This Past Weekend with Chris D'Elia | This Past Weekend #186

what's up you guys this is this past weekend this is this past weekend too many this is already here we go use Google Maps and my mom is somewhere else but when I found it our pet shop where it's been is too quiet for me dude these guys look like they're all the same guy by the way they're versions of the same guy this is Spy vs spy if they were a bath without that it's funky though huh and then what just fade it out funky though it's very funky it's very real people ish this is this past weekend in case you [ __ ] don't know an April Fool's [ __ ] April Fool's collective [ __ ] you understand this is this past weekend and that's Bishop gun shine and they kill it huh they kill it they look like the same dude three times in one band like some guy made a band like like Jesus Christ was like we got to make a band but I but I'm but it's late it's late in the day and I'm tired as [ __ ] so just use that three guy just use that one guy three times and that and what we gonna call them Bishop gun that's what we're gonna call them that's a real working man song working man's song there here we are at [ __ ] this past weekend and it's Chris D'Elia here and April Fool's on you [ __ ] so this is what's up man this is the episode of this past weekend here you got your guest host Chris D'Elia and I came here and let me tell you first of all my first impressions now I've done this podcast before with you as a guest but I don't think he's ever had a guest host right no this is me this is me and I'm here and first of all they got way too many computers on this [ __ ] right here there's two desks two computers and and I walk in it's always a hard to get into this place because they shoot the fighter in the kid here too and all I think they do the any time they try and capture somebody on To Catch a Predator they do it here in one of the rooms but I I get here and you know I I sit down and you know what this [ __ ] you know you know when you you know when you go to your friend's house like you hang out your fridge you hang out with your friend a lot you in uh in in in in class but then you go over his house and like you meet his family and [ __ ] and like you're like oh then it's there's a gonna overwhelming sense of smell and you're like that's what my [ __ ] friend really smells like that's what I feel right now in this podcast this [ __ ] is house Theo smells and it smells and I'm gonna tell you right now you know how we roast each other we'll roast each other all day long you know but this [ __ ] smells good dude Theo smells good as [ __ ] and I want you to know that no ro I don't give a [ __ ] dude this is how confident I am I'll come in here as a guest host I won't roast a dude I'll come in and tell you if you smell good you smell good this dude smells bonkers I'm being serious and the thing about Theo is maybe if you look at him like in passing you'd be like that guy smells probably janky as [ __ ] but he doesn't dude he doesn't smell janky as [ __ ] he's got a high ass like a black guy but he doesn't smell janky as [ __ ] Theo's ass is in his shoulders and that's a problem but he smells good as [ __ ] though this is how Theo wipes his ass like that hahaha and that's gangster but uh Theo looks like he would be in Bishop gun he looks like he's probably the DP of Bishop gon be like we gotta get another guy that looks like you but I think they're friends so shout-out to Bishop Gunn that's all kind of rocks that song pretty much rocks and I don't listen that kind of music but that that's like some pickup truck type kind of just cruising down the whatever freeway 942 freeway or whatever the [ __ ] some interstate that I've never heard of that goes on for way too long that they built in 1901 and you're just cruising along listen to some Bishop gun with your lady that's like a little too chubby but you love this [ __ ] out of her and the chubs are in the right areas too like she's a little bit pear-shaped but also on a good day when she boost those right areas up it feel it Lily you're like all right and the sun's coming down on the 942 freeway and you're just [ __ ] right there you're right there with them you're like sweetie let's get in the back of the can thing or whatever let's get in the back and just kill it there's too many belts in this room there's too many belts in this room and I'll tell you that much - there's the [ __ ] fighter in the kid belt which Theo won twice and then there's the fans like give them belts dude give them belts to take home from the road imagine like you got to take all this [ __ ] did I get art working all that and sometimes I get like cuff links I'm like things from my dogs and [ __ ] but he's got belts to it people just give him belts and he's got like chunky belts people who don't know who Theo is they give him [ __ ] chunky belts and he's just walking down walking through the airport with chunky belts haha dude he's like wearing a chunky belt with another chunky belt over his shoulder oh my god this past weekend man we're trying to get the code we see this is what this is this April Fool's cross-promotion type [ __ ] man we trying to bring the cults together I don't know if he'll calls you should have called my shits a legit cult dude and people think that our beef is real people just want be beef to be real all wrestlers beefs are real we're wrestlers I'm not saying it's not real or not but um yeah do it I drove here it's way too far by the way it's in like another it's in basically Sacramento this studio but this [ __ ] is uh you know this [ __ ] is good I'm on the road a lot and you know you pass comedians at the airport saw a comedian a little while ago on at the airport saw Alonzo Bodden saw Steve another comedian named Steve something can't remember his name and I definitely should remember his name but I can't remember his name but it's okay because you don't know who I was named I don't remember but never in it - never in it - Theo let me uh oh by the way when I got here I came with sushi and I was gonna eat it during the podcast to be super respectful being respectful being disrespectful is respectful like if I come to Theo's lair right and and we're just and I'm like okay I want to I'm a guest of the podcast but it's my podcast now this episode is my podcast but I'm a guest and I bring and I bring sushi and I eat it during the podcast people be like well that's really disrespectful why didn't he eat the sushi beforehand or after I did he did I did end up eating it beforehand but I wanted to eat it during him because that's the most respectful you could be me being comfortable in Theo's area is like accepting it's like in like Saudi Arabia when when when they're like oh when you mention you like something to a family and they have to give it to you you know we're like oh that's a nice pony and they're like it's yours and you're like no I know how am I gonna get it back to [ __ ] in Nebraska and they were like you have to take it otherwise we cut your hands off you know that's a real thing that they do you'd be like nice lamp and they say it's yours like not I want the lamp they say you take it order you die that's what they do in Saudi Arabia um and so you see so you can't say you're like stuff in Saudi Arabia otherwise you got to bring a lot of [ __ ] bags because they'll put the stuff in they see you say wow that's a beautiful painting they say open your arms and you say why and they say do it or to lose your hands and you say okay you open your arms they take the painting off of the wall and they put it in your arms and they say close your arms and they say bye and they say that the painting is thirty five thousand dollars you're welcome and say I don't want this is it get on the pony get the [ __ ] out of here and then you got a gallop with a [ __ ] painting off to the Saudi Arabia International Airport on a pony with a painting of like probably a pony you're on a pony with a painting of a pony that's like the most Saudi Arabian [ __ ] that's the most American American in Saudi Arabia [ __ ] you could do hey why do you listen