- Welcome to Battle Royale. Now you're probably all
wondering what led me to this. Well, I'll tell ya. You've wasted your lives. You're all criminals. Outcasts who have nothin' to live for tryin' to become the victors and bring a bunch of money
home for your families. Who knows what you did to end up here with a life sentence? Murder, treason, honestly
I couldn't care less. How about this guy? You, what'd you do, pretty boy? - Oh, I'm not a criminal,
I just want money. (laughing) - You're jokin'? You mean you came to Battle Royale a free man of your own will? - That's correct. (laughing) - What's your name, little boy? - Tanner Kobin. - Well, Mr. Kobin, that's the
dumbest thing I've ever heard. Hope you had a good life, boy, 'cause it ain't gonna last much longer. Okay now, you'll be splittin'
up into groups of four, and only one group will survive. I've given you all pickaxes for lootin' and gathering resources. Winners get $4 million each. Now get on the bus and get ready to jump. - Oh god, oh god! I can't, I can't do it! (screaming) - So I nominate myself as squad leader. - Nope, I'm Anya, squad leader. This is Roach, he's a serial killer. - Hello. - This is Caroline. She's a doctor or something. - Doctor? In a Battle Royale made
up of 99% prisoners? - Oh, she's a prisoner too. Killed her husband. - Actually I'm innocent. - She says she didn't do it, but that's what everyone says. Except me, I love killing people! Aww, I'm so happy to be out of my cell. Hey, can we call our squad Goals or Fam? Fam Squad. That'd be cool. - I like it. - No. - What about you, old man? Which squad are you on? - Oh, not on a squad, sonny. I just take the bus to work. That's my shop down there on Retail Row. Oh my god, what are they doing? - All right guys, we're
gonna have to jump soon. I'm thinking Loot Lake. Who's with me? - Loot Lake is too hot. Let's go to Salty Springs. Good location, not congested. - Salty Springs can
suck on my shifty shaft. Trust me, Loot Lake. - Okay, but we passed Loot Lake
about three kilometers ago. - [Roach] Let's land in one
of those Chinese restaurants. - Okay, do we have our guns? - We have find our guns, idiot. - What? Those guys have guns. - Take a picture, asshole. It'll last longer. - All right, all right,
whatever, let's go. Loot Lake, here we come. Well (bleeps). - Way to go, squad leader. No loot, no shelter, edge of the island. Great location. - Look, Moisty Mire isn't that bad. Just be patient. I'm sure we'll find some guns somewhere. Wait, look at this. Here we go, 27 uncommon tactical
shotguns behind this tree. - Oh, those things are so common. - I've never really used a gun before. Usually just like to gouge eyes. You know, break skulls, hide snakes. That sort of thing. - God, I can't even walk in here. - Isn't that kind of a waste of wood? - There's thousands of trees around. And that's about it. And great, it's getting darker. - Yep, it is going to be a long night. (crickets chirping) Good morning. Oh my god. Guys, it's a house. Let's loot it like there's nobody inside. - Move, me first. Oh my god, these shrubs
are about to execute me. - We are the bush people. Born in the bush. Die in the bush. Make love to the bush. - Bush people? (groaning) Thank you. If you wouldn't mind to help? - Whoa, check out these guns! - Shield potions! - Guys? - Drink the small ones first. - Aww, bricks. They're great for smashing faces. - [Tanner] I'm in pain! - Oh my god, these
people have so much wood. - Don't worry Tanner, you're
going to be all right. (humming) - You're just holding your hand over me. - Shh, shh. - Look, I don't know how
this is supposed to help me. Oh, oh, dammit, actually
I feel a lot better. - Come on, you guys. Let's check out what's in the house. (light music) - I hear it, I hear it. Don't you hear it? - Tanner, you're having a stroke. Do you smell toast? 'Cause I'm eating toast. - No, no shush. Right here. It's a chest. I'm going in. Just above this ceiling. - Where's the chest? - Change of plans, no chest. - No chest? - Nope, no chest. All right, let's go. Next house. - Looks like this place
has already been looted. Keep an eye out. - Ha, typical noobs. Leaving ammo crates unopened like that. - Roach, that's a cooler. What's in there that's gonna help us? - I don't know. Sprite, cold cuts. (gasps) Slurp Juice! - Ah ah ah, not until after
you've been shot, mister. - Aww. - God, these gnomes are creepy. (creepy music) Ugh. (upbeat music) - Hey Tanner, check it out. Looks like there's a llama on this map. In Mexico the llama is sacred. Maybe like, if we can
