Trump Trial Comes to a Close, Giuliani Served at 80th Birthday & Aunt Chippy Gets Pranked Again!

I'm the host of the show thank you for watching thank you for joining us here in Hollywood I I appreciate hey look at the slashes here with us tonight how about that what a way to come back to work I was in New York last week uh supporting my friend Donald Trump you know he's this poor guy it's it's like you can't have an affair with a porn star and give her campaign money to shut her up anymore it's not fair at all the criminal trial the people versus Donald Julianne Trump is about to come to a close the prosecutors concluded their case today the defense is expected to rest tomorrow and I have to say I don't think a defense has ever been more well rested than this one letter Rip Van winkl fell asleep in court again today a reporter from the New York daily news was there she tweeted it appeared Trump was fully out a few minutes ago and just woke up his head was tipped back so far he would have been looking at the ceiling when he opened his eyes no is it possible that his gas is knocking him unconscious I mean how bored could you be at your own trial there was some excitement though the judge had to clear the courtroom he kicked everyone out because the defenses witness a lawyer named Robert Costello kept rolling his eyes at the judge and tried to stare him down Costello was an adviser to Trump's former fixer Michael Cohen Trump's lawyers they've been working to paint Michael Cohen as a sleazy liar who's hellbent on Revenge while conveniently leaving out the fact that Trump used him as his own personal porno venmo and Coen was on the stand for 4 days testifying against Trump among his many Revelations was that one of his duties for the family was Consulting on Melania Trump's Madame T's wax museum negotiation you know they those this is not a joke by the way he was in charge of making sure the sculptor got her dead-eyed scowl just exactly right they did do a pretty good job she's she's almost smiling he's adjusting his pants it's uh I like that there's a wax figure of Milani that you know that means at every night there are two milanas who won't sleep with Donald Trump there was no court on Friday because um so Trump could go to his son Baron's High School graduation remember the one he was screaming about saying the judge wouldn't let him go to his son's graduation well he was allowed to go to his son's graduation and almost immediately fell asleep there too he sat down closed his eyes he said iwake me when they get to the letter to on the way to the ceremony Trump posted this he wrote going to baren high school graduation great student wonderful boy very exciting djt what a beautiful fatherly post isn't that so personal it's it's like what you would say to your schneer after graduated obedience school what a wonderful boy the graduation was a private event but there were a lot of photos of The Proud parents uh 54 year- Old Melania spent the ceremony wedge between her 77y old husband and her 80-year-old dad dressed like a Gondolier in morning Donald you can see Donald himself had an absolute blast he's uh same face he made when Eric was born the crowd in Florida was actually quite delighted to see uh when Dad waved his little hand at his son and I thought this was nice Trump let Baron borrow one of his giant red fat guy ties to drape around his shoulders you think Donald Trump I was thinking about this has ever taken a picture of any of his children I mean Ivanka obviously but any of the rest of his children think I'm trying to imagine it and I can't Trump did not speak at the ceremony which is a shame because never mind circumstance no one is more full of pump than Trump and when it comes to wisdom he has a lot to offer to these young graduates but since he didn't we took the liberty of cobbling together some of his more inspirational moments to make this speech for his son's graduating class let me begin by saying to each member of the graduating class congratulations you can do things that that stupid people can't do as we pursue this bright future we must hold accountable the nation which Unleashed this plague onto the world China you all see the future the future is Bleak how your eyes because they won't be good in 5 years hot dogs let's talk about hot dogs I just had one actually you have a better chance of being struck by lightning than hitting a whale with your boat the late great hanbal Lector is a wonderful man if you'd like to see a nice bird Cemetery walk under a windmill sometime never ever call Chris Christie a fat pig ever and look 100% I wish you a lot of luck work hard do the best you can and remember what I said no drugs no alcohol have a good life the American dream is dead all off the cup so then after the graduation fibra flew straight to the annual Lincoln Reagan dinner in Minnesota where he either falsely or just dumbly claimed he won the state in 2020 and where for a guy who claims he doesn't use a teleprompter he got pretty upset about his teleprompter how about that before I got up the teleprompter fell down that's great great fellas back there then they want to know why I didn't pay the bill you know I get a lot of heat he gets a lot of heat when he doesn't pay the bill except for the heating bill when he doesn't pay that he gets no heat at all but who brags about stiffing workers on a stage at a campaign event you know a lot of people were surprised to hear uh Trump and Biden were able to agree to the terms and dates of two debates they're having one in June and another in September but of course this being Donald Trump there were always a few bonus rules to throw in I just want to debate this guy but you know and I'm going to I'm going to demand a drug test too by the way I am no I really am I don't want him coming in like the state of the union he was high as a kite that's right sleepy Joe he can barely put two sentences together but he's also firing on all cylinders when he's on cocaine what is this what are they going to test him for sasparilla I mean really and are we to believe that taking drugs makes one a better debater I don't know if any of you have any experience with drugs from what I've gathered that is not usually the case listen the only drug Joe Biden is on starts with meta and ends with muel okay of course Trump might not have to worry about any of this because he could be locked up on Riker's Island for the debates it's a real possibility the good news is that even when he's gone he has inspired a massive new wave of crazies led by people like Marjorie Taylor green who are keeping the Trump tradition of simple-minded boorishness alive and well do you know what we're here for you know we're here about I don't think you know what you're here for well you the one talking about I guess I think your fake eyelashes are messing up hold on hold on listen order how dare you attack the physical appearance of another person her words down oh oh girl baby