THIS Perfectly Describes A Narcissist's Gaslighting

being very entitled and controlling narcissists have no difficulty stepping all over your personal boundaries so that's why I put together an extensive video class called this is me it has 25 videos written documents guided questions I'm going to teach you how to have healthy boundaries there's a link below and I hope you'll find it to be quite therapeutic [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] I want to ask you a very basic question about the way that you interact with other individuals and that is simply this are you a person that's open to someone else's input and I hope the answer is yes whenever we engage with other individuals we're inevitably going to have different thoughts or perspectives or takes on how things go sometimes you have blind spots sometimes you've made mistakes and so when someone else comes along and says I don't think exactly the same as you healthy individuals will say well okay talk to me about it and you can receive that input you can mull it over and you can do with it as wisdom would would direct you to do now when we talk about narcissists that's just off the table they don't want to listen narcissists begin with the notion when they engage with you it says I don't need your input I don't want it you're in my way and if I could just get you to think the way that I say it ought to be we're going to get along just fine and then taking it a little bit further when you illustrate that you do indeed have your own independent mindset Here Comes their gaslighting and these individuals make it their task to create confusion and doubt in you so that they can Elevate themselves at your expense and there's one statement or there's one descriptor that we could use that that explains why the the whole notion of gaslighting and what's behind that and that's simply this The Narcissist has already decided my denial overrides your intelligence I want you to let that one soak in my denial overrides your intelligence basically when you come along and you have a very reasonable way of thinking uh your perceptions are going to be summarily dismissed clearly the The Narcissist has already decided I don't need to learn anything especially from you and then they can go directly into a stubborn know-it-all kind of mindset and they perpetuate that in their engagements with you I want to give you a couple of illustrations that uh that shows you some of the absurdity I recall talking to a woman who's uh whose husband their ex-husband now and uh and uh the father of her kids had a bad habit of just screaming and raging and acting like a an overwhelming dictator when anything went wrong inside the house and she would try to explain you know we can do better than this let's try a instead of B and he would rage at her and one of his comments was you don't even know what you're talking about well actually she had a degree in childhood development and also in social work she she was coming through a pretty informed position but his denial overrode her intelligence another illustration there's a man that I knew that went to work for a family-owned business and as he got in there and started doing the things that he was hired to do he began realizing that there were some schemes and some patterns inside that company that weren't good at all and so he talked to the owner about that his comment was you know if you had to run the finances of this company we'd go bankrupt well guess what about a year later the company went bankrupt because he wouldn't receive input my denial overrides your intelligence and there are so many illustrations I'm sure that you could come up with that that indicates I don't want to hear you and all I want to do is I want to make you think that you're the idiot that's what they do I'd rather lie to myself I'd rather discredit you I'd rather continue in my dysfunction over learning how to adjust now let if we look further into this the narcissist's ultimate goal is to perpetuate their own alternate reality and that's so important for you to realize a long time ago deep in their own personal histories they they came to the conclusion that they didn't really know how to manage certain truths in their world and so they just started making things up on their own behalf as they went through it and denial has become one of the primary uh coping mechanisms that a narcissist will fall back on and again I want you to let that soak in denial is a narcissist a narcissist or one of the narcissist's primary coping mechanism in dealing with problems if I can convince myself and if I can convince you that my problems don't exist then it's all settled that's what their denial is all about now if we look deeper into their personal history we could see that various patterns are a part of this denial which then leads to the gaslighting for example The Narcissist if they were honest could say and they're not that honest I was shamed deep in my history by people in authority I didn't know how to manage that or if they were honest they could say well whenever I would try to explain my needs or my feelings I was invalidated I didn't know how to manage that either or if they were honest then they could look back and say well whenever I began experiencing conflict with other family members or friends or co-workers or teachers I didn't know how to manage those conflicts either or when whenever uh if they were honest they might say well whenever I was required to blend with people who and harmonize with people who were quite different from me I didn't know how to manage that either and so there's an ineptitude that these individuals are drawing upon it's like when stress when strained when difficulties comes along nobody really taught me how to to manage that well or if they did it just didn't soak in and so instead of saying you know I need to go back and revisit all of that um basically we go back to their denial they decided Well if I can just deny my ineptitude