6 Key GASLIGHTING Phrases a Narcissist USES AGAINST YOU and WHY they CHOOSE THEM/Lisa Romano

and when i realized i was cody panetta and i started doing the research that's when i knew i had to write a book about coding thank my experience with him for teaching me what i needed needed to learn which is ultimately to let go so today we're going to be talking about six common gaslighting phrases a narcissist will use against you and why they choose these phrases to do so if you love this content please don't forget to click the subscribe button and the notification bell this way every time i upload a new video you'll be the first to know first of all i want to say thank you so much for being here thank you for wanting to learn about narcissism thank you for wanting to dive deep into relationships wanting to learn a little bit more about where your power is in understanding the dynamic unfortunately there are so many people out there who have been in toxic relationships and who have had their brains turned into mashed potatoes as i like to say that they don't understand what went wrong they don't understand how things could go wrong so quickly and almost overnight they don't understand what happened in the relationship when everything seemed so great in the beginning they had no language for oh that was love bombing or oh that was future faking or oh this is a trauma bond or oh this is blame shifting you know learning about narcissism and learning about the manipulative tax tactics that toxic people use who are stuck in the quagmire of the 3d who are living in autopilot type existence through the ego and who are not evolving spiritually who are not evolving consciously when you're involved in that relationship you know there are periods where it feels amazing and what makes it really mind-bending is how quickly it can get it can go so south so quickly and how able someone who is so toxic how able they are to turn it around and to make everything seem like it's your fault and how they're able to manipulate the way that you think how they're able to get you to question your your sense of reality you know one of the things that happens when you come out of this type of relationship is you don't trust what you think and you don't trust how you feel and you're afraid to share your experiences experiences with other people and you just shut down lots of times you can end up isolating getting depressed getting anxious and feeling really really disempowered and really like there's something seriously wrong with you like you can't get anything right you're eternally flawed and this comes from being abused over time so gaslighting is really designed to perpetuate this idea that you should not be able to trust what you think or to trust what you feel and think about it how how insidious is that for someone to undermine your ability to be confident in your perceptions of the world and perceptions of yourself it's it's pretty um malevolent to think that there are people who get off on confusing people to that point and they are so empathy impaired that they don't consider the consequences to someone's soul to someone's mind you know to their family to their to their sense of being to their mental health when they are being so toxic and so manipulative that they go out of their way to gaslight someone so that the person doesn't have the confidence or the sea legs to confront them objectively and to stand in their own power with truth with facts and or just with hey this is how i feel right so when you're dealing with someone who is toxic their goal is to undermine your ability to say this is what i think and this is what i feel this is my perspective this is my reality you have your reality because you're a 3d human being as am i and this is how you understand the situation between the two of us however this is how i understand it and you know to be able to stand there in a relationship with someone and truly like hold on to yourself is miraculous even because we all in relationships we're looking to feel connected to the other person to feel seen to feel heard to feel loved and to feel nurtured and we all to a certain degree if not all of us on some level fear rejection fear not being good enough and fear being abandoned i think it's a very natural human fear it just really depends on how aware you are of that fear how conscious you are of that fear and how much of your life is controlled by the fear of rejection or the fear of being abandoned for instance or the fear of being unliked for instance so the fear is normal a narcissist is going to exploit that fear big time and if you didn't walk into the relationship insecure it's all but guaranteed that after a few months or after a few years even decades you end up feeling extremely insecure extremely vulnerable there are cognitive changes in the way that you think your thinking changes you feel different you may be depressed or have anxiety you may have isolated because of this tremendous self-doubt you know and you end up living in a very small world because the narcissists reactions are so over the top so unpredictable that you end up worrying about them to extremes and in the worrying about this other you're being trained like a circus animal you're being trained to seek their validation you're being trained to make sure that they don't get upset so you're being trained to seek what they need so that you can figure out how to become what they need so that you can avoid a negative outcome in all of that you are ignored you don't exist and if you think about what narcissism is it's this grandiose sense of self this idea that they are entitled to exploit other people that they have a right to exploit other people that their feelings and their perceptions are always going to trump your feelings and your perceptions this idea that they are better than you more valuable than you more worthy than you and when i say worthy i mean their opinions their emotions and their experience and their perceptions of you are the most valid you have perhaps this is your second