Explain narcissism to others using the C.R.A.V.E.D. method

hi everyone it's dr romini and welcome back to this youtube channel that takes on all kinds of issues related to narcissism and narcissistic people situations and issues of all kinds i this it is my hope that the information on this channel and the knowledge you get is actually translates into power as a way for you to be able to engage in less self-blame and take your life back and introduce you to these topics if you're just simply narcissism curious today i'm actually going to this is a video that somebody who professionally in the field reached out to me she had been at one of my talk she's like do you have a video on this so you know who you are so this one thank you for being the muse on this one and pushing me to make this one i've often thought this might be one that folks aren't that interested in but then after i got her message i thought maybe this actually would be interesting for audiences even outside of therapists and other people who work with people clinically and coaching settings and all of that one of the biggest struggles people have whether they're going through a narcissistic divorce whether they have to talk to a human resource department whether they have to talk to some sort of a legal authority even if they need to talk to family somehow talking of the saying the word narcissist is like a third rail issue if you say that you're a bad person you're judgmental you're diagnosing someone you shouldn't be diagnosing that's a whole different situation that's a whole different story it's a whole other video right but the fact of the matter is is even amongst therapists if you use this word narcissistic and i can't tell you how many times clients have said to me i've watched videos or i've read books or i learned about narcissism and i'm like oh my gosh this is my mom this is my partner this is my whatever and they go into therapy and say i finally figured it out my person whoever this person is in my life they're narcissistic and their therapist will sort of give him a judgy look like i don't know if i agree with that and this really is pronounced if a person has for example a covert narcissist in their life because it doesn't even map on and a lot of people are not taught in graduate school or in their training programs about covert narcissism and then people be like oh god the videos fit but now my therapist is telling me it's not it people are so against this word where i really it became important to me was to give people a vocabulary they could use to be able to talk about narcissism and not say the word and where i really found this to be incredibly important was in mediation mediation around divorces especially around mediation around custody and if they actually had to present in front of judges or family court or any of that well i believe and i've believed this since i was in school that the best way to remember something is an acronym right you know you put the letters together make a word it reminds you so i got one and i made up this one for all of you to have a framework in your mind to think about narcissism and if you can't use that word which is a lot of places you can't use it i want you to remember this acronym and it's craved yeah like crave like i'm craving some ice cream now right remember that word because we're going to use those letters to help you understand the various elements of what makes up narcissism so that way if you're having to explain it to someone like hey i'm in a relationship with someone and they're this this and this you'll see what i mean in a minute so what does the c stand for the st the c stands for conflict narcissistic personalities are very very high conflict they're always looking for a fight right they're always looking to bait fighting is their is their native language it's what they're good at and because of that even the smallest thing in the world they'll blow up when you maybe get ahead of them in a line they'll blow up if you give them a small critique they'll blow up if there's a small bit of feedback they'll blow up if the weather isn't what they want it to be conflict is a core part of this relationship okay so remember conflict the r stands for rigid one of the things to remember about all maladaptive personalities is that there are they are rigid they're unyielding it's a it's this personality style that doesn't give in there's not no dynamic go with the flowness a healthy personality has some flex to it okay think of it as like a palm tree that can kind of wave in the wind rigid maladaptive personalities are like mighty oaks and that's a shame because i love me in oak tree but they're solid and they don't really bend when they try to bend them they snap right so narcissistic personality styles are rigid meaning that they're not adaptable to a variety of situations and they're not amenable to change the a stands for antagonistic the nice thing about antagonistic is it takes in a fair amount of territory and that territory includes things like being manipulative exploitative arrogant all those things that make a person really difficult to get along with gaslighting all of that so an antagonistic person is kind of repetitive with being conflictual but it's all these sorts of toxic interpersonal dynamics that make relationships fraught with lying and manipulation and deceit and all these really uncomfortable things the v stands for two things vulnerable and vindictive now the vulnerable piece is the part that sometimes is important for people to understand because we often think of narcissistic people as big bad bullies but that's not the whole picture there's an incredibly vulnerable victimize in fact that could be another v we could say vulnerable vindictive and victimized most narcissist people most narcissistic people feel like victims that things have unfairly happened to them and they bring that into all of their interactions this victimized and vulnerable dynamic is particularly pronounced in covert narcissism and a lot of people will think of covert narcissistic people as being very anxious or very depressed because it comes out in this sort of vulnerable victimized way but then you realize not a single treatment in the world for anxiety or depression it's really making that much of a change in this vulnerable victimized style but the other thing to keep in mind about narcissistic personality styles is they are very vindictive if you do anything to them that they perceive as unfair or not what they want or what they believe they deserve or any of that they will come after you whatever way that looks like they may speak badly about you to other people they may actually try to