The Source of Life -- Ted Cunningham

[Music] our speaker is from Branson Missouri we're not exactly sure what this is that he's brought but uh I assume this is a speaker's drink Amen folks it gives me the greatest honor and pleasure to invite our speaker Ted Cunningham to please come on up and give him a warm Colorado welcome this is our second year with him and we trust you'll be here again next year we we haven't sprung it on him I'd like to do it in front of everybody to make him feel guilty but he can't back out so brother we'd like to invite you back next year we'll see how you treat me this weekend we loved last year it was such an amazing blessing to us that we had no hesitation to say brother Ted would you please come back this next year and bless us again with your teaching with what God has has given to you he's made a great deposit in this man of God and we are the benefactors of the wisdom that God has given him so once again would you please give our speaker tonight the warmest Colorado welcome that you can give him oh god bless yourself [Music] right well I am excited to be back what a fun-loving crowd how many of you are having a good winner I left Springfield Missouri this morning it was 5 degrees so when I stepped out - 44 degrees at the Colorado Springs Airport I'm like I could move here this is nice weather you all have here so we've been having a brutal one our kids had for snow days this week and they went back to school today so we understand harsh winter we always like to start every conference every seminar by getting to know who is here we did this last year but it's how we get started it breaks things up and it helps me find a couple or two to pick on so if you've been married for more than 25 years more than 25 years would you please stand and remain standing more than 25 years all right stay standing stay standing you've been married for more than 30 stay standing the rest of you may be seated more than 35 40 did you win last year 45 all right we have winners how long y'all been married 48 years can you all come down here I'm gonna have you come down here it's a punch line it's hard to cover up now that I was here were you here last year you weren't okay Shh you get to pick between two books from anger to intimacy or the language of sex all right hey high five me hey no you get hey he already picked high five me hey hello hey high five me real quick can I get a picture of you guys real quick for facetube just super fast I'm gonna take a picture of you guys with the book can I do that 48 years of marriage here we go all right love it thank you hey give them a hand what are your names let me get your names Diane Karl Diana Krall did Diane and Karl a hand all right you've been married for less than 25 if you would stay in less than 25 I love it no one applauds no one unimpressed unimpressed you've been married less than 20 stay standing the rest of you may be seated you've been married less than 15 stay standing the rest of you may be seated so everyone standing right now has been married less than 15 less than 10 less than 5 3 2 1 6 months last weekend no no stay up 6 months 3 months 3 months Sunday how about back there October that's about five three months anybody be 3 months how long six weeks Sunday whew nowadays that's no record but it's a good average come on down here come on down we'll talk about that in the last session from anger to intimacy you won't need it until next month but we want you to have it are you to all look at hold in hand that is fantastic what are your names Josh Megan congratulations how's it going it's going good all right any questions you want me to tackle in front everybody you're covering later you're assuming that all right hey give them an thanks Josh appreciate that my friend now this I'll talk about this a little bit more tomorrow we cover this in both sessions tomorrow but this is my latest book that came out in September it's called fun-loving you enjoying your marriage in the midst of the grind I talked on this in the first session last year will cover how to enjoy quality couple time tomorrow but that you'll see you'll notice there's a couple on the front jumping on a trampoline I will give this to the couple who most recently has jumped on a trampoline today get out of here I've never had that so you did not jump on a trampoline today these are friends of mine from Branson the transplanted out here you've read this you've heard everything I have to say so you find if you don't want to read it you give it to a couple that wants it Patti I can't believe it what are the chances are you okay you don't look like you should be jumping on a trampoline are you all right okay all right all right give my friend Tony abadieh an oh my goodness well tonight we're gonna talk about the source of all life and I love this session because it helps us deal with codependency it helps us deal with the blame game in not only marriage but all of our relationships so I want to jump right in primarily to deal with this one main verse we're gonna look at other Scripture but this is the verse we're gonna launch with as we talk about your heart tonight proverbs 4:23 says above all else guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life it's the wellspring of life it's who you are in other words I'll put it to you this way every word I say every action I take flows from my heart now I've enjoyed over the last few years teaching my kids about their heart it's fun to teach an 8 year old and a 10 year old how to deal with relationships and how to manage and how to maintain their emotions I believe it's very important for every family and every church to be emotionally healthy believe it's very important for families to learn how to communicate in an emotional level and for families husbands wives sons and daughters to know how to process this big question what am I feeling right now how am I feeling right now and then here's the big question that a lot of us have to really wrestle with and we don't know how to do this but we have to wrestle with how do I manage or how do I deal with a bunch of emotions hitting me at one time how do I do that because I think part of the struggle I have with the session we're gonna look at tonight is in the church we've been taught how to suppress our emotions we've been taught how to kind of push them down don't don't spend too much time with them and I love dr. Dobson and I know we we took the book emotions can they be trusted but we need to start seeing emotions as information coming at us and we need to be able to process them if you have you dealt with a bunch of emotions at one time right anger is a secondary emotion you always feel something before you get angry you always feel fear hurt frustration before anger comes on the one time I remember my son was five when I dealt with a lot of emotions at one time like within 30 seconds I they were coming at me so quickly I didn't