MAD TV - vol 17

you're watching The Game Show Network get some new batteries for that remote do you want to win decorative time saving or just playin adorable gifts then let's play the Lillian burner game show sponsored by the Lillian burner catalog the catalog that pays a monthly visit to your mailbox it's the source for all of your unique novelty needs like the hair clipping umbrella catcher an essential tool for the whole stylist who likes hair on the floor not be talking to Loula toilet seat cover cow your house guests will get a real kick when they hear Tallulah say Sawyer don't screw it and thanks for dropping and here's the host the Lily inverter game show dale brisket hi everybody hi that's a nice sweater Thank You Dale I got it from my dead uncle you check out my Lillian burner t-shirt it says you could either agree with me or be wrong my wife gave me this t-shirt and I don't know why because according to her I have a wife let's meet our contestants okay jail cinder you're a homemaker from Odessa Texas tell us something about yourself aha I'm Gail cinder and I'm from Odessa Texas and I am a homemaker Carrie City you are a hiccup in this bed did you tell us something about yourself I did you just say yeah well Trey okay I like your old Nichols I have a windmill magnet collection well I sure hope I sir help your husband comes in a close second yeah well he would if he'd help me roll nickels there's returning champion Stan Clayton I hope you're feeling less nervous today I wear my Lily inverted pics why protectors hey I have a question when is this game gonna start siano simian all right hey contestants hands on your frogs people all of our contestants will croak in their answers with the stylish Lillian burner frog buzzer perfect for home and office now we will show you the Lillian for the value product and you give us the name here we go I believe you quite danger the guard was painless silent nose hair trimmer no you idiot no yes stance it's the pic of bull temple zapper fit for a Stan let's put $5 in Stan's bank hey Gail you know it's just crazy frogs they look so lifelike I was afraid to hit it here we go this is the lily and burn of t-shirt saying showdown he'll show you part of the phrase you gotta finish it I don't wake up crabby you gotta gumdrop good for you Gaelic put $5 in the bank now we're gonna show you a product and you guys tell us what it says it is the finger pulling for you Santa oh yes Carol that's Mary farva's yes mm-hmm jingle bells Santa smells yes oh yeah yeah Christmas is a gas hey watch your language careless is in jeopardy yes damn something just came down the chimney and that means the game is over so fast didn't it Simeon yes but I'm on ecstasy okay well that is the end of the game and with ten dollars in his bank Stan is our winner once again it has been a terrific show and from the lily and Verner family remember we may make crappy gifts cheap got a real bad case again wake up colic stomach don't you just rub a little vermouth on her gums what's her name's it's a boy and his name is Dakota yeah Dakota Dakota grapes you know name your baby after an Indian she's sure to like that remove it's a boy he got the gift I said check from the Lillian Vernon Catalina squirrel chairs nice kids me clusters last name hi yeah number cubed there's Custer is this a horse blanket Oh thanks they're over than a noodle so you know I don't Thank You Belle buggies away that was the way that's not the way you rock you baby here little little mother she's cuter than a cricket thought it's a boy has a penis understand that babies like to be next to the heartbeat of a mother eats and fall asleep you are not his mother you're barely he's eight yeah for a baby alright look Lorraine wake up ma'am let me go over this one more time for you we have the following kinds of stamps love wildflowers vintage planes songbirds famous gaze and cuts of meat okay Amy didn't negro Lita space did I say Negro leader stamps I didn't we don't have them okay we only have them during Black History Month and this is white history a lot of folks don't know who she is but she was there important for the education of knit row Quincy I just don't care what about this look Oh next you got when these monsters coming to you every day what is up with you I'm a bowling ball dealer these need to go out I do all my work on eBay computers make my job so easy Thank You precious George Washington stamp Nazi he invented peanut what are you doing well Lloyd I'm I'm actually going on a killing spree what God's name does it look like I'm going on a killing spree today okay I planned this out very carefully you're gonna have to pick a different day I'm sorry no way this is the anniversary of my stepfather breaking my arm and I'm talking about a compound fracture Lloyd yeah I'm very sorry about that but this is the anniversary of my stepfather breaking my arm and then raping me pictures of it on the Internet using a slide whistle sound effect that's a little worse thank you just hear me out here I already wrote my suicide note and left it on the mantel at home now it's too embarrassing to go back there come