Congratulations Podcast w/ Chris D'Elia | EP100 - The Church of Kay (with Matt D'Elia)

this episode 100 of congratulations is brought to you by the cash app you already know that the cash shop is the number one app in finance but did you realize that you can get the most powerful debit card in the world with the cash apps cash card just select a boost in your cash app swipe the cash card and save 10% or more at Whole Foods Shake Shack chipotle taco bell chick-fil-a and all coffee shops around the country so we'll talk about that later on in the show and download the cash app for free on the App Store or Google Play market for the ads for the ads for the ads for the lads or the ads on the lads dude I'm Irish so look we are a little bit Irish so its episode 100 of us congrat of congratulations and so far for 99 episodes oops I've been doing it solo and I've been rolling on my dough low as rappers would say however episode 100 I thought of doing something special it's also it's gonna be Christmas tomorrow so I thought maybe we'll do something special and we'll get a guess now I tried to get Jung Claude Van Damme he said no obviously because there's no upside for him to do this up this podcast so my second option even though I probably would have wanted Steven Seagal or anybody so [ __ ] insulting no not insulting because you don't know any martial arts but I did bring I did ask my brother and my brother's name is Matt Thalia a lot of you guys know him a lot of you guys you know know I have a brother this is the one I talk about I talk about you know a lot of you guys like when I talk about you know my family I've noticed which I didn't know that was gonna be a thing on this podcast because you know getting personal is always a little bit weird especially when you're just sitting down talking about anything and now there's a hundred hours of that out there and I'm sure I said something incriminating and stuff that my family would hate me for but definitely my brother is here Matt Lee so welcome at the Lea and the one rule is he just kicked my foot that's not gonna be happen in this room no that's yeah I waited for you to sound like you were finally finishing okay because I've actually been listening to some of some of your podcasts all of it no not all of it definitely all of it because every time I do listen I think I've [ __ ] definitely heard that before okay right I say a lot of the things I say no you say the same things a lot really but basically what I realize is I'm gonna be first guest yeah it's gonna be my podcast for Magnus isn't knowing what I was when I was listening I was realizing I should have been the co-host from the very yeah you know you you actually might be right about that okay well that definitely okay yeah yeah I might be right about that because I think the forum but here's the other thing I think that it's it's too much we sound the same so I think that you're gonna have to watch the video podcast of this to see who the [ __ ] is talking cuz I think a lot of people say you sound like me and I sound like you but you selling me cuz I was first right timeline-wise no I actually I honestly don't even think we've sung that much alike really yeah we do we do we do yeah you're saying we do yeah you just they do but we don't sound that much alike we sound obviously a lite-brite I don't see how people actually looking mom actually gets confused yeah mom never mom only go what do you think the percentage is by the way of mom calls me you first or she calls you me first like she goes like this she'll be like kripp Matthew always well no it's for me it's a bit chromatic Bikram for Bill Matt yeah bill bill Chris Matt they start man you can buy a Bikram Act for yoga by the way yeah she's trying to sell me something vikrum vikrum at 99 for that so wait so so no she she'll I would say she probably does it 85% mmm honestly I think she probably I don't know what is that is there here when she says Matt mm-hm I'm surprised yeah yeah that's a that's how much that doesn't say Matt it's annoying and just get your ducks in a row mom do you know what I mean but so anyway dude this is my podcast and our podcast right now but like I don't really have an agenda and I don't like have a checklist thing that I go by because it's not as fun it's more fun to just kind of wing it most of the time sometimes I have like bullet points and [ __ ] but I don't this time because I figured if I love blaming stuff on other people as you know yeah yeah yeah so if this doesn't go well it's your fault all right yeah that's all good all right well I already but wait let's talk about the [ __ ] babies thing because we've been do we've been talking doing that forever yeah okay yeah like hello my baby's walking with today I know so I did that once or twice on the podcast and it like took this is one of the reasons why I wanted you on the on the thing because we talked about the fact I talked about the family people seem to like it a lot but yeah this is that's one of those things that I let the the audience kind of decide that it was going to be a thing yeah I mean yeah okay well you're a real man of the [ __ ] you gotta listen to your audience you gotta listen to your audience because they will tell you what they like is you only own 50% of what you of what you put out there because the audience owns out a 50% and then they let you know what it is and you can't be a dictator okay but the truth is yeah and that is the truth and you probably agree with this you would [ __ ] just do whatever you were gonna do anyway yeah that's true you were gonna talk about our family and then you were like they like when I talk about the family mmm so you think then you were like that fits I'm gonna [ __ ] talk about the family like anyway cuz you're never not gonna do the thing you were already gonna do that's true I do like to talk about the family and if I wanted to do that I would do that you would just do it yeah I'm addicted I'm addicted I'm addicted oh yeah actually yeah yeah yeah the the family thing now I think that with our family like when an outsider comes in mm-hmm they're usually [ __ ] shocked yeah the first time they're around all of us yeah because they they've never been in a situation where they like they can't get a word yeah we talk too much I can't say a word I guess they even want to I think that yeah well and yeah well also like my you know dad and mom talked so much that if they talked so much and then that we they created us so now we are beyond that bright out so they [ __ ] up yeah and on making us and now we just were blabber BOTS yeah we won't stop but oh really annoying yeah it's like time like a whole family of Vince Vaughn's but also but also I feel like people cuz like when we moved out to LA like people there's a whole thing like on the East Coast like when you call somebody an [ __ ] it's not they don't mean I mean they're a piece of [ __ ] you know what I mean yeah but in LA when you kill somebody [ __ ] they get offended yeah and that's weird to me yeah but I had to learn that like you're [ __ ] making somebody feel bad sometimes yeah and then I also and then on top of that I had to not give a [ __ ] and still do it right cuz I'm a bad guy yeah you are a bad guy I have a good heart but I have a good heart no you know what I was thinking about this is funny I was listening you were you were saying something you were saying something about Donald Trump the other day and I realized that you're [ __ ] basically Donald Trump hmm you're saying he's tall no well not the height he is tall okay but you can't disagree with that don't disagree with that got it so that's one that we're like okay are you saying I'm tall yeah no but you just say [ __ ] anything and then are like that's the best thing yeah okay you [ __ ] say anything on your [ __ ] podcast or in real life but especially on the podcast yeah and you are like [ __ ] that's the thing that I said yeah so it's the thing that is right to say I stand by it yeah yeah okay no yeah okay yeah that's what you're [ __ ] Donald Trump then well but I'm but here's the thing though the difference between me and Donald Trump is I'm doing it and it's comedy and he's doing it and he's president okay it's still really [ __ ] funny when he does it it is really funny dude I got to give him that I actually took that I actually stopped thinking about how I use [ __ ] phone is that my phone worst guest of all time [ __ ] yeah dude that's what you get I saw you on [ __ ] Brian Collins podcast [ __ ] texting and [ __ ] the switch I was texting you by the way okay well now I feel bad yeah okay so so Donald Trump so uh yeah I'm I'm I'm yeah it's not it's it is I took myself I was watching Donald Trump say something really you know silly and I was and I laughed and I thought wow if you don't think about how [ __ ] up everything is in the country and or not you [ __ ] support Donald Trump you know whatever that even taking that out yeah anything if if you don't realize all the [ __ ] up [ __ ] going on in the world if