marriage you've married someone who is a covert narcissist for instance and their perception of your relationship with your children in their head should supersede the opinion that you have of your relationship with your children a narcissist is going to want to come between you and your children divide and conquer they want control over you they want to be they want you to be their source of narcissistic supply they want to control your energy perhaps your money your home even your children even your grandchildren so this is what the narcissist is after a narcissist is looking to dominate and control so it's really about power and this doesn't show up in just one relationship you will see a pattern of this type of mentality of this adversarial experience with people that just continues to show up over and over and over they're very they can be very curt with people unless of course that person has something to offer them but the minute that person doesn't fulfill what the narcissist wants and or needs the person no longer has any value so there's splitting there's black and white thinking there's no objectivity where we're understanding that some days i win and some days i lose and and some people like me and some people don't and sometimes i'm really kind and sometimes i'm not most the time i fall somewhere in the middle and it's okay if people don't like me and not everybody has to say yes to me all the time and i respect people that say no when you're dealing with someone who has high narcissistic traits the no is felt like a threat and when they feel threatened they have to attack they have to persecute so this is a very abusive personality to have to live with to have to work with and so i wanted to preface the video with this little intro about gaslighting and about the agenda of gaslighting which is essentially to [ __ ] you to arrest you and to get you to a point where the foundation of you if you could think about your brain right um your the foundation is cracked now and so now whatever you think it falls on this faulty foundation you can't trust it it's like you wouldn't build a house on a cracked foundation because wind comes and the house will fall down it's the same type of a concept where if a narcissist can corrupt you from the inside and get inside your head it's so much easier to manipulate you but in order to get inside your mind will they do the most damage they come through your heart space first sometimes they come with gifts and they're love bombing you and it feels great to feel seen and they tell you a little bit about their life lots of times it's a lie it's it's or it's highly embellished and they're working off of your empathy your empathy is actually a source of narcissistic supply you might give this person a lot of attention and the more you respond to this person's wounds the more the more you give them attention the more they feel seen the more they're controlling the relationship and actually pulling your strings there may or may not be some avenue they're after money you know physical contact whatever it is but that usually flushes itself out over time and then you've got people who are more malevolent you have people who are narcissistic and they absolutely have an obvious agenda and it could be to completely dominate and control your life to lay on your couch for the rest of your life while you go to work and you take care of them and they cheat on you and spend your money and do whatever it is that they do and the whole time suggesting that you should be taking care of them that you're wrong that your perception of them not getting a job is incorrect that your perception of them not helping out is false that your perception of them being manipulative is is not to be trusted your perception of them cheating on you and having other women call and drive past the house or whatever is going on it's all in your head and so first they'll try to get inside your heart and then that is when they're able to access your mind and over time with the help of gaslighting they're able to make you doubt your reality so i want to also not only share what i think are pretty common gaslighting phrases but why they work so just this morning i uploaded an instagram post about these gas lighting phrases i got a lot of amazing feedback so i feel like people are resonating with the message so i wanted to create a session around it so the first phrase is stop making everything about you so when you dare to express how you feel about a narcissistic person or how they treat you one of their go-to gaslighting phrases is you always make everything about you so it will confuse you and it may even shut you down remember healthy people have empathy and especially when someone else is sharing a vulnerability healthy people want things to be good between you narcissists however crave power over you so when someone says something to you like stop you make everything about you you that's really a great thing to do is to stop and to pause hit the pause button and then just go over the last five to ten minutes of your life in conversation with this person and ask yourself is this really a fair statement what happened here did i just ask the person about this idea that i heard that they were cheating on me or why did their phone ring five times during dinner and why did they ignore the phone call is it wrong for me or or am i being exploited for saying it makes me a little uncomfortable when your phone rings four or five times at dinner and you ignore it when all the other times you answer the phone is that an unreasonable request and how would i answer that question if my partner asked me that question obviously if i'm not doing anything wrong then there's a logical explanation or if i am doing something wrong i might be frustrated or angry and react and try to throw the person off track right which is what narcissists do when you confront a narcissist they've got to get you off the track they think about a dog following a trail right so they want to jump in the water they want to end the trail