Tonight Show with Johnny Carson (Dec 14, 1972)

30 seconds all right you have my little spritzer friends thank you very much for coming hope you have a good time tonight we'll be on the air just a few seconds thank you the following program is brought to you in living color on nbc from hollywood the tonight show starring johnny carter this is edward fire in law with doc severance and the nbc orchestra inviting you to join johnny and his guests james garner bruce stern author terry gallinor and the mighty carson art players and now is johnny [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] hello come on now thank you thank you very much it's gonna be a long night tonight isn't it that's very nice of you i'm johnny carson your voice of christmas control right now we're at t-minus 11 days and counting do you realize it's 11 days it's frightening you haven't i had a good monologue for you tonight but this is not it i uh what happened well i got in trouble with the nbc sensors today and they put it in the biz bag that means at all you haven't done any shopping yet because you don't do that no something happens close to christmas you always can tell you you meet people you have not seen for an entire year yes uh they're very friendly at christmas time my fire department dropped by today uh to wish me a merry christmas and um went to a hotel today got out he says may i help you with your wallet it's all warm do you believe the mailman delivered a letter to me in bed today was addressed a dear occupant merry christmas listen excuse me i don't mean to interrupt but obviously you do well you are a very fashionable man thank you very much and there's a spread or something hanging from your coat right by your left hand don't pull it the whole thing might come apart wait wait a minute you showed me one other show on television where you get a hand for pulling a thread off your door something's wrong with the entertainment business unfortunately my shorts are on my knees ah have you enbe they're all having office christmas parties and a lot of companies don't do that anymore true because they get out of hand and people say things at office christmas parties they wish they had had never said the next day but i cannot picture at an nbc office party or christmas party with john chancellor with a lampshade on his head that doesn't doesn't make it um have you seen what they're putting up outside here at nbc in construction they're building a new building out here which is called what disneyland the world wonderful world of disney or what disney on parade which is kind of the roadshow version i guess of disneyland and they're building a new building out here have you ever seen construction works with big floppy ears it's a weirdest looking thing that's a long way to go for nothing wasn't it you might like this one uh this is was in the paper today a day before yesterday i think it was they had a bear that was shipped to this country from uh a himalayan bear right or himalayan whichever you prefer what do you prefer i prefer himalayan given a choice of two himalayan all right a bear from himalaya let's see right or himalaya all right what or himalaya or himalayan yes this bear under the floorboards of this cage they smuggled in something like 50 pounds of hash hashish in the bear's cage and the customs agents got suspicious the bear was acting strange it was the crate was sent over here on a plane and the bear was trying to get the stewardess to hibernate with him [Laughter] and uh so uh when did one do the astronauts leave the moon by tomorrow don't they they come back did you read the paper uh that they may have discovered a volcano on the moon that's true not to take any chances nasa advised the astronauts to sacrifice a jar of tang to it just in case that's what they interrupt yet did you know the astronauts took some tapes along to amuse them while they're up there marching songs music and i don't know what i'm supposed to mention this or not but it's in the paper they took along a tape of don rickles that's true doing part of his act and it's beginning to tell already i don't know we heard the message from cern into mission control yesterday when he had yelled down he said you sent me up here for a quarter of a million miles with some hockey puck who likes rocks no what is that weird well here's an item that was in the paper today i know to make all you housewives very happy um they have found apparently arsenic in chicken livers uh did you read that that's true it was in the paper today that a little too much arsenic you eat chicken livers never you know next time you ordered a chicken to go you just might do that but the news travels fast there's a new place already open called chicken in a casket [Laughter] but it's giving the mafia a great new idea from now on they're going to giblet people to death oh i should probably paraphrase that i don't think there's enough arsenic in to prove fatal right but they have more amounts of arsenic than should be in in the liver of the chicken what else happened today thank you something did you hear the latest jolly green giant was fired they thought he was a little too jolly they caught him out in the valley holding hands with big wally and there's all you know where fontana california is no i do not sir that's huh what i don't fontana yeah that's a that's a city out here they're having us in the paper they're having a haircut price war in fontana and they even offer specials they'll trim two sideburns for free or for a regular charge and then i blew the joke was going to say i've said they're going to charge you to do both but they'll do the third one for free you'll see that was where i was going with that joke but it's too late now no i uh i don't know where fontan is string string trick i'll get them every time should be an interesting show tonight we have a james garner with us we have uh bruce dern we have the mighty carson art players are going to present a a special monster sketch tonight we have a gentleman who's written a book terry gallon who i called tonight which is a history of the tonight show from the days of broadway open house the days of jerry lester through steve allen jack parr up through our residence here rather fascinating book i found out stuff about the show that i didn't know and about me it's interesting book uh spark fact park fiction [Laughter] a little gossip here and there so we're gonna talk with terry about that aren't you interested in things like that behind yes i am i can't wait to get to it behind the scenes in show biz yes i'm a jerk according to this book i'm uh uh no no he didn't say that at all i don't want to get all steamed up before he gets out here am i leaving something out i don't believe so what no you don't mention that don't mention a surprise guest you'll you just mentioned we got a surprise well you didn't have to say it nobody heard him say it i heard him say that how can i get the rest of the country tonight you're going to be a surprise wait a minute look look golden if you didn't say it over there [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] we'll continue in a moment after this word with our surprise guest mothers do a lot of nice things their families never notice hey cramps how long have you been playing checkers all my life that's a long time double chop hey crap the teachers are on purpose maybe yes maybe no mothers do a lot of nice things their families never notice but someone nearly always notices a box of kraft buttermints thanks mom thinks of me as a bookworm but i have another side the inside i'm clad in a great fizz t-shirt and french blue hip briefs i have jockey underwear in almost every style and color i may look like wally cox but inside i'm tyrone power jockey brand fashion underwear what the well undressed man is wearing this year [Music] we are back we're laughing you're starting to go i can feel you the holidays are getting to you i get silly this season um remember last you weren't on the show last night why was it yes it was the night before last the night before last year on the show were you here when we were talking about long johns no i was not well that's that's what i meant that was the night before you weren't here the doc was sitting over here remember we talked about long long john's long underwear well doc was over here that's probably why i