The ONE QUALITY Narcissists CAN'T STAND In A Person - BE AWARE! | Lisa Romano

today we're going to be talking about the number one quality a narcissist cannot stand in another person [Music] so if we're talking about somebody who has narcissistic traits we're talking about somebody who has a at least a false self wants you to believe and they may even believe that they are superior to you they believe that you are subordinate to them in their mind they are better than you they are smarter than you maybe they feel like they're more attractive than you whatever it is they feel like they're better than they are smarter more clever when they think about other people they see themselves as higher and better than and it can be a topsy-turvy relationship when you actually meet a narcissist because when you first meet a narcissist they're sizing you up right they want to know just how far they're going to be able to push your buttons and so i think that you know just in life we're all targets for narcissists it's just those of us who have certain qualities will be fall more prey to them than those who have other qualities and so when we're thinking about the types of qualities that a narcissist doesn't like in a person there are actually a lot of them but today we're going to be focusing on one so um i think that the number one quality that that a narcissist and i'm laughing in my head because i believe that my dad has very high narcissistic traits and i grew up with you know this type of a personality and i would see what upset him and i never really quite understood why certain people upset him so much and why certain personalities just rubbed him the wrong way and the number one thing that i think that number one quality that i think a narcissist dislikes in someone is their ability to hold on to themselves and to think factually so someone who is very present somebody who has the ability to sift through emotional data somebody who is like i said very logical somebody with a high emotional iq somebody who is able to stay in the here and the now somebody who is able to demystify fact from fiction somebody who is confident in their ability to think about things factually versus just emotionally and so and i've seen this across the board if you're dealing with a narcissist they don't want you to deal in facts they want you to deal in fiction so they want to be able to say things to you like i i abused our son because you made me abuse our son right and if you're someone who you know well that doesn't make much sense because i can't make you do anything you chose to put your hands on our son i didn't make you do that yeah well you made me angry and you know i was so angry because my mashed potatoes were not the temperature that i like them to be and you know that i like the mashed potatoes a certain temperature and you're just not falling for it you're not somebody who is easily manipulated you're somebody who is like i said is is very factual and can see through this type of um behavior and is somebody who is very fact oriented right when you're dealing with the narcissist they like to twist the turn the tables they like to um accuse you of things that you're not guilty of so if you're somebody who's like wait a minute that's not true like wait you're a fact checker uh the quality i think the number one quality that a narcissist doesn't like and can't tolerate is the is your ability to fact check them well that's not right and if you're somebody who um can fact check then you're somebody who is going to hold on to yourself right so you're speaking factually you're somebody who is not um going to be highly reactive because you're speaking factually you're somebody who um has free will to say wait a minute you're not the boss over me and just because you're huffing and puffing and you're threatening to blow the house down doesn't mean that i have to acquiesce right i can see that you're trying to intimidate me and that you got upset when i said that i didn't there's no way that i'm responsible for you abusing our child that's something that you chose to do you have free will again it's sort of this idea of fact checking so if you're somebody who's able to hold on to themselves and you're able to sift through the emotional stuff and you just look at the facts then a narcissist is going to have a very difficult time dealing with you because the narcissist wants to work in the realm of the metaphysical they want to work in the in the realm of emotions and work in the realm of vibrations they want to hijack you and manipulate you on the on the playing field of psychology right something that you can't touch right so you know how you feel is rather it's it's subjective and so um the narcissist wants to scramble your mind a narcissist wants to make you doubt yourself right doubt what doubt the facts if you're somebody who is able to fact checked then you are basically the authority of your own life and a narcissist does not like authority a narcissist wants to be the authority over you and so when you are someone who is able to hold on to themselves then you are saying to a narcissist i'm the boss over me and i recognize that you're not the boss over me right i recognize that you know you might want to um have this you know abrasive or combative experience with me right now but this it's really not necessary because i'm not responsible for your actions and that's a fact and so you know being able to fact check being able to sift through you know what has actually happened and being somebody who's very logical and reasonable is not someone that a narcissist is going to want to engage with very often because the this person is someone who's the authority over their own life and they can hold on to themselves they recognize that they are responsible only for themselves and they expect other people to be responsible for themselves when you are somebody who is able to hold on to yourself and you are the authority of your own life and you are able to look at things through a very objective lens and you were able to understand this idea of being very rational and logical versus highly emotional and our we all we're all we all have