What Is The End Game For A Narcissist's Spite?

being very entitled and controlling narcissists have no difficulty stepping all over your personal boundaries so that's why I put together an extensive video class called this is me it has 25 videos written documents guided questions I'm going to teach you how to have healthy boundaries there's a link below and I hope you'll find it to be quite [Applause] therapeutic [Music] have you ever been in a position where you've been on the receiving end of a narcissist spiteful attitudes if you have you know that it can be very very difficult to the point of dangerous when we talk about a a narcissist who is in a spiteful mode toward you we can say that uh that somehow you have sent them the message and and perhaps deliberately on your part and by the way good for you that says I'm not going to play along with all of the negative uh energy that you're throwing in my direction you want me to play the role of enabler or you want me to just lay down and let you walk all over me I'm not going to do that anymore and when the narcissist becomes convinced that in fact you are moving away from them and the role they've ascribed to you then Here Comes their spiteful attitude the the the the narcissist spite can come from an attitude of or the emotion of anger but then that anger takes its own dark turn into this contemptuous hateful vengeful kind of a mindset The Narcissist who is feeling spite is thinking I want you to hurt as badly as you have hurt me and in fact if I can make you hurt even worse then I'll be more than happy to do that keep in mind mind that's their way of responding to their own internal pain they insist that they're going to destroy you they have no introspection they don't think in terms of you know what can I learn through this all they know is I'm feeling spiteful and the best way for me to relieve myself of of my uh energy that goes along with it is to destroy you obviously that's a terrible strategy but that's where they're coming from um I want to walk you through some of what you need to understand regarding their spiteful attitude the more you understand about who they are in that moment and in the the way that they're coming toward you then more it allows you to be objective in the way you're going to respond and by the way I'm going to shoot another video that's going to come up in just a few days uh that talks about your spiteful feelings toward them and we're going to see that there can be a really strong uh contrast in the way that they manage theirs versus how you can manage yours but let's focus on where that narcissist is coming from right now first and foremost the thing I want you to know is when narcissists bring their spitefulness toward you it it's an indicator of what we classically refer to as narcissistic injury their self-esteem has been bruised uh they feel exposed by you when you say I don't want to go along with you what you're saying is I don't think you're a very healthy person and I don't think that you're good for me and I don't think that uh what you purport to be is anything that I want to have anything to do with now they'll take their hurt feeling but they'll fuse it to their uh natural inclination toward entitlement it's like oh wait just a minute um you owe me and if you don't comply with me then uh that means you're challenging me and nobody challenges me because you see uh I get to to extract things from you of course you don't get to do that in reverse and and as a result uh their fragile ego that's really um the part that's uh play here uh is triggered and they're thinking I have to have your admiration and if you don't give me your admiration then I'm going to so make you suffer now what uh what else this reveals then it shows you that no matter what kind of nice history you might have experienced with them was all phony narcissists look at you as their as as a a a giver of narcissistic Supply period into discussion that's it that's all they think in other words you have an assigned role and you did not live into your assigned role and by the way they're not going to like this but that's actually a backwards compliment to you it's like I don't want to be that kind of person uh it's like good for you that you thought that way but they saw you as Supply and your way of your response of not going along with that has cut off that sense of Supply that having happened then fear takes over with the narcissist IST now they won't say I feel fearful what they'll do is they'll say I feel angry uh but the bottom line is you see by by you saying I don't want to participate with your dysfunction you're more or less implying I've I've seen what you look like with your mask off you're exposed and I and I see how disgusting you can be and so the narcissist thinking uh I can't let that happen and in the process one of the things that you've discovered about the narcissist is their ineptitude now the narcissist uh you know by virtue of having to have your admiration to hold themselves up uh they they have such an emptiness on the inside and their anger when exposed uh implies well I don't know what to do when you don't agree with me I'm inept when it comes to that skill set I can't manage pain I can't manage conflict I don't know what to do I have to have that public Persona and the fact that you've seen behind it scares me to death and again of course they won't say that but then taking it further that fear then causes them to uh claim the victim status look what you've done to me look at how miserable you're making my life of course they forget the fact that they set the whole thing up to Collapse by uh having all their improper treatment toward you they blame you for feeling as miserable as they do when in fact in your calling them out you're saying no that misery was standing on the inside of you before I ever showed up now that I'm saying I don't want to participate then somehow it becomes your fault anyway go figure on that now uh the uh the fact that narcissists will come out with this spiteful angry reaction uh they they uh want they want you to think that they are the gold standard they're the one that holds on to what's right and good all of this harsh harsh emotion that they bring and and saying they want to destroy you reveals they don't have good reasoning they don't have sound Insight or awareness they honestly don't know how to take a a relationship that's not really functioning well and break it down objectively and say what can I learn they they don't have that that reasoning and insightful capacity and so what they'll do is they'll Focus outward which is you because they don't know how to go inward so they hold on to their disbelief their their shocks like I can't believe you're doing this to me and then what they do is they like I say they've transferred or they want to transfer their pain into you and what it tells us is they have a deep history of feeling a lot of pain other individuals have