Trump is a Disaster on Every Level, Musk Fights Illegal Drug Claims & Jimmy Adopted a Dog!

previously on Jimmy Kimmel Live don't hit him with that stick he ain't going to hurt you from Hollywood it's Jimmy Kimmel Live tonight Jody Foster Jeffrey W and music from Duff McKagan with Cleo and the cleto and now Jimmy Kimble [Music] [Applause] I am the host of the show thank you for coming thank you for watching at home thank you for joining us here at our um beautiful headquarters here in Hollywood California right things have settled out we had a tumultuous week buddy heads with um delusional people but U things are kind of you know I was watching people actually play football last night I was watching the college national championship game the University of Michigan beat the University of Washington 34-13 was the score if you believe the mainstream media but um Blake corm and will Johnson were the most valuable players congratulations to them but the player I was most taken by was this gentleman if you know noticed husky quarterback uh Michael penx Jr who who has probably been through a lot I mean look at these headlines today penx Jr takes pounding penx junr on lost to Michigan we beat ourselves Michael penx slides it's not an easy life you know but he's going to be he comes from a long line of proud penices and I'm sure he'll be find you we're currently in the middle of what they're calling a triple demic which sounds like the new burger at Jack In The Box the health officials say we need to act now to get vaccinated before before it becomes a triple demic with cheese so please this could super siize the triple demic is the flu covid and RSV all teaming up like The Three Amigos of fleem doctors are urging Americans to um uh ask your medical professional or whichever NFL quarterback you trust for preventative advice and I oh speaking of viruses Donald Trump was in court again today uh Trump's been so much time at court the sketch artists are running out of orange pastels he was in Washington DC for a hearing related to his little Insurrection problem Trump is trying to shortcircuit the whole case by saying he was protected by Presidential immunity which made him okay for him to try to overturn the election I don't think the judges bought it listen to this exchange one of the judges asked Trump's lawyer if presidential immunity meant Trump could order Special Forces to kill a political rival I asked you a yes no yes or no question could a president who ordered Seal Team 6 to assassinate a political rival who was not impeached would he be subject to criminal prosecution if he were impeached and convicted first and so so your answer is is my answer is qualified yes there is a political process that would have to occur under the structure of our constitution that's Trump's lead lawyer Joe Camel with the um most ridiculous answer imaginable I mean if the president can order SEAL Team Six to kill a political rival Trump had better lock the doors at Mara Lago because Bazooka Joe Biden has every reason to blow it to Kingdom come right now the uh hearing the hearing did not go well for Trump but after it was over he went in front of the cameras and told everyone it did well I want to thank you all and we had a i a very momentous day in terms of what was learned and what they've conceded they conceded two major points that were were uh they were right in doing it I don't think they had much of a choice but they have very very big very powerful points he has no idea what the points are there are no points you scored no points it was a shut out but go on and we uh we think we had a very good day today the concession of these two major points was pretty amazing and uh honestly I'm very glad they did it I think they did the right thing thank you very much again no idea what he's saying he can't even make a point about points his other line of defense is that charges against him would lead to bedum which is basically a threat he saying people will riot in the streets and also he keeps whining that the world is against him the least I'm entitled to is presidential immunity just like any other president would get I'd be the only one that they would even consider not giving me immunity because for whatever reason people are angry that I've done such a good job right that's why why we're so upset he's so and that you're so damn good-looking it drives us nuts it's do you think he actually thinks he did a good job I when my son scribbles a circle with a face on it I I say good job even he knows I'm patronizing him he's he's in kindergarten Trump's also reported to be heading to New York on Thursday to personally deliver part of the closing argument in the $250 million fraud case against him and I'm sure his lawyers are thrilled you want to do what you shouldn't you be like in Iowa on Thursday campaigning or something this man is a disaster on every level and yet there's so many Die hards look at this house this is a home in Maryland all decked out in trump andalia it is scarier than any haunted house you'll ever see can you imagine like delivering a pizza to that place I would love to SP to see Trump spend one night in that house with those people but for whatever reason the race at least according to the polls that are usually wrong is a toss up age is definitely an issue for Joe Biden he is in desperate need of support from young voters and gramp podus is now pulling out all the bells and whistles to try to win them back my fellow Americans we're facing an inflection point in history now more than ever we need young Hustlers like you I mean it fam no cap on God I'm being dead ass here man B another Trump presidency won't slap I know he has Riz but he's given dictator he's fascism coded I get it you think I'm mid or cringe or that I represent a two-party system that makes you feel complicit in foreign policy decisions that ain't busing let me cook bro a second term will hit different I'll e hell i'll let the Dank play clean like it's a bowl of Dr Jill's famous turkey chili cuz the national anthem is a Bop democracy is a baddy and America is mother I'm Joe Biden and I've have no idea what the hell I just said to be honest I I don't either Elon Musk is pushing back on uh concerns from members of his