you don't think about that and you just look at him he's funny I would go further what he and say I'm a dragon would say I would say that even when you it's maybe especially when you're thinking if you're in the right mindset especially when you're thinking about how [ __ ] up the world it mm-hmm no that's true how many [ __ ] [ __ ] things you could be talking about right right and he's that's true hey it does make it funnier mocking gun right right right so like that is [ __ ] flies by the way [ __ ] look you can hate Donald Trump all you want or [ __ ] love him it doesn't really matter that's [ __ ] funny yes yeah [ __ ] yeah to do that I sorry you know yeah well no not but not sorry though I mean well I guess sorry yeah yeah I mean even if you hate him you have to say that is funny yeah and I hate him you you can do both yeah it's it's actually very disconcerting for me when people are unable to do both of yeah things yeah it's you're trying to not enjoy life it's one of those things yeah well as most people do but it's one of those things where you think one you think it's funny if you don't think about the world being [ __ ] up but then when you think about how [ __ ] up the world is it's even funnier but that's one of those things where when I say something yeah okay and I okay I'm in a little bit of hot water because I said it but if I stand behind it and say with more conviction then more people will believe it people like to follow my baby okay hang on [ __ ] Donald Trump you're making a point mate wrong yeah okay you know from I know and looking cool I honestly didn't know Donald Trump was my brother I'm like no I'm the good I'm the good I'm no good we're both tall and I'm the good Donald Trump okay and that's that and that's what you're saying obviously all right um so yeah and thank you you're welcome and I want you to figure out if you want that zipped up or not zipped up and then we're gonna don't want you to figure out why it's this temperature is a and room well you have a [ __ ] to let you have it's going back and forth it's cold and then no it's not what happens is you probably have HIV or something and you're you're just like [ __ ] Tom Hanks in Philadelphia dude no I'll tell you something about okay go ahead finish [ __ ] roasting me and no no no no I'm not roasting you but you know a little bit you're dressed like Tom Hanks in Philadelphia and that's fine you just don't have the [ __ ] now one fire is pointing at the fan there's nobody on and that's why he's one color because it's already on good produce it's already a producer that's already on we have one of those [ __ ] silent dice it just has a hole in it that's not a [ __ ] fan that had itself a [ __ ] thing with a big hole yeah it's like a yeah oh yeah I feel it yeah okay so there you go yeah I don't even know it's not going up or down oh I put the timer on that's why I can put it to five there we go it's on five no no no it doesn't cuz you could just hear it on the podcast and that's fine because then you know what I'm talking about but it's best to show up to the [ __ ] thing how you're gonna be and then just that's how you're gonna be yeah on my podcast which this now is it's not the rule anymore okay okay oh one part was saying make it oscillate is what I meant that's a that's a really good idea [ __ ] so wanted to say I didn't know yeah learned I learned the word officer here yeah so what do I do hit this [ __ ] thing with the arrows or what or auto [ __ ] this fan dude what do you think oscillate is there it's oscillating I'm engineer [ __ ] look oh now it's going to [ __ ] want fire okay there we go it's that you feel that yeah okay good so um so what so what so those are actually really cool socks thank you yeah you know me I'm mr. sock guy so yeah I know I like these socks you know what you're not really into fashion so much huh no I mean you definitely have your style which is awesome you have a good style thank you and it's it's definitely you yeah and you do you dress you know what you dress like somebody that would be in [ __ ] in an image in the Jughead comics huh you do the cool guy that gets the girls yes and it's a bad thing no I Jughead would be like how come I can't get the girl from him and that's how you dress right well I do I wouldn't say I were the same thing every day but I do basically yeah I wear I never wear anything book or open yeah that's [ __ ] weird okay I'm finished and I also like I'd like to I like it when my at least two things are the same color on my body okay so yeah that's super [ __ ] uncle vignette it's terrible it's honestly [ __ ] terrible yeah I don't like it I don't like I used to do a lot more [ __ ] like that and I put all that [ __ ] crazy person energy only into this you know what's cool is for sure there's only two of us siblings here my mom and my dad had two of us hmm I know I they rang all the OCD out on me hmm and then there was like the little quirk left that was left over that's what you got and you're just like which is which is better because you know you're crazy in your own way but now CD wise no but you're like okay so you're this how far you go you're like I like to work to the same colors so you so you [ __ ] idiot yeah but that's all good so but so you do so you have your you put you all so this is something that it's like I've I feel like you're like you feel bad about like you feel deeply bad this is something I admire about you sorry what sorry about the zipper you feel deeply bad about her hurting people's feelings mmm like deeply I feel like you're like hyper [ __ ] feel badly about them yeah I'm very yeah I'm very empathic whether I like it or not am I like that absolutely not no no I got all that mm I got all that so I think it's okay though CD [ __ ] yeah you know what actually this is interesting I actually wanted this is this is the one thing I wanted to talk about really this yeah cuz it's Christmas yeah it's a [ __ ] scary world out there and we're all gonna see our [ __ ] families mm-hmm that can be very dreadful it can be scary mm-hmm and you know if you're like me very empathic you you're even feeling bad even if you feel good and then somebody comes up and they're in a bad mood you're like oh now yeah and then you feel bad because someone else felt bad that's not a good way to live your life right so I have a lot of experience with feeling really bad right okay so so I have a lot of experience feeling really bad hmm I figured out how to never feel bad oh do you no no but I think you're wrong already no I think you might even agree to be honest okay this is like some real [ __ ] this is real this is it's real okay so one thing you can tell about something that's gonna be realized if somebody says this is real no but I preface it like that because I [ __ ] know okay when the right when I say it people are gonna think I'm not serious okay like imagine the [ __ ] mean that's my whole life the first [ __ ] guy that was like yeah rub two woods together and it's fire well you could just demonstrate right I know but you say that the guys like no you can then the guy doesn't you know I mean they're not talking cuz you're like man but your church or today okay so but it's like the first guy that was like when you come in a girl that makes a baby well no you could just demonstrate that okay so I was like this guy died you know the geez like the Christian you like and you're [ __ ] crazy guy right so but then some people now look around the world hey man look around the world right a lot of churches right yeah somebody believed it right and so it must have [ __ ] worked for somebody yeah okay I'm not religious it's not why but we should start a church I do well yeah and it this could be its foul guess you know [ __ ] tenet okay this is [ __ ] real [ __ ] okay this is for any time you're gonna feel you might feel bad someone makes you feel bad all throughout every day it's bad [ __ ] you look at the news bat [ __ ] you think about your feelings bad [ __ ] you think about what people think you bad [ __ ] only bad [ __ ] always only all the time bad [ __ ] right mm-hm sometimes it's like okay yeah rarely is it [ __ ] great I can make it well if you're coming right you know that's rare though it's like 3 X 7 seconds of coming versus 23 hours and 59 minutes of non [ __ ] 47 seconds that's a good amount and I was even right actually we got around okay and anyway so okay it's actually you so in any situation like this it's sort of like all-purpose right you the student is an example first say I'm wondering if it's taking you too goddamn long to say I know it is that's part of how do you make how you make sure people know you're [ __ ] sure that's true that's true I guess that's a good point you ever listen to anybody and be a serious talk yeah this is how your name PR it was the 33 minutes before the make a point so true right is it true that monkey is you know the mean in your leg off yeah yeah yeah you can take a break in the middle and just [ __ ] pick back up at the end but you can't do that