on you know I wish you guys would have said something I mean everyone knows that I'm a ticking time bomb but what's got you so pissed off Curtis I was fired Oh kindly cry me a river that is so weak yeah I know I know I I just wanted to kill some people animals for quite some time and I just thought it was better to move up to bigger prey please well you guys work this all out can we go oh shut up or I'll give you a second butthole Hey good man I'm impressed thanks thanks Lloyd I actually took the time to practice that in the mirror at home check this out who shut up or I'll give you a second butthole you shut up or I'll give you a second I'll give you a second cut home pull rank on you guys but I've got seniority here so this killing spree is mind well I'm the one with the bigger gun so I say I'm doing that isn't so cliche they say they say we share it's a killing spree girl share a spree we're not shopping here sweetie just promise me though that I get to go down to accounting and pop Louise I hate that cow I hate that cow I hate that cow I hate that cow louise is my girlfriend and I'm killer it's all Louie's all right are you kidding me that is such horse crap she has always screwing me over you kill Louise later on of course I won't be available to assist you on account of my commitment to my suicide right what did a memo go out or something what's your story why you a being a postman I'm in a postman I'm robbing you now contestants we will show you the Lillian further value product and you give us the name here we go kill you [ __ ] June go ahead and let the product further value product and you have to tell us what it is here we go hey folks Jack Madoff your welcome to the special Fox presentation while back where's the so-called man versus beast species to do so good that the ratings didn't do so good even on a bad idea tonight's proof cuz we're gonna try it again Reba McEntire takes on although easy and a bullfrog in a paddle so river you think this part got a chance are you kidding me I was a table tennis champion for listen was even at at home he's good I'm getting bit these digital diva little richard tasmanian billy goat in a challenge of strength and determination who can do the most chin-ups you are literature to get up here and get all sweaty richest woman in the world matches wits with a chicken in a game of chess see what's happening here folks is that Oprah's sacrificed her horsey and she's word to check it into a trap it looks like it might be all holy smokes checkmate wins coming up our host John Madden wrestles a cute little fluffy kitten Oh with five ghetto-fabulous locations people and people of the big chain stores won't come to your neighborhood so what that would be your community grocery back to school special smirnoff ice and all those stores are designed to fit your family needs blue cigarettes and remember whose service is job one famous one Tommy Johnny we're family here ok Johnny listen man where do you keep you Doritos over there all friendly staff is always here to help in fact we're so friendly and don't forget to join our 40 funny club by 40 40 ounces and get 40 cents off the next one the security camera too when you're here I watch good evening the success of The Sopranos has ignited another one with fair with the organized crime drama that seen since Francis Ford Coppola's Godfather back in 1972 but what are those people actually involved in organized crime think of this phenomenon tonight I ask three very real members of the Mafia what they think of The Sopranos at their request we've disguised their faces and voices to protect their identities works for a prominent crime syndicate in a major metropolitan city he's a bagman for a powerful crime family operating in the tri-state area and if you think the mob is strictly a men's club please welcome Helen who is married to an influential West Coast mafioso let's begin with you is the Sopranos an accurate depiction of mob length as you know it is a joke if those guys in The Sopranos were in my crew I'd kill them all I'd stick a gun in her mouth and blow their brains out the back of the head then I cut them up a mail of pieces to their families I agree with Paul a ridiculous on The Sopranos they kill a guy in like two minutes you know how hard it is to kill a guy real life no but I was in a bar fight once she disrespected him nice I went into her house gather there very few members of organized crime that enjoyed the Sopranos it sucks they got no respect when you look at me you better have some respect we have to take a short break when we come back my face will be distorted to where I put the tractor welcome to another episode drawing with Jerry I'm Jerry Bantz and you can call me friend for those of you were tuning in today we had happened with a show past few weeks no we were not cancelled I was just taking some time off attending to some personal business and fighting a restraining order filed by my ex-wife Barbara I would like to take a moment right now and wish Barbara well but I'm not allowed to address her directly even through this program so I guess I would like to say to all of