companies who believe he uses illegal drugs musk says he doesn't which would mean that when he named his baby techn mechanics he had no excuse whatsoever ever according to the Wall Street Journal any illegal drug use by Elon Musk would violate Federal policies and could risk SpaceX contracts with the government it's been alleged that he has taken a variety of drugs including cocaine LSD ketamine and Twitter I mean I'm sorry X I mean X I always get those confused he says he's test he's clean in every test I have to say I don't know much about business it seems like it's never a good sign when your CEO has to be like don't worry I'm not on drugs I'm just naturally unhinged if I was I would take the drug excuse and run with it this is our second show of the new year we took a few weeks off for the holiday and on a personal note I wanted to mention that we have a new member of the family our kids the little ones have been asking for a dog for at least a year maybe every day it's dog dog dog especially our daughter but we don't want to just give them one we wanted to get something in return for the dog so we told our daughter Jane who's not and doesn't eat anything if you try 20 new foods we will get you a dog I thought this was genius she tried six new foods didn't like any of them and quit and one of them was pineapple by way she didn't like pineapple can you so we said all right we made a deal that's it you want a dog you have to try 14 more foods and um that's where it stopped for months she would not eat food we said no dog until her brother stepped in her six-year-old Billy Kimmel took a stand three weeks before Christmas he comes in he says we want a dog for Christmas and if we don't get one we know you're Santa Claus he shook us down and so we got the dog you know was like I mean what are you going to do my wife so now you have to find the dog my wife goes on one of these like Tinder style dog matching apps to find a rescue we got one from some very nice people at an organization called Wags and walks we got a three-year-old macadoodle oh you know that all right a macadoodle is half poodle half macaroni and cheese right is that the we don't know for sure what he is but his name is Todd he came with the name and we thought it was funny to have a dog named Todd so we kept it and then uh Jane gave him the middle name Birkenstock we we have no idea why she doesn't even own a pair of Birkenstocks but his name is now Todd Birkenstock Kimmel so far what we know about Todd Birkenstock is that he's very sweet he's very calm very nice and if you leave the door open even a sliver he will burst through it like Walter pton and run like he's being chased by the devil he got on Friday night he got away it's like 11:00 and I am running through the neighborhood as fast as I can screaming Todd Todd I pray to God no one had their ring cameras going I have no idea why he runs he's got a very good he's got everything and I think it's possible that he thinks we stole him he was living in a house with like 56 other dogs and as far as Todd knows he was taken from his family by us he thinks we are his dognappers so now we have a whole we have all every electronic device strapped to his neck Todd will never have another private moment again but it's terrifying when the dog runs I needed a drink I mean it's it really was me Jimmy huh what was that I said not me it doesn't make me want to drink cuz I'm doing dry January oh okay thanks yeah just wanted to let you know okay so uh anyway as I was saying the um wait I can I can explain dry January if anyone doesn't know what it is I I think people no it's really not necessary I think everybody pretty much knows so basically dry January means no alcohol for the whole month of January right okay that's why the call it dry January as in my mouth is dry from no drinks does that make sense it yes it does it makes perfect sense my dry January is going really good so far thanks for asking yeah yeah yeah I didn't I I didn't ask I feel great and I'm just noticing a huge difference physically like a huge difference don't I look different I I really don't know I've never seen you before so right I okay well and I don't have a problem I didn't say you had a good cuz I don't even miss alcohol I don't even think about it okay I you know what I'm happy for you but I am in the middle of um I was just talking about honestly the most I've thought about alcohol this whole time is right now when you just asked me about it I can't stress enough how much I never asked you about it now I now I can't stop thinking about alcohol like drinking it and stuff yeah well maybe this is a situation I mean sure I feel good now but imagine how good I'd feel if I were drunk on alcohol you know I have to say it sounds like you're struggling a little bit n no I'm fine I just I just need to talk to my dry January buddy what is that like a sponsor no it's not that serious it's just a buddy I can call if dry January ever gets so awesome that I start sweating and shaking uncontrollably let me let me call him real quick okay oh [Music] you go for guo wait your buddy is guo yeah yeah gee man I don't think I'm going to make it through Dry January it's too hard buddy listen I think you should have a little bit of tequila to calm you down that'd be awesome thanks yeah absolutely I think maybe you guys are kind of missing the point of Jos January because it doesn't seem that's um doesn't seem like it how it's that's not what he he's better I feel a lot better now yeah it's great okay so after all that you're now just giving up on dry January yeah I'll do dry February it's only like 25 days or something 28 okay nerd yeah nerd come on guys let's go get wet yeah happy [Applause] January

Channel: Jimmy Kimmel Live

Views: 1,701,550

Keywords: jimmy, jimmy kimmel, jimmy kimmel live, late night, talk show, funny, comedic, comedy, clip, comedian, mean tweets, Monologue, Guillermo, Hollywood, Los Angeles, West Coast, New Year, Aaron Rodgers, College National Championship, Michigan vs Washington, Michael Penix Jr, Tripledemic, Donald Trump, Trump, Court, Joe Biden, 2024 Election, Elon Musk, Twitter, New Dog, Todd, Dry January, Devin Field

Id: 5YMI0itzTJA

Length: 13min 59sec (839 seconds)

Published: Wed Jan 10 2024