get to it, it can help us or save us or something. - Roach, a llama is not
gonna save us from anything. Now I want you to go collect wood for me. - Yes sir. So, were you gonna help me or what? - Nope. Once you die I'll simply
step over your corpse, collecting all the wood
in a large lump sum. - Oh. - Hey, hey watch it. Leave one swing until the tree is gone. We don't want people around
us seeing it disappear. It'll give away our location. Stop. Don't you do it, mister. - Hey, hey Marty. Did that tree just disappear? - What, no. Rick, are you high or something? - Yes. - I'm serious. All of us have matching
tattoos and it's creepy, because I didn't even notice it until now. - Hmm mine looks a little different. - Heads up, squad at 30 northeast. - Yep, I saw them fist. 30 NE New England. - God, I wish I had some
way to see long distances. - Here's a scoped assault rifle. Seeing into a distance
is all it's good for. - Oh thanks. - What do you see? - I have no idea. Okay, we're gonna start
shooting in one, two. Okay one, two, god dammit. You know, Anya, I never really
asked you what you're in for. You're a prisoner, right? - I was a spy. I knew too much. I was framed. I'm in prison, happy? - Geez, Anya, why you so salty? - I'm not salty. It's just not worth talking about. - Naw, you salty. You Salty Springs, dog. - Look, that one's falling behind. I got him. (guns firing) - Roach, build us a fort. Walls first. - Uh, okay. Uh. Oh (bleep), oh (bleep). Hold on. (sighs) - Forget it. - Nice wall. (guns firing) - He's one, he's one. (guns firing) - He's not one, he's got a full shield. - Got him. - Now stand still. (gun firing) - Surprise (bleep)! (guns firing) - Oh no, I'm out of wood! - Heal me, you asshole! - No, you have a golden scar. Just hurry up and die so I can have it. (grunts) - So I guess you do an okay job today. - Hey, you know what, we might actually have a
shot at winning this thing. (guns firing) Oh god, oh god, build walls. - Look, all I'm saying is Fatal Fields is just a total copy of Anarchy Acres. - Yeah, but they both ripped
off Ballistic Barnyards. - What the hell is that? - [Tanner] It looks like some
sort of divot that's dusty. - Hmm crystal meth? - What? No. - I don't know. I kind of want to eat it. Whoa! You guys, check this out, this is crazy! (laughing) See you, losers! Oh god. - Guys? - What is it? - Looks like some sort of
biomagnetic acid storm. - It sounds like a giant frog orgy. - Roach, grow the hell up, please. Oh wow, it does sound
like a giant frog orgy. - That's it, I'm going in. Oh god, that is painful. I can't breathe. - Okay, so it seems like the storm wants us to head northwest. Let's go. So this is Tilted Towers. - [Roach] I don't know. They look pretty straight to me. - They say you hear gun shots every hour and the violent crime is like if Chicago and Baltimore had a baby. - Ah yes, Balcago. Aight hoes. I know these mean skreets, you feel me? Nah. We gotta get out of these
lame ass default skins. Know what I'm sayin'? - Well, at least now we
don't like complete idiots. - This is so stupid. This isn't going to change the fact that we're gonna get shot
at in about three seconds. (gun firing) - In there. Don't worry, I got an impulse grenade. (exploding)
(screaming) Roach, you said you'd gotten a golden scar from a vending machine earlier, right? - Yep. - Okay can you pull it out? We're gonna need it. - Yep. - Um. What the hell is that? - It looks like Scar from Lion King. - Yep, and a golden one too. Best Disney villain. This bad boy was only 600 wood. - What? - Okay, okay. Looks like they've looped over there. (gun firing) Ah, dammit! - Don't worry, Anya. I'm flanking around back. Gonna build a ramp up and
drop in on these guys. - Oh god, you guys? I don't wanna alarm you, but the storm is closing
in on us pretty fast. We have to head north. I repeat, it's about to get
Stormy Daniels up in here. - It's boogie time. (upbeat music) - Oh god no! - Can't stop dancing. About to die. Oh, but I do love this song. (gun fires) - Keep your eyes peeled. There might be one more
squad member missing. - (Bleeps) that. - Dammit Tanner we're low on bandages because your dumb ass had to
mess around with that storm. - And speaking of. - She's not gonna make it. In fact, there's a good chance with how far we have to travel that a couple of us won't make it. There's no time left. She's gonna die! We need to do something. - Don't worry, I have an idea. (clanking) One, two, three. Okay, hold on. (screaming) - Tanner! - Oh man. I really hope Tanner isn't dead. - Don't worry, I'm sure the