know what to do we were at that age that age in my child's life I couldn't wait for this age it was the age in which we could go to a theme park without a stroller how many of you longed for that season I couldn't wait for that season to go to a theme park without a stroll and some of you're like that's not the season the season is when you go into the theme park you look at your kids and you say all right meet back here at 4 o'clock how many of you like that season that's the season I'm looking forward to as well your mom and I are going back to the spa so so we're at that we're at that point we're like oh you know a day at Disney is a lot of work so maybe we should take it and I'm like my wife had this big double stroller with a little Hemi in the back it was humongous and I said let's just leave it at home can we leave it home she'll yeah I think we'll be ok 5 & 7 you know Korean I'm not worried about but Carson it may be a little sketchy so we were at this park called Epcot Center at Disney we're at the far end of the park on the other side of the lake it was getting late and Carson fell asleep and I looked at Amy I said what what are we gonna do I said we can't we can't leave him here I mean he has to go with us we can't pick him up in the morning and she said you're gonna have to carry him I said carry him I said it's a mile and a half to the bus it's a 20-minute ride on the bus then when you get to the resort if you've been it's another mile and a half down the hallway look at me I ain't Red Lobster's fresh catch of the day I know I don't work out enough to carry this kid she was you got to carry me so I picked him up and I put him in how many parent remember these days put him head on my shoulder and he's just dead weight completely out and I carry him out of the park I do pretty good from the far end of the park out to the bus and I sit on the bus and I have to hold him the whole time and he's out I get off the bus at the resort and I start walking down the hallway about halfway down the hallway I I start giving out my legs are shaking how many of you parents know what I'm talking about but you're like you can do this in my wife's walking alongside me kind of coach me going you can do you can do we're almost there almost there almost there when was there like I don't think I can make it I don't think I can make it give me that card over there give me that card you know I'm wondering if she finally gets to the door she opens the door I walk into the bedroom and I'm I have nothing left I lay him down on the bed and as his head hits the pillow his eyes open up and he goes gotcha and at that first emotion shocked which led quickly to I don't know what I mean I was I was ready I was I was shocked I was frustrated but then within like ten seconds I moved to how did you pull that off then in another ten seconds I'm like I'm proud of you you are my boy I'm really proud that you were able to do that and then what am I doing with in 30 seconds I'm laughing and I'm moving forward and I'm enjoying it and we to this day have these moments in our home we call gotcha moments and our kids love playing practical jokes and and we taught our kids not to be afraid of their emotions and so this morning I'm getting laying there in bed I'm not quite ready to get up but then at 5:30 the phone rings and I know it's a pastor when the phone rings it's usually not good when it's at 5:30 in the morning and I look over and it's my dad and I went off and I answer I go hey dad he goes hey Ted I know you're headed out of town today but I just want to tell you that grandma passed away this morning and I went we knew it my grandma turned 90 in October and and so right there my wife and I was it was beautiful for about 30 minutes as I particularly entered into mourning and I'm like okay now this is one of the this is the only weekend in September that I'm traveling alone and I'm go okay I'm gonna process this and move forward and so I wait and I get the kids up and I share with them that great-grandma has passed away and we sit there as a family and you know my go-to verse here is Ecclesiastes chapter 7 verses 1 & 2 that says a good name is better than fine perfume and the day of death is better than the day of birth for it is better to go to a house of mourning than to a house of feasting for death is the destiny of every man and the living should take this to heart and I was blessed this morning with an hour I've shed many tears along the way I know the guys sitting next to me on the flight from Dallas to Colorado Springs like and you got a problem can I get you they have these little bottles of stuff that they come around with and you want me to get you a couple of those no I'm I don't drink before seminars I'm just kidding that's a joke for those of you think that I'll drink after the seminar tonight I won't but but I I i sat there and as a family for about an hour we process and took the heart the death of Mary Jane Ludwig and all of our phone calls today and so if I have these moments where I start crying in the middle of a joke you're gonna give me grace I hope but I I just had there and I'm and I remember driving to the airport this morning just saying lord thank you for a family that understands emotions that knows how to process these I get to the airport I made a family from our church and they can tell something's wrong they go is everything okay pastor I said I got news a couple hours ago my grandma passed away and it's it's not that that again I'm mourning without hope according to 1st Thessalonians 4 my grandma is at home with the Lord I mourn with great hope I said my tears today are just just from just processing you know all that went on and they and they started sharing some of the stories that I've shared about my grandma over the years and it's been a good day for me to do what I'm gonna share with you tonight that hopefully you begin doing as well in your marriage in your family and in your relationship so if you've ever had a spouse that has frustrated you has hurt you that you let maybe live in fear with this message is for you if you have children that you use to try to impress other people if you use their attributes and accomplishments to try to make something of yourself or at times your kids frustrate you or hurt you or make you fearful if you have parents that do this some of you have people you're dating that do what we're gonna talk about tonight this is an opportunity for all of us to process emotionally and to not be afraid of emotions there it's it's data letting us know what's going on above all else guard your heart is the wellspring of life every word I say every action I take flows from my heart and so what I want to talk to you about tonight in this session is the love jug this is all this is is Gatorade it shows up better through the illustration but I keep one of these at home I keep it under the kitchen you can get any love jug but I love