Andrew Santino | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #162

today's episode is brought to you by gray block pizza on the way to the beach 18:11 Pico Boulevard gray block get that hitter I don't know yeah it seems like an illegal it is illegal it is [ __ ] illegal but the fact that they get away with it is crazy ooh roar drink roar drank we're on roller drink dude let's get ranked we have the probably one of the top 60 or 70 gingers in America right now top top 30 or 40 yeah according to ginger unite calm and you know that when there's a biopic or biopic you're gonna play louis c.k in it like actually I'm hoping to be Ron Howard Howard when he dies yeah Robby ransom first of all I'm Way more handsome than Ron Howard who would you play in a biopic you and you play huh who would you play in a buyout in a biopic I would when they die who will you play maybe mmm let me think about that for a sec one of the Clampetts know you yeah one of the Clampetts maybe that's so limiting okay well then maybe you could play uh at least Louie is a role you can do something he's so unreal yeah he would play um right you could do Brad Pitt no I'm gonna do it not looks-wise dude just confidence-wise no I definitely have that confidence so you know the Brad Pitt confidence no I think I could do Jeff Garlin you could do Jeff Garlin oh no he can't even turn his neck um let me do Oh your Big Lebowski the dude yeah you turned by the actor yeah bridges yeah you could be Jeff Bridges you think let's hear it all right uh Market eight Donnie no let me try it again uh I don't know what they're talking about do you not know any lines from the movie huh yeah mark your date Donnie bridges dude I never what I'm talking about there let me come one more dude he never says well he never once you don't know what you're talking about all right bro I'm off but we're in here here we are we are Andrew Santino no from the new whiskey ginger podcast trying which is how's that been it's been actually really good yeah putting some real slubs on there I've seen you a few a few a few yeah a few schlubs Chris Tala know who who lost to you or will inevitably lose to you and the guest of the year belt we all know that yeah we'll see we're just over there and apparently there's a big to-do about it well I think when it comes down to is Chris you know you know Samson and Delilah you know that story about the power of the Bible yeah you know put the power being and I don't think it's Delilah is this Samson and Delilah it's not what it is can we look it up Nick it is it is okay anyway the power law I have here right all of the Bible I think the power in Chris's hair is all he's got and he wants to be the prettiest boy in town and now that you have a mane in the back of thick mane oh yeah I think it I think he gets nervous and scared he's talked privately and this is off the record but on the record he's talked privately I know to kallen and said that he's threatened by your hair and he feels like he's gonna he feels like he's gonna get pushed out of the way he was I saw him on crying on the 405 he pulled over and was crying really on the 405 yeah Wow what does he drive even it's like a souped-up go-kart oh wow yeah no he drives like a really fancy expensive rich car does he yeah somebody said the other day somebody said he has all like so much silverware at his house you'd have to have like 7,000 people eating dinner at once you'd be impossible but also he doesn't even use it you know that he eats with his hands does you really yeah Chris eats only with his hands that's why if you notice if you guys the fans you can get close he has long dirty fingernails oh yeah cuz he always eats with his hands I've seen real I don't have very Kenyan yeah already on the nails out here a Kenyan yeah and I think he just gets so threatened by the Maine that I've this is what this is just what what Kalin told me that he was threatened by you so he paid a bunch of people to illegally vote unbelievable but he was cuz he's like money's not a problem wouldn't make it that you know yeah [ __ ] yes we were just paying people to vote yeah god damn payment I'll pay to cheat yeah he said he's gonna start an auto body shop that repairs cars said called bid maker dance I take my [ __ ] no but I'm starting to realize from them is I don't trust them well who do you trust less Saab or or Callen I think one of them is a patsy and I think it's you think it's shout but it's Callen see might see that's weird because I think the patsy would be Callen my first in sync when I see him because he's tiny and little he's kind of like you know I don't know he's like a little sneaky I can hide very well let me a beady little creepy eyes oh death his isolate color free yeah he sleeping up in a tree well here's the thing if you zoom in on Chris Delia's dick right behind it there's two nuts and that's burning him Brian these dudes are hanging on that [ __ ] guy's dick they put out all types of specialty things on the internet this week for him and last week for him to get extra support they were promoting him hard very much I didn't see you get promoted that much I didn't either mm-hmm but it just goes to show you that that's the world we live in I thought that they were help more healthy than that in their spirit no no no yeah well because of we're just our background you know both of those guys come from very very privileged shady places oh yeah so they want privileged shady people to continue and we know Chris is privileged shady you know his father owns downtown Los Angeles crazy and Brandon Brandon used to fight in damn shopping malls and [ __ ] you were just getting fishing outside Westfield's yeah different stuff manners they got it I think I think I think the sad thing about the belt is I'm happy that I came in third because I beat those other [ __ ] trash bags I mean people were talking a lot of [ __ ] on but you think you had a chance at the at the Bell for a second you know I was happy I was happy no I was I knew I wasn't gonna compete with you guys not not not not not this early I don't believe that but I do think next year next year I'll have a way better shot but I also think I'm was more mad that people like Michael Rapaport was even in the running is crazy to me that's crazy to know that yeah no way well somebody said he got somebody said that Tony his club got seven votes I believe every site no he was in it and then I was surprised I think Swardson got thrown in there yeah and I love Swardson but I was like no way and then Sasso who definitely should have been a better kisser should have been a better been a better contender yeah but that's only because I think he didn't even want I don't think he wanted to be a part of it no well he said this is not big enough for him he doesn't want to drive over here either uh-huh no no this would cut his waist off I mean he almost died in that chair a couple weeks ago he swallowed no bro he sweated so bad his arms were cold and wet his neck was very nervous she was just hot in here I don't know what was going on a lot of different things but he could wear this as like a watch I guess oh this would be one of those Life Alert bracelet area on the inside it just says his heart rate heart rate I think I think that I think the oh I think the real race was between you Dahlia and 4/3 was probably me and and Sasso should have been between me and sasser's and they should give out a couple of different belts and I'm curious thing you said two belts dude it just I think it's [ __ ] I think it's [ __ ] that they're gonna to tie it's the same way I feel about like when they tie in the NFL it gets [ __ ] maddening I don't you should ever tie in sports that it gets [ __ ] yeah there shouldn't be a tie and by the way because it's a tie I know what they're doing they're gonna have some kind of like thing to make you do a tie off you know what I mean like an overtime well that's what they want they're trying to monopolize of course yeah of course they're trying to make money off of you yeah well that's what they did they put up they put up different things different videos almost all for these like guys and they're all through bleach Media official and all he did was post about Dalia Dalia Dalia so you think Chris was paying him to I don't know because it wouldn't make a dent yeah that's what has a lot of money bro he does dude I was somewhere with him and I've said this before where a table was uneven and he took like eight hundred dollars and folded it up and put it under the table just so he could enjoy his coffee and that's it dude and somebody said he's been like over and blood off the internet and all kind of yes yeah hold her blow he does the he does such train things with money we go to this coffee shop sometimes and they have his order ready before you know he comes in cuz he goes all the time yeah I said that's that's really cool and he goes yeah but I take care of them I said what do you mean you take care of me says I take care of them don't worry about what child support and stuff yeah he pays their rent the two girls that work there pays their rent pays for their kids a private school in particular what Starbucks worker is hitting their kid to private schooling Jenice over on he's got too much money so this is this should be a message to your fans rob him Rob Chris you know you go see him pretend you're a fan go dude I love your stand-up yes sike gone out well I'm a drill honey a seventeen year old girl dude go into his place [ __ ] him and then steal a bunch of [ __ ] wait the way he doesn't he doesn't [ __ ] underage girls no but actually actually that's funny he's so Chris is so far from being a polyvinyl just turned 18 that morning your birthday Chris is so far from being a pedophile everyone should know this on the Internet by the way he won't [ __ ] someone under 60 yeah no chance I've never seen Chris hanging out with a woman under 60 in my entire life he has that 43 year yeah he stays 43 years outside a possible pedophilia yeah he loves that and that's at 60 I mean that's to keep him safe the more famous he gets yeah now he will doctor those six year old chicks up I've seen him with but fake tits on a 60 year old late 80s our marriage could barely hold him up I saw a woman with new eyes he had a woman with brand-new eyes yeah so how'd she get new eyes he's like yeah did that thing that he does yeah I don't I don't you know do I like do I like Chris D'Elia you know he's like muster yeah he's like mustard if it's on there it's final he'll have it but yeah if it's I'll put it on every yeah put it on once in a while but usually I'm when I see it I go that's gonna [ __ ] that's gonna annoy me can't believe somebody bought that can't believe somebody anyway you anyway the truth is me off dude if whatever their deal is that it's like cuz we've been waiting yeah I've been like an exciting thing yeah and now and now it's and now now we here we are in the new year and that's what we get which I feel like is a real big ripoff for them to say that out loud yeah to say that it's just a tie yeah I think that's really sad but I know what it is they're [ __ ] with you that's that that me what I think the others are just joking and if they wanted us to have that and then Chris is really gonna win no that's not true what they're doing is they're setting up breaker I mean neither those guys are smart enough to do it chin might be doing some [ __ ] like well that's what I said this while looked at chin I was like dude what the [ __ ] is going on chin no and he said nothing chin denies everything bro he's like eh but the way he said no he's an inmate he's like a captive yeah he just well I seen nothing if Jim yeah