The Tonight Show (September 26, 1974)

the following program is brought to you in living color on nbc from hollywood the tonight show starring johnny carter this epic man along with doc severson in the nbc orchestra inviting you to join johnny and his guests burt reynolds tom deluise art carney and the ace trucking company and now is [Applause] johnny [Music] [Applause] oh [Music] [Applause] thank you now i'll tell you what let's let's let's really hear it when johnny comes out happy yom kippur to youtube i can't hear anything in here is there something wrong can you hear me out there fine i can't hear anything here at all or something hit your head on the side like this what that was nice applause but i have the feeling as far as you're concerned i'm just a sex object i want you to know i have a mind too remember those girls in your eyes yes yes interested in my body that's right [Laughter] tell you what at this point after this monologue is over do you mind if we just smoke a cigarette and stare at the ceiling yours are ours i'm getting this already smart outfit you like this these pants are made out of the height of an unborn jazz tenor man these aren't like the audience we had last night we had a weird oh yeah strange audience here last night um pretty weird um i'll tell you how weird they were darren mcgavin is still stalking two of them well it is uh this is uh the jewish holidays uh yom kippur today and uh day of atonement and now you all have to atone for your sins by sitting through the monologue yes sir today was a big day for tommy tommy newsome mr excitement he made a made a big decision today decided he wants to be a policeman when he grows up and i just heard the news today well let's go to the news to see if the cia overthrew my monologue uh that's just just a blend that's not particularly a humorous line about glenn that's right that's right well you see the problem is the news has not been too exciting lately there's nothing really to get a hold of you you know it's a slow news day when you pick up the paper and it says ford cooks breakfast breaks two yolks very slow news day but there is there is good some good news i'll get out i'll get out of this you've seen me get these positions before and by by the time the monologue is over i am a hero right first the good news is is the president ford is considering an income tax cut for people in lower tax brackets that's that's the good news now the bad news is he still hasn't figured out how they can get an income did you uh did you happen to read that the president is getting contact lenses it's true what's in the paper you know he wears regular spectacles he's going to wear contact lenses i understand the reason that because after the furor over the pardon he wants to see what he's signing it but inflation still seems to be it doesn't bother me inflation's the number one problem in the country wouldn't you say that i would say so yes you know the way the dollar is shrinking you think the government was using preparation h but i want to tell you but prices are really going up have you seen the new 75 cars around have you seen the prices on the new 1975 cars you have to use regular gas and supreme money to buy one of those cars you'll get out of this i'll get out of it nelson rockefeller just completed uh what if what are you laughing at the carter you don't need a blend for every joke you just go out and do them i hate guys to try to blend every joke and say you know i was speaking you know supreme gas and say speaking of cars nelson rocket you don't have to do that just finish one and go right to the other you die much quicker that way you don't stretch it out what was i talking about rocco of course just finished three days of testimony to see if they're going to confirm him for vice president and he's really trying to show his concern for the poor people today he made a tour of ghetto country clubs but did you notice how much football there is on television okay you see you see how that better see how that dovetails from a rockefeller right into the football season country clubs and other sport is football football yes um but that's all there is until we have national football league on what sunday well college football was saturday then you got national football league on monday i think on tuesday your world football league thursday is on wednesday or thursday nights this is causing this puts a strain on a lot of marriages did you know that for women right the lady says yes you know you're in trouble when your husband turns to you and says hello howard about the only way some wives can get their husband and attention in bed is anymore to say okay harry 2468 hike [Applause] right what else happened today you drink a lot of coffee at all no they keep coming up with some very interesting statistics on coffee and they in a paper today a couple of scientists said a lot of people who have neurotic disturbances may be nothing more than coffee and too much caffeine drinking and you can actually go a little bit bananas from drinking too much coffee that's why i've avoided it no they caught one guy running through beverly hills today with uh maxwell ground coffee grinds in his hair yelling i want to have danny thomas's baby you see it can really would you mind starting that one all over again no it's not all right so weird enough jokes it is going back we've got a we got a good show tonight and uh later on the show uh walter mondale is going to appear here uh just in case he ever becomes president you want to know what he looks like [Laughter] walter mondale but we got him you have a closing joke what do you have a closing joke that that was it oh that that was the closing joke um who do we