wasn't here then all right anyway long john long johns and i said somebody will write us and tell us where that expression do you know i don't know for the long underwear with a trap door all right here's the gentleman don michaelson an md a doctor or a doctor person from canoga park california he says the phrase long john comes from a phrase meaning goodbye much the same as in the dear john letter of world war ii times the phrase along with the underwear was invented in 1830 uh when a discontented wife took needle and thread and sewed the top and bottom of her sleeping husband's pajamas together later that night when he tried to remove them and couldn't he leap from a bed in a rage and ask why the wife answered by saying so long john so long johns are long johns ever since no way i'm gonna buy that no way i'm buying that he says in the interest of accurate long underwear semantics i remain warm and comfortable in cool southern california don michaelson p.s if you believe this i have a great story to tell you about a bridge in the new york area that's been owned by a family for generations it's a great buy and a real money maker i set up today yeah and i was reading this in the office you know i didn't see the ps and i said that sounds about right 1830 you know so long john so long john even those long johns now do you have any idea where the expression came from i have no idea why they call them long johns we still don't know all right we will find out however someone in our vast audience will know well that's what i thought was dr michaelson but he was putting us on here's a letter from a teacher jane klein lincoln elementary school framingham massachusetts um she's i cannot resist having my students write something for you she says i'm sure every other teacher in america will have the same idea and you will come to rue that day but nevertheless here are my fourth graders definitions now fourth grade would be about what eight nine years old something like that of who is johnny carson that's all she asked him and asked him to write an essay and she sent us some of the the responses here does that look like school the old tablet paper this is cheryl johnny carson right johnny carson is a star he's very famous sometimes he's on tv i like watching him because he is funny my sisters don't watch him that's the whole composition you got one in that house that's so i got you i got one my cheryl scissors watch johnny carson by martha very neat yes johnny carson is a bangle player [Laughter] i assume she means bunga players he is famous for the bango and his singing i think that he's okay but he's not fantastic [Laughter] you know that he used to be famous for bengals he was really he's okay but i wouldn't like to be him if i played a bangle for a living i bet i'd never get paid that much in a way i would like to meet him another way i wouldn't do you know and do you know why well he'll start playing and do junk like that i don't know whether i got martha i don't know i got martha or not what's a bengal all right let's say johnny carson there's no name on this or jane i guess right i think he's a football player for the redskins he's a quarterback he's famous for getting a lot of touchdowns he runs fast with the ball and gets a lot of touchdowns i think he's great because i don't think what is that no because i don't think he's great i think he's dumb [Laughter] these kids are ambitious i do great for about the first half of the letter and then these little vicious people turn on me i think he's great i don't want to meet him he's dumb all right all in a paragraph who is johnny carson i don't know who he is [Laughter] is he a great big star did he invent something i want to know about him is he going to visit i don't know i hope so he invented something i hope it's a toy so we can play with it [Laughter] but if he's a famous movie star i hope he can go to the movies with him who is johnny carson i'm getting a word who the hell am i anyway i don't know johnny carson is a very famous actress finally getting to the truth yeah johnny carson j-o-n-n-y once upon a time i met a movie star his name was johnny carson he told me that he was he was from bonanza i told him that he was good i like meeting with i can't read the rest of it from bonanza kids have great minds don't they they just make up things here's one from monica johnny carson i don't know much about him i'll try to do my best already i'm a drag moniker that was a cowboy in the olden days he rode around helping people and doing friendly things like helping them with the cattle the farms horses that's a good man to me right kimo sabe all right frank one he's a great comedian and a movie star two jokes and riddles and great acting three he's a great guy yes because i like to hear some of his jokes in acting frank's going to be an accountant i think he doesn't waste any time johnny carson by beth b johnny carson was born in a little town in the east coast of california here's one from jimmy johnny carson's a bread boy [Laughter] i think he was the first bread boy to sell 100 pounds of bread i don't know if i'd like to be a bread boy he sold so much bread it's like that he sold so much bread that he became famous if i meet him i'd probably try to sell me some bread so i'm not sure i'd like to meet him if you believe that everybody wants bread for me i tell you this is here's martin johnny carson's a singer it's about the fourth one i think i'm a singer he's famous for singing i think he would be fun to meet i would like to get his autograph i would put carbon paper and make lots of them and sell them for two cents each two steps for the first four lines i'm sensational and then he zings me with two cents a piece they're going for a nickel on the open market a singer again this is from carolyn johnny carson plays the guitar that is what he's most known for johnny carson has a television show i think he's sort of queer oh is that great yeah one yeah well you know they're not that euphemistic expression they know yeah i'm odd i suppose but well that's that's what the nine year old the fourth graders are thinking of at lincoln elementary school thank you what town is that that's framingham massachusetts thank you ms klein or mrs klein or ms klein for sending those in kids are great aren't they you couldn't write those there's honestly and it's uninhibited i think of you like the boys a bongo apongo we'll be returning with jimmy garner tonight we have bruce dern and we have the mighty car smart players and terry gallinoy and a surprise guest these long-haired beauties have a miserable problem tangles but this one has a brand new solution the sun beamed tangle-free comb tangle-free comb turns wet tangled mops like this into smooth beautiful hair with less tugging or tearing give your tangle problem sunbeam's new tangle-free comb in the long run it's worth it here's one of the most thoughtful christmas gifts a denture wearer could ever receive the sonak denture cleaning system in just three minutes sonax electronic action removes the stains and deposits other denture cleaners leave behind actually leaves your dentures feeling cleaner and fresher than any other denture cleanser it's only 18.95 yet in just three minutes sonak removes the stains and deposits other cleaners leave behind ask your dentist about sonac gift price now at leading drug discount and department stores [Music] my first guest tonight is uh one of the major stars of our business he's uh probably best known to television audiences for television show maverick and nichols he's been in over 30 motion pictures currently starring with catherine ross and they only kill their masters would you welcome our good friend james garner a long time since i've seen you yeah it's been uh quite a little while i haven't had anything to say just nothing nothing to say i read about you in the paper the other day you were over at the uh one of the hotels receiving some kind of i don't say strange but i've never heard of the particular award oh well it was a hollywood uh women's press club one of the nominees of the star of the year which i kind of thought was a little odd uh marlon brando was nominated burt reynolds was nominated and peter falk won it and deservedly so but when they announced me they said i was nominated for quietly going about the business of making motion pictures that