to either of these podcasts by the way all we do is [ __ ] but we thank you for it we really do I love the fact that these comedians can come on these podcasts start a podcast by the way cheater Santino I have no idea what his real name is but he started a podcast a week ago and the guys are already charting that's great it proves that can meet have personality I don't know you know half the [ __ ] I say is is just you know [ __ ] and I know Theo too and chido Santino and whatever his real name is and byron Kallen and you know that big beefy boy over there but you know is what it is right you guys keep it mad cold in here too but you know I got my North Face jacket on because they sent it to me and that's very nice so shout out to North Face and yeah but you keep it cold and it's like ice hell in here but it's okay I wouldn't want it's probably a regular regulated thing I bet Theo feels like he has a real job to come in here you know like I do that [ __ ] in my house [ __ ] that dude if I could have a Comedy Store in my house and somehow not have it be creepy and have it be like where people would show up to my you know if people who like would want to come see my show wouldn't be creepy but they would show up to my house and I wouldn't have to worry about them like stabbing me or like taking pictures and [ __ ] I would do that I would keep I want to keep by the time I'm 65 if I I'm gonna have a Starbucks in my house I [ __ ] them I have a coffee bean in my house cuz Starbucks oh is it just straight-up awful and you know it but yeah so how about the people that are like majorly pissed off too about me doing one episode of this that I was just like you know I'm [ __ ] Thiele fan and not a Chris fan we can just go over to [ __ ] congratulations and you listen to Theo April [ __ ] fools that's some gangster [ __ ] Oh guess what dude exposing Theo guess what he uses a [ __ ] HP computer Oh Nick he's trying to take Nick's trying to take the rap it's mine it's mine shoutout okay shine dude you didn't shoot ok shine that was Diddy in the club do you know I'm talking about what's that [ __ ] I don't mean shine the song by Bishop gamma I got I mean shine the [ __ ] in the rap remember that rapper remember that rapper know you what are you [ __ ] you're like 31 all right so maybe not shine rapper you do write rapper he took the rap for P Diddy even though P Diddy shot the [ __ ] remember this [ __ ] this song is this that song that they do he uses an HP it straight up is the last one that's the last HP that ever came out and see I was like I'll take it and then he said to [ __ ] Nick Nick right he said hey if anybody ever asked just we police say that that shows you this one house this guy not biggie is what I want to know dude the best is the guy in the back that's just silly Radley Billy diddly diddly well the guy didn't know didn't know she they're like we want you on the what you want a truck he was like what you want me to do is like just [ __ ] around guys like alright so disrespectful [ __ ] literally diddly diddly well oh that's so gangster to be able to sing like that dude if I could sing like that do you understand if I could sing like that I wouldn't do anything but sing like that you know musicals how people just break out in songs and you just buy it and [ __ ] that's what I would do in real life and I would expect people to come back and do the [ __ ] other parts and they'd be like what are you doing [ __ ] and I would be like dude this is a musical shitty badly be literally literally with Little Italy oh say words I guess not though dude if you could sing that well why say words that's actually some genius [ __ ] shine went to jail because he [ __ ] took the rap when did he popped off the Glock when did he when diddily diddily diddily billy diddily diddily diddily popped off the Glock and shine said and i heard that did did he did it no I don't know no I don't know because when that happened I was 17 and I just there was barely the Internet because I'm 38 so but you know what was I even saying by the way before I got to the shine part I have no idea I have no [ __ ] idea what was I even saying see this is why by the way also feel I found out another expense so here's an HP and he does the podcast alone in his room do you know what that means he's crazy that's what that means you can't if you're in a room alone by the way it's what eight feet by four feet it's a cell it's a cell with artwork in it it's a cell with [ __ ] with boots and too many belts in it and a painting of Chris Farley it's a cell and he talks for an hour and 10 minutes in his cell and [ __ ] by himself nobody's in the room dude he did like four episodes with Nick and that's it all the other episodes that don't have guests in it gone gone it's just him gone is him out to lunch in his cell talking and just because he put cameras up he's not crazy bro I have people in my room you know how many people are in the room when I'm doing congratulations 45 to 60 people in the room are in the room and it's small as [ __ ] and we're all talked away like sardines but it doesn't matter dude because I'm not crazy one time I asked my dad when I was a kid you know when you're a kid and you like don't know really what words mean and you're just like and you're just like so curious about the world I had a park like that I would walk to and just walk into that park Janna called Brook Park I would just walk around in that Park and I would just kind of think about life you know at one time I tried to light a tree on fire and a cop came by and he was like hey this is kind of kind of kid I was dude I start I still I tried to light a tree on fire I wasn't trying to light the tree on actual fire okay but I I would I was with my buddy Matt ravenna and I put the [ __ ] lighter to the branch and I wanted to see if it would light and the cot there was a cop car in the park you know how a cop car the cops will just like do the [ __ ] what and that's it just to like you and you'll be oh god and always [ __ ] comes out a little bit of [ __ ] comes out always like if you're near if you're anywhere - if you're two blocks within [ __ ] this [ __ ] and you don't [ __ ] you're a [ __ ] robot congratulations you have circuits because that is the scarier there's nothing scary there there's nothing scarier than that dude there's nothing scarier than a cop car within two blocks going well and then you [ __ ] a little bit comes out and you go well that's just natural right unless you're a robot and then they're like did you [ __ ] yourself you know what yes but not me I am a robot so I tried to light this branch on fire and the cop pulled the [ __ ] Boop and I even know I was like [ __ ] eight and cops I didn't even know cops could drive on parks you know like I had no idea that a cop car could just drive up in a [ __ ] park next to a lake but of course okay they're cops right so my buddy made my preventing my buddy much of it I was like oh let's go face the music and he starts walking towards the cops and I walked the other way because always get away from cops do you know what I mean that's me so match Venom's like let's face the music and I was like uh deliberately deliberately DeLeo I'm gone dude I'm gone and then Matt goes like this hey Chris at the cop car and I was like yeah the cops are just watching me and he said you need to come here I was like what okay and I walked over and I was like hey and the cops were like hey what are you doing I was like oh well I just wanted to see if the branch would catch on fire but I realize that's a stupid idea now and he was like he can't be doing that I was like yeah I know actually and then you drove away out of the [ __ ] park it's funny how cops probably think they're super badass driving in a park like by the way I've been approached a few times in a in a park by a cop on a [ __ ] cop car they probably feel real gangster when they're rolling up cuz they're like we do [ __ ] we're outlaw [ __ ] right but then because they could do whatever they want but then they always look real die lows real dumb when a cars on grass I don't care who how cool