The Date Night Challenge - Ted Cunningham

well hey today is a resourcing day we are going to resource you for these date nights and so last night I know I met many of you who weren't able to make it last night but you're here this morning just a recap this is my heart we call it in the Cunningham home the love jug prop or proverbs 4:23 says above all else guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life in other words I have to care for my heart I take 100% personal responsibility for my heart and every word and action and attitude and behavior that flows out of this this is my responsibility in this session we have a couple of fun sessions today but we're gonna we're gonna move towards the very serious and the last session this morning I'm going to talk about catching the little foxes in your marriage and dealing with the little foxes before they grow into big foxes and talking about the little foxes before you're at the big Fox level and we're going to talk about some of the trends that we're seeing today in marriages and the church and or in the country but in this session I want to I want to equip you there's a lot of resources that come with this session a lot of free stuff that I want to give you that you can take and begin using in your dates and in your conversations so if you have your Bibles I want you to turn to the Song of Solomon chapter 1 in your translation maybe the Song of Songs we're gonna look at three delays three getaways that we all need they're all in the Song of Solomon now this is a fun session because this is going to help us this session helps us with practical strategies on keeping the love jug full a lot of you asked me last night and I'm glad you asked it means you're paying attention what what do I need to do to make sure I don't live life with an empty love jug or what do I need to do if my love jug is empty and it's toxic so I thank you for your honesty this session is going to be very practical on how you and I can make sure we are living life in such a way that we are full we are full of God's love we can member we talked about this last night we can't generate we can't create we can't produce love we can't generate we can't create week produce forgiveness we only receive it but to receive it we have to have something in our life we call margin margin is the gap between my load and my limit so here's my limit limits there's many limits that we all have we have physical emotional relational financial spiritual limits and we have to be on guard and understand our load because I'm a hundred percent responsible for my love jug I have to be the one who's aware when my load is starting to hit my limit and for me to live in a place of being full I have to retreat when I know I'm getting close to my limit is what I love saying at Woodland Hills when somebody will come up to me and go hey pastor do you have time to talk and I'm like no I don't like oh you have something going on and I respond with then actually no I don't they really they can't even because it's not how we process life they're like why no you're real busy well actually you caught me at a good time I'm not busy they're like okay and then they start talking to my go bub oh wait I just told you I wasn't busy and they look at me like yeah that means I can have that time I think no no no no if you start talking to me then I'll be busy is everybody see how this works but see we just assumed Oh somebody's not busy so we got to make them busy no no no we don't we need to begin teaching this to our kids how many of you have ever had a kid that said I'm bored anybody ever have that that's my favorite thing it never is spoken in our home you know why because when our kids say they're bored they clean baseboards right we go immediately to the cleaning will help you prevent the boredom but but but we have to understand sometimes relaxing unplugging not adding more to the schedule not saying yes to everyone who calls or rings or text or Facebook messages you stepping back and say you know what right now if I start to really engage I'm not at a good healthy place I know what I need to do to build this back so I had a mentor and a few years ago he met with me it's going on ten years ago now and he said Ted if you're gonna survive in marriage and you're gonna survive in ministry and you're gonna just survive in life and family in general you have to guard with tenacity you have to guard three very important delays he said you need a daily delay you need 15 to 20 minutes a day where you were unplugged and it's just you and Amy connecting to one another eyeball the eyeball tech-free right body posture connected to body posture you need that 15 to 20 minutes a day but then you need a weekly withdrawal this is what we would refer to as a date night he said you know you have to go away from your home you have to go on the town and you just have to unplug and leave the phone in the car relax and unwind together talk about that one and then he said the third one he said this is a biggie a lot a lot of couples don't prioritize this third delay it's called the annual abandon it's where you plan and overnight or maybe two nights out of town you do a Priceline date you do something you begin to plan a special trip for you and your spouse because anticipation and dreaming or big part of marriage that we've let fall away he said you do these three things and I promise you you will maintain balance in your marriage family and ministry and then when you look at the Song of Solomon you see all three of these are there so I want to break these down for you this morning but we're gonna start I want to show you just a couple of pictures of my family since I talk about him so much I want to make sure I on him this first picture is of Amy and I on a date that jacket I wear like every single day and I never take it off and Amy she buys me new ones just so I can you know refresh my wardrobe because she is a very classy lady and she has to keep me on my toes and I met her on a blind date made the decision on the night I met her this is my wife and it'll be 18 years in October I turned 40 last week so I'm old I've been waiting for 40 and so we're celebrating my birthday there and then there and then this is my ten-year-old daughter this is the princess that was the queen this is my princess we're at a restaurant does anybody notice what's in my hands it's called a rainbow loom how many here have a rainbow loom in your home raise your hand okay my fingers are worn out because this is her passion in life and she is a crafting girl she is my princess I explained to her years ago you will never be my queen your mother is the queen and the first time I told her that she looked at me with the eyes that said we'll see there's room enough in our house for two queens but she is my princess and every day I want to show her how a queen should be treated so that she will meet a young man and she will not settle but she will find a young man become the queen of that young man and she'll know how a queen should be treated and then I have this passionate mighty warrior who is eight years old like