>> Announcer: IT'S "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >>> GOOD EVENING. HI. THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THANK YOU. GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE. >> WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE." I'M MICHAEL CHE. >> I'M COLIN JOST. AFTER BEING FOUND LIABLE FOR DEFAMATION AGAINST TWO GEORGIA ELECTION WORKERS, RUDY GIULIANI WAS ORDERED YESTERDAY TO APAY THE HILARIOUS SUM OF $148 MILLION. YOU MIGHT AS WELL JUST MAKE IT A BILLION BECAUSE THERE'S NO WAY HE CAN PAY IT. AT THIS POINT, THEY ONLY CALL GIULIANI THE MAYOR OF 9/11 BECAUSE THAT'S ALL THAT'S LEFT IN HIS BANK ACCOUNT. ALREADY? JULIANMY AMAZINGLY SEEN HERE IN BETTER TIMES, SAID DURING THE TRIAL THAT IT WAS AN ACCIDENT THAT HE ATTACKED THE PLAINTIFFS REPEATEDLY ON SOCIAL MEDIA WITH THE JUDGE NOTING, THERE'S A LOT OF ACCIDENTS GOING ON. SAID GIULIANI, OH, YOU COULD SMELL THAT? >> YESTERDAY, PRESIDENT BIDEN RELEASED A NEW VIDEO WITH BARACK OBAMA IN WHICH THEY REMIND PEOPLE THAT OBAMA CARE IS STILL AVAILABLE, BUT ACCORDING TO POLLS, PEOPLE REALLY WANT TO KNOW IF OBAMA IS STILL AVAILABLE. DURING CONGRESS'S FINAL DAY BEFORE THE HOLIDAY BREAK, THE HOUSE PASSED LEGISLATION THAT WOULD END A BAN ON WHOLE MILK IN SCHOOL CAFETERIAS. FINALLY, LET'S GET THESE KIDS THICK. >> REPUBLICAN REPRESENTATIVE DERRICK VAN ORDEN, WHO LOOKS LIKE IF SANTA STORMED THE CAPITOL, ARGUED IN FRONT OF LEGISLATION TO BRING WHOLE MILK BACK TO SCHOOL CAFETERIAS SAYING ALMOND MILK WASN'T REAL MILK BECAUSE MILK COMES FROM A MAMMAL, THEN WHIPPED OUT HIS NIPPLE AND SAID, ALLOW ME TO DEMONSTRATE. OFFICIALS AT HARVARD ANNOUNCED CLAUDINE GAY WILL KEEP HER JOB AFTER SHE APOLOGIZED FOR HER POORLY RECEIVED TESTIMONY WHERE SHE SEEMED TO DOWN PLAY ANTI-SEMITISM. SHE SAID, QUOTE, DID I DO THAT? >> NIKKI HALEY RECEIVED AN ENDORSEMENT FROM NEW HAMPSHIRE GOVERNOR CHRIS SUNUNU, WHICH WOULD BE HELPFUL IF ANYONE KNEW KNEW WHO THAT WAS. A NEW REPORT SHOWS FOR THE FIRST TIME THE MAJORITY OF BILLIONAIRES LAST YEAR RECEIVED THEIR FORTUNES THROUGH FAMILY INHERITANCE. I INHERITED MY FAMILY'S LEARNING DISABILITIES, NOT TO BRAG. >> A CHRISTMAS TOE TOE RELEASED BY THE ROYAL FAMILY FEATURES A BAD PHOTO JOB WHERE PRINCE LOUIS'S FINGER APPEARS TO BE MISSING. MEGHAN MARKLE SAID SHE HAS A FINGER THEY CAN USE IF THEY NEED IT. >> A SURVEY BY THE AMERICAN PSYCHIATRIC ASSOCIATION FINDS THAT NEARLY A THIRD OF AMERICANS ARE MORE STRESSED OUT THIS YEAR THAN LAST HOLIDAY SEASON. HERE SO COMMENT IS RICH AUNTIE WITH NO KIDS. >> WHOO. I LOVE ME SOME CHRISTMAS, MICHAEL. I AM TOO BLESSED TO BE STRESSED. >> WELL, I'M GLAD YOU'RE FEELING SO GOOD. BUT FOR A LOT OF PEOPLE, THE HOLIDAYS ARE VERY STRESSFUL. >> REALLY? WHY'S THAT? CHRISTMAS IS THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR. >> YOU