(upbeat music) - Now, Donald Trump did
include one policy idea in his speech that, for
me, really stuck out. - We should only admit
into this country those who share our values
and respect our people. The time is overdue to
develop a new screening test for the threats we face today. I call it extreme vetting. I call it extreme, extreme vetting. - And I call it extreme vetting! Extreme! I call it extreme! Donald Trump is the biggest
joke, I'm sorry, people. It's like he's auditioning for the extreme vetting commercial. Extreme! I call it extreme! Okay, give me one, I
call it extreme vetting! How many takes do we get? It's live, Donald! It's live! He thinks it gets bigger with extreme. Extremer! Most extremist! Extremist of all! (upbeat music) The start of week two of
the Donald Trump presidency. - [Reporter] Chaotic
scenes erupting at airports around the world. - [News Anchor] Protests
all across the country. - [Reporter] Denounce
president Trump's temporary ban on travelers from seven,
mostly Muslim countries. - [News Anchor] Lawyers
descending on airports. - [Reporter] Chaos and confusion. - Is this the America that we believe in? - [Crowd] No! - This liberty? - [Crowd] No! - Do you understand how insane this is? People in the airport were pissed and it's not because
they are at the airport. Welcome to Trump's America. That's how bad the Donald is. No matter how bad the situation you're in, Donald Trump can always make it worse. Like there could be people
trapped in an earthquake and still they'd be going, "Oh, I can't believe
Donald Trump's new policy! Ahh! That guy was the lucky one!" (audience laughs) It's official, people. This weekend Trump
signed an executive order putting his so-called
Muslim ban into effect. And I know most of you
already know what's in it, but just for the one person
who doesn't understand it fully let's take the time to
explain what the ban means. Hey Donald, I know you
don't actually write or read any of those boring papers. So let me explain to you what you did. You banned everyone from
seven Muslim countries from entering the United States, even though you said your
ban was to protect America from outside threats, that ban included people with green cards and even seemed to include
dual citizens of Canada or Britain or any other
country you didn't plan to ban, you silly Billy! Now go back to watching CNN,
go back, go back, go back. By the way, this is just real quick. This guy who was banned from
the UK, his name is Zahavi. And he was a politician who in the UK used to tweet about Brexit. And he was like, "We
need our country back. We need to protect our borders! Brexit!" And then this weekend, he was like, "America won't let me in
because I'm a foreigner. How can Donald Trump do this?" Mmm? Comes around, baby. Comes around. (audience applauds) - Now because Donald Trump
put this thing together with all the consideration
of a drunken Vegas wedding, it's no surprise that it ended
with devastated families. - [Reporter] Families separated for hours, including this five-year-old boy. - [News Anchor] The
Cleveland clinic doctor who was forced to leave, even
though she holds an H1B visa for workers in specialty occupations. - [Reporter] Hameed Darweesh
is a 53-year-old Iraqi. He had helped to the U.S.
military for 10 years in Iraq as an interpreter. - [News Anchor] Fuad Sharef
and his family, Iraqi refugees, planned to make their move
to the U.S. yesterday, his family given the visa,
because he risked his life working with the U.S. government. - I don't know what to do
because I sold my house. I quit my job. - Now, if ever there's a story of being screwed over, it's this. A man risked his and his family's life to help America's efforts in Iraq, and now he's being turned away? He can't go home. He sold his house. He quit his job. And also, 'cause anyone
going out like that, you know he burned a few
bridges on the way out. Like, no one's leaving Iraq coming to America without making a show. He was probably like, "Malik.