now cuz all of it matters okay so say something that I won't like okay hold on you have to say I have to actually have to know I'm not gonna like it so hold on before you do it because you know me very well you can say something about me that you know I won't like it has to be something you know I won't like in in real life or just may not to say something it doesn't have to be about yeah I got you remind me of something I don't like okay [ __ ] whatever so hold on I'm gonna I'm gonna you're gonna say it yeah I'm gonna say the way you respond and then no matter what it is you don't feel bad anymore you're gonna say okay okay okay yeah doesn't it suck that everyone you know is gonna be dead it can't be a question oh okay hey everyone you know is gonna be dead one day okay so yes No okay that was a terrible thing to say yeah every every [ __ ] person I've ever known yeah is gonna die yeah okay you just say kka why yeah yeah okay like okay no it's not I mean yeah no but that's the word you're you're you're not just saying okay I'm like poaching fear that yeah yeah yeah okay okay yeah but here's the thing you could say it a different way to write say something like alright okay so I got one so uh yeah the [ __ ] it sucks my my house was in the Malibu fires and it burned down okay yeah that's I mean I would I love that see oh okay so I love that two for two no here's the thing of for real though you could do it about anything your [ __ ] Christmas and writing your mom is like needling you how come you don't yeah you don't have a girl and I think that it's gay you're getting it's getting you're getting too old and you're not gonna be able to be a good dad you're gonna be too old to be a dad okay fair enough right like you could say it right you could say other words with Kay okay but then the mom might be like what do you mean no you know it's not for her yeah they say the shitty mom so you feel better when you do it's for yeah yes bring I cares about other people I get it who would you do that's the whole [ __ ] point okay not is okay right okay so that's the thing right I used to [ __ ] brood all day yeah this is serious talk to anybody on no [ __ ] one fire knows anybody my [ __ ] life that knows me well enough is in my life for the last eight months knows what happened yeah and that's what happened okay yeah I I love really like that yeah it'll work honestly everyone's gonna be like either haha you know what does he talk about just honestly just please try it please try it you're gonna be with your family anyway watch your [ __ ] twitch now about it yes I probably do some videos and I will I will say it's probably has something it's probably like the d'haran Brown thing yeah well it could be you're interrupting something that's very like a handshake just okay and they're like what and they policy it also does it to your own brain though you can surprise yourself if you do it enough you you bury it in the [ __ ] cerebellum part of the brain of a scientist I'm a scientist I know okay so you bury it in the cerebellum so it's just yeah okay okay so it's sort of like it's freeing it's it is it definitely is friend it's gonna put meditation out of business okay yeah Wow cuz you don't need it anymore i I agree is the same thing agree it does do the same thing it might not do it as well but maybe if you get maybe if you get a sort of like on a roll with it again it could be the kind of a thing like the Church of Kay right yeah exactly I just think people need to do it and learn it's not like you can really explain it I showed you all but it's not the same until you'd really do it mm-hmm III think that we should do that I'm gonna start doing that yeah yeah you know I know you've been saying Kay a lot and text changes and stuff like that it's yeah I'm really I'm evangelizing that's cool that's very cool that's it's very [ __ ] to do it that way yeah by the way yeah but sometimes if somebody was like how my mom just died okay yeah that's so rude well but it's free but it is for you yeah but also if you're gonna get into a like somebody's [ __ ] with you yeah but you would have [ __ ] hey yeah not gonna happen right right okay that is true way you know what Darren brown was saying that one time he was going to get in a fight and the guy said the guy was like you want to [ __ ] fight and he said something like yeah I think the wall around my house is about four feet tall but it might be my not yeah I said I'm stay there yeah yeah yeah I'm that a very similar dumb brain yeah well you yeah okay sure everything about this cake yeah how do you feel oh yeah I feel good because you know maybe I didn't agree with you even I just said Kay it was freeing it was a freeing thing yeah it's for you man Wow it doesn't matter if I even hear it Wow dude and and but so then how do you feel about how we look oh nice [ __ ] segue but because I want at the monitor and I think I look [ __ ] like pretty like good in this in and I think that you maybe look like a like the hair like like me but I did heroin for a long time yeah I think I think I agree with that well you look healthy it looks like you do heroin but also eat fruit okay there you go Wow feel good yeah it also would make me mad if somebody kept doing it maybe you have to do it sparingly or no or it's just for you you do it quiet it makes me less a little less mad if the microphone wasn't here you wouldn't even [ __ ] I know it'd be for you so you could go under your breath but so so we both agree what like I'm like I look like you if I if we put them if you put the mask on if Jim Carrey you put the mask on like if I get smoked in they go like oh that's Matt D'Elia with the mask on look if I put on a yellow suit and end end also your [ __ ] socks they'd be like whoa Matt's [ __ ] you know I'm saying what's the [ __ ] what's that song from the [ __ ] mask Cuban Pete oh wow yes so fast with it yeah they call me Cuban Pete I'm the king of the Rumba be in veneto Jake ticky boom Chicka Chicka Boom Chicka Chicka Boom dude let me tell you something dude that [ __ ] how goddamn funny is Jim Carrey he's definitely extremely underrated well he's so hot but that's not enough okay he puts me on the floor he's so [ __ ] funny that it's [ __ ] yeah he is because there's layers right like there's this subtle funny that's very hard to do because you have to be subtle enough and not go overboard if you're totally doing some subtle yeah right then there's the silly kind of [ __ ] that like I don't know if you're a fan of like you know certain people like Will Ferrell or Ryan Reynolds or whoever they do silly movies and they do this stuff they fall on the floor or whatever yeah that's hard as well yes but then there's the Jim Carrey [ __ ] which is so if he did it a hair off it would just be obnoxious dunno I'm talking about but he does it he does it all wholeheartedly he puts all of himself into it but also he has the talent and the way he's on that wavelength it's just it is brave I hate when people say this [ __ ] but it's just it's just the ultimate maximum level of funny and if anybody [ __ ] disagrees with me I go like this okay yeah yeah because now we're talking I mean he's them for me I mean obviously he already is although oh yeah a funny person yeah he's the most committed human being yeah a human being that is true even with everything yeah yeah I mean you seem on a talk show he's like [ __ ] I know standing on the chair I know two seconds I love that and I remember when we were younger mom used to be like cuz I used to love Jim Carrey or I mean I do love to have a people my mom would be like she knew I was such a big fan of Jim Carrey and then we would see like him on late-night TV but because we would watch like the [ __ ] interviews and [ __ ] or whatever the [ __ ] that we would see somebody else on late-night that was like the cool guy funny like more like charismatic funny like like I don't I don't know I'm charismatic you don't mind me no I wasn't you because you were [ __ ] six and you weren't on Letterman without a bit but I heard so let me hear you something did you poop your pants so what's going around in their life I did poopy so so so she would say see you know Chris you don't always have to do all that crazy stuff you can just be me it's much funnier to just be like that yeah about non Jim Carrey yeah I mean she liked Jim Carrey but like but it was weird - is that mom's favorite [ __ ] comedian you know who it is right oh actually I do yeah Sinbad yes yeah she loves Sinbad and Sinbad is also one of the [ __ ] he is so funny he's [ __ ] really funny yeah so uh so oh by the way I saw Sinbad on a flight one said he goes like that he's like what's up Chris and I was like oh what's up I was just happy that he even knew who I was and he had a [ __ ] leopard print kerchief with him where was it on the plane now where was the kerchief where was he carrying it was all on the plane but like yeah I'm kidding he had it on his knee just wait just like he's doing a [ __ ] magic trick yeah hey Chris what's going on