also let them know I don't care for what you bring to the equation I don't like what how you manage life life and and as a result they've already had that experience and then when you come along it it dredges up those old memories and basically their spite is tied to the fear of their abandonment um the the implication is I don't want people to leave me I don't want people to to declare that I'm no good and so uh in their spite then they'll say ah you know what uh you weren't all that great anyway why would I need you which is the old member eso's Fable and the sour grapes I the grapes are probably sour anyway they'll try to make up a narrative negatively about you when in fact no it's it's their fear of Abandonment and their fear of of being a nobody they already had their defenses up before you showed up as evidence by the fact that they needed to have that false self once uh you say I don't I don't want to go along with you then those defenses become so impenetrable that we can almost say it's 100% uh likely that you are not going to penetrate that you're going to be heavily criticized there is going to be hardly any room for restoration you need to go ahead and and uh uh you know make room for that and their spiteful feelings can sometimes last for decades because you see that's all they have to hold on to to remind themselves that there are somebody I was able to destroy I was able to tell that person there and nobody that makes me a force to be reckoned with and I'm thinking how pitiable how absolutely pitiable you know I'm sorry that they have this Venom on the inside and I'm sorry that it gives rise to them spewing that Venom all over you um but uh to to my point uh they don't have enough insight to be able to come to terms with that which is where the the spite just continues now as you see this and understand it for what it is let's let's go with one huge um different thought and that is you can have reason and you can have insight and so I'm hoping that you'll instead of just getting pulled into all the subjective emotion that goes along with their spiteful reactions to you I'm hoping you can decide you know uh I I I see you as being somebody that doesn't know how to do life well that's an objective truth I get it and that being the case uh I'm going to drop any kind of Illusion that I can or should make you the narcissist think and feel any differently now you're going to have to make room for the fact that some of the intensity of their emotion is going to continue and it will hurt you and we we can't make that not be the case but in time I'm hoping that you can move on away from that individual to the point that where you can find your better Alternatives and frankly the narcissist is probably going to find their next victim their next person that they're going to try to charm and all the rest and then the same thing will probably happen there and then they're going to go through the cycle all over and over again basically what you'll need to do is just jump off that marryg go round um your best chance for healing comes when you say I'm sticking with my original agreement I don't want to play the role that they've assigned to me I don't want to be inside that person's Circle nor do I want them inside my circle I'm going to go ahead and a I'm going to reconnect with me my dignity my respect my Civility and then I'm going to connect with other individuals who know how to do that along with me and I'm going to run parallel with those kind of people narcissists in their Spite and in their commitment to holding on to the Venom will prove over and over that they are indeed inep I don't know how to go in that path with you and I'm hoping your response can be yes I see that which is why I'm going to continue my journey elsewhere um I'm hoping that uh that you can decide whatever pronouncements they make uh about you are coming from their place of unresolved strain and tension don't buy into it and like I said I'm going to have another video and we're going to be talking about your revers feelings of spite but the bottom line is you don't have to let their pain and their transfer responsibility over into you to become your truth it's part of their false self no thank you I'm not participating now I hope this giv you some good awareness of what you're dealing with uh knowledge is power the more you understand these things the more you can objectively move forward and as a therapist it would be so refreshing for me to talk with individuals who were going through this and for them to realize I don't have to let them write my script and so uh I hope you've hit the Subscribe button if you haven't I encourage you to do so because we're going to keep more videos coming in your direction I I'm hoping to uh encourage you toward insight and your own personal healthy adjustments now uh there are times when you've been through something like this that therapy could be good for you I'm I'm a retired therapist now but obviously I believe in it greatly you know I've been sponsored for years by the people at betterhelp.com it's an online therapy resource the link is below you can go through that and check out what they have there for you it can be so helpful when you have you you're receiving these harsh and negative messages from someone uh for the a therapist to work you walk you through with that with an arm of encouragement around you letting it be known uh they can be unhealthy but you don't have to join them and if that's something that you could use please go through the link and get the assistance that you would most rich to deserve also I put together courses and the courses are meant to be very thought-provoking each course it's like signing up for a online class it's very extensive and each course has at least 25 videos with written documents per videos guided questions and it can uh can be a very therapeutic kind of resource for you we have already set connect about making healthy connections free to be finding yourself despite the controllers this is me about establishing your boundaries I also have a different format in my webinars and they're on the website surviving narcissism. TV they 90-minute presentations on various topics along with my articles access to my podcast books Etc so please we have plenty of resources make yourself available to that the narcissist is caught they're trapped inside their own spite um you don't have to go along with it I'm hoping you can decide I'm going to take a different path and in doing so it positions you to be a much more steady alternative and I hope that in the end you're able to find your piece that they're not able to share in but I do hope in fact that you are going to be a person of true peace

Channel: Surviving Narcissism

Views: 84,357

Keywords: can narcissists change, NPD, self esteem, covert narcissism, gaslighting, psychology, anger, passive aggressive

Id: -iRM2bcMzCQ

Length: 14min 36sec (876 seconds)

Published: Mon Mar 18 2024