and if I can declare myself as the ultimate keeper of truth I win and this is something that's been going on in their mind and in their world for decades and then you show up and you say hey there are some ways that we can manage this it would be different and instead of saying well I never really I mean I'm always in a learning mode they go back and it's like no why don't we just use my strategy my strategy is deny it and it doesn't work and denied it and then I win and then of course that doesn't work and then when you come along and say but I do have a different perspective then you are going to be gas lit you are blamed for their ongoing friction with the world now I want you to understand that when you encounter someone who repeatedly gaslights you you're in the presence of a profoundly insecure individual I mean just break it down how hard is it to Simply say I'd like to listen to you how hard is it to Simply say I respect your input how hard is it to say I haven't thought about it that way before tell me more how hard is it to say let's examine the differences between you and me perhaps we could each learn something now see to me that's a very basic uh way to look at the way that you can deal with relationships but narcissists again we go back and say they have such an ineptitude that's a part of their life and and instead of saying that they denied that it even exists and they pronounce themselves as being the know-it-all person that everybody needs to look to for all the wisdom in the world basically they haven't come to uh to acknowledge one core truth and it's it's such a basic truth and that is simply this pretending to know more than you really do and then shaming someone uh who could actually help you is simply not a good strategy for living so uh the the fact that they cannot come to terms of that means that instead what they're going to do is they're going to blame and they're going to just try to invalidate and run anyone in the ground who says well I have a different thought and so why don't we uh conclude by saying this um by virtue of the nature of denial it's going to be necessary for you to realize I'm not going to be heard being heard means that they're willing to hear something but denial means that there's a thick wall of Defense there and so don't expect that you can be the one who's going to break through that wall of Defense likewise let's keep in mind that when narcissists repeatedly refute your input it is a major red flag that says you're dealing with a very troubled and a fearsome kind of an individual and then also let's all let's say that when some another thing for you to remember is when someone persistently attempts to control you the strong implication is they feel out of control in their interior and that's another thing that's important for you to recognize buying gaslighting you and using denial and pushing it on to you what they're saying is I I have way too much confusion on the inside of me to even go into that space I just need to control and manage your perception of who I am so I'm hoping then you can be too intelligent you can be too insightful to buying into their denial and their use of gaslighting as a means of covering up their feelings of ineptitude one thing that I would say to you is you're being gaslit by that denying person is to say I need to learn how to listen to myself and I need to learn how to listen to myself honestly as a skill that narcissists don't have I'm hoping it's a skill that's Central to who you are now I hope the video such as this can give you some good Insight regarding what you're dealing with I so appreciate you allowing me to be on your growth journey and I'm hoping that these can give you some good stimulating things to think about if you've not already hit that subscribe button I would encourage you to do so we're going to keep more coming at you and as you watch the videos in a cumulative kind of way I'm hoping it can give you a real sense of well-being From the Inside Out likewise if you have a need for therapy and I know many times it's good to have somebody objective who can help you sift this out you know that I'm sponsored by the people at betterhelp.com I have been for years and I've had good results from that it's uh it's accessible you can you can work with a therapist online or even by phone and and there's a link below that will take you to that in fact if you go through a link you get a 10 task discount on the first month I would strongly encourage you to go in that direction if the need is there likewise I have my therapeutic courses and these are like signing up for an online class we have this is me which is about setting your boundary is we have free to be finding yourself despite the controllers Ready Set connect about making good connection skills likewise we have my webinars that have already been presented but they're still available for you we have my podcast we have our website with many articles we have my books plenty of resources okay narcissists want to Gaslight you they want to put you into a place of confusion when in fact what they're doing is they're actually covering their own confusion remember that and as you learn how to trust in yourself and you learn how to live with with the wisdom that you know is going to carry you into a deeper healthy relationships I'm hoping you can see that narcissist for what they are and sadly there's just a pitiable element there and don't let that person be the one that's going to guide you in the way that you do life and as you learn how to listen to yourself and receive input and be an ongoing learner I hope that you can see that it will position you to become a person of steadiness and a person of peace foreign [Music]

Channel: Surviving Narcissism

Views: 72,564

Keywords: narcissists in relationships, gaslighting, covert narcissism, self esteem, psychology, mental health, anger, Dr. Les Carter

Id: mmxd8osCuAY

Length: 13min 20sec (800 seconds)

Published: Mon Mar 27 2023