you want to be as I am [ __ ] were there already dude he it was so amazing that he had that oh dude and that's the story Sinbad that's it the pirate or him yeah okay worse that right there was the worst five seconds about any podcaster I ever seen in my life Sinbad yeah sorry I just saw words and I got distracted no reading no it's okay a barracuda a [ __ ] barracuda okay let's do some ads here and you're gonna [ __ ] [ __ ] through it like a [ __ ] good brother okay okay there you go wow that one so it's so obnoxious actually okay look I got to [ __ ] ads because it's Christmas and you're gonna sit through them and you're a baby and you're not anyway if your baby and you listen to it you're not gonna [ __ ] rewind you're not gonna fast-forward through it okay I know that sometimes you hit the fast-forward button you're not gonna do that it's Christmas I'm doing two of them so you're gonna listen to them and that's it SeatGeek getting tickets online can be far too complicated you know that with hundreds of sites and varying levels of real reliability it's hard to know who to trust that's why SeatGeek is the way to go SeatGeek pulls millions of tickets into one place so you can easily find the seats you want for a price you're willing to pay there's nothing quite like being there in person and SeatGeek will get you closer to the action for a great value SeatGeek is designed to make your ticket buying experience easier than ever by searching multiple ticket sites and grading every ticket based on value SeatGeek helps you immediately identify the best seats that fit your budget Matt did it for the band puddle of mud and it really worked out plus every purchase is fully guaranteed that happened with Matt when he went to go see stained so you can shop for tickets on SeatGeek with confidence and makes you geek your go-to ticket source for everything from sports concert to come in theater or for if you're mad you want to go see who it's Hoobastank using SeatGeek I have this app on my phone it comes in handy best of all my listeners get $10 off their first SeatGeek purchase just download the CQ gap and enter promo code Congrats today that's promo code congrats for $10 off your first seat gig purchase SeatGeek life's an event we have tickets cash up you already know the cash app is the number one app in finance but did you realize that you can get the most powerful debit card in the world with cash apps cash card the cash card comes with boosts a feature you can't get anywhere else because cash app invented it just select a boost in your cash app swipe the cash card and save 10% or more at Whole Foods shake check Chipotle Taco Bell chick-fil-a and all coffee shops around the country the coffee shop boost takes $1 off at any coffee shop including Dunkin and Starbucks drink a hundred cups per year save $100 is that simp become a part of the greatest rewards program ever and download the cash app now it's the number one app for reason and cash card is the only debit card with boosts and of course when you download the cash app and enter the referral code congrats you'll receive $5 and the cash app will send $5 to the times up Legal Defense Fund visit the App Store or Google Play market and download the cash app I love the cash app I use it to pay back everybody I pay back my friends my foes I pay back acquaintances and I also pay I pay back one time I pay back a lizard that had to catch up that's how easy it is and Matt paid me back for the puddle of mud tickets when we used it to get on the cat on the on the couch op so anyway ok ok hey man what now I like this song turn it lower for sure okay you just have that's violent is very violent it's very violent and forgot about it so I had to [ __ ] make use of it yeah why you forgot about it because the [ __ ] the conversation we have is so riveting right so in - yeah you know - so rhythm but still speaking of that's awesome you want more loads that Scarface I like that yeah it was Scarface okay we talked about how you are as a host yeah okay [ __ ] bad no yeah because I'm so now I texted you have with this okay yeah yeah no that's that's exactly good right then why am i bad host I texted you a couple days ago okay how do you want to do this yeah no response yeah there's never been a guest do you have any ideas not what you want to do I texted you that and you responded I'll think nothing I said I said let me know I'm down for whatever you said okay write two letters and we're good and we're good hey one fire it's fine dude how [ __ ] is he now that he has the [ __ ] controls he's like you know [ __ ] with it and [ __ ] dude I here's the thing man when you find out what you want to do in your life you just do it you do it you don't do any extra [ __ ] people do all this extra [ __ ] [ __ ] do it I'm just smooth sailing I'm down for a silly goose time and that's it what I don't want to do is print some [ __ ] out that's what I don't want to do yeah yeah yeah so what other [ __ ] did they do though what besides print [ __ ] out you're saying like what extra [ __ ] yeah oh yeah well print [ __ ] out to the main one all right like an environmental thing or you just no no no like you're just like like like when they any time anybody makes a list with one of those [ __ ] dots on it and then what to do and then another dot and then what to do yeah get the [ __ ] out of town do it got far out of town put a vest with a bunch of pockets on you know the rest okay I mean everything just fits but I bent it put a vest with a bunch of pockets on it and you know the rest there we go okay I thought it was gonna stop but it didn't it made you're gonna get in a man and I'm mad it's all good with big cotton balls stuffed in your nose well it sounds so [ __ ] nasal I was sick when I did that one yeah and there we go he knows his brother and he knows his brother babies and it's fine malfunctioning so what do you think of hip-hop oh well I used to love all I know now I don't love hip-hop how come I don't know what's happening yeah ever I know what is happening well I don't know how about that dude well I don't get it well it's fine and some of its good but I feel myself like having to [ __ ] like it having to pretend to like it because it's what's in like you know what I was I was watching I was watching that Eminem and it was like he just does the thing that he does and he's been doing it for so long and hip-hop has definitely changed but it's like what it's changed into his not something I like but that's what happens with every [ __ ] generation yes now that I'm 38 and you're [ __ ] you're 21 22 yeah I just turned 22 um yeah it just [ __ ] he's not out there just so because if somebody don't realize that we're joking but yeah no I'm not 22 yeah what what I just feel old like but that doesn't just happen with hip-hop though [ __ ] all happens with everything oh cool no but really I feel like that would you know so many things I feel 30 years older than really cuz shit's just it's going everything's going way too fast right now yeah well people probably getting older quicker because of that there now because of the exponential [ __ ] with the technology and all that nice you know what I mean yeah but I'm [ __ ] smart you know I say stuff like that and I shut it down no I don't know if you're smart well honestly when people ask me about what I'm like in regards to you I say I'm like you but smart no do you say you [ __ ] or the string bean version of me no the only word that would be true by though and it would be okay if I said it but also it says weird you don't wear jeans bro don't like jeans you why don't like to have them [ __ ] touching my legs okay so that's the kind of [ __ ] that I do so that's Donald Trump no its but I'm not standing here saying don't worry no one should wear jeans that's what you should ease our four rapists well I don't know that but no you don't they but like but I will say something blankets say something I bet more people more more people have performed rapes while wearing jeans than than any other kinds of pants maybe shorts though that seems like a rapist there's definitely cargo shorts number one rape for sure no you know what most rapists in history wearing yes I do oakley sunglasses absolutely nothing because most rapists were around way before clothes oh okay well I'm talking about the current situation of it gotcha technicality oh please Sangha and I think I won that one oakley sunglasses yeah well that yeah but yeah I don't like how you had to take it all [ __ ] smart in in it to a new historic level I'm a scientist and an anthropologist and a lot of [ __ ] like that other [ __ ] like that [ __ ] went downhill so quickly no I'm I'm a scientist I'm an anthropologist and a lot of [ __ ] like that oh not [ __ ] respect well I'm a geneticist that I [ __ ] know I am oh but not you don't know you're the other ones know that I'm positive up but you know you're a geneticist no no I'm a geneticist everyday okay and you're an anthropologist how often a week like five five or six days and you're