The Best of Wanda Sykes as Guest Host | The Daily Show

normally I don't find funerals funny but here's a story about a funeral that I found hilarious because this funeral had Donald Trump and that guy could turn anything into a joke maybe you've heard of diamond and silk you know those two sisters who are always you know two sisters who always showing up at his rallies praising him on TV setting the black race back 50 years [Applause] know those two Trump helped meetings with them he'd invite them to the Oval Office he would point at them and say see black people love me well sadly Diamond passed away a few days ago yeah and silk said that she wanted Trump to speak at the funeral because the three of them were so close at least silk thought the three of them were close until Trump started to speak you know the world has lost one of its brightest stars real star but I see that we have another star who is equal to but she stepped up and she is different I'm serious I thought I knew him both I didn't I knew I knew Diamond but I didn't know silk at all I just learned about Sir you're fantastic you're gonna carry on Beyond Beyond anybody's wildest imagination [Applause] oh my God my girl like diamonds dead but I'm gonna bury silk oh yeah that's there's room for two in that casket or that to say you know Diamond but don't know silk is wild because they're always together that's like saying I know Bert but I've never heard this Ernie fella his wheel you know I thought sister sister was just called sister knowing Trump he probably only has room for one black woman in his brain at a time if he turns on the TV right now he'll be like wow diamonds hosting the Daily Show you know you know a week ago she was dead but thanks to me she's risen the word mommy is being canceled museums are choosing to go with different terms largely because of the pop culture view which tends to portray mummies as a monster so CNN says more museums are choosing to go with the term mummified person to restore the person's Humanity [Laughter] clear right off the bat mummies aren't monsters it's only a monster when it gets the [ __ ] up it's just the money monster but yes they want to they want us to be respectful the correct usage is mummified persons as in why the hell do half our Senators look like mummified persons if you ask me the museums are making a big mistake here having a monster in the museum is the only thing that gets kids in the door you think kids are coming to see them old ass bowls no coming to see your mommy this weekend the Church of England announced that it will now allow its clergy to bless same-sex marriages but they're still not going to allow the actual wedding to happen in the church but to be honest this is also how I feel about any destination wedding [Applause] but good if I don't know how your 2023 is going but it has not been going well for President Joe Biden just when we were ready to move on to the next Scandal the FBI FBS searched his house for 13 hours on Friday and they found even more classified documents for an FBI it's just decluttering by this house form they're like Marie condo going around his rooms like this list of spies does not spark Joy you know but honestly this doesn't bother me at all I mean come on the man has been in public office for 238 years you most of the [ __ ] he has isn't even classified anymore you read his notes and it's like keep an eye on this Hitler guy it's just history now they're teaching this stuff in schools well not in Florida but you know by the way some of you might not know but before doing stand up I worked at NSA for seven years yeah it's true I had a top secret clearance and everything take me for myself is dammit so I gotta say this story has me a little concerned you know I'm sitting here thinking damn what is in my garage put that back right yeah yeah I put that back I put that back but in Biden's defense at least he is cooperating with the FBI searches right in fact we've been so Cooperative is make me it makes me wondering like like is is he hoping they do work around the house for him you know it's biting like uh you know uh fellas I think I have some documents up in the gutters yeah you might need to clear the leaves out first I know Jill would love that she loved that speaking of Mike's Pence guess what they just found at his house you know yes classified documents yes him too first Trump bin Biden now Mike Pence you know at some point the FBI is just gonna have to be like okay I'm gonna close my eyes and count to ten and if they are classified documents on this table when I open them no one gets in trouble Facebook and Instagram are ending the two-year van they imposed on Donald Trump after January 6 and allowing the former president back on their sights I mean letting Trump back on Facebook is crazy you're just asking for trouble it's like letting Hannibal let the babysit your most delicious child [Applause] but Facebook is putting it back online anyway because they say that quote the public should be able to hear what their politicians are saying and to that let me say quote fui look we all know Facebook is losing a ton of money and they want that Trump attention back Trump is their White Lotus right I mean he's the Jennifer Coolidge of the internet yeah I'm fun look but I think maybe for the first week they should just allow him to only post cat photos you know let's see how it goes if you see a bunch of cats storming the capital although adorable shut it down finally there's something that Republicans and Democrats seem United on and it's this the Taylor Swift ticket Fiasco today on Capitol Hill Senators held a hearing to examine the lack of competition in the ticketing industry the bipartisan hearing comes in the wake of a technology breakdown on the Ticketmaster website during the pre-sale for Taylor Swift's upcoming tour super fans known as swifties faced hours long wait times and website crashes [Music] I'm not getting tickets [Applause] shame on you Ticket Master look what you did to these emotional young people hey you know what it's about time someone held Ticketmaster accountable and the swifties are the only ones who can get this done they're the most politically organized group in America yeah it goes swifties the teamsters in somewhere way all the way down the list is the Democrats you know these hearings are so popular I bet Ticketmaster screwed up tickets to that too you got kids outside crying I just wanted to see Dick Durbin [Applause] But ultimately there's only one way to fix this problem get rid of online ticket sales go back to waiting online in person cold make people earn that [ __ ] like we used to you're not a real fan unless getting a ticket gave you hypothermia hey I almost lost two toes just to see Johnny Gill put it again damn it the 2023 Oscar nominations were announced this morning yeah yeah and if you're wondering how they picked the nominees this year they basically just went hmm let's see who's not gonna slap nobody that's my pick now as usual there was good news and bad news good