sacred llama will save him. - Roach, shut up about the llama. There is no llama. - Okay now, I have this portable mass of hot coal and flames. Let's roll around on it to feel better. (coughing)
(screaming) - That feels so much better! - Hey guys, look. (gasps) - It's Loot Lake! - Oh man, Tanner wanted to come here. - I know, right? I'm gonna do an Olympic dive in his honor. (shouts) (crying) - Hey, quit whining. We've got a squad building atop that house in the middle of the lake. You know, that house that's got zero loot, no chests, and is in a terrible location. - Sir, we've got enemies due south. (dramatic music) - Kill them. - Well yeah, that's
the whole point of the, you know what, let's just start shooting. (guns firing) - I've got us. - I'm gonna run through the lake. Sneak up from behind. - My building is getting better, huh? (dramatic music) (guns firing) - They're destroying my walls. - That's what she said. (screaming) (dramatic music) God, we're doomed! - Hey guys, build over here. (gasps) - Tanner! - Jump. - But I could just build a panel. - Oh, come on jump, it's more dramatic. (dramatic music) - Thanks Tanner. - Yeah, thanks Tanner. Mwah. - Okay Caroline, you can do this. (shouts) - No! (engines running) (somber music) No, no, no. - I know, they took all of her good guns! - I'm gonna be honest. Keanu Reeves, the guy who
killed her, pretty hot. - What? He just murdered our friend. - What can I say? I like bad boys. - I've killed dozens of people. Do you like me? - No. - Mark my words, this is not the end. We will have revenge. I will kill Keanu Reeves. (dramatic music) Dearly beloved, we gather
here to bury Caroline in Haunted Hills with the hope
she'll resurrect as a zombie. - Hey, wait a minute, isn't this area about to be covered in an acid storm? - Make haste. - We're gonna need this brick. (smashing) (upbeat music) - Okay, the map is
getting super small now. - Ooh, a TV! - [Narrator] Welcome back
to The Real Housewives of Snobby Shores. - Let's just say that in bed, Joshua's a double pump and done. I'll definitely be leaving him and taking half of his loot. - They're the only squad left. I can feel it. Plus I'm playing on mobile
and it says right here. - Well, there's only three of them, so we've got an advantage. - Yeah, and they have almost no materials or health by now. (dramatic music) - We have almost no materials
or health right now. - It's hopeless. - Guys, we can't give up. (beeping) - Welp, the map is shrinking again. We're doomed. - Let's go! - Wait, I've got a new approach. We are going to be (bleeps). - What? - Yup, total (bleeps). - Shh, Tanner, we're
gonna get demonetized. - Riding the storm and
then hiding right away. It's ridin' and hidin', baby. (beeping) - See anything, sir? - I see their fort in the distance. - We can't just wait
down here to be killed. We need to-- - Oh my god, guys, it's the sacred llama! (light music) - Well I'll be damned. - Just 20 more minutes! - Okay, new plan. Roach, start building. - Ha, yep, I'm feelin'
pretty good about this. (shouts) - Enemies at 105 east. Or maybe it's 75 east. I don't know. Over there. - Doesn't 75 east sound like a highway? - It does! (shouts) - I'll heal him. You heal the other one. Geez, what a piece of-- (gun fires) - Well, let's just crawl into
the storm to kill ourselves. (dramatic music) - Hmm, only one left. Whatever. Less work for me. Gah. (laughs) - Take that, Keanu Reeves. Anya sniped your entire team. Roach laid the trap. And I hid in those bushes over there. Roach, would you like to do the honors? - Well of course. - So that was it. Our heroes had won. There was a beautiful
ceremony held for them. All of our heroes planned
what they would do with their money. Tanner was going to pay for a legal team to investigate Anya's imprisonment and prove Caroline's innocence, but it turns out there
sufficient video evidence to her crime. Like, serious video
evidence of her doing it and like, looking at
the camera and (bleeps). Roach was going to put
his four million bucks towards becoming a famous actor, but when he found it wasn't real bucks and instead V-Bucks he had won, he went psycho and killed
everyone at the ceremony with his bare hands, except
his friends, of course. Oh, he became famous, all right. (laughing) Well, that's pretty much
the end of our story. Or is it? I honestly don't know. Don't forget to like and subscribe. Bye bye now. (upbeat music)