THINK SO? >> YEAH. BECAUSE I AIN'T GOT NO KIDS. I AM LOVING LIFE, MICHAEL. I STAY DODGING BULLETS. I'M ALL ABOUT THE PUSH-OFF METHOD. >> THE PUSH-OFF METHOD? WITH A DUDE AND HE EVEN LOOKS LIKE HE'S ABOUT TO FINISH, I PUSH HIS ASS OFF ME LIKE, DO THAT MESS OUTSIDE. >> OUTSIDE? >> HE CAN'T EVEN DO IT INSIDE BECAUSE THAT'S RISKY, BABY. >> BUT THIS TIME OF YEAR IS STRESSFUL FOR PEOPLE WITH CHILDREN. DO YOU HAVE ANY ADVICE FOR THEM? >> I WOULD SAY, YOU KNOW, FOCUS ON YOUR CHRISTMAS TRADITIONS. >> THAT'S GOOD ADVICE. WHAT ARE SOME OF YOURS? >> EVERY YEAR, I SHOW UP TO MY SISTER'S HOUSE AFTER THE COOKING'S DONE, MAKE MYSELF A PLATE, USE HER BATHROOM SO I DON'T STINK UP MINE WITH ALL THAT CHRISTMAS MEAT, THEN DRIVE HOME, TAKE MYSELF A BUBBLE BATH, AND WATCH MY FAVORITE CHRISTMAS MOVIE OF ALL TIME, DJANGO UNCHAINED. DJANGO MAY BE UNCHAINED, BUT HE CAN TIE ME UP ANY DAY. I AM CUTTING UP. I CAN REALLY DO YOUR JOB, HUH? >> I DON'T THINK SO, AUNTIE. >> DON'T CALL ME THAT. YOU SOUND JUST LIKE MY SISTER'S KIDS. AUNTIE THIS, AUNTIE THAT. Y'ALL NEED TO CALL ME VERONDA. JUST BECAUSE MY SISTER GOT KNOCKED UP DON'T MEAN MY NAME CHANGED. >> WELL, SPEAKING OF YOUR FAMILY, HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT ABOUT HOSTING THEM FOR THE HOLIDAYS? >> HELL NO. I AIN'T HOSTING NOBODY. WHAT I LOOK LIKE, RYAN SEACREST? MY SISTER CANNOT COME UP IN MY HOUSE WITH ALL THEM DAMN KIDS. >> HOW MANY KIDS DOES SHE HAVE? >> TWO. AND THEY CAN'T STAY IN MY BEDROOMS EITHER. THAT'S WHERE MY KIDS STAY. SMITH & WESSON. >> YOU GOT A GUN? >> YEAH. DON'T TELL ANYBODY BECAUSE I AIN'T GOT A LICENSE. I'M ON LIVE TV, AIN'T I? MICHAEL, I AM CUTTING UP TODAY. CAREFUL, BABY. I'M ABOUT TO STEAL YOUR JOB. WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH COALEN JOKES AND VERONDA. BABY, CUTTING UP! >> SO YOU DON'T LET YOUR NIECE AND NEPHEW VISIT YOU AT ALL? DO YOU AT LEAST GET THEM GIFTS? >> OF COURSE I DO. >> WHAT DID YOU GET THEM LAST CHRISTMAS? >> I GAVE ONE OF THEM DEODERANT AND ONE OF THEM ADVICE. THE ADVICE WAS USE THAT DEODERANT. >> DO YOU EVEN LIKE THEM? >> ABSOLUTELY. DON'T GET ME WRONG. I LOVE KIDS. >> YOU DO? >> NO, SIR. HOLD ON. FOR REAL? IT'S YOUR BOSS, LORNE MITCHELLS. HE SAID, GIRL, YOU CUTTING UP. YOU UPDATING THE WEEKEND FROM NOW ON. >> OKAY, RICH AUNTIE WITH NO KIDS, EVERYBODY. >> IT'S VERONDA! >> SHE'S CUTTING UP. A NEW REPORT SHOWS THAT LOMA LINDA, CALIFORNIA IS THE CITY MOST LIKELY TO BECOME A BLUE ZONE, AN AREA WHERE PEOPLE ARE HEALTHIER AND LIVE LONGER. WHILE THE TOWN LEAST LIKELY TO BECOME A BLUE ZONE IS ONCE AGAIN BREAKFAST FETTUCCINE, TEXAS. >> A NEW SURVEY FINDS THE REASON HIGH SCHOOL BOYS ARE SHORTAGE IS BECAUSE THEY HAVEN'T FOUND THE RIGHT PERSON YET, WHICH MUST BE A NATIONWIDE SHORTAGE ON SKANKS. ALL RIGHT. >> A MUSEUM IN FRANCE IS USING AN AI GENERATED