Hey all, Scott here! You know, I was recently adding a brand new copy of Madden 08 to my ever-growing collection when I contracted something *pukes* Depression! Valentine's Day is only a few solid decibels away. Thusly, I have to find a mate. Like, really have to find a mate! So, what better way to do it than with a lack of confrontation, by going on, Tinder! Here I have my current profile, and I think it's safe to say I'm doing pretty well with it so far However in terms of activity, I'm absolutely bleeding loneliness out there. Tinder does have a pay-to-win option though with a little monthly fee. So I'm gonna run to the store and grab an iTunes gift card to purchase my way to intercourse. So I'm back I recently bought some iTunes gift cards, one for me and the others for the next homeless guy I see on the street because, I'm just a giving person, and you know, he could use that iTunes gift card much more than I could. Now with the aid of Tinder Plus, I am cruising through matches. It's like a dream come true! However, none are really responding to my messages. I don't know what I'm doing wrong here! You know, I wish I could see how other guys talk to girls on Tinder, so then I could see what I'm doing right and what i'm doing wrong. That's it! I'll pose as a girl on a new account just so I could see how other guys talk to me! Now, before you get judgmental here, know two things: One, I'm only posing as a girl to get laid. And two, I don't use Tinder all the time, I only use Tinder when I'm bored or horny Here we go just a quick search on Google Images for that and that And here we go! My name is Glenda Siete, and I'm a girl who likes beach balls But I don't say that in my bio. I just cleverly make a beach ball my only other picture available Started a messaging all these guys first And we have a fair amount of responses here. "If your left leg was lunch and your right leg was dinner, I'd snack in between" Like my navel, is that a threat? Let's wait on the response there. Oh looks like somebody said hey, I don't like the confidence in messaging first I'm just gonna ignore that. So responded to this man's first message and he threw it in a direction that I'm really not a fan of I'm just a local scamp catfishing people for knowledge on how to talk to girls on Tinder and also for some Really weird power trip, but I don't want to leave the guy hanging so... "Oh, that sounds great, would you like to swap emails?" And just gonna delete that. Alright, so after looking at how guys talk to women virtually and how they present themselves I think it's finally time to retool my profile So I recently took a lot of new photos I specifically got this dude who works for Shutterstock to do it for me, and I think these pictures came out pretty well. I also buffed out all the kinks in my bio and came up with this: "Hey gang! King Handjob here!" Just is showing how much experience I have. "I am what many would consider a party within a profile" You know, I'm just a fun guy, you know. "In terms of future plans, I would like to be 25 years old someday." You know, I have aspirations too, you know. "No Ghosts Allowed." I've had too many bad experiences with those things. Alright, looks like I'm finally ready to start matching! Oh wait, Uh, I got a notification on Twitter. Oh, hot dog! Not only is an incredibly beautiful women interested in me, but an attractive one as well! There's only two ways this can end! Marriage, followed by... s e x Or slight embarrassment. At this point, I'll take anything! Alright, let me just click this link to message your... Oh, okay. I'll come across woman I know. Well that's enticing specifically because the only women I know are cartoon foxes. "Do you agree to keep the user's identity secret?" Uh no, because if somebody asked me I'll start giggling too much and they'll see right through me. "The women on this site are not at all interested in a relationship" BORING "Do you agree to practice safe sex?" What is this, middle school? Lame! Age group: Gonna go for the lows and the highs! "And what type of body turns you on?" Oh, I love Buffalo Wild Wings! And what type do I prefer? I'll say all, W B A M O ! Well, it seems to be a bit frozen. We'll come back to this later. You know, while I wait for her to message me back, I'll go back on Tinder and crank up the boost option and, uh, talk to some girls! I'll use some of the tactics I learned from the other guys I've met. Specifically, I'll try to be a nice jerk. "I like your glasses but you need to work on the freckles" Alright, so while I wait for her to throw herself at me, I think I need to do something different to my Tinder profile, something to help it stand out from the crowd. I'll make a video, to help sell myself, like a movie trailer, you know? The only problem is, I sold my computer to help fund Tinder Plus, The thing is, you know, I spent $10 on Tinder Plus and $140 on the iTunes gift cards for Homeless Man McGee out there... Soooo, I guess I'm gonna have to use Windows Movie Maker on my old computer to help make this trailer. *loud rock music plays* I was reported!
"I only use tinder when i am bored or horny"
So like all the time
Oh I LOVE buffalo wild wings!
Wait hold on does this guy actually put out decent content?