was your nomination yeah i couldn't understand that you know i hadn't had a picture out in a year and a half but that's weird well i figured they nominated me because i didn't do anything bad you don't put anything out they can't that's kind of nice getting a ward for not bothering people yeah you know going on well i've been doing it for years i didn't realize you hadn't made well you've just made this picture what do you mean you have made a picture a year and a half well it was it had only been released a week she couldn't have seen it so uh you know i was busy making a television series uh you like those kind of fun for about 12 minutes yeah are you bitter about the show that uh going on no i'm not bitter john no no really i i loved it i really loved it i liked the show i enjoyed the show i was very proud of it you know we produced it also it was a failure though john will you run for how long we had 24 shows we were on for one year a lot of shows don't get that no no they don't but i had them locked in going in all 24. huh all 24. yeah but no i was proud of you you know there's there's things besides making film you know and succeeding you know i i felt that uh when we did the series that we accomplished something right uh we found some good writers we found some good young directors and we had an awful lot of fun i had the greatest company that ever was put together to make films and that we really enjoyed it so i thought that was as much a success as we needed talking about the the pressings like the publicity thing when you first started in pictures did you have to get involved with a lot of that hoopla and go to you know because press departments if networks has motion pictures at times you want to get your name around and you have to get involved a lot of freaky things that you might not do when you get more successful boy i got some goodies i'd oppose in a bunny suit once you know those pictures you see in the paper around easter and you put in a dumb bunny suit holding an egg it's gonna be a thousand papers though john oh yeah they say a thousand papers and sit there in this dumb bunny suit uh they put me in a thing once i was uh when i was doing maverick uh gosh 13 years ago are you kidding i was uh they sent me back to the i think is the illinois state fair uh warner brothers did and i thought it was just obviously you weren't a big smash there and this was really your first exposure yeah i thought i was there to be like the master of ceremonies of a parade and when i got there they said you know how long is your act and well you know the routine and i said act i said oh i how long do you need [Laughter] that guy said well what is about uh 16 minutes 15 i said well no i said it's more like 12. uh i guess we could stretch it a little i didn't know what he was talking about i don't expect you to go out i found out they had two big bands there steve uh lawrence edie gourmet uh jane russell was on the show jonathan winters was on the show peter donald the storyteller was on the show they had a tremendous you know stage show going and i thought i was going to wave to the crowd so i immediately got hold of peter donald and i said what do i do and he said well let's try to work up an act and in about an hour and a half peter donald pulled me out of it uh he tried to get me to remember all the things that people had asked me over the years you know and the questions and weave them into a routine yeah i did a routine that's painful isn't it about eight minutes that 18 went oh very painful warner brothers got a lot of money out but not you not me we'll be back after this message from armor bacon the good egg fairy what do you have against armored bacon deary it's just so many people eat armored bacon with eggs i try and keep on playing relax enjoy armored bacon with pancakes if you prefer quality bacon armor has the star i got any glue in the world of ham you have to know your way around the fat and gristle but you'll know you've come to the fillet of ham when you see the golden star only the choice part of the ham goes into a golden star that's why it is dependably lean and tender slice after smoky slice golden star ham by armor it's all fillet of ham [Music] we are back we're talking with jim garner and bruce dern is going to be with us and the mighty carson our players are going to do another one of their dramatic sketches and you're pretty choked up about that aren't you i've i've done a couple and terry gallander who's written a book about this very show do you remember broadway open house at all oh yeah he goes uh he starts way back there with jerry lester and broadway open house and takes it all the way through interesting yeah i was saying something on the monologue every time i read something about myself you when you read things you get a little bit uptight something if it doesn't follow exactly what it's supposed to say uh yes i do or do you get uh yeah well the worst thing in the world or maybe i shouldn't say it but uh like this is your life that's a dandy did they do you yeah they did me i missed that years ago years ago uh that's before i'd done anything that's gotta be a strange show this is your life where nobody knows your life you haven't done anything but uh the the idea of what somebody else thinks your life is is really a dandy i mean they had people i i didn't you know i had my old commanding officer telling how uh you know i saved his life oh really i was shot before he was nothing we met in the hospital they made one name no no but sounded sounded good on the show and you didn't deny it on the show did you yes well yes i did yeah did you i mentioned the name of the guy that did save you i couldn't stand there and take credit for something that i didn't do yeah just like i remember they had my my old buddy hocking i i hocked my only overcoat to get him out of jail i stole the overcoat that was the truth well that's honest anyway yeah did they go back to when you were in oklahoma that's where you come from originally right yeah how did they dredge up your childhood and uh i prayed they did john did they yeah couldn't escape that yeah oklahomans have an accent all their own i have a couple of friends and when they want to go into it i don't know how you can say that yeah there it is yeah yeah that's what i'm got no accent hardly taught harley 12. no it's really funny uh i was just down in florida with a friend of mine that uh named bill saxon that i grew up with you know and uh my wife called me on the phone while i was down there and i said hi honey how are you you know she said uh oh he's with bill that's all it takes as soon as we get together the accent comes out hank sims a good friend of ours announcers from oklahoma and every once in a while he'll fall right into that start talking like i can't do it but yeah well well you should you're from but nebraska really and oklahoma don't have well we don't have a lot of regional access i'm beat nebraska this year um i didn't want to rub it in john you sure did did i rub it in a little you want to rub it in you did yeah yeah when you get upset the accident comes out oh yeah come out there did that bother you when you went in pictures did you really have a thick one yeah i did uh now did you have to go to the studios and take the elocution lessons no as a matter of fact well charles lum uh was the first director i ever had in a play called the kane mutiny and he said to take shakespeare and go out and read shakespeare in iambic pantameter over the sound of the waves at the beach i did that folks [Music] and today i don't have a trace of an accident no i really don't i can see you out there i'm not there i could be or not to do it now there's a question for us that's funny you want to do something what light and yonder winter shine it's julian let me tell you he went out there to see what light that was we don't know what it was he's gonna do up there but he never about got caught at it that's right out of that's right out of oklahoma no that's more north carolina that's right that's a steal from andy griffith but you really did go out and yeah i did i stood out there like some dum-dum yelling over the waves you know yeah and uh actually it made me more conscious of my voice and strengthening my voice because you know uh in that part of the country your voice kind of soft and trying to raise everything