Who's going to America? Not you. Boom! Who's out? I'm out. (humming "The Star Spangled Banner") I'm out of here." He can't go back. Now, one of the advantages
of being president is that you get to decide foreign policy without consulting anyone. I understand that's a perk. But only a Trump administration
would fail to inform itself as to what was going on. - Sources told our
Homeland Security reporter that senior-level officials at DHS did not have meaningful
warning of the details. - Homeland Security scrambled
to understand and enforce it. - John McCain and Lindsey Graham say they're caught off guard. - Exclusion of General Mattis. - [News Anchor] No guidance provided to Customs and Border Protection. - What kind of a slapdash,
arts-and-crafts administration are these fools running? Think about it, even the border officials, even the border officials
didn't understand the ban. They had to enforce it, and
they didn't understand it. They were probably asking
the refugees to help them. They're just like, "Hey, do
you know what this means? Do you know what it means?" And the guy was like, "Uh, yeah, "I think it means you
should be sending me back even though I have correct paperwork." "I just... I know it sound... It just feels a little draconian. I don't want to seem like an asshole." "Hey, don't worry. We
all have jobs, my friend. Your job, your job is to
enforce an irrational ban. My job is to go home and die. Huh? We all have jobs." Now, if you're wondering
where President Trump was when airports around the
country were in chaos. - Right now, on the
schedule for the president, he is hosting a family
screening of "Finding Dory" in the White House theater. "Shh! Don't disturb me! I don't care what's
happening at the airports. I'm watching a movie about
families being separated! It's hilarious! Shut up!" Who is this man? And, by the way, who hasn't
watched "Finding Dory" yet?! It's 2017! This man is
not fit to be president! Not fit!
(audience cheering) (upbeat music) With all the people taking to the streets Protesting against President
Trump's de facto Muslim ban, a lot of people have
been asking the question, Where are the Democrats in all of this? And why aren't they saying anything? Well, last night House
Democratic leader Nancy Pelosi held a rally in front of the Supreme Court helped us understand why. - Thank you very much for coming out. Is the sound working? Got it? The sound working? - [Woman] No. - I can hear you. Can you hear us? Can you hear now? No,
that doesn't do any good. Does this work better? No. Staff? Sound people? Shall we sing "This
Land is Your Land" again until they get the sound working? ♪ This land is your land ♪ ♪ This land is my land ♪ ♪ We are so (beep) now ♪ ♪ This is a nightmare ♪ Is this thing working? Is it? I'm talking about
democracy as a whole. Is it working? (audience laughs)
No? I didn't think so. But yo, guys, that was a
powerful address, it really was. It reminded me of Martin Luther King's "I Have a Bad Mic" speech. I'll bet Mariah Carey was like, "Yeah, Nancy, now try
it on New Year's Eve. It's not so easy, is it? I don't see you laughing now!" (audience applauds) Can I be honest, though? It's moments like this that
make me miss Obama. You know? 'Cause, like, I mean, I get
the song, but it's all folksy. Like, remember when Obama
would break into song? It was way cooler than that. Like, if Obama's mic went out,
he'd sing remix to "Ignition" or something like that, you know? And you know what made this
Nancy Pelosi thing even worse? The reaction from some of the people who were standing therewith her. - Is the sound working? Yes? The sound working? I can hear you. Can you hear us? (audience laughs) Is the sound working? (audience laughs) - Oh. Oh, man. I'm, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I shouldn't be laughing. I'm sorry, it's rude of me
to make fun of the Democrats before giving the president a chance. - [News Anchor] President
Trump tweeted, quote "Nancy Pelosi and Fake Tears Chuck Schumer held a rally at he steps
of the Supreme Court and the mic did not work, a mess, just like the Democratic party!" - First of all, first of all, can we just take a moment to acknowledge the world we're now living in? Because you realize, because
Trump is a president, this tweet is now a government record. You understand that? That means some guy at the Smithsonian is preserving that tweet in plastic next to the Gettysburg Address. That's what he's doing. Kids are gonna have to learn
that someday in school. You know, kids are gonna be like, "Four score and seven years ago but Fake Tears Chuck Schumer... (audience laughs) By the way, what are Mexicans?" (audience gasps) Oh, yeah, it's coming. It's coming. But it takes a certain
lack of self-awareness for Butterscotch Frog over
hereto call the Democrats a mess when he's made the West Wing
seem less like an office and more like Walmart on Black Friday. (audience laughs) And, like, and I'm talking
about the year Blu-ray came out. That (beep) was insane. Like, The Donald is the last person who should be calling
anyone's situation a mess, considering every single
