-Hey. Hey. Guess who's back. Guess who's back. -Who's back? -It's your back. ♪♪ -Well, the holiday season
is upon us once again, and that means
spending time with family. Here with his advice
on how to manage the holidays, please welcome Drunk Uncle. -Hey, Seth. It is great to be here,
hosting Saturday Night Fever. -Okay. So, Drunk Uncle, are you excited
for the holidays? -The holidays are not what they
used to be, Seth, you know? When I was a kind, you know,
Christmas meant something. You know, people --
people got dressed up. You know, they would travel
6 hours in a car. Nowadays, it's just, "Hey,
could you e-mail me dinner?" "Hey, could you fax me a hug?" Pbhht! -Okay, well,
do you have any advice on how to deal with family? -I found out that my niece
is getting gay married. You know what I'm gonna get her
for a wedding present? A boyfriend. -Drunk Uncle, can we please
just talk about the holidays? -Occupy Lame Street. I mean, you know, kids, they need to pull up
their pants, Seth. Kids today... Kids today,
they're always saying "Text me. Text me. Text me." Why don't you write a letter,
you dummy? -A letter to who? -You can't even say
"Merry Christmas" anymore. You got to say,
"Hey, Baby Jesus, do you want to do Pilates?" Or "Are you on a cleanse?" You know what I like
about Christmas, though? That sexy green M&M lady. [ Chuckles ] I would hit that. Come on.
You've thought about it. -No, I really haven't. -You've thought about it.
-No, I haven't. -♪ Every kiss begins with Kay ♪ Put that in your iPad
and smoke it. -I can't believe I'm saying
this, Drunk Uncle -- I think you might be too drunk. -So I didn't make the big catch! So I wasn't prom queen. Okay? So I wasn't sports king. Okay? So I'm not muscle man, okay? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Pbhht! That's not me. -I'm sorry, I --
What's your point? -How high do you think
I can jump, Seth? Immigrants! [ Laughter ] Beth. Beth. If I was Dr. Conrad Murray, I would rent a boat. You know what I'm gonna say. -I don't. I don't.
-Hey. Hey. Hey. Guess who's back. Guess who's back. -Who's back? -Your back. -Ohh. That stinks. -Your back.
-That stinks. -So, in conclusion... [ Cheers and applause ] ...you're all robots. -Drunk Uncle, everyone. -It's your back.
-I know it's my back. -Well, it's the new year, and that means new resolutions
for 2012. Here with his new year's
resolutions is Drunk Uncle. [ Cheers and applause ] -Happy New Year! Ten! Nine! It keeps going down from there.
-Okay. So, uh, Drunk Uncle, what are
you looking forward to in 2012? -You see these?
They cost five dollars. When I was a kid, five dollars,
you could get -- you could get hot dog, milk,
bread, cigarettes, television. Nowadays, it's just,
"Is this gluten-free?" "Is there -- Is there
pomegranate in this soy milk?" Pbht. YOU press 1 for English. -[ Laughs ] Okay. Wow. You got off track
really fast there. -Global boring!
-Oh, boy. -You know -- You know, girls need to wear hats
in church, Seth. They're always saying, "Twitter me.
Twitter me. Twitter me. I wanna Kindle my boyfriend." Pbht. Girl with a dragon tattoo? Buh. Not in MY house. -All right, so,
any new year's resolutions? -My nephew bought me
a smartphone for Chrimmis. -Okay.
-You know? If it's so smart, why can't I
get a driver's license? Reagan! ♪ Trust Sleepy's ♪ ♪ For the rest of your life ♪ You know where I'm coming from.
-Drunk Uncle... -Okay, so I wasn't the biggest
guy in the world, okay? So I -- I wasn't CAO, okay?
-Okay. -Well, I'm not
Fantasy Man, okay? -Okay. -[ Vocalizing operatically ] That's not me. -You're lighting the filt--
Don't. You're lighting the filter.