up at the end and i don't do that anymore oh no i wish i could get right back to it just real quick just hang around a little while huh that's funny should we do this i'm checking with my producer wanna wake up right now okay good night nice going freddie ah hold on hold on gold how would you do this how would you say this if you're in oklahoma now something park coals can be tough on top notice how much worse your child's cold sounds than yours it is worse the breathing passages are smaller the nose clogs up more the chest is more uncomfortable many colds medicines aren't recommended for young children vicks vaporub is it relieves congestion for up to eight hours she breathes better feels better so she can sleep for a child with a cold vicks vaporub means relief you've got a nasty tickling scratching annoying car from a cold and you can't sleep if you're coughing so you say to yourself i will not cough and you try to suppress it yourself but you can't you need a strong cough medicine vicks formula 44 formula 44 can help suppress the cough you can't suppress formula 44 is a cough suppressant as effective as coating but not narcotic formula 44 can help suppress the cough you can't suppress [Music] [Music] so thank you doctor over the years there have been many different trends in movies but the one type of film that has consistently made money and been a success is the horror film tonight the mighty carson art players would like to pay tribute to these great films by presenting a classic scene from one of those films [Applause] [Music] where is that assistant of mine igor igor [Applause] learn to squeeze it igor squeeze it oh tonight's the night all of my work all of my experiments do you know what's under the sheet igor yeah yeah too much eager too much too much joy i have taken i have taken the heart from one corpse and then a little lung from another and the brain from another and the parts from hundreds of bodies igor and do you know what this man has created what what master i have created life igor yes i have built a monster dr fibes has done the absolutely impossible you know they laughed at me in heidelberg and they laughed at me in vienna they all laughed knock it off you're giving me a package my man igor is complaining of a backache he's already got a hump on his back we're gonna show them tonight igor yes the villagers you know they called me a madman but now now revenge is sweet and you've done your work well ignore digging up coffins and putting together dead bodies sorting out human organs doing all kinds of sick things with the large intestines ego well it's a living master igor my monster yes shall destroy this village i mean burbank off yeah you think of it igor no more burbank and now the end is near yes as i face the final curve master you have no sense of right and wrong you have no sense of humanity and worst of all you have no sense of rhythm bad news singer we're releasing the monster now no master of the world isn't ready for this horrible thing you can't do this terrible thing but this is my moment my destiny calls me thank master we're unleashing a monster you know that the time has come now we're going to unleash the monster all right i don't know if the world is ready for this terrible monster hey that played okay more to come on the show but right now stay tuned for this message the holidays are one time when you want things to be perfect hormel makes cure 81 hams only one way dependable you made everything just so so we made cure 81 lean and tender everyone's counting on you to make the day you can count on cure 81 to be flavorful each cure 81 earns its registration number by passing 17 hormel inspections you earn the praise each time you serve it dependable cure 81 hands one nice thing about the dutch masters christmas collection is that each gift is two gifts in one the jar of 25 presidents is also an opelin candy jar or pencil holder the bucket of 50 perfectos is also a planter or knitting basket and the dutch master showcase is also a letter tray or toy box the dutch masters christmas collection america's most wanted fine cigars in reusable packages each one is two gifts in one or maybe [Music] more [Music] we are back would you welcome my good friend mr ed sullivan here uh how how did you feel coming up on that board ed i thought you're gonna fall right on my kids oh that's been awful at the end of his sketch and here he is right down good to see you we were right to be here with you we're going to talk with uh terry gallinoy later who's written a book about the tonight show but i think before the tonight show went on believe it or not almost 20 years ago you'd already been on the air right yeah we've been on now we're in our 24th year 24 years that's an incredible record it really is and you have we've talked about some of your early days you started a lot of people that most people have forgotten who was on your first radio show and who was a big major star now that made his first appearance jack benny made his first appearance on your radio show i was back and when nineteen i have to be lord it's a long haul isn't it do you miss sunday nights not going out sunday nights now i know you're going to do specials but you're going to miss that yeah you do you you know it'd be like you all of a sudden instead of doing your night out every show show every night you didn't have it anymore and you feel you feel lost every time i talk to it i feel like i'm talking to some guy doing you did walk in this afternoon and said clear where are you do i lie down and i went over and i said no ed that's wrong it's where where do i go and he said oh yes that's one of the supreme compliments in our business so when other people do impressions of you as you well know and you have probably been the most i would guess most impersonated performer in our business in the last 20 or 25 years have you done a flute wilson show yet i know you're going to do with with flip yes we've already taped that i understand you taught him how to do introductions uh uh of various acts no actually you know he said that he needed no help yeah and you've got the uh agv award show which was done from las vegas what's the date on that i've got some of the dates here that's january the 23rd uh i think sammy davis was one of the recipients uh liza minnelli i know i believe our own doc severanson won the award for the mail male newcomer did you not compare this last magazine we've got four shows coming up and we're all looking forward to him there's the ag award show as well it's on uh january 23rd tv comedy years on february 20th yeah you're doing 20 years of television comedy right yeah it's magnificent the you know right go back into the files and pick out little just gems of comedy and the flip wilson show the last week of uh january and we're going to do a show on broadway john that you like very much because you'll recall so many of the people who were stars on broadway and shows you saw there that'll be on uh in march so you're keeping busy even though you're not on every sunday night yeah if you had to pick out and i suppose people have asked you this question before it if you had to pick out over the 20 23 years of your sunday night show what stands out in your mind i'm sure that the first time you had nuria or somebody like that all right that's right i i think uh the first great kick or the greatest kick of all was getting the european performers to come on because up that time that hadn't been done and uh it was a great thrill to have them chevaliers and oh you know so many of them you paved the way i don't know i've ever said this publicly or not because in the early years everybody said what does ed sullivan do you know he comes out and he presents a lot of people but you often ask the same wish what yes what am i doing out here ah but you you set you set the standard for a lot of variety shows because you did things in television that were not done because of your newspaper experience and you were basically a good editor and you brought things to a show uh that had not been done before brought the beatles to this country when nobody had ever heard of the beatles and they showed up there never seems like that i think ever on broadway the the uh the crowd that is assembled outside the theater and outside their hotel that that that always remains a highlight how about naming