that you have found and that phone ringing and the conversation or the gossip that you've heard about them possibly cheating on you is a track so how do i jump in the water to get you off the track well i jump in the water by suggesting that you're making this phone call about you i mean it doesn't even make sense right you're the partner you're at dinner you've cooked this person dinner perhaps you're at a beautiful dinner at a restaurant the phone's ringing this is a conversation between the two of you this person has this phone out yeah it's about you you know and you're ignoring it you've never done that before and i'm in a relationship with you i think that's a fair question because i would expect you to ask me the same thing so you want to make sure that any time someone uses this phrase on you you want to make sure that you are able to think critically rather than emotionally and objectively i don't think it's fair to run around and point the finger finger and try to figure out who's a narcissist amongst us unless we first dealt with ourself and our stuff because i think there's a narcissist in all of us we all have pain that we're trying to avoid we can all be reactive and we all have needs that have gone on men and yes the goal is to come here and evolve up the emotional ladder to keep climbing that ladder and to make sure that we're not ending up in the negative 1 negative 2 negative 3 negative 4 end of life and we're at plus 1 plus 2 plus three and we're continuing up that spectrum and if we find ourselves sliding into negative one negative two which is more narcissistic behavior then we're accountable enough to check ourselves and bring us back to a place of ground zero right where we're like okay i have to worry about me right now am i being fair do i need boundaries am i judging this person am i persecuting this person am i being unfair right i think that's a really healthy way to approach relationships is to always check yourself first because that's not what a narcissist is doing the narcissist has their focus on you and trying to get their narcissistic supply through you and through other sources as well it's not just you and so check yourself first so when someone says stop you make everything about you just be objective and ask yourself you know did i just turn this conversation around am i being unfair and if you feel like you are not being unfair and if you feel like this is absolutely a ridiculous thing that just took place and it is unfair for my partner or my friend or my daughter or my son or whoever my grandmother grandfather whoever narcissists come in all shapes and sizes genders doesn't matter their role in your family they exist and ask yourself was this just used against me as a way to silence me and get me to feel bad about what i'm feeling because this type of a question has been created to shut you down it's been created to make you worry that you are a narcissist and narcissists don't worry about being narcissists right people who are not narcissists worry that they might be narcissist so you're being exploited now standing up against this person is another thing entirely being able to say um actually i don't i really appreciate that phrase and if we're in a relationship it's not about me it's about us and i find this to be a red flag and i'd just like to discuss the red flag and i don't think it's unreasonable for me to ask you why it is that you just ignored a phone the phone call four different times when every other time that your phone has rang at dinner you've picked it up so i just find this to be a red flag and all i'm looking to do is have a conversation with my partner if that's making this all about me then i find that to be an additional red flag because it doesn't even make sense to me that this is your reality the second phrase is i know why you said that i want to talk about why that's a that's a really red flag of gaslighting because it is insinuating that this other person knows the way that you think is inside your head and therefore they know why you said what you said which may be a complete contrast to the truth of why you said what you said but the insinuation is they know better than you which is power over you so narcissists project their negative traits onto others as a way to offset their uncomfortableness with characteristics they've yet to resolve within themselves one way this is accomplished is by accusing others or of what they are guilty of narcissistic people who are jealous insecure or angry might accuse you of such things and even suggest that they know why you said what you said be careful only you know why you said what you said don't get lost in conversations with people who refuse to listen who lack empathy and blame shift to rationalize their own faulty perceptions so most research points in the direction that has us understanding that narcissists are immersed in tremendous shame and then there's new evidence new research that suggests the opposite there's actually evidence out there that suggests that people who score high our narcissism tests really don't care that you think that they're a narcissist they really do think that they are better than you and it doesn't seem to be rooted in some painful trauma from childhood it seems like it could be societal it could be cultural it could be familial where parents are encouraging their children to think that they are better than other children that they're special they deserve preferential treatment and this carries over to this lack of empathy this lack of connection to other people in society and them feeling like they really are better than you are and or more worthy and entitled to preferential treatment which is really interesting when we're dealing with someone who is projecting their their personality flaws or their character flaws onto you for instance jealousy or anger or anxiety for instance or depression i mean narcissists will accuse you of being depressed and you're you're not depressed or they'll accuse you of being angry and you don't feel angry it's them