you know if chin is radio no radio he just gets pushed around from crew to crew huh yeah he does chameleons around from crew to crew yesterday he had long hair today he has no hair yeah well how did that even do that's impossible electricity yeah guys seems like he's out of his mind but let's get back to a dude there yeah no way you don't play louis c.k in a bio yeah that's gonna be me I'm gonna play Louie I'm probably Louie but you know what uh we talked about this before a little bit I was mad I had to I had to get on Instagram this morning and talk about because I was mad and all this [ __ ] about Louie I think it's [ __ ] I'm being serious now for a minute I think it's so annoying you can't record people in comedy [ __ ] clubs yeah and this is not about me people got mad at me when I talked about it one time and they were like Oh what are you supporting Louie I'm like you're missing the point yeah I am a stand-up comic is gonna be my whole life I don't want people have the ability to record me when I don't want it out there yeah dude that's [ __ ] I don't want that [ __ ] out in the world it's not ready if I put it online myself and you're like [ __ ] you and want to criticize it fine I put it out there you can't do that when I'm working on [ __ ] yeah and I said this I've said this about 10 times I think I said it over on on a [ __ ] in doofuses podcast I said to them Shark Tank what is the podcast what I'll get fight fire in the in the child yeah I think why don't have a kid in the name that's [ __ ] gross very illegal it's not gonna help him in court he'll be yours yeah you had a podcast called fighter and a child is it okay you're you're going to present yeah and the one guy's low on plasma you get that email yeah I ain't asking people for [ __ ] he's bad guy Megan he goes can I come talk to you for a minute about some opportunities I have for you yeah it's like a pyramid scheme for plasma yeah dude no platelets bro I got mad at the recording [ __ ] and I don't really give a [ __ ] about Louisa he can do whatever he wants but I said this before if the if the Westboro Baptist Church can protest a soldier's funeral and if the Westboro Baptist Church can protest the funerals of cops or service people because they have the right to then louis c.k has the right to go perform in a room for people who pay for it yeah end of story it's America do people that go he should never be allowed to perform again what are you even talking about yeah this is not that country bro this is this is a Europe if people want to pay tickets to go see his ass they should be able to go see him this you have to go see him and the story that's it that's just how it goes and if you don't want like him if you don't like him you don't want to see it don't hear it don't support him support Theo support me go see comics you like and I'll say this about Louie man I've only seen I'm maybe I met Louie once I met him met him a few times he when he was coming around the store yeah I was selling out the main room I was on his shows twice two or three times Adam will you ever interact with him ever we just said hello and you chatted a minute I mean he probably wouldn't know me from a [ __ ] home right same same exact but it's but it's but but still I don't have an opinion about him as a man I don't know him right you don't have sand when someone goes what do you think about this person we love two people love to go I feel this way you're like do you know him you know I don't really know him yeah I don't really feel I don't really know him I got a vibe from he just seemed like kind of this was at that climax he you know he kind of had like a holier-than-thou type of vibe as I that's what you felt when you got you but I also have no idea like the pressures you know if people were constantly coming I'm sure yeah this was when he was you know this was two years ago when he was on the [ __ ] tip-top the only one up there really yeah he was so low I mean cuz Chappelle had what was slowly poking his head back around a store remember he would like come into town and do one night and then ghosts and then never see him again who Chappelle yeah I feel like he would come in and then I would not see him again right he was even in town you know he's everywhere now he's now he's hanging around but solutes so I that's all I remember is that he just but he that's when he was doing a new hour every year and it was like a thing you know you're excited on fire this is how funny it is when people capitalize on [ __ ] people have been putting up sets of Louis that aren't from that night whether like whatever sets because they want hits and views so so I said this on the [ __ ] on my Instagram if you hate him so much why are you supporting it then yeah because all you're doing is creating more for him you're creating more [ __ ] for him to like to get revenue around his name right well he can also lay claims to all of those hold the revenue all from all those channels in one person for himself that's one thing you may not know about YouTube like say if there's like even a segment of this podcast has somebody clips and uses in some like montage source I think we can lay a claim to revenue from that that other video that somebody should be able to that jerker that's your that's your content but now what about this so-so but he got up he joked about the parklands survive he joked about parklands shooting did you get my text he said played that played that that because that this literally this is only two minutes it'll say it's it's the exact things that people are mad about because there was some other [ __ ] that made its way on the internet but these two thing these two jokes he got mad they got mad about was the the insensitivity of the parklands shooting and pro pronouns how people want to be addressed he hit he heard them third that this this is probably the best audio because I'm 51 years old and when I was like 18 goodbye 20s I mean we were idiots we are getting high doing mushrooms and [ __ ] and then older people were like you gotta get your [ __ ] together we're like excited to be in my 50s and see people in their 20s and be like they're crazy these kids are young you should be crazy you should be unhinged not in a suit saying I'm here to tell you interesting because you went to a high school where kids got shot what does that mean I have a listen to you interesting you put some fat kids away but the point of all that [ __ ] is all comics feel the same way whether or not you you don't like you like louis c.k or not nobody wants to be filmed nobody wants me film unless i want to be [ __ ] film right but that's the other thing they're itching for people to get met people want to get triggered so [ __ ] bad the Tiffany Haddish thing to me is hilarious yeah people are like you they want to make news out of nothing right young people bomb on New Year's we've all done new your shows you know how many times I've seen crowds get so crazy the comic can't perform because you're there they're shit-faced out of their [ __ ] mind yelling in the middle of your set up yeah so so oh I raise money one time I was gonna piss into a speaker one time in Louisville on stage yes if I got a hundred bucks man I was gonna end my whole career I could've been electrocuted but thank God I only got about 70 bucks and this before go fun is back me just had to ask everybody in the room that was you know yeah that was just room [ __ ] yeah anybody give me money but I think like the Louis thing is interesting because it's like yet it's not fair to film people and hookahs Judd Apatow came out and slamming and people were talking about hit him hard yeah but you know what but you know what it is no pee wee wee our stance is different our stance says I don't want anybody to film me people these people that are mad at Louis are still mad about what he did right I like that's the point to be learn missing they think that what we're doing is defending who he is in his actions I'm just defending the fact that you can't record a comic when they're working on [ __ ] right you need to get over the fact that he's gonna perform Nick can we see that mm-hmm yeah Judd came after him on Twitter okay this hacky unfunny shallow routine is just a symptom of how people are afraid to feel empathy it's much easier to laugh at our most vulnerable than to look at their pain directly and show them and love and concern yeah that he's all angry so I guess he said what Apatow is saying that it's easier instead of like approaching the Parklane thing with apathy and concern yeah and empathy it's that what Louie's doing is I guess maybe going after like low-hanging fruit I don't I didn't see it that way at all I saw it as he's just joking about something that's a really serious thing which is what every comic is doing and good comics do use worse you know you're gonna say or a comic like him does its same thing at Chris Rock does I mean I was there when Chris Rock told a joke you know about the the Boston bombing at the marathon oh yeah yeah and it's a great joke like it doesn't mean that the Boston bombing is funny right and I don't think that that's what this is I mean Judd F initely I don't know why he's doing after him no that's that's the biggest thing I don't write a comic school like why do you care but you should also gets grandfathered in as a comedian if you look at Sam tripley's can you bring up that tweet I stand with louis c.k Judd you did you call out Lena Dunham when she admitted to molesting her sister or falsely accusing a man of sexual assault in college no of course not if anyone knows hacky it's you exclamation point you used a cheat code to get on stage to be one of us we won't forget this that was Sam Tripoli too said that yeah and I remember whenever Judd was touring with like Schumer that she would always make fun of like how just not funny he was good yeah just like in Judds gonna be there yeah here's my here's my thing about the whole judd thing that i didn't understand i saw that yesterday too i had why are people why are comics trying to burn their own right that's what i understand why would you do that like it's not i think it doesn't give him anything right but i think it's part of its it shows a little bit that he's not as in the comic cloth as a you know like or maybe he just wants to keep a stance with with his viewership of staying in line with who he's always been to them that's more what it is to me it's more like bro if you've spent your whole career and this isn't about judd i'm saying if somebody spends their entire career with an image to uphold and write who they are to their fans they have to go that route and not deviate because they've committed to a thing but why even go in there ye he didn't have to say anything on i agree but you look at how many comics don't say anything that's the biggest thing to me is like look at how many can look how many huge comics like the biggest selling comics in the world right right Chris Rock said nothing Chapelle hasn't said anything yet Brian Regan you know right Sebastian you looking at the top selling comedians in the world the highest grossing comics they stay quiet yeah because they know better cuz yeah like what what what is it gonna earn me right what's gonna earn me to talk [ __ ] right about you know what I'm saying and maybe it's just some yeah maybe some of us just like a novice kind of move by you know of judge yet but that made me wonder I don't know Judd you know like I know him a little bit I know I know around the store and seems like I know him a little bit uh and he hit him and I are on great terms he's always been a cool dude to me yes here I like Josh I just don't know why he goes