the theater after you they named it they named the theater after you in new york city right that had to be a yeah kind of a highlight they didn't call it solomon they called it solidarity of sullivan theater ah let me do this a little commercial there and we will come back do you still keep a hand in your column actively in new york oh yeah well i only do two a week right all right we'll do this we'll be right back afterward from one of our sponsors and we have a few here's how presto's jumbo fry pan stacks up against pots and pans take a pan for a roast a pan for potatoes another for carrots and another for green beans and when you're finished wash them all but presto's jumbo frypan cooks meat and potatoes and carrots and green beans for up to eight people it holds a whole dinner and you clean a pan instead of a pile try it for size the presto jumbo fry intimate pan revlon diamond facet spray mist how'd you know an intimate teddy bear he looks just like you perfumed bath powder a basket of intimate did he give me intimate because i like it or because he likes it give her something intimate it's really a man's fragrance intimate by revlon beautiful [Music] cars for the tonight show guests are provided by hertz at hertz you rent the cars you like to [Music] drive we're sitting here reminiscing with ed sullivan it just asked me when i did my first television show i think the first network show i ever did was uh 1950 on the old uh nbc all-star review and the colgate comedy are although i did local television back in new york people kid you and about sometimes introducing the wrong person or uh did you ever keep a reel of those i'll bet bob prec somewhere bob has one he's got [Laughter] what is the one because you've quoted them in your book you know um who was you introduced one night uh you don't mind if i kid you about this no of course i remember one night you had somebody on and it was a singer just some years ago and you said let's hear it for and the name like we all do the name just escaped you for a second let's really hear it for one of america's really great singers want to come on out here honey i swear you did i swear you did i know and i went right off the couch right off of the couch come on out here honey are there any others that you would care to mention that you remember that uh no you know it is there anything you in your life you've had such a a busy life as a sports columnist and broadway columnist and television is there anything that you would like to have done that you have not done with your life or anybody that you wanted to meet you haven't you've met probably most of the important person it is in the entire world you know we've met various popes and israel we're in israel and i'm at the great ones in israel uh it'd be very difficult to try to figure out somebody but you hadn't met we don't know well it's the same with you almost yeah in 10 years somebody asked me and it's amazing the number of people that you've met and uh had a chance to talk with them and meet them uh professionally and both socially too look i thank you very much for coming tonight and we'll be looking forward to your the agba show and the flip wilson thing and the the show is the 23rd and uh the 20 years of television that should be fun it must have been great going back and digging up all those moments it really was well bob did most of the work on that and uh but you know you keep you're always you're always very generous toward me but uh you know you've been on so long you've done such a tremendous job and they've been you know so many shows have gone off the air since on that's true so i'm going to suggest the audience give a really big hand for johnny carson [Applause] [Music] still sounds a little like will jordan doesn't he he says let's hear it with a really big hand it's a nice man yeah we will what no more commercials for this segment how about that today we run out of commercials there'll be nobody sitting behind this desk i want to bring out the gentleman who was in our in our sketch he's a he's a fine actor and i think just recently is getting a lot of recognition that he deserves um movie that he and jack nicholson starred in called the king of marvin gardens opens nationally on tuesday would you welcome please bruce dern bruce well you now are baptized in the mighty carson art players jim has done sketches with us remember the naval sketch we did once on the beauty on the body sketch yeah when milton next uh that's probably true it is true next to this sketch bruce what's the worst movie you've ever been uh i mean we know that oh no i didn't know everybody's got every actor has got one that they go oh boy i can't think of one i could take a four or five i did the worst one i was ever in was probably the incredible two-headed transplant now did you make that up or was that a picture oh that was a picture the incredible two-headed transparent two-headed man what uh lived in your local nice neighborhood just your average next-door neighbor what year was that i didn't catch that about three years ago and it uh was here just that quick betty huh yeah right uh just beyond hanson damn they have a theater they showed it there a nightmare for those of you who know or handsome damages i don't know whether you saw the show the other night but i was talking with george carlin about the name bruce uh no no no serious this is very honest and we had a couple one letter i think came to nbc one letter some lady some lady complaining that every time we and we don't we do it very seldom you would do a character that was a little bit um go ahead no no i don't i want to say this delicate let's say that we always use the name bruce and she was very upset about that and thought it was uh was wrong now i mean the jokes like and i turned to my wife and said bruce well is that what you mean no not that kind of a joke [Music] that's that's not too subtle bruce uh how how do you feel about that you've never had any problem with it no i i never have any problems as a matter of fact when i first uh you know when my name first started to appear in things and everything i was never aware that that was even a joke until i went and saw some comedian one night was doing a routine down in riverside a guy i used to know named hollis morrison and it was a a joke that he used in his routine and uh i was a little stunned by it and i called gramps on the phone whose name is also bruce and his 90. and i said uh you know why did they lay this particular handle on me for have you ever had any strange connotations your name and uh he said as to the fact that he had not and uh was very upset that people were abusing the name bruce yes well and uh we won't abuse it anymore right i don't mind it i think it's your grandfather you say with 90. yeah he's 92 now i have a grandfather you come does most of your family uh live to be that midwest yeah yeah no he's a he's the longest one he's the first one over 85 to make it 92 that's great that makes you feel good though doesn't it he goes to work each day rides he lives in glencoe illinois and he goes down to work in chicago hey that's it clap it up north shore your family background is different from a lot of actors because i understand you come from a fairly well-to-do background and many actors i guess a great majority of performers come from backgrounds that are are not particularly muddied what was insanely to be an actor and did your parents uh well communication was a big incentive because we had very little at home and uh you know hey hey man let me tell you when i was i used to push my food on my plate with my fingers so mom made me wear white gloves when we had beets so when i pushed you're putting me on no and then i had to wash them afterwards that's how mom thought you know you got son to eat correctly let's put the white gloves that's it and then we had to wash them afterwards spotless huh can i ask you why why you push the beets onto your fingers no i i push the beets onto my fork with your fingers well that's better i thought you pushed the beats onto the fingers it's much easier to i was trying to figure out how you held them there how did you get the beat on there we'll take a break we'll be right back i thought it was on the mashed potatoes [Applause] [Music] in my day christmas tree lights burnt so hot you couldn't touch them then ge brought