DON'T IGNORE These RED FLAGS Of Narcissism! | Lisa Romano

so today we're going to be talking about some of the things that narcissists enjoy that healthy people don't [Music] so when we're talking about somebody who has high narcissistic traits we're talking about somebody who at their core has tremendous conflicts we're talking about somebody who feels like they are just special they're addicted to admiration right when you're addicted to admiration then that means that you have an attachment that means that you're not free you need something from the 3d world or you need something from people in order to regulate yourself which is a terrible state to be in because you are like i said you're highly conflicted you can never be happy and peace is never going to be a part of your reality sure if you're a narcissist you might feel more calm in one moment versus another another moment but those moments of peace that you think that you are actually peaceful or moments in which you feel like you're in control of everything right but what happens when a narcissist realizes or begins to understand that that reality is clashing with the fantasy what happens they can't regulate themselves and so when we're talking about somebody who has high narcissistic traits we are talking about somebody who at their core is a pretty miserable person although they'll never admit it narcissists can't be vulnerable so they see your vulnerability they see your empathy as a weakness and so if you have a lot of empathy for a narcissist especially a vulnerable narcissist who is telling you a sob story then you must understand that they are not going to be able to empathize with you the way that you are empathizing with them the idea of showing up vulnerable and and exposing their deepest wounds to you is something that it almost feels life-threatening because once they expose themselves to you um then you know they don't have their shell on one of the reasons that a narcissist cannot say i am sorry for hurting you i know i messed up i know i was reactive i i know that my ego got the best of me and you deserve better and i'm sorry that my actions hurt you the reason that a a vulnerable narcissist or a grandiose narcissist can't do those things can't apologize you know in a genuine authentic way is because that means that they are giving you permission to see them as flawed to hold them accountable and to walk away as long as a narcissist manipulates the way you see them there is a chance that well the chance is very likely that they stay in control of the situation and if you leave them they're going to split anyway they're going to say that there was something wrong with you or they made a mistake that you weren't this person that they thought you were you will be devalued and you will be discarded and this is done to protect the narcissist's fragile ego their false self so when someone has high narcissistic traits they don't want to look at their own problems or their own flaws they can't and so they've created this fantasy within themselves that allows them to think that they're better than everybody else they need they are entitled to preferential treatment right a grandiose narcissist will idealize you and will will pick out someone in their experience that has something to offer them and so if you're being idealized by a narcissist you don't realize that it's not about you i recently heard a story about you know somebody who was ending a narcissistic relationship and the narcissist was hoovering this person back and you know the pers the victim of the narcissistic abuse says why do you want me back and the narcissist says because i love the way you make me feel there was no acknowledgement on the part of the narcissist for how they made the victim of narcissistic abuse feel so in conversation with this person who has high narcissistic traits it was revealed that the reason they wanted the victim back had everything to do with them right so even the uh half-hearted apologies were you know it became blatantly obvious that the half-hearted apologies were all about how to secure the victim again so the victim can go back into this subordinate relationship and continue to to feed the needs of this more narcissistic person so there was no acknowledgement about how the narcissist was callous how the narcissist was was devalued the victim there was no acknowledgement of how that may have made literally no acknowledgment of of how it made the victim feel or how it possibly could have made the victim feel and it was really interesting to experience the victim actually observe the the dynamic between himself and this other person and how he was able to identify wow it's i don't exist in this in this world i exist as an extension of this person i'm supposed to make this person feel good about herself i am supposed to um you know make sure that all of this person's egoic needs are met there's really no conversation about how her actions have affected me at all and i find that that that's very interesting it's not about um you know me it's just completely about her and so it's it can be difficult to um be part of these situations um when you're involved with the narcissist because it's not always easy to spot and once you've been trauma bonded by a narcissist and you've been love bombed and your vulnerabilities have been exploited for the purpose of exploiting you later right so what happens right so classic narcissistic scenario you were idealized you were love-bombed you were sucked in your vulnerabilities are exploited explored right everything that you're saying is being filed why it becomes part of a nor a person with high narcissistic traits it becomes part of their arsenal you think that you're getting the vulnerable part of this person but you're