the ladies watching today how are you I miss you I'm sorry when we left off a couple of weeks ago we were drawing our dream house which we have right here boy that it is pretty I almost forgot how beautiful a home can be it's so much better than a studio apartment in Pacoima which is all I can afford now that I'm going through a messy divorce you know what I like about this drawing is such a vivid drawing you can almost tell what kind of people live in this house a beautiful wife two wonderful children and just make sense of things you know landscaping can only be created by a gardener or a well-hung illegal alien named Jorge it's beautiful flowers beautiful married women what job or he's doing I can guarantee you he likes to throw his back into it boy sure are a lot of surprises in our dream home aren't there in drawing turns that's called perspective perspective is something you can also lose when you're in a volatile relationship let's talk about lighting for a moment shall we for my money fire often provides the most beautiful glow Caleb Wendy if you're watching right now daddy misses you and wonders where you are and you don't have to be afraid okay just put the final touches on our drawing because it's important to know when a piece is finished otherwise you can obsess on it and you can never really make anything perfect can you no matter how hard you try to please defeat the more plain program right here not good Kelly left him can you believe it that's like the fourth dude I know whose wife just took off that's like there must be something in the water you know oh man these shoes reek it smell like dog poo smell that don't smell it smell it really you know things like Howard is such a great guy I can't believe that Kelly would just leave him you know I mean he is the best dude oh you're stubborn I'm good thanks hey I mean like I asked him maybe you did something maybe Eldar maybe you can order I don't know he's just sitting no he didn't fact he said for a matter of fact that he didn't spending more time with her than normal like they've been hanging out together like all the time oh man look at that zit on my neck oh this is huge you know so I asked maybe like maybe maybe she's a lesbian you know and I asked Howard that and he's like nope he was really adamant about oh come on she's not a lesbian I don't know she could be oh this one is a fighter Oh got it can you believe that that was unbelievable am i bleeding no are you sure that's a clean pop why would a woman just leave man like that it's I I keep going back to the lesbian thing I just figured you know I'd maybe all their wives are just lesbians and they're all you know holed up somewhere you know I just and it's like honestly if they're not lesbians I don't know then something is definitely up you know because out of all my friends like Wally ox Frank Howard you know they're like the best dudes I know you know and somebody's got to give birth hold on a second yeah they're not jerks at all none what you didn't think about cheating on their wives you know it's just I can't think of a single reason why their wives would leave them boy I guess I'll wipe tomorrow hey what's that for I'm leaving you you know that's not a very funny joke oh it's not a joke I'll be back tomorrow to get my things fine go ahead you Dyke what the hell just happened hey this is only 48 cents the register which knows what it's doing says a dollar 58 sorry I just pulled a quadruple shifts I don't need to know that you're more pathetic than you look just a pack of gum and Libby is that you Carol Carol chute Lander you look great have you lost weight nope are you applying your makeup differently bleaching your teeth dating a Spaniard I just got back from a two-week vacation in Orlando Florida I could never afford that I work 24 hours a day seven days a week 365 days a year 350 an hour hardly seems worth it you need to do what I did hello I'm Bob trapped Nell I played the mean customer earlier in this commercial the Hemet institute of specialized technology you can earn your degree in any number of these exciting fields such as VCR and TV repair dental technician and those are just two like private investigator pastry chef matador air traffic controller Shaymin [ __ ] design mexican league baseball mr. feuless dance captain catalogue vandal 9-volt battery tester delightful alcoholic push Avery congressman mainly realistic Asian puppetry caveman lobster claw rubberband application handsome [ __ ] tester gypsy telemarketer maria shriver dan johnson oak disk wine rack we also offer exciting careers in the medical fields such as colon scraping testicle photography vomit receptacle in a hospital cafeteria potato salad maker waiting room extra kids Ward clown pill thief heavyset nurse's aide and cop drinking coffee outside injured witness room that's not all we offer over 58,000 additional courses all taught by our three fully accredited stations today one of them should answer now if you'll excuse me I've got to get back to playing the mean customer learn how to count [ __ ] livvie I'd love to stay and tell you more but I've got to get back to my