you cool lights like lighted ice merry midgets cool brights candle brights heavenly angels they all burns to cool you can touch them cool lights won't melt plastic trees they keep their cool on real trees too nope they're not making christmas lights like they used to ge's making them better now what do i say tell them that they want to be sure to get those once in a lifetime pictures get ge magic cubes get ge magic cubes right because ge gives a flashback guarantee yeah a flashback guarantee so if any of us fail to flash send us to ge and get a replacement cube free free ride how'd i do guys great flash terrific you ought to be in pictures get the flash cubes with a ge guarantee [Music] we're back we're talking with bruce dern and jim garner and terry gallinoy the author of a book called tonight will join us in a little while uh most performers um or actors who want to get into the business look for recognition you know that's the idea of getting out and becoming known and then after they achieve a certain amount of success you kind of pay the piper along the way someplace and a lot of men resent the fact that people intrude on him does that put a strain on you now that you've become more known well i i'm as guilty of it as anybody you know you work and say boy i want to i want to get a show and so and as soon as you get it sometimes you say oh yeah i wish they uh wouldn't ask that and uh i i i always like the notoriety i i find that the greatest judge of uh you know how you react in public is is what you do at athletic events and i'm a sports nut yeah and i still go equally berserk when the rams throw it all away like they did last week and i go nuts that reminded me of the old mets baseball team in new york for a while everything i think well now that i'm you know kind of established can i go to the game and root like i always have or are they going to think hey come on sit down you know you got it let us cheer you know quit making noise loud mouth big star he's got a mouth off you know but i i don't think it's sporting events people feel that way they get so wrapped up in the thing that they really don't bug you too much there i did that last week i was down in saint petersburg florida about part of a hockey team in saint petersburg florida good investment jim a hockey team in st petersburg yeah here comes the puck [Applause] now look don't didn't it go by harry no don't write me letters in saint petersburg well i don't see what do you call them the uh geritol raiders or what they're the secretary team in saint petersburg the one coast sun sea coast sun they're a very good hockey team but i got out there and made a complete fool of myself yelling for him just like you said you know i went berserk i got all over the other team i thought they're going to climb up don't write letters about doing jokes about saint petersburg really but yeah don't pick on st joke about it because uh they got a good hockey team you want a hockey puck what no i'm not really white is the name hockey you know it's a funny sounding word it's a funny song hockey puck is a funny song it's like chicken fat you know what i mean there are certain words that are funny i'd like some chicken fat i've always wondered how when rickles he's the first one i remember ever you know like he uses hockey books but he calls people hockey pucks yeah there's no rhyme or reason with don zach there doesn't have to be just blow up a cookie and sit on your balloon [Laughter] and people say what does that mean it doesn't mean anything i gave my daughter a hockey puck as a gift the other day she must have been thrilled oh she was hot i got this for you she was the biggest thing in school because she took it to school look what my dad gave me everybody yeah they give him your moves on yeah but we all have our little peccadillos and little foibles there man wants to put beets on his fingers he's entitled i need spaghetti you know he's a no he's a long distance runner i know he is i right every time i go on san vicini there's bruce going 24 miles you used to run every day 24 hours just short now i'd go five ten miles that's it getting old they say that's not good for um you have to work up to that though right right because you're about what late thirties six right and most people actually get 35 should not go out and start doing long distance running because they can also fall over and hurt their heart well you do remember when the jogging zen craze came up every clown in the country says i'm going out and jog and guys were dropping like flies because they hadn't done it well you know as long as you do it with moderation you know like anything if you start out there's not a soul in this audience or you or anybody else who couldn't go out and start and just do an easy mile a day every day first day yeah easy easy john just start out walking and then break into a little jog that's all you have to do well my uh how long how fast can you run a mile in can i run a mile yeah now probably oh four minutes and 40 seconds somewhere around well that's a very fast smile yeah for but i i do it every day i guarantee you if we went out to a track tomorrow and i saw your thing with toomey a few years ago yeah we did a thing out here at mount sacramento almost died almost died that day but you were jumping and throwing and hurtling all in one day i was absolute wreck for the next two weeks well so was he but he didn't tell anybody [Laughter] so you could work so you could work me up what no you could go out tomorrow on any little track uh you know four laps to the mile around here and you could run 12 minutes tomorrow for a mile for 12 minutes i could walk it almost couldn't you walking pretty quick john well you could walk a mile in 12 minutes really apparently who's after him or who you're walking with what do you think i could get down to if i read down to about uh six thirty for a mile you're still a fairly brilliant couple of months but you have to do it every day that's 10 miles an hour well it's it's a pretty good trot it's not full full out but it's a good but it's fun i mean i see these guys like jack nicholson and i when we did this movie the king of marvin gardens we were in the middle of winter in atlantic city and i ran every day and he loves to play tennis right and uh neither one of us are superstars at the thing that we love to do so i got him running he got me you know trying to maneuver around a little tennis well he's maniac man i mean you hit a ball to him and he's got to go into the net port and go back climb walls and everything you know and he's not a good player but he gets the ball so now it's my turn to take him out and run him that's right run him to death i gotta run him into the ground he's like he's psyching out on the tennis right you know that absolutely that's funny let me take a break and then we will have terry gallinoy join us after this word from budweiser the king of beers [Music] you say you care enough to only want the is [Music] my next guest is mr terry gallinoy who is a writer producer of television specials and many books magazine articles um creative over 100 new award-winning television commercials and he's written a book called tonight which is about and on the picture are the picture of jerry lester steve allen jack parr and myself when we were all about 12 years old and it's an interesting book and as i say i found out a lot of things about myself i didn't know would you welcome terry gallinoy [Music] okay let's take a look at this book i enjoyed the book first of all i really did it was an interesting book and it's as you say an anecdotal history of the tonight what transgender doing a book on the tonight show i know you're with us before and you did a book called down the tube down the tube that's exactly what turned me on to doing it because i realized the importance of getting on this show the publishers and the promotion people and the newspaper people the magazine people talking about the importance of coming on the show to promote a book made me realize that the show actually was creating our national morals mores manners habits and as you know that's been true for at least the ten years you've been on and i really didn't know the show was that powerful i kept reading i said mike we do all that the show the show on a good night as you know plays to 12 million or more people that's what