pulling this out whenever I sense an emotional conversation that needs to be had or we need to process something emotionally what I do is I set it up on the counter empty and I grab the hose from the sink and I fill it all the way up and I'll ask the kids what is this and they'll usually roll their eyes and Huff a little bit I love jug and it's funny sometimes I catch them doing something I pull the love jug out and they're like no they don't know dad we're ok we're fine everything's good I'm like yeah too late the love jugs out lecture begins many some maybe some of you have to do timeout or spanking not me lectures are the strongest form of discipline in our home and it depends on how bad you behaved I go real slow but you know what here's as many times as they've rolled their eyes at this illustration they'll never forget it they'll never forget it and and I told I told me other day I said you know one day you're gonna be 30 and I'm gonna be at your house and I'm gonna look under the sink and I bet I find one of these I bet I find one of these and so I pull it out I say okay what is it and they go it's the love jug what does the love jug represent it represents my heart I go okay and here's the question have to ask you who's responsible for your heart I am okay Corinne how much are you responsible a hundred and ten percent I go okay now who fills up your love jug and they respond God and through his son Jesus and I take the hose and I fill it up because the goal in our home is to make sure key here as close to possible as as close to full as we can get as possible is we can make this we want to be full but we understand their times we're at half we get that but if at all possible let us move towards a full tank because you understand what happens in your life when you're at this much right we get there because we don't get enough sleep we're not eating right we're having relationship issues there stresses in our life where we're dealing with toxic people and so we understand when we're at this this bowl because it's coming out of us remember above all else guard your heart it's the wellspring of life so the first question we have to ask about our heart is is it open or is it closed and how full is it now this is when it really gets fun this is when I really have a lot of fun I go over to our cupboard and I start pulling out glasses what did I pull out these glasses I start walking them through all these different people that we get to pour into and so I brought glasses that represent the the relationships in my life now this first glass so my goal if at all possible I want to be as full as possible that that's exactly what I want I want to make sure that I am full of God's love and then I start to think about all the people in my life that I'm gonna pour into now this first glass represents my wife now I grew up in an independent fundamental premillennial King James Version only Baptist Church this is not an approved glass just so you know that this is the Pastor Gary glass I got this from him so so my my desire is to pour into my wife I want to pour into her the average woman 20,000 words a day the average man 7,000 words a day I desire to give words to Amy when I listen to her I'm pouring into her when when we sit down and make Conte I contact eyeball to eyeball I'm pouring into her I desire her to be a priority relationship in my life to pour into so I understand when I go to work or when I'm you know in a counseling session or I'm with the kids I have to find ways to keep some in my love jug for her or find ways to make sure that I can get this full again because then right after Amy I 10 years ago we had Corinne May Cunningham and if the average woman speaks 20,000 words a day she speaks about 80,000 words a day I just give her my words my daughter right now was into pets she is into pets pets pets pets she wants to go to Petco every time every chance we get Pet Smart she wants to talk about how to take care of a parakeet how to take care of a fish and and I just know with her I don't have to fix anything I have to get anything I don't have to teach her Eddie I just have to listen and she is just in tune not the same with my eight-year-old mighty warrior my eight-year-old mighty warrior right now was into Bear Grylls okay so everything is about surviving and weapons last fall he said I go Carson what would be a great dad son just me and you do it cuz you know what I'm gonna do he's eight he says I want to go out in the woods with a knife and a canteen and I want to survive all night just me and you dad we'll catch our food we'll make our beds and our tents and our shelters and all of that and I started getting nervous again but then I realized but he didn't know it we camped I'm sorry we survived in the woods right behind Cracker Barrel so I was good then two streets over we have Ron and Bonnie Cunningham my parents and they are a lot of fun my dad he retired at 52 he's 66 years old right now and he watches way too much Fox News way too much Fox News I come in the house at night and I'm like hey Dad how's it going well we're going to hell in a handbasket that's how it's going all right hey Dad dad I told you you can't watch the news cycle the same news cycle 30 minutes long all day long it's no good for you you got to find something new to watch what's the matter I go I I said I go you need it for Agins I finally had to tell him for every four hours of news you watch you have to watch 30 minutes of Joel Osteen and it's not a theological thing it's just I you need some happy okay you get in so here's the psycho dad's sad happy sad happy but you gotta get into that my mom I love porn into my mom my mom had surgery on Wednesday and so you can imagine I stopped at the hospital on the way to the airport this morning to begin mourning with my mom as she lost her mom early today my mom is now the matriarch of our family she's the family historian like my grandma was my mom it is so easy to pour into her oh all you need to do to pour into Bonnie Cunningham is be connected to the family that's it I come over at night and and I can say hey mom how's it going oh good and this is all I have to say to pour into her my brother's name is Andy I just have to say this hey I talked to Andy today you know how he's doing you talked to him two hours ago but guess what my mom wants she wants me to replay that story that conversation because she loves I catch her doing this all the time when she walks in the house she dials my brother as though she's just been casually talking to him then when she sees me she goes here talk to your brother she wants me to be connected to my brother and that's a way I pour into my parents I love pouring into my parents this little shot glass here represents my mother-in-law okay and then I know I love my mother-in-law but some of you can relate you haven't even given them that much okay so then you go to work some of you have a boss who