a scientist seven days a week yeah yeah so you're a scientist as much as you're a geneticist yeah those are the two big ones and by the way what we're doing right now is the worst version of what happened on Costello ever did it's also what we do all the [ __ ] I know I'm always I mean I'll just [ __ ] text you I'm Tim I'm [ __ ] you never I'm [ __ ] buffer than I used to be though and you never really [ __ ] address that you never [ __ ] say anything about that you never say like Chris your looking big and beefy but and that's [ __ ] honestly very weird yeah I don't say that how come I don't think about bigness and beefiness bogan when I'm faced with it okay well so you're not observant then I observe it I'm just thinking about [ __ ] I'd rather be thing so how quickly if I'm beefy if I'm beefier than I've been to when I walk into effets though because that's what it is it's beef Dinty Moore the I do can ramen things no no no so I'm beefy a little bit bigger than I have been and that's the [ __ ] Rollerson just say that but it's the elephant in the room okay now when I when you see me after a few weeks and when I've been on the road and I come back and I'm a little bit beefier how quickly does that go through your brain if you're observant how quickly does it go through brain like a [ __ ] breeze through a screen door okay goes right through because I don't give a [ __ ] okay but you do register it know so you know you're not observant then it's either or I got you [ __ ] pissed now dude all right all right okay you know wait hold on do I mean [ __ ] submission do it if it's not on [ __ ] call you know because it's too far it's too far we have a little table I know we have a little two [ __ ] dude always talking about beefiness dude yeah but you'd be like if you talked about a longer you'd be like in it's beefy sucking a dick no [ __ ] gymnast I know thank you I'm a gymnast seven days a week but gymnast as much as you are a scientist so together we could do a lot of [ __ ] for for the world yeah yeah yeah so what what do you what do you want to [ __ ] talk about I know you did the K thing and I agree and I get it oh I know what I want to talk about okay oh dude oh no don't [ __ ] talk about okay I'm gonna [ __ ] rock you know I made a joke earlier about how this is my podcast no it's not okay well that was quick it was for heavy [ __ ] nine almost 40 minutes okay I [ __ ] I'm gonna have my own [ __ ] podcast okay and one I don't like how you gave him a sound board by the way oh I insisted it okay I insisted then I like that a little better and I definitely knew you wouldn't like it and that problem a cue like it even more it makes me like I like how much I don't like it I gotta be honest because I like when somebody is committed about their [ __ ] and it's committed and it's I like it it's interesting it's interesting it's interesting so Cocteau say it's interesting it's interesting because it that is kind of like kind of like the idea of the [ __ ] podcast and I want to [ __ ] give too much away it's gonna be the best podcast okay well better than your podcast okay okay is it a comedy podcast or a regular podcast if I feel [ __ ] funny it'll be [ __ ] hilarious alright okay I will probably be feeling funny on any given day so god damn foreign I will probably be feeling funny and a given on any given goddamn day all right you talked you actually learning English fine now that I finally listened to your [ __ ] podcast I heard you talk a little bit about how people don't [ __ ] talk to each other enough and that's probably because that's one thing we always [ __ ] talk about okay people shouting each other down and then they get on the [ __ ] fringes and then yeah and talk to each other and they're in their coach chamber what they're [ __ ] saying yeah that sucks right and I feel like people don't know how to argue anymore because arguing is [ __ ] really fun and I don't see people having fun doing that yeah true you know I mean and so argue to me arguing is the most fun thing either lose an argument really badly yeah then not being one okay I mean sure and I just feel like the conversations that I am hearing people aren't [ __ ] talking to each other and I want to be able to [ __ ] have anybody anybody who's been sort of maybe sidelined or doesn't have a [ __ ] voice to talk about the main [ __ ] right mm-hmm the way you put it was [ __ ] way better than me why don't you pitch my [ __ ] podcast for me dude like Brett Favre yeah pitch it well he's not a pitcher he's a football player well I don't know but you said no but no but Brett Favre is what happened that what happened to him oh it would be a podcast oh yeah he would be yeah so you so it's okay to talk about what it is yeah I guess okay all right so it's a podcast where you I put it well you think now I'm gonna talk about okay so that's what parka is good for you can [ __ ] it up and I be like wait that's true at another point you're gonna interview people that have fallen from grace that have had crazy wild things happen to them that are now are being shamed like Anthony Weiner or I mean you talk about shame on here yeah right I do yeah yeah but so you want to interview those people because a lot of those people they don't get the the the the the the the media won't interview those people because they don't want to give them a platform yeah which I think that's doing a disservice to conversation in the world because you're not getting everybody talking with each other yeah and these fringe people don't get to talk about their ideas and get them [ __ ] put in their place because the only interviews that they're doing are people not in the media that don't know what the [ __ ] they're talking about and so they'll take an interview and a guy like who the was ago to cowboy hat the white guy would think yeah okay you were talking about oh no I'm sorry I'm thinking about am i thinking about the [ __ ] adult right guy he doesn't work have a hat but Richard Spencer Jesse yes yes yes Richard Spencer professor should wear [ __ ] : yeah he should that's why I thought he was working yeah so he he he I mean CNN won't interview him so so the people who do interview him are not the leading people and then he'll walk all over those people because his arguments are [ __ ] well thought out whether or not you agree with them with yeah yeah yeah obviously I mean in general I just want ideas that people sort of kick to the side to get out in the [ __ ] open and to be able to talk about anything and [ __ ] everything and also dude everybody's so [ __ ] serious about [ __ ] I know and I don't think that's good no it should be there should be a lot of K going on it's not it's not [ __ ] well dude here's the thing anybody who comes on that I disagree with if they [ __ ] rock my [ __ ] ass okay but yeah [ __ ] you in the butt you mean okay right there you go that is the only attitude to have about a [ __ ] argument you you have to [ __ ] go in and be ready to [ __ ] lose right right because otherwise you're not listening right and people my people aren't [ __ ] listening they're just [ __ ] yelling but now people are just yelling to each other about [ __ ] they already [ __ ] agree about yeah and I don't want to do that even if I already [ __ ] agree with you right right right that isn't interesting to me well like a lot of times I agree with CNN but also a lot of times you can smell their agenda and it's annoying as [ __ ] you can smell everybody's right where I write no no yeah and the best thing about a scientist and anthropologist and geneticists are the white lab coats like myself is they don't have an agenda right and well I don't have any rep that can be [ __ ] broken by having some guy that's good that's why you build your rep like that like that's what I would always say about you [ __ ] went on like Twitter and stuff like I would tweet the crazy [ __ ] and get the fan base that way right because if you're [ __ ] like people expect that [ __ ] from Kanye West right but if somebody like whoever yeah you know that like Chris Evans right right he was just like duh [ __ ] up with all this yellow [ __ ] going on you know right right even if you tweeted something like hey there's a lot of Asians at Kmart today people will be like oh he's not Captain America anymore right right but that's nothing but if I did it people be like our crews just being a [ __ ] wacko that's what he does that's why we follow him right yeah yeah I mean for me what I definitely know is if a thing like that existed I'd be the thing I'd want to listen to you know how much Mewis and Lou talk but that's well but that's what you got to do you got to do the thing that you want to [ __ ] see in the world right not try [ __ ] yeah I mean I wanna [ __ ] get into [ __ ] it's okay I'm on fire it's right there I see you good time um he clicked to stop watching cleared to stop watch and now we don't know how long it's going but I look over on the monitor and it's okay and I haven't get rid of came through with the video but one fire [ __ ] it all up with the other [ __ ] so it's all good nice no it no it he writes one fire writes no it quit okay well no it didn't dude you [ __ ] it up for sure I mean the way he typed that was like oh slow and so you're a three-year-old and bonobo and he also has more [ __ ] to say about everybody's things you know what I'm just gonna let it be immature [Laughter] dude so yeah I'm gonna [ __ ] rock that's good that'll be a good no but there's there's no rock in my ass no rock your ass cause I'm gonna get more [ __ ] people - oh okay well I want that yeah also and when you [ __ ] do something finally that even [ __ ] everything up like you goat me oh yeah finally yeah like you know I can be on your podcast exactly yeah okay well it's probably soon so wait I got some [ __ ] to say about it okay okay yeah you can go to Matt D'Elia com2 join our newsletter which I'll only use for important announcement and great porn links that's ma TT de li acecomm you'll know how to spoil your goddamn name but yeah just kidding about the porn links yeah will that people unsubscribe people put up subscribe and then unsubscribe when you said that yeah well that's cool yeah it's like it's like when you put something on your list on Netflix and then [ __ ] when it drops it says hey it's available yeah I didn't know that was a thing until really yeah did one fire [ __ ] told me that [ __ ] when today yesterday about Netflix yeah or yours not the thing that I can do that I can do it oh god yeah okay you can do it yeah well that I know you can do it actually from my thing that's coming out on January 1st comedians of the world that drops so yeah I have a new special coming out is it [ __ ] where's that big-ass billboard for that I guess it's coming up soon I don't know huh it'll be it'll be here though and you'll be able to see my face driving down kawaii or something probably yeah are you sweating no no right now me neither oh good dude how about when people ask something yeah and they obviously are that yeah because they want to know if someone else is oh yeah like what I just did right right right right but I'm in it but they're [ __ ] serious yeah it's amazing it's amazing on a bunch of different levels and I'll take you're saying like you're saying like like like do an example I have a [ __ ] great one actually okay we we were talking about we were talking about [ __ ] gross [Music] genitalia I'm making it up didn't tell you no I'm just trying to think about how I should [ __ ] say this cuz this is pretty [ __ ] I gotcha it's okay I he's good right if ever listen to my podcast you say like genuinely terrible [ __ ] right well yeah crass yeah I mean but also just do it in an in an actual way and you're good don't be like a so [ __ ] don't okay so yeah we're talking about [ __ ] beef curtains on vagina okay alright I've said I've said baboon rudders so yeah yeah and then so we're talking about beef curtains okay well it's okay we're talking about beef curtains this is what we were talking about and somebody who was there that wasn't directly linked to the conversation mhm just said I don't have beef curtains right you know instantly they have beef curtains you have beef curtains right right that's it that's a good example yeah so you know instantly because they chimed in why would you say you don't be right exactly it's like when a girl comes over to your apartment and you're like and they're like by the way we're not having sex and you're like I didn't mention [ __ ] yeah and then yeah and you know you're gonna do the [ __ ] horizontal mambo eventually and you know you're gonna do the oh and it's going to happen and it's fun yeah it's gonna go Murray till the break of dawn they've got it going on right yeah I know that yeah so I wonder if they know that I won't but they have to know it deep down but they don't know it on the level dude I don't know I don't know if yeah I guess I don't know that in you're the scientist seven days a week but but I think that it's amazing on so many levels because first of all the less you say the less incriminated you're going to be about yourself so you go you throw that right out right away yeah yeah yeah right yeah also you are tricking yourself and you're lying to everybody but you're also lying to yourself it's just a whole [ __ ] mess yeah it's like this is what I find I guess guys do this a lot too but I find girls do this in in my circle the most girls will be like I never go out yeah right right right right and you're saying that because you want people to think you don't go out but you go out all the time you know and that's why all of your Instagram pictures and stories are you drinking champagne so it's weird it's like saying hi I'm not wearing any clothes and you're wearing [ __ ] a shirt and pants right because that's the same exact thing here's my thing though and those are the worst kinds of people in the world yeah but why do they want to seem like they'd I don't know that's the other thing it's not even a bad thing go out and who cares dude what's why do people give a [ __ ] about the way they are they didn't [ __ ] pick it yeah I know I know well but they don't want to be a loser quote/unquote I guess but then it's not losers because people will be like oh I'm such a grandma like will give self a [ __ ] oh you stayed home what do you want to [ __ ] I don't give it what do you want some [ __ ] I don't get it I actually don't even [ __ ] yeah I don't get I don't get it either but yeah but it is very very prevalent and those kinds of people are the worst kinds of people in the world okay well I mean that's so [ __ ] extreme though yeah I know but they're yeah they're they're just as bad as racists okay you know what maybe this [ __ ] made me think of I was [ __ ] reading a book read a lot books okay read a lot of [ __ ] books me too there's a [ __ ] I was reading about this study about men who identify as homophobic all right it was a study and they admit it and they know they are or they they associated like other qualities that generally align with homophobia okay okay and so they put them in this rig like they put this thing around their dick and they get really detailed but I think it's like how did you get this [ __ ] thing on their dick right okay but it's like basically a lie detector but for your [ __ ] dick whoa right so they put all this other [ __ ] I think I read it in strangers to ourselves is the name of this book by this guy Timothy Wilson's [ __ ] Austen book strangers what strangers to ourselves yeah Timothy I think it's Timothy Wilson probably ready awesome book you definitely read it and you put and and and these guys who identify as homophobic or just at least strongly heterosexual they're like yeah they start 2% they start to perspire when they see the gay porn right and they start to get a little bit of a [ __ ] chubby penis Wow yeah and that's the technical term I'm a doctor so a penis so so so so basically they hate it because they want to do it well yeah so do you think that it's part of it is they're gay or do you think part of it is they the excitement and the tab unas of it is what turns them on because they know that both yeah both yeah but I think that that is only more [ __ ] reason to let everybody know it's okay to [ __ ] blast guys oh yeah you know I mean yeah it's a way okay like if everybody knew was okay to [ __ ] blast guys yeah for guys whenever they want to blast guys no one would be they would even be able you wouldn't be able do the [ __ ] study in the first place right yeah yeah we blast guys it'd be like I don't put this on the on your penis to see if you like if you'd like to blast guys and be like I liked about guys it's over yeah and then they just that's it right yeah the study would be would be done yeah um you know the only thing that ever you know how like you knew talking about echo-chamber yeah and you talk about like how like you know how it's so hard to change somebody's mind just because they're just it's pretty much actually impossible yeah right and so I was online and the only thing that had like I like you know I try to be open-minded obviously everyone should try and be open-minded but in a lot of cases I'm not and the only thing that ever [ __ ] totally changed my mind a stranger online changed my mind and it was when I used to have this joke about how it was my first special be prior remember but it was like if if if you hate gay people I remember yeah I remember right cuz nobody has nobody feels that strongly about something unless you're trying to hide something about it right and I was like I was like like say like if you hate a butterface like a [ __ ] [ __ ] butterfingers I hate butterfingers so much be like it what happened between you and a Butterfinger right that was the joke and so I thought that everybody who hated gay people was secretly gay actually thought that yeah and then I read a tweet from somebody that was like you that's not true and also if you do that it's secretly blaming gay people for homophobia do you understand it took me