emotions i mean the goal is not to have emotions the goal is to not allow your emotions to control you because we are we are both emotionally um you know irregulated at times and dysregulated at times and if we're not in control over our emotions then then our emotions can really cause us to be reactive and behave in ways that are out of character and cause us to behave in ways that we might not otherwise behave if we were more rational now when you're dealing with a narcissist the narcissist wants to push you off balance the narcissist wants to get you to doubt your reality you know um the narcissist's agenda is to get you to to play the game which is understand that i'm the boss over you like you have to be subordinate right and so this is you know when a narcissist says they love you what they're really saying is i love that you know that i'm the boss over you you know and i love the control that i have over you that's really what a narcissist wants when you're dealing with a narcissist it's not about you you're not this autonomous human being you are there to supply them with something you you are offering them something you are a toy you know you are something that they like a chess piece that they push around a chess board there is this lack of empathy for you they're empathy impaired and so the way that they speak to you is very callous you know um what the consequences of what they say is very callous like it's not about you you know a narcissist feels entitled to be callous you know and your your vulnerabilities will be seen as a weakness and almost almost you know um there's this sense where a narcissist feels like you deserve to be punished because you're a vulnerable person and you showed up authentic you know and you showed the narcissist you know this side of you this very soft side of you you know hoping and thinking that you're on the same page right um and so when we're dealing with someone who has high narcissistic traits then they're not going to want to deal with someone who is like no this is the way things actually happened because the narcissist is is will rewrite history if necessary a narcissist will shift blame a narcissist will blame you for things that they're guilty of a narcissist will lie a narcissist will twist the truth a narcissist will completely create a story that was really not not factual especially if you catch them in a lie and so a narcissist is really not going to be comfortable with somebody and they're going to be really really um angered by someone who's like wait a minute that's not what you said you actually said this a narcissist is not going to want to hang out with or deal with someone who can say no to them somebody who is an authority in their life somebody who is willing to fact check them somebody who holds them accountable someone who is not afraid to say that's actually not what happened so if you're somebody that has the ability to stay in your own skin and to fact check then you're someone that a narcissist doesn't want to be around i mean think about it if you're a narcissist and you're about wanting people to think and believe that they that you are subordinate to them that's not a fact right no one is the boss over you right no one should be the authority over you i'm talking about in an interpersonal relationship if you're going to involve yourself in an interpersonal relationship then it should be fair that you should see this other person as a real person an autonomous person with their own sets of needs with their own sets of desires with their own sets of goals with their own sets of dreams and you as their partner want to support this your partner in their growth actually you encourage your partner's growth and that's another thing that narcissists don't like in someone they they don't like this idea that that this person that they're with wants to grow because your growth actually threatens their ability to control you right but if you're in a healthy relationship you know you see this other person as separate from you right they're not there just to serve you you know not they're not that you're there to be in a relationship with this person and it's a 50 50 type interdependent relationship right so it's not an enmeshed relationship it's not a fear-based relationship it's not a co-dependent you know relationship it's not a one-sided enmeshed relationship right you see me and i see you and you know your partner also sees that you have your own sets of needs and you have your own dreams and you have your own goals and you have your own desires right and there are things that you want to do and there are things that you struggle with and you know if you're in a healthy relationship then the person that you're with is not angered because you have a need this is so common right because a narcissist feel threatened by someone's needs right because they have to remain on that pedestal they have to be the person that you are taking care of or that you're afraid not to anticipate the needs of right so when it comes to being in a healthy relationship you want to be in a healthy relationship with someone who's going to support your growth and i think one of the red flags of being in a narcissistic relationship is when you recognize that the person that you're with is actually angered and put off by you wanting to better yourself in any way shape or form and you have to know that that's a fact that it's okay to grow and that's the whole purpose right at least in my opinion the whole purpose of being born is is to grow through to get through these eric erickson stages of emotional development and get to a point where you feel pretty um good about how you live how you've lived your life you feel pretty good about being in the winter of your life you know you feel good that you grew that you learned things and that you know when you were faced with the challenge you rose to the challenge and even though it got difficult you know you got back up again right this builds character out the challenges that we face build character a narcissist doesn't want to be challenged and so if you're somebody who is a fact checker this idea of you challenging them is