exciting new job at the animal shelter I compress infected fluids out of animal anal sacs Carol I'll call right now to the specialized technology your future is just down the road in an l-shape mini mall next to a Korean nail salon hey I'm your substitute teacher yes I am your substitute teacher regular teacher quit yesterday cause of trouble the kids in class school gave her cut in pay and she got shot sorry kids so the family living under a bridge the family has a kite would you like to teach and I said sure Oh where's my beer time for math let's multiply by 3 3 6 9 12 47 100 three six nine forty seven nineteen something next three times 10 is negative 2/3 times 5 is 11 3 times 2 is I don't know three times ten is negative 2/3 times part is another three times you later that's all for math let's watch so many class okay daddy how about I pitch you right here oh this is great right in the Sun I'll let you know when the melanoma starts to blister all right then where would you like me pitchy gee I don't know how about somewhere in the shade you dumbass shut up you know I was just trying to help you you want to help me next time close the door when you're taking a dump just quit it daddy all right just quit it I put signs up all along Raymond Boulevard that we're having a garage sale you thinking back on Sam no everybody went boy on the minute they got a look at you yeah my mama was warned you had sex with the worse daddy oh hey how you doing dude he come for the garage sale no he came for the strip show so get to it jab shut up daddy some hangers right there those I marked them 50 cents he didn't come for the hangers you can get him for free at the cleaners you stupid moose not everybody goes to the cleaners I don't go to the cleaners that's cause you can't fit through the door even if they chopped you in half and buttered all four side you know sure that nobody's even listening to you nobody even listens to work you son actually this quilt is uh rather nice how much you want for it oh this quilt here is an antique sewn by old ladies and I'm not a hundred dollars a hundred dollars that thing was used to line the dog's bed look in the mirror to jam you look in the mirror so sista this quilt you bound that for your wife uh no actually I I'm not married oh hi I'm sandy you don't want to flirt with you sandy shut up I'm just talking to the man it's a waste of time he doesn't speak hunchback no it doesn't seem like the best time maybe I should just some women aid I just I made it fresh all by myself yeah with her own two hooves thank you but I really I should go oh wait what about the quilt well it's not quite what I'm looking for what is it you're looking for an escape route look I'm sorry I just I should go all right uh well tell your friends were here yeah tell him you saw a buffalo standing up right oh yeah well at least buff smoking laughs you can't walk daddy excuse me yeah I know that this is none of my business but I just so happen to be a family therapist and it looks like both of you could do with some counseling the way that you speak to each other is completely abusive take a hot doctor stay out of this spongebob fat-ass let's see this is exactly what I'm talking about now sir I want you to say something nice about your daughter even though it may be difficult Wow why would it be difficult well because as he said your large and you have facial hey hey hey no nobody talks to my fat of the daughter like that daddy I am defending you ass brain okay no I had no idea now is because you are a [ __ ] get out yeah you're human ya know what you're going inside we've been over this a thousand times you have to spend the weekend with your father I'm sorry there's nothing I can do about it your father took me to cars and ever since the judge found out about your fascination with being naked in public well since you think you need a male influence in your life I don't need a male influence such a sour patch yeah your father which reminds me I couldn't find your bathing suit anywhere don't you why what does mama say when little boys whine when little boys whine it's like saying to the kidnappers take me first this is a little bit frayed I'm just afraid your Google's gonna fall can you do anything yeah why does everything always have to be an argument with us you know what I think that Judge was right you do need a male influence you've just gotten too big for me to just the pen remember what happened the last time I tried to spank Stuart don't talk dirty what does mom know that suit is not holding at all well that's it I am definitely I tell you I am definitely going to have you test it oh that must be your father oh why feel like a radical hysterectomy every time he comes around mr. we've never been apart for a whole weekend we've never been apart for a full hour are you scared what's Jerrod I wish there was some way that I could make that feeling well all right but just one variable No well you just always find a way to play me don'tcha fiddle that's it your mama hunka bi oh here we go are you gonna be a good boy for your father no good look what I can do well we do disgusting no