Phyllis Diller HBO 1977 Standup Comedy on Location

I love Denver it's a great place why well it's got a lot of fresh air and I think if uh God were going to retire and pick a place to live he'd probably pick one of those little mountains and build a little cabin and and live there and breathe all that fresh air and look at those beautiful Vistas well the reason that I became a comic was because well it wasn't even my idea my my first husband decided that that I should be a comic and he simply sent me out into the world and said there you are you're a comic so I was 37 years old now most people are kind of folding their tents getting ready to sit down at 40 well they don't do it so much as they used to but for me life really began at 40 because uh that was about 3 years into the business and by then I knew that I was hooked I adored it and I just love it that was the best idea that first husband ever had to make me a comic that was Fang well no Fang is a myth Fang is not a real person because he's something that I've made up in my mind in other words he is the recept he's the receptacle of all the rotten jokes in other words Fang is a complete loser there's nothing good about Fang he's a drunk he's lazy he's stupid he's inept he can't do anything and he never works and uh therefore he's simply a a pigeon hole for all those jokes all my characters are simply pigeon holes for certain kinds of jokes for instance he has a skinny sister and he has a fat mother and then I have a mother who's gone in the head mother dingling and uh of course there's lots of kids they never have any particular character they're just kids they're nebul so that they can be any age that I want them to be at first I had absolutely nothing I had no press agent no manager no agent uh no writers I had just me and my little dumb act and uh well it's like the right Brothers you know they only went so a few feet in that first airplane I had a little 15minute thing that I did and now it's expanded to where it's a whole show do you remember the first joke that you ever wrote first joke I remember a terrible joke that I'm so ashamed of and I didn't even write it it just got into the ACT somehow it's the worst thing I've ever heard I was talking to an imaginary group of gangsters who and I'm the head gun mile I'm the head of the head of the uh gang and I'm telling them with a cigarette dangling out of my mouth and a tam off to one side and a tight belt I'm tough you know and I'm telling the guys we're going to Heist an underwear plant tonight and I don't want no slips is that the [Music] lowest [Music] [Music] like [Music] and now all you beautiful people here she is the Anne Margaret of the geratol set that girl who in the High School production of Cinderella played both ugly [Music] sisters that lovable dummy who says inflation has hit everything but my chest that silly broad who accepts obscene phone calls collect philis [Applause] [Music] [Applause] Stiller ah thank you very much I'm so delighted you had the nerve to fall into this joint especially tonight because you know we're making something for home box office so people can sit at home and drink their beer and have a little couple of laughs oh well I'm so glad to be here too you know I had no place else to go why not well you know I have bad news about Jimmy Carter three of his front teeth died of exposure his motto has evidently walk softly and carry a big [Music] toothbrush he says he's a man of the soil well he'll find plenty of dirt in Washington I love that Elizabeth Ray scandal That's my kind of jazz it's you know like maids come to the house and they say well no windows no floors she said no typing she may not have much upair stairs oh jeez she may not have much upstairs but by golly she's got a mezzanine you'll never forget and her basement is no bargain but let's face it she got out of it just exactly what she wanted she's got her own television show coming up a series called balling for dollars I have one coming up too my own cooking series it'll be called Mary hartburn Mary hartburn I knew I was putting too much conac in my salad when it caught on fire well what do you think you think I'm overdressed is's my slip no I'm going to tell you the truth about what I'm wearing I used to work as a lampshade in a wh house they couldn't get one of the good jobs and that's another thing I've been robbed four times I can't get raped I am the only woman in America who can walk through Central Park at night reduce the crime rate there was a woman kept yelling I was raped but an idiot they said well how do you know she was he was an idiot she said I had to help him you know I never wear feathers I'll tell you why would you wear feathers with legs like mine however there's one man in this this world that is absolutely crazy about my legs Colonel Sanders in fact he is bringing out a special package of chicken in my honor it'll have no breasts you know there's nothing under my bra but prickly heat I wear so damn much foam rubber no matter which way I fall I leave skid marks when they fit me for a br use a level I could wear a CAC cup if I knelt in it