man he loved you last quarter numbers were good last quarter but we're in a new quarter hey how's it going John where we at this month oh there he goes the man he's wanting more the one man she's more right and so we're pouring in at work then you go and you everybody's got that guy in the cubicle next to him that sucks the life right out of them right how many of you have that person in the cubicle next yeah so this this sessions for all relationships some of you are dating people who just I mean on the first date they want to talk about family planning that's scary right we're told what kind of house you want to live they just said we haven't gotten the entry we're not talking about that we need some time but that's what happens okay but so look at all these people we pour into let me give you the definition of codependency codependency is sitting around with a near-empty lub jug waiting for all of these people to pour back into you this is why your relationships get drained this is why you get exhausted in your marriage this is why is a parent you get exhausted because here's the deal I'm a hundred percent responsible for this love jug I know what it needs to be full I know how to set boundaries and what affects this well let's talk about all the limits that affect that physical diet eating rest that impacts emotional we see how kids right we understand with small children when they didn't get their nap we can always tell it Church that child who's just a few seconds away from snapping those are the ones you invite to lunch right so they make your kids look better they're gonna pitch a fit and they're gonna go off off the deep end so I understand the emotional I understand relationships personality drives this I can handle a few more conversations in an evening my wife she wants to sit over there in the corner with one person what begins to fill her up and invest in her is if she has a deep conversation with one person not a shallow conversation with 30 people and as a pastor I have to keep guard the congregation of Woodland Hills Family Church is not in charge of this for me I am and and I am grateful I complement our congregation all the time I thank them all the time that they allow me to Pastor from a full love jug because I go all over the country and I see pastors who are pastoring and leading people from that much and it's sad when I meet couples I always picture to love jugs walking into the office and I always love looking at him because I can tell they're empty they're drained they've been they've been sucking the life out of each other for months or years and you know what my prayer is father that they would connect to you tonight as the true and only source of life that they would understand their spouse is not the source of life so let's look at some examples of this when my spouse is my source of life I blame her as the source of all my problems I stopped serving her I stopped listening to her why because she's not pouring into me the way I want to be poured into this is what happened so I'm on an empty logic and I feel I poured I poured I poured not wait a second when am I gonna get some of that back and when it doesn't come back when I want how I want and in the quantity in which I want it then I get all frustrated and the relationship begins to get exhausted and we become drained and you want the fastest way to begin reconnecting with your spouse unplug from them as the source of life they are not the source of life let me give you an example because when when when your spouse becomes your source of life you blame him or her as the source of all your problems and what you don't realize when you set your spouse up to be the source of your problems you automatically set them up to be the solution now you're stuck you're waiting let me give you a better way when you unplug it removes the expectation think about what would happen if you listen to your spouse with no expectation of them listening back you're like well that doesn't make sense let me give you an example for some reason and it may be the sweater vest whenever I walk into a store people assume I work there does anybody else have this problem I to me every single week people will ask me in stores do you work here I used to fight it and say no but not anymore I just go with it how may I help you and they're like well do you have this and I kid you not we're in a small town Branson Missouri the population of Branson city of Branson is ten thousand five hundred twenty people so I know most people in most stores and as I walk down the landing and so I've been caught in one or two back rooms at retail shops looking for shoe sizes and trying to find the right colors for people like what are you doing I'm just helping that guy out there had a question it doesn't seem like we have the size that he needs but I'm just done with it and so there's this little restaurant we love to go to for soup and sandwich in Branson it's called sugar leaf and it you have to understand in the fall we get millions of tourists into Branson and they're usually over the age of 80 they're senior adults so when I go to sugar leaf I act like I worked there this is the right I'm gonna encourage you to do this as well I love going up to people and just saying how was everything and I look like a manager a little bit tonight don't I with the black sweater vest everything but I'll walk up and so I walked up to this couple in the fall I walked right up to him and I said how was everything like I do my wife usually sitting over in the corner disowning me she acts like she doesn't know me and the guy looks at me he goes well to be honest with you I'm kind of frustrated I said well tell me what's going on we stood in line and there are times the lines 30 minutes long we stood in line and the only reason I stood in line is because it said yet bratwurst I got up here and found out you were out of bratwurst I went oh I said what can we do to make this right and he looked at his wife and I could just see he just lit up he's like well well thank you very much well I appreciate that and he's trying to figure out what what I could do to make it right I looked at him and I just said this what if I get you a piece of pie if I get you a piece of pie do you think that well now well thank you very much I would love peace bye so I just I went over to the counter I've become good friends with them and I I grant I brought a whole one tonight but you're gonna see and I got the piece of pie they played it so well I walked over to the gentleman I set it on his his table right in front of him and he said thank you so much I said you're welcome is there anything else we can do and he's like no I you you run a fine establishment here I said oh I said now this really threw him sir I don't work here he's looking at his wife like pushes the pie away like what where did this come from did he do something to it said no sir they put plated it right