day of his administration has been a cluster (beep). (audience cheers)
Inauguration lies, popular vote conspiracies, cardboard cake, forgetting to mention the Jews
on Holocaust Remembrance Day, and then this weekend, the
disastrous implementation of his immigration and refugee ban. Well, I mean, well, "disastrous"
is one description of it. Another way you could put it is. - It's working out very nicely. You see it at the airports,
you see it all over. It's working out very nicely. - Okay, now, either Trump's out of touch or he's just managing our expectations. He's like, "Oh, no, trust me, this worked way better
than I thought it would. (audience laughs) Trust me, folks, these are the good times. Remember these times, okay? These are the good times." I actually feel like the
next four years of Trump is gonna be him and his
people saying one thing and us saying, "We have eyes." - [Reporter] That order signed Friday leading to instant chaos
and confusion at airports, at home and around the world. - [News Anchor] Protests
erupted at airports all across the country. - [Reporter] It caught the
Department of Homeland Security, State Department, and customs
and border patrol flat-footed. - How do you see that? How do you see that and
think everything's okay? How? Either Trump's delusional or his aides replaced news coverage with that scene from "Love Actually." That's all he's watching every day. Because that is not what
we've been living through, I'll tell you that now. This entire thing has been a mess. And it's an unnecessary mess, by the way. A completely unnecessary mess. It's like Trump and his
team weren't even trying to make this thing work. There were reports that, before
signing the executive order, Trump blew off getting any legal advice from the departments of
Justice, State, Defense, or the National Security Council, or even Siri. Just ask Siri. I bet she would have
said, "You wanna do what? Bitch, you crazy." (audience laughs) Anyone would have told you,
if you just asked them. Bitch, you crazy. Which, by the way, is also
what four federal judges across the country said about the ban. They were there and they were, like, "My ruling is, bitch, you crazy." Although they probably did it in Latin. They were like, "Res
ipsa loquitur, bitch." (audience laughs) And last night, the
cluster (beep) crescendoed. - [Reporter] Breaking overnight, President Trump fires the
acting attorney general. - [News Anchor] Acting
Attorney General Sally Yates sending a dramatic letter
to department lawyers saying she was not sure President Trump's order
was, quote, lawful. - [Reporter] In a matter of
hours the president fired her. - Yes! He did it. He did it, the first you're fired of the Trump administration. Finally! Thank you, Jesus! No, let's be honest. That's the only part of Trump's presidency we were looking forward
to, that's the only part. And the only part he was qualified to do. That's it, that's it, that's it. I bet he walked in Yates' office, and did it like that photo shoot. Remember that photo shoot? (reporters shout indindistinctly) - Are you ready? - [Reporter] Yeah, we're ready. (audience laughs) - You ready? Can you hear me? Is this thing on? Is this Nancy Pelosi's mic? I still don't understand
why he does it silently. But he did, that's him. You're fired. Please tell, please tell me
that's exactly how he did it. - [Reporter] Sally Yates was
told by hand-delivered letter that Trump was dismissing her. (audience sighs) (audience laughs) You gave her a letter? The "you're fired" guy? Dismissed someone by letter? Donald Trump, that's your thing. That's like if Arnold
Schwarzenegger was leaving, and he was, like, "Farewell." (audience laughs) That's your thing. Donald Trump firing
people was the only thing we were looking forward
to in a Trump presidency. I bet there's some Trump voters who only voted for that issue. Yeah, some voters out there
are like, "Screw this. Bring in Mike Pence. That's
the only reason I voted." I don't know about you,
that's why I voted illegally. That's the only reason I voted. Otherwise, I would have voted for Hillary. What a waste! I could have
voted for someone else. (audience applauds) I mean, instead of being
embarrassed by Sally Yates, an Obama holdover, who is
leaving in a few days anyway, Trump could have instituted
the ban in a few weeks, when confederate hobbit Jeff Sessions would have been the attorney general. Could have just waited. It's no wonder the whole thing's a mess. Trump had all of the patience of a toddler who just ate his entire
birthday cake before the party. Who are you? You know-
(audience laughs) You know, Trump's whole campaign appeal was that he'd run the
country like a business. Remember that? Remember that he said that? He's going to run it like a business. And at the time, it seemed
like a terrible idea because it's a country, not a business. But now I'm starting to wish he would run it more like a business. Because what kind of business
would launch a new product without telling the rest
of the company about it, without checking it with the