a friend told me I to stuff my brow with Kleenex I wish the hell she would have told me to take him out of the box for two weeks I had Square boobs I didn't give milk I gave lint and God knows I'm doing everything I can I work out with dumbbells every day of my life I hit myself on the chest hoping it'll swell and every time they operate on Liz Taylor by God I'm right outside the door I say I'll take anything because you know with modern Medical Science they can do the most remarkable things did you know that you can live to be 200 years old if you want to Chris I don't want to oh you kidding my whole life has been like the sixth day of a 5-day deodorant [Laughter] Pad but if you really want to hang around they can do it now they just take a heart a liver a lung a kidney listen from now on to your a doctor you are nothing but giblets I sure as hell hate to fall asleep in the waiting room face it they need parts supposing the doctor has a rich patient who's waiting for a kidney and you're asleep Zippity d you wonder why you're wee weeing less and enjoying it more course it's just a funny damn thing that modern Medical Science never comes up with anything to help me now I thought I found something on my own I found a money bag guarantee on a beauty cream rushed down to the store they took one look at me paid me in advance so then I bought one of those girdles with a magic finger wouldn't you know the one I got had arthritis then I tried out that new baking soda deodor it only works if you're sitting in the refrigerator so then I went into the dress Department I told the lay dad was a medium well hell she wanted me to contact her dead uncle Fred so then she absolutely insisted that I try on this certain dress she said Madam this dress is so sexy it'll give your husband ideas I said why does a brain come with it so then I went over to the perfume counter and talked the lady with the blue hair my God her circulation is worse than mine and I told her I wanted to buy something sexy to catch a man are you ready sold me 20 ft of rope and a gun so then I went at the lingerie department the lady in there said sir I said I'd like to see something in a bra she said I bet you would oh God you've heard of Twiggy take a look at the trunk you know what she's got printed on her chest in case of rape this side up I am built so damn pitiful one night I wore a low cut gown to a party the cheese dip turned bad at this very moment I'm being sued by a Peeping Tom for eye pollution you've heard of strapless bras get ready mine are coupless sometimes I just wear my garter belt High I golly that put a snap in your step there is only one day in the whole damn year when my figure pays off and that day is Halloween I always take first prize I did it again this year hands down I went practically nude I wore nothing but a white fur hat white fur boots I want is a cute [Applause] tip and guess what but there was a guy at the party that got absolutely turned on by my figure course he was a pipe fitter one day I simply sat myself down and I tried to figure out what the hell it is I've done wrong and I think I know I have worn so damn much foam rubber for so damn long I think I erased them you know it's a shame because I wanted to be one of those Cutie Pies that jumps out of a cake it's stag parties next month I'm booked for a luau I'm coming out of a pig and everybody says but you have inner beauty who the hell needs inner beauty with my luck would you know I'd be born wrongs side out it's a terrible thing to get on the bus and watch the driver move to the rear my own Ouija board told me to go to hell I wanted to be a cover girl you'll find me on the inside of the back page just above the Hemorrhoid ad [Laughter] and now the most horrible thing of all is happening to me it's called old age hell I didn't even see it coming hit me from the rear I woke up one morning it's over everything is gone the hair on the top of my head is so thin the part is on the roof of my mouth just got my armpit Dr on my elbows leak my G string is cleared down to d flat and you know as you get older you get the damn dry and brittle I may not pass on at all I may just flake away when you put your moisturizer cream on your skin shouldn't [Music] go everything is simply shot you've heard of water on the knee get ready I have gas if I bent my knees I could empty the joint and that's not all I'm nothing but spare parts anymore in the morning I don't get dressed I get assembled if I didn't have my contact lenses in I would know where I was hell I could be playing the men's room one night they let me I didn't know the difference the sound was good and it was cool do you know how I know that one day by mistake I got into a men's room and there wasn't anybody in there so I didn't know what it was how the hell would I know I thought they were goat [Music] feeders so what the hell I hung around and waited for the goats nothing so then I decided maybe they were religious Crypts but I couldn't figure out why they were sacrificing yellow ice but I played it safe I made a couple of novenas read the walls and got the hell out course you