they're projecting that onto you or they might be terribly insecure they might be sneaky and they're suggesting you're the sneaky one they're suggesting you're the insecure one not them so they're projecting this all onto you so don't be surprised if you when you if you're dealing with a narcissist every once in a while you hear them say something like i know why you said that this is a gaslighting phrase in my opinion because it causes you to doubt yourself it causes you to wonder is that why i said what i said and is that why i did what i did i had a client once who confessed to her husband that while they were separated and seeking a divorce that she dated other people and his response was you only told me that to hurt me and she was so confused by that because in her head she was trying to wrap her mind around this idea that it could be possible or could it be possible that he was right and when i asked her i said well what was your agenda for telling him that you dated other men and let us not forget that you both decided to get a divorce and as far as you were concerned the relationship was over that's besides the point we're just talking about this experience of this woman in a very vulnerable moment sharing with her what she thought was going to be her ex-husband this idea that listen if we're going to get back together i got to come clean i've been dating and i've done this and i've done that and i think you should know and him turning that into i know why you said that you said that to hurt me and although it did hurt him and obviously it would hurt anybody i would imagine of course it hurt him to hear that that wasn't why she told him she told him because she wanted to be honest with him but he couldn't hear that and she struggled and this was the crux of their relationship obviously she struggled with this idea that he would tell her why she did things why she said things why she didn't do certain things if she came to him and and said something about his mom who tended to be intrusive his response was you're only telling me that because you don't want me to get along with my mother and so this is the kind of gaslighting that really does really chip away at anyone's ability to trust this type of a person because you show up vulnerable wanting to resolve problems and the narcissist turns it around on you and uses gaslighting phrases which causes you to doubt your reality some people in my opinion do this on purpose and other narcissists this is their default setting they are gaslighting you they don't know how else to be they know that they on some level need to have dominance and control over you and you standing there in your own skin being able to defend yourself or present your case or even just confront them or maybe disagree with them is not a good place for them to be it's not where they want to be negotiation no there is no negotiating with the narcissist it's their way or the highway and they may pretend that they're negotiating with you but their agenda is to scramble your brain and if that doesn't work then they want to make you feel guilty and if that doesn't work they just keep going down the line until they feel like they have complete control over you and your choices in the way that you think another common gaslighting phrase is you're so dramatic let's break it down so let's face it we can all be overly sensitive at times and hopefully when we are we own it and we say things like i'm sorry i know i can do better and i will however when it comes to narcissists and we have to make this clear distinction they seem to be unable to acknowledge that they are the ones who create drama through their lack of empathy their sense of entitlement their resentments and their needing to blame everyone else for why they are where they are and why they feel what they feel their demeaning comments are meant to devalue you feeling devalued helps a narcissist believe you deserve to be punished in their minds they are the victim and therefore they are entitled to throw their weight around while labeling you the dramatic one so those of us who are empathic and we want to negotiate in relationships and we recognize that it can't be all our way you enter into a relationship with someone with high narcissistic traits and you keep trying to twist yourself into a pretzel to fr find the common ground like what is upsetting this person right and they stonewall you and you get upset or you hear that they twisted a story and you get upset or they lied about you or they lied about a story and then you get upset or they devalue you in front of other people or behind closed doors and you get upset and any time any time you confront the narcissist you are hit with something like you're so dramatic you're so over emotional this is to [ __ ] your ability to stand there and say no wait a minute i have a right to feel this way and i really want to be in a relationship with someone who is willing to negotiate i know it can't be all my way all the time i know that and i don't even want to be in a one-way relationship i don't that is a narcissistic codependent relationship i don't want to have that it's not built on authenticity it's keeping me stuck spiritually i have come here to evolve and i know that working challenges out with a partner is part of my spiritual evolution it's teaching me what to hold on to what to let go of it's teaching me lots and lots of things so being in a one-way relationship no that's not what i'm after but being in a one-way relationship where i am the doormat is certainly not what i want in my life and so if every time i speak to you i am labeled dramatic then you are teaching me that it is one way or the highway and that's a one-way relationship has nothing to do with what we're trying to have a conversation about it has to do with the way we communicate when you say to a narcissist you you're looking for trouble right so it's best to own it i feel unheard i feel like this conversation keeps going round and round i feel devalued i feel criticized when you label me dramatic it