from the back there and and I know I'm here but I just I just thought I'd see how everything's going see you know I do this all the time here I just wanna make sure people are happy he didn't know what to do with it why because listen I was serving that guy with what zero expectations that he's gonna do anything back to me I mean there was just none of it there and here's what I've discovered weed the first Sunday I shared this with our church I had everybody lined up in the back with serving platters full of pie and I said watch how this works anybody here have a bad week raise your you can ask me right now raise your hand if you've had a bad week you've had a bad week let me tell you what pie does to a person who's had a bad week come on up here real quick I'm giving you a chocolate cream pie to take home and you watch what happens pie changes people pie changes people so I want you to take this home do you have children they're open we'll invite your neighbors over invite your neighbors over and have some pie because let me tell you how you can do this I'm gonna send you out to do this before you do this in your marriage because some of you are like and I I'm supposed to serve our pie you're missing the point but if you go to a restaurant this weekend here's what you do you don't you don't have to go buy him anything go to a restaurant I love doing this when I get up in a restroom together in the when I get up in the restaurant to go to the restroom I love stopping by tables on my way back to my table and just asking how was everything and you just hear people and then here's what's one better stop at the bus station and grab the water it's not illegal some of you are looking he's breaking so many rules by doing this they say you can't do this don't do it grab the water and start going around tables and just filling water and asking people how is everything and then at some point let him know I don't work here I just I wanted to see your water glass look low I thought I'd give you some water and we up and people like what is what are you doing man I'm doing what we've been called to do and that is serve and it's interesting how this is one of the first relationships we stopped serving this is one of the first relationships we stopped pouring into and we live in a marriage where all we do is blame one another you don't have to go to a restaurant and do this but I encourage you to go home after you unplug from your spouse's the source of life try pouring into them with no expectation of anything coming back into you and see what that does to change you because that's not the only relationship when I when I use my kids as the source of life I use them to impress other people and I like to use my kids to let people know hey successful kids means successful parent we have fallen and this is sad as parents we have fallen for this faulty input-output theory of parenting and here's what we believe as parents whatever we pour into our children is what we will get out of them and that's a faulty theory and weep so we believe the more I pour into them the more I will get out of them this is why reading is not acceptable its accelerated reading we got to make given the best got to get them in the best schools the best neighborhoods the best every pro got to start their professional sports career when they're six we have to get everything going we have to pour pour pour because at some point we'll get a return on that investment and and and this is what we know this what I love about being a dad I get to pour into my kids cuz Deuteronomy 6 says that I'm too impressed the truths of God's Word upon their hearts here o Israel that the Lord our God the Lord is one you will love the Lord your God with all of your heart soul mind and strength and I get to make sure first of all the scripture says in verse 6 that that's on my heart and then verse 7 says I impress that upon the hearts of my children but we believe that just pouring into our kids will guarantee the result back out and so we keep pouring we keep pouring we keep pouring again ding them to pour back a certain way and how many of us know especially when our kids are young huh we don't get out of them when they're little all that we're putting into them we don't even get a thank you we don't get it I appreciate you you know what we get we get these brief moments where we're trying to have a potty break all by ourselves with no interruption and for some of you you just got married you don't notice but I'm gonna help the couple that's been married six weeks for when you start to have children there's gonna be a moment where you're in the restroom and from the middle of the house you hear mom mom and you know what you need to do at that very moment don't make a sound this is this is it I call it the ask seek knock of children they'll start asking mom my mom you don't respond then all of a sudden you start hearing and they're coming to find you that's when you reach up and turn off the light and you sit there right you are alone right you just want you need a moment it's okay to have a moment but then if you don't respond to their seeking their asking or their seeking then what are you here okay and if you don't answer that this is the next thing you see [Applause] and can I just say for all of the parents are there any parents in here right now that this is the this is this is where your love jugs at right now you feel pretty low and on empty as a parent okay it's okay to be honest and so we think the answer is let's get more in the schedule we think the answer is we just we need to do more we need to be more productive with the time that we have but that's not how we think as parents you know what because of our trophy parenting or vanity parenting using our children's attributes and accomplishments to try to impress other people what we do is we run at this frantic pace our schedules have no room to breathe it's the it's the luggage that we take to the airport that the limit is 50 pounds and we put it up on there and it weighs forty eight point five and what do we do with a bag that weighs forty eight point five we stuff another pound and a half worth of nonsense in it we never think to ourselves maybe we should take eight and a half pounds out maybe we should lighten the load we see a pound and a half of something to play with but I see a pound and a half is let's step away let's take a break let's pause let's make sure we keep our priorities straight Ronald Reagan said all great change in America happens around the dinner table we need to slow down the pace of our home slow down the pace of our family you're not going to hurt your children by by saying no to opportunities the school is going to give you plenty of opportunities the community's gonna give you plenty of opportunities the sports teams are gonna get plenty of opportunities at some point as parents for the sake of the love jug we have to say no we