VERSION OF VINCENT VAN GOGH TO ANSWER VISITORS QUESTIONS ABOUT HIS PAINTINGS. UNFORTUNATELY, THE AI KEEPS RESPONDING TO QUESTIONS WITH, WHAT? >> NEW JERSEY POLICE RECAPTURED AN ESCAPED PIG NAMED ALBERT EINSWINE. THEY CALL HIM THAT BECAUSE COMPARED TO PEOPLE IN NEW JERSEY, PIGS ARE GENIUSES. >> WOW. FEDERAL OFFICIALS HAVE CHARGED TWO MEN FOR ALLEGEDLY KILLING MORE THAN 3,000 PROTECTED BIRDS, INCLUDING BALANCED EAGLES. ON THE OTHER HAND, BEST WEEKEND OF OUR LIVES. WELL, TONIGHT IS OUR CHRISTMAS SHOW, AND WE HAVE A TRADITION WHERE CHE AND I GIVE EACH OTHER JOKES TO READ. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> WE'RE MAKING EACH OTHER READ JOKES LIVE ON AIR THAT THE OTHER PERSON HAS NEVER SEEN BEFORE. >> AND THE IDEA IS TO GIVE EACH OTHER FUN JOKES. >> SURE. BUT BEFORE WE START, THERE'S SOMEONE VERY SPECIAL HERE WHO WAS LAST ON THE SHOW, SEASON THREE, 46 YEARS AGO, POET, AUTHOR, AND ACTIVIST, PLEASE WELCOME DR. HADDY DAVIS, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] THANK YOU. AND COLIN, YOU CAN START WITH YOUR FIRST JOKE. [ LAUGHTER ] >> HI. OH, MY GOD. A GROUP OF -- HAVE ANNOUNCED PLANS TO BRING BACK THE DO DO AND REINTRODUCE IT TO AFRICA. IF YOU ASK ME, I CAN THINK OF AT LEAST ONE DO DO I WOULD LIKE TO REINTRODUCE TO AFRICA. >> WOMAN'S AN ACTIVIST, COLIN. LAST MONTH, BEYONCE POSTED A PHOTO OF HERSELF ON INSTAGRAM IN A CHROME VERSACE DRESS AND PLATINUM BLOND HAIR WHICH MANY CALLED TOO WHITE. IN FACT, THAT PHOTO WAS SO WHITE, THAT I WAS FINALLY ATTRACTED TO HER. THAT IS -- WOW. >> THE ADULT SURVIVORS ACT, WHICH ALLOWED SEX ABUSE VICTIMS TO FILE LAWSUITS EVEN AFTER THE STATUTE OF LIMITATIONS EXPIRED HAS RESULTED IN SEVERAL NEW SUITS, FIGURES BECAUSE BITCHES LOVE BRINGING UP OLD STUFF. AM I RIGHT? [ LAUGHTER ] >> THE WOMAN MARCHED WITH KING. MJ THE MUSICAL ABOUT THE LIFE OF MICHAEL JACKSON HAS BECOME ONE OF THE HIGHEST GROSSING SHOWS ON BROADWAY, AND MY REVIEW OF THE ACTING IS THE SAME AS MJ'S TRIAL, MICHAEL'S AMAZING, BUT THE KIDS ARE NOT BELIEVABLE AT ALL. BUT I DON'T WANT TO END LIKE THAT. IT'S THE HOLIDAYS, AND I WANT TO END ON A POSITIVE UPLIFTING NOTE, ESPECIALLY WITH ALL THE TURMOIL IN THE MIDDLE EAST RIGHT NOW. SO I WANT TO SAY FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART WHETHER YOU'RE JEWISH OR MUSLIM, Y'ALL NEED JESUS. WOW. OH, WOW. WOW. >> THAT WAS REALLY -- THAT WAS A GREAT MESSAGE. >> WOW. OKAY. >> THAT WAS A GREAT MESSAGE. THAT'S A GREAT MESSAGE. PEOPLE CAN FIND YOU ON INSTAGRAM? THAT'S COOL. NEW YORK STATE NOW ALLOWS MOVIE THEATERS TO SERVE ALCOHOL, WHICH IS HOW I'M FINALLY ABLE TO ENJOY MY WIFE'S LITTLE ART MOVIES. I'M KIDDING, HONEY. I LOVE ALL OF YOUR MOVIES, AND IF YOU ASK ME, YOU'RE AN EVEN BETTER BLACK WIDOW THAN CARETA SCOTT KING. FOR "WEEKEND UPDATE," I'M COLIN JOST. >> I'M MICHAEL CHE, MERRY