have on did you tell them what we have on bird reynolds super stud is here tonight dom deluise is here tonight we have uh good friend of ours a great great talent mr art carney is with us this evening and the ace trucking company [Music] [Applause] we'll be right back [Music] so [Music] so [Music] [Applause] we are back yeah a couple of social notes we should mention we've talked about it before but coming up next tuesday night we uh are having an anniversary show on the tonight show this is special yeah we're going to do a two-hour show mainly um of highlights or low lights however you happen to look at them of the past 12 years crazy things one of the things is from the dog follies we uh we found the tape we have not played for a couple of seasons of ed ames and his famous tomahawk throwing and uh when you played shirley temple and uh shirley temple no no words yes we did that and rickles and a lotta absolutely crazy things with animals for two hours so that's tuesday night and i hope we can squeeze in the one that you showed the other day with the derby a half full of a hat full of rounds that's full of rocks well we made it thank you i'd like to see that again you have to see the picture otherwise it means absolutely nothing at all are you playing are you playing this golf thing that bobby's playing in our director bobby clinton it's it's saturday and sunday tennis well both tennis and golf i don't know well you're not issues and i didn't even know it you're an official yes yeah the cedar new cedar cedar sinai medical center is having a celebrity guest tennis and golf tournament which one are you in i'm in tennis bobby's playing in golf yeah i'm in the tennis you don't play tennis no but i'm going to be there with my little tennis duds on my little shoes and i'll be around oh i'd love to see that oh i'd love i wouldn't miss that but you're going to be people says bills cosby james conker douglas raquel welch wow and elky summer and paul newman that's not bad and rickles is going to play golf clint eastwood dean martin telly savalas and representing the tonight show our own director mr robert quinn right anyway that takes place on saturday and sunday at the new cedar science medical center the tennis and the golf is at the valencia golf course on sunday and what else do we have here these are social notes everything cleared up it's like a local radio station now here's the farm report doc severance in the now generation brass will it be appearing wherever you want them to no actually they'll be in today's and today's children right but you're getting older they gotta quit calling them children uh will be appearing this friday september 27th that's tomorrow night no it isn't either tomorrow it is tomorrow night yesterday today is thursday that's right it's always on your schedule thursday september 26th thank you [Music] thank you melon face anyway they're going to be appearing in with all those children and the brass at the university of kentucky in lexington kentucky and saturday the next day right of course that'd be the next day september the 28th at the university of missouri in columbia missouri what is schedule well while you're out ed will be selling hey uh i'm gonna be at six flags over georgia and atlanta on sunday two shows four and seven you're gonna be playing six flags over georgia you've heard about those movies and parks all around the country there's one in atlanta i'm going to be appearing there stocks played them i think four and seven on sunday two shows atlanta great city what are you doing uh over the weekend i'm gonna bowl three holes and tell each of alice's head and go bowling what do you mean what am i gonna do i don't know what i'm gonna do but all right let's see oh remember last week we had miss america i remember that lovely girls this week what wasn't that this week yeah yes it was this week look when you're having a good time it all blends it's the slept it's like one big show it's one big 12-year show we have never left but i have a cot in the back room here i've never left this building in 12 years uh but she was here she was a nice young lady her name was shirley catherine and um an important part what are you laughing at you just wacko that's all and an important part of my favorite part of the contest is not not the talent it's not even the swimsuit competition it is when bert park asks them those penetrating questions yes uh you know where he catches them off guard to see if they can appear in front of the public and think on their feet questions like and birdoid says you have no sign does it here is your question miss alabama if you could be someone in history who would it be and he runs out because he doesn't want to have any part of that he doesn't want to be connected with that answer whatsoever or what career do you plan to pursue miss wisconsin or who has been the most influential person in your life in your life and then he sneaks off who's your favorite astronaut things like that um who's your favorite astronaut that's what they would say well as long as there's peace in the world that nobody we could have love and help that is my goal thank you bonnie lou dickey now those are not exactly well they're always that uh you know this girl this year kitty and litter bonnie good name i hope you win some here from wyoming kitty and litter now the season now these are not exactly the most provocative or revealing questions they could be more penetrating we have set our staff set together and thought of some more questions that we're going to send bert that we think would be a little more it would really give you the way the girl really feels right you know miss wisconsin what is your favorite truck stop [Laughter] or between miss colorado and miss florida which one stuffed the most kleenex in her bathing suit that makes the girl think now you're now you're miss uh let's say georgia when was the first time you were pushed up against anything see now that makes you and you know miss congeniality always comes out you say which judge was she most congenial to well hear anything we're talking about names miss americans always have names like billy sue betty jane and beckyann do you think there'll ever be one named zelda shirley well that's got to make that child think here's one i like miss nebraska have you ever registered into a hospital under another name and why which is the higher number your iq or your bra size all right miss mississippi why was your only previous beauty title miss holiday inn what would you do becky ann gilman if you walked in on your brother dancing teach you cheek with a guy named al and the last one who was the most influential person in your life and did you ever walk in on them in the bathroom it just is an added you know that really you've got to stop and think on questions like that i don't know we'll send those to bert um we have bert reynolds speaking in the birth we have burt reynolds tonight don dillaways aren't kearney in the east trucking company with a very funny sketch and uh it is leaving for seven flags under georgia and i will pause for this message from ozit watch [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] um [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] so [Music] so [Music] so i've always been a big fan of dom delusions he's a genuinely a funny fellow not only funny is a good actor too he's just finished a very successful tour in the play love and it's good to have him back here would you welcome dom deluise [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] you thought i was burt reynolds right i thought you were gonna go right into a magic act or something oh no i have a terrific thing to show you later something really magical it's not magic it's it's incredible you know what i mean okay uh uh because i remember a magician for that i used to go as a kid and watch the cardini was his name richard pitchford it was his real name but he worked on the name of cardenas cardini he's better yeah he opened up with uh the cigarettes and the smokies and i thought you're gonna do i usually i uh my when i do dominic the great i make a little smoke then i make a little fire then i burn myself you know but i didn't know i was broken this is just a talk show hello you guys are funny you really are funny together you know he teases you unmercifully when you were out there standing on your star you know dying [Music] yeah and your joy is so full when he dies you know hey you're on your own he's off camera america's looking at you and he's going there are people like that who just like us the other time so how you been what have you been out on the road i've been on the road gee it's hard to work on the road i mean i missed my bed among other things you know how long we had i was out for about two months doing a show doing uh like every single night every single night i would do a show then in the afternoon i did what i wanted [Laughter] and you say we're silly tonight what about you a little silly a little bit of a shingle there when you come home and you don't have any work to do right it's just as hard just being home with the kids you know fix this dad look at this dad oh where's i have a new dog you know i lost my dog in chicago yeah you mentioned and i forgot what it's like my dog was trained you know she had to go my old dog nancy that i lost she said she would say i have to go now and she would go wherever she would be she would go to detroit she would mail it you wouldn't hear about it you know what do you mean your dog was trying to leave the house leave the house and leave a little surprise in the ivy you know what i mean she would she would she was good about it this little puppy i have a little puppy who goes oh look here's a bull wait a minute hold it just a moment you're going with the kleenex and he goes and he goes ah i'm saying wait a minute hold it it's little it's little thing i'm exhausted from chasing this little puppy around you know why don't you train the dog i'm trying to train you don't speak english it's so hard have you seen that little business they do it's like pavlov's theory really but it's a small little it's been very little like a loose chain that really rattles and when the dog does something you you throw it throw the chain not at the dog no no you don't hit the dog with a tree it makes a noise like on the floor but then you see then he's going to have uh tight uh he's got every time he has to even if he has gas you'll get yes if i could just teach him to throw it would be made yeah you know what i mean what kind of a dog beast you have i don't know it's and it's it's a little you don't know it's a cockapoo oh it's not a hold it down not a pedigree it's no it's not a pedigree no because i find that uh the cockapoo breed really is good with children and my children really like they respond very well david is very little you have to protect the dog from the children because he picks him up and however he gets them and he and then and the head's down there and he's holding him up like this the door and he's saying see see you know how old is this child here that does not know the end the child the child is 17 we're worried about it i guess it's trying to determine which end of the dog barks well that's that's a problem but it's it's cute it's cute to have a little puppy in the house it is it's nice and at night well you didn't travel with a dog you don't go to the