going to be a part of their reality because when you're dealing with the narcissist lots of times they are pathological lying lots of times they're just making things up as they go right you catch them in a lie and what they do they create another lie you know they do something wrong and you try to hold them accountable they switch up the tables they use word salads crazy making communication they say it never happened it didn't happen the way you say it did you didn't see what you saw they didn't say what they what you say they said right they blame you for why they feel what they feel they blame you for why they do what they do and before long you're like banging your fist on the uncle on the table crying uncle because you just can't think straight right so a narcissist wants to doesn't want to be challenged a narcissist doesn't like authority and so if you're somebody who um is a fact checker then you're somebody who is going to hold someone accountable you're somebody who believes in consequences and so you know all of this all of this this this one quality in someone the ability to fact check really um really makes a narcissist uncomfortable because you're somebody who also has these other qualities like you're going to hold on to yourself you're the boss of yourself you the authority of yourself you can say no that's not right you can you're not afraid of confrontation you're not afraid of consequences you're not afraid of the awkward silence when you confront somebody right you're not afraid of calling it what it is if it walks like a duck talks like a duck and quacks like a duck it's probably a duck so you're somebody who is going to be able to say that's not what i see that's not what happened this is actually what happened these are actually the facts if you're somebody who um has a like a moral code and you're somebody who has integrity and you're somebody who believes in honesty and you're somebody who holds yourself accountable and you fact check yourself right i think it's really it builds character to be able to be someone who at the end of the night you know you you run through the day and you ask yourself um did i do anything wrong today or or could i have um been more accountable today could i have been more self-reliant today could i could i have was i highly reactive today was i unfair today you know was i manipulative today you know none of us are perfect we all have an ego and the ego comes with a certain set of defense mechanisms that we all can you know use at any point in time right but when we're talking about healing and growing what we're trying to understand that we can raise our level of awareness about ourselves and we can become more objective thinkers and we become more self-accountable more self-reliable and we can change right so if i'm not checking myself if i'm not fact checking myself then i'm not going to build character over time right if you're not willing to ask yourself when you were wrong then you're always going to think you're right and you know the minute you think that you're always right you're unteachable you're not growing people who think that they're always right and they're they're um they can't be wrong they're not teachable and if you're not teachable there's no growth in that you know i think the wisest people amongst us are people who see themselves as students for life like there's always something to learn there's always something that you know i'm going to uncover which meant that in the moment before i uncovered this thing i was ignorant to this thing but now i am more aware of this thing and because i was ignorant to this thing i actually the contrast now i'm able to know that actually i'm wiser because i didn't know that thing but when you're a narcissist you really don't think that way you don't you don't think that you have to check yourself you don't some narcissists believe their lies you know you lie long enough about a lie you you can become pretty convincing we've had that happen in our neck of the woods you know and it was quite amazing to be dealing with someone who believed everything they said you know or seemed to believe everything they said and you know if you're not somebody who is going to fact check a narcissist this charade can go on for years which happens so often you know those of us who struggle with confronting a narcissist or we're like oh no we have i call it overempathy right we have we we we don't want to confront the person because we're imagining and how that person is going to feel they're going to be so embarrassed if we call them out oh you know we avoid the confrontation we act like we didn't hear the lie okay so when you act like you didn't hear the lie then the narcissist has got you you're on the wheel but and you're the kind of person that a narcissist wants to hang out with because you're not going to confront them i remember one time when i was working in a wellness center there was this personal trainer who um said to me one day was waiting for me outside the the gym locker room and gosh it was so ridiculous and i come out of the gym locker room and he hands me these papers he's like i was up all night researching on the computer and this is this was a long time ago before you know before we computers were as savvy as they are today you know and he's like i was up all night researching this stuff and i printed this off my computer stuff about working out and nutrition or whatever and so i was just i was getting to the point where i was getting more comfortable like because i was a big avoider you know if someone said something to me and i thought they were lying i just avoided it it was just ugh you know i didn't like confrontation i didn't want to embarrass the person but i didn't realize that that's actually a quality that a narcissist wants a narcissist wants someone who's not going to confront them on their nonsense right i didn't know that at the time i was very unaware of my own qualities i didn't understand how my mind operated i didn't really understand my own childhood programming and so anyway i walk out of the locker room he hands you these papers and he goes into this big spiel about how he was