WELCOME, WELCOME ONE AT ALL TO
"THE LATE SHOW." I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
IT'S MY FAVORITE TIME OF THE YEAR.
IT'S THE SEASON OF LOVE AND JOY, AND THERE'S BIG LOVE NEWS FROM
THE WORLD'S LEAST ELIGIBLE BACHELOR, POPE FRANCIS,
SEEN HERE COSPLAYING AS HIS FAVORITE CHESS PIECE.
WELL, THIS IS JUST TODAY, RIGHT? EARLIER TODAY, HIS POPINESS
ANNOUNCED THAT PRIESTS WOULD BE ALLOWED TO BLESS SAME-SEX
RELATIONSHIPS. [CHEERING]
WOW. WOW.
HOLY COW. BRAVO, POPE FRANCIS.
IT'S ABOUT TIME. IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME.
AND WHO KNOWS? WHO KNOWS?
NOW THAT THE DOOR'S OPENED, MAYBE SOMEDAY WE'LL FINALLY SEE
A GAY PRIEST. NOW, THIS NEW POLICY WAS
ANNOUNCED TODAY, AND INSTEAD OF WITH AN ENCYCLICAL, THE VATICAN
JUST RELEASED RAINBOW SMOKE. IT WAS VERY EXCITING.
GOOD TO KICK OFF THE SEASON THAT WAY.
IT IS DECEMBER 18TH, AND ♪ IT'S BEGINNING TO LOOK A LOT
LIKE FASCISM ♪ THANKS TO DONALD TRUMP.
OVER THE WEEKEND, WAS THIS NEW HAMPSHIRE?
IN NEW HAMPSHIRE, HE HAD SOME PRETTY DISTURBING THINGS TO SAY
ABOUT IMMIGRATION. >> YOU KNOW, WHEN THEY LET --
I THINK THE REAL NUMBERIS 15, 16 MILLION PEOPLE INTO OUR
COUNTRY. WHEN THEY DO THAT,
WE'VE GOT A LOT OF WORK TO DO. THEY'RE POISONING THE BLOOD OF
OUR COUNTRY. THAT'S WHAT THEY'VE DONE.
>> Stephen: POISONING THE BLOOD? [BOOING]
THAT IS ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING. ALSO NOT TRUE.
THE BLOOD OF OUR COUNTRY ISN'T BEING POISONED BY IMMIGRANTS.
IT'S BEING POISONED BY DIPPING PIZZA IN RANCH DRESSING.
THE STATEMENT IS HORRIFYING IN AND OF ITSELF, BUT IT GETS EVEN
WORSE WHEN YOU REALIZE THAT THE TERM "BLOOD POISONING" WAS
USED BY HITLER IN HIS MANIFESTO "MEIN KAMPF."
[BOOING] NOW, AS YOU CAN IMAGINE, PEOPLE
ARE UPSET THAT HE'S QUOTING A GENOCIDAL MANIAC IN HIS
STUMP SPEECHES, BUT A MIKE PENCE AIDE DEFENDED TRUMP, SAYING,
"I THINK IT'S HIGHLY UNLIKELY THAT DONALD TRUMP HAS EVER READ
MEIN KAMPF." RIGHT.
'CAUSE IT'S A BOOK. HE PROBABLY GOT THE VERSION
WITH PICTURES. "MEIN FIRST KAMPF."
NOW, THAT'S ALSO UPSETTING. THAT'S ALSO A VERY UPSETTING
IMAGE. VERY UPSETTING IMAGE.
OBVIOUSLY, TRUMP'S WORDS ARE INDEFENSIBLE, SO LINDSEY GRAHAM
DEFENDED THEM. >> WE'RE TALKING ABOUT LANGUAGE.
I COULD CARE LESS WHAT LANGUAGE PEOPLE USE AS LONG AS WE GET IT
RIGHT. >> Stephen: YEAH.
WHAT LANGUAGE OUR LEADERS USE DOES NOT AND HAS NEVER MATTERED.
THAT'S WHY THE CONSTITUTION STARTS WITH
"WE DA PLOO-PLEES OF THE UNTIDED YABBA DABBA DOO
BAWITA BAWITA DANG DA DANG HOMINA HOMINA HOMINA HOMINA
HOMINA HOMINA HOMINA." AND IT WASN'T JUST GRAHAM,
TENNESSEE REP TIM BURCHETT ALSO SAID STUPID THINGS.
>> AS YOU WELL KNOW, I'M FROM EASTERN TENNESSEE.
WE DON'T USUALLY TALK LIKE THAT, AND HE'S FROM NEW YORK, AND
THAT'S THE WAY FOLKS, HE'S TRUMP BEING TRUMP.
>> Stephen: YES, WE IN NEW YORK ALL TALK LIKE AUTHORITARIANS.
REMEMBER WHO CAN FORGET THIS CLASSIC SCENE
FROM "MIDNIGHT COWBOY? >> HEY, I'M GOOSESTEPPIN' HERE!