don't you I'll never get used to Pierce Brosnan as James Bond yeah but Halle Berry Oscar winner is where I live well Greg I had no idea you were such a Lucille Ball fan oh all that stuff belongs to my brother Cyril he lives here too oh yeah so she want to do hey Cyril we wake you up I just can't sleep again that's what's doing it it's loaded with caffeine what the do Mads it's refreshing it's like a golden shower in my mouth he doesn't know what he's saying it's okay that's all right hi Cyril I'm Marla you got red hair like Lucy oh yeah yeah I do I was noticing all of your collectibles it's really really cool pretty killer huh see that one right over there with Lucy and Ethel they're eating all that candy got that one today while I was washing my van he likes to buy all of his art from the third Street car wash man you know what else Greg Greg check this out I'm gonna get the other thing that plate that I was telling you about on that exclusive TV offer the one with Lucy and Ethel and Fred and Ricky and they're they're all in the car and they're saying they're Matt you know that Gazoo Mouser they're open and they're singing it's called California here we come and it's you know what check it out Greg it's recommend Ray it's recommended by the Bradford exchange they claim that the plate may go up in value oh it's gonna Greg it's gonna man it's tall so wow you are a real Lucille Ball freak freak why call me freak no no she just means that you like Lucy a lot you can come in you don't have to just hang out in the doorway bother you hey Greg Greg Greg Greg Greg Greg you I saw tonight that show charm do you ever seen that show charm it's got it's like God it's got their three sisters and they're out there like all magic and their man they're so fine man Greg they're so hot one of them Greg one of us Melissa Milano Greg and she's what she fought she's on that show with Danny Danza which one's the boss Oh brick just you know I don't know which one is the Bosman she could be the boss me that sounds like a great show oh it's a great show great you know it's always good as that show that Greg Greg that other show People's Choice that show Greg man that show is killer Greg name somebody name anybody I bet they're on that show Jim Carrey use on that show good call we saw the new James Bond movie tonight who's a Pierce Brosnan Chris bronze got neck two skinny jeans bought gloves Halle Berry Halle Berry oh man you see here in monsters balls oh oh man that dude that is that is some posh man she give me phone each man she she give me like oh man Halle Berry give you bonus huh what about Marlon is Marla we should choose white what what Gregg you're getting bone did you just say the word man you know I'll do I'll close my eyes I think I think I'd better go yeah oh man look at that that's a Halle Berry be hot shut up Cyril you want me make me shut up oh yeah shut up watch this his mouth keeps going and so do these men come on what you wanna huh check it out check it out that's right that's but that's my mouth oh come on let's go I'm winded I'll call you tomorrow that was weird man sorry about that she was coming on to me big time she was mean huh she was my fingers hurt going bad all right it's where I sleep hey Greg yeah Greg what Greg what Greg what Valen joyed music from the world's number-one pop diva Whitney Houston well she's back and she's using her golden voice to bring us some great American classics with her double CD set Whitney screws up the classics what the feel now is rough person listen as Whitney screws up your favorite classics over and over again we'll show you stuff [ __ ] AJ you tell him Bobby's college one is not for bail I'm not playing smoking on a diamond abhi just smoking on the oh but no it's not Whitney she's high and we've recorded her on her double CD collection listen as she screws up one song after another I said fix it come on let's go dance Mike come on yo that's good I'm ready they go plan Oh even her pimp husband like sweet mount into temper to like plain see you like Limburger cheese Bobby you ain't had a hit in ten years what I'm about to have one right now to get your copy of Whitney Houston screws up the classic let's do this again come on come on come on Bobby Brown baby mama Tommy the debate why where's mama say when little boys wine boys why I said to the kidnapper I'm simple I can't remember just afraid around well I gotta check it out I'm afraid your personal Candy's gonna fall right you know just test it out you can begin you do anything happen whoa sir why does everything always have to be an argument with us I'm boy first to a million now here's your host Peter twist to a million hi man hi Judy ready to play the game yeah the rules are very simple the first contestant to win a million points wins the game okay here we go today's categories the categories are impressionist art Academy Awards precedence World War two ancient civilizations and pot luck okay Ben you want to toss backstage you'll start where you going I'll try presidents Peter already which President dropped the bomb on Hiroshima you've got it Harry Truman that's it Harry Truman terrific