Narcissists Need Certainty, But Really They're Afraid

we've received quite a bit of interest in my free to be Workshop So to that effect beneath this video is a link that will give you a description for the workshop and we've also included a special discount so if that's something you would be interested in I would invite you to click that link and I hope that you would find the course to be quite beneficial [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] one of the driving features of narcissism is the need to be in control narcissists have decided that they have got to get their loose ends tied down they want to make sure that you think the right way which happens to be what they say and and as a result they respond to some of the differences or some of the unusual circumstances that might be there in front of them between you and them with an attitude of certainty it's like look let me tell you how things are supposed to be and let me explain to you what you're supposed to feel and how you have to think and what your priorities need to be and they can come on in such a strong and superimposing kind of way and you're thinking whoa pull back slow down who appointed you as being the ultimate Keeper Of Truth and of course if they were honest the answer would be me I did let's let's recognize there is so much in this world that you and I cannot be certain about there is much mystery in our life there's much complexity frankly there's a lot of futility and many surprises there are exceptions to whatever rules you want to come along with your IQ no matter how high it might be is limited there's some things that you just can't figure out and healthy individuals make room for that unhealthy individuals they'll say well I'll tell you what I don't like having ambiguity I don't like having vagueness in my life and it scares them and so it's like I'm going to be the one person in this world that certainly knows how it's supposed to be and it becomes my task to superimpose that upon anyone who's in front of me now I want to see if we can just kind of pull away back and do a big picture kind of uh style of thinking here for a moment there is so much about this life that we just simply cannot and know and understand starting with how did this creation even happen we've got some ideas about it but we can't say anything 100 definitively on that one or we can say why this planet that we're on uh is there something else out there that we don't know about and why is it that this planet is so different and so unique and then we can ask is there existence Beyond where we are now is there existence Beyond this life that we have now if so in what form and how do we know that that can be the the case or we can bring it down a little bit we can say what is it about humans that causes us to have such an emphasis on things like love and kindness and respect where did that come from it's not nearly as prominent inside the animal kingdom and then in the plant life and all the rest it doesn't even exist there why is it that us humans have those kind of Notions that we gravitate towards and that are so important um why is it that some people can grasp love and other people just simply don't know how to do it at all what is it about people that make us predictable why are we so easily predictable or are we going to ask the opposite question what is it about people that are so that's so unpredictable why are some folks just impossible to tie down um why does evil exist whether it's evil inside certain systems whether it's political systems or economic systems or religious systems or family systems and then why are individuals inclined toward evil why is it that two people can grow up in the same family with the same subcultural influences and develop so differently as the years go by what does it mean to be responsible why is it that some people seem to have good Insight capability and some never do seem to have good Insight capability do you understand where I'm going with this there are certain questions that are just simply not answerable there are some questions that are very uncomfortable and when when we approach life with that then what we do is we often yearn for order and this is where that need for control comes in we yearn for someone to come along and say this is how it's supposed to be these are the the definitive answers and the narcissist will come along and say well good good thing is you have me here I'm going to tell you how things ought to be and I'm going to explain to you I may not be able to talk to you about quantum physics and I may not be able to talk to you about you know economic systems and all there's a whole lot that I know and when you're in my presence I'm going to give you as much advice certainty as I can and these people can be bossy and stubborn and all what's going on see narcissists will gravitate toward authoritarian thinking because it gives them a feeling of comfort uh when compared to the uncertainties that are in front of them and then as they gravitate toward authoritarian thinking then they insist that you have to comply with the conclusions that they've drawn they fear their own weakness they fear confusion they had way too much of that growing up they don't know who they can trust they don't know how things are going to uh to unfold if they just kind of leave it alone and allow people to be what they are ambiguity scares them vagueness scares them inconsistencies scare them they don't know what to do and as a result they develop a very strong critical judgmental mindset it's like look I've already decided here's what makes me feel comfortable and here's what my certainties are and and you're not doing it the right way they build a shell of defensiveness around themselves because when you come along and say well I don't think that way or I have different ideas and thoughts it's like but I have to have certainty and and then when they say and here's what it has to be and then you say but I don't think that way rather than say well why don't we just put our heads together and let's let's figure it out together and let's make room for the fact that there are differences like no I can't do that uncertainty scares me uh they then will appoint themselves as a very important person they appoint themselves as the necessary individual to keep people straightened out at least if you're