makes me feel that i am unable to come to you with my vulnerabilities and then you're hit with well if your vulnerabilities weren't so dramatic i would listen to you so what we want to do is we don't want to allow what someone like this says to penetrate us we're trying to remain objective which isn't so easy but it really is the goal right because if we stay in the emotional brain this triggers us a lot of our childhood stuff we end up repeating the patterns we end up marrying our mothers marrying our fathers looking for approval we're in these domineering or dominant relationships right we're seeking daddy's approval seeking mommy's approval we have kids who are watching this dynamic it's a holographic universe out there everybody an apple seed becomes an apple tree becomes an apple orchard so if we have co-dependent narcissistic parents chances are we're going to end up in a relationship like that and if we don't learn about this stuff and if we don't understand the need for spiritual evolvement conscious evolvement and up leveling of our consciousness the ability to be objective about ourselves our thoughts the ability to witness what we witness in our own mind and in our relationships we're doomed we're going to repeat the patterns that our parents represented and teach our children to do the same thing so we're trying to be less emotional when we're having these types of conversations and we're trying to be objective about the style of our partner's communication when we are hit with words like you're so dramatic it's a literal put it's literally putting you down it's trying to train you to doubt why you're upset i live with this for my entire marriage i was called a drama queen i was told that i was negative i was told i was making things up i was told that what i focused on was stupid it was silly it was insignificant and it really did scramble my head because i came from a home where i was told that i was crazy a lot you know my mom was only 19 when she had me she made a lot of mistakes she was the unrecovered adult child of an alcoholic very immature very reactive behind closed doors and i feel that she projected a lot of her unresolved stuff between her relationship with her mother on to me and so this was very natural and very normal for me to be in love with someone or think i was in love with someone who spoke to me this way and below the veil of consciousness i did not know that i was not evolving i did not know that i was stuck i did not know that i was seeking his approval i did not know that the same frustrations that i had as a child were manifesting in my marriage and i was getting sick i was having all sorts of inflammatory responses in my body i didn't know that and so the narcissist or the person in my life that i felt had high narcissistic traits it's not for me to diagnose anybody as a narcissist but the person that i believe had high narcissistic traits who devalued who discarded who would not negotiate who shut down who stonewalled who belittled who was passive aggressive who called me names that person taught me to let go when people don't change they force you to let go and there is this death that takes place this this inner child that i was or this person that i thought that i was below the veil of consciousness died i had to let go of this per this codependent person who was living below the veil of consciousness and who was seeking other people's approval who thought that i'm only worthy if i'm your doormat i'm only worthy if you give me a job to do and if i do it well and you pat me on the head that means that i'm worthy i was only worthy if i was rescuing people if i was taking care of people then then i had worth and i didn't know that i was living that way that person died but in her place became someone who was less codependent somebody who was more mindful someone who is much more accountable much more self-aware and who is now sharing that information with people like you because i i believe that if you learn something you really should share it and you should turn lemons into lemonade and be of service and so i hope that this information is helping someone out there get it i hope that this information is helping you recognize that you are enough and that when you're being devalued that says a lot more about the other person than it does you you are worthy whether or not this person says says you are or not but there's something about a person and a personality whose agenda it is to devalue other people and when that person can't see what they're doing and justifies it and rationalizes it and has and feels entitled to do so who is empathy impaired who throws temper tantrums who justifies and rationalizes persecuting people who can't let go right who takes the ball and goes home and punishes everybody right and that makes them feel like they're puffing out their chest that makes them feel strong we're dipping into the narcissistic pool and we need if you're not like that and you're being abused that way you need to be aware of that so people who accuse you of being dramatic are trying to um dismantle your ability to stand there and hold on to yourself it's the goal is to get you to doubt your reality and doubt that your emotions about a certain particular situation are actually valid they're getting you off the trail another phrase is well that's your problem so try telling a narcissist that you believe they are treating you unfairly and then they just might respond with something like well that's your problem this response stems from empathy impairment a victim mindset and a grandiose ego you are not allowed to have a problem with a narcissist they're perfect remember but they sure are allowed to have a laundry list of problems they have with you so it's important that when you hear people use this type of a phrase that you recognize that it is gaslighting that it is being orchestrated with the intent to get you to doubt your reality doubt your emotions and to push away any idea that the narcissist should take accountability for the way that they're speaking