How To Enjoy Family Meals - Pastor Ted Cunningham

we want our kids to walk away from our family table when they leave our home going that was a place that was slow it was enjoyable we we were relaxed welcome to the focus on the family broadcast helping families thrive Ted welcome back to focus on the family it's great to be back okay you've written this book now come to the family table why is the family table so important to communication I mean it's not just sit around and eat that's not what we're talking about right yeah for Amy and I the family table became like every other part of our life it's something we rushed to we got through and we moved on good things to do we had things to do and and food was getting in the way Wow but that is a lot of families Ted I mean we're busy some people double income maybe and there's a lot going on and you know eating is just a necessity so you get together you throw something in the microwave and you quickly eat and then you got laundry to do and dishes to do and other things you got to do that is reality how do we make this a priority well and what happens is we start thinking about all that you just listed and we decide to grab something on the way home and eat it on the way home so we have more time when we get home to do all the other chores are you guilty of that very it sounds like something I've done before yeah and we so we come to the family table and we wanted to make sure from the beginning the reader understood we are we're not fanatics like we're not talking three our dinners seven days a week home baked biscuits yeah that sounds good that's and a home big biscuits we just said let's let's prioritize let's start with a night a week like let's let's declare one night a week where we sit together as a family with no rush and I mean it's full-on its food it's a devotional we can read something we can play a game well take me back before that decision what was your family like before you had this realization that we need to eat in a way that would please God well when we entered the tween and the teen phase yeah we lost complete control of our schedule because you you you're no longer just on a family schedule you're on you got school you got church you got banned you got soccer and we were going in every direction and trying to find intersections during the day and that usually was at a restaurant eating out somewhere fast you know when when a restaurant you know as we drive by a restaurant we would jump out and just grab something and then we became that family where we were like well I don't really want that but I want that and so we'd go to two different places and grab it on the way home and I mean it just kills it got so chaotic that we said something's got to change because it it ultimately affected our health you know physically not just relationally and emotionally but interstate we're not we're not eating all that well let's let's just make a few changes here and see if we can bring about a little bit better quality and what did you start doing you begin to express that once a week you aim for just one time we aim for once a week and let it grow from there and we you know we thought about the holidays you know holidays are a good time for us because we're not competing with schedules and so we just loved sitting down as a family I we talked about it in the book we had one Thanksgiving where we invited friends over from the church and my parents were there amy's parents were there other family there and we ended up sitting around that table I mean we get up every now and then but we're about eight hours oh it really it was the center of the day yeah you know we ended up having two meals there throughout the day but it went so fast it was so enjoyable and yeah it was Thanksgiving there's games on and there's other stuff to do but we just said you know what would happen if we had a little bit of this in our life on a regular basis huh again we're not doing Thanksgiving every week we're not gonna have a 3,000 calorie meal you know every day so we just said hey let's just start somewhere for us it was once a week well Gina yeah I must say to jeans credit we've done a really good job in this area of having dinner every night together and it's usually a lot of fun it's 30 to 60 minutes they'll be at the table at least I mean that we can make time for this we were doing so much other stuff that we can carve out a little bit of time and and if that means you have activities to do part of school or an assignment or something and we're done eating but we're gonna stay at the table you know go get whatever you got do bring it back here and sit and do it together I like that so give me the objectives when you're sitting there gene tends to be a little more organized that way than I am I mean she wants a more formal devotion time you know today we will look at second Corinthians and I did too when the kids were younger okay so you two think the same but for me it's more kind of you know let's just work in the spiritual truths into the conversation be a little more gentle about it not that it it doesn't work effectively actually I think it works more effectively to talk about what's happening in school and man what does the Bible say anything about that yeah and how do you go about well so this was the hardest for our son and still is he's soon to be 12 and so he he just he labored over long meals I mean he was like and every meal started with the same question how long are we going to be what was pulling him away what did he want to go do well he just he saw it and it was it's how he's been conditioned this whole life right we go go go go go we got stuff to do so we would sit down he found it at first boring you know we ate we're done eating now what are we still doing here so that's when we started to bring in the games that's when we started to bring in you know the honor bombardment that we talked about where we just go around the table and honor bombardment I like that where do you go around the table and do what yeah everybody shares a kind positive word we got this from Gary Smalley years ago and so and we just you know it's like a game we see you know keep going until we run out of things to say about the one person and then we move on to another person and so I think there's a lot of that you can bring into it that's what we tried to bring into the book and we brought everything from recipes to games to DeVos you know to do more at the table than just eat and ask the same question how was your day there's more to it than that there's more you can do to bring about the laughs like you're talking to be a little more clever more clever about it but