they tell me as a matter of fact on the night uh tiny tim was the tiny tim marriage well one out of two uh sets in the country were tuned into the show that's absolutely right and uh did you see that as a matter of fact on a competing show if i may mention it merv griffin's show uh the entire crew was backstage watching this show watching the tiny watching the tiny tim wedding now we got a little bit of flack from some of the critics uh for doing that on television uh presenting that wedding on television and which i didn't quite understand because i'm sure that if ed sullivan could have lined it up first uh he would have he would have had him married on the show and people forget that there was a show on for years on television called bride and groom of course which people came on and were married every day you know and screaming for a set of samsonite luggage did you do you think uh and i get the impression from the book and i'm not trying to put you on the corner tonight but instead of that hokey comedy sketch we did with bruce you would have rather seen that maybe a baccantata or something over there tonight uh is that a fair uh i don't i don't think the book really goes there uh i investigated the intellectual shows and i investigated the peggy peggy patty cathy joey jackie type of comics type of singers type shows and came out someplace in the middle with because i feel that the nuclear scientists and the comics we've seen too often empty about the same amount of rooms or turn off that many lights and bedrooms in the home yeah now shows like this i've never really particularly gone along as far as this show is concerned as a talk show per se i guess maybe as the ego i think more more of a comedy show or comedy oriented uh or entertainment a talk show to me per se in its truest form would be like bill buckley william f buckley or david susskind and says this is really more of a potpourri of a little bit of everything it's probably a bad phrase actually the phrase should probably be a no script show and if you get into no script shows that's where you go back all the way to jerry lester the idea of putting people on just to talk at each other had never occurred to any other medium than television radio of course had scripts and uh american legion halls and uh vaudeville shows and even carnivals always had a pre-structured show of some kind only television has this original art form called the talk show and i think under the general category of talk show this this falls and this is also the leader the granddaddy uh under the pat weaver idea that a talk show of having people on a show to investigate each other's minds to take the camera into the head that goes to the moon or into brain surgery or into your wonderful dr ehrlich's population bob and the marvelous things that have been on the show the exposure of bright ideas through the years it qualifies just very much as a talk show maybe a better phrase would be an idea show but i don't qualify it as a comedy show one of the critiques that we get occasionally is that a show like this doesn't do and you mentioned in the latter part of your book some suggestions on a talk show that does it's it's time the television grew up and fulfilled some of its responsibilities uh what do you think television's responsibility is as far as a show like this a lot of people say it should be to educate to inform i think you said to make better citizens uh how do you do that i ran quite a gamut in my suggestions there all the way from running a national lottery to help ease the tax problems on every individual uh to uh such uh simple survival things as oh how to get a cab on a rainy day or how to get a table in a crowded restaurant or how to cut your income tax how to get along better with the neighbors how to get your children better education people this type i know that when you've had these people on the people who deal in simple everyday survival and services you get good mail on that good reaction uh and that uh there is a response of a type so it's sort of a sesame street for adults yeah i i personally i i don't believe and i may be wrong i don't think the prime idea behind television or his prime responsibility is to educate uh or to make better decisions particularly because i don't think there's any substitute for a situation in the classroom for you know they've even found a sesame street for all of its publicity is not really turning out to be the educational show that they thought it might be because i don't think a child sitting at home watching something vicariously really learns because he can turn away the only time i found that it's it can be a great aid to education but people say shows like the tonight show should educate and and make better citizens or enrich the human condition and i'm not sure that that is my particular particular background i'm more interested in the education what you just said how do you get a table in a crowded restaurant you go hey charlie you put your hand out like this that's the way you get a table but conversely it's a public medium right the airwaves uh do belong to the public under general that's another subject anyway that's very interesting why do the airwaves belong to the public uh on a show on it oh on a show of this type there would seem to be some duty uh to transmit some information some education i'm not talking about the dr edward teller explanation of atomic energy uh type of explanation because uh that does turn off television sets of the resounding thought all across the nation uh but the actual everyday where to buy a good 10 cent hamburger today type of talker right i think it's more interesting than the jury jerry joey jackie type comics who are back with the las vegas routine that they had a month ago you keep using that phrase in your book now how about the george carlin's the steve martin's the david brenner's that we've put on i mean you you keep using that races on the marks and stuff like that yeah steve landsberg and those kind of people who have come up uh this particular show has been a leader in developing we would love to find exposing newcomers i know last year when i was on uh there was a girl who was uh fairly well-known at that time uh but not the star she is today named ben mittler ben midler is going to be a big star uh this and this was one of her showcases and this this has been a marvelous showcase for many people who came on bill cosby and the top names who yeah people who came on and and weren't known uh when they appeared and by the time they left this platform were national names let me take a break here and sell something this is another format we have and now an electrifying message one of the most charged up sponsors when you buy a battery here's the one to get the go lifetime battery from exide and willard products of esp just look at this remarkable guarantee if the go lifetime battery ever fails to hold a charge while you own the non-commercial passenger car in which it was first installed this battery will be replaced free at any exide or willard dealer provided you present the registration card when you apply for the replacement that's power guaranteed power you just watch and you'll see what i mean gentlemen start your engines these are the go cars each has a gold lifetime battery a battery guaranteed to its owner for the life of his car if it ever fails to hold a charge he gets a new one free make your car a go car with a gold lifetime battery power enough for the life of your car guaranteed by exide and willard [Music] what yeah i've talked to terry gallinoy about his book the tonight show and i've marked a couple of things here no can i ask you something personally now because when people write about me as i say i get a little uptight or something now you had something here about when my brother dick came into my office one afternoon to quit and uh dick had done the show from since the inception and you say dick directed the show from the very beginning now he decided you want to go back to california to direct the new don rickleshaw and then quote said his brother that's me looking down at the jokes in his monologue for that night listen do you think we can get bobby quinn to do it quinn had been associate director and johnny carson's liked his way of handling the cameras in the show and with that much of a goodbye from his brother dick