everything that you place in his hand automatically becomes a weapon if you're a liberal you're not gonna get along with me - well because I let him pretend shoot and kill everything and this my son is an absolute ball to be around I had to go to a counselor friend because I'm Camilla stew make sure you know that his obsession and passion for weapons doesn't translate into something dangerous down the road and my counselor friend said there's actually a lot of little steps you know between where Carson is at and here so I let him step so this is cheesecake we're eating so he's gonna kill it and destroy it before we eat it as a family I love my family and so the first delay we're gonna look at this morning is the daily delay which includes my whole family and it includes my marriage and I want to show you this out of the Song of Solomon chapter 1 verses 12 through 17 I call this the daily getaway it's the daily delay so if you have your Bibles I want to just show you where we're going and the idea behind creating your home as an inn Getty and Getty in this text is referring to a place of rest and refreshment and rejuvenation our home should be a safe place and all God's people said our home should be a place where we unplug from the world home should be a place where we enjoy one another our home should be a place where we take a break from the grind it should be that place of rest and rejuvenation I remember when my friend called me one day he had all he had three children under five and he's sitting in his driveway his name's John and he calls me hey John what's happening he goes give me one good reason why I should go in there right now well because your family's in there now so I just want to say before we jump into looking at this in detail you're not a bad parent if you've ever had to psych yourself up to go home how many know what I'm talking about let's be real honest and transparent so you're not an evil parent if you're like my home's not even getting every person in there's crazy they're insane and dads today maybe don't think their home is rest and rejuvenation because they know as soon as they come in this is the modern-day parenting you have to become the entertainer right you get the kids handed to you and it's your job now two to three hours keep them entertained party party party and dad's like I just I just need a little break so hopefully this very first text will will help guide you towards that that our home is a place to rest it's a place to enjoy one another and you're even gonna see in the text of this idea of safety it's a judgment-free zone we get treated poorly enough in the world that we don't need to deal with that when we go home we want home to be a place so if you're a guy who's thinking man home is an getti home is a place of rest and unplugging and rejuvenation I just I don't see it well let's look at the text I just want to walk through it verse 12 and again they're not married yet at this part in the book but this is the Shulamite woman speaking to solomon while the king was at his table my perfume spread its fragrance my beloved to me is a sachet of myrrh resting between my breasts I love this idea cuz that's what a woman would do in that day to get that beautiful smell all over her body she would just rest with a pouch of spice or fragrance between her breasts and it would just permeate everything and she's saying that Solomon to me I can't stop thinking about this guy he is he's in my thoughts and he's in my life and she says my beloved is to me a cluster of henna blossoms from the vineyards of Eng Getty this desert oasis on the western shore of the Dead Sea he comes in and says how beautiful you are my darling oh how beautiful your eyes are doves how handsome you are she says my beloved oh how charming and and and then she jumps down to verse 17 I love this because now it speaks that not only is this home that we're going to build together going to be a place of rest and rejuvenation this home is also going to be a place of great safety and that's what she describes in verse 17 the beams of our house our Cedars our rafters our fir when we come home at night we my wife and I are getting passionate about the family table we love spending time around the table my wife and I are studying these days something and maybe you've never heard of it maybe you have it's called the slow food movement raise your hand if you've heard of the slow food movement there's like five of you because it has not caught on in this country it's where we slow down our meals and we enjoy one another around the table my wife has gotten so passionate about the family table idea she swapped our dining room and living room and now my wife's love language I told you last night as acts of service and quality time she actually has a third one that Gary Chapman never came up with it's called rearranging furniture my wife is passionate about rearranging furniture and I came home when she's gotten so good at it she moves it all by herself and I come home to the room I thought I had is no longer there and so the dining room is now in the family room and in the living room in front of the fireplace I'm like what and and I'm one of these guys where we built it and on the house plans it said living room so it will always be the living room it said the dining room so it will always be the dining room and she said this I love it and it's really what woke us up to this idea of slowing down the home and enjoying time around the table she said the dining room table will be the center of our home she said it's where we're gonna slow down and we're learning to appreciate food as God created it and scripture says in Ecclesiastes 9 7 through 9 go and eat your food with gladness drink your wine with a joyful heart for now God favors what you do always be clothed in white and always anoint your head with oil speaking there of joy and festivity it says then enjoy life with your wife whom you love all your meaningless days for this is your lot in life and in your toilsome labour under the Sun and I love the whole idea behind it classes that our work is toilsome the word toil some in the text means gruesome it's difficult it's painful it's hard but but taking a break from the grind with your spouse and with your family to enjoy food and drink that's the whole idea and so we've slowed down the pace of our home so much and when we enjoy meals out I mean we're talking meals that last hours and my son who's eight my daughter's pretty good with that my son eight not so much into it yet and he'll ask us almost every night before dinner is this gonna be a long meal right cuz he's like a lot of guys he has to psych himself up for this but here's what we do and the time goes fast now we're not legalistic with this so it's not like we sit down every night we're not the Waltons we're not there every night three hours around the dining room table but here's where you start you're just not in a hurry you just don't need the technology create a tech free drawer put all your technology in it and enjoy one another at the table and when we come to the table our and gety when we're in our