let's bring it into reality thankfully you have two children and we have two kids as well and you know some days they didn't get along all that well so when you're sitting there saying let's honor the other job have you ever had I really don't feel like doing that dad you gotta know when to play what game so we move on to the more competitive games like monopoly we play Yahtzee but we've also we want to mix it up so my son got to a place where he was setting up the game before dinner started and we would have to say hey let's just wait just a little bit on that Carson let's eat first let's let's enjoy the meal that mom has just prepared play the game and then we'll get into the game then we'll do something because it's it's this digital age that we live we've always got to have something in front of us keeping us busy keeping us active and so the opportunity to just you know slow down we don't need to be rushed no technology at the table every now and then we we bring the technology in if we want to show a video or something or somebody saw something and yeah I saw this thing today maybe but you're using it as an object it's more of a lesson than just a now you mind lighting surfer your interest or your wife Amy you model that well you're not sneaking emails let's move on to the next come on yes unless there's a real important call we're waiting for it right but it's rare it's rare yeah that's good because that's what kids are gonna see they're gonna it's not don't tell me what to do show me what yeah and and I just thought the other day a third restaurant I won't give the name but a third restaurant has this thing now with a basket I think was in our home areas in Springfield Missouri where if if you can put all your technology in that basket a chain restaurant did this too with little boxes if you put all your technology in that basket and leave it there for the whole meal we'll give you 10% off your bill yeah and other ones are doing ice cream cones and stuff like that and I'm like that's it's kind of where we need to get back to to say hey we can go 30 45 minutes without looking at this device because I don't know about you but I go into restaurants I see couples on dates that aren't even looking at each other right when that when the families are and I call it that mind-numbing surf not the second to see the babysitter looking at news and updates and sports scores yeah a family sitting there like what's he do and that was another piece of it for us to say we're on this stuff or connected to it all day we can take a break what is your goal when you're setting out to say okay we're going to do this meal time with the family do you have a goal in mind or is it a little more haphazard I heard you talk set the board game up later but is there any kind of formula that you're looking for listen especially for dads you got to make it simple for me yeah I mean what what am I trying to do here what am I trying to achieve then you don't even need to read the book you can just look at the cover because we put it on the cover it's slowing down to enjoy food each other in Jesus so there's four things in that we want to slow down we want to enjoy the food and and not rush through it and tell your kids even if you don't like what's on your plate I promise you in 10-15 years you'll get used to it and you'll probably long for it as we long for meatloaf mashed potatoes and corn the grandma always yeah and so each other and that would be the game or the honor bombardment and then Jesus we just want to take time we pray together as a family around the table we can read together we can memorize together and I think the key we picked up with kids is to mix it up you know yeah please sit down every night and do the exact same thing they know they know what the goals are but the the methods can change and we can do different activities let me ask you this when you look at scripture I mean I love the way Jesus used mealtime I mean he seemed to understand reclining at the table with the twelve yeah and eating and talking and there's something in the Lord even talks about the feast you know there's something there that he's wired us for that moment that were occupied occupationally during the day doing different things but God is trying to say hey I want you to sit together to eat together to think and talk about me talk about your day it's something that he modeled for everybody yeah and we've kind of jumped back to that Deuteronomy six passage and I'm all about along the way from the time you get up to the time you go to sleep when you go here when you go there be talking about the Lord I think we've adapted that verse to our lifestyles today to where now it's like run run run as fast as you possibly can and bring the Lord with you along the way and I guess we do that I understand that but I also think I think the family table for us is it doesn't mean that our schedule is gonna get any less crazy we'll still be a little chaotic at times we get that but this is our Sabbath this is our this is our break from the grind of life we can pause and it's and it's something we have to schedule like everything else we put on the schedule so this is a different pace we want our kids to walk away from our family table when they leave our home going that was a place that was slow it was enjoyable we we were relaxed I feel there is where my mom and dad really got to know me hmm I they asked me probing questions there one of the big aspects of the family table for us is safety this is a safe place so you can share we can hold one another accountable here we can confess here we always want that family table to be a place where were they long to come back to we want him to come back they wanted to bring their children we wanted him to bring our grandchildren one day and to know let me tell you what happened there and you probably other story I have my grandma I mean Mary Jane she passed away at 90 she was a good-sized woman will just say fluffy grandma you know I love Mary Jane the best kind she this is a story my mom loves me sharing about my grandma she was she was in the doctor's office when she was in her 70s and she saw the doctor right down on her chart the word obese and it completely and totally ticked my grandma office this is my grandma's sense of humor she made that young doctor cross off the word obese and write the words little chubby underneath I wish I one day on ancestry.com I'm gonna get her medical chart I'm gonna find that but I love that because when we were writing the book I was back at Mary Jane's table as a five-year-old as a ten year old going you remember this is what we did my grandma she hated TV she had one of those