news Michelle yo became the first Asian woman but bad news no women were nominated for best director [Music] they gave it to Jane Campion last year so I guess this year they thought ah that should hold you broads for the next 50 years and personally I'm a big Woody Harrelson fan so I was happy to see some nominations for a triangle of sadness yeah which is not just a good movie it's also what Mike Pence calls a vagina we're coming up on 11 months since the Kremlin Gremlin invaded and now the Ukrainian military is getting some major reinforcements this morning the United States and Germany will both be sending tanks to Ukraine Ukraine has been desperate to get tanks as Russia prepares for a spring offensive and this morning it looks like more than a dozen German tanks will be on their way soon with as many as 100 to follow with the U.S expected to send more than 30 Abrams Tanks Ukraine wants the advanced German tanks as soon as possible as for those Abrams Tanks the only issue is they will not likely arrive for at least a year a year oh come on U.S Ukraine is fighting for its life and America is like all right the delivery window is from June to December make sure you're home I'll tell you that damn Louis The Joy has really messed up the post office he's gotta go now the reason it took so long to send these tanks is that Germany didn't want to send tanks alone they wanted another country to send tanks with them because you know it's not a great look just when it's uh German tanks rolling across Europe kind of makes people nervous I think it should have been Sweden yeah and they sent tanks to Ukraine and Russia okay hear me out hear me out and then Sweden do that thing you do where you send the tanks and parts with a diagram for assembling them see see that would bring the countries together because no one couldn't assemble that [ __ ] on their own you know Ukraine to be like hey Russia do you have an extra one of those wooden Peggy thingies FDA has some good news for babies and if there are any babies out there watching doing go to bed and also your food's about to taste a lot less like pennies in tonight's Health watch we have important information for parents about baby food the FDA today proposed new levels for lead in baby food cutting the allowable level by about 25 percent to 20 parts per billion or less now that would apply to baby foods made with fruits vegetables and dry cereals but not cereal puff and teething biscuits which have been found to have some of the highest lead levels the author of a 2019 report that found dangerous levels of lead in nearly 95 percent of manufactured baby food says the fda's proposals don't go far enough to protect children but at least now you know but at least now you know thing is is this how you break bad news to people now hey remember that bump I thought was a spider bite well it's herpes but at least now you know Across America police are handing out a hundred and twelve thousand speeding tickets every day yeah that's a lot of tickets I'm like where do they find the time to shoot people and those tickets aren't going going away anytime soon because these fines aren't just to punish you it turns out local governments need that money to keep the lights on traffic stops aren't always about safety or hunting Contraband or crime some cities use traffic stops to raise money the cities and counties that are trying to use these schemes trying to use these fines and fees to balance their budget are basically charging a backdoor tax to poor people in the South municipalities strapped for cash have been targeting the most vulnerable citizens we're primarily black and living under the poverty line in Missouri some of these municipalities generate anywhere from 20 to 40 percent of their total revenue by finding citizens yeah so the next time a cop asks do you know why I pulled you over you can be like let me guess the male wants a standing desk and getting fined is bad enough but then they tack on a bunch of extra fees payment plan fees collection fees one County even has a 51 dollar processing fee so it costs you fifty one dollars to give me a thirty dollar ticket how about you not giving me the ticket and you just saved yourself twenty one dollars and let's say and let's say you're like a lot of people and don't have all this money just laying around well in 14 States your ass might be going to jail yeah you heard me right 14 States will send you to jail for being poor and if you want to know what states those are it's probably the ones you're thinking of and guess what you could come out of jail owing even more because they actually charge you another fee for going to jail I'm in jail because I couldn't pay and now you're charging me more for being in jail you know I couldn't pay the lottery while I was I was in jail but you know what it doesn't have to be this way a lot of other countries never find you more than you can afford they find you based on your income this makes it more fair since billionaires aren't paying the same fines as people who work at the dollar store and if you're thinking that must lead to some expensive ass tickets you'd be right a man in Finland got caught speeding and boy did he have to pay up listen to this a Finnish millionaire got a 58 thousand dollar fine for going 64 miles per hour in a 50 Zone well that seems kind of crazy here over in Finland speeding tickets are based on your income the highest ticket so far was one hundred and three thousand dollars a ticket given to a Nokia executive who made roughly 14 million that year tell you what I tell you what we did that here that will make me start putting those quarters in the parking meter [Applause] look if the ticket is meant to punish you it should feel like a punishment thirty dollars for a rich person is not a punishment rich people don't even know money goes that low [Applause] if you ask Jeff Bezos for thirty dollars he'll be like uh do I just rip a coin off of this hundred dollar bill so long story short stop using poor people as your little take a penny jar especially over small [ __ ] if anything we should be doing the opposite I propose every Highway should have a broke Lane do what you want do what you want to do in the broke Lane but but tail light expired registration the England Muffler who cares you can haul ass in the broke Lane because you got to get from your second job to your third job I don't care do whatever do whatever it takes but if you get caught in the broke Lane talking about well I'm trying to get to my squash game at the Country Club then the officer can say whoo I'm gonna have to tase you and the electricity has a 51 dollar processing fee [Applause] [Music]

Channel: The Daily Show

Views: 635,197

Keywords: the daily show, the daily show episodes, comedy central, comedians, comedian, funny video, comedy videos, funny clips, daily show, news, politics, wanda skykes, best of, mummies, classified documents, ticketmaster, swifties, traffic tickets

Id: bj81_txOJu4

Length: 19min 43sec (1183 seconds)

Published: Mon Feb 20 2023