bathroom without a flashlight you know just to be honest hello what's this i said the phantom strikes again there's always a little note you know you didn't you don't take the door that's just when you're home now i'm home i don't take the dog on the road i took one dog on the road i left it in chicago my dog is still i i have the feeling my dog's gonna come back in a few months and saying like a little you know saying oh hello like a little she might be pregnant or something who knows what she's doing she loved me a lot really yeah that's very hard i should make because people get very attached oh don't fit i love my dog i loved it it's terrific a lot of fun in the hotel room you know i was on the road alone my wife was here with the kids and i was in the i was in chicago and that dog was a company for me don't don't get me wrong i i mean you know you came in the room and she go and she would just wag a tail you know it was just terrific and you'd say how you doing then and she'd jump up and try to lick your nose you know better than nothing that's true when you're out of the road that beats swaddling flies with the newspaper on the lamp uh i've never had luck with dogs i think i get always get dumb dogs you know the dog i had a few years ago i had to teach him to school to learn to bark no yes didn't want to bark at all he had to teach him a dog this one was so dumb he had to teach him the part then he got very smart though that's pretty much remember that routine then he used to steal bones from the table he was one out of the garage he was building his own dog he got smart very quick never forget a thing what okay we'll be right back we'll be right back [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] so [Music] [Applause] [Music] i looked over to my left here and i see a lot of paraphernalia is this stuff yours well i was in a i was in warren ohio doing my play and roy clock and his friends came by and they were doing this trick and i said i bet i can do that and then i tried it there in the restaurant but i was quite drunk so i don't remember but i'd like to try it again it's a phenomenal trick i have the slightest idea what it is drop the eggs with the tray and the match covers and the broom it's unbelievable really you want to see it no we i haven't i haven't i haven't eaten it i tell you that this may be brilliant or who knows it could go nowhere yes it could go right in the uh let's go okay okay i'll try it okay okay well here we are at the trick okay here we are at the trick now let me just let me just tell you that i have five glasses of water yes i have five glasses of background yes a little background until the moment there's a climax here that is unbelievable matched only by whatever you can fill in as a climax would you sit down a moment don't be afraid don't be afraid and trust me oh my don't jesus okay this is really something that oh i'm a little scared actually okay okay all right now this is just this is a book of matches you see that rolled up like that and i have to put them over the glasses oh gee i'm scared i don't like this very much what are you scared what i'm going to do is i'm going to hit the tray and all the eggs that i put up here are going to fall in the glass it's really nice john you're going to love it what what is my role your role is to sit there and trust me and no no you're going to you can in fact info oh gee i don't know this is harder than i thought okay that's good and then you can start you can start with the eggs and this goes right over here okay i have yeah this is the important part is this part right here gee roy oh she's okay it's all right john it's all right it's okay okay this tray is gonna go shooting out there it just takes a few seconds and the tray all right let me just check if the eggs are over the thing oh no this is off just a moment okay that's good now that's good here this is fine how do you feel john well i don't uh does this yes this is gonna be good now the eggs these are all they're not hard-boiled or anything they're just they're still raw you know okay let me just take a let me just in case it doesn't work just let me prove to you that the eggs aren't wrong okay the eggs are all raw just in case this doesn't work okay all right this is going to be nice just let me just see that the idea is when you see these eggs and and when i say three you're gonna hit the tray the eggs are gonna go in the glass yes okay now ready hold on what you talking about don't what all right all right i don't have to do it that way all right just a moment just a moment all right here you'll watch it and just watch it okay just a moment [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] no [Applause] no [Applause] [Music] i like it no more [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] i hope it's if it gets warm in here i'm an omelette [Music] [Applause] you're totally insane hey johnny no more guests oh good happens you guys are bananas wait let me get vert reynolds out quick over there i did a quality sketch i mean did you see my eggs went right in they did and then you start putting it right in your i didn't do anything [Music] [Applause] how am i gonna explain this to my wife where you been hon i mean yeah what are you doing with the cholesterol in your shorts [Applause] oh unbelievable [Applause] won't be suspicious when you get home i don't know what pride there's something about eggs something about eggs and you get the devil then you came out you just you just really you you're in business there what ape yes i have to reach for my keys and my keys well i i hope you're driving a chicken when you go home and i i have these are my car keys over here is a surprise you know what