to you or for the way that they're treating you remember narcissists do not want to and they can't take on this idea of humility they can't be and they don't want to be vulnerable you know to say i'm sorry is to admit fault it's to be vulnerable it's to show up naked and raw in the company of another human being knowing that they could hurt you so when you're dealing with someone who has high levels of narcissism they're not down with that like no they are going to present themselves to the world with these tough shells this false mask and that that protects them so it's hard it's impossible to really love someone like this to get to the core of them because they reject you right they reject through devaluing you they push you away they discard you but they want you right so there's this cat and mouse game they want they'll idealize you because it makes them feel good about being around you but because they're so distrusting eventually they develop a narrative that you're not to be trusted and now they're persecuting you which is another form of dominance and another form of control so love bombing you was dominant in controlling they pulled you in hoovering you in and then devaluing you is also another form of control that they have over you when you possibly dare to say hey that hurt they turn around with well that's your problem again what's the purpose the purpose is to make you think maybe you are wrong that you shouldn't trust that this is actually a problem that the narcissist has helped created that's all in your head it's not me it's you you have a problem with me it's you i remember when i said to my ex-husband over and over and over we need therapy we need therapy i didn't know what else to do and he would say i don't feel crazy i'm very happy if you feel crazy you should go into therapy so that was his way of saying it's your problem it's not my problem you want to go into therapy you have a problem with our marriage i don't have a problem with our marriage of course not because he married someone who catered to him who anticipated his needs who more than anything was trying to bond and connect with him right but kept getting over and over over the message that i wasn't good enough but i was consistently stonewalled there was passive aggressive behavior there was lying there was manipulation there was complete fabrications and i was not an angel by any means no one is i was frustrated i got angry i reacted and i really regret those days i wish that i knew more about codependency and narcissism back then um because i i know myself i would have behaved differently once i figured out what was really going on so try to keep in mind that when you're in a healthy relationship people want to negotiate right whether it's a work environment situation or you're in a relationship with a partner or a friend it's not just your problem it's our problem right and maybe the relationship does have to come to an end maybe it's wrong maybe the vibes have changed maybe the needs of the people have changed that's totally fine but when you're in a relationship with someone and you notice a pattern of narcissism and you confront them and you want to discuss something and you're met with these types of phrases well it's not me it's you it's it's your problem that's discarding your opinion that's devaluing you that's minimizing you that's marginalizing you and this does help a narcissist gaslight you because below the veil or the undercurrent is what you think is irrelevant it's not to be trusted many of us have heard the phrase you're crazy i know i have and it's mean to question someone's mental health is mean because what it what someone is saying when they say that to you is that nothing that you feel nothing that you think nothing that you observe is valid whatever is going on in that head of yours is not to be trusted i am the authority here i tell you what you should think i tell you if your thoughts are correct or not i tell you what we should do what we should eat i tell you what movies we should watch on netflix i tell you where we should where we should vacation and why i tell you what color walls we should put in your bedroom i tell you what color couch we should put in the living room you have no say in anything nothing you are not to be trusted your thoughts not to be trusted because you is crazy this is a gaslighting phrase let me expand on that a little bit so if you're crazy then no one has to take your complaints or concerns about a narcissist seriously if you're the crazy one then none of your emotions matter and therefore you will be unable to justify setting boundaries with a narcissistic person narcissists call you the crazy one because they need to believe they're justified in not validating you whatsoever so in order for a narcissist to remain in control and to not lose their their seat on the pedestal they need to tell themselves a story about you and they need to justify their abuse they need to justify why they cheat they need to justify why they lied they need to justify the smear campaign or the triangulation the blame shifting the projection they need to justify it right the brain is a coherent tool so if you're a narcissist then the narcissist's mind has to work to justify their ego or how they're coming off to the rest of the world they have to justify their needs right so a narcissist who needs to believe that he or she is dominant compared to someone else they may need to believe that the person that they're dealing with who is complaining is crazy or the person that they are abusing is crazy and think about it if someone's crazy and dumb and stupid then i don't have to think about what they say right i don't have to worry about their concerns right i can keep it all about me well what kind of car do i want to buy and what do i want to have for dinner and where do i want to go on vacation and what do i think we should do and what do i think we should name the kids and what kind of sneakers do i think they should we should buy them because you're stupid you can't figure