don't have to read the men's room walls anymore if you want to see something really dirty go to a movie oh my they are so filthy I never believed such a we went to a drive-in one night the car had to be over 21 are you aware that we are living in the midst of the world's greatest sexual Revolution and what do you want to bet I end up on the losing side Fang and I went to a wife swapping party he traded me for three gum rappers and a baseball card they're even teaching sex in the schools to little kids do you believe all this the current definition of a virgin that's an ugly third grader course when I was a little kid it was dull it would have been dull for me anyway you should have seen me you talk about ugly I don't know how to tell you about ugly oh my God I got home movies of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads when I was born I was a damn ugly the doctor slapped my mother my father asked the doctor is it a boy or a girl he said no he said it was the first full term miscarriage You' ever witnessed I was 3 years old my mother was still trying to get an abortion they had to hang a pork chop around my neck to make the dog play with me I was singing in the bathtub my own rubber duck bit me I couldn't get a date even when I asked I invited a boy of the senior prom he didn't go with me he gave me a number to call are you ready Dial A Prayer the only dates I ever had were with Catholic boys during Lent and you know when they play spin the bottle if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter well Hell by the time I was 12 years old I own my own home and I'll tell you what made it really miserable I had this absolutely gorgeous sister and she had one of those sexy walks that says to whom it made concern well hell it concerned everybody she had a revolving door in her bedroom think about it where practically no clothes once a week she did a laundering the blender one morning her car was dead she sat on the engine it started she went to a church Bingo party and won two priests got her mink coat on the leaday plan she's been in more motel rooms than the Gideon Bible she told me she wanted a white wedding I told her she better pray for snow she was the original meter made all you had to do was meter you got her made took a driving instructor two days to teach her how to sit up in a car to this day she thinks the stirring wheel is a clothing rack she broke her ankle in a glove compartment the only time a boy ever asked me to get into the back seat was to fix the damn speaker and she was crazy about Cub Scouts but by God she had to give them up she was up to two packs a day and everybody was always bugging me about my beautiful sister they said Well you certainly can't hold a candle to your sister so one day I did she was burned up but I'm going to catch up with her God knows I am doing everything I can accepting I am giving up the beauty parlor and I'll tell you why when I go to the beauty parlor it makes about as much sense as an ashtray on a motorcycle I was there today for 5 hours and that was just for the estimate and that man had the G to tell me that my hair does not respond to gravity well I got news neither does he I never saw anything so light on its [Applause] feet his wrists are so limp his self-winding watch stop three years ago he's weird as hell he's a father of four and the mother of three and his roommate is even weirder he sells toilet paper on Fire Island he's known as Mary Queen of Scots one day I confronted him I said I am looking for a hairstyle that will simply Drive men wild he said so am I you show me a gay Weaver and I'll show you a Fruit of the Loom you know they're calling all of this progress but I am calling it scary we are going too fast a couple of months ago I was invited to a homosexual wedding for real honest to God I went I was there saw the whole damn thing what do you think of that Jesus I'll tell you what upset me I caught the jock strap but what the hell I had it bronzed I serve onion dip in it but I will never give up I'm in my 14th year of a 10-day Beauty plan listen when I go to bed at night I got so much cream on my body I wear snow chains to hold up my gown one night I asked Fain to kiss me good night got up and put on his work clothes cuz he's got to be the least sexy man I ever met they made a movie out of his sex life it's called the sterile cuckoo the last time there was a gleam in Fang's eye there was a short his electric blanket when we get in bed together it's the naked and the dead he's so damn dumb he thinks the French Connection is a new position on our wedding night he brought a book to bed I wouldn't mind if he read he colored I put on a peek-a-boo blouse he peaked and booed we were in Las Vegas he sat at the tables all day long every time I walked past he yelled crap we stayed at such a cheap motel they stole towels from us I call for room service a guy came up and sang a couple of hymns they have one of those oow showers you spent 20 minutes adjusting it somebody flushes to John O course he's always been cheap God knows that's not news he's he's still got money the Tooth Fairy left him