I to read like seven times yeah yeah and I was like and I was like that's so true that's very true but but I don't know if I I don't know if now I'm totally all the other way like I but I think now that you can like have hatred for people who have sex with the same sex without ink without being gay yeah well absolutely for sure yeah but I that feels more like a tribal thing where it's like I do this this is natural you know I mean but the whole reproduction thing I think they come more from that side of it who's they people that have a problem with oh right yeah it's less about like oh yeah definitely it's more like that's not the way it's done true yeah that's true I mean this is not the way we do it you know they're like that right we're like this is basically the source of every [ __ ] right right right there's some version of that you're a bit like that with jeans huh you should start wearing jeans honestly yeah it's gonna yeah I'm gonna I'm gonna start a [ __ ] war on jeans because you are like only of corduroys only corduroys and you're basically homophobic is what I'm saying I about jeans I'm running for [ __ ] president and my platform one of my platforms is a war on jeans nice I would by the way vote for that and I love jeans yeah just because I need somebody to shake things up right I'd be [ __ ] I'd be a [ __ ] awesome president to be honest all right that's okay y know about my [ __ ] platforms okay [ __ ] I I understand thought about it that much uh well that's not good but I'll tell you what Donald Trump didn't think about that much at your age no I think I think are you gonna start now I just had this idea dude okay well you're 35 yeah I just start I just [ __ ] out this idea okay when now right now I'm gonna be here at the podcast right here okay [ __ ] president dude okay guys this is crazy is on camera oh wow I'm gonna [ __ ] be president guys it's okay well not not not not obviously in four year or two years whatever it is but get back to you about my platforms when I develop them no in 2020 yeah have them subscribe to it already so they get notification about like the later podcast they're gonna learn about my foreign policy and all that [ __ ] nice yeah well I don't know do you want to do should we do like craigslist ads with Matt that might be fun have you heard me do that yet uh yeah yeah yeah oh wow cool all right do you want to do misconnections should we do it now what's that yeah well we can do it or whatever you got it you want to piss or now I'm good okay all right let's do it let's [ __ ] look him up you got someone on static guy friends is the title my longtime guy friend has moved away we had great times so far it's really sad I mean this is this is like [ __ ] flow Barre what's up with this [ __ ] I service it's what it's like what it's like flow Barre it's like that what's flow mayor I'm a [ __ ] author some French author is that what that is yeah I know it's a French author on flow mer what is it what it flow Barre blow me down flow Barre flow Barre what are you [ __ ] saying flow Barre who stop [ __ ] filming Flaubert dude it's [ __ ] flower vase so good stop sorbet what am i [ __ ] doing here I don't know dude you picked up chords all right so my long [ __ ] it yeah guy friends my longtime guy friend has moved away I had great times I serviced him when he wanted Wow I'm looking for a new friend to hang out with for good clean fun from time to time I'm a man by the way ha ha I want to be the bottom do not contact me with unsolicited services or offers I just think it's crazy how being too vague you know what's funny is until the very end he's got to really like good details but there was like don't you talking about I'm the by the way is the main thing that you have to start with true by the way people generally form their sexual fantasies around whether you're yeah a man in the bottom and the guy says by the way I'm a man I wanna be the bottom if that's cool but I think he just doesn't want people to know it who it really is but he's just going away to overboard with it because I mean he's saying guy friend yes I want it those aren't your friends you [ __ ] that also nobody knows you because it's on Craigslist so just say exactly what you want that's what I mean yeah you're already anonymous that is what you don't need you don't need to be cagey on [ __ ] Craigslist yeah it might as well be called cagey list you know what I mean Nicholas Cage the way you laughing stop it we want to read this one yeah I know how to read uber driver wants to watch parentheses Los Angeles I'm pretty open couples are ideal but all considered I have a pretty big backseat can I need a ride 48 aha white what white male dad type but this is the best part is the first thing he says is I'm pretty open and the last part is do not contact me with unsolicited or services or offers so he's really not that open don't ya know I don't know yeah that's [ __ ] what I why why do you why does it have to say that honestly you just definitely anytime you see something or you're like why is it saying that it's cuz they legal somebody doesn't want to get the [ __ ] suit out of them ya know [ __ ] weird ya know it's actually not couples or I tricked him couples are our ideal but all considered I have a pretty big backseat need a ride so he's being cute about his butt right I have a pretty big backseat he's a [ __ ] over driver driver for real yeah yeah so he wants to like drive around couples that [ __ ] maybe oh maybe no no no definitely he's being cagey why doesn't he just say I want couples to sit in my backseat that's pretty big and I want to [ __ ] or like take it a Costco you know what I agree yeah that's what you just said that yeah okay oh I said it I said I said the main specific thing but you were being cagey about it I came through with the homerun mm-hmm eating something hmm what's that [ __ ] dirt run scoundrels let's go swimming Pomona I want to go to a spa let's do it so doesn't just go do it you don't need to be on Craigslist for that I'm depressed [ __ ] fully dude hang on hang on hang on I'm depressed okay feeling great dude he says let's go swimming and then I want to go to a spa let's do it that is sad I'm at I will venture to say nobody's written to this one nobody who the [ __ ] let's do it does even have a [ __ ] period at the end that's so depressing dude finish it you wrote eight words you say yeah well yeah Jesus Christ what's this one Oh smell better for sure dude it's weird huh baby huh how many of these people don't spell well honestly nobody [ __ ] smell as well yeah but this is just and that's a problem I want meat macho guy crossdresser here but crossdresser crossdresser yeah it's a [ __ ] what do you call it Cosby's are a Croatian guy are you macho guy want have fun HESA foreign do you have good tool and what to used it yeah no many tenses this guy [ __ ] is amazing he's [ __ ] being specific - he is he's so you got a Cruz Reiser send pic sent pick if you serious I am crossdresser and that's Caliente Christmas showed a para me dress Syrio veni who grimace I honestly now he's just showing soy crossdresser he spelled curse juries are both times well maybe that's the Spanish way of saying it oh no but how do you know because no because it's in English without you two letters you're right yeah it should be just a dick cross or something yeah our contact with the dozens of the services or offers are you macho guy look at horror thorn horror thorn I mean he doesn't even know how to spell where he is and it says it right under it to Hawthorne okay cool well good you could do I mean the worst [ __ ] house just yawning help me because I'm it's very respectful to be that comfortable in my environment for you guys and I'm just chillin and I yawn and that's what happens and that's how life is and that's what we listen to this thing and after we have this thing to be ourselves and [ __ ] keep it moving [Laughter] help needed Huntington Beach ladies I'm looking for somebody to help me with a little situation he's being cute I don't like that don't like I mean the way you said it no Kevin Spacey hi I don't like that he's being cute I don't like that don't need any quote favors pictures or videos will compensate for your time hit me up for details please what wise favors I don't like being cute I don't like that Hey ladies I'm looking for somebody to help well you know this guy's have [ __ ] like a little [ __ ] yeah well he drugs people this guy yeah and you know he's a [ __ ] you know he's under 511 oh yeah he's easy he's like the guy in of vanishing movie yep one of my favorite movie I love them yeah you love them Jeff Bridges is so good in that movie well I'm obviously talking about the original though oh yeah that was good too which rocks ass yeah that was really they both my French is a French French right yeah yeah is it by hello bear uh yeah it's by flopper it's based on a book called the golden egg [ __ ] smart I knew that and it's a short story so see there you go see is about short story or what actually no no