you think you are that shit's bumpy as [ __ ] that's bumpiest [ __ ] you know the [ __ ] you're like knockin around and she and your fat cuz you're a cop cops are so fat always do it in LA the cops are jacked but in New York and New Jersey hey cop dude I mean eat a [ __ ] leaf for Christ's sake eat some grains dude these cops cops eat me dude you know I'm talking about like people will be like all cops eat doughnuts [ __ ] that they eat meat man I my cousin was a cop my my cousin my cousins dad was a cop was I made him a cop I think basically that's it but uh my cousin oh by the way dude if you don't listen to my podcast this is what it is dude I just [ __ ] never stuff I don't even know I was gonna make a point and then I started talking about shine then I started talking more cops in a park and then I started talking about this but my cousin was a yeah it never really comes back around it's like a [ __ ] it's like a movie you'd watch that at the end you'd be like what happened to the [ __ ] one guy that's like my podcast so anyway I get to the so I had I had a cousin named Jimmy and then I his his dad was a cop and his dad loved my grandma Carmela Italian I have a grandma Carm Z hahahaha so Italian she would make meatballs and they were [ __ ] so good but uh yeah she [Music] whatever she she she had a friend was a cop that was a there were cousins I guess while my cousin Jimmy he actually died he's dead now but not to bring a [ __ ] damper on the whole podcast but he um what do you call it oh god that guy wanted to be a bodybuilder so bad we went to Vegas once but it was really big and one time he was like hey you he was like did you do it death you ever do a death pool I was like huh and he was like yeah me and my brother we got a death pool I was like what is that and he was like [ __ ] it's actually [ __ ] cuz he is dead now so but he was like it was like me and my brother we we got a death pool going we add money every year and then whoever dies first the other person gets all the money I was like really that's morbid as [ __ ] and he was like yeah and I was like Jesus Christ I was like well how much do you put in every year and he said at $20 and I was like okay so alright so and he was like 27 at this time I was like when did you guys start it he was like two years ago said oh so you got and I'll never forget this I said oh so you got and he said it with me he said yeah forty dollars in there right now bro I'll never forget it - he was wearing a tank top that said Venice lifeguard ah nothing's more New Jersey then we're in a Venice lifeguard tank top that was like too low so it showed his [ __ ] titties you know and he was just like you ever do a death pool and I was like no cuz person and he was like yeah and I said oh well that's [ __ ] crazy man I was like well well where do you [ __ ] you not this is my family I said well where do you put the [ __ ] where do you uh where do you guys keep the money you know and he said ah he's got it [Music] we got he said we got in a safe place is that his house and I said yeah whoa uh do you know where it is and he said nah and I said whoa uh what if what if he dies first he's and he goes like this oh yeah I guess I shouldn't know where it is and I said yeah otherwise you won't ever get the money he said yeah he said I said well and they said I guess we should probably give it to my mom or something and I was like you're gonna give your mom that death pull money for her sons and he was I guess I said by the way you just started this you put like 20 bucks in a year when you die or if he dies he's in a yeah yeah I said how much gonna get he said I don't know a few thousand dollars Mike bro by the way he died when he was like 32 so his brother one [ __ ] a hundred and forty bucks not a good consolation imagine being like [ __ ] what's that what's that [ __ ] imagine a man I met just imagine the scene this [ __ ] imagine this [ __ ] are come on see this is why I need [ __ ] this is why you need another guy bro but this is imagine this [ __ ] just like this and you're like damn I can't believe I can't believe my brother died like yeah he was a good one huh yeah it was just like yeah that's [ __ ] horrible huh yeah ah damn just in his [ __ ] Venice tank top in his Venice lifeguard tank top just taking up one of the [ __ ] shoulder straps and just wiping his Italian eyeballs just all beefy so said him sorry ma and she goes and she says yeah we sure loved him didn't we by the way [Music] is that $140 oh [ __ ] oh yeah from the death pool right yeah Wow you know I tweeted the other day about how [ __ ] ridiculous bagpipes are like hey dude first of all bad pipes are ridiculous because you should definitely figure out a different way Scottish people to make it look every time a guy does bagpipes look at an octopus is attacking him okay this changes the look now bagpipes in any other instance but a funeral funeral funeral is a [ __ ] straight-up travesty bagpipes are hey hey Scots you doing with bagpipes but if someone dies that [ __ ] kicks ass and you know it you have so much respect if you [ __ ] play bagpipes the guy could literally they could literally Bill Cosby could die Harvey Weinstein could die they could [ __ ] kill any bad person or just die of old age and then all of a sudden during the funeral you'd be like okay well you know what honestly he wasn't so bad Wow um uh yeah do it Wow rest in peace Jimmy acres man I loved hanging out with that [ __ ] dude loved it I went to Vegas with him once and we came back and when we came back so I had what I used to do jujitsu for like years and I haven't done anymore you could kick my ass but um and I had this I had ringworm because you always got ringworm doing jujitsu and there was a gonna outbreak in the [ __ ] place and then we all got it anyway it was on my wrist and I had this [ __ ] yellow tape that I would put around my wrist so I wouldn't give it to other people when I shook their hands or you know their whoever the [ __ ] I don't want to give it to Jimmy so I wrapped it around but anyway so he was driving back from Las Vegas in my car [ __ ] I missed this guy man and and he came and and he was driving back from Vegas and I had that yellow gauze I looked at my cuz I never you know you ever go on your drivers on the passenger side of your car that shit's weird right that's like seeing your schoolteacher out somewhere besides school you're just like oh man this is the thing this is where people usually see my car oh you know and you think it's interesting even though you're a [ __ ] brain-dead idiot because that's not interesting it's just your [ __ ] three feet over so I was there and I was like it's kind of cool cool and we were on the 15 freeway or whatever the [ __ ] came back to Los Angeles and we got we were and I opened the drawer the driver's license license driver what do you call it the [ __ ] what'd he call that [ __ ] glove compartment so I opened it up and there's that yellow gauze that I had and I was like ah yeah [ __ ] I remember this it's like I wonder if I could I was like I bet Jimmy won't realize if I [ __ ] wrap that gauze all around my face I was like if I wrapped that girl was all around my face I wonder how long it'll take for him to notice that all that yellow gauze is wrapped around my face so I leaned my chair back a little bit took the gauze and I wrapped it all around my face I mean I look like a mummy dude and the only thing that was open were the eyes and I was chillin there bro I was chillin there for about about honestly 25 minutes and we were just listing the music he was changing stations and he was telling me stories dude about New Jersey and he had a tank top on for sure dude and and I was just yeah we were talking yeah I was like yeah that's true and he looked over me and he goes and he says oh damn you got will you got on your face and I was like Isaac I just wanna see how long it take you to notice and he was like oh no way how long has that been there and I was like I don't know like 25 minutes he's like really and I was like yep haha dude if you don't have friends you could do dumb boring [ __ ] like that with you ain't [ __ ] dude get yourself a Jimmy Akers man get yourself a friend with a death pool honestly dude get your friend get your do a death pool bro give you from hook your friends up with $140 when you die when you die hook your friends up with $140 that's that's that's so dope you know why because then they could go out to a nice dinner [ __ ] leaving people millions [ __ ] leaving people a hundred thousand 50k give them a nice dinner bro and I die all my friends are getting 140 bucks I got to put that in my will I gotta make a will I gotta make it will I'm gonna make a will but I think I might have one I'm not sure dude you know my mommy called me dude so yeah so we go so we got [ __ ] one fire dude I brought my crew with me I got one fire here I got Ivan get rid of and we got [ __ ] I'll tell you who we got here Vaughn theof on fire we got Vaughn fire that's you Nick you're not Nick [ __ ] that people know you people don't know who one fire is people don't know who Ivan get rid of is but they know who [ __ ] Vaughn fire is this straight-up German dude hello I am Vaughn fire would you like to guess host on this past weekend hello my name is Vaughn fire would you like to guess house on this past weekend would you like to guest host on this past week couldn't what Wow he was a very good man yeah we have to it must respect for him I was watching a speaking of like I was watching now what he call that movie gladiator with Russell Crowe dude how much is Russell Crowe by the way man when I when I was a kid I watched gladiator guess what I thought Russell Crowe is gonna be fat dude if you couldn't tell Russell Crowe is gonna be a fat guy when he got 60 I'll tell you what you want you truly you're one of the dumbest people in the [ __ ] world that guy looks like he was holding it in at 35 more than me eaten that you using that [ __ ] Metamucil that psyllium husk bro when I use that psyllium husk I keep that [ __ ] in one day later you let those [ __ ] Airy farts out bro so anyway oh yeah I was watching the gladiator that's one of those movies by the way you watch once it's great but that's it Braveheart once these are the movies once Green Mile once these are the movies dude Forrest Gump once once these people are so great look I did I'd have buddy in high school or uh yeah high school he would watch Braveheart all the time I brought how he's like it's my favorite movie I'm like yeah but dude how many times you gonna watch a guy get get his nuts cut off and scream freedom you [ __ ] weirdo watch a comedy ah watch swingers watch [ __ ] dodgeball I don't give a [ __ ] watch you know Big Daddy with Adam Sandler who [Music] anyway uh yeah so I saw this [ __ ] the other day let me get into this I'm having fun but let me get into this [ __ ] dude I saw this these ladies talking online um I've got to check out the one fire text I told it to him the angelic initiative this is crazy the angelic dude HP keyboards are like different they're like [ __ ] straight-up they have dip that did you know that the letter the letters are in different places yep they are and you're like what if he doesn't give a [ __ ] dude you know who made HP computers some guys they just some guys they will make HP computers over here oh yeah I got keys cool throw them on which way did they go it don't matter put that [ __ ] on there that's where you could put the G right there look there's his face look there's an R put the H and P together because that's our company do it so I check these these chicks online by the way if I ever have a daughter I'm gonna say I had a chick hey guys what you have I had to check alright so here we go these are the these two girls who are a celebra they're sitting in these white chairs and they always have their arms up and they talk like this and friends if you kill this recording we have so many backup first of all girl back up okay you're eating the microphone recorders going right now if you kill this recording all this other girl says is that is true that's true in weird ass creepy no never hits a note like when people talk its melodic as death done yeah I'm talking on this on that that's a [ __ ] be sharp this is an a-flat that's this that's a regular see she's like that's true that those aren't even notes dude this girl is a genius how she finds music alright so there's two ladies the microphones are taped on their [ __ ] shirts and they're sitting in deck like deck chairs and one girl they always have their arms up and they're just like reaching you can see on the video podcast but if you're just listening to it you won't and they just talked about I don't know me theory I'm friends if you kill this recording we have so many backup recorders going right now if you kill this recording like what is she oh she says a couple others I mean why would she be lying about that we have so many backup recordings here that is true okay hey how abou been that you think she's lying about backup recordings do you want to think about what it makes you look like because you're giving us the assignments to do this we're channeling in this is a bounce point always an echo point doesn't it make you look like you don't want to follow advice from wiser mines above you her arms have never been below her head by the way my friends in Planet Earth dating it's Saturday February 16th my friends in Planet Earth dating it's Saturday I was it 2019 okay in both fill in life and the Jamie body mind the authorized Souls remain only child bro authorized Souls okay keep WEP out of this girl's pantry both from the deeper I mean dude anybody saying authorized souls will murder you like straight-up think about that for real anybody using the words together authorized Souls like this girl says for sure she says manifesto for sure she says you know higher being no doubt for sure she says you know well let's just see what she says here denser dimensions and oh there we go dimensions other Souls from all of the dimensions as long as the souls are already contributing more to completing the search for truth assignments than they are taking or using or borrowing and search for truth resources since that's one of the foundational rules of the search for truth community not rules that by the way the other girl right now is saying oh if that's true bro what is this lady talking about who's filming this dude this is like the liberal version of [ __ ] the thought boyfriend that's like shooting the the girl eating [ __ ] pizza for her Instagram these presences have come up with but rules that have been given to these presences and these presences are charged with the responsibility of enforcing what girl's rules completing the assignments ourselves take use or borrow is a hallmark of the effort ask not what this project can do for us but ask what together we can do in all dimensions and for all categories have sent dude I mean oh my god imagine having dinner with this lady you'd be like hey I'm sorry I have to [ __ ] all over the table another go back that's true how are we going to clean this up when our hands have to be up in the air that's true some guy just comments under it that's true I mean somebody else wrote can't get enough of episode 651 like dude there's there's over a thousand episodes who gets passed are you guys looking at this or no you do know just dance inside of those dimensions what I mean do - who gets passed since that's what our soul contracts commit us to do is that's what our soul contracts commit us to do who gets passed that that's true that's true this topic of contributing is big in the search for truth effort right so real people we've been attempting to being helped by the way this video is six minutes that human society humans have stolen the planet that's true and therefore the solutions have to come from the humans also because nobody else has any resources what's doing on the other girl who just says that's true such a follower it's it's a it's a humans problem that the planet is [ __ ] up so it's the Pugh it's the humans that are gonna have to that's true that fix it that's true this girl if she was like