What Common Parenting Method Messes Up Kids? (AskReddit)

what's a parenting method that you believe messes up kids making fun of their interests next thing you know they will be in their teens and you'll wonder why they never talk to you you need to tell your children that you are sorry when you screw up offer a heartfelt apology when you make a mistake don't try to explain away your error just sit them down look them in the eye and say I screwed that up I'm sorry will you please forgive me they will and they will respect you for it parents who never give their kids space or trust them at all I had a teacher who would say how she'd monitor her kids cell phone and keep him on a pretty tight leash albeit in a few years the kid is currently four I don't think I would have grown up to love my parents and be a respectful functioning adult if my parents didn't trust me and give me a little bit of space when parents talk about their kids right in front of them about how they are bad or don't listen or like to give you a hard time this gives the child a story about themself that they are a bad child this leads to more negative behavior because you are giving the child permission to behave that way it's there now also when parents complain that their child is giving them a hard time what they should say is that my child is having a hard time everyone gets frustrated being a parent but this type of reaction is self-sabotaging holding children to a higher standard than the adults in the household my dad could scream throw things sometimes at us break things sometimes our things etc it would usually be our fault or he would laugh it offers normal dad behavior but if one of us acted that way there was hell to pay he basically got to throw tantrums like a child because it was his house and he was entitled but if we the children did that we would be punished sometimes physically threatened ridiculed etc not letting kids ever say no obviously there are certain things parents should make their kids do eating some fruits and vegetables going to school getting vaccinations et Cie but when you never let them say no particularly to things like hugging an older don't be surprised to find a teenager and an adult who has a really hard time saying no to things they don't want to do not giving a child boundaries I've never physically punished my four children but they had boundaries that they crossed at their peril they are now four happy healthy respectful generous and kind adults they had their moments but compared to some kids they didn't cause us that much grief we are proud of them the Watts good for the goose is good for the gander method when it comes to discipline it can cause a lot of resentment among siblings I'm the oldest out of five and if one of us got in trouble then all of us got in trouble my parents believed that by doing this we would try harder to stay out of trouble so we won't get our siblings punished also it caused a lot of resentment among us especially towards my middle brother who had out he tried so hard to stay out of trouble but he was almost consistently doing something stupid there was a month where we didn't talk to him because he got on in tendo 64 taken away I ended it when he started to cry one night because he believed we didn't love him anymore belittling their problems I'm 26 and my mother still does this she's a teacher with a martyr complex so she has the hardest most unappreciated job ever I stopped trying to voice frustration with my own job because don't I know how hard teachers have it she doesn't get a raise either sometimes you just want to talk to your mom as an adult and bond about how shitty workplaces can be sometimes without it turning into a pissing match egg ignoring them I worked at a daycare and there was a little boy who told us how he used to play underneath the deck and once he walked out of his house and to the ice-cream shop across a busy six Lane Road he was so sweet but didn't quite know how to interact with anyone because he was just alone at home I have a baby now and I get so sad if I leave him to pay by himself for more than five minutes I couldn't imagine that little boy not knowing what that kind of love is like I left that job before anything was done but a girl I became friends with their said eventually CPS was called I hope he gets to be the kid he deserves to be eater a lot of people are saying kids entertaining themselves is also a good thing and I definitely agree by ignoring I don't mean giving them space to play alone I mean neglecting them overlooking their wants and needs because you couldn't be bothered tell him your child that nothing is wrong with them their problems are all in their head and to suck it up this is how mental health issues go undiagnosed I spent over 20 years thinking that it was normal to feel the way I felt and that I just needed to suck it up until my wife started prying into my issues and helped me realize that what I was experiencing was not normal whatsoever there are situations where the child may be overdramatic or embellishing things but if they are persistent about an issue or exhibit of behavior on a consistent basis it cannot be ignored avoiding opportunities to show their kids that they are human and especially so when they themselves were kids every time I give my kids a rule or guideline I explained to them why it exists and give them examples from my childhood and what I learned from it is the rationale we have a working understanding