after someone like that because it just said you don't need to yeah just don't need that [ __ ] like all that does is invite first of all it's it's it's pandering and people that are already upset and then it's inviting enemies right inviting [ __ ] haters yeah like I spend my entire [ __ ] career trying to push away hater [ __ ] yeah all I want to do is all I want to do is be with people that are [ __ ] into our fun into having a good time yeah but that invites haters joy babies all you're doing is inviting haters to go come on in say some foul ass [ __ ] about me yeah it's tone you don't need that [ __ ] do you think I wonder if a part of it was like for some you know if there's some publicity thing or something like if he's you know like you never know what the next foot is gonna be if there's I think Judd is aligned with a group of people who are can publicly condemning louis c.k right I think he's just a part of a group of people that are that are doing that and do you think that it went cuz you know do you think it went so deep that Louie like just had like I just wonder if he was such an a hold of people or if he did other things like behind the scenes that we don't know yet made like people that are bigger fixtures in the first choice angry now yeah I've heard stories that that Louie has has made a lot of enemies I've heard these stories yeah but again I don't know him like that so I'm not going to go out of my way to [ __ ] start [ __ ] I don't know that [ __ ] so people could be like yeah you weren't around Santino he oh you you guys weren't around you when you guys weren't around he was a piece of [ __ ] to me it's like okay then that's on you but do you feel like at this point in your career as a successful as some of those people are yeah you need to [ __ ] on him let me tell you something right in our come up generation of comics and our in our group you know that are growing and growing fan bases in 10 years when you're on top of the world if you find out someone in our group did some [ __ ] up [ __ ] like that would you waste your time after gaining all that success and fans would you waste your time [ __ ] on a guy that used to no no even if he was a piece of [ __ ] right no I don't think I would unless that now that's what makes me think there must have been some something happened between them sure that's right but let me tell you something even if let's just say we find out in 10 years that Shaab has been you know selling kids online yeah cuz that could be that could be a hand then wearing a lot of their clothes in the studio so let's just say we find out some [ __ ] up [ __ ] about genuine stuff like that I could see I mean I would hate to see that but I could imagine it like it's very possible I'll let my mind go there continue I Shh TMZ hits us up in the parking lot Co what's up G do you hear about shop dude congratulations on your world tour of all your arenas and [ __ ] by the way you're [ __ ] killing it Theo I know you're doing your thing but did you hear about job did you do you know what happen to Brendan yeah you know I heard about it and uh kids dude he was selling kids online what do we have to say about that you know um it I wish him well that's it I wish him well that's great I don't need to take time to [ __ ] on shop yeah and even if shop was a piece of [ __ ] to me on the way up I still won't write I would just be happy I would be like oh dude well that guy got what he deserves and I'll just sit in my good place where I am doing my thing you think there hasn't been people that have been shitty to me on the way up oh yeah and and some of the people that have treated me like [ __ ] over the years I see them kind of slipping and not doing well yeah I just get to sit back and see that yeah I don't have to [ __ ] parade around the internet being like you know who [ __ ] is eating it right now no I'll just go amen I'm gonna keep doing my thing yeah I'll keep going up yeah it doesn't help man but now do you think that Louis responds to this do you know he he can't win he can't win right in the same way when he wrote the apology letter people said it wasn't good enough I didn't say the right things he didn't apologize the right way and and they might be right by the way and they might be right their opinion is is I thought it seemed like the apology letter it was I mean he's an artful communicator you know that's one thing I feel like he didn't say I'm sorry I'm writing whatever it was I don't really remember but the point is he can't win right he can't [ __ ] win if he responds to this can't win he can't win can not win no matter what if he says people shouldn't record my sets do you don't find some [ __ ] about that if he goes on tour in a year around America does he sell it like a sellout sellout sellout so he will he'll sell out so [ __ ] much it it will only anger people that hate him more that they might go see his ass right but do you then think so do you think that this is the industry that is hating him or do you think that this is just industry dude you know America yeah um America America Donald Trump America what are we even talking about this is the inside baseball industry left this elitist liberal coastal people going punished punished punished punished punished punished and they and and they don't look inward a lot of people they're throwing stones at him have a lot of secrets yeah and it's probably a lot of the people knew like a lot of this I don't know if we go ask somebody where I come from in Chicago in the Midwest yeah when I go talk to people back home about [ __ ] when I go hey man what do you guys feel about Louis a lot of people go yeah I think that's [ __ ] up what he did that's [ __ ] up I go I agreed I just [ __ ] up [ __ ] what he did to those girls those people and they and I said do you think he should be banished from performing they're like no that's great I mean that's crazy yeah that people want him to still perform the country will still support him yeah the business can slash you down you know do you do you think he um do you think he tours again I think he does 100 I think that's what he's doing right now I think that whole set was a setup I think that whole set he didn't plan it but I think it was a setup for him to go if I think he consciously went if this gets out it's only gonna set me up to get an audience to it'll it will it'll be a line in the sand of either you're gonna support him from here on out or you're not and I and I guarantee if you go on the [ __ ] Internet there's a lot of people going this was great I want him to come back what [ __ ] I saw it on the thing I saw it on the Twitter on the original Twitter audio I saw a million comments my boy he's back I can't wait to see him again people like him yeah but just the business is in its own head you know AB is this the business of Hollywood is like a little boy in a room with all his toys and if like he stubs a toe on a toy he's like bring his toy and he throws it outside of the room and then he still gets to play with the little toys that he likes he's a little brat the business is a little it's a little bratty [ __ ] kit but I can't imagine that the business can't see that he could make so much money for them like they will but but the people that will operate with him will be will be on the low right yeah people that people that will operate with Louis the Booker's the promoters they have to be on the low if they're here and if they're not here then they can be loud do you he could be you know what he could do for real if he wanted to [ __ ] walk straight into the fire he should just align himself with a more righteous sensibility and be like [ __ ] it I'll be the comic for Fox News yeah like [ __ ] it if he really wanted to do it if he wanted to just say [ __ ] it to LA into New York yeah he could just walk right out into the middle of the country and sell out forever yeah do there's guys selling out that we don't even talk about anymore that still sell out around the country that we don't even know where they are what they're doing you know just touring the country selling [ __ ] out yeah we just get to see this you know yeah I'm just curious because I feel like the thing about a guy with a guy like Louie is once you get to that level of ego and have that much influence and that much power that's pop really that he had right I mean when you're coming in front of people and running past him and jerking off I mean everybody come it's hard to do that but that's a [ __ ] power move that is power he's just trying Hey look at these socks and then they see you're naked and they look at the socks first then they see you're naked and then you come do you remember that game that boys would play where they'd be like yo what time is it and they'd wrap their nuts on their watch is it like that yeah that was pretty preeminent for Louie you think he was doing that when he was young oh I got some gum and you know what does that gum yeah yeah and it's always one kid who looked at it for too long yeah so you're like oh look at this piece of gum and everyone's like oh and this one was like oh is it great do you but dude I'm just with that much ego I don't feel like Louie gives up like there's gonna be that thing where he just kid will continue to he'll never stop do you think he'll start the tour and put in parkland like in that town in parkland Florida I think he'll start would that be crazy and sell it out Arena in parkland yeah yeah you know what I think you know what I think he will do for real what I think he'll start he'll do a world tour I think you'll leave the states oh yeah because I think there's people that overseas that want to see him more than you think yeah that are like come here come here and do it oh yeah in Saudi Arabia dude jerking off in front of a group of women that's it that's like the let's make a deal over there you get a tax break for doing yeah yeah yeah I mean it's crazy you know yeah for real it's so funny how we're like we have to say you know like every it's sometimes it's funny in America how it's like everybody's welcome here you know but we have to have but then at the same time those same people will be like slamming the way that we behave in this country yeah but then also the people that they are totally just willy-nilly uh willing to let in behave the way that we behave mm-hmm that they hate exactly but just because they're from somewhere else they can come in oh you're a murderer from [ __ ] you know slack adachi come on come on it's like a yes yeah we need guys like you we need more slack a document that is something we should talk about we just have all these old white murderers and black murderers tired of old white murder yeah man it's getting really old we need some slaw can Akiane speaking of crazy [ __ ] like that I was in Vegas for New Year's like a fool oh really yeah for what uh you know little Dickie the rapper do you know him yeah yes yeah yeah he's a friend and he was performing there okay and uh we went there and my lady and a friend and another friend of ours they wanted to see Gwen Stefani do her like one of her last shows so I bucked up and I'm when I saw Gwen Stefani and then I went and saw my boy little dick hold on I didn't block up and go see when Steph I wasn't no I wasn't really sleeve Amazo no you back yeah she did spider well he did yeah of course I love good I love Gwen Stefani but I wasn't like I wasn't like gotta see her on New Year's and say get 40 songs it's like what are these songs well then she's got some cuts he does she's got some cuts his Gwen Stefani the lady from The Voice - yes that's cool she's married to the dude that's on the voice no way Adam Levine nope Blake