I'M GOOSESTEPPIN' HERE! GIMME SOME LIEBESTRAUM!"
>> Stephen: TRUMP DIDN'T ONLY PAINT A DARK FASCIST FUTURE,
HE ALSO LOOKED FONDLY BACK ON HIS FASCIST PAST.
>> YOU HAD A CERTAIN GENTLEMAN BEHIND THE DESK, THAT BEAUTIFUL
RESOLUTE DESK, IN THE OVAL OFFICE.
WHAT WAS HIS NAME? HIS NAME WAS TRUMP.
HAPPENED TO BE TRUMP. BUT IT WAS ALL OF YOU
ACTUALLY. IN A CERTAIN SENSE, YOU WERE ALL
SITTING BEHIND THAT DESK. >> Stephen: "SO IN A CERTAIN
SENSE, YOU'RE IN A LOT OF TROUBLE FOR WHAT YOU DID BEHIND
THAT DESK. 91 CHARGES.
WHOO! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?
TAKING THOSE CLASSIFIED DOCUMENTS?
AND DON'T GET ME STARTED ON YOUR FAMILY LIFE.
YOU NEVER REMEMBERED ERIC'S BIRTHDAY.
SO IN A CERTAIN SENSE, YOU'RE THE TERRIBLE DAD
NO ME." IT'S NO SURPRISE THAT A LOT OF
PEOPLE DON'T WANT TRUMP. BUT A LOT OF PEOPLE
DON'T WANT BIDEN. ACCORDING TO NEW POLLS,
FEW U.S. ADULTS WOULD BE SATISFIED WITH A BIDEN-TRUMP
REMATCH. AS ONE VOTER PUT IT:
"THIS IS PROBABLY THE MOST UNIQUELY HORRIBLE CHOICE
I'VE HAD IN MY LIFE." SPOKEN LIKE A MAN WHO'S NEVER
HAD TO CHOOSE A BATHROOM STALL AT THE PORT AUTHORITY.
"THAT ONE, THAT ONE RIGHT THERE SOMEHOW HAS
THREE FEET IN IT, AND IN THAT ONE, I CAN HEAR THE TOILET
CRYING." SPEAKING OF NEW YORK CESSPOOLS,
RUDY GIULIANI. A MONTH AGO.
WAS IT A MONTH? MULTIPLE MONTHS AGO?
MONTHS AGO, GIULIANI WAS FOUND LIABLE FOR DEFAMING TWO GEORGIA
ELECTION WORKERS WITH LIES THAT WERE SO DAMNING, THEY WERE
FORCED TO GO INTO HIDING. LAST WEEK, A JURY HAD TO DECIDE
HOW MUCH RUDY WOULD HAVE TO PAY THOSE ELECTION WORKERS.
KEEP IN MIND, THEY WERE SEEKING $43 MILLION.
WELL, ON FRIDAY, THE JURY ORDERED GIULIANI TO PAY THEM
$148 MILLION, [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
$105 MILLION MORE THAN THEY ASKED FOR.
IT'S A SITUATION KNOWN IN LEGAL TERMS AS
[LAUGHING] [COUGHING]
NO ONE'S SURE HOW MUCH OF THIS JUDGMENT RUDY WILL ACTUALLY BE
ABLE TO PAY, BECAUSE HIS NET WORTH IS UNKNOWN.
ALTHOUGH A FINANCIAL STATEMENT ACQUIRED DURING DISCOVERY
LISTED HIS PERSONAL ASSETS AS TWO EMPTY FRANZIA BOXES
AND A PAPER BAG LABELED "BACKUP TEETH?"
POINT IS: RUDY NEEDS CASH AND HE NEEDS IT REAL QUICK.
HE'S GONNA HAVE TO STOP MAKING VIDEOS ON "CAMEO" AND START
MAKING VIDEOS ON "ONLYFANS." [LAUGHTER]
NO? NO?
OKAY. ONCE IT WAS ALL OVER, RUDY TOLD
REPORTERS THAT THIS ISN'T OVER. >> OF COURSE THERE'S VERY
LITTLE I CAN SAY RIGHT NOW. I HAVE TO ANALYZE THIS.
OBVIOUSLY -- POSSIBLY WE'LL MOVE FOR A NEW TRIAL,
CERTAINLY WE'LL APPEAL. >> Stephen: I'M SORRY, RUDY.
I COULDN'T HEAR WHAT YOU WERE SAYING OVER WHAT IS GOING ON
WITH YOUR STAFFER'S HAIR. IT REALLY LOOKS LIKE HIS BARBER
DIED MID-CUT. IT'S LIKE HE'S BUYING A TOUPEE
ON THE INSTALLMENT PLAN. I DON'T THINK A.I. HAS FINISHED
RENDERING HIM YET. TURNING TO FOOTBALL NEWS:
TAYLOR SWIFT. [CHEERING]
WOW WOW. YESTERDAY, HER BOYFRIEND'S TEAM
WAS IN FOXBORO, MASS, DOING WHAT TEAMS DO IN FOXBORO,
THAT'S SMACKIN' THE BEJESUS OUT OF THE NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS.