i mean i'm not worried about my keys all right oh that's a silly feeling [Applause] i hope the shell doesn't travel well okay that was a lot of fun sure well we're gonna can we get could we get some wet towels or some kind of uh something like that and a sure pair of shorts i think them upstairs would be nice wipe yourself on the couch or something we'll uh we're going to take a message here and we're going to bring our next guest out sometime tonight you want to see another [Music] so [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] well we're asking the damage here we have we have some trousers coming charles charles is going into wardrobe was that was that was absolutely crazy because you don't have a chance to do that unless you're bombed you know yeah usually that's real great at a party when you've had about you know four shooters then somebody says hey this will be funny when it starts i wouldn't i wouldn't think that you would do that but it was nice to see that part of you yes i know but i mean it's nice you stood still for it i mean some man put an egg in your pants and then go like this but but see laurel and hardy did that i was i was i was having respect for laurel and hardy well burt reynolds is here tonight uh i don't know how many eggs we have left uh his latest film is really the most entertaining film i saw it the other night called the longest yard and it's got great great reviews it's a funny film and he is super in it and he's currently filming a peter bogdanovich film at long last love bird also a guest star in the wayne newton television special this saturday night here on nbc would you welcome burt reynolds [Applause] uh [Applause] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] is [Applause] it's nice to come out and be on such a dignified show this is the kind of reminds me of um i just look at myself that that's the worst skin condition i've ever seen in my life see once you start squeezing them this is what oh yeah very bad you stop touching yourself well you've certainly arrived on a wonderful night yes it was good knowing your sense of humor i didn't know what you were gonna what you were gonna do when you walked out i didn't know that was gonna be that excuse me [Applause] nothing new is it ah just freshen up there a little bit like high school isn't this ridiculous yes it was it was uh absolutely terribly entertaining we're on every night we've got to grab them and keep them real quick we don't have time to make those movies you know where you build in the plot we go right for it hey let me tell you really i had some people over the other night we saw your picture and it's fun to see people watch a motion picture and really sit and laugh you know and root and get so involved in the thing you were super in that picture and it's uh it got great reviews both in new york and in los angeles but it's one of those pictures that you know what they're doing it says one of the critics said you know you're being manipulated yeah but you'll love it and you go with it and it is we're going to show a small clip later on if you haven't seen it it's you go to prison because of a terrible thing you do to a young lady yeah and then to a policeman who tries to arrest you yes and you you get his attention first you have to get their attention yes and you got his attention and you go to prison and he plays the next football player you haven't played professional football for about eight years right right and uh i don't know why i'm telling the plot but it's like what makes the whole thing in the picture actually uh and every eddie albert is a warden sadistic warden who has a football game between the guards and the prisoners and you have to put together the football team in prison i have to get a team of uh of uh strange people i want to try because i am i'm a football player who's uh never been hurt uh for eight years and the reason is is because i'm i'm a coward and i run out of bounds i get a lot of big guys around me and i sell out so i he tells me to get up a team of inmates so i go around try to find the biggest meanest rottenness guys i can find and i get them they get some great characters in that picture the one guy that exposes himself is not real good at tackle but he he does have a flare certainly diverts their attention should we show the film clip first and this'll this will show you uh i don't know what exactly what part this is in the motion picture oh this is recruiting recruiting recruiting the guys recruiting the guy wonderful bunch of all-american youngsters i'm not gonna get hurt in this game i'm gonna get myself the biggest guys i can find and surround myself yeah you really wind up with uh about six real brutes yeah in there and it is really funny ray nitschke formerly of agree um green bay packers is in there and i saw joe capp yeah ray was on the on the guards team right yeah he thought that we were playing in the super bowl he tried to destroy me hurt your little body brother you know he turned out to be not just a um he turned out to be a good actor in the picture he wasn't he wasn't just playing a footballer oh yeah you cut to that face and you go oh because he doesn't have to do anything and who's going to go too like went across there three or four times you know and who's going to tell him it's wrong i never said he didn't say go oh no i told him a couple of times gee you're good and he ate your face yeah it's a funny funny picture let me let me pause here a second we'll be right back at this brief [Applause] intermission [Music] [Applause] [Applause] so welcome back to omnibus uh you missed the uh in-depth discussion earlier on the show in which we discussed the capital punishment and you know