up all night researching this stuff or for me me me me right i was being idealized love bombed and um i looked at the papers and they were out they were obviously photocopied right and um he wasn't savvy enough to to understand that what he was looking at basically told a story so he didn't print these off of his computer right this was printed off of someone else's computer because their their information was at the bottom of the piece of paper and what the this person did probably i'm guessing is that they photocopied it for him and they gave it to him and he's thinking oh it's a photocopy i'm going to tell her that i did all this research and that i printed it off my computer busted so i busted him and i said really i said you were up all night researching this and this came from your computer he's like yeah yeah i said i said that's so interesting i said because you you see these lines this was obviously copied on on the top of a notebook and i don't believe that this is your email address and he laughed oh you got me you got me it wasn't funny it wasn't funny that's manipulative that's absolutely 100 manipulative my point is somebody who is manipulative somebody who is love bombing you somebody who is interested in just luring you in and hooking you in and idealizing you or somebody who that you know that you work with who is lying to your face about maybe the deadline of a project narcissists at work are notorious for screwing up deadlines they are notorious for not telling you everything that you need to know about a deadline or about a project right so they're sabotaging you and so let's say you know that a deadline is due wednesday at 4pm and you hear the narcissist say oh no i heard that that the um the deadline was due on friday at 6 pm now what's happening in that situation is the narcissist is giving you false information because if you know the deadline is that on wednesday then you're on wednes if you know the deadline is friday then you're actually going to miss the actual deadline of wednesday so if you fact check the narcissist and you say well that's interesting because i heard our manager say that the uh project was due wednesday at 4 p.m not friday at 6 00 p.m right you're fact checking narcissist isn't going to want to hang out with you narcissist understands you the authority over your own life the narcissist understands that you are not afraid of conflict the narcissist understands that you want to clear the air the narcissist understands that you don't feel yourself in so you're like you're subordinate to them so there's a whole bunch of qualities in you if you are a fact checker if you're someone who says that's actually not true this is actually true and it's important it's a really important lesson for us all whether someone has narcissistic personality disorder and they fit the criteria or there's somebody who has high narcissistic traits you know if you are someone who is willing to call them out then they're not going to want to hang out with you they're not going to want to be in a relationship with you now i'm not saying that we need to be all up in someone's face and we need to be highly confrontational and we we develop this you know very aggressive and high conflict personality narcissists have high conflict personalities and so what they do they're all over you like white on rice right they're pulling your stories apart they're they actually can make you doubt yourself right that's not what i'm talking about what i'm talking about is be aware be objective listen to what people say and if something doesn't fit sit right with you just don't argue to argue which is what somebody who has a high conflict personality does these are people who love to stir the pot right everything's nicey nicey at thanksgiving thanksgiving dinner everybody's enjoying themselves and poof you know the uncle with high narcissistic traits gotta say something a high conflict personality is somebody who loves to stir the pot for the sake of stirring the pot right um they want to see people squirm they want to get an emotional reaction out of people right that's not what i'm talking about what i'm saying is if you're in a relationship with someone and you believe you're dealing with someone with high narcissistic traits and you want them to leave you alone right all you have to do is fact check them be very calm about it use very monotone tone with them don't go high don't go low just very calm very assertive very confident tone oh that's interesting because i thought that she said this or i thought that was actually what happened right because you want to send the message to somebody with high narcissistic traits that you're not playing that you're not afraid to confront them when you are someone who's afraid to confront someone then you it's what it says is that you're afraid of the confrontation you're afraid of abandonment perhaps or you have so much empathy that you already know why this person lies this person was abused in childhood or this person was cheated on before and so you're already making up all these stories and you you come up with all these rationalizations as to why this person is this way which really renders you defenseless because you're focusing on the other person and you're not focusing on yourself right so if you're in a situation with a narcissist and they tend to lie to you please consider fact checking them consider holding them accountable at least in the moment narcissists cannot stand being mortified or humiliated so again this is why this is a quality that narcissists don't like in people because if you're going to fact check them there's a chance they're going to be mortified chance they're going to be humiliated chance that the mask is going to slip chance that that people are going to get the sense that they're normal that they are not this per they are not this person that deserves to be adored they are not better than other people right which a narcissist will will combust you know if they think they're like everyone else right they think they're better than right so an aging narcissist for instance who's you know ready for a wheelchair say i'm not going to see