lawyers, or most importantly, worrying about how it
would affect their brand? What kind of company would do that? It's not, although, I
guess, Trump is, in a way, keeping his promise. He may not be running the
country like a business, but he is running it like his business. (upbeat music) Trump is still doing president stuff. At the top of his to-do list lately is keeping people out of America, starting with supersizing the travel ban. - President Trump is planning to widen his controversial travel ban. The plan will prohibit nearly all people from seven countries. Now, the new restrictions are expected to be announced on Monday. - Our country has to be saved. You see what's going on in the world. Our country has to be saved. So we have a very strong travel ban, and we'll be adding a few countries to it. - Yes, Donald Trump is expanding
his infamous travel ban. And it looks like it's
gonna be six countries from Africa and Asia, and one from Europe, just to
throw people off the scent. You know? Yeah. Trump's travel bans are
like a reverse Oscars, a bunch of brown nominees
and then one token white one thrown in for diversity. It's, like, "Yeah, yeah, yeah." Now, I know, I know Trump's
State Department claims they're doing this to keep America safe. But it is starting to feel like Trump really just wants
to ban the entire world, but he's doing it a few
countries at a time, just so he doesn't look crazy, you know? It's almost the same way
like how I treat the dessert at a buffet, you know? Yeah, I'll just be like, "Yeah,
I'll just have one of these. Yeah, and maybe some of these. Yeah, yeah. Oh, I didn't see there was
cheesecake. There's cheesecake? I've got to have the cheesecake. Oh, I'll come back." (grunting) Either way, the travel ban
is about to get even broader. While Trump is trying to
stop people from moving here, he's also preventing them from being born in America
in the first place. - The Trump administration
issued new rules today aimed at cracking down on
so-called birth tourism, when women travel here to give birth, so their children will
automatically become U.S. citizens. - [Reporter] And it comes
after President Trump has railed against birthright citizenship. - You're a dictator who we
hate and who's against us, and that dictator has his wife
have a baby on American soil. Congratulations, your son or daughter is now an American citizen. Does anybody think this makes sense? - Okay, why would a
dictator want their child to be born as an American? What's the game plan? What, just have the kid born
here, become a U.S. citizen, and then when the kid
returns home, be like, "I have an American hostage,
and I have some demands!" Like, "Dad, what are you
doing?" "Shut up, infidel!" Now, even though Trump's
example is crazy, he's not wrong about people abusing
birthright citizenship. Every year, thousands
of rich foreign women fly to America just to give birth so the baby can be a U.S.
citizen, and then they fly home. And if you ask me, it's a good example of the Constitution being
behind the times, all right? 'Cause back then, when they came up with birthright citizenship, no one was just flying in for the weekend. Yeah, back then, you were
considered an explorer if you went more than three towns over. Yeah, people in New York
were like, "Did you hear? James went to New
Jersey, and he survived!" (audience laughs) So I wanting to limit birth tourism, but the question is,
how is Homeland Security gonna determine who's coming
in just to give birth? 'Cause that could get pretty
awkward at the airport. The border agent is just
gonna be like, "Hey! No pregnant women allowed.
Oh, you're not pregnant? Okay, fine, you can come in, but take a spin class
or something, come on." (audience laughs) So maybe curbing birth tourism
isn't the craziest idea. But Trump isn't just
going after rich families. No, he's also targeting
the tired, huddled masses yearning to breathe free. - The Trump administration
has scored a victory in its effort to place new restrictions on legal immigration. The Supreme Court has cleared
the way for the government to deny green cards to immigrants, if they sign up for public
assistance, like food stamps or Medicaid, or if they're
considered likely to apply for such assistance in the future. - Yeah. In other words, Trump
wants to block poor people from staying in America. Which explains the updated inscription on the Statue of Liberty:
"Bitch, better have my money." And honestly, it is kind of depressing. Because coming from nothing and
building a life for yourself is literally the American dream. It's basically what the
country was founded on. Well, that and the freedom
to get weird-ass haircuts. But that mostly. And the irony of this law
is that Trump's own mother arrived in America as a poor immigrant with barely any money to her name. So if these rules were in
place when she came over, she probably wouldn't
have been allowed to stay. She would have been denied
a visa and sent packing. And then there would
be no President Trump. So I'm not saying the law is terrible. I'm just saying it's about
a hundred years too late. (upbeat music)