home we are going to enjoy one another and find safety in one another and let me show you how we do that we have created a family Constitution if you don't have a family Constitution get one if you don't have a family Constitution start drafting one I'm going to show you how simple ours is it's ten points but there's great strength and power when you come together as a family when we convene around the table it's where we discuss our common beliefs and there's power in saying what do the Cunningham's believe and then when we're out and about around town I'm able to see stuff or hear stuff or interact with people and I look to my kids and I'll say what do the Cunningham's believe what do we hold to be true and so let's look through some of these and you can steal all of these as you begin your family Constitution I love people we don't even have to take notes anymore he's taking pictures of the screen man we don't we don't even have to buy pens anymore I love that when you put some I've already goes okay let's just do that okay fully engage right so let's look at this number one and this is the only one that every member of our family weighs in on and participates in because I can't force my children to love Jesus the scripture says I impress a truth for the love upon their heart but number one on our list our entire family has agreed upon our entire family is passionate about it first and foremost we will love the Lord with all of our heart soul mind and strength he is the boss of our home he will be the one we go to with every decision that we need to make if you want to put verses next to these that's Deuteronomy 6 4 & 5 number 2 we will read and memorize scripture together we we started last year going through I mean we got a little ambitious we said we were gonna memorize the book of Philippians together and my daughter she's firstborn how many of you know the firstborn passionate let's charge ahead take the hill knife in the teeth we're going for it and this just this just took the time man around the table we just kept going over and over and over the text and just so you know we have not yet memorized the book of Philippians but we are pursuing it number three we will pray together every day I just want to challenge you it's for some of us dinner prayer is as simple as father we thank you for this food use it to strengthen us in Jesus name Amen I just want to encourage you to really slow down that time and I'm not saying you have to start with your list of missionaries from the church and work your way through it before you eat because my parents would never eat at our home if we did that right they I'm not I'm saying there are times and for some of us we need to take that that time right before bed and use it the time before bed in our home on the majority of nights is every member of the family praying we're taking this time before we send the kids out of the car in the morning to go to school we pray the blood of Jesus over them protect them from evil fulfill your purpose in their lives we will pray together every day as a family before we will speak words of high honor over each other every day this is how you create a safe home we don't allow name-calling in our home we don't we don't allow tearing one another down in our home our home will be a judgment-free zone we get enough of that in the world we get enough of that on the internet we get enough of that through media and music and television one of our favorite things to do is to go around the table and share one kind word with each on each member of the family and many of you were here last year you remember that I shared these and I'm gonna share them now again I'm not gonna go through as much as I did last year Levin bailed open but Amy and I just we created these family DeVos because we wanted something intentional around the table and so this is very much Deuteronomy 6 the key to learning is repetition and so we start with these cards and we created them you know without a graphic artist at first but we started every night back with the aunt and asked the kids what's the aunt and it's proverbs 6:6 go to the ant you sluggard consider his ways and be wise we talked about hard work as a family I love the BB as kind words like honey sweet to the soul and healthy to the body and you see how these cards fit with our family Constitution we speak words of high value over one another we bless one another with our words and so I love there's no greater joy and I think this is the joy our Heavenly Father experiences when two believers are speaking blessing over one another when I hear my daughter speak a blessing over my son and it can be a son my son just looks at her and he did something the other day we were at a movie I forgot it was a cartoon at the nut job I think we were at and he just got out his his iPod he pulled out the notes and he just started writing down in list for him everything that he thought was cool about his sister this is this is a value in our home so we take turn we call this the honor bombardment we just go around and we all speak high value over the other members of our family I love getting to the Campbell the Campbell is it's easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter heaven and we talked about as a family what it means to love stuff more than Jesus I'm sharing these because you're going see how these play out in our Constitution the D is the dog the kids love this one as a dog returns to its vomit so a fool repeats this folly and you'll see where that comes about because we keep we keep moving through number five we will offer grace for mistakes and avoid repeating the same mistakes that's the dog in our Devo series we offer one another grace we ask the other night we were on this card and I said hey is there is there anything that's happened in the last couple weeks that we need to work through that that mistakes that you've made that you didn't feel you felt grace from the rest of us and we need to extend that to you right now because we want to learn from our mistakes we don't want to be the dog returning to its vomit so we go on the a the ant is number six and this was long before Dave Ramsey was on the scene my parents were teaching me this we will work hard give generously save wisely and spend sensibly I I grew up with a dad who when he would see the grass too high on a neighbor's yard he would drop me off on the way home from church and say go up knock on the door and and offer to mow for 10 bucks I go dad that's three quarters of an acre a foot and a half high he goes well you're gonna have to do the thing where you back up and shake the grass out and go a little further and he would sit over at our house and just laugh and enjoy but my parents weren't really into children who sat around doing nothing and and how many of you grew up in a similar home let me see your hands yeah so it was like get out so we teach our kids hard work and I tell Carson when mom says go upstairs and clean and you respond with my legs are it's at the aunt or the sluggard we will work hard give generously save wisely spend sensibly we will love support and