that my golden parenting is to do everything I can to help them succeed more and fail less by being honest about my own successes and failures when I was in their shoes empty threats I can't stand those parents who shout and scream at their kids the ones who are always moaning their kids are naughty but they never punish them they just shout shouting does nothing ground them dock their pocket money confiscate their phone you need to actually do something shouting about it is useless edit I'm getting a lot of people correct me on my phrasing what I mean to say is shouting doesn't yield any results that are actually beneficial parents always texting slash worrying where you are constantly the stress of the impending doom of getting that call from my parents ruined a lot of fun times also my parents always used to brag about how they had no cell phones growing up and could be loud all day without talking to their parents yet they still will helicopter parents to me very frustrating I remember the day I stopped trying at school in high school I came first in my class at a biology test it was a big win for me cause I wasn't particularly talented at anything else and I had some real competition in that class I went home and told my mom about it and she just asked why didn't you get 100% took all enjoyment out of my victory and instead of motivating me as she intended it made me wonder why I should even bother as nothing I do will ever be good enough so why waste my time doing everything for them and not allowing them to learn from experience it goes from creating sheltered kids to incapable teens who don't have any street smarts initiative or sense of responsibility for themselves I have teenage relations who still have to ask their parents if they are allowed dessert after dinner leave perishables open and out after using them and think watching the news on TV is too grown-up for them I could give so many more examples but I'll leave it at that for now fussing over them too much every time they sneeze it's all like the poor dear has the flu or you see a kid fall over and you can tell it wasn't hard enough to hurt them but they've got their parents cysts and so make a huge scene so the parents come running to their rescue when parents do that they are just creating kids who will become neurotic and needy adults however I think my parents went a bit too far the other way I fell hard on my arm at the park once and my mom was like you're fine go to school the school ended up having to call her and make her take me to the hospital because I was in so much pain turns out I broken my arm so yeah something in between those two is probably the right amount the whole staying together for the kids thing one of two things is going to happen either the kids won't see anything wrong making their idea of what relationships should be based on a lie or they do see something wrong in which case you've accomplished nothing but potentially lose their respect and also potentially robbing them of growing up witnessing what actual happiness can look like full disclosure there might be more outcomes than that since familial and relationship dynamics are vastly varied and complex I don't recommend my parents method the good old head-in-the-sand if we don't bring up a topic we'll never have to deal with it this was particularly true about six but also dating making new friends away from home becoming financially independent and a whole bunch of other issues that they didn't want to talk about because if you talk about it then the thing is real or of course I eventually learned about all these things from other sources but as adults we have a very strained relationship in part because they refuse to talk with me about anything the rare times they brought up topics they were never interested in my opinion or experience just getting their point across and getting out my family immediate and extended used to have a habit of always teasing us kids about love interests people we liked it annoyed / embarrassed me so much that I would never talk to anyone in my family about people are liked and even in high school I never told anyone in my family about the girl I was dating I eventually started making a conscious effort to include my family in my personal life they only meant well the whole time but I'm still a little bit messed up from that minute of being embarrassed to openly show personal affection for someone or talk about it dropping your young kids on your older kids I've got friends my age early twenties who watch their younger brother who is 5 now the mom has done almost no parenting at all and while somebody in their twenties is perfectly capable of raising a child in theory this kid is totally [ __ ] because he's been exposed to way too much mature [ __ ] too early without the proper context to understand any of it why have another kid if you're not interested in raising one makes absolutely no [ __ ] sense to me shout out to my Asians putting so much importance on schoolwork and grades it's important yes but I think more important to develop a true sense of well-roundedness not just joining multiple honors class and one sport and one instrument to put on your college application it's why so many young nation kids have totally stellar grades in high school and college and you think they are going to become senators and doctors but then half of them fizzle out and disappear by age 22 and you wonder what ever happened to a notch command joi Chang because