BUT AT ONE POINT, THE REFS TOOK MERCY ON THE PATS WHEN
WHAT LOOKED LIKE PASS INTERFERENCE AGAINST
TRAVIS KELCE WAS NOT CALLED. CLEARLY, TAYLOR WAS FURIOUS THAT
TRAVIS DID NOT GET THE CALL, BECAUSE CAMERAS CAUGHT
HER SAYING SOME WORDS YOU WON'T HEAR ON CBS.
PEOPLE HAVE THEORIES ABOUT WHAT SHE WAS SAYING.
PERSONALLY, I DON'T THINK TAYLOR WAS CURSING.
I BELIEVE IT WAS AT THAT MOMENT SHE REALIZED THAT SHE FORGOT HER
MIDGAME TREAT, "THE FUUUUDGE!"
THE WOMAN LOVES FUDGE. IT FEELS LIKE EVERY WEEK BRINGS
US NEW TIDBITS OF TAYLOR NEWS. IN FACT, USA TODAY RECENTLY
HIRED A REPORTER DEDICATED TO FULL TIME TO COVERAGE OF
TAYLOR SWIFT. WELL, WE HERE AT "THE LATE SHOW"
WILL NOT BE OUT TAY-TAYED. SO WE ARE HEREBY DEDICATING
ONE OF OUR WRITERS TO COVERING ONLY TAYLOR SWIFT.
PLEASE WELCOME "LATE SHOW" TEAM TAYLOR, GLENN EICHLER.
GLENN? HI, GLENN.
>> IT'S ME. HI, I'M THE WRITER.
IT'S ME. >> Stephen: OKAY, GLENN.
YOU GOT THIS JOB BECAUSE YOU'RE OUR DIE-HARD SWIFTIE.
WHAT'S THE LATEST WITH TAYLOR? >> WELL, STEVE, AS WE ALL KNOW,
'TIS THE DAMN SEASON FOR TAY'S BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION
LAST WEEK IN NYC, BUT IT'S A GOOD THING
"KARMA IS HER BOYFRIEND," BECAUSE REAL BEAU TRAVIS KELCE
WAS NOT SAYING "WELCOME TO NEW YORK" AS HE DID NOT
ATTEND THE PARTY. I SURE HOPE THERE'S
NO "BAD BLOOD." [LAUGHTER]
>> Stephen: GLENN, I HAVE A SUSPICION THAT YOU DON'T
KNOW HER MUSIC AT ALL, YOU JUST GOOGLED TAYLOR SWIFT SONG TITLES
RIGHT BEFORE THIS SEGMENT. >> WELL, "SHAKE IT OFF," STEVE.
IT'S LIKE I ALWAYS SAY, "DROPS OF JUPITER LIVE COVER
FROM THE SPEAK NOW WORLD TOUR ALBUM."
>> Stephen: I APOLOGIZE, GLENN. YOU CLEARLY KNOW YOUR STUFF
GLENN EICHLER, EVERYONE. THANK YOU, GLENN!
[APPLAUSE] TAYLOR AND TRAVIS AREN'T ALONE.
THERE'S ALSO ROMANCE ON CAPITOL HILL.
BECAUSE A SENATE STAFFER WAS CAUGHT HAVING SEX AND
FILMING IT IN A HEARING ROOM. WELL, CERTAINLY GIVES NEW
MEANING TO THE WORD STAFFER. THE BELOW THE BELTWAY ACTIVITY
ALLEGEDLY TOOK PLACE IN THE SAME ROOM WHERE NOMINEES TO THE
SUPREME COURT ARE GRILLED BY SENATORS.
YES, THEY WERE DOIN' IT IN THE ROOM WHERE THEY PICK
THE SUPREME COURT. SO, IN A WAY,
WE'VE ALL BEEN SCREWED THERE. [CHEERING]
BUT, REALLY? THAT ONE/
I HAD MY DOUBTS ON THAT ONE. IN LIGHT OF THIS
CONGRESSIONAL NEWS, THEY'RE GONNA HAVE TO UPDATE
"SCHOOLHOUSE ROCK": >> ♪ I'M JUST A BILL ♪
♪ YES, I'M ONLY A BILL, ♪ AND I JUST GOT RAILED
ON CAPITOL HILL ♪ >> Stephen: WE GOT A GREAT SHOW
FOR YOU TONIGHT. MY GUEST IS
"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE'S" KENAN THOMPSON, AND WE'LL HAVE
A PERFORMANCE BY OLIVIA RODRIGO. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK,
EVIE AND I HAVE SOME FIRST DRAFTS OF HOLIDAY CARDS.
JOIN US, WON'T YOU?