have to build margin and a healthy rhythm and pace into our home and stop just pouring out pouring out pouring out pouring out what about our parents I love this because some of you are like I don't pour anything into my parents you may pour more into your parents than you think you do there's two ways we stay attached to home we stay attached to home either through approval or anger right we make decisions based on what mom and dad think or feel many of you vote the way you vote because of mom and dad you drive the same car mom and dad you I mean everything about the way you do life you've heard the story about the lady who chopped the ends off the pot roast every time she cooked them and so finally her daughter asked you know why do we chop the ends off the pot roast and the woman thought well I think it does something for the juices or it helps it cook quicker I don't know I'm gonna comment on so she calls grandma and grandma responds with that's a great question I don't know why I do we cut the ends off the pot roast by the time they get to great-grandma you know what they figured out great grandma just had a small pan they watch great grandma cut the ends off the pot roast to fit in the pan but now everybody generations down the way are doing that and some of us are attached to home through approval but there's some of us who are attached to home through unresolved anger like well no you're pouring more into your parents than you think you are even if they're not present we make decisions and and and move forward based on how they act and feel and some of you your marriage right now is struggling because you're too attached to home and you need to cut the strings it's that moment I love that moment when a mom comes up to me at a wedding and says I don't feel like I'm losing a son today feel like I'm gaining a daughter I respond the same every time nope you're losing a son look at there are wives in here right now gonna preach that one and you know what I'll tell mom you need to stop calling him every day and you know what mom will say back to me what's wrong with the son loving his mom okay you see what she just did right there she equated loving mom with a phone call every day I said no it's time to cut the strings I love this moment in a wedding when dad is giving his daughter away this is our worship pastor who's being hugged that's our P Harrell he traveled for years with Merle Haggard he's a great musician in Branson and I just loved this picture because he's not letting Katy go he's not letting her go Matt won't tell me what our piece said in his ear and but I do remember this because it's what I do at every wedding and I just encourage you all slow down the pace of the wedding because I always tell Dad when you get down here when I met the rehearsal when you get down here tomorrow and I say who gives this woman to be married to this man you're gonna respond with her mother and I I said but it's not gonna be just step back go sit down and we go about the the wedding no it's gonna be who gives this woman to be married to this man you're gonna respond with her mother and I then you're gonna turn and face your daughter and you're gonna speak words of blessing over her you're going to honor her and dad always looks at me with these eyes and with these you know expressions like yeah no big deal bro you got no idea what's gonna hit you like a train tomorrow because our pee turn and face Katie and this is all we heard and we're all reaching for the Kleenex but our pee knows hey the strings they're cut they're cut and mom and dad they get to be a part of the family but they're there needs to be a healthy separation we believe according to Genesis 2:24 where it clearly says for this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife and the two become one flesh the two become one flesh let me let me let me add to this because I can't move on from this without talking to the singles for just a second you're dating someone right now and you're trying to figure out is this the one is this the one and you're going through the test and you need to go through this test because young people today will talk about it in the last session tomorrow we're having a very difficult time forming relationships relationship formation has changed and it was based years ago we used to base all of our relationship formation on decisions we made decisions we moved forward with that decision I made the decision when I met Amy the night I met her I said this is the woman I'm gonna marry and I made that decision and then I decided I'm gonna ask her out so I asked her out and then I decided I want to marry this woman so I need to get somebody else involved in the decision-making and who else did I get involved in the decision-making father-in-law my father in lost six foot two full-blooded Norwegian pretty much a Viking I walked into the home in Fremont Nebraska and I said mr. Freitag I would like to marry your daughter and he responded with you betcha I said but only under one condition he said what's that I said you allow me to pay for her senior year of college to which he responded you betcha but young people today are having a very difficult time making those decisions so what they're doing is they're just kind of sliding past all of these decisions call it sliding vers deciding we'll talk about it more tomorrow but instead of deciding we're just kind of moving in and we don't know how to separate character from chemistry character from competency right the type of work a man does is competency the the the hard work ethic as part of character character Trump's chemistry character Trump's personality and and and the mix that you you hear on TV all the time about finding your soulmate eHarmony and match.com character Trump's all of that respect for authorities part of character you like oh but he's so cute I love that rebel side of him but when he's disrespectful and dishonouring towards his parents understand that's gonna be very difficult down the road for him to keep a job because respect for authority begins at home like why is this so important well because you're now in a dating relationship and codependency can be identified quickly early on in a dating relationship by the amount of expectation that is placed on you in the first couple of dates okay we have to allow relationships to form in a healthy way and those relationships are formed through decision not through well let's just leave it loose let's just let it happen no make decisions based on Scripture based on truth and then when you begin making decisions you pour into that person right without and this is what's tricky when you're dating because when you're dating you're pouring into each other it's easier because that's curiosity and fascination that's all dating is about learning about the other person the Song of Solomon 2:14 the dove and the clefts of the rock you're trying to bring that lady out you're