his idea of a deodor is to Scot tape of pine cone under each armpit and I'll tell you when he really looks cheap holidays Christmas Eve he puts the kids to bed fires one shot and tells him Santa committed suicide Thanksgiving we didn't even have a turkey we had a meatball with a feather in it the last time I said let's eat out we ate in the garage and I would think he want to take me out he hates my cooking he says a family fed together drops dead together he wants everything to taste like mother used to make it where in the hell can I buy fresh buffalo meat the only reason she wasn't on Noah's Arc they couldn't find another animal that looked like her God she's old her social security number is two she sold Bibles when it was a 10-page pamphlet great big fat old bat someday I'd like to Slit her girdle open and watch her spread to death [Applause] I don't like her she hates me one day I had a nose bed she put a Tourette on my neck I didn't give her anything at all last Christmas because she didn't use what I gave her the year before that the cemetery lot course I'm the first person to admit that my cooking is bad hell when the lumps in the gravy get too big I just tell them it's stew last night for dinner I fixed something so bad the cat covered it but he got lucky this morning I gave him a hot breakfast and set fire to his Corn Flakes he was just getting ready to complain about the coffee and got a chunk of a cut in his throat you know what he calls breakfast morning sickness I really loused up my breakfast this morning I broke open an egg and fried a pair of panty hoose but I finally found something he's crazy about for breakfast but by goly he doesn't know what it is it's kitty litter and cream I only have one recipe that I'm really proud of my bean soup is the absolute end after one bowl of my bean soup by God you can do a 20- m hike without moving your legs but you see here's the problem with Fang and food he's a boozer and boozers don't give a damn about food his whole family are drunks what can I tell you when he and his mother and his brother get together it's winking blinking and stinking his breath is so bad the dentist works on him through his ears and now the most horrible thing that can happen to our house is on its way his mother is coming to visit King Kong with an overnight bag how can I describe her jello with a belt when the old bat sits down and takes the whole mess five minutes to [Music] settle when she takes her girdle off her feet disappear putting a girdle on her is like putting a Band-Aid on a guy who had his head cut off last time she bought a girdle of us rubber went up eight points you know what it says on her bra wide load we still have a souvenir from her last visit a Persian throw rug she sat on the cat we didn't have a sunken living room till she got there she spent the day at Disneyland they thought she was one of the rides in a bikini she looks like a bear and a jock strap once a month they shove her through the Holland Tunnel to clean it her idea of a good time is to go downtown and burn out all the ES [Applause] escalators she laid down in our hammock and uprooted two trees if you get an elevator with her by God you better be going down she got a water bed for Christmas you know what's in it Lake Eerie [Laughter] she picks her nose with a shoehorn she looks like the Goodyear blimp in heat in a hula hoop she looks like the planet Saturn when she gets in her car it's such a tight fit she has to cough to blow the horn she's got stretch marks that glow in the dark one day a Volkswagen hit her hell they never found it you know the RoR scale for measuring earthquakes it's illegal for her to jog in California Halloween she threw a sheet over her body and went to a party as Alaska her dress size is Junior missile or zipper is a part of Amtrak she was born in the 8th 9th and 10th of June when she was a kid her mother used to dress her alike she was so big she could only play seek she's B honest to God she's been like a truck she was standing by a parking meter one day somebody stole her kneecaps it's all her own fault it's the way she eats hell if she can't move it she eats it I never saw anybody eat so fast she's got a racing stripe on her fork she was eating so fast one night in a Chinese restaurant her Chopsticks caught on fire I'll never forget that night she arrived in two cabs left in three when we got home she was still hungry ate the doormat thought it was a Triscuit listen when her stomach growls you better pick up a chair and a whip she never shuts the refrigerator door the whole front of her is frostbitten she eats so much spaghetti and bread when she sweats she starches her dress Sarah Lee is mentioned in her will she takes a no do after dinner so she won't miss her midnight night snack she told me she wanted a a salad i p poured oil and vinegar on the lawn and told her to graze she belched in the backyard and killed all the birds she stepped on the dog tail now we call him [Music] Beaver she goes to group therapy all alone the doctor told she had to lose 500 lb she sold her piano her Avon lady drives a pickup truck she put