straight up if she was straight up like kill somebody for me she'd be like that's true [ __ ] dude she would stab you you know what she would do pretend she's your friend just to if this lady said she pretend she's your friend and then [ __ ] stab you in the front and look at you in your eyes and you'd be like oh and she'd think I have to do it in the front because it's respectful and then you'd be like you killed me and she'd be like that's true throw you'd [ __ ] it [ __ ] and die how about that by the way I [ __ ] was listening just to you know prep a little bit for the podcast um this is what I heard [ __ ] Theo say on his last podcast which is crazy to me I'm just gonna play a little bit of it right here here we go ah and dude I'd never been to a NASCAR race hey what dude your hair though you've never what hey NASCAR is the thing where everybody from Louisiana goes and watches cars ride around and laps for 7,000 laps you've done that because of your face you'd never been to a NASCAR the [ __ ] that's like me saying I've never stepped inside of an All Saints what about your hair though dude that's that when I listened to it and it was the episode with [ __ ] Vaughn fire and I just I was all right you know what if he's gonna lie dude to his own people I'm out I'm out I stopped it and I [ __ ] pulled over and I sat for a little bit and I just went like this like how your mom like if you cheat on your girl how she looks Wow well I hope it was fun if that girl was next to him when Theo said that she'd be like that's not true well how dude I mean never been to a NASCAR if you were a transformer you would transform into one of those cars and it would say tied on the front okay he would say Castrol GT on your ass anyway dude I can't get enough of these ladies the angelic Initiative the angelic initiative every I mean there [Music] every episode over there's one where she's laying down Earth's foot dragging feet although that's true girl is talking to öland feet her problem feet have this feeling of just needing to shoosh the energy downward oh and I wonder if we merge in better for all of us these messages are about and we swish all of us to our right places if I mean they they couldn't sound more like they're [ __ ] about to yawn the whole time and if we're just trying to source you once more uh anyway dude dude should we take some of these things should we do these things these video or these starting up video the phone call messages right this is an HP but I'll figure it out this is an HP but I'll figure out this sound bored of it all these guys call in I guess you know if you listen to the [ __ ] thing what is it these are all all three of these are all four all six of these are things well what's the first two the first two are different ones okay cool alright cool and then I just comment on it yeah what up see oh this is first of all it's Chris Indianapolis went there did a show thank you I'm assuming you probably didn't come because you're a Thiel fan maybe you're not a crystal Lea fan but you should have came I was just there and you missed it and I'm sure Theo will be there at some point but it doesn't [ __ ] matter anyway because this is this past weekend right now with guest house Chris D'Elia April falls you asked about when do I listen to your podcast well never I listen to it about every morning before work but right now I'm listening to it on my way down to Georgia about to go meet up with my boys from Columbia Mississippi actually I met these fools on the hiking the Appalachian Trail all the way from Georgia to Maine 2,200 miles on foot six and a half months living out of my backpack listening to your podcast makes me feel like I'm hanging out with them because I can't always be with them obviously I'm living it in they live down in Mississippi but you just give me that same vibe that there's southern boys do and it warns my heart man not to get all soft on you or anything but hey man I appreciate everything you do and you can be inspiration for for everything in my life right now staying staying clean staying you know keeping off of the dark arts you know I'm saying but uh getting Goering brenna only wearing his shirt the whole time him only wearing a shirt no pants no underwear just a shirt dude I that that's first of all you got sweet on me dude you got sweet on me at the end so I couldn't [ __ ] roast you but dude so here's the thing man you're keeping clean and sober that's [ __ ] legit and I appreciate all fans okay now I'm not saying that you're my fan maybe you are maybe listen to me maybe you don't but you do this in a Theo so he appreciates that I know and I do appreciate all fans and that's awesome and I appreciate even people who aren't fans you're going through your own [ __ ] and maybe you talk [ __ ] you pop off on Twitter and I had to clap back and you know maybe you stepped into a Denny's I don't know but my point is with that message actually more of my point is Thea's asking who's listening and you replying that message and before it got sweet made me break the fourth wall to nobody okay I just looked at nothing and when ah you're cute though bro you really are cue from indie a police whoever the [ __ ] Indianapolis well what was the [ __ ] thing Gronkowski said Minnie Annapolis uh idiot hey Gronkowski hahaha CTE um dude Gronkowski's gonna be [ __ ] I know he's the besa he's great but do it when he's like 50 someone's gonna be like you want mayonnaise on your sandwich and he's just gonna be like 40 and just died that's how much CTE hates gonna have shout-out to Indianapolis Indian in Annapolis you're killing it that's very cool keeping it keeping it clean I keep it clean - I've never done drugs in my life never done drink and so we're just we're a lot alike except we don't drive down to Georgia I don't do that but you do that and that's that's your life keep it together and you're the man dude and put on some pants cuz you absolutely left that message is only a [ __ ] Bart Simpson shirt on hey we asked about the [ __ ] best worst weekend people describe why they had the best first weekend here we go first of all said way too many names in the beginning of that I would up the oh this is your boy Nick in Bryan Texas so many names said five words three of them were names hey guy hey Theo what's up its Nick I mean Bryan Texas Philip Steven Stacy so Robert we were just Vincent hanging and so dumb Antonio we ate some Vincent sushi and by the way already doubled up on names that's how dumb I am doubled up on name said six name said Vincent twice idiot never submitted I just want to hear that alright I'll be the judge of that bro okay [ __ ] Kreskin alright David Copperfield David Copperfield you're Jewish did the David Copperfield thing that [ __ ] was gangster dude let him die you know why he got a [ __ ] he what is he 98 no he did a lame joke and touched my ass let him die you know oh he's just gonna die what do you want what do you want to snap his neck ye dude if you're 96 you just be like okay yeah you [ __ ] touch my eyes you know George Bush is like all right I'm in a wheelchair I'm dead I'm dead tomorrow lady oq first child for a lot of you in the eyes of a child everybody feels like that but then so my wife's at the 36 grueling hours and hard labor and so finally they decided that she'd be better off of the feedback committee I don't think there's any shame in that of course not but she was so beautiful as you just can't see was a champion for everything and then the watcher hold my son our son it's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen the more in love with her than ever Wow then anyway I want to go on too long but yeah man have you never known how much you can love until you've looked into the eyes of your baby your baby anyways god bless you deal appreciate everything you do and if you could I don't know I'm dropping email or thumb I wanna send pictures into you just because damn it I like then why all right later I love this guy what if at the end he went psych I don't have a kid [ __ ] you doo doo doo poo if you'd like to make a call please hang up and try again um no