bang terrific you have got one point where to next I guess I'll stick with presidents all righty here we go which president ascended to office when abraham lincoln was assassinated then you got it again Andrew Johnson way to go Ben way to go make it okay make a category it's to the nothing Ben Peter is there a category where the questions are worth more worth more what you know worth more than one point so you're thinking that maybe yet we have some questions that are perhaps worth two points is that right yeah no we don't have any choice all right continue this is pointless Judy I know it seems like you're way behind now but trust me dear you're still in the game it's rare but I've seen people come back from 2-0 deficits before so don't give up stay tuned we'll be right back with a lightening round here on first to a million what is 10 times 5 50 congratulations men you have just reached 11 thousand points hey what hey hey we're gonna get some dinner get dinner of course not now we need another category bend your turn why don't we try ancient civilizations for one I just had a line what's going on for $200 you get to be John Malkovich for 15 minutes you'll see everything in Malkovich does a little steep do you have a first-time discount no cuts or $2 I've got 50 to 52 huh well we do have something step this way just crawl right in where am i God it stinks in here from the people who brought you Being John Malkovich it's be - oh I get to see what the Godfather a soul is like on a date I see you got but I need I got ahead mister mister don't do it don't give me Pepe know this so my dog yeah what yeah what he said who's that what what what come here hi Jane James did you leave the gas on Oh one of the thousands of people who saw Being John Malkovich be one of the hundreds who sees being James Brown on a bootleg tape near you hey there good afternoon yeah you don't officer excuse me for asking but why'd you pull me over you were speeding no it wasn't it was at a stop light tail light was out it's impossible this is a brand-new car you fit the description now get out of the car please gonna be here for a while have a sniggers bribe hi I'm uh I'm Scott sites I'm here for the NYPD blue audition okay there's a script please have to see what the other thanks [ __ ] better have my money [ __ ] better have more fun [ __ ] better have my money did you better have my money [ __ ] you better have my money you're gonna be here for a while have a Snickers bar my truck up the road and I ran out of gas gonna be here for a while good afternoon I'm mr. Reynolds and I will be administering your driving test I suggest you just relax and I'm sure everything will go fine okay you so nice so maybe we need to do this test on the back seat why don't you start by adjusting your mirrors oh okay what are you what are you doing um fixing my makeup okay we really need to get going okay please Zook what about Shravan and Denzel Washington roll up next to me and I'm looking tall up from the neck up I don't think so Jackson alright fine could you please hurry okay alright oh but buckle up for safety first anybody ever tell you you look like a white Wesley Snipes no thank you you zoom oh um you mind if I put on a little music it would help relax me it's not really DMV policy but I suppose I'll make an exception thank you wait what's you doing you almost hit that truck I see no well I did I told you think I've I've seen the truck I would have swerved out anyway in time what you trying to say but people are too lazy Turtles no that's not what I'm saying okay now what you need to do Buffy that's what you need okay all right then get your driving on please try to be careful okay I will put on your blinker before you pull out your blinkers still on I know you need to turn it off i'ma make a lag when I don't know yet when you leave your blinker on it confuses the drivers behind you oh so now I got worried about the drugs like I mean it does on a sad - please just turn off the damn please why you just but do you know what are you doing get away with that go don't go who you calling a [ __ ] do I look like your mom nor let him call me [ __ ] Joe and I'm gonna let you call me I don't wanna yeah watch your sorry ass pop pull Oh mr. riddles gonna take care you like a real man no no no I got your back oh damn they bigoted and I thought this is ridiculous all right I'm going to reason with that hello I'm with the Department of Motor Vehicles and I just hello hey so yeah what oh no girl have fun at the booty tree finish this test myself let me see chip chick chick hi I'm Craig it malicious ladies and jump in gentlemen please put it all together for the man with the [ __ ] plane the [ __ ] out woke up there that all got himself desperation well that was the [ __ ] walk and this is the dirty talk baby I want to crawl under your sink and bang my ranch on you love it hey do y'all want to hit one more listen up baby I want to take one of them there don't get right into your grand cage alright I'm gonna get serious for a minute as most of you know this is national funk Awareness Week and I don't know if y'all have noticed but