they never learned how to develop dreams or ambition beyond their grade point average helicopter parenting you want a child to grow up to be unable to function in this world that's the hash one way to make it happen you can be involved in your child's life without being up their ass it's one thing to be class mom and volunteer when they are in elementary school but you have to learn to take a step back as they grow older want to stay involved great volunteer in middle school but do it in a way that you want in their face serve on a committee or something same with high school know their friends but don't hang out in the living room with them when they are over give them space and respect and for the love of God let them fail sometimes teach them about natural consequences and help them learn how they can deal with them fix their mistakes and move on inconsistency and lack of structure an also just straight impatience and moodiness I easily picked up on the fact that my mom was just being mean and angry at us over her own life and it made me a highly insecure and non-confrontational individual don't bully your kids and you have to not believing what your child says for a number of reasons wanting attention faking it drama queen ECT will mess them up bad I have diagnosed mental illnesses psychosis major depressive disorder anxiety and I can't talk to my parents about it because they never seem to believe me screws me over big time still because I depend on them for much-needed treatment that I'm afraid to ask for edit in the past few months I finally gotten help and my therapists explained mile nurses to them and I'm finally being medicated I'm now diagnosed with schizophrenia T disorder and PTSD the all-or-nothing type of mentality I'm seeing in a lot of parenting blogs for example a lot of parents are so against tablets for young kids because they see bad parenting and others who let their kids have tablets all day for hours without limits getting them addicted instead of all-or-nothing teach your kids moderation my kids have tablets of their own watches TV yes preschool ages they know how to walk away from TV and tablet to do something else they play outside draw write enjoy books read etc they can enjoy all those things in addition to electronics they can enjoy the McDonald's chicken nuggets and french fries too in addition to fresh fruits and vegetables and home-cooked meal my kids enjoys eating salads it's kind of like dropping your kids off at a playdate or visiting for family gatherings they are glued on the TV at someone else instead of socializing and playing with other kids because they don't know how to exercise moderation raising your daughter as a princess and not making them contribute to the household chores my daughter's friend was such a princess that when she got to college she had no idea how to operate a washing machine and had never used a vacuum cleaner my children were taught to help around the house at an early age in to have a fantastic work ethic in the business world now the princess above still struggles never finished college and cannot hold a job or relationship for very long complaining about how their activities and hobbies impact you a guy could be watching my shows instead of driving you to karate I've spent so much on lessons and you've barely improved I hate having to wash your football kit my personal favorite every time I was in the car with my mom driving to stores or grandparents oh that house looks nice I'd love to live there away from all of you on my own thanks mom I'm right because I'm the parent [ __ ] this mentality it's lazy stupid and ignorant if you don't want your kid to do something then give them a [ __ ] legitimate reason don't have one then you're just being an [ __ ] what's worse is how this [ __ ] still applies in my adult life my boss has this mentality for his employees I'm pissed just from thinking about it quieting them through the use of electronic games on phones and tablets this is a detrimental way to address a normal symptom of being a child where they are craving attention and parents who say she ate their children's craving for attention by sticking a phone or tablet in their face are raising some socially dysfunctional children who are just straight-up brats I've seen it starting with children who can't even talk yet I'm not a parent yet that I was child don't push your kids to do things they don't like let me explain when I was young I was quite nervous of the world outside my house I was a very anxious child and over thought so much my dad doing what he thought was best pushed me to do slash try things I didn't like I can see that from his point of view it was what he thought could remove my fear make me stronger but my dad really chucked me in the deep end introduce your kids to things they find scary slash don't in gently show them that it's not as bad as they think help them practice dealing with a life situation then slowly drop back and see how they do on their own make sure it's something that will not scar them for life of course most importantly see the situation through their rise to an adult going in a shop and buying a suite isn't a biggie but your little boy slash girl might think the whole thing is intimidating I'm not a parent yet hopefully one day be patient they'll learn eventually [Music] [Music] [Music]

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Id: gRXojBRafIo

Length: 17min 39sec (1059 seconds)

Published: Sat Jun 20 2020