that's [ __ ] Swedish [ __ ] man goddamn that's what everybody says ha when they have a kid you don't know love until you see your kid I want to be like you're the dark part of me wants to be like that so egotistical and that's so self-centered because it's a version of you but dude that's beautiful man that's [ __ ] cool to hear that guys genuine voice say that [ __ ] man Wow I know I'm not Theo but [ __ ] that you know what actually for this message I am because I'm gonna pretend like that was for me I needed to hear that bro and even though it's a little disappointing because it's not Theo [ __ ] he'll hear it too because he'll listen to this but that was that was awesome congratulations on your first child and that's really sweet and we hope you're a good dad man we do and also you know it's crazy to think about one day like that's so something first of all you can't go back on now you can't go back on not having kids you can't go back on having kids you have a kid you have kids that's it you made a [ __ ] baby and that [ __ ] came out of your girl's vagina and you got to take care of that [ __ ] and it's just crazy to think that one day one day dude I'm listening to you right now one day I'll have a kid and or two or three but not more than that because I'm not Mormon and uh I'll have a kid and I'll think about this message I'm all probably won think about it while the birth is happening because it'd be very weird but I'll think about it later and it's just crazy that you know Thea will never experienced that because you have to Louisville first of all look we get into a loving relationship with a woman and Theo so [ __ ] up and would never be able to hold that down for long enough not to mention would you know he's actually sterile which sucks but I know for a fact he's sterile but you have to get a girl to fall in love with you and how are you gonna do that because of just the whole face thing right so and also you're a Europe and I hate to say this on your own pockets but you're a goddamn liar right because of the whole [ __ ] NASCAR thing that you tried to we're gonna call that NASCAR gate is what we're gonna call it because that's a goddamn lie right so cuz your hair so long that some [ __ ] wives are like oh that's the Train I want on my dress for my wedding day when Theo goes to weddings Brides think he's trying to upstage them that's how long the Train on the back of his mullet is so you if you were real Theo you would have to [ __ ] work men just holding the sides of your mullet like you're a goddamn bride that if I had a mullet bro that's what I'm gonna do I'm gonna get a mullet for real and I'm gonna do that I'm gonna have guards just hold my hair when I walk to the comedy store just hold the [ __ ] out of it even if it's short just have them hold it who gives a [ __ ] alright cool we got general voice mails here poppin off right here anyway congratulations bro on the on the firstborn that's really great and don't be like oh I know everybody thinks that no man take your moment live in it that's really good you don't have to you don't have to feel you know you are it is special dude you're a special guy you had a [ __ ] special kid now it's time to do the work man and raise that [ __ ] great yo what's happening man it's Ryan from Truckee that's right there by Lake Tahoe made up a place announces Nearpod cabin I just wanted to say that this month I just hit four years clean nice no uh not that four years I would have never thought I could have done it but anyways I guess my question was I never thought you could either bro but that's not because I think negatively of you it's just cuz I didn't know you existed until now so the fact that you're doing it I do believe in you and now that I know you're a person I think you can keep going you went four years and every day's hard I guess you know I I don't know but I hear this I have a lot of friends in the program and [ __ ] like that and they get started oh my god super fast but the only thing is you kind of like reminds me myself back when I used to be going hard I mean so you know when we hang out Dana girl that is uh she still parties and your gear you're clean I get what you're saying and let's see a large white pool and do [ __ ] like that it and that's all it's good fun but I was just saying if you had any experience with that like if you just stopped going out to bars or so do go to bars and it's just boring being around I look drunk people or something like that so anyways people could touch on that really quick okay gang man have a good day bye so I know Theo very well and I know that he doesn't go to bars and because I know the reason why is because he's weird as [ __ ] dude and if you wanna like go eat after a comedy store after a comedy store sabe let's go eat be a bunch of us gonna eat fun people meet Bobby Lee whoever the [ __ ] we're all going to eat Bryan Callen and field will just be like oh man I gotta [ __ ] pack some bags and you'll be like what you're going to the airport early tomorrow it'll be like nah and you'll be like huh and then I'll just leave you be what [ __ ] bags you have to pack and I'll just be like Gang Gang and you're like he's just a weirdest [ __ ] one thing I know Theo won't go somewhere if you don't want theater go somewhere just invite him to that place that's the thing he has to show up dude we went to dinner recently a bunch of us me and cheeto Santino whatever his real name is and a bunch of other comedians that you've never [ __ ] heard of but are amazing I'm kidding you know you know but uh just and so he came and Theo came and and and we were like Theo's not gonna show up and he showed up and one of us said I can't remember who it was I don't think it was me it was like how much is gonna show up for 25 minutes and leave and sure enough that's what he did he showed up [ __ ] 35 minutes in ordered didn't wait for the food to come and left 25 minutes later then the food got there I ate it like a fat [ __ ] and and I was like why do you need to leave and he was like we forgot to do ads on our [ __ ] podcast man gotta go back and do ads like just do the ads when you do the [ __ ] podcast Gang Gang come on dude you didn't sit and eat [ __ ] we're all bullshitting we don't get together for dinner that much Judi was there for 25 minutes I gotta go drive over the west side man do my ads for like gray block pizza or some [ __ ] oh it's on the way to the beach what Beach [ __ ] how vague are your ads gray block pizza you know we got gray block pizza if you never had cheese and meat on some sort of dough before if you never had cheese and meat all crammed together like is it some Incubus concert that's not feel that's not feel be like you ever been to [ __ ] you've been an incubus concert to see people all crammed together that's what the the meat and cheese are like together like the cheese is your lady and you're the meat and you're taking into an incubus concert and you're just chilling on some dough but but and they're just about to play wish you were here and that's what you are you never have put that in your mouth that's an incubus concert in your mouth if you never did that you got to go to grey block pizza I'm not gonna give you the address but it's near the [ __ ] beach somewhere huh such a bad ad such a bad ad ha that's true it's a bad ad that's true through I don't mean to get all disrespectful on you but that's a bad add gray block peach sits in a gray building somewhere it's next to a tan [ __ ] bit nondescript building where they sell life insurance I think probably great people great black Petes are like oh this is everyone this is everyone at grey block pizza ad agency well at that the gray bought pizza when when they hear a Theo's ad for grab up is a this is it this is them this is every time and they go like this where is he hey why do you have this you're alone in a room talking for an hour in ten minutes don't have a knife behind you for [ __ ] sake what was I saying about the [ __ ] great black pizza yeah so anyway alright so what else we got another one for here we go CEO Vince from Boulder I just seen