anything out right so think about it if someone says you're crazy you really need to hit the pause button and you have to take an objective view of your relationship and if this is a pervasive pattern it's not something that you want to ignore it's a gaslighting phrase and it's meant to cause you to doubt your internal reality and your perceptions and if someone gaslights you long enough you end up doubting everything i've seen it happen it's happened to one of my children it happened to me it's happened to my friends and of course obviously as a life coach it's happened to many of my clients i see this over and over and over and over where a highly narcissistic person uses phrases like this and gets the people who are being abused this way to doubt their perception so now you don't you can't even say hey i think i'm being abused or or hey that was abusive or or hey you shouldn't be doing that no you don't say it because this person this narcissistic person has trained you to fear being labeled because it hurts to be labeled so you are really being absolutely obliterated from the inside out you can't complain you know you can't stand up for yourself your brain has been designed to avoid pain so you end up walking around on eggshells doing everything that you can to appease this person so not to be insulted but that just keeps rather than one person stuck it keeps two people stuck living below the veil in what i call the 3d ectoplasm right unable to escape the dysfunction of this type of relationship so the last phrase i'll share is you have issues so let me expand on this one so narcissists need to believe that they are the ones that have it all together this gives them the right to not change and to rebuke the criticism of others when anyone dares to confront them if you have issues and then you wish to leave a narcissist it's because you have issues and not because they might need to look within and possibly wait for it apologize become humble ask for forgiveness and mean it and actually change healthy people know they have issues and they stay on the path long enough to heal what needs to be healed so they don't get stuck in the mud of a victim mindset which fuels the unconscious ego's desire to punish anyone that dares brush up against them narcissists freak out when they consider total fairness this is a game changer when you when you realize that these types of phrases are meant to demoralize you they're meant to marginalize you and they're meant to [ __ ] you from the inside out narcissists fear becoming mortified by someone who can stand there and challenge the way they think narcissists fear abandonment narcissists fear being humiliated right and that's why they do such an amazing job at trying to [ __ ] anyone's ability uh of being able to stand there and say actually you know what that's that's not the way this is gonna roll right if you think about a narcissist who's cheating on you they want their cake and they want to eat it too and they want to be able to justify why they're cheating on you right and you are someone who says well okay this was a decision you make and it's not working out for me that's a big blow to a narcissist you're abandoning a narcissist they weren't able to dominate and control control you so what do they tell everybody you're crazy well if you're crazy then they don't have to feel the pain of losing someone they don't have to feel the fault and the blame of losing someone right they get to avoid all of the humiliation of being found out nope she was crazy nope she was crazy that's that's why this happened right or she made it up or it never happened or she just she just accused me of it she thinks i was cheating on her it's an absolute game of denial where the whole entire goal is to avoid and evade responsibility for their actions and also invade the responsibility of their lack of empathy for other people their grandiose sense of self their their perception their grandiose perception of self and their inability to really take accountability for how their actions have affected other people if you've been someone who has actually been in this type of relationship and you have heard these types of phrases i really hope that this session has also allowed you not only to feel validated but better understand where these types of phrases are coming from and why people with high narcissistic traits might use them in a relationship with you this type of information allows you a little bit of breathing room it allows your conscious and cognitive mind to go wait a minute this is what's happening this is what i think is going on this is why and it gives you at least it helped me gain some perspective and some distance i was able to understand okay this phrase is being used now because of this reason because there's an inability to look within and he has to make everyone else wrong there's no real change happening here at all and so he doesn't want me to leave him he'd rather [ __ ] me so i don't leave him i continue to be a source of narcissistic supply and these types of thoughts allowed me to be less emotional less reactive and i didn't get caught up in trying to convince him that what was happening was wrong well i did for a long time but i learned to let that go i learned to see that this was something that i could not change i learned to accept it and i learned to namaste and walk away so the last thing that i want to leave you with is this idea of namaste and walk away so narcissists will search their entire lives for sources of narcissistic supply rather than dig deep enough to eat humble pie embrace their pain and fall into the prickliness of vulnerability sadly this means if you love a narcissist you'll always be made to feel wrong and they'll always need to feel right if you love a narcissist you might want to help change them the reality is you can't what you can do is not engage keep things superficial and refuse to take the bait when you know they are about to try and make you wrong for an emotion they are experiencing at any given time and when they