girl oh really don't even play that happened during a not the real housewives that was a hearing from the house oversight committee Margie tillig green heckled a congresswoman from Texas Jasmine Crockett and got a whole hell of a lot more than she bargained for back I'm just curious just to better understand your ruling if someone on this committee then starts talking about somebody's bleach blind bad built Butch body that would not be engaging personalities correct a what now chairman oh I just want to stop and just imagine having the words bleach blonde bad built Butch body right at the tip of your tongue it's miraculous if Drake had had that he would have had no problem with Kendrick Lamar and then we have the magga OG Rudy Giuliani who celebrated his 80th birthday over the weekend he had a party in Palm Beach where guests serenad him with what might be the most offkey version of Happy Birthday ever recorded happy birthday to and he died yes no so so this is where it gets funny Rudy as you may know has been charged with making false claims of voter fraud in Arizona after the election in 2020 and I guess he was feeling a little bit feisty because because he posted if Arizona authorities can't find me by tomorrow morning they must dismiss the indictment so then two agents they look at the video they figure out where the party is they show up and they serve in the papers happy birthday dummy what a laer what a the Attorney General from Arizona has been trying to track him down for weeks this has to be the second most embarrassing thing that ever happened rud Julie the first of course being the time he accidentally held a press conference outside of St speaking of crazy old Italian people my Aunt Chippy if you watch this show regularly you know that we really like to get her going an CH when she's not appearing reluctantly on this show volunteers helping her friend who owns a trophy shop in Las Vegas it's a sanctuary for her a sanctuary that my cousin s and her daughter my cousin Mickey managed to penetrate to bring us this test of ant chippy's patience and professionalism [Music] now you got your stuff or she's that grabbing it for me okay yeah all right I'm cousin s we have pranked an chippy what a million times maybe more never with the help of my cousin Mickey was an chippy's youngest daughter you ready Mick I am I'm so nervous I think with oh good maybe we should switch seats okay let's do this go get her okay you're all set I'm set thank you so now Wendy when you feel when it feels right you can bring her up to the front and tell her about the trophy come with me I'll show you something oh you want me to come yeah didn't you notice a humongous trophy look it's practically touching the ceiling it's for the Vegas Knights someone from Vegas Knights is going to come pick this up their Stanley trophy because they won the championship last year they're going to present it next week be very gentle very gentle is going to come in this morning for it this is what's coming in to pickup don't you just touched you know not for anything just so I can say yes I touched that trophy okay Jeremy you ready okay all right lots of ringing lots of knocking she loves it all [Music] I hear you hey [Music] hey hey I hear you I I couldn't tell if you hear me I'm just following the signs like you can make a sign for what you want me to do okay that's what you do right but banging on the door 15 times is not acceptable what can I do for you guilty is charged guilty is charged okay I do for you so I got a uh trophy I had made but it wasn't right I got to fix it it was a problem you had it made here yeah where is the trophy oh I left in the car very [Applause] there so so come back and knock knock and ringing and all the stuff [Music] [Applause] I hear [Applause] you you're ridiculous you're absolutely ridiculous what you're ridiculous never heard anything like it I didn't see you with the counter I told you i' to be right back you locked me out you're getting on my nerves give me what you got before I ask you to leave let me show you what happened here okay what does that say to you best dog ever okay that's the problem I'm a producer I make movies okay this is for my actor all right he says best dog you're supposed to say best dong ever where's your paperwor one yeah if we add an end to the the trophy all you do is add an N everything you don't just add an N you got the whole thing over that's why I need the original paperwork now if it says d o n on the original paperwork you will get it done for free if it says best dog ever you will pay for it to be reprinted okay but you know the difference right between a dog and a dong dog and a dong no so what I will do is I will take this I will find the original paperwork look it's not supposed to be this it's supposed to be this it's going to be on top not a dog so we got to we got to add an N we got to put this on top that's the difference where you going now I'm going to tell you right now you've already gotten on my nerves I'm going to get the original paperwork so you just calm yourself down and stand there I feel like we got off on the wrong foot we we got off on too many wrong feet can I just say one go ahead it's okay I made movies maybe you've heard of them grandma got run over by a threesome you ever heard of Grandma Got Run Over By a threesome I don't care Debbie does Dentures I don't go to the movies I don't go to the movies the golden shower girls well these movies you don't go out to I have no idea what the hell you're talking about not a clue we do classy movies we do geriatric porn it's all geriatric porn I feel I'm busy all right you got a phone call now please leave hey salami stallion where you at I'm picking up your trophy right now yeah yeah yeah I'll see you here okay go out out out Salam stallion on his way out oh here he is the salami stallion hey how you doing stupid salami stallion do you have my trophy ready was she nice to you no no not at all yeah you made a trip in from Veg from California for this you yeah I mean it's a beautiful trophy do you let me die just let me die not yet not yet well listen I wish I could give you a trophy maybe I'll give you this one here oh my God oh my God s the guys coming in for that what oh my God oh my God oh my God God oh no oh there she is and Chippy [Applause] everybody thank you and chy we have a fight Tony goldan is here over back with Jennifer Lopez [Applause]

Channel: Jimmy Kimmel Live

Views: 2,409,464

Keywords: jimmy, jimmy kimmel, jimmy kimmel live, late night, talk show, funny, comedic, comedy, clip, comedian, mean tweets, Monologue, Guillermo, Hollywood, Los Angeles, West Coast, Donald Trump, Trump, Hush Money Trial, Criminal Trial, Gag Order, Melania, Mar-A-Lago, republicans, Democrats, Stormy Daniels, New York, Michael Cohen, Barron Trump, Joe Biden, Marjorie Taylor Greene, Rudy Giuliani, Aunt Chippy, Prank

Id: 8DJePkMyJUc

Length: 16min 38sec (998 seconds)

Published: Tue May 21 2024