Shelton Blake Shelton oh really did he come out nah he didn't he was back drinking from sure dude I'm [ __ ] out it's like 30 steps and do a hit I know I'm mad I was mad I was mad I was so then what then you and your boy you're out with a little dickie in Vegas then we went out a little Dicky in Vegas yeah we had a good time then we ended up at the chainsmokers hotel room you know they are yeah that band yeah yeah you're extremely band dropping right now yeah well I did what I did and how big was their hotel room as funny wasn't as big as I thought it was gonna be really yeah cuz they were like ruin of the chainsmokers party I was it's gonna be [ __ ] wild [ __ ] I was amped on the bus I was lit up I was on the stripper pole doing my thing everybody's laughing we get there and I'm like Jones ball goes Oh toe room we got VIP DUP there and everyone's kind of quiet they had a tray of dessert out I was like this ain't it Wow when you say dessert he talking drugs and stuff like that now they had real bad ice cream ice cream and milkshakes I'm talking about some snow I know there was no drugs i couldnt believe there's no drugs dude I'd let somebody fart a gram into my veins a smoker party dude whatever it was not what I thought it was gonna be wow that was just like a and everyone the liquor was like gone it was kind of like low-key it was just super low-key everyone was trying to be cool I don't know if you're been of these parties I'm like yeah everyone's trying so hard to be cool no one's having fun anymore oh yeah you know by the way nobody ate the ice cream but me and my buddy Jess California's Los Angeles yeah we ate the ice cream it was a table it was a table filled with ice cream like individual bowl trap bowls of ice cream nobody touched it me and Jeff all over it no chocolate chip I was dipping in everything really both you guys are different of the same one hell yeah dude Jeff we got tested together I wouldn't do that but the chainsmokers were there and the dude was talking to deke and they were chatting up and he kept throwing eyes at us cuz we kept eating ice cream mm-hmm and he was kind of giving me like wow that was kind of well do you see a ginger [ __ ] thumbing through your dairy [ __ ] you gotta shut him down who let the slapping on in to eat ice cream yeah there's old boys came for some ice cream and I skip out there's old limericks about that yeah there is a leprechaun yeah I see I was in his [ __ ] ice cream and then we I was bummed out we had to get out of there I was like I gotta go gamble man this is I don't like Hollywood parties and this is no disrespect to them I don't like Hollywood parties where no one's having fun yeah that's like why are we everybody in Hollywood though it's the it's to look like there's fun but yeah yeah it's why the ED 1:30 a.m. Hollywood shuts down it's like it's like let's just get the appearance that there's joy here yeah and then get these images out on the rest of America usually people go to Vegas to have fun yeah just where a lot of the fun happens if they live there I'm sure those guys live they do a residency I'm sure they [ __ ] live in those [ __ ] live there oh yeah oh wow as they live there in here cuz they do they do a bunch of those guys they do that yeah they go out every weekend or whatever yeah so they kind of live they live there for four days that's three days yeah I I got stuck in the Vegas strip on New Year's one time and the stripper like walking in the street yeah at New Year's I was trying to get to my friends and I took like a wrong way to why there's literally there was a million people stuff there was a million people in the street nowhere to walk everybody drinking those huge [ __ ] already [ __ ] yes dude one guy was running around here this big thing and for like a buck he put it around your waist you could piss into it dude that's smart yeah that's a really smart business out of the blue this guy's on the strip really yeah guy was pooping on the strip dude I saw a guy in India one time pooping get hit by a [ __ ] taxi mid poop yeah did he live I don't know Brian I'll stay around after that yeah you gotta go I was cruising bro yeah hey but that's all I get that's nothing and that's nothing in India but people pooping the streets all the time overseas America has a weird laws that you can't poop on the street yeah I don't know why not yeah you should go to poop you up to poop I think it's strange that people feel shame about public pooping outside right you should be able to poop outside if you have to piss really bad you could piss outside well most of audience knows I grew up on it they had this boy down the street from me this kid Mario and he in order to hang out with them he made it a brother named Luigi no he didn't do no and it wasn't a plumber to leave that joke in but he would [ __ ] in his own yard and make me bury it in order to be able to hang out with him right and so his poop pitch I was in a poop [ __ ] I was a young man and why would you bury another man's poop if he asked you to do it what was the benefit cuz he was a tough kid and it was the other one whoop your ass yeah there's no real way to hang out you know you were poopit I wasn't a poop [ __ ] I was a guy who would you know bury a man's poop otherwise he'd beat you up I would say I worked in like janitorial services I would say man get paid though I didn't really work you were doing an internship in janitorial service I didn't I got paid in the fact that we got to you know be around you a poop [ __ ] intern in a joint shows company no I was first in line apprentice yeah apprentice I was more of a I would say there are other people that buried his poop there were not that I knew over the key pooping I would say yeah we're tip top well I was I was kind of privileged at that point I would say I was a colon concierge that's what oh it's only concierge yeah ah so this guy was excrement excavator yeah dude well this guy was [ __ ] not have to hide it in his yard right what his parents ever his parents ever known that he was they had no nude his mother was a librarian smart you know and so she had don't know there's no way you bury two hundred of some guys poops in their own yard does that cut trickle down you think that his father did that he learn that from his parents I'll say this they had one of the best gardens anywhere today that bro rose bushes thirty feet high bro encapsulating the house dude just all day long fertilizer oh that young Liza bro in the wrecking ground right well so here's what happened was eventually and then he would let me hang out with him dude this boy Mario Ruffino and then heated up dying he ate a bunch of pills and drove a boat into an embankment and here's the thing on purpose was he [ __ ] up was he party tonight oh he was in a speedboat and hit the side of an interstate like one of those posts a water yeah he was high as [ __ ] I don't know if he was but he was always here I'm here that vigilante and I mean he owned a boat these people had some money I owned a boat it was like a boat that you would fish out of like yeah a little-little tiny little fish boat yeah and some of the fish would get in and be like I'm not staying in this boat yeah the fish knew better yes Mario's boat flop right back out but and I've wrote it i remember i wrote his parents a letter when that happened and told him about that about that experience about about him pooping in the art and me burying it yeah they didn't write you hundreds of times they never I feel like that letter might be framed with her hand I wanted to be a pallbearer I remember and I cuz I in my mind I wanted to put him in the ground one last time [Laughter] sorry man and I wrote that in the letter and they never wrote me back man and it was sad though they he had two beautiful young sisters and they know kids though you know no kids I don't think though but then there also was a rumor in our town that he'd hit a homeless person with his truck and and she died a woman and that they he hit her yeah well then he deserves to die well he killed somebody okay he was yes he and a truck he killed someone helpless killed there was a rumor it was yeah but if it's a rumor it rumors in town are probably true there was a kid we used to fish with that was [ __ ] crazy I can't remember his name but he would take bull heads and and he'd kept all his yeah that's an Illinois turn he's I guess and he would throw him against the wall as hard as he could psycho kid psycho he would [ __ ] catch fish and throw them as hard as he could against like the bridge under bridge concrete walls just to [ __ ] kill him people would stand there and awe cuz he was a big fat kid I mean you're nervous around big fat kids when you're young cuz you know they might fight your eat yeah and a bullet is a it's a small catfish some people don't know you probably know yeah bull heads yeah he would kill the bull heads anyway I heard he ended up dying he got into a car accident died well look man the Lord remembers what you do yeah you think you'll get beat with fish people think they look at the Lord the like oh he just said you know he's has a nice robe and he does all this [ __ ] but you know he doesn't wear robes anymore he doesn't because they're culturally insensitive he got a lot of beef a lot of people or wears it all row no he doesn't he's actually yeah he's going nude now oh wow yeah but you can't see his genitals is what I was reading this article yeah yeah you can't see his genitals because it's just it's not it's too much for the human eye do you think in the future we'll have like a new genitalia is gonna start to emerge or this one will stick around really you think it's been around for a long enough time do we have I feel like if we've made it this far how long have humans walked the earth 2,000 years I think 2018 you know what I take it back in in in 10,000 years yeah we'll have some weird ass [ __ ] will happen I think we'll have dicks on different parts of our body or we'll be able to ejaculate from different areas yeah I could see that yeah like you could you know you sneeze come or I feel like you might be able to spit it I feel like some point you could shake up and spit into somebody oh I like the genitalia might change yeah yeah I'm curious to see what could change in the future yeah but yeah I think so I think I think I think female genitalia will stay the same yeah you know sometimes you have you you need to have a skill and you don't have time to go to college dude how long does it take to go to college four years and you probably have to knock a chick up oh that's hectic now there's something called Skillshare it's basically a place it's a learning platform actually it's not a place and it has over 20,000 classes in business social media design technology marketing you can take all those classes right there on Skillshare so whether you're trying to you know get deeper into your already you know already you know real crevasse II skill set or rather you're just trying to learn something new skill share has it think about something you can't do right now and suddenly you can and that's what skill share does for you so join the millions of students already learning on Skillshare today with a special offer just for our tpw listeners get two months of skill share for just 99 cents that's right skill share is offering tpw listeners two months of unlimited access to over 20,000 classes for just 99 cents go to Skillshare comm slash Theo von and that is Skillshare comm slash Theo von this Louie thing man it's it's got in your head huh well yeah it's just interesting I'm just like and then I'm like you know it's um and then a lot of people would say yeah it's like people would be