That's the wrong end. -What? The wrong end of what? Oh. Sorry, college boy. You know what
my New Year's resolution is? -We would love to know. -I'm gonna watch the damn
Vikings game, Gloria, and that's final. And if you don't like it,
you can e-mail me at wwww dot is this really America? Dot question mark? Dot no, it isn't. Dot immigrants! -All right. Drunk Uncle, I think
you're a little too drunk. -Yeah, I got a gun! -What?! -It's a Luger. [ Chuckles ] But don't worry.
The safety is on. -Okay. Everyone here
can see both of your eyes. -Good. Good for them. Hey. Hey. -What? -Pull my finger.
-No. -Pull my finger.
-No. No. -Amy, pull my finger.
-No. -Come on.
-I don't -- I know what -- -Ah. It's too late.
I already did it. -All right. -Just pull my finger anyway.
-Drunk Uncle, everyone! For "Weekend Update,"
I'm Seth Meyers! Good night! ♪♪ Well, Easter Sunday
is upon us once again, which means time spent
with the family. Here with tips on how to cope
with your family, Drunk Uncle. [ Cheers and applause ] -♪ Simply havin' ♪ ♪ A wonderful Easter time ♪ [ Chuckles ] -Well, happy Easter,
Drunk Uncle. -Is it, Seth? 'Cause when I was a kid, you know, Easter
used to mean somethin'. You know?
We used to get dressed up. I wore a tuxedo for a week. We used to color our eggs
by hand with lead paint. Now? There's an app for that. Boop-boop. Hey, Siri, why did
a Chinaman steal my job? Droid! [ Laughter ] [ Chuckles ] -So, Drunk Uncle, are you spending Easter
with your family? -Yeah, I can't wait. You wanna see an impression
of my niece Alyssa? -Sure.
-"Meh. Meh. Meh. Meh." What's the matter, Alyssa?
Cat got your Prius? Ugh. eBay of Pigs! You know -- Pbht. Kids today,
they don't even know -- they don't even stand
when a woman comes in the room. All these kids care about is, "Is this Wi-Fi organic?" Pbht. "Can I get -- Can I get some
raw almonds on my yoga class?" Ugh. "Netflix me. Netflix me. Netflix me." You know what you should put
in your Netflix queue? A haircut. -Drunk Uncle -- -Uh, you call this
St. Patrick's Day? -No.
-Stupid. Stupid. St. Patrick should chase
those snakes out of my town. [ Laughter ] You know... When I say "snakes" [Chuckles]
what I really mean is -- -Oh, yeah, no, don't say it. -Fine. Fine. Minorities. -Drunk Uncle --
-So -- -Oh --
-[ Whimpers ] -Oh, no. -So I'm not a prizewinner, okay? So I'm --
So I'm not a dream hunk, okay? So I'm not
too-fast-too-furious, okay? [ Groaning ] [ Laughter ] That's not me.
-That's not anybody. -I know. So? So what? You -- You know
what I call "The Hunger Games"? -What do you call
"The Hunger Games"? -Trying to raise six kids
on an exterminator's salary. Brenda! [ Laughter ] ♪ Oh, the best part
of waking up ♪ [ Laughter ] [ Snores ]
-Drunk Uncle? -♪ Is Folgers in your cup ♪ He's still Cassius Clay
to me, Seth. -Okay. Drunk Uncle... I'm just gonna say this.
I think you're too drunk. -[ Sputters, scoffs ] Is that what you think,
One Direction? -No, don't call me that. -Barf. Our country's
heading in one direction. The crapper.
-Alright. -"Too drunk." I'm fine.
-Alright. -I just need to put something
in my stomach. -Oh, God. -Peeps.
-No. That's a bad call. Honestly -- [ Laughter ] Peep-peep. [ Chuckles ] Peep-peep.
[ Laughs ] The Roadrunner.
-Yeah, yeah, no, I -- -"Peep-peep."