serve our church you know a couple years ago I was at a family camp and many of the parents were just talking about how their children are not taking their faith seriously and and it's only about 45 families at this camp and and that they're not really taking the church seriously and they wish their kids were more committed to the church and at the end of the week I stood up and I said I don't know if you all realize this but throughout this week I've asked you all individually almost all of you tell about your church and I'll be honest with you I got pathetic answers the answers I got were well you know our church is doing this a kind of in transition I just wish they would or well we don't really have a church that we call home and there's these two or three churches that we go to and we like in our eyes and I just walked through about five or six general answers we received when I asked parents about their church and then I just asked them I said I parents I say this is a pastor this comes from the heart of a pastor who loves you why in the world would you expect your kids to be passionate about the church when you're not why why would you expect them to serve the church when you don't why would you expect them to be loyal and give and support the ministries of a church when that's not in your heart right the verse 6 of Deuteronomy 6 is what these truths it'll be upon my heart first and then verse 7 says then I impress them upon my children we will love and support our church and listen Amy and I we get exhausted on Sunday I don't know if you but Sunday wipes us out but our kids can't get enough of it and one of the reasons I don't even really entertain offers from other churches when they're like hey you want to come and consider I love that we have dedicated our life to Woodland Hills Family Church it's where our kids and I tell the kids all the time because I kind of just need them to be aware that the Lord does change directions and plans and I said hey hey guys what if what if we did get called to another church and they responded with we ain't going I'm like okay I'm gonna ask you because I know they're sensitive to the Lord's leading their life I said what if the Lord calls us to another church and I'll never forget Korean when I first started sharing this with her about three years ago she says and I corrected her for the tone but she said I'll go if the Lord calls us but I won't go if it's you I went okay well we got to work on two issues right here that anyway so but we will love support and serve our church we want our children to be passionate about the church number eight we will laugh together every day this is the value in our home we do dance parties at our family table and and watching me dance is hilarious and that always gets a good laugh but we make sure we laugh every day and I love and Amy told me this last night on the phone she she's just thrilled and she says Ted there's no greater delight in in me than when I see you taking the light and our children and I'm grateful that my kids are developing a great sense of humor we were at a hotel the other day and my daughter was staying with us and my son was going with his grandfather and Corinne left something in her grandpa's truck and so Carson said I'll bring it up to you and we were on the 10th floor of this hotel and Carson comes up with the whatever Corinne left and-and-and Krim was alone in the room and Carson knocks on the door and Corinne doing as she was trained said who is it and Carson in the crack of the door goes your worst night and I thought yes these are those moments that I live for my son my son I love when when I start singing or doing something in the car we sing a lot in the car his expression and this expression just always makes me laugh when I do something that I know my kids are getting to the age where it's embarrassing them he responds with hawk word right hopefully you're developing your family's sense of humor and I'll give you some practical 's to do that in just a moment number 9 and we talked about this last night we will take 100% personal responsibility for our emotions words and actions we will not have codependency in home talked about that number 10 and all God's people said amen to this one we will live in the moment not on technology let me repeat that one we will live in the moment not on technology there's a great video online if you get a chance to look at it it's it's just everybody doing life it's the saddest thing you've ever seen because like we're at the bowling alley right and somebody's bowling and they get us strike and they turn around and they go to celebrate with their friends but everybody's what see we're recording moments but we're not living in the moments we're picturing the moment but we're not living in the moment I was in line at a rental car company two weeks ago and and behind me were three couples in a row and and I looked back at him no conversation going on all the couples were standing there and I got all judgmental I was like oh that's ridiculous you people are ridiculous you need to be living in the moment I turn around and I go we'll talk about this in the last session but this is a little fox that we need to get control of we need to teach our kids how to live in the moment we need to teach our kids when we're out at restaurants I'm teaching them listen when the waiter the waitress comes up to the table make eye contact if you're not letting your kids order let your children order this is how we begin to teach this I don't want to raise children who have crooked necks because they're like this all the time we want to live in the moment and again I'm not legalistic with this all of our kids have technology but we need limits we need some limits for their health and for their sanity for us we've kind of set up with our kids and vacations the rules change a little bit a time off school the rules change a little bit but on average all technology across the board we limit our kids to about an hour a day because if you know most kids today are online teenagers are online 5 to 7 hours a day in some form it's too much our children are becoming addicted so this is this is the value of our home we want to create a home that is and gety so let's move on to the next one because this one we have a lot of fun with as well the weekly getaway this is in oh and I love this the Song of Solomon - one through thirteen let's read it together this is a fun fun text to look at she says I am a Rose of Sharon a lily of the valleys he says like a lily among thorns is my darling among the young women she then speaks out great words of praise over him in verses three through seven like an apple tree among the trees of the forest is my beloved among the young men I delight look at they get the slow the slowness of this passage I delight to sit in his shade and his fruit is sweet to my taste so what she's saying is he's protection to me I get shade from him and then while I'm basking in his shade I can reach up and get a little snack I love this text and by the way that's my wife I want to be that for my wife protection and a snack for my