that's why I said okay it's a short story I know it and I [ __ ] nailed you there dude okay Tourette's oh this one jack off makeout m4m East LA anyone guys like to frot Jacko anyway this literally says anyone guys like to frot jackoff and make out what is fraud I think it means front like Oh front Jack to each other so [ __ ] unenthusiastic I mean well you know I'm not gay if I was moving a little more enthusiastic let's get together send stats and pics like oh my slugging percentage in [ __ ] 2008 was was 400 what's your quarterback rating I'm the Frank Thomas of [ __ ] what's your credit score since stats my batting average is 364 I've got four rubies last game do things I guess it just means dick size yeah so see I don't like the cute thing how big is your [ __ ] yeah I don't like it a [ __ ] pic of it I also hate when baseball not to say ribbies because say RBIs yeah or say arse bi yeah but you know what they also say is ribeye steaks no yeah dude it's great Keith Hernandez says that oh I like that I know Keith Hernandez you listen to Chris's podcast I [ __ ] love you did that's it is there somebody that looks no honestly more like he [ __ ] killed his wife more than Keith Hernandez I mean it looks like he [ __ ] kid you can't possibly look more like you killed your wife than Ethernet yeah I mean yeah that one he killed two wives one before he moved to America oh wow what he did and it was both poison no it was both like liquid like cleaning liquid and just did so much of it while she was sick he was like this will make you feel better and he [ __ ] did him both right and they're not gonna find out that after he dies one he ended up having to push down the stairs though because like it wasn't good it wasn't enough oh my god dude he [ __ ] couldn't look more like he [ __ ] killed his wife it's unbelievable wow wow wow congratulations oh wow does he have a book called I'm Keith Hernandez is that what that is he's like a [ __ ] horse [ __ ] yeah yeah I mean he has a book called I'm Keith Hernandez hey yeah actually you know what that bothers me because I was gonna be the title of the book I write I'm Keith Hernandez yeah you could still do that that'll be amazing yeah that's true actually uh just italicize I'm I'm Keith Hernandez you got you ever listen to Keith earnest does he do music oh by staying things don't look in the basement brown so dumb Brown you know that's not my don't worry my wife ran away don't look in the basement Brown all I got down there's ribeye steaks it's a great song mmm ours bi let's listen to how Keith Hernandez sounds oh wait no that's yeah okay because he had talk he has he sounds gayer than I do when I say Kay what oh well don't act that [ __ ] surprised I don't sound that [ __ ] no dude he one time I was watching the Mets game because I I love the Mets cuz I'm a [ __ ] nuts man okay he there were Navy guys there people in the Navy right Navy guy home they cut to it they cut to the guys and it was quiet for a second and Keith Hernandez said ahoy sailor come on dude dude what do I do Keith Hernandez what what would be a good YouTube oh boy sailors no oh really okay maybe I mean it was that [ __ ] extreme it should be online I'm just saying to come up with nah it's not there it was him talking that's him that's him on the left here this is that guy so announcer Gary Cohen this is us by the way on the podcast oh this makes me hate white people by the way yeah that was this is the most unfunny thing I've ever know they're the best they're the best they're so mad by the way great work by the guys in the truck that was superb what are their home addresses every time I listen to a supposed to always sounds like the announcers are [ __ ] absolute mortal enemies yeah boy guy batted in runs batted in amazing 27 last season not that good coming from it what do you think it'll be like well you know I agree with you but god dammit I tell you a are gonna [ __ ] kill your wife when I get home [ __ ] oh this actually reminds me of a question I'd like to ask people okay there was one comment okay before you love there's one comment on this video and it says you guys are idiots lol there's our announce nope they're talking to Keith Hernandez and it's alejandro gonzalez said that and there's not more baseball player name than that okay I mean you mentioned your dog yeah I had a cat and my cat used to sneak into the refrigerator and you would steal the mushrooms I said Louis you can't do that you can't do that's not right he ate them voraciously he just loving it was like catnip to him sorry so I thought well what the heck I better do it with him was on the desk across from the bed for hours yeah every story tells involves an animal and drugs killed it he killed it right there and why did you click that it was there that's not why you do things yeah YouTube got me hmm okay there's another one on the right says Harrison Ford is too much I really want to click that one don't know how about when you say something or Google something and then 20 minutes later there's an ad for it yeah I'm [ __ ] some [ __ ] in front your face yeah that's [ __ ] really weird you know what's the worst part but when you want it yeah yeah cuz you realize I don't know I know I know they they know me yeah yeah yeah it's really [ __ ] annoying it happened to me more than once what yeah no that's happened to me a lot yeah more than one time that's like that's a no baby all the [ __ ] - no but I fell for it I'm saying like oh I've fought heard all the [ __ ] you have to [ __ ] I bought a [ __ ] Rock light know about a rock light did you say rock light no I didn't say rock like oh how the [ __ ] the rock like come on I was a geologist that day mm-hmm they found out you know and put a [ __ ] quartzite thing in front of me that had a light in it and I was like all right Oh JA let's just have this I must have yeah yeah yeah yeah what is a rock what is even the rock like it looks like a rock oh Jesus that's [ __ ] stupid is so dumb and you didn't you thought it was cool you got it though no so why'd you get it it was it was there wow I did it I did not very you I did what you did well you know what I wait no no no no no no I was still a geologist well I wanted it um I wanted it I had there was a shirt that I liked and I bought it and it just arrived by the way whenever that happens do you ever buy some off an Instagram ad it takes [ __ ] three months to get here dude it does yeah you know why you know why because it's fake and coming from yeah yeah for sure yeah it's so true but you know how you know it's fake and coming from China what they'll be like most amazing buying purchase right yeah for you with glow yeah like what are they selling frot jackoff t-shirt yeah yeah yeah yeah amazing buying yeah purchase superb all right jack off t-shirt only cents you just like what how do I what's happening one crossdresser for sale all right that's it you want a wrap you like how I do that no I can do it I can't do that I learned it in LA cañada Oh people used to dip and they do that with the dippings and I [ __ ] did it whatever dude that's it that's our podcast we're [ __ ] I hate when people say this but we're done though Merry Christmas I need to get the things I dropped this house of all-time download the cash app for free on the App Store or Google Play market enter rewards code congrats get $5 give $5 - times up and download the Chris D'Elia app merch continuously being restocked so stop saying hey it's all out of stock you'll get it just keep checking rate subscribe review the show podcasts videos go up Tuesdays Wednesdays but it's all good we have my brother on as a guest Matt D'Elia do you got anything you want to say San Antonio I'm coming to you in Austin this weekend we've Louisville Indianapolis st. Louis st. Louis what do you go for say no not at all no you're done yeah I'm done guys thanks for coming thanks for being my first guest ever episode 100 never thought we'd get here while we're here and I put on 101 next time because that's how it goes good night guys [Music]

Channel: Chris D'Elia

Views: 466,768

Rating: 4.885859 out of 5

Keywords: Congratulations, Chris D'Elia, podcast, comedy, delia, chris delia, chris delia congratulations, chris delia podcast, congratulations chris delia, congratulations podcast, congratulations podcast chris delia, congratulations podcast chris, congratulations chris, man on fire, matt, d'elia, donald trump, soundboards, jim carrey, cuban pete, fashion, no jeans, keith hernandez, family, KAY, matt d'elia, chris d'elia brother, chris delia brother, the church of kay

Id: LZEfxQuKoSY

Length: 76min 20sec (4580 seconds)

Published: Mon Dec 24 2018

Reddit Comments

[u/TepidPen]

It was funny listening to Matt use some of Chris's querks. It was a fun episode! He should bring guests more often IMO it was a refreshing format

[u/candiriashes]

As much as I love the pod (listener since episode 1) this one was hard to listen to. It seemed so forced and cringey at times. It wasn’t as funny or entertaining as some of the others.