we were absolutely mad tonight anyway my guests are dom deluise and mr burt reynolds and his leather body stocking [Laughter] i hope it's leather because for this money you don't want to get naugahyde that's like a 48 buick is that off the rack no i got that at whip city [Laughter] that's right you get a spatula and a can of silly putty with that and it's an article in the free press i said uh please if you would like this outfit s m no freaks please get in a plastic bag and cover yourself with spaghetti and be at vine street at 11 pm i was there guy was a wonderful person and you made a trade and that's the way you came down and there's no pockets what do you do with your wallet your comb you don't uh you can't have anything that bulges of course wait a second okay 12 16. still not stop that silly lad you're a grown man how could you be a sex symbol with that kind of a cackle you can't come on here in a leather suit then go hey [Applause] no it's my fault and you did in the picture because there was a scene there where you cracked up and it was perfectly it was natural you because you've got a cat going sounded like a girl that's true but that's the way you laugh that's where that did you do all the uh did you do all the football scenes yourself i know you used to play florida yeah yeah i did all the uh all the running and all the uh getting hurt myself were you injured on that thing at all oh yeah they heard a lot but i never let the guys know you know because we were inside the prison you know and we had the guys there i wanted to think i was yeah and i would they'd jump up after they tackled me and they'd say how was that and i would go around behind the camera and go he hurts me oh i was hurt these were actual so the actual a lot of the guys were actually inmates from the uh wherever you filmed this right in uh ridgeville georgia did they get a salary for that yeah oh that's nice yeah cigarettes old generous birds few cigarettes for making a movie oh they got paid i made sure that they got paid right they won't collect for two years but they got paid they got paid exactly what uh a hollywood extra hollywood actor would be paid i insisted on that they wanted to pay them in cigarettes they really didn't no kidding yeah paid me in cigarettes do you do things like this now you come in i know you do terrible things on movie sets i hear i do practical joking yeah so like that like what keeps people loose you know yeah yeah today i had to grab a star a little uh star off a uh showgirl's tush you know she came by and she had a little star on the back and had to pop it off there and put it on the door of madeline khan's dressing room and i thought the crew would you know appreciate it if i couldn't get it off and and had to tussle with it you know make it for you know kind of cute you know broke the crew up nobody nobody else cared but it literally wouldn't come off so i faked you know except that her outfit was feathers and i came up looking like a bushman of africa a thousand feathers and sparkles and things on my crew loved it won't make a die in this picture did they print it printed it they printed that would you break the girl's tush no bit the star pick the star offer tush no don't bite the fish you can't bite it kirk douglas wouldn't do that oh you think you got that well number one never mind not important uh what's about the wedding on horseback somebody told me about it we were supposed to go to a wedding oh yeah it was supposed to be a wedding this uh this weekend i was a guy that used to stand in for me is getting married on horseback why is that i don't know just kind of record i guess i don't didn't didn't you ask him why you want to get him ragged you asked him why don't start why he wants to get rid of the horse back i mean that would sound like a logical question he's a cow he's a cowboy married to cowgirl but uh so logically they would get married on horses right and i was going to be the best man which meant that i had to mount [Applause] sequence there i knew we were going somewhere with that and i got a feeling we're going to end up over there calling it back to me hey i don't stop that giggle we'll be back and i'm homeless and uh we're going to shine birth close [Applause] [Music] [Music] [Music] okay we're back at sesame street and uh you just finished uh finished a picture with art connie didn't you or work in a picture with him i did a picture called uh wwe and dixie dance kings and art carney played the man who was trying to hunt me down and i never had ever in my life that much fun with anybody i had to try to find him once in a while the massage parlor you know and uh he does disappear occasionally art is a great performer and he has just finished a new movie called harry and tonto which is received great reviews couldn't be a nicer gentleman would you welcome mr art carney okay [Applause] hi how are you artie connie and i'm your dirty doctor i just played a house call on foster brook don't worry about that you were sitting back and make up looking so distinguished tonight and then you saw this madness yeah and he thought he was gonna lay an egg and you were gonna you you've been sitting back there figure out how to top this whole thing all night half oh yes you did it i'm just glad we don't have one more guest or we're in trouble because want to see me top it topic yeah [Laughter] you look like one of those convention nearers of the elk club about the third day sitting around club hi-hat what position there's a moon tonight it's got to be uh oh it's got to be up you want to lock up ed i'm going to catch the bus well i don't know where we're at let's settle down we're all professionals that's right we should we're grown