afraid to say anything about Apatow cuz people would be worried about their space in the industry you know well yeah but that but I said my two cents on John I like judge I said we're cool John and I are cool be a judge always anytime where him and I talked about doing a podcast you know him coming on the podcast and stuff so yeah he goes on a lot of people's podcast I like Judd yeah I said that before I'm not I didn't slander of Judd I don't know why Judd or anybody wants to take shots at Lois that's my point right I'm not taking shots at Judd I don't [ __ ] I'm not on that right I'm saying I don't know why people feel like they need to woody but also do you feel like you feel like we need to there's something oh I agree it's unless you've got like you said if Judd and Louie have some old beef well then maybe that makes more sense but there's comics there's a few comics that I have heavy heavy beef with that I do not like as people yeah but let me tell you something if they go down in a blaze of fire I am gonna say [ __ ] I might say to you as my friend right off the record when I'm not about to tweet about him but what about dice like dice is another guy that's gone on but dice keeps going after people I don't know why he's doing that you think it's just part of I feel like for dice everything as part of his schtick here's what I think it is it isn't me being honest I think dice is older he's of the older generation yeah and this kind of what's going on is upsetting to him a little bit because he's not in it in it anymore yeah he probably would [ __ ] hate me here and name me saying that but that's the fact yeah like dice ain't on that Forbes list well he's dressed like a damn mechanic at him from Mad Max don't you [ __ ] see the dude [ __ ] he's still [ __ ] dressed like that one homeless dude at the gym it's like if you're if sayin if you're gonna like he's that guy has never been friendly to around me he brought me on that page one time and was it he was an [ __ ] about it never met him one I'd just got the vibe from him that he he only cares solely about himself yeah look at him dude that's insane someone's like if your grandfather went in the attic and found a box of stuff he used to wear when he was young he's like I'm putting this on yeah yeah now I'll say this he I thought he did a good job in a star is born he played what's I didn't see that [ __ ] not leaning what's the other girl's name stars born is is Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga Lady Gaga's dad he played Lady Gaga's daddy no no he thought he did a good job he was in Blue Ivy too right wasn't who I he was good as [ __ ] that so yeah I mean he's definitely yeah there he wait that's him right there yeah yeah yeah it doesn't look like him but that is him yeah but look going because he doesn't have his a chain wallet on right I thought yeah he looks like a like a skateboard so like a skateboarder they like I thought you're gonna say he looks like a skateboard yeah a skateboard too many stickers he looks like the back he looks like the back of like a like a bumper in high school that's it looks like he just has all these accoutrements on him it's flare yeah bro you got too much flare bro he looks like he works at a Chili's in [ __ ] Hell's Kitchen you know that's a or in hell maybe does it there was a bike you works at a Chili's at a Slayer concert what is that bar with all this [ __ ] on the walls you don't talking about they make fun of it in shenanigans shenanigans yeah yeah yeah it's easily he's like a walking shenanigans yeah too many trinkets to money 13x yeah too much nickname there that's yeah is that is that dice or what is that oh that's a bumper Oh somebody in a Berkeley so anyone here's the thing about dice I don't know he keeps going to know people he wouldn't Sebastian yeah that was [ __ ] up that was so [ __ ] up because I love Sebastian so I don't think Sebastian has one [ __ ] enemy in the game I don't think he's done anyone wrong as far as I [ __ ] know someone might have some dirt but he went after Sebastian for no [ __ ] reason yeah he said something like he stole he stole his Stiles yeah essence it's not that he stole jokes right by the way the one rule of comics that we all know you don't steal material other than that if someone says you're like me bro everybody's like somebody yeah everyone is going to feel a little bit like somebody from a prior generation right at some pie no one's new what the [ __ ] are we talking about right you go back to the beginning of stand-up itself or vaudevillian performances that's where we take all of our comedic mannerisms from anyway yeah you'd be a liar to say that you're completely original is [ __ ] well in there there almost is no originality in some ways that may happen you can have your own experience of something but most people we've all shared like you know things that have happened in the world and I remember even like whenever I first started doing comedy everybody was sounding like Mitch Hedberg everybody everybody that's so funny everyone's trying to be a one-liner comedian usually yeah some agents said to me one time he's like you sound like Mitch Hedberg you know you did [ __ ] yeah somebody said but it was just everybody was ya know but I don't think you I don't ever ever have seen you be that way but I just think it was just one of them I mean this was right in the beginning but it was like some people it's just that's how you learn to tell a joke you heard it told that way dude somebody that you loved yeah I remember the first couple of jokes I wrote I sounded like it to myself looking back I sounded like Swardson oh wow cuz I love dick dude I mean I still love him I'm saying I remember I've said this before I'm he's that rare baby bird bro I had his half-hour Comedy Central special I have it VHS I love cuz I love brother [ __ ] the most genius I remember writing jokes sounding like his cadence oh yeah cuz I was like I love the way he does it but you're always gonna sound like somebody but for dice to say Sebastian stole his act or whatever is crazy if you listen to them side by side they're nothing alike yeah I think just because they both seem like they it's a you know wait for a subway you know they both look like dudes that are at the bus yeah yeah at the bus do is it are angry at the bus stop about something man and they might drive the bus the bus might show up and they might have to drive it okay and the bus the Sebastian by the way the reason that [ __ ] dice hates that is because Sebastian is an extremely success yeah clean is the wrong word but well-formatted put together artists artists and dice was more raw and dirty and Sebastian isn't like that right they're kind of like the antithesis of each hundred percent just cuz they both have an accent I mean that's like that's that's like saying yeah you know that's like saying that you you you sound like you sound like every southern comedian who has a draw draw a little bit yeah that's crazy so have another commune was like Theo von stole my [ __ ] yeah I am the southern comedian that's four that's [ __ ] insane and your money that's the inside of mud there's dead muscle in the middle of my tongue cuz confirm that sound a lot of the way that I do what do you why do you think it's dead hmm I don't know just I just years of stress do you think it's just the Lord I mean I would guess I wouldn't do that nobody else would do it you you talk about you talk about the Lord do you ever go to church yeah you do how often you go I go probably I would say eight times a year eight times it's okay that's pretty good it's not bad these days yeah most people don't go at all yeah but but you're not you know what are you Lutheran what would you do dude I would say I'm probably Baptist you know yeah somewhere in the mix of white and black Baptist do you sing I'll sing a little yeah yeah you'll get it I bet you I get I bet you get way more to the sing and then you would like to lately don't I sing I sing standing up and I will put my hands up I put my hands up - yeah yeah cuz you feel that you have I mean it's kind of weird to see someone singing that's not into it yeah you either got to not sing or go or go for it oh there's always that there's a whole family that sits down and sings at our church at home sometimes and they sit sit and sing yes that's [ __ ] alarming yeah that's a little weird that's not cereal rush yeah yeah he's dying Jesus I know somebody's now I start bleeding but what but then so bad what's his name he also called I he brought up Ari recently which was kind of crazy dice Brothers she took shots at Ari yeah so far are you alright Ari's probably the one do not take shots at especially will it take sad Ari doesn't give a [ __ ] yeah our dude Howard Stern went toe to toe with Ari you know funny business the king of media and radio Ari was like the first one to be like [ __ ] you he doesn't give a [ __ ] of all people he'll take shots at anybody who takes shots at him he never starts wars but man he'll [ __ ] hilt he would love he loves to fight yeah he's the first guy to be like okay you want to talk [ __ ] cuz Ari doesn't have anything to lose he's like that he has that same vibe oh speaking of which I saw this online you got to look this up Doug Stanhope voiced his opinion about did you see this about about Louie he did now that I want to stay on the [ __ ] Louie [ __ ] but Doug came for cuz Doug is a guy that says [ __ ] you to everybody yeah [ __ ] the industry you know the funniest thing I think he ever said he was in the greenroom talkin [ __ ] to somebody and Eric Griffin walked in and we did that Showtime show together that I'm dying up here show hmm and he says uh Doug Stanhope says significant oh we were just talking [ __ ] about you hey Griffin what were you saying and he goes we're talking about that terrible [ __ ] piece-of-shit show that you're on and Griff started laughing and he told me that I started laughing - he's eight right to his face he goes that show sucks it's [ __ ] terrible but I was like good at least he's honest I'd rather that then when comics lied to you about [ __ ] yeah dude I love I love the thing that you I'd rather you not say anything to me or if you're a real friend and he's not even it wasn't a friend of Eric he was just like that shit's garbage yeah but they had to laugh about it but I Wow thank God he knew somebody was truthful you know but I think about this sometimes like it's so hard see looking at people let's read what he said real quick take Louie CK out of the equation that's exactly what we were just saying they're mad at him not at the thing if a full performance of Hamilton was pirated and uploaded the internet how would it be legal for all those [ __ ] gossip websites to be up to provide that illegally obtained content on their sites correctly correct it's a great point it's only because yeah that and that's one thing sometimes about the about some of these liberal sites it's like the rules only apply if they apply the way that they want them to well that to me is my biggest problem with like you know I'm not I'm not a lefty and I'm not a righty I don't like either I think both people are insane but I do think the biggest problem I have living in a leftist place like California lefties can get mad unless it applies to them right and then they go well no no no but but no but for this no yeah but it's like what you jus just you just threw stones at all that [ __ ] before dude armor being in school and statistics or something and it was like it was freshman year in college and the teachers like Stu typically speaking it was 1400 kids in the class who like to eat you guys'll die in car accidents one