wife I want to make sure she knows she is safe with me and I've taught my daughter as well I am your protection right now until I walk you down an aisle and hand you over to hopefully someone who's not a mess someone who's hopefully not addicted we want to guard against this because we've spent so long protecting you and guarding you we want you to understand the value of a shade tree let him lead me to the banquet hall and let his banner over me be loved I love this idea when you were in battle in those days there would be banners set up all around the field so when you got into the thick of battle and you'd look up bloody dirty you would look for your banner and look you would run to your banner to find safety and protection and what she is saying is his banner over me his love he's the place I know I can run to and he will promote me he will stand by me he will encourage me strengthen me with raisins refresh me with apples for I am faint with love she is so in love it's impacting her physically and then she portrays she gives a beautiful portrait of this this his left arm under my head and his right arm embraces me so he's holding her so it amidst all this energy and physical desire for physical intimacy she says in verse seven daughters of Jerusalem I charge you by the gazelles and by the doze of the field do not arouse or awaken love until it's so desires that's a verse for all of my single friends in here be passionate about the one that you're pursuing desire is okay don't ever let anyone tell you that desire to be with someone is wrong or that sexual desire is wrong it is not however you must put a guard when is the right time when is the time to arouse or awaken love it's a in the next chapter chapter 3 which is a way arouser awaken love at the wedding verse 8 listen my beloved look here he comes leaping across the mountains bounding over the hill so now we're gonna see this idea we're no longer in the home he's coming to get her to pick her up and to take her out look there he stands behind our wall gazing through the windows peering through the lattice and at first it looks like he's a peeping tom okay he's not this is speaking of anticipation see the winter is past the rains are over and gone flowers appear on the earth the season of singing has come the cooing of the doves is heard in our land the fig tree forms its fruit the blossoming vines spread their fragrance arise my darling like this my beautiful one come with me so there's anticipation with the date I want to just walk through this and give you some some practicals on how you can pursue a healthy dating life how you can pursue time together where you're encouraging one another and spending time growing so in our church we started this date night challenge okay and I'll put up the the website that you can go to we've challenged the couples in our church to take four dates in four weeks so when you go to this website you are going to find thousands of questions and conversation starters to begin you on your dating practice so the very first round and we have multiple rounds on there there's over 12 dates on there every time you hit a theme you get 10 date ideas and 52 questions so the first round is play dream laughs and adventure and when you hit on play it's gonna pull up ten date ideas to just get you thinking about a date and then it's going to give you 52 questions that you can take on that date to begin having conversation guys this is very important because when you plan a date you almost score more points in planning a date than you do actually going on the date I try to teach this to men all the time how you can score points with your wife while you nap you want to know how to do that it's real simple here's how it works you tell her Thursday night we're going on a date and you just scored a point tell her what you're gonna do you scored another point now men are a little bit different we give ourselves way too many points and so I got to kind of help you we wake up breathing that's an automatic 10,000 points we do the dishes that's twenty to thirty thousand points men and women don't keep track the same way so a man brings brings home a rose how many points does he get one point so he's like one point that's great what if I bring home a dozen roses how many points do I get see that's the trick that's the part that seems wrong but here's how you score points while you're napping I'm picking you up Thursday night after work and we're going out on a date we're going here and we're doing this she's like okay you scored a point right there but here's the good thing every time she tells a friend about it you get a point and you're not even there even better than that this is so great every time she thinks about Thursday night you get a point and because women never stop thinking have you ever walked into a room and your wife is smiling and happy and she's engaged with you and you're like the worst thing you can do right there is open your mouth keep your mouth shut back out of the room slowly and continue to score points this is the power of dating this is the power of a this is the power of anticipation and that's what the Song of Solomon chapter 2 is describing this dating relationship I'm gonna go out and we look forward to this and this why date night is so important all the day night opportunities this church is giving you fantastic take advantage of those look forward to those anticipate those then have the tools as you go out on these dates the tools are very important so the laughs date I brought something I printed off some of them but you can go on our website you'll see there's just pages and pages and pages of questions and fill in the blanks and conversation starters and I got this great email from a lady who went on the laughs date her husband hadn't laughed in a long time they were in what we would call a dry season of marriage so they went on the website they clicked on laughs date they got a couple ideas and they just decided you know what to get our dating started we're just gonna go to a restaurant so they went to a restaurant they downloaded all the questions about an hour into the meal right there the whole restaurant is noticing how hard this couples live and this is the email that I got from them pastor Ted while my husband and I were enjoying a night out I brought out the copy of the 52 questions from the laughs date my husband and I were asking and answering these questions we were laughing hard a lot and really having a good time our waitress came over and asked us what we were finding so funny and told us that the whole restaurant was talking about us I love this so we explained to her about the four day challenge and showed her some of the questions she sat down and started talking with us and said she would love to do something like that with her husband so I took out two of my other date notes and questions that I had copied of that I had copied before I left the home and gave them to her she said thank you so much and that she couldn't wait to get off work go home and share these with her husband I also wrote down the website so she could get a copy of the other two dates I just wanted to let you know that the four day challenge is not only helpful in my marriage but it's being passed on to other couples we never took on this challenge as though this would be something couples would do to you know evangelize their family and friends but the idea of couples spending quality time together and there's some things some considerations that you need to think on when you plan your date and when you go on a date the University of Virginia did a study and I know this isn't gonna shock anyone but they've just discovered and they every year they do a major study and in 2011 they did a study on date nights and the value of date nights and the life of a couple and here's what they discovered they discovered this isn't gonna shock anyone that quality couple time and whatever whatever form or fashion that takes on it increases marital satisfaction and it decreases the divorce rate so obviously the whole study was you need to go out on a date you need to spend more quality time together but let me give you what about the date because some of you might consider a date going to a movie sitting there and not even talking to one another that's what we call a rut not a date so here let me give you five elements they discovered this goes a little bit deeper gives you a little bit better understanding of what makes for a great date so we have the questions that's part of it but let me walk you through five considerations for your great date and this is what the University of Virginia the National Marriage Project discovered and it's something worth writing down I don't have it on the screen so you can't take a picture you might have to write this one down here we go obviously number one is communication that's why we decided to give you 52 questions for every day you know what a lot of couples tell us they're like you know after raising kids and we know this once you start having children the quality of the marriage does begin to suffer we we get that studies tell us that research so the couples will share that with us individually and they said you know we just get to a point where we go out on a date we just sit there and look at each other we're so exhausted we're just wanting to to relax and catch up but there's some things about communication and the reason we've given these questions because a lot of couples they go out and they're like this is the time for us to catch up on household duties and chores and budgets and schedules and no we encourage you as far as number one element communication try to guard that time and use it say this tonight it's just about laughing the next date all we're gonna do is dream together we're gonna begin to write down what are our marriage dreams what are our dreams for life then we're gonna have a whole day where all we talk about is adventure things that we we think are too risky to do but maybe we should consider trying okay so to break us out of that in communication the other one I like is novelty novelty it's trying something new in marriage we get to a point of what we call habituation right we're just everything becomes a habit it could becomes a routine it's a rut and we have to guard against that and try something brand new so when I got ahold of this study I decided for Amy and I to go do something that we had never done together but we did when we were teens and that was roller skating I said one of our dates is gonna be roller skating okay so we go we strap up those nice moist skates you know that Bubba had before me and tie him up and and I'm gonna go skating with my wife we've never laughed so hard in all I've number one there was a 60 year old guy there who skates a little too much anybody know what I'm talking about he's still driving the Trans Am he's still listening to Def Leppard he's still smoking stuff out in the parking lot he shouldn't be smoking never really moved on from this they start playing music and this guy Amy and I you know we're not out there to prove anything we're not out there to impress you we're out there with each other and we're skating and we're laughing and wanting to sing those old crazy song and I kept looking over to her go just put your bangs up a little bit for me can you get those going I just thought this would be a fun time but this 60 year old guy ruined our date because every time he'd come by us behind us he'd be like this and when he got in front of us he'd go and I'm like back away weirdo all right I'm on a date with my wife novelty is something that it's the second most important aspect of your date try something new you know what we tried a couple of weeks ago and I've become quite passionate about it as well bowling bowling spot look at Niels like hey what's bowling I love bowling right okay so you're like that guy in the skating rink you don't need to spend that much time in the bowling alley you know okay no oh I'm just kidding go try something you did in high school that was legal and do that now that you're married try something new go to a concert do an Art Walk find something that you've never done before and try a new experience together number three passion and attraction when a husband and wife both put thought into what they will wear that night and I start for some of you guys like bathe okay shave maybe put on a nice shirt you can leave it untucked but but maybe just spruce it up a little bit a little Old Spice we got the whole thing going on but passionate and an attraction using the time to engage one another and and allowing that physical desire to be increased number four this is the real this is an important one we don't think about what date nights and you're like oh well date night we're doing okay in our marriage and I like how pastor Emile said it you're like well we're not stressed and we're gonna tie we have enough time to get let me let me tell you why a date night is so important for you it's the fourth element its commitment when you say yes to a date night you are signaling to your family to your friends to your children that your marriage is important you are prioritizing marriage in the home Genesis 2:24 for this reason a man will leave his father and mother be united to his wife and the two become one flesh you are saying to your children your mom and I your dad a night this is important and one of the greatest gifts we give you my son one of the greatest gifts we give you my daughter is a mom and a dad who love and enjoy each other so we're gonna be gone for about four hours and the whole point of that is that we can come back and give this gift to you that we call a fun loving marriage we want you to enjoy that that's you ask my kids what's your dad's definition of maturity according to Genesis 2:24 and he'll say I will not be with mom and dad forever so plan accordingly that's right your one day going to have your own marriage and I want you to begin to put these healthy practices in place not because I told you it was important not because I preached about it not because I taught it but because you watched your mom and I value this it's a great signal to family and friends not just for your marriage and then number five D stress distress you need time away from the challenges in your life you need time away to say we we are just gonna spend a little bit of time together we're gonna enjoy one another we're not gonna be pressured into going somewhere or doing something that we don't want to do this is our time we're gonna focus on one another and then the last one and we'll have a quick break you go all the way over to the Song of Solomon chapter 7 verses 11 through 12 we move from the daily delayed of the weekly withdraw to the annual abandon this is now a big date this is like an out-of-town date and to be honest with you my wife and I we have places now all over the country and we usually tag them to speaking events but there are times we just love to get away we've learned how to use the online websites to make the most of it and to get great deals but we look forward to these get out of town alone just the two of us and enjoy one another we read about this in the Song of Solomon chapter 7 11 and 12 come my lover let us go to the countryside so now we're gonna get out of the city she's saying we're gonna unplug we're gonna go to a special place these are two busy people Solomon's running a kingdom let us go to the countryside let's get out of here let us spend the night in the villages let's find a little bed-and-breakfast let us go early to the vineyards to see if the vines have budded if their blossoms have open and if the pomegranates are in bloom and then look what she says very intimate there I will give you my love she's saying let's get out of town to make love now some of you ladies have gone about this all wrong you want time away with your husband and you and and you found nagging doesn't work going to your husband and saying things like we never go anywhere we never do anything we never get out of town what would your husband say if you said hey honey I would like to get away on an overnight trip just the two of us and the whole purpose of the trip is to make love we're gonna get a nice hotel room and amenities they really don't matter because we won't be enjoying them we're gonna be enjoying each other that's a little bit different don't you think then we never go anywhere we never do anything we you never take me anywhere it's that we're getting out of the city to make love there's a Hebrew term for that in that text is anybody know what the Hebrew term is bow bow chicka bow bow you want to talk about anticipation if going on a date Thursday night is something I get to anticipate what happens something I planned in May or June now when I go on my weekly withdrawal my date with Amy we can talk about all that we want to do on that date if you go to our church website you'll find this as well I shared it last year but we have a another set of 52 questions that you can download for your annual abandon and it's it's all on sexual intimacy I know a lot of couples that plan their out-of-town trips and they take that okay don't let your kids see this list but download it we break it into three categories frequency performance and endurance frequency asks a question how often should we make love best question we've ever been asked on our church website is how often should an evangelical couple have sex and I responded with and the true story compared to other world religions I have no idea but I recommend you increase the frequency and you enjoy one another okay so you go and you take that on the date and here's what I encourage you if you decide to download that list I want you to spend time with it individually and circle the questions you don't feel safe answering circle those questions first maybe do that the week leading up to the annual abandoned and then you go out of town and it can be here in town you go on the offseason to the Broadmoor beautiful place we had a wonderful annual abandon they're unbelievable you'll enjoy it and pull out those questions and say we're let's talk about our love life we gave it to our church a couple years ago and we gave it out with a two-hour burning candle and we told people light the candle have a conversation about sex for two hours and next week one Bubba came back to me and said hey pastor yeah I found out you like that candle under a ceiling fan only takes about 45 minutes okay that was not the point the point was for you to have a car just like you have conversations on your date about dreaming and playing and laughing and adventure now on your annual abandoned you're going to spend some concentrated time talking about sexual intimacy and enjoying one another we actually have have expanded this into four dates where you can take frequency and spend a whole day just talking about frequency and what you can do why why do couples I mean end with this and then I'll share the resources and we'll take a break why do couples resist eight nights why do couples resist annual abandons I've asked I've asked a lot of couples and there are two reasons can you give them to me what's number one money number two children and what they say is we have children and no money so we can't do this what you're talking about there's a lot of ways that you can do this a lot of ways you can do this I'll be honest with you my my minivan has a hundred and thirty eight thousand miles on it the one that Amy drives my Hyundai Sonata has 78 thousand miles on it they're paid off Dave Ramsey teaches you to keep the only pay cash for vehicles so that you can you know live like no one else I pay cash for vehicles and I Drive cars into the ground why so I can go out of town and make love to my wife you've never heard Dave Ramsey say that and every time we think about getting a new car this is what I love about paying cash every time we think and if your loan taking out loans for cars every time we consider getting another car we start to think back over some of our annual abandons and we say uh-uh we want more of that so I will go get the van tuned up I will go get new tires on the car and we will go make love and all God's people said amen so you can budget this if you're gonna prioritize your marriage in the home it also means you prioritize this when it comes to finances okay you can do this childcare there's so many great ways the first way that I believe God has gifted us with it's this great little word word called grandparents beautiful word say call him do you want to spend some time with your gran cuz we would love to well they want to be with you how about next weekend come on down okay if that doesn't work I challenge the couples in our church all the time with with the coop thing you this Thursday night watch their kids next Thursday night they watch your kids there's all sorts of ways around the the excuses people give for not going on a date so in the next session we're gonna look at the little foxes is there a dad in here that says you give me those cards I'll start them tonight but okay you can come up grab these I always love the vultures one of my favorite ones I use this at bedtime the eye that marks the father the scorns and age mother will be picked up by the Ravens of the valley and will be eaten by the vultures night night and then on the back we have talk time and we have these back there having your eyes pecked out by Ravens and eaten by vultures as a word picture for death not listening to your parents making fun of your dad treating your mom as your servant will cause you much pain as an adult the Bible is very clear that we're supposed to honor our parents even after we leave leave home it is the first commandment with a promise God gives us parents to prepare us for life in the world when you listen to their instruction it helps you throughout your entire life so you share that it talked about marriage a woman's beauty and everything in there so enjoy that my friend there you go the vulture okay we talked a lot about this book the the there's three chapters in here one on the daily delay the weekly draw the annual abandon this has hundreds and hundreds of questions in it for you to answer is there a couple that said we haven't jumped up on a trampoline lately but if you give me that book I promise I'll do it today you will you'll do the trampoline today if I give you this book both of you together okay for five minutes on the trampoline okay you can come get it we do crack the egg if you don't crack the egg where you get on the trampoline and you hold tight and the whole family tries to break you apart I'm awesome at that game nobody can beat me at that game so there you go what's your name Don there you go thank you you promised but between God and gathered witnesses okay okay so this one young and in love this was the first solo book I did after writing with Gary you're gonna love challenging the unnecessary delays of marriage it goes through character chemistry competency and calling it helps us teach our kids how to form relationships if you have a teen or a twenty-something or a 35 year old living in your basement with Star Wars bed sheets on his bed is that you mom you raised your hand super fast this is not about encouraging people to rush marriage but you know what this book's passion is eradicating prolonged adolescence too much privilege not enough responsibility and it's about challenging young people you don't have to make marriage the last of the adulthood milestone so you can come up and get this at the break if you would like alright this one's fun trophy child this is saving parents from performance preparing children for something greater than themselves you process through vanity parenting return on investment parenting perfection parenting gifted parenting rescue parenting companion parenting is this you or you a trophy parent look they're just learning stand up even if you don't need the book and he'll give you the book but this saves you from performance it allows you to love your kids bless your kids raise your kids without viewing your kids as an extension of yourself so there you go my friend you bet alright and then this book great parents lousy lovers discover how to enjoy life with your spouse while raising your kids this is for the couple to poop the whoop right here right there you were proud enough to raise your hand this book right here how many kids you have you have three children what are their ages five three and one let's gather around you and lay hands on right this is how you can do this live at a level of complete full overflowing I am connected to the true and only source of life and this is how to prioritize the spiritual journeys of your home how to eradicate the kids centered home is the passion of this one so read it and take an annual abandon and have another kid write a lot of what we talked about last night with processing emotions we cover 27 core emotions in this is the book I wrote with Gary Smalley wrote that one with Gary as well the rest of these I wrote with Gary from anger to intimacy how forgiveness can transform your marriage for the next three books I talked about we have DVDs and workbooks with those as well a great book to help you process I know I get angry but I'm trying to figure out why I get angry anger is a secondary emotion what are the primary emotions that I'm dealing with I want to be a good tender to my soul and understand the emotion that's going on so you raise your hand and are you getting this for a friend No okay good so this is great and it's not just an angry person that reads this book it's someone who says I just want to I want to be a healthy emotional person and be a loving forgiving person and so there you go your name is Sarah thank you for coming up then this one I love this one I get the most criticism on it the language of sex but not probably how you would think a lot of people will email me call me frustrated they think the books the biggest ripoff they've ever bought because you don't get the foreplay until chapter 7 and the first half is communication and building the foundation to the best sex of your life and they'll say total bait-and-switch but I said it's called the language of sex it's everything you need to do to experience the best sex of your life and it doesn't begin in the bedroom it begins outside of the bedroom but then we get the foreplay and creativity and in turn we get to all of that but but so many of us in our fast food culture right we want it all we want it now we want it instantaneous this is how to it 20 years of marriage thirty years of marriage ten years of marriage experience the best sexual intimacy of your life how come nobody's jumping up for this one I don't see anybody hey come on up boys she's shaking her hand at me all right and you know what a lot of people do with this book when I give it to him like at a restaurant or somewhere I'm counseling with the young man at Starbucks he usually does this and he sets the book on the cover so nobody's he or he puts his keys on the cover so nobody sees it and then the last one this is as long as we both shall live experience the marriage have always wanted this covers 78 common expectations to marriage and it talks about how you can process that the first half of the book is where did you get your expectations in marriage well you got them from your parents you got them from your personality you got them from past relationships and you got them from the generation that you grew up in the last half of the book is what are you gonna do with your expectations because the gap between what we expect and what we're currently receiving the bigger the gap the more stress but stress is a socially acceptable term for anger we're mad we're frustrated I want this but I'm getting this so anybody unmet expectations I'm gonna give that to you the picture-taking married to the picture taker okay he took picture of all the screen you can have this we're gonna take about a 15 minute break 15 minute break I'll be more than willing to sign I'll be back the table meet back in here at about 10:35 thank you everybody for listening so well

Channel: Springs Church

Views: 28,118

Rating: 4.9572954 out of 5

Keywords: ted cunningham, Marriage (Marriage/union Type), Marriage (Religious Practice), love, relationships

Id: 4rqb7via2ro

Length: 57min 50sec (3470 seconds)

Published: Sat Feb 08 2014