adult men and we shouldn't be acting like children out here and do cheap things for a laughs [Applause] [Applause] oh ever seen eskimo pee no look we got to get going now [Applause] [Music] now we've got to settle down [Applause] what a tacky looking group we are tonight tacky tacky i really think that [Laughter] but these these moments do happen yeah what's in there you know this is ending up like a tribute to jack carter [Applause] what do we have in there yes you'll find anything and do three minutes it doesn't make anything okay difference oh um well what we're going to talk about tonight harry and todd who i understand is uh is uh [Laughter] what you say about the title of the movie is uh super harry and tonto tanto and me 21 you harry and me and harry and me tonto is the cat all together now harry and bro and tonto is the cat right yeah i understand it's a great i'm not seeing it yet but really the reviews you ought to be very happy with that now there's a there's a uh [Laughter] dew is setting in early more humid than i thought in here don't worry about it there's some deodorant here you want to use some of that i had some body makeup a little while ago and you use ready whip yeah remember when they came out with the giant size of this the guy blew his arm off four five six seven but i want to tell you going right into pulling out everything now the heavy stuff yeah well you used to do this because i remember when you and gliese would rehearse the old honeymooner thing and you'd get carried away in things and just start going silly or not reheard but just you know there's a lot of that going around bert that's a wonderful answer you want to cue the pony [Laughter] um i don't know what we were going to talk about are you going to play the piano they put that out there yeah certainly you can play like that i'll sing it yeah i'll do anything with you that's right sure you have pants in the bag would you like to put your trousers on first sure all right or you can go [Laughter] backstage okay put your trousers on and uh doing a commercial you can do it now we'll do a commercial once you do a little different i heard about you we'll do this first and while we change uh outfits and we'll be right back [Music] [Music] so [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] we're back i guess we we gotta go over here now huh whatever you say sure okay you say you want me to do something in this you don't want to say what i got in the bag yeah what are you got in the background you ain't gonna see it okay let's not do any of those silly tunes like i can't get over a girl like you so get up and answer the phone yourself what is that a large beep [Music] [Laughter] good [Music] once more are you ready now let's go you got the music i have so hey now [Music] run nice change [Music] so [Music] so we got two minutes we got can we do this in two minutes i gotta get out of the bus depot meet fred mcmurray [Laughter] there's nothing sacred tonight what i don't know all right what i'm gonna tell you now but i'm doing it like godfrey right well i turned the gun free yeah but you don't know like god you do like arthur tracy the straight side don't want to repeat [Music] candy [Music] cake [Music] [Music] i shiver and shake shiver and shake my heart would just break if some mother loved to drop me of my candy and cake sugar and spicy [Music] we'll be right back hey [Music] i'm uh glad the ace trucking company is here tonight because they're going to fit right in with this madness they're very funny four guys and they're going to open at mr kelly's in chicago starting monday this coming monday september 30th george memory mike mislove bill saluga and fred willard would you welcome the ace trucking company [Music] please come in hurry up just do it please good evening gentlemen welcome to the college of comedy where we study the history and theory of all forms of comedy tonight's lecture will be humor what makes people laugh [Laughter] [Applause] i hope whoever is responsible for this is happy you'll think this is funny i can wait here [Laughter] are you ready to continue gentlemen thank you this is one in a series of lectures on uh humor here at the college of comedy and how do we spell comedy with a capital mr kittering k is correct where we learn what makes people laugh and how do we spell that all together is that correct mr kittering simple yes will suffice let me uh call the roster please mr maxwell yeah professor kapka mr catucci yeah professor mr kiffering mr kittering is taking this course in an effort to overcome certain physical handicaps which result from a feeling of inferiority and i think he's come a long way this semester haven't you mr kittering you're amused by that mr katuchi yeah tell me who among us is uh without certain uh shortcomings eh mr catucci just last week informed me in private of a rather uh embarrassing physical problem he has which is hurting his private life professor relax mr katuchi your secret is safe with me still wetting the bed as you say the best mr kittery again i guess i guess it's sort of a water bed now you want to hold the comment till the end of the class mr maxwell well shall we begin each of us had a uh homework assignment over the weekend and i think we should begin with mr maxwell whose assignment was a demonstration of physical comedy physical yes comedy yes sir and i i have to set things up here what do we have there mr maxwell banana yes sir yes i'm gonna put it on the floor well be careful someone might slip on it and injure themselves well yeah that's the point oh that is the point you think it's funny that someone should slip on a banana peel no no no no class what is funny is the anticipation of a slip