carson left you see now when i read something like that i really get steamed to tell you the truth because it's just not true and it makes me sound sometimes writers almost have a penchant for taking performers and want to make them mysterio so that they are aloof like they are cold like they have no emotion or affection at all and that's not the way that happened at all i don't know if you talked to my brother about it but we talked about him leaving for six weeks he wanted to come back to california he had an opportunity to do the show but it makes me look like a an idiot you know like oh well you're leaving okay goodbye see you later uh this is the information given me uh from not by my brother not from your brother but from someone who was a member of the production staff at the time uh who said uh as i heard the story and as you know uh yeah and as you know when i was researching this book uh researching uh thousands of programs and hundreds of personalities involved here uh i talked to those who were involved i searched the press files uh tried to find truth where it where it existed and as it lay uh within the limits of the tremendous job of putting together 20 years of personalities involved but you don't that i would be actual people you mean oh i talked to many of you know but i mean in that situation you didn't talk to either one but i talked to to a man who heard the story from the brotherhood at the moment he walked out of the room and said he came out and said third birth the following third verse third-person journalism is accepted american system it may be accepted but is it right can i ask you another question i'm the victim of it too that's why i get a little steamed also yeah i mean i've had articles written about me and things written about me that have no basis in fact what whatsoever you know what uh i'm not involved in your story mr garner so i don't know i don't know but uh well just we got to the question that's all is it really honest to do that yeah uh do take third person and well if there was no well there was anything dishonest in my book doubled they wouldn't have published it and i'm sure there would be lawsuits filed what i've done ah now you really got it okay now your turn can i ask you a question since you were in the public guy how much do you make a week uh right now nothing because publishers pay twice a year in may and october well what was yours what was your income when you were uh creative advertising director at the agency uh seventy thousand dollars a year seventy 000 does that bother you if somebody asks you that no it doesn't at all you really don't care somebody asked you how much insurance you have or how much you make why is that a secret that's why why should why should you have the right to tell people now you quote in here uh my my salary on the tonight show now i'm not going to give the figures but i'm going to ask you something i'm going to write you're on a card what i get a week for this show i don't want you to vote it all right then i want you to tell me if it's anywhere near close to what you have printed in your book that i get for this show because the new york times once came out as you said in your book reported that i was getting 75 000 a week they didn't they reported i was getting 85 000 a week incidentally and i got a retraction from them back to 75 000. all right now that's what i get you can check this with mr freddie the court over there and would you be willing to admit that this is a far cry from what you printed in your book is that net or gross growth that's gross that's gross all right and does that include your ownership of the production company i don't have any ownership in the production company no was it did you say that's a fire piece uh yes because it because it's less than you were making in 1967. readers when readers digest and the chicago tribune and the new york times and look magazine reported that you were making ten thousand a week more than that at that time but i'm just saying i always wanted the businesses of people it writers always write this like performers are stealing the money jack o'brien remember the jack o'brien who is now writing for the uh secaucus daily or something always used always used to say that performers have taken their loot uh that was his favorite word he said johnny carson took his las vegas loot and if you look up the word loot it means ill-gotten gains by plunk by plunder and i've often wondered why do why do people resent that performers seem to make obviously they make more money than the average man on the street so does jim garner and so does it bruce dern but a lot of reporters and journalists seem to resent that fact and print it like they don't deserve it or they inherit it or something sometimes it's not i will admit the salaries are obscene to go to las vegas what they pay right you know but then again i didn't set it and i'm just wondering why that's always such a fascination uh to print what people make sometimes people get very irritated even at uh at actors for example when they go to the unemployment line to collect their 65 or 75 dollars whatever it is that they're entitled to and people look at you and say what are you doing in here man get out of here you don't work on the tuna boats you're not picking tomatoes well you don't deserve 65 a week and they get upset i'm just i'm just questioning victory okay now you talk about when you're getting made up for the show when you're on the show once before it says you walk the door you notice a smaller room with one sherman and a makeup man solicitly and patiently working on the occupant it's johnny carson with a tissue tile around his neck and a glass of clear liquid in parentheses vodka question mark question what's that supposed to mean not your question well what is that supposed to mean and a glass of clear liquid why not water why not grape juice because because of interviews with four people who are on the show i.e in production capacities uh who said that uh john had a glass of vodka underneath the desk here have i ever had a glass of vodka on this desk in 10 years that you know never never never right but it's with a question well of course it's with a question mark but what's the inference no there's no indication there is there's no implication there's no implica would you say there's an implication there i'm sorry don't have any uh well anyway i just want to point out some of those things that irritated me a little bit because it gives people the idea that you are doing those things or you're making an inflated sum of money or that i told my brother to go fly a kite or something that's really not that's really not fair that's all i'm saying okay okay one phrase okay one rebuttal sure thanks for finally talking to me about the book oh delighted to it's the most interesting book it is we'll be right back we'll probably sell a lot of copies for [Applause] howard you with bulldozer why fruit of the loom cullen underwear ball uh team around howard these colors really cheer them up incredible fashion colors miners gold political plum dusty rose and lime green fantastic performer with an extra strong waistband and for as little as 99 cents each wear the same underwear in the safety of your own home root of the loom we keep making it better not expensive no no the question is to send flowers to a woman for no reason at all of course if there is a reason it's beautiful for her birthday or anniversary but when there is no reason at all then it's done out of a of a need to open up and say all right i've seen this ftd forget me not bouquet and i want you to have it and the fact that there is no reason at all is the most beautiful reason of all i think florist trans world delivery just to show you what a keen guy and the book is called tonight by terry gallinoy and i thank you for being with us tonight i'm a prince [Music] jimmy uh jimmy's picture they only kill their masters opens uh tuesday or is opening been opening for a couple of weeks uh so go see it quick uh thank you bruce thank you james tomorrow night sandy duncan mickey rooney melanie and author martin forest good night [Applause] [Music] this program was pre-recorded [Music] you

Channel: Moe Stoogetv

Views: 24,831

Rating: 4.8039217 out of 5

Keywords:

Id: EgQAft6RdmM

Length: 80min 10sec (4810 seconds)

Published: Thu Mar 18 2021