Chris D'Elia did I am universe with you [ __ ] dress is pretty weird I thought you were being you know a little hard on the guy he had a lot of that really did he's [ __ ] weird dude everything he wears I just he was like a Lily's like I'm kind of like punk rocker thing for babies yeah really you know eighties anyway that's right it not super impressed when you come into Boulder man no bro let me tell you something [ __ ] guy who goes to a crystally a show and thinks about what he wears and then leaves a message on a guy's phone that he doesn't know about it I'm not the weirdo go get yourself you know what dude hey you know what guy who whose money I now have go to the beach and get some [ __ ] gray block pizza find it find it also oh oh dude you rat that Boulder show oh dude you this guy's from Boulder right for was this before oh dude oh I'm so glad you brought this up dude you're in Boulder dude let me tell you something Boulder audiences are the [ __ ] worst you're the worst dude not in the party way San Diego is the worst in the [ __ ] whoo yeah Boulder get out of your own [ __ ] ass Boulder they would you were offended at everything this guy's offended with me dressing like a [ __ ] by the way look how my dress bro black-on-black dude I'm just like Jason Statham when he's not shooting I'm dressed like Jason's Jason Statham in between scenes on [ __ ] I Calvin and Hobbes or whatever the [ __ ] movie is [Laughter] Hobbes and Shaw did the I'm in between the rock days baby I'm dressed like Statham dude dude those crowds that Boulder were some to write about they were [ __ ] I hated those shows dude did to sold out did to sold out you're a part of it wow that's so funny you were in those audiences those were the worst they made them close to God that's so weird that you're from that show and those were the ones that I disliked maybe the most oh wow that's hot as [ __ ] what do you say he wasn't impressed bro let me tell you something you were impressed I have on [ __ ] Nike their air span twos and their desert their Desert Storm shoes bro what was I even wear by the way I literally had on jeans and a [ __ ] t-shirt you weird guy okay so anyway shout-out to you though five here we go hey Theo this is Blake from Texas you know man I'm calling about a comment you made on podcast a while ago about how you know you'll get oh you get a scent in your nose and it'll take you back to a time in your life I kind of had that on a bro that's just why was talking about when I sat here and [ __ ] smelled Theo how weird is that how beautiful is that I would come full circle you know how beautiful is that that we come full circle a business trip recently I'm up here and Winnipeg Canada right now been there loved Winnipeg Canada audiences by the way they [ __ ] rep every time I go to Winnipeg it's February and freezing move but you rep when on the plane right over they set me next to this real old Filipino lady I'm not lying dude okay well judging by where this come the way this message is going and with your accent it's good end up being racist so I sat next to who hey who are you king of the hill so I sat next to a Filipino lady on a plane and I didn't really know what was happening but I had this scent in my nose from when I was a kid and another Filipino lady and she smelled like that one do they all smell the same this old lady smelled exactly like the inside of my mom's purse okay racist that's that's gangster to have a nose like that though that's like a in an x-man that just like his power short-circuited wasn't like I'm doing nothing to help mankind but you smell like the inside of my mom's purse I know we need to catch the villains but you smell like the inside of my mom's purse and that does nothing for our mission but we still need to get magneto yes I understand but I can't get you you you're a [ __ ] you smell like a purse you know so it really brought me back my mom's been dead for about 12 years and sad and this old lady on my side whatever was I have anything do with it oh because this is mom's purse I'm stepping on her she don't and creepy I'm sniffing on this lady next to me in the end up on the plane and even though all the emotion she's bringing out of me Wow you know so and maybe it made me feel good you know and it made me think of my mom and it made me think you well that's real that's weird to me anything yeah I got a question for you hard you thought I'd call up and cool let you know man so it's Gang Gang I have a question for you what are you doing smelling the inside of your mom's purse mom yeah um are you going anywhere soon no okay ah smells like a Filipino lady smells like a Filipino lady in the future in an airplane in the future what if he just [ __ ] straight-up turned to the Filipino lady and said you smell like the inside of my dad mom's purse the lady would be like that's nice boom can you please remove him what what I do sir you're going to jail for weirdness they may what are you in here for um I told an old Filipino lady she smelled like the inside of my dad never mind I [ __ ] boys okay well you win no you do turn around oh boy this feels like the inside of my mom's purse and then they just realized that the guy's crazy and just can't stop talking about the guns your dick and my eyes feels like the inside of my mom's purse in my eyes are you Filipino we got the wrong guy here's another one hey what up do that's your boy Larry from Albuquerque New Mexico it you know nobody's ever met anybody what's up it's your boy didn't know you existed one the second ago what if he was like by the way I smelled the inside of that lady's purse didn't smell anything like that I smelled that Filipino didn't anything lacked I got dead moms inside of that come on purse dude a [ __ ] up scent that sends but you know I all of it and we're a couple weeks into the new year and I have a dilemma with my girl every time we have sex she's always trying to stick your tongue up in the butt crack hey man hey what what do you mean all waste tryna how do you constantly keep getting almost in that position if you don't want it hey dude if I don't like Western bagel I don't go near Western bagel if [ __ ] those bagels [ __ ] those bagels how about you stop grabbing your ankles in bed hey buddy stop putting your nose near your [ __ ] I don't like it yeah hey I got some for ya yeah you down this guy imagine this guy just [ __ ] sitting here just like this just like this hey no I can't stand no what I hate when people eat my [ __ ] in podcast rooms that's what I [ __ ] can't stand you know what I mean that [ __ ] bothers me right I can't stand when I'm in a [ __ ] 8x4 room with with with [ __ ] boots and belts in it and a painting of Chris Farley and guys eat my [ __ ] that's what I can't stand we gotta cut that out down way bro you like it man and that's okay I have an idea that he probably does this Chris bleep attorney type of uh I don't know anything for me as far as I can do with that oh I do I'm not appreciated man oh I do Oh gang gang oh I do dude go to a I've got an idea for you go to a construction site turn around and back up you'll get what you want you'll get what you want go to the closest firehouse knock on the door turn around and when you hear a backup I mean man it's okay dude I don't know how I keep getting in this position but oh man whatever dude I gotta go you know I don't know what the [ __ ] is wrong with you guys I love you but April Fool's we're all [ __ ] aren't we man I'm so [ __ ] what's that oh yeah we go out with some shine dude I'm so [ __ ] and that's okay we're all [ __ ] together aren't we because just remember deliver Yolo just remember diddly wad Leo Leo leo [Music] I'm just sitting on your front porch wondering how could I be so far from my home and my mind is somewhere else but when I found it I'll patch up where it's been grown now I'm just floating on the breeze and I feel up tall and like these leaves I must be honest oh oh but when I reach that round I'll share this peace of mind I can feel it in my thought it's gonna take a little time for me to slap that pocket break myself [Music] [Music]