going to be inside their little sphere of influence they're the ones who allow who's allowed to set the standards and in fact they become the gold standard the keeper of Truth and as a result they can become pushy and imposing with those standards with that agenda and then they're truly surprised when you come along and say but I don't think the same as you I have ideas that would be a bit different and it's like but I have to know I I want to take all of the uncertainty and the vagus in my life and I want to bring it down into my tight little Comfort box here and I need to keep you inside of that and as a result there are all sorts of emotional uh ruinous ruinous emotional responses that they will have and they'll generate in other individuals and predictably relationships will fall apart because that need for certainty and that need to get rid of all of the unanswerable questions out there is so strong in that narcissist that they've decided but I have to be the ultimate I have to be the one that this little pocket of the earth I'm in charge and I've got to make sure that everything goes according to my mindset now I'm not suggesting that it's a bad thing to want to have a certain kind of predictability it's okay and it I'm not saying it's a bad thing to want to have standards and to hold on to your opinions and your Notions in in ways that make sense to you but what I am suggesting is you don't have to know everything in fact you never will go ahead and accept that and it may be that these are there are topics that are extremely important to you and yet you'll still never get it all completely figured out uh there's much that we have in our life that simply remains unknown and we can't tie all that down opinions and preferences are reasonable but not definitive now if when I say that to certain individuals it's like well then you just you just don't know what you're talking about and they can't agree with the fact that you know there's certain principles and standards that are not a hundred percent definitive because narcissists must be definitive uh reliability predictability can certainly be useful defining your your ways that make sense for you is good and yet it's a 100 percent guarantee that no two people we're ever going to draw the same conclusions about every set of circumstances that's just the way it's set up and we can ask the question why why is it that way and you'll get a whole lot of different answers but the bottom line is there's just a certain amount of mystery that's a part of this world there's a certain amount of vagueness or there's a certain amount of diversity that's built into our experience here and it's beyond arrogant for someone to step up and say well listen to me I know everything about what needs to be known at least when you hang out with me I know I'm certain when somebody comes along and thinking that way it's like ooh that is a scared person and they're they're greatly threatened by the lack of certainty so why don't we conclude here by saying it's it's necessary for us to make room for mystery and diversity and loose ends and then let's take it a little bit further and recognize and when we do acknowledge mystery and diversity and loose ends it can set us up for other characteristics like curiosity and empathy and flexibility because we know that if I think something there's a good chance that you'll think differently let's learn from one another narcissists can't think that way um they uh when they uh when they're challenged with the notion that says you need to drop that need to have everything tied down and everybody has to be in total agreement with you then you know that they're going to go straight towards a ruinous way of life but accepting the fact that you cannot know everything and you cannot tie everything down interestingly becomes the beginning point for for developing wisdom and I'm hoping that that's something that we can be committed to so I hope that the video such as this can give you some good food for thought and can prompt you to have a little Fuller understanding of what you're dealing with with that narcissistic individual and how you can respond in your own wise ways if you've not already hit that subscribe button we'll keep more please do so and we'll keep more videos coming your direction just lost gush on that one also if you have a need for therapy and I know many times when you're trying to deal with some of the frustrations that come along with that highly controlling person it's good to have someone who could help you sift it out you know I've been sponsored for years now by the people at betterhealth.com there's a link below that will take you to their website and all you have to do is fill out a few uh questions and then they'll take you to a whole team of licensed professional therapists and please get the assistance you need to go through our link below you'll even get a 10 discount on the first month in addition I have my therapeutic courses and each one of them is very extensive with multiple videos and got and written materials guiding questions this is me about establishing your boundaries free to be finding yourself despite the controllers Ready Set connect about having good connection skills we also have my webinars that have already been presented that you can purchase we have our web we have our podcast that's out there now and it's it's been wonderful to have that we also have our website with many articles and then my books there's plenty of resources for you I'm certain that I'm not certain and I'm certain that we're not going to know everything and that's okay it's built into our existence let's make room for that and in doing so I'm hoping that we can have a sense of balance and a sense of of openness as we engage with one another that's what we want to do here on team healthy and if you can have good healthy guiding principles that uh that will carry you even as you make room for a certain amount of diversity I'm hoping that leads you to a place of steadiness and ultimately it allows you to be one who's able to find peace [Music]

Channel: Surviving Narcissism

Views: 16,285

Keywords: self esteem, NPD, narcissism in relationships, covert narcissism, gaslighting, psychology, anger, Manipulative people, Dr. Les Carter, surviving narcissism

Id: YIh0VOwaZ9A

Length: 13min 46sec (826 seconds)

Published: Sat May 13 2023