throw their tantrum herald accusations at you and then pity themselves send them the vibration of love as you hold on to yourself you let go and you refuse to absorb their un unresolved anger and do do your best to namaste and walk away there is a great opportunity for you in a situation like this to evolve beyond unconsciousness to evolve into a higher state of consciousness as you recognize that you were not put on this earth to be anyone's doormat as you recognize unhealthy behavior from healthy behavior as you realize how easy it is to lose yourself to a toxic person in this in this idea you can really really give birth to your new self you can refuse to seek validation you can refuse to live in denial you can refuse to ignore red flags that was a big deal for me i ignored red flags all over the place right if i saw a red flag was like that's not a red flag so suddenly i was colorblind it was a red flag right until i had to get out of the way and this is really um it's a tough thing because getting out of the way sometimes means lots of times it means going within going to the places within ourselves that hurt the most that ate the most right that are the ickiest and the prickliest right we go into the belly of our vulnerabilities our fear of abandonment our fear of not being enough and we face our dragons to the point where we come out the other side because at the end of the day we are all divine at the end of the day we are all light literally we are all a band of light what gets in the way is our programming what gets in the way is our personality self but at our core on a quantum level we are absolutely enough and we will all return to where we came and we've all come from the same place this is just a ride this is a classroom and narcissists very rarely realize it but they are some of our greatest teachers i am thankful for the lessons that i've learned although they were extremely painful and i say that that's my unique experience but i also know that there are people out there who have had horrific terrible i mean really really horrific terrorizing experiences with a narcissist and i recognize that we're all at different levels and we're all at different rings of that ladder and it's not so easy for some of us to say yeah you know like i'm grateful that i met this person is because i was forced to like wake up and take care of myself and if you're not there that's okay if you need to hold on to anger right now because of something terrible that's happened to you that's okay if you are at a place where you're still shaking in your boots and you're trying to figure things out even that's okay wherever you are it's okay just know that the more you educate yourself the more you understand this dynamic the better it's going to become please consider going no contact please surround yourself with a support system that understands what this is like please do not try to convince other people how bad it was because people who don't understand this tend to try to say things that generally make us feel worse right oh well you know you're better off without him or oh it couldn't have been that bad or well he had a rough childhood or you're not perfect they don't get it you really need to work with clinicians who understand what this type of mindset can do to another person you need to surround yourself with people who have been there and who understand and most of all you have to give yourself time to heal there is a grieving process that has to happen lots of future faking where a narcissist is saying oh it's going to get better if you've had the up and the down roller coaster where you've been validated one minute and then dropped the next you've got a trauma bond you may have even defended the narcissist to other people it's going to take time for you to unravel this but just know that time does wonders in this type of an experience with this type of an experience make sure you're working with someone that you can be completely honest with because the last thing that you want to do is jump right into a relationship romanticize another relationship you know come up with this idea that there's a soulmate person out there because this when you believe that you there is one person out there for you that's going to make everything better then you are very susceptible to a charming narcissist who wants you to believe that he or she is that person so learn learn to be objective learn to trust your gut instincts give yourself time to heal and one day this will get better if you are struggling with holding on to yourself if you are struggling with boundaries if you have been in really in and out of relationships with narcissist or if you've been raised by a narcissist if you come from an alcoholic background and you really want to learn how you can break through the unconscious patterns that might be keeping you stuck reclaim yourself and evolve consciously and really break through the patterns that have prevented you from living an empowered life check out the 12-week breakthrough coaching program the 12-week breakthrough coaching program i offer it twice a year live but you can also purchase it on demand at 50 off the original price so if you need help breaking through check out the 12 week breather coaching program hey if you love this content don't forget to check out the next video and you can go to my website and take the codependency quiz

Channel: Lisa A. Romano Breakthrough Life Coach Inc.

Views: 117,779

Rating: 4.920382 out of 5

Keywords: 6 key gaslighting phrases, lisa a romano, narcissist, narcissism, videos, narcissistic personality disorder, narcissistic mother, narcissistic parents, why are narcissists so mean, what is gaslighting, gaslighting explained, gaslighting example, gaslighting explained simply, narcissist codependent relationship, codependent and covert narcissist relationship, narcissistic man, things a narcissists, things narcissists say in a relationship, crazymaking communication, emotional

Id: kdc68J6hOuk

Length: 53min 10sec (3190 seconds)

Published: Sat May 15 2021