trying to bring that man out you're trying to understand who they are and so pouring into them is easy and you do that with pretty little expectation but as the relationship goes on if you're not careful duty and responsibility begins to trump curiosity and fascination and in a dating relationship early on you have to be careful as you're forming the relationship and as you're making solid decisions about relationship to not plug into that person as the source of life so here's the bottom line to this whole talk God is my source of life not you God is my source of life not you let's look at what it says in first John first John chapter 4 4 just to help us understand how to rely on the source of life and to make sure we know who we are connected to is the source if it's not all of these people if anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God God lives in them and they in God in other words Jesus is God's love language ok my wife she has to love language if you know what a love language is the way we give and receive love her to love languages are acts of service and quality time which means I serve her for long periods of time that's how you bring those two love languages together God has one love language his love language is Jesus it's the way he gives love and it's the way he receives love so we rely on that love we are connected to him as the true and only source of life we know and rely on the love God has for us god is love whoever lives in love lives in God and God in them verse 19 says this we love because He first loved us in other words no matter how hard you try you cannot create love you cannot generate love you can only receive it no matter how hard you try you can't just generate forgiveness you can't just say I'm just gonna I'm gonna meditate on forgiveness and compassion and watch what happens though you receive forgiveness if you meet an unforgiving person know clearly that person does not know they are forgiven they haven't learned how to walk in forgiveness because we only pour out what's in us so we know and rely on the love God has for us we know and rely on the forgiveness that we have received forgive as wife scripture says forgive as Christ forgave you I can pour for I can forgive you of your trespasses because mine have been forgiven I can pour out of that but what we have to begin thinking through is and and remove and walk away from and abandon and forsake is this idea that the supply God has for us is limited I think this is how most of us operate I was full and I went to church Sunday and I got filled up and that's got to get me through till next Sunday and this is why you see people lead church one of the worst lines you can give and leaving a church I'm leaving because I'm not being fed it's like what if you are relying on your love jug being full one day a week or one sermon a week you are not connected to the true and only source of life you're connected to a church you're connected to a pastor but you're not connected to the true and only source of life you have to be connected I remember a couple years ago we used to do this fall event called Woodstock and at the it was in a theme park that we have abandoned there in in Branson it's actually where our church meets we meet in the abandoned castle abandoned theme park castle and you meet in Home Depot we meet in a castle and as as we were nearing the event my wife who does all of our environments looked around and said this is horrible that this place doesn't look near ready and she gives me the rest of her budget and she says would you grab a couple of trucks and a couple of guys go down to the pumpkin patch buy out their pumpkins you know this is so this is October 31st this is Halloween night we didn't call Halloween it was Fall Festival so had our Fall Festival so I go with a couple of trucks I pull into this young man in a tent I look out there's about 150 pumpkins and I look out and I say Johnny this is your lucky day he goes why's that I go I'm here to buy all of your pumpkins and he looked at me with this the shocked expression and he says what no you you can't buy all my pumpkins I said I I can't buy all your pumpkins he said No ah I said Johnny it's October 31st this is like Halloween and then it's done and this is the afternoon I'm gonna buy him out and you're done for the day and here's what he said to me but if I sell you all my pumpkins I won't have any pumpkins to sell other people and I told you we're in the Ozarks right and it was at that moment that I realized instantly he was not the owner of the pumpkin patch I said well how many can I buy he goes how about half I go half he was yeah only half I said oh okay and I couldn't convince him to let me buy all them so I buy half of them we get back we're setting him up and I pull all the guys who helped me together hey guys come here I just want to tell you about the conversation that's happening at the pumpkin patch right now and I'm just gonna role play this the owner showed up Johnny how's it going you're never gonna believe this one boss a guy came by earlier tried to buy all our pumpkins but don't worry I stopped him I said no you can't buy all our pumpkins right this is that scarcity mentality that we all live with I have to be careful in this interaction I don't want to give you too much because I need to have more to give everybody else when we're plugged into the true and only source of life we don't have to worry about supply this is the key this is the key to the whole thing this is not a limited supply that's why I said at the beginning the most important question you can ask tonight in your life and in your heart the wellspring of your life is it open or closed unresolved anger bitterness resentment frustration relying on other people as your source of life keeps your heart close from the true and only source and now you have a limited supply this is why when you run into a toxic person who has very little left but it's not even this clear blue stuff it's just nasty you meet a person who's not connected to the true and only source have you ever been home I've had this happen I've been home and I get a knock on the door I open the door and the guy goes hey yeah we're doing some construction up the street and I just wanted you to know we're going to turn the water off for our I'm thirsty how many of you know what I'm talking about you've done that and you're looking to your fill the bathtubs in the sink so guys know it's only like an hour I know we're gonna run out of water how about the morning we woke up to the dreaded news Twinkies went bankrupt we hadn't had a Twinkie in 20 years but just that news was like baby quick we gotta get to the store there's gonna be a run on Twinkies and there was but then they came back they came back and we were saved and I'm here too anybody did have when's the last time you had a Twinkie I mean help yourself afterwards I'll throw some on the stage and