Channel: Theo Von

Views: 585,081

Rating: 4.8870459 out of 5

Keywords: theo von, this past weekend, theo von podcast, theo vons this past weekend, tpw, ari shaffir, skeptic tank, joe rogan, jre, joe rogan experience, fighter and the kid, tfatk, brendan schaub, bryan callen, your moms house, tom segura, bert kreischer, joey diaz, bertcast, church of whats happening now, h3, ethan klein, bobby lee, tigerbelly, the comedy store, congratulations with chris delia, congratulations podcast, congrats pod, chris delia, april fools, crossover, podcasts

Id: mLyuC9DVID0

Length: 74min 34sec (4474 seconds)

Published: Mon Apr 01 2019

Reddit Comments

[u/OptimusSpud]

"Cheeto Santino, I don't know what his real name is..."

[u/sumeetg]

Best crossover episode ever.

[u/jwaves11]

His riff on Theo's Grey Block Pizza ad hahahaha

[u/Jhonopolis]

Theo has a high ass like a black guy. His ass is in his shoulders.

[u/ADozenArrows]

Jesus, the purse segment destroyed me. Chris did a great job on this April Fools podcast switcheroo

[u/minty901]

This was so fucking funny in parts. "smells like a filipino lady" had me in tears. As much as I love Theo, this episode was the winner today.

[u/kry77966]

Congratulations Kris Williams to you for being so nice to us come over and get to see what it was like in the big leagues of no soliciting. You are emo rock band legend great man. Blink 187 legendary

[u/[deleted]]

Too many this' already. Hahaha. Chrus is the best.

[u/Onemore1382]

Diddilybiddilypoppedofftheglock! Hahaha genius!