-Yep. -You get it, Tina?
-Alright. -You get it?
-Yeah! I get it. -Hey. Hey. Knock, knock. -Who's there? -No, you say knock, knock. -[ Sighs ] Knock, knock. -Who's there?
-I don't know. -Okay. Just say immigrants.
Start over. [ Laughter ] -Knock, knock.
-Who's there? -Immigrants.
-Go away. -Drunk Uncle, everyone! -You're under arrest. -Well, the election is over, but people are still
talking politics. And there's nothing more fun than talking politics
with family members. Here with an election recap,
Drunk Uncle! [ Cheers and applause ] -♪ I want my country back,
country back, country back ♪ ♪ I want my country back ♪ [ High-pitched ] ♪ Chili's,
that's where I drink ♪ [ Deep voice ]
♪ And then I get drunk ♪ -Alright. So, uh -- So, Drunk Uncle, I assume you're not pleased
with the outcome? -[ Scoffs ] You think? [ Chuckles dryly ]
People -- People don't even dress up
for an election anymore, Seth. [ Snorts ] You know? Back --
Back when I was a kid, you couldn't vote unless you had suspenders, cane, monocle,
top hat, fancy. [ Laughter ] You know? And when you voted, you pulled a damn lever, Seth,
like a man. You didn't -- You didn't
fill in a little oval like you're taking
some pregnancy test. We had -- We had two choices. Okay? We had Roosevelt
and Reagan. There was -- There was
no "Green Party." There was no "Senate." [ Laughter ] You know? If you wanted -- If you wanted
a House of Representatives, you built one yourself. -Alright, I -- You know, I think
you're already pretty off-track. -Ugh, kids today -- kids today,
they don't even read newspapers. You know? It's just, "Is this ballot 4G?" Ugh. "Hey, can I vote
with a Groupon?" Barf. You know
what I want a Groupon for? A moment's peace. Instead, I got my fat niece
going, "Spotify me. Spotify me." Barf. Spot-if-I care.
-Alright. So, Drunk Uncle, were you
surprised by any of the races? -Oh, yeah, sure -- blacks, Hispanics, Koreans.
-Okay, no, no, no. -All of them, really. -No, I meant
the political races. -Oh, you want to talk
about equal rights? A dog can pee in the street.
That's fine. Drunk Uncle pees
on one pay phone, gets arrested instantly. Okay? Where the hell
are my rights, Linda? [ Laughter ] Red state, blue state,
red state, blue state, red state, blue state. Ugh. You know what state I'm in?
Denial. [ Laughter ] [ Chuckles ] Windows 8.
-Okay. -Windows 8. [ Chuckles ] Windows ate my homework.
-Alright. -Is there an app for that?
-Are you asking me? -I have an app for every time
Linda makes meatloaf. It's called Angry Turds.
-Alright. -[ Chuckles ]
-Alright, Drunk Uncle. -Yeah, I'm a hoarder! But -- But you know what I
hoard? 1950s Playboys and dignity. Hmph. [ Laughter ] ♪ Nationwide is on your side ♪ [ Laughter ] If Nationwide is on my side, how come Mitt Romney
isn't president? "Jewspapers."
-Drunk Uncle! Please. -[ Sobs ]
-Oh. Oh, boy. -So I didn't
shoot for the stars, okay? So I didn't go
to electoral college, okay? So I'm not Magic Mike, okay? So I'm not IMAX Real 3D! Okay? [ Barking ] [ Groans ] That's not me. -That's not anybody. -It isn't me. -Drunk Uncle, I can't believe
I'm saying this, but I think you're too drunk. -[ Chuckles ] Hey, Seth.
-Yeah? -Seth. Hey.
-Yeah? Yeah? -Hey. Hey.
-Yeah. Yeah. -Why did the chicken
cross the road? -Why?
-Say it with me. To get away from the immigrants!
-...immigrants. Drunk Uncle, everyone!