of you guys be a registered sex offender she was right wasn't she no I remember standing up and going not it not it that's good no get the [ __ ] outta me okay I mean uh I can't I mean I just let the Lord know what I didn't want she they put out so many false statistics to us when we were kids I feel like can we r of wearing this Emily I'd say you look blind if you could jerk off in the man you go blind crush your eyes too long ago blind I remember I remember the worst one was this is something I've talked about before everybody this is what this was in school and sex ed class everybody is gonna get herpes I remember them saying that they were like one out of four one out of four yeah let me tell you I know four people and I don't think they have herpes I don't know why they think everyone is you know they used to tell you we're gonna get HIV you people they know everybody HIV we're gonna harass ya you were gonna get AIDS sued they tried to stop football at our school because of HIV there were some kid habit in case of blood yeah that's correct that is crazy [ __ ] you would have to had a conversation about this to someone was like well you know it's easier to get than you think I was like no bro it's harder to get then you [ __ ] through you have to really you have to yeah you have to beat yourself up and then [ __ ] somebody when you've definitely been on just gotten out of a fire almost right and then you might not get AIDS yeah here's the best way that I look at it Magic Johnson's wife doesn't have AIDS yeah Wow and he's the all-time leader in assists you think he didn't get you think he didn't try to [ __ ] oh I don't get come my buddy Jim's uncle he always says he's always that cuz he's gay because made you Chancellor mr. homosexual yeah I was like you think so he goes oh yeah his wife would have it by now yep and I said and I said my buddy Jim's uncle he said he said you're being crazy he's like he wasn't gay and he goes he goes oh yeah you don't know any other straight guys with AIDS nobody had any answers it's true yeah it's a good point and they call them bobcats in a black community a gay man I call him Bob Bob that's why I don't let him creepin yeah probably cuz they sexy but they still doing something they said you know kill you yeah but they called gay men in the in the black community Bobcats my favorite joke that you tell by the way when we get on stage at the Comedy Store you always do this to Jeff you do this to me too yeah almost has the same thing to me every time I come on you said that somebody steps on ya which is so funny you know why cuz that's true Miami with another child yeah yeah wow I didn't know that I can step that you said that step you have a step son anger in you always violent it's a red that's true and all redheads or stepsons all redheads exceptions have to be because the original father was never gonna stick around yeah once they see the red hair my god into drugs and like what is this is something out of the garden put it back put it back yeah but you you always say that give it up for that someone stepson Santino and then he says Jeff who plays the piano you always say he's you know he's blind you always said about Jeff and I love every single some one time I was I can give it up for Jeff he's terminally ill and everybody laughed it's pretty interesting when do you know that you had red hair was there time you realized it in your life that you realized that you were redheaded person and yeah yeah probably probably when I was probably when I was kindergarten in kindergarten I got no that's where sluggard that slugger Santino [ __ ] came from I told that story cuz I would get into fights and the teacher I got kicked out of Moody Bible I got kicked out of a Catholic school cuz fighting I got kicked out of another kid I kicked out of two different places for fighting Wow that's when I knew because people would make fun of my hair so I got defensive my first move was always to punch somebody yeah that was the first thing I wanted to do you had violence in you Oh constantly but it was only because you look so religious do people tell you that a lot I look you know what be very Catholic helpful people would say so Catholic likes like church people look like you could ask them for favors or ask them for directions and you have that youth pastor beard going people always can come people come up to me they go tell me tell me what the day is gonna bring ya ask me for directions than you can ever imagine really because red-headed people don't look they look well if someone's lost in LA and they see a room of you guys we're all standing on the corner they would ask me first because they think you know well he is a he's involved he's involved he might be the he might be either the leader or the wolf yeah you guys could just be guys right I have to film it'll see us mm-hmm no I stand out and they go I wonder if he's a leader or if he's a wolf or or if he's he's the devil himself when you want to say hi to the devil if you saw him in the corner oh yeah you go talk to him for a minute oh yeah they say asked me how do you get to Sawtelle oh yeah and I always always always always lie yeah like I've ever given a real direction of my life I never people say hey how do you get to Hollywood in Highland yeah I go down La Brea as far as I've never given a real direction yeah I think that's my favorite thing to do in LA what I realize about one thing I realized about directions is that um is that like the second I ask somebody form right when they start giving them to me I don't [ __ ] want to know many more I just want to go figure it out myself look at my phone yeah like I I can't I can't anymore they take too long to tell you too long you know what bothers me is when someone's this but this happening yesterday when someone is too chatty in line for a thing I'm trying to get a coffee or yeah and this woman was chatting with a girl at the front and I'm not a nice guy when I'm impatient and hungry and I get real angry and she was chatting and I kept going like this yeah like that making sounds like that and she turn around and she goes oh I'm so sorry and I said you know I didn't say anything I know it's my way of saying you gotta just go yeah people get too chatty I don't you can't be chatty with strangers you know like take it do the thing hey there how you doing today uh but then you got to keep going I don't like chatty people yeah I don't like to sit when someone wants to engage with me like airplanes or anywhere you're stuck with somebody yeah I I don't chat dude I don't want to chat with you man I'm not a chatty guy one lady I remember one time I had pretty bad body gas on a flight right you were but you were were you letting it out slow brother was nothing I could do it was almost like something it just I don't know like a ghost was in me and didn't want to come out all at once and there was a lady next to me and I kept blaming her on a baby you know cuz I had a baby nearby [ __ ] baby oh yeah and it's a girl - first I thought it was a boy that it was a girl baby and I felt so bad you know there is something [ __ ] up about blaming that on baby yeah it's kinda yeah that's mean but then at one point the lady was really buying into that it was this baby creating this sense I kept looking at the baby yeah in the blue he was getting soap it the lady next be getting so pissed at this [ __ ] baby and then one time brother was once she goes oh that one was warm I was like god I got to get some help for myself sometimes when I have to fart on airplanes I'll get up and on the way to the bathroom I'll fart through the aisle one of my favorite things to do I don't like any of those people on the plane anyway I feel like every time you get on any airplane make they call that go into Jersey if you fart down the middle of the Turnpike I take the Turnpike all the way to the bathroom I like to fart go to the bathroom wash my hands and then wait about a minute and then when I come out you know people in the aisles are doing this yeah yeah and I walk by and I go oh and they then they then they think I think it's them and then they go I guess yeah no big gross do by the way I almost died coming back into LA on a flight really may be the scariest fight I've ever had I've heard I've heard a lot of comments talk about bad scary coming back to town flights when you're on the road dude I've learned so many times this was so [ __ ] bad when we landed finally they said that they had to ground airplanes from leaving because the wind was so strong in Burbank and it was so strong coming out of Vegas I'm not even remotely kidding we had we came in like this the whole time very dangerous Vegas Oh bro the worst and it was about 100 200 feet above the ground like that's how that's how much gap we had left and instead of trying to glide like that dude went nose-down I mean do we mean we bounced when we hit that's how hard we hit and everyone's holding on and then when I got off the plane there was a priest waiting at the terminal hmm and I went up to him I gave him a big hug uh-uh I said thanks man thanks for everything they knew he knew dude I said I got he said III understand my son and then and that's why we do when you're on those planes what would you do it's going down what do you do what do they always play the same logger I play this game with a friend what are your last two words you're gonna crash like it's whoa barreling down towards the ground and the pilots act this is it this is a we can't we're gonna [ __ ] around two words that's all you have what do you say [ __ ] man and so you ate a lot of meal out of the [ __ ] that's good man that's really good but I would my work my words would be knew it knew it just to get with it it's just a [ __ ] with everyone's head on the plane right it is wrong now we go do it just a [ __ ] everyone's but why do you tell us I love that idea no but you know what you know what I think about all the time huh and I was with my [ __ ] wife on this flight but it was getting so bumpy there was a really attractive girl sitting across the aisle and I thought I think I would kiss my wife first but then I would also go kiss that hot girl cuz I just I thought about that I thought if we die I'm gonna get one on my wife and I gotta get one on this strange night she's it's that'll be it I'll never have this again dude I would I think probably stand up in front of everybody maybe stand on my seat and just open my ass up to everybody just one more time yeah they have them be like what the [ __ ] and then they just died right before they died yeah the last thing they see is your [ __ ] and but you don't see anything you just you feel like yeah I just feel a little joy yeah they're gonna tear that would be something they'd be pretty awesome and I would love citing what I what I love to see is when I'm on a really bad bad flight I love to see somebody not bothered I think that's the most gangster [ __ ] I seen a guy reading a newspaper we were in a we're in a [ __ ] storm whipping us around the Duke and the dude was going like this annoyed that the fact he couldn't in the newspaper wouldn't stand still everybody else is doing this thing on the seat and he was like pissed off like angry at the air some people are so yeah usually that's like a rich guy like real real guys they don't die like if they die they just come back back at their house yeah they will figure they are back at their house the next day yeah they just wake up in they're alive again yeah yeah rich people don't die yeah they don't die do you know who passed away today I wait here I know who mean Jean Oakland well he died last night he did he this morning was Bob Einstein you knew that