old age home i'm not old those people are old you know you're old too you know you're getting old too you know but in their head they're just different right they they aren't like the rest of us they aren't like other people there's just there's just something so different about them and you have to see how different it is right but they want you to be there for them 110 so how dare you suggest to a narcissist that they're getting old or how you dare you suggest to a narcissist that the deadline was actually on wednesday and not on friday how dare you suggest to a narcissist that you're not responsible for their actions right how dare you call a narcissist out on anything and so these are really important things to think about in life because the reality is that narcissists exist and if you're in society then you can bump up into it up against a narcissist at any point in time and you have to recognize this quality in yourself if it's difficult i know it was difficult for me you know it's like oh my god like i i dealt with so many people that would lie right and i had such a hard time like confronting them i didn't want to embarrass them you know i was like oh yeah i want to embarrass them but then but that's why that's why you could be a magnet for someone with high narcissistic traits if you're not a fact checker if you're not someone who says well what that's not true if you don't do that then a narcissist is going to want to hang out with you as a friend as a lover as a co-worker right you're going to be someone that the narcissist thinks that they can manipulate and control but if you're somebody who fact checks then that's the one quality at least in my humble opinion that a narcissist has a very difficult time about with dealing with in a person a narcissist does not want someone who is going to confront them with the facts a narcissist wants somebody who believes that they are subordinate to them a narcissist wants someone who they feel understands that they deserve to be adored you must understand in in order to be with the narcissist this has to be understood i am different than you i am better than you i am whatever more than you is what a narcissist thinks and on on i will keep you around in my life as long as you offer me something as long as i'm gaining something from you then i will keep you around so it has to be a benefit so you're not an autonomous being that deserves empathy and consideration and you're not someone that i think that i should consider your feelings if i'm a narcissist i'm not thinking about that at all and so to be in a relationship with that type of a person that's what's going on but that's why when it comes to the number one trait at least i think that the narcissist cannot tolerate in a person or in a relationship is somebody who's going to fact check them somebody who is logical somebody who is rational somebody who is not easily manipulated somebody who's going to hold their ground look at the facts separate fact from fiction and call them out on it right so you know if you have a narcissist that's uh screaming at you and yelling at you and you know blaming you for things that are not your fault you turn around and you go i didn't move the car across the street you did i didn't move the car across the street the tree limb fell in the car blah blah blah i didn't move the car across the street you did you know and the narcissist is raging the narcissists may want you to agree that you move the car and if you don't give up the narcissist might make something up like well you're the reason i moved the car you know i moved the car because you wouldn't move the car but somehow in their head they're going to try to make a link to you so that they can blame you for why the tree limb fell on their car that's what they do they don't take accountability even over something as silly as this there was like the tree fell on the car it's nobody's fault the tree fell in the car the narcissist is upset and rather than say wow i moved the tree with the car across the street and i forgot to move it back into the driveway my bad not going to happen not going to happen in a lot of cases something obsessed the narcissist in the moment and someone has to take the blame and if you're somebody who is going to fact check then you are someone that the narcissist is not going to want to be around because you are going to be a thorn in their side you are not going to play their game they are going to want to take the ball and go home my name is lisa a romano i'm the breakthrough life coach and best-selling author and if you want to listen to one of my books for free you can do so by clicking one of the links in the description box if somebody who's struggling with codependency if you feel invisible if you were raised by narcissistic parents and you want to learn how to gain control over yourself and your life how to set boundaries other people and stop being a magnet for narcissistic others check out the 12-week breakthrough coaching program registration is now open namaste everybody until next time be careful out there and please don't forget to think if you love this content check out the next video and don't forget to click the link below so you can take the codependency quiz i know that there are plenty of mind games that narcissists play in fact narcissists are notorious for playing mind games they are the ways in which a narcissist keeps us engaged it's the way a narcissist speaks to us that makes us doubt our reality

Channel: Lisa A. Romano Breakthrough Life Coach Inc.

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Keywords: Lisa Romano, Breakthrough life coach, self help, codependency, codependent, lisa a romano, narcissistic abuse recovery, codependent narcissist, qualities narcissists can't stand, qualities narcissists cant stand in people, word narcissists cannot stand, narcissists dont like, narcissists dont like being called out, narcissists dont like to be questioned, narcissists dont like confrontation, one word narcissists hate, get a narcissist to leave you alone, narcissist, narcissism, abuse

Id: EnVvSjSI7C8

Length: 32min 29sec (1949 seconds)

Published: Sat Aug 22 2020