literally harm you they may try to harm you and a whole whole slew of other ways and they're clever they'll often operate right under the radar where you may not have enough to i don't know like first pursue any kind of meaningful um meaningful kind of an intervention against them or legal damages or anything but the fact of the matter is is that vindictiveness the sense of like couldn't we just you know can't we just let this go can we have a peaceful end to this the answer to that is no the e stands for entitled entitlement is sort of one of the most forward-facing features of the narcissistic personality people who are narcissistic believe that they're special that the rules don't apply to them but somehow they should be regarded treatment vip treatment all the time without even it being earned or appropriate in a given situation and when that entitlement is not met in other words they have to wait in the line like everyone or they're reminded they're like everyone else that's usually met with a lot of rage they will rage at those times when their entitlement is not met they will feel entitled to knowing about people's lives they will feel entitled to the seat they want the space they want they just want things the way they want them and the d stands for dysregulated people who have narcissistic personalities are very reactive they're not able to control their emotions under conditions of frustration disappointment abandonment or stress people with these personality styles will lash out and it'll happen very very quickly in a flash very quick to anger very quick to express whatever their negative emotion is quite loudly it's for this reason that this personality style can feel very unsettling because things can change so quickly you'll say gosh we were just having a good time how did things change so fast so craved c for conflict or conflictual r for rigid a for antagonistic v now we got three things vulnerable victimized and vindictive e for entitled and d for dysregulated so okay this isn't a test in school you don't have to memorize this why does this matter because let's say let's say you are dealing for example in a difficult divorce and you want to say to a mediator or you want to prepare what you need to prepare in a um in a given case you're not doing yourself or anyone else including your children if that's the case calling your partner a narcissist even a lot of attorneys will take umbrage to that because they know they can't do much with it in court but if you were to say i'm dealing with someone where there's been a tremendous amount of conflict there's a lot of rigidity meaning that we're often not able to sort of find any kind of compromised position there there's a lot of manipulation there has been a fair amount of deceit it's often very difficult to communicate clearly you know there is a um there's a real sense of victimization and even at times of vindictiveness and coming at me so i don't always feel safe there's a tremendous amount of entitlement as though the proceedings of the court shouldn't be they shouldn't have to be subjected to them and they're very dysregulated having very sort of frightening shows of anger that's very different than saying this person's narcissistic by doing that it feels dismissive and you may even come up as come off as the more high conflict difficult person same thing applies to hr you're having a problem at work with a very very bullying colleague or boss or manager or something that in the workplace you go to hr and say oh i'm working with someone they're narcissistic but if you're saying i'm working in a situation where there's there's there's a very high conflict person there is a lot of um you know they're often acting as they're victimized everyone's out to get them when in fact they're doing the harm they're deeply entitled they don't feel like the rules any of the rules apply to them here's evidence of those rules being broken and there's lots of dysregulated there's lots of shows of anger it gives you a framework so when you're talking to someone about this you don't fall into a conversation because the minute you say you think someone's narcissistic it's very likely that whatever that regulatory entity is whether it's an attorney whether it's a court whether it's hr they're going to shut down on you and you may lose the opportunity to seek whatever recourse and probably not going to work out but whatever recourse you're going to try to pursue so this again this is a tool the craved model is something i've developed for folks who work out there and have to do who have to work on behalf of their clients and have to advocate with and for their clients but i don't see how all of you couldn't benefit from this well as well and maybe just having that tucked in your pocket if you might have to have a conversation about this even with a new therapist instead of going in and saying to someone hey i think i'm married to a narcissist hey i think my parent is a narcissist it may help for you to think in terms of these words the the all the craved terms and that might help you organize it into a description that's a lot richer and can give the therapist more to work with instead of maybe having a much more quick dismissive and judgmental reaction of you using a word it's a great word listen narcissism to me is like one of those words that's like boom it's like a well-stuffed burrito like you've got every ingredient in it and it's delicious and it makes the point well unfortunately people don't like this word and everything that's in it and everything it implies so i really think that what you wanted to be aware of is that because this word has so many surplus meanings to it even though it stuffs a lot of meaning in a really great way using this acronym of craved and pulling on those words and coming up with the more granular description of what narcissism is can really go a long way so i hope this is helpful for you as coaches as therapists and as anyone who's experiencing this and also for those of you who do work in these capacities please understand that people who use this word aren't doing it to be judgmental they're actually really using it because it's describing something but by knowing this framework craved you now understand a lot of the essential ingredients that go into this higher order thing called narcissism that really explains a lot of the distress many people are having in a wide range of experiences and relationships and to the colleague of mine who asked for this i hope this hits the points that you need thanks again

Channel: DoctorRamani

Views: 140,478

Keywords: yt:cc=on

Id: M4ypZnVF03M

Length: 13min 34sec (814 seconds)

Published: Fri Jul 09 2021