look at their new and improved their banana Twinkies you don't have to eat it tonight you can eat it in 2075 whenever you want to eat it but I'll just throw some Twinkies out there for everybody save them for your great-grandchildren if you want a couple for the stage over there it was like that's a limited supply we know the true and only source and I'll end with this illustration that you and I hope you grasp this idea of moving away from codependency and being free to pour into all of these people I get to now go to the church as a pastor because there was a day as a pastor I was done and I would go in like a little two-year-old with you know I'm tired of pouring into people all they know whenever comes in my office and says hey what can we do for you nobody does that and I'd walk out go and plead to all the others takers it'll take easy front row you people just you you do not say anything in this part of the message they're just takers all they want to do is suck the life out of me and I would I would I would because I'd be sitting around these were all church members I'm just sitting around waiting for all them to pour back into me the congregation is not the pastor's source of life so no matter what Evan flow a congregation goes through not the source and so last year my daughter comes home from school and I could tell she was having a couple of bad days and I said Corrine what's going on and she finally tells me that there's a new student teacher and she just doesn't feel the new student student teacher cares for all that much and I said well tell me what's going on I try to teach my kids the reason we don't judge people we make bad judges because we don't know all the facts we don't know all the motives we ourselves are imperfect and inconsistent so trying to get this lesson through said Corinne what's going on dad she just does not like me I do things right and I look for her because remember little girls can't stand flat faces little girls were always looking too when you discipline your daughters they're looking at you to see how's dad or how's mom feel about me right now when you discipline your son what do they do right cut off that eye contact break eye contact and the person's not even in the room anymore but with a little girl she can't stand flat faces and so for a couple of days this this teacher was not responding to Corinne and after dinner I went over and I pulled out the love jug I pull it out I said on the counter she's like oh I said Corinne why why do does your mom pray with you every morning before you leave I said why do I as before you get out of the car I father cover them in the blood of Jesus protect them from evil fulfill your purpose in their lives why do why do we pray that over you why at night do we pull out these crazy devotional cards and teach you the scripture why why do we do and I just walk through some of the reasons why we do is she understand let's - it's to be full of God's love and to be connected to the true and only source and so I grabbed the sink and I start filling it up I get it - as full as we can write if at all possible be full get as close as you can and so I go over to the cupboard and I look for the biggest container I can find and I find a large glass I bring it over and I said this is your teacher and I said Corinne every day you're going in and you're pouring all of your emotional energy into her waiting for her to respond to you waiting for a reaction I said in Korean you know this family's passion about staying away from codependency I said I want you to go in tomorrow and serve that teacher love that teacher expecting nothing in return be connected to the true and only source of life you want to know what the absolute best marriage in the world is a husband and wife both connected to the true and only source of life giving one another the overflow some of you are in a tough marriage right now your one spouse connected to the true and only source of life and the other is not and that's a difficult marriage it's not a reason to leave it's not a reason to flee you continue first Peter 3 verses 1 through 6 speak to this directly through the cultivating of a gentle and quiet spirit this develops an inner beauty that the scripture says is of great worth in God's sight you continue to stay plugged into the true and only source of life it's why at a wedding when there's a unity candle I don't have them blow out the individual candles anymore keep the individual candles lit because those individual candles represent your individual spiritual journeys the unity candle represents your marriage journey but this represents the fact I'm plugged into the true and only source of life and all God's people said hey would you pray with me this evening father were grateful for our time we look to you as the true and only source of life I pray that husband's tonight the Holy Spirit is calling them by name that that they get this they understand Wow I'm looking to this child or to this parent or to my wife as the source I pray many are being set free tonight because their source has been a parent that they just can't stand that tonight they're unplugging from that parent is the source of life and plugging into you and then receiving that forgiveness that forgiveness that they need to offer that parent that we would understand that our hearts that's the wellspring of life that I each day would be as full as possible so that as I interact with people I'm not dealing with the limited supply you are an unlimited supply I can pour into others because I know who the source is and I can come back and be refreshed and it is in the mighty name of Jesus that everyone agreed and said I look forward to seeing you tomorrow I want to invite pastors and church leaders I'll be out at the resource table but tomorrow morning I'm gonna get here a little bit early I'd like to meet with you for just a few moments to share a few things with you before we begin in our first session so if you're available I'm gonna ask if there's a room here that we can get to I'd love to be able to connect with you other than that we'll see you first thing in the morning thank you for a great night we look forward to seeing you tomorrow morning here and again if your pastor come with it earlier unity meet with Ted for a few moments and stand with me if you would please while we're getting ready to be dismissed nobody leave without giving least five handshakes to people or now to the same person okay that would look a little weird after a while just like one two three four five or hugs to each other God's blessing on your grace peace to you have a wonderful night drive safely you're dismissed [Music]

Channel: Springs Church

Views: 10,569

Rating: 5 out of 5

Keywords: Ted Cunningham, Marriage (Religious Practice), Jesus Christ (Deity), relationships, emotions, love, family

Id: yxwK4-uBgUY

Length: 60min 31sec (3631 seconds)

Published: Fri Feb 07 2014