is Bob Einstein you guys know who that is my son's bagels he all night signs but no Super Dave from Curb Your Enthusiasm you're a super day Marty funkhauser Wow yeah he passed away it's [ __ ] [ __ ] made me so mad that dude was so cool he his brothers Albert Brooks you guys know what you know album Brooks yeah that's his brother he's dope dude and he died and yeah Mean Gene died last night and very sad that means you and I yeah that love you know you know him Marty funkhauser from curb he [ __ ] down him when do you think he died man what do I think I died yeah honestly I think I live longer than I'm supposed to wow I just had a vision you don't and I'm not even joking bro and I mean that in a bad way I love you and everything but I just what am I gonna go 37 bro that's in like a year and a half sorry man yeah that's crazy alright I guess open you were already 37 then I was gonna be like how do I go huh how do I go it's a surprise man I know how you go you do mm-hmm you gonna be a hundred and sixteen you'll be the oldest living person in the United States of America because it can't be worldwide there's always some old dude in India who's like 190 and it's a woman yeah but you are flying back to Louisiana mm and they're gonna give you an award for the oldest person the United States like a paper award then bro it's a it's a it's a huge plaque like a huge plaque and the plane lands and you get off the plane and everyone is cheering loudly you are getting so much praise and love then the news is there you know everyone so happy and as you're walking down the steps to get out Jim you get assassinated assassinated at a hundred and sixteen mm-hmm mm-hmm why you did some [ __ ] in your 70s damn you did some fucked-up [ __ ] in your 70s would you kill yourself in the dude that kills you by the way black I know Brandon showers Brandon showers his nephew Brandon showers is nephew hmm does he have brain issues from fighting mm-hmm [ __ ] everybody does you know when one member of your family fights everybody gets brain damage when I kill myself what would you say when I kill myself my what would you kill yourself you think if if if you could you think I can but I won't I would never yeah I wouldn't either I would never in a million years you know I've joked about I joke I joke about suicide and my lady doesn't like it but I tell her because I joke about I would never do it right I've had three friends killed himself three four mmm and the big most annoying thing in the world is when someone goes did you see it coming like no [ __ ] we would have stopped it yeah doesn't make any goddamn sense yeah we wouldn't have let Lance [ __ ] jump off of a [ __ ] building if he told us if he sent a couple of emails behind yo thinking about jumping off a building did you see it coming yeah we would have [ __ ] stopped it if you talkable no I think because you joke about suicide because I joke about [ __ ] like that because comedy you have to just pick apart sadness mmm I think I would never you know how they say you know they say suicide is selfish they say it's a most selfish act yeah I think it's the opposite I think it's completely selfless I think selfish people would never kill themselves because they because they want to live oh that's interesting so much people want to live I'm a selfish person I'm gonna live I want to see how this turns out yeah I don't want to kill my [ __ ] so that's insane why what a waste that sucks I think I think selflessness causes people to cuz they just don't want to be anymore they don't make anything of themselves for they yeah yeah they're just like I don't like I don't like me and I don't want to burden other people people say selfish because they're like you don't know what you've left in your wake it's like I don't know I mean they come they do but they just don't want to be in it they just want to do the thing anymore yeah I couldn't I would never you would never I wouldn't kill myself dude never not as an adult man I would have done it when I was a child or something I used to think about it yeah I just get real sad hard being a teenager dude your arms like grow overnight in [ __ ] your arms are longer than all your body yeah my and my hands are said to hit the ground when I walked dude yeah one of my buddies came to school his [ __ ] neck was like a foot and a half long one week yeah like what the [ __ ] but in a year he grows out of it yeah it don't match at all that time where you're like the pieces are all [ __ ] up dude how can you not but yeah ya know as a teenager I thought about it sometime I used to do this some sad [ __ ] Pearl Jam has a song called better man oh yeah when I got mad I would go sing and cry and my room to that file I saw when I was like I want to kill myself did I used to cry at the gym listen to O'Town that will make you cry yeah but why would you at the gym because it would hit you hard yeah cuz I was that kind of still kind of a showman even though I was [ __ ] said you like to be out in public yeah you public cry I have what does last time you cried as an adult Oh probably last week or something I mean you know listen our podcast obviously no [ __ ] but I mean a real for real oh yeah then bro hard oh not like that emotional bro I get him okay I'm talking about cry for real like I get emotional I like Cheerios commercials oh yeah I cried oh I cried about probably a week and a half ago I was listening to a sad country song it got you yeah I put it on just so it gets me I do that too I put on sad [ __ ] when I get sad and I'm angry I take a drive I put on even sadder [ __ ] yeah yeah so I really get it oh dude I'll [ __ ] get so [ __ ] sad oh yeah like you know what I do sometimes if I'm getting real sad and I put on the saddest [ __ ] music I can find and I go by the old house I used to live in at the Culver City and just sit out front and cry like a [ __ ] oh dude I'll Drive a lady that lives there now has seen me a few times oh really yeah oh dude I think she just watches I think she just likes it she'll stand there and watch me cry in the car oh that ain't that sad dude I'll sometimes bro I'll go to the [ __ ] graveyard and write my brother's name on half of the graves with a permanent marker huh the perimeter Mart with a sharpie no no not a pen a pen doesn't work but you can use a marker yeah yeah sharpie marker a sharpie yeah and it wash it doesn't wash off though I don't stay that long you never stay long enough to [ __ ] lose my [ __ ] get out of there and sometimes I'll stand and I'll get there's even like with this one graveyard weather the grass is like a hole on the ground I'll even crouch down in there and sit for a while yeah like I'm dead to daytime though yeah you won't do nighttime no you can't be anywhere near there do you hold your breath that's outside I like to get yeah you ever hold your breath when you go past a graveyard do you know that no do you never play that game when you were kids and the kind of game dude it's a game no it's lift your feet up when you go past a graveyard no it's hold your breath really yeah hold your breath because you don't to suck in the souls of the Dead really yeah but meanwhile you're sitting in the graveyard sucking on every [ __ ] soul you can how about this you know people go watch movies at the cemetery have you ever done that in that light you don't know about this oh dude I'll listen I'll play that movie Nicolas Cage was in angels what's that movie called angels in the outfield yeah I'll play angels in the outfield do the soundtrack that's a baseball movie is it yeah well it still has angels in it and I'll play angels in the outfield and [ __ ] right my brother's name on all the graves at a graveyard every single grave no six or seven yeah that's all set yeah not too sad if it was like 50 or 60 then to be weird sad oh I'll get sad bro you can't get sadder than that know when you get sad at your house where do you go anywhere man shower oh I used to do that in my 20s I would cry in the shower I couldn't I never did that really I think it's a cry in front of a mirror now so I can see I can look at it you want to know what's really going I like to feel at all I can't do anything in the shower but shower I don't like [ __ ] I don't jerk off you know people used to drug off in the shower I think that's weird yeah it's just a con comfortable I like to be dry when I jerk off for some reason oh yeah I could see that like I don't like pool pool [ __ ] I did a Middle Eastern of you yeah yeah we'd like to be driving for ajan just jerking off into the dry abyss all the time in the desert Oh jerk I've jerked off in the desert yeah when I lived in Arizona I used to sit outside nice to hold a cactus with one hand and just jerk off with the other one I like the pain yeah like a dry pain that's say it yeah that's real sad yeah I think you win are you on the road anytime soon throw your date's out there man I go Bakersfield January 19th I've never done that before we're at the Brewing Co yeah dude is it fun is it fun it'll be great man it's awesome yeah I've heard a bunch of people have done it I know Diaz did it a bunch of people have done it and they asked to come do it so I'll Bakersfield January 19th and then the next weekend I'll be at the draft house in Arlington which is like DC so if you're in the DC area January 24 25 26 the rest of the dates I'm lining up but you know go to the website go to Andrew Santino calm and see all that [ __ ] yeah man well thank you for coming on bro thank you about to get over there to whiskey ginger some time got to come you have to you have to come over and also we have to figure out this whole this thing because this is this is not they can't cut this in half well I just wonder what the [ __ ] deal is I texted Brandon Brennan Bret Brennan he said left doughnut took you door that's cute you know it's really funny you know you know he never fought you know that was a lie he has a twin did he really yeah that wasn't him oh wow yeah it was [ __ ] he is it twin yeah identical twin Jesus shut it down ro he used to fight not not Brent Brent burber Island shop he never fought oh dude Burton yeah Burton shot birthday Burton cheap Burton shaved the [ __ ] Burton cheap Jewish prizefighter yeah really yeah you know he went to he went to a doctor to get the ear thing the cauliflower ear uh-huh that was manufactured no way fake fake fake fake that's fake they can do that now mm-hmm we're in America no you got to go overseas yeah yeah you gotta go overseas my god his ears done just so he could be like that was me leave that no but his brother was a real Mon the Delta fighting whoo Bryson cowers recent showers is that his name yeah he lives in Canada Oh way up north and that's his this is his twin Jesus huh that that and that that to me is why he's playing this hole you tied game yeah I don't know what their deal is man I mean I'm gonna call him after this and find out but um let's go find definitely but I'll say this you definitely you know if you even came in third did he say you came in third I came in third wow that's huge bro thank you you weren't even in it wasn't even close wasn't even a sniff wasn't even around came came through well we made some noise I think this this people people wanted this to happen people wanted us to sit down yeah and we'll do it again I've had a piece so bad during this man it's been hard for me to [ __ ] thing let's go pee Andrew slugger Santino thanks for coming in man yeah good to see you bro what does it again soon yeah yeah cheers bro [Music] I'm fooling like these leaves I must be [Music] I'll share this piece of thought it's gonna take a little time for me to set that parking brake can let myself all my [Music]