Theodor in 98 places and still stinks wow her feet smell so bad her shoes self-destruct they named the movie after her toes it's called The Dirty Dozen you ought to hear her sing she hit High sea and spay the dog she blew her nose downtown a construction crew broke for lunch she went to the doctor with a pain under her left breast turned out to be a tricked knee she's already picked out her Cemetery site Wyoming one night we were at a party somebody said let's chew the fat and the guy bitter and I will never forget that party it was a costume party and I went topless my upper plate fell out Fang got bombed out of his skull he staggers over to me he says do lemons fly I said no why he said well then I just squeezed their Canary in my [Laughter] drink he made such a fool of himself that night he kept saying you certainly aren't the girl I married he was talking to the guy next door but there was a girl at the party got to tell you about the girl she had the biggest boobs I've ever seen I think the word is deformity she was a hunch [Music] front and she had on a strapless gown it looked like somebody had closed a drawer in two balloons and I was just hoping the Fang wouldn't notice the big cow he goes moo he says when I look at that girl cold chills go up and down my spine I said you idiot you are standing in the punch bowl you know he's so bombed he doesn't know where he is he spent one whole night in the front yard trying to kill a garden hose one morning at 4:00 a.m. he walked in the front door into the hall closet and said third floor please you've seen hangovers and you've seen bloodshot eyes but have you ever seen scabs you talk about a hangover he's had honorable mention in the obituaries eight times this is a man who can kill a six-pack during an instant replay one night smashed coming home in a cab he leaned over the compartment has the drive if you had room in the front seat for a sixpack and a pizza the guy said yes Fang leaned over and threw up and remember I've done everything I know to do I have threatened this man one night I told him if you don't give up this stupid drinking I'm going to cut you off from all sex all together he said you don't even know where I'm getting it but you know I used to Envy those girls with the balloons but I don't anymore because I read an article and I found out what happens to those girls when they get old those balloons turn into jugs and they just dingle dangle no more cute ballon Bubble Up booby booby just dingle dangle balone Juggy wuggy and they get heavy and the lady's bra strap cuts a terrible rut in her shoulders one woman's jugs got so heavy her bra straps cut off both arms she's up here looking at her jugs her arms are rolling around on the floor you know damn well if you had a choice you'd keep your arms and drop your jugs but already they've got an operation for it it's called a boob Bob job but they don't do what I thought I thought surely they would take a little tuck no they take it off the the bottom and that goes into the knee bank for women with bony knees course they remove the nipples don't worry about it oh right away it'd be too exciting imagine getting on a bus looking across the way my God George George I don't believe my eyes that broad's got nipples on her knee hey George look at her now she just crossed her tits hey George why don't we follow her home and find out what she's got on her elbows can you imagine what that woman would do to a shoe salesman he'd pass out in her lap course you know operations are in I had one of the biggies when I told Fang I was going to have my face lifted he said who the hell would steal it that's so wonderful you know uh because of uh being here it makes me so happy because to get out of my house this you know I live in the only house in America ever fired on by Welcome Wagon and it's full of bugs and dirt I wear flea collar around both ankles there isn't a person in our family that's got the guts to eat raisin toast but you understand it just got ahead of me because in my day there was no pill and the kids just kept piling up with the dirt and the crap and all that stuff at one time in our play pin there was standing room only it looked like a bus stop for midgets used to get so damp in there we get a rainbow above it between the kids and the dog we lived in a swamp you talk about a dumb dog rintintin dum dum dum nothing but a fur covered kidney that barks now we fed him so much gravy train he toots stupidest dog in the world have you ever heard of a German Shepherd who bites his nails barks with a lisp you say attack and he has one he's a n reck he's so stupid I thought I'll put him out to stud he's a [ __ ] all he does is p the only way we know he got a robber in the house squish squish squish squish squish you say stick him up he puts up two front paws and one hind leg the only thing smart about him whenever I say heal he goes straight over to Fang and God knows that man's easy to find cuz he never moves he hasn't worked today in his life ever people say does he Moonlight hell he doesn't daylight it's a terrible thing to drive a man to work and get all the way back