the funk is damn near extinct the earth is pulling up to the station but the [ __ ] pumps they are empty and why well that is a question best answered by the national spokeswoman for funk awareness miss Carmen Electra Oh ladies and gentlemen you are looking at the real reason behind global long Tom and welcome to the show yeah thanks baby why don't you tell these people how they can help with the reef funk tough occasion of a man all right baby in 1974 there were an estimated 17 million people walk in the funky walk and talk in the dirty talk today there are less than 300 and they're all touring with Earth Wind & Fire common if you take America and remove the funk you know what you got what France and I don't know about you but to me them people are way too excited about cheese I hear that desperation but is our audience here in us preach to do you people really want your children growing up in a world without Bootsy Collins a world where there's no Sanford & Son or shaft a world where Garth Brooks sells more records than James Brown well I'm telling you this country's gotta get itself a brand new bag before the funk is as dead as disco but coming what can we do first they need to start each day with some good old-fashioned dirty talk desperation shall we show them how it's done Oh Lilith baby I want a slide into your shopping mall and spend some time in the Gail baby hmm I want you to take out your stick and rub it against me until you start a fire baby I wish I were Oscar Mayer Weiner I want you to make like an M&M and melt in my mouth not in my hands if they don't get it after that day never gone it is time to go I would just like to thank my beautiful guests coming a lecture girl would you do me the honor of funky welcome Mia try and stop me hi Ashley it's me will from summer school remember and he made God's eyes together and stuff like that I thought I thought that we should keep in touch so I'm sending you this video letter I'm sorry that's that's Mike that's my little sister she's a she's a pest anyway so I thought since you only live a couple of towns over maybe we can hang out some time away I'm sorry I'm sorry that's I don't I don't want to sex you I don't want to I'm not I mean unless you like to do that stay down be quiet be quiet I'm sorry Ashley I think that you're I think you're pretty but if I touch this camera if I have to turn this camera I just do okay so I was thinking that I'd like to see you whenever it'd be really cool you could take the bus 2007 was the year that kept on giving and Comedy Central's giving it right back somebody ask so little time the Talon deal usually are taking on one mind numbing year Comedy Central's last lap oh seven it's an encore tomorrow night at 10:00 for ordinary guy bring the truck way Jadeja living the American comedy dream the big big movie Blue Collar Comedy Tour Sunday at 8 here on Comedy Central oh my god they're filming this meet Robbie Carrington you ever seen yourself naked on a home video camera up closer wait too personal who the hell is that a mole that's a tip buzzer mullet Rodney Carrington ladies and gentlemen especially the ladies welcome to mad tv where's all my mad sisters gitche coochie MA I really why does cocaine disagree tell you the truth I don't give up the screen for hottest chicks from the man TV mom milena Lorraine suave I can get a film made an avid not quite work out comes another world where a recovering diva can get a second chance if we surround the diva with coherent people who actually can act coming September 30th 2001 the Sony classics presents Academy Award winner Al Pacino paisa you are lobbyists are the biggest star there ever was Academy Award winner Robert De Niro hey what makes you think I know and nobody like you singing my club I have dry mouth I need a sugar-free root beer float is that you'll a mess up your life and Academy Award attendee Mariah Carey M Oh Peter Travers of Rolling Stone says it's official I love everything and this is something I have to take my pants off now what do you mean you're leaving me okay is my skin [ __ ] don't you slam that door and Peter drivers film critic for Rolling Stone exclaims Brava only the divine McGarry could sing so many songs without melodies so effortless it's as if she made the month as she went wrong probably tell me this Thanksgiving Christmas at the latest oh right a shudder

Channel: Classic MADtv

Views: 1,805,522

Keywords: Madtv, Mad TV, Classic Madtv

Id: 8ItRo5FBRGU

Length: 89min 30sec (5370 seconds)

Published: Tue May 19 2020

Reddit Comments

[u/[deleted]]

Pretty funny. Artie was actually a good actor compared to a whatever stand up comic

[u/dblan9]

Like with all MADTV sketches the joke is proposed in the first 30 seconds and then beaten to death for the next three minutes.

[u/[deleted]]

He SUCKED on MADTV, Beer League sucked shit it was fucking terrible, it was in 18 theaters

[u/dwarfhank33]

Peter Marshall had a son who played Major League Baseball.

Does anyone know his name?

[u/sonofabitchXmustXpay]

I watched season 1 of Crashing last night. To see him go from this to that over the years is a little depressing.