Channel: Theo Von

Views: 704,734

Keywords: theo von, this past weekend, theo von this past weekend, theo von podcast, podcast, tpw, the figther and the kid, brendan schaub, bryan callen, andrew santino, slugger santino, cheeto santino, whiskey ginger, tfatk, guest of the year, tony hinchcliffe, chris delia, congratulations pod, joe rogan, jre, chin, gart brook, young jamie, will sasso, whiskey ginger podcast

Id: SC_3Lvh5jYc

Length: 75min 17sec (4517 seconds)

Published: Thu Jan 03 2019

Reddit Comments

[u/user1444]

Near the end there's an exchange like;

"Ya that's Branson for ya."
"You mean Bryson?"
"Nah man, Brydon!"
"Brandon?"
"Brenson Shweeb man!"
"OOOohhh Braydon Scloob! Right, I know who you mean."

Theo also calls bullshit on the double winner of guest of the year, he seems angry about it. Not angry that he might not win but angry that it seems sketchy.

[u/honeybadger1984]

Time stamp? This thing is over an hour, no werk ethnic today gawd dawg.

[u/scottloaf]

Theo is one of us, and hes working from the inside converting everyone else right under Braylon's inflated nose and lips.

[u/BorgBorg10]

Omg the first like 5 minutes is gold. If you zoom in on Chris dick you will see Brendan and Bryan hanging off it 😂😂

[u/new9191]

Loved how they called brainded and callen Delia's bitches

[u/[deleted]]

HEY, THAT'S OUR FUCKING BIT!

But seriously, guess "CAWLMEDY STAWL" level comedians find this place funny too, eh?

[u/MisterMeatloaf]

good episode