home and find him hanging on the outside of the car you talk about lazy when I give that couch to the Goodwill by God he goes with it wouldn't want to break up the set one day I laid down alongside the couch to see what the hell he'd look like standing up and you know he's no help I could use a little help with all those kids you know we got far too many kids and they're dumb they took after him the teacher came to the house to tell us that one of them is flunking algebra he can't keep the big mouth shut he says I don't know how the kid can flunk algebra we speak it in our home one day I asked him to fix the mixer he took it all apart the parts are laying all over the floor and this huge cockroach fell out he says there's your problem the engineer died [Applause] now there's something I haven't told you uh we have had many requests but I'm going to play the piano [Music] [Applause] anyway I'd like for Peter Daniels my piano partner to come out Peter Daniels is a terrific pianist yes piz P piz Daniels see I have to blow my nose this just burns me up you can't win I have my nose fixed now my face won't work could I take that one more time I my face fixed now my nose won't work that doesn't that bore you you don't dare do it near the mic it makes a rude sound I just have such rotten luck I swear if I went to a swan dinner I'd get the neck if I bought a new hat they'd cancel Easter one time I was out in the backyard was a little high a couple of martinis I was singing Twinkle Twinkle Little start fell on me one Christmas somebody gave me the most gorgeous white mink stole within two weeks I had developed black dandruff but uh people don't know it that I studied piano with Colonel Sanders and he's a darling old man and he's just precious and cute and wonderful but he plays lousy piano and I'll tell you why he his fingers keep slipping off the keys cuz he's a fingerlicking son of a [ __ ] so now we'll get on our little number I don't dare sit on my bead you know oh I've reversed the order of what we're going to play haven't I they don't [Music] care [Music] [Music] [Applause] Peter Daniel [Applause] thank you thank you very much thank you you know I told you about what a mess the house is and what a horrible thing it is to be there and that's why I love to get out when I was really stuck there I had a way of getting out I belonged to 275 ptas now I do this and it's lots of fun but I will never forget the last crisis that I had when I was home was the worst really the worst the sewer backed up in my basement basement why me so here it is the Sor is backed up on my basement on my laundry and I was a little behind about 8 months and the water hit it and began to swell up and stink reminded me a lot of his mother she has a terrible underarm problem I'd rather kiss her than wave goodbye oh the woman sweat she's got a whole pants suit made of dress Shields so here I am in this terrible mess in the basement and the plumber wouldn't come he'd been there before he hates bugs he's ticklish the last time he was there when they got to his armpits he went so as I stood there hip deep in crap I decided that something beautiful had to come out of that moment and it did E tide [Music] a [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] thank you very much thank you thank you very much thank you Peter Daniels thank you [Applause] Peter thank you thank [Applause] you oh it's so good to be here in this lovely skiing state which they didn't have skis this year too bad it's too bad you know skiing is a very expensive sport if you don't believe that why do bank robbers wear ski masks but it's been such a wonderful thing to be here and uh to get away from well you know in California I have such rotten luck there I just lost my driver's license the last time I was home I shouldn't have gotten in the car that was my first error and you're not well I had a terrible time getting the license in the first place I got two tickets on my written test so the next time I went for the written test I thought why take chances and waste their time and mine so I copied off a guy next to me he was taking a civil service exam but I have a driving tip I must leave with you don't ever hit the lead car in a funeral procession I have never run into that many people in such a bad mood and when that stiff rolled out oh hell you'd have thought I killed him and I didn't even create the problem it was a cheap funeral and they had only dressed the top half of him his wife jumped out of the car she said my God that's all Fred needed and bombing look at [Applause] that no wonder they couldn't get the lid shut it's time to put the lid on our home box office show and I want to thank you for coming and being a part of it and I'd like to leave you with a famous quote there is nothing like going to bed with a good book or a friend who's read one good night I love [Applause] [Applause] [Applause] you w w [Applause] w [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] n

Channel: je

Views: 60,714

Keywords: 1977, stand-up, phyllis-diller

Id: YgD8kFla0t8

Length: 53min 30sec (3210 seconds)

Published: Tue Aug 21 2012