The Soul Of A Man

marked reverse 30 you will love the Lord your God with all your heart with all your soul with all your mind with all your strengths ok so he's saying that all of your being your whole soul your heart your mind everything you will love God with the whole thing now there's a problem with this if your soul is vex there's a problem if your soul is damaged it's a problem ok mark chapter 12 verse 33 he says it is important that we love him with all our heart with all our understanding with all our soul with all our strength and it is important that we love our neighbor as ourself so you can't love God with us with a damaged soul in the way you ought to and it's very difficult to love your neighbour if your soul is damaged it's difficult to love yourself if your soul is damaged it's difficult to have confidence in yourself your yourself esteem is very low that's some of my problem I have a self-esteem problem because anybody that's in ministry with me on a different level you know this was a very significant week they had the heavies at Matthew Ashima lowest meeting some of the biggest ministries in the world were there and we thrown right in there but I'm noticing this is me I'm very honest with you when I'm standing there I'm always it's not being humble it's a it's a self-esteem problem always standing back and letting them go and letting them speak and not saying a thing until somebody asked my opinion and so there are certain people in our lives that recognize that the difference between humility and a low self-esteem and a low self-esteem comes because the soul has been damaged and hurt and some place in your life we're fixing to have an altar call in the service because we're going to help a lot of people here and the thing is that humility and I've seen people that have a low self-esteem but they very prideful there's a difference okay now let's read chapter chapter number eight verse 36 of mark mark 8:36 for what shall it profit a man if he gain the whole world and lose his soul what something probably if you gained the whole world had all the money in the world and all the blessing in the world at all the cars you wanted and you lose your soul because the soul is vexed verse 37 mark 8 37 Oh what shall a man give what shall a man give in exchange for his soul what can a man give in exchange for his soul let's go to Matthew chapter number 26 and verse 38 this is Jesus speaking he said unto them what did he say my soul is exceeding sorrowful beyond sorrowful Mark chapter 14 verse 34 says the same thing my soul is exceeding sorrowful unto death now there is a sorrowful soul there is a hurting soul there is a broken soul there is a split so let me talk about the split soul and then we gonna pray for a bunch of people my mother-in-law is here somewhere mom are you here yeah mom is here the other day mom was going through rummaging through her stuff in fixing the place and she found a letter that Bernie my sister wrote to me in 1978 and I don't know how it got there probably you know when when I moved in and took over the family amen hey III mean GG amen and I moved with my little cartoon drew they're some of my stuff may have stayed there and so mom said to me I found this you know and so I read the letter Bernie wrote to me and we were we were extremely close and then we became unclose and now we back close again because brothers and sisters always have this thing you know so burning I were very close for many years they thought at some point we were twins and I'll explain that story but when I read the letter Bernie wrote to me I started to cry and sob this is about three months ago and last night I was putting my stuff away and I year was the letter and I read it again and I was really touched inside and because of some of the things that Bernie was listening there and asking for my advice and my input and so there's a little bit about my life when I was five years old I turned five on the 5th of January 1956 1957 was my birth date so 62 fourth of July turn 5 my mom and dad were working my dad was working on the railways they were laying track in the middle of the bush in a place called in busy going towards what is now other side you cheng are going towards triangle because the sugar estates were opening and they opened employment to colored people to earn more money but they sent them to the bush where there was nothing I mean totally nothing and so school so my parents took me as a little boy I don't think they explained it to me they may have I don't remember took me as a little boy I could barely bath myself and left me and a at some old folks home auntie Katie and uncle angel uncle angel was my grandfather's older brother uncle angel was the one that was convincing Noah to build the ark he was all old folks I never met them before I didn't know who they were and they had a horticultural business you know spinach carrots and all stuff selling to the market uncle angel world he had met Abby Lee steamed something the yasawas down and so I was busy all day in the garden with a little boy and Auntie Katy was washing carrots and I saw my parents driving away they had a blue Opel cadet they were driving away it was like them by the front and I started screaming you know they see me they see me they meeting me and it was his ol old lady trying to console me trying to console me you know he's like I don't even know this lady my parents are leaving me and I stood there and cried and I cried and cried and cried I cried all night I cried the next day I cried the following day cried for a week I went to school at renounce primary school I cried all through for the first two three weeks I just cried every day and mrs. Alfred's kind of took a liking to me she knew my parents of course everybody knew my dad used to play in the band mrs. Alfred's was looking after me I remember I used to sit on the veranda the house that they lived in was half the size of this platform whose lounge little lounge two little chairs and I had a bed right there a small kitchen and uncle angel Ananda Katie's bedroom that's all it was the toilet was outside like some way over there in tafero and it's like if you go to bed with something on you you're gonna keep that thing all night they were all kinds of things and snakes snakes everywhere snakes everywhere so I remember sitting on the veranda to look at the road hoping my parents would come and for many many years from that point I believe there was adopted I really did I was convinced that I'd done something wrong and I because I was adopted now they were sending me back to my parents and I remember sitting on the veranda and I've told the story before but for those who that have heard this a Beatles song used to come on the Beatles were were popular back then and there was a song is to come on you know almost every now and then you know it's cool I want to hold your head and I still see it as a cry when I hear that song and as the years went by then my sister Bernie went to school the next year but Bernie went to my mother's older sister and they live right in town I was still living in the bush and I was convinced that I was a doctor because Bernie was living in a nice house in Bahram Green I was living in the bush with no electricity with a little