where the victim walks down the street in the last minute sidesteps the banana averting a fall there is the humor just slipping on a banana is an old and very trite uh laugh now if you insist on using a banana remember it's only funny if the victim is a stuffed shirt someone filled with hot air some pompous ass that everyone dislikes is that clear yes sir yes [Laughter] i think i've hurt myself someone called me a doctor everyone doctor exactly and if you said call me a cab you're a cat no indeed don't need mr maxwell because that would be repeating a joke and nothing kills a joe quicker than repetition if i've said it once i've said it a thousand times repetition repetition repetition only a fool needs repeat himself i repeat only a fool needs to repeat himself everybody only [Laughter] i was going to make a quick change and come up and come up like this sir i i don't understand what's what's funny about that well it's a funny oh you're making funny of someone's of a parent what if god forbid some poor soul actually looked like that wouldn't it be rather cruel to make fun of him sorry sorry you think it's funny i don't think it's funny to make fun of someone's physical handicaps do you mr kittering i should have known better than to call on porky pig incidentally how's your wife quicker katie did you prepare your one-minute comedy monologue mr kittering a simple nod of the head will suffice well we don't like to hear it unfortunately we only have an hour so instead what we're gonna do is call on mr catucci to rise and recite his one minute comedy monologue please mr well professor i never got a chance to uh prepare my monologue oh no i had to take my wife out to dinner and we went to the restaurant and she said to the waiter uh do you serve crabs and he said we serve anybody have a seat well uh the waiter the waiter said uh you know for 50 cents you can eat like a horse i said if i give you a buck would you bring out something uh that uh for uh 50 for a dollar could i eat it [Applause] the waiter brought out the food and i said you know this food isn't fit for pigs he said if you give me a minute i'll bring out something that is hey and uh i said wait i said wait what's this fly doing in my suit just a minute mr katuchi i think we've heard enough excuses as to why you were not able to prepare your comedy monologues my professor perhaps in the future you'll have enough respect for the class to come in with your monologue prepared professor i don't want to hear any more excuses sit down you didn't let me finish why don't you drop dead you see how i handled a heckler there so as each of you graduate or commence from the comedy college you're going to be performing in professional nightclubs where you will encounter heckling and at this time i'm going to show you how to handle a heckler handle a heckler now you're saying to yourself what's a heckle well i'll show you mr maxwell why don't you stand up and attempt to perform a comedy routine observe me ah good evening ladies and gentlemen it's a pleasure to be here tonight what if you crawl back into a sack well i can't you got it first i made that suit out of it i gave your partner a very nice star i'm sorry well it's not funny at all making fun of someone's clothes i'm sorry i take good money for this what difference is make sit down obviously you missed the whole point our friend mr maxwell does not know how to handle a heckler so that's my job i prepared certain professional type heckles here which i'm handing out you will call them up to me at the designated time and we'll see how you can handle a heckler ladies and gentlemen professor kafka good evening ladies and gentlemen welcome to the cafe royale is that your tie where's your tongue hanging out [Applause] well at least i can speak properly it's about the only thing you can do properly please mr maxwell keep your place i'm calling on one person at a time and keep your assigned heckles well it's a pleasure being here tonight i bet it's a pleasure for you to be anywhere tonight i said stick to your assigned heckles that's the assigned heckle at least i'm on the stage yeah you ought to be under one i'm not gonna tell you what i called him keep your assigned heckles it's very difficult working with stupidity yeah we're beginning to find that out are you addressing me professor we're sorry you really have a kind face no thank you kind we like to step on i don't have to take this that's not so stunning but all of a sudden standing in your shoes or did your pants fall down those schools if they live to be a hundred they'll never know what makes people laugh [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] we'll be right back [Music] [Applause] i uh i hope you've enjoyed our discussion of the great books of our times tonight our panel will be here tomorrow to discuss another in-depth socially relevant question to our country i've never seen such insanity here tonight we all should be go to a home immediately and spend a day there just been a lot of fun tonight oh it went like a minute well you started with your eggs and from then on uh i understand we were preempted by president ford [Laughter] thank you art thank you art great time thank you bert thank you dom tomorrow night shirley jones karen valentine richard arnold and dick cabot will be with us tonight oh [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] so [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Applause] you

Channel: pannoni14

Views: 55,255

Rating: 4.8481846 out of 5

Keywords: Tonight Show, Johnny Carson, seventies, 70s, classic, monologue, late night, Ed McMahon, interview, nostalgia

Id: QpOkzVCeesU

Length: 73min 55sec (4435 seconds)

Published: Wed Jul 15 2020