Here's what it is, all right? [groans] I think that sixty-nining is overrated,
and it sucks. [crowd cheering, applauding] Yeah. Yeah, you see that?
Some people clap. Some people are like, "Arrest this man."
But listen. The story of why is more important. Do you remember
when you first heard about it? I do. I was in third grade.
And that's too young. All right? One of the older kids told me,
and I was like, "What? At the same time?" I almost had a seizure.
I didn't know what he was saying. I didn't even have references
so I could pretend like I understood. I was like, "That's like eating
a cheeseburger covered in ice cream while you're taking a shit or something." And he was like,
"That's exactly what it's like." From that day on, I was hooked. When I tell you I was obsessed,
I was obsessed. I'm not saying it for a story. It is all I talked about, thought about,
dreamt about, sung about, joked about,
"Sixty-nine, sixty-nine, sixty-nine..." Every notebook in school, I was like,
"Sixty-nine, sixty-nine, sixty-nine..." Every sports team I was on,
I was like, "I'm number 69!" They were like,
"This is fifth grade basketball. Why don't you chill out, buddy?" Every birthday, Christmas,
my dad'd go, "What do you want?" I'd go, "I want a sixty-nine."
He'd go, "Shut up and stop saying that!" And I was like, "No!" Defiant. "No!" "Sixty-nine, sixty-nine. It's gonna be
the best. Be the best. Sixty-nine. It'll be like smoking meth
out of God's dick. I want to do it." And I built it up, and I built it up,
and I built it up, and when I finally got to do it,
I finally got to do it, you know what the first thing I said was?
"Get off me. All right?" My neck hurts. I can't get my nose out of the way. Does it feel good?
It feels like I'm working. All right, it'd feel better
if you flipped over and polished me off, and then I'll do you. Why's it got to be at the same time? Are we late for something? Uh... Is the youth pastor coming back
in a few minutes? Let's take turns,
like we learned in kindergarten. What type of maniac sixty-nines
as an adult? I mean, if you're a guy, I hope you're at least
a gentleman about it and you lay on your back and you're not one of these savage
fucking pigs... who's like, "I prefer this angle. And then you can hear the fight to live
underneath you." [gagging] And you're like, "Yeah, that feels good."
I bet it fucking does feel good. As you're throating that poor lady
underneath you. I don't think there's
a more horrific picture I can paint... than that of a woman, a lovely woman... Like, picture your mom
laying on her back... in anticipation of sixty-nining
from the bottom. And she's like, "What the fuck?" And she's got that look on her face, like, "Is the search party
gonna find me here?" And then a man, a disgusting man... like me, is like,
"Well, saddle up. Here we go." There's dingleberries and lint. And here's your mom, and I'm like...
[grunting] [laughs] And then, if I do that,
I hear, "What's on my forehead?" And I'm like, "That's my gut. [laughs] That's Daddy's wet trash bag gut." Austin, you were a blast.
Thanks for coming out tonight.