really not you're getting the mask you're getting this smoke screen but you don't know it it can be very um alluring to be involved with a narcissist that's very charming a narcissist that says yeah sure i want to meet your family yeah sure i want to meet your friends right yeah sure i want to know everything there is to know about you but the narcissist is doing it with a hidden agenda they have to maintain objectivity they have to keep you out here you think that you're having a um authentic relationship you think that you're sharing you think that you're bonding you're thinking that you're creating this energy that exists between the two of you that is what you believe is going to be a reciprocal relationship um the narcissist will trauma bond you and threaten you threaten with threaten you with leaving you and so your abandonment trauma will get will get triggered you will be so afraid that this person who idealized you this person that you believed they were who they presented themselves to be is going to leave you that you will lose yourself in the narcissistic abuse cycle you will not hold on to your own personal boundaries your boundaries will be annihilated you will be gaslighted you will be accused of having a mental illness you will be accused of being crazy you'll be accused of being over emotional everything that you know you are not and everything that a narcissist is they will project onto you and you will find yourself wanting to understand how this person can feel this way and you can get lost in the loop of of trying to get back to where you were with this person who was narcissistic um and unfortunately or you know unfortunately it is unfortunate when you are dealing with someone who's a narcissist you know they don't present with fangs you know um they don't present you know as as alien-like creatures they are they look like you they talk like you um they live like you do they have jobs they have families and so you know it can be very difficult to spot and so i think it's really important that you are here and that you are learning about the nuances of narcissism and you are learning about the warning signs of narcissism and after working with a client for a little bit now i've developed a list for her and as i'd like to share it with all of you that really help hone in what is different between someone who is healthy or healthier than someone who is narcissistic and somebody who is self-absorbed somebody who lives in a fantasy world somebody who really does think that they're superior to other people whether it's their whether it's their charm charm whether it's their intelligence whether it's their whatever their job whatever it is they do they want they want to believe that they're better than you and they want you to believe that they're better than you and they want other people to believe that they are the best right so there's this competition thing although you know it'll be hidden um that really is the agenda is to be admired and to be adored and to be seen as the best right and they really believe that they are you know it's very telling so somebody who's who has vulnerable narcissism is going to have traits along those lines where you know they look at you like you could never understand how i feel and they will argue with you and so you know again it it gives it gives you a clue into how difficult it is to have an authentic relationship with somebody with narcissism because they see themselves as so special and so unique and so in order to have an authentic relationship you really have to be able to bond with another person so this empathy component understanding that this other that that you can trust that this other person yes understands how you feel and the ability to understand yes how this other person feels my father in my opinion in my humble opinion i don't ever believed could empathize with how we felt you know and i think having empathy for us you know um threatened his ability to stay you know feeling like that king superior and entitled you know i think that if he ever empathize with us he might find himself feeling guilty and that's just invulnerable and maybe even needing to say i'm sorry which means that he would have to be able to stand there and possibly accept and tolerate our rejection of him which is just not feasible in his mind that now that's just my opinion i'm not a psychiatrist i'm not diagnosing my dad you know based on my research and working with clients and and what have you this is my estimation of of the of my experience this is just my experience now there are things that narcissists enjoy that healthy people don't number one narcissists enjoy watching you beg for approval so a healthy person is going to be very uncomfortable with someone begging for their approval it's not going to feel right in their skin you know it's going to feel forced and it's going to make them feel bad for the other person like you don't need my approval dude like you're enough right a healthy person is uncomfortable with somebody who is begging for approval who feels less than them right a healthy person wants you to feel equal a healthy person wants you to feel you know love for yourself right a narcissist however is going to enjoy watching someone squirm and beg for approval and validation the second thing narcissist delight in other people's mental confusion a healthy person wants you to be clear a healthy person is interested in clearing the air a healthy person is going to want to make sure that you're on the same page a healthy person is going to want to meet you halfway an unhealthy person no an unhealthy person will enjoy gaslighting you they will enjoy enjoy blame shifting they will enjoy watching your mind go down a rabbit hole they will actually enjoy the fact that