old TVs remember those terrible days Jim we were the remotes we had to get up off the couch and change one of the three channels you laid right in front of us I was in the arms-length man I she sat on her front porch and at our kitchen table that was it yeah she talked the neighbors and she talked to her family that was her life yeah and every now and then she'd take us to Dunkin Donuts that was was that's that was life and I told Amy it I believe personally I can't prove it but it's one of the reasons she lived in nineteen Donuts and you know the research is so supportive of what you're talking about in the book in terms of at-risk behavior that kids you know decide to go into when families are spending time at the table they're far less likely to go into premarital sex drugs alcohol all those things why do you think that is that it's that substantial mmm well my favorite quote and it was when I found this years ago and you've heard it it's one from one of my favorite presidents and I won't say his name but his initials are Ronald Reagan and he said all great change in America happens around the dinner table he had it even before the researchers and boy the first time I heard them like that's right because I went back to my family I went back to my grandma and grandpa sitting around their table when they didn't have the distractions that we had they weren't exposed to what we were exposed to and and for me if I'm truly the primary author of my child's heart which is what we believe I'm the one writing messages on my child's heart I believe speed is the enemy of intimacy speed is the enemy of that process so if the family table can be a place where speed is eliminated and we slow down there I believe it's gonna do nothing but create that intimacy you're looking for between a parent a child so I can speak into my child's heart messages that I believe are going to be branded on their hearts for life and that's so every relationship yeah it is so good for us to remember that before we move to another topic on this subject um speak to the parents that are struggling maybe the single mom who you know she's got a lot on her plate and whenever we mentioned single moms all the single dads write us notes and we appreciate that saying don't forget us so just a single parent when you've got so much of a load now we're making them feel guilty that they're not spending enough time at dinner time to be with their kids but what a beautiful time whether you're a two-parent family or one parent absolutely and and whether you're a two-parent family or one parent family the kids need to be evolved in the process of preparing the meal that's a great idea yeah they need to be setting the table they need to be pouring the water they need to be my daughter now soon to be 14 is doing the cooking so just start the kids off with one side it can be an easy as easy a salad in a bag you know but they're showing responsibility this this idea I think we're beyond this in many homes and I understand it that you know mom comes home and does all the work cooking while we play and then she calls us in for dinner i I think preparing for the family table can be a family project and everyone can be involved and I think that's one great way for a single dad or a single mom absolutely get the family table started is to say Tuesday nights we are guarding Tuesday nights or regarding Thursday nights whatever the night that works for your schedule is and it's from it's from 6:00 to 8:00 it's from 5:00 to 7:00 whatever time works for you but it's two hours and that's start to finish that's that is preparing the meal that's having the meal that's having the fun at the table you talk in the book about delay withdraw and abandon in terms of time explain that to us we're you and Amy came to this understanding that you need a time for yourselves as a couple but describe what you mean by daily delay weekly withdraw an annual abandoned yeah so probably 15 years ago now Jo white from Kanaka camps oh yeah took me out to breakfast and said I learned these three for my marriage if you want your marriage to go the distance and you want to make it in ministry and you want to raise a healthy family you have to do these three things for your marriage and I was on the edge of my seat that's gonna be the most amazing emotion I've ever received and he says daily delay weekly withdrawal annual abandoned and it's one of those outlines the moment he mentioned it to me I memorize it I never forgot it and I put it in practice right away how it works with the family table is this the daily delay is 15 to 20 minutes a day husband and wife eyeball the eyeball no distraction distraction free I believe even kid free weekly withdrawal is the date night it's getting out so that the and the the the daily delay is in or around the home the weekly withdraw is out of the home but around town and then the annual abandon is a trip you plan every year a night or two away in the Song of Solomon you see all three of these you see the daily delay in the secure home you see the weekly withdraw I'm coming to pick you up and take you out in the annual abandoned she says let us get out of here and go to the countryside you know after they're married for us we found some of the best family table time is we would sometimes start the meal with salad when our kids weren't big salad eaters and really still aren't they give you 15 minutes to talk yeah and we said your mom and I are gonna start the meal together we oftentimes to it let them bust the table and said we're gonna sit here and have a cup of coffee and and talk for a few minutes while you guys get the kitchen cleaned up and so that's as simple as 15 to 20 minutes can be 15 to 20 minutes of the daily delay made date night so much better because it's typically a date night that you start talking budget and children catching up and runs a business meeting date night should never be a business meeting yeah so when you have the daily delay you're keeping short accounts during the week so when you go out our rule on date night is let's the best we can not talk about the children and their needs tonight let's not talk about money okay let's let's focus on having fun and dreaming together and enjoying the company of one another and then the annual abandoned best thing we ever put into our marriage and in this the farther out you can plan this the better because then you can anticipate it all the way up to it and it can be as simple we're here in Colorado Springs you can plan on a night or two in Denver it can be in the town next door but just go somewhere do something different and it doesn't it's the expensive never has to be expensive you can get on all these travel great travel websites go to towns out of season you know when they're out of season they're offering great rates at the hotels I mean you can do a lot for cheap and get the grandparents involved the Ted you're a pastor and like a doctor you mentioned you're having the doctor rewrite the chart yeah a lot of people make excuses and it they may be valid to some degree what have you heard and how have you dismantled those excuses have fun with this one so before you buy the new vehicle this year drive the old one another twenty thousand miles and get it fixed save the money I mean I am so proud of the fact I have a minivan that has ninety-eight thousand miles on it and I tell I tell the kids all the time your mom and I are dating tonight at top of the rock and Branson I mean a great place and we're able to do that because we don't have car payments we don't have a high insurance bill and I'm just saying you have to prioritize this you have to make it well that's interesting two excuses the two excuses and I call them excuses children and money it's the reason we don't date it's the reason we don't take trips together we have kids and we have no money that's what I hear all the tenant ends up being the reason they divorce yeah and I say they'll say that I say prioritize call the grandparent so we're on a big big appeal right now at our church challenging grandparents to get involved in the lives of their children and grandchildren we say at our church every marriage is a duet and need of great backup singers and I don't think there are better backup singers than Grandma and Grandpa go over watch the kids let your children have a date night yeah you know you have a great sense of humor I know our listeners love that in fact one of your shows is one of the most popular that we've done and you know people just connect with your your sense of humor that way when you sat around the table with the family have there been a couple of funny moments that make your role oh yeah some some just like kind of like social media I can't share everything that happens around our table but but we have some great moments and are probably our funniest moments are when we do impersonations and Carson and Corinne are there they're becoming little comedians and Carson my youngest he's great at quoting the the comedian greats and and retelling stories and he's at the place now where he wants me to pay him every time I use a story with him in it so that's probably why I shouldn't share too much I don't have no idea how much the focus broadcast would cost me if I shared a Carson story if it's five bucks for a sermon this could be 50 or 100 this could be very good it's Carson we're in your corner we're gonna help you with some allowance yeah for me we do it we do a bunch at least laughter singing dancing if you can't sing and you can't dance all the better that's what makes it funny impersonations joke telling story telling another aspect in the book you talk about hospitality and I want to make sure we get this in in the last couple of minutes here because hospitality I think Christians as a community aren't doing as well in this area and we struggle to be honest to do it as well and that is to invite people to the table outsiders you emphasize that how do you do that and how is the family respondent yeah see talk about hard enough getting your own family to the table now we're talking about coordinating your family schedule with another family schedule we actually have a great story with this we were sitting down finishing dinner one night we just pushed the plates to the side of the table and we were beginning a fun time and a family from our neighborhood that we invited over for dinner two nights from now we're knocking on the front door holding a cake and Amy my wife about falls over because she thought she got the schedule wrong it wasn't actually us it was then they got the schedule wrong we invite them in and ended up sharing with them for two hours we had nothing to feed we had nothing left in the house our meal is completely done they came back two nights later for another dinner but we broke the book down first half as our family at the table in the second fan the second half is how can our family minister to other families and so whenever we have a family gathering now we try to think about somebody at the church that doesn't have family we try to think of someone in the community that we can buy to it could be a single it can be a couple it can be an entire family and we just found you know we're already making all this food we've got we've got plenty to go around let's let's make sure there's always an empty seat that we can fill it's so good and teaches the children so much doesn't it about hospitality about engaging people yeah and part of the part of the burden I think on hospitality that people don't like to do is because I think when you're a host you have a responsibility not to talk about yourself but to talk about the other people at the table and to get to know someone at your table when everybody pretty much already knows each other family right you know it just brings a whole new level of storytelling to the table yeah life experience to the table and we just had a great time with that over the years bringing in folks in the church that we know aren't gonna be travelling home for the holidays and so now we try to do that more often throughout the year well that is a great idea but Ted it is so good to have you back and I think you're on to one of them important things in terms of teaching families some healthy habits in your book come to the family table slowing down to enjoy food each other in Jesus this book is full of great advice and if you want to position your children it's not a you know a promise but it is the right thing to do so that your kids have a shot at a healthy childhood I'm hearing your heart and learning those traits and those values from you that you believe in most of that transmission is going to come at the dinner table so make it a priority I've heard that loud and clear thanks for being with us thanks for having me hey I'm John fuller and thanks for watching get more info about focus over here and more from our guests over there and be sure to subscribe to our channel as well

Channel: Focus on the Family

Views: 9,739

Rating: 5 out of 5

Keywords: focus, on, the, family, focus on the family, focus on the family broadcast, focus on the family parenting, focus on the family kids, parenting, parenting tips, parenting help, kids, family meals, life, faith, love, Jesus, Ted Cunningham

Id: fD4YeR_yRNI

Length: 25min 10sec (1510 seconds)

Published: Fri Sep 07 2018