paraffin lamp and I was convinced and then to make matters worse my parents took me to embark way and just left us and there again I see them driving away and Bernie's crying Donovan was just a little Donovan was that tall and in in boarding school you have to have somebody to fight for you I couldn't fight we were the first of the lineage of people going there you know and then they should say something I heard him saying hey and you come a cucumber hey you come a cucumber a hey and then they put the food on the table and we couldn't eat I cried for days and then I saw somebody hitting Donovan one guy just hitting Donovan I was small - bunny was always taller than me I couldn't find bunny used to hit all of us she's already sauce used to eat all of us come I'm going somewhere just work with me I was always a small guy and was sickly as a child so when I got a standard five sister Stella Mackie was a nun I didn't do bad in class I didn't do great Stella Mac you said you're too immature to go to form one you have to remain another year in standard five well that was painful because Bernie was in standard form and Bernie all her life came first in class and they were saying hey hey hey your sisters coming and I remember my dad went to make an appeal for me to go to form one and the nun said mr. Bismarck your son he is not eligible to go order from one he's too immature he's too small he hasn't grasped some things and remember my dad walking out and cussing me out and saying you shouldn't use that you know Ben all this money coming up I was convinced I was adopted I was convinced and then then comes Barney she's doing well in class but that year my life changed that year my life changed I remember sitting on the bed with my mom in mahalo P and she said to me she said pray for wisdom pray for Solomon's wisdom and from that age I started to snore today every day pray for wisdom but but what happened was your life goes on you know struggles with myself struggle with my confidence still sick you know and then I started doing sports the doctor great doctor said you know your son needs to do sports don't take him out of sports I'm doing sports and you know I used to come eight in the race and there's eight people running you know but I was there one time I was I was swimming and I was doing a circle in the pool backstroke but I was there the next time I dived into the pool and my swimming trunks came off I was like I was there I joined the basketball team I had no trainers and so Ricky Fischer and I became very good friends I love Ricky so much he died a few years ago on a motor boat crash but I used to be I was never one of the five starting for a number of reasons I wasn't good enough but the other reason was I had no trainers and so we had super pros those years and so Ricky used to be subbed and then I used to use Ricky super pros and they were he had bigger feet than me I was like man so it's self-esteem problems so but I started working hard in school and I began to say I'm gonna prove to this man that's my father I'm gonna prove to him that there's something inside of me so everything I did from that time was to please my father I'm 52 years old and I still do it everything I do I do to please my father it's heartbreaking if I don't get my father's approval it kills me everything I do preaching this message preaching anywhere I'm doing it for approval doing it for approval if somebody doesn't like me if somebody looks at me weird I heard because of what happened to me when I was a child I have to be loved I have to be hugged when I met chichi in 1978 and when she told me she loved me for many many years I never believed her because I didn't think could be loved I didn't think I could be loved I'll do anything in the world for Sheila velakis my mother-in-law then she loved me and cared for me and took care of me in a very unique way I'll do anything for my mother-in-law anything because she was accommodating she helped me help build my self-esteem took care of me in very unique ways so yes go buy a married we have four things amen we have two things at home now amen I just preach up the parties house there is no African that preach at the potter's house up until that point I was the first one to preach for Bishop Jake's and all kinds of things happen so hold on hold on so I'm really pumped and so all kinds of things happen TB ends opening up around the world stuff is opening up I mean charisma magazine and so on and things seem to be going well but even that night when I prefer Bishop Jake's and some of you can still watch it the blessing of a thousand times more I didn't feel I did well I went to the room depressed I was I was I went back to my room depressed sick just felt bad and almost every time I preached anywhere no matter where I am including last week in Matthew Ashima lowest church and Joey Macondo in Zambia and these great guys in Nigeria I just go to bed feeling I didn't do well I didn't do well it's not like I'm fishing for comments it's because I'm for compliments I have to prove a point I have to prove a point so I'm trying to buy something for Chi Chi and I'm running through the mall literally in Houston I'm running through the mall I'm writing to the mall trying to find something and the song comes on I want to hold your hands I want to and in the middle of the mall I got a flight to catch in two hours in the middle of the mall I break down and start crying I start sobbing and crying howling I'm howling I don't know why and here's what happened this is what happened God showed me that the day my parents left me as a five-year-old boy way back then a five year old boy in me shut down my soul split and in me I remained a five-year-old in one area of my life that I didn't allow anybody into and a song open my soul so I couldn't understand when teach and I would fight why I'd have these feelings because inside of me is a five year old boy that never grew up so when I got home I got in a car I drove to blow away oh I went to that spot where my mom left us in turn ants he's just a cement slab and a member standing up when I stepped on that spot I started crying like a baby I was over myself and everything I felt when I was five years old came rushing back everything my confusion my bitterness my anger against my father for doing that yesterday as a 45 year old man crying like a baby I fell on the ground just crying and I realized my problem was my soul with damn it my soul was damaged and they have men here you beat your wives because your soul is damaged some of you can't progress in life because something happened to you when you were small inside of you is a child there are some mother-in-law's the reason you're hateful is not because you want to be is because of something inside of you that makes you the way you were you're solely split politicians that rule countries the reason some of them are so vindictive go back in their lives something happened when they were kids and it split this soul and the puzzle said we must worship Him with our whole soul our whole soul

Channel: Tudor Bismark

Views: 27,836

Rating: 4.9254661 out of 5

Keywords: Tudor, Bismark, Emotional, Healing, Life, Educational, Person

Id: CsvWi_RoXEw

Length: 19min 58sec (1198 seconds)

Published: Mon Apr 16 2012