you're nervous around them that you're fumbling that you're dropping the forks and you're dropping the knives and you're bumping into walls right they actually enjoy it it gives them a sense of superiority over you another thing a narcissist looks forward to exposing your deepest and darkest secrets what if you have ever loved a narcissist if you've had a narcissistic friendship what you notice in hindsight is that wow i told her that thing and i told her that thing in confidence maybe you did something that you're not proud of and by the way we've all done things we're not proud of why because we're all human and we all make mistakes a non-narcissistic person is going to hold themselves accountable they're going to use self-awareness to change that behavior so the pain that you experience from doing something that you feel guilty about helps you become a better person right now somebody who is narcissistic doesn't take accountability feels entitled to exploit other people um will not go to that place of vulnerability and feel that i'm wrong so a vulnerable narcissist is going to persecute and avenge you even a grandiose narcissist they're going to try to hurt you if you ever tickle their narcissistic injury right there's going to be this sense of persecution they're going to come after you so that's also a sign a narcissistic person a joint enjoys punishing other people a narcissist is not happy until they feel like they have they have exhausted all means necessary of hurting you a narcissist is not going to be happy or feel content or feel emotionally regulated until they're able to feel satisfied in in persecuting you to a point where they feel like ah okay i got them a healthy person doesn't think in those terms um a narcissist is going to take things that you've said to them and use them against you so you know you might be having a conversation you know in front of a group of friends and out of the blue a narcissistic friend exposes what you did years ago that you told her in in secret and you're just stuck there like what you're not even embarrassed anymore over what you did but you're just shocked at the betrayal right and the narcissist is really enjoys triangulating you a narcissist enjoys making you feel less than a narcissist enjoys putting you in your place a healthy person is going to take the things that you share with them and hold them near to their their chest they're not going to hurt you even if the relationship goes south a narcissist a healthy person is not going to expose your deepest secrets sure if they if your friends ask them like why did the relationship end they might share some details but i'm talking about these deepest darkest secrets that happened in your life that you've shared with someone or they've shared with you a healthy person is not going to share them with other people there's just this line that a healthy person does not cross even when an unhealthy person crosses crosses that line um so um a narcissist extracts a sense of power from hurting you so a healthy person does not feel regulated by hurting you a healthy person feels uncomfortable when they've said something even if they've said it out of anger there's still this uh i wish i didn't say that when you're dealing with the narcissist it's the opposite it's like oh i'm glad i said it oh did you see her reaction oh did you see how he how he responded when i said that you know or it's there's just this level of excitability almost like um like like gratification that they were able to hurt you right a healthy person does not feel good about hurting anyone there's there's there's no um relief in hurting another person now i'm not talking about the day-to-day like you find yourself having a quick argument with someone and you felt the need to defend yourself i'm not talking about defending yourself in a conflict with someone that you need to defend yourself with you may not enjoy that's you're defending yourself i'm talking about the type of a personality trait in which someone actually enjoys and gets off on hurting another person that is different than defending yourself from someone or defending someone else i'm talking about the joy that people experience from watching another person cry from watching another person getting beat down so much emotionally that they fall apart that they can't speak that they can't defend themselves or they run out of the room crying there are just certain people that enjoy that you know crippling them making them feel guilty they derive a certain pleasure from hurting other people's feelings and so that's something that narcissists enjoy that healthy people don't narcissists are happiest when you're unhappy so a narcissist cannot in my humble opinion experience joy so joy is non-attachment joy is surrender joy is acceptance joy is i can't control everything and that's okay joy is being not attached to an outcome knowing that anything can happen at any point in time knowing that some people will like you and some people won't you know there's joy in not being attached to outcomes now narcissists are happiest when you are unhappy so when you are joyful that is a very high flying vibration and when you're up here a narcissist can't control you so a narcissist who's here energetically needs to bring you down here where they can control you and so one of the things that upsets a narcissist is when other people are happy when other people are successful when other people are you know perhaps being exalted by a company for doing a great job a narcissist is going to have to knock you down a few pegs an un an unhealthy person is unhappy when you're happy a healthy person is very happy when you do well they celebrate your successes they are not jealous of you they might have you know a little twinