The Mysterious Journey of the Lost Wallet - Tom Segura: Completely Normal

a few years ago i was in washington dc and  i was sharing a cab with a woman i didn't   know never met her before in my life we're  splitting the cab midway through the ride   as i'm looking out my window i hear the woman  go hey i thought she was going to be like hey   like you want to [ __ ] or something i was like  i can't i'm married so make it quick all right i look over i'm like what is it and she  goes is this yours and she's holding a   wallet and i go no it's not mine she goes  oh it must be the previous rider's wallet   i'll just give it to the driver and i go don't  do that look at him he looks like a cab driver   he probably smokes crack every once  in a while you can't trust these guys   i go give it to me i'll get it back to the  rightful owner and she goes really i go yeah   she gives me the wallet now i feel obligated  to find the owner but here's the honest-to-god   truth i really want to i've always dreamed  about finding a wallet i don't know why   i dreamed i would find a wallet i would open it it  would have a thousand dollars in it i would get it   back to the rightful owner and would turn out to  be like will smith then he'd be like do you want a   helicopter and i'd be like yeah and i'd be like  i got a family in denver do you like furniture so i open this wallet it has two dollars a grocery  store rewards card and a community college id   so i have found not will smith's wallet but  i still try to do the right thing i call the   grocery store i explain the situation and  i go can you help me out and they go no   we're a grocery store we don't track people  down eggs are on sale go [ __ ] yourself   and i was like cool thank you thank you for  your help then i call the community college   and i speak to literally every department in the  community college for four and a half hours before   i finally get a contact number i call the number  and a man answers the phone who i can only imagine   has never used a phone before because he actually  answers the phone with a noise so just to break   the [ __ ] down i don't know if you've ever used  the phone before but usually when you call someone   and they pick it up they say hello that's  [ __ ] it that's what people say when they   answer the phone maybe if they're in a  bad mood what those are the two options   this man answers the phone picks it up  and he goes uh and i go hello and he goes and i go i'm going to talk and then  you talk and he goes yeah like it   was the first time someone explained  to him how [ __ ] phone calls work   up until that point he's just like that  made a noise i'm gonna make a noise too so i go hey i found this wallet i was given your  number i'm trying to return the wallet and he   says it's probably my son's wallet he's always  losing [ __ ] because he's a piece of [ __ ] that's the first thing i don't even know how  to respond i'm like ah i go can i give him his   [ __ ] back he goes he's a real [ __ ] and  i go we're talking about your son right now   and he goes yeah i don't think he's going  to amount to anything i go jesus christ   i go maybe he will amount to something if he  gets his wallet back he goes yeah yeah i'll   let him know you called and then he hangs up the  phone without taking my information so his plan   is to go to his son and be like some guy i found  your wallet yeah i don't [ __ ] know he's like so i'm super frustrated i try  to do the right thing right   i forget about the wallet a year goes by a year  a calendar year i go back to dc i go in town i   call a friend we go to a restaurant just a random  restaurant we sit down and the waiter comes up to   take our order and i go justin and he goes how do  you know my name and i go dude i have your wallet and he goes oh do you have it on you i go no i  don't [ __ ] walk around with your wallet i don't   go i got my wallet and i got justin's wallet  now i'm ready to go out no you [ __ ] psycho and he goes do you want to hear  about today's specials and i go   do you want to acknowledge that this is  an amazing moment in both of our lives and he goes what do you mean what do  i mean i found your wallet in a cab   in dc a year ago i don't know how many  cabs are here but i think it's a lot   i got told no a hundred times by a hundred  people trying to find my hotel room used to   look like an episode of ncis there was pins  and charts connecting [ __ ] to each other   i spoke to your father who's not a fan  i don't know if you knew that or not   i come to a restaurant at random i get seated  in your section and i recognize you from your id   that's burned into my memory you  don't think that's [ __ ] amazing   and he goes we have a prime rib  special we also have a penne pasta   i can't eat i'm like what the [ __ ] he comes by  i go look i don't want to make a big thing here   but i do remember that i have your wallet in my  bag my bag in my hotel room if you want to come by   i will give you your wallet and he goes okay i  go back to the hotel i hear a knock at the door   and now i'm expecting him to lose his [ __ ] i  think the situation merits freaking the [ __ ] out   i think he was playing it cool and  now he's gonna be like i didn't   want to say this earlier we should  open a surf shop in maui together you know we're like this is my newborn  son i want you to have him like that so i hear a knock at the door i open the door  i'm like hey and he goes hey you got my wallet   and i go yeah i give it to him and he goes  cool and he turns around and he walks away   no that's not cool so i open the  door and i see him about to get on   the elevator i go hey justin and he  goes yeah and i go your dad's right   you're a [ __ ] [ __ ] and you're never gonna  amount to anything and i shut the [ __ ] door

Channel: Comedy Dynamics

Views: 2,176,809

Keywords: stand-up comedy, jokes, funny, comedy, laugh factory, comedy central, humor, comedian, comic, joke, hilarious, comedy video, comedy videos, best comedy, comedy dynamics, stand up comedy, the comedy store, comedy cellar, comedy works, best stand up, best comedian, top comedian, top stand up, lol, omg, just for laughs, tom segura, segura, your moms house, ymh, ymh studios, lost, lost wallet, tom segura comedy, christina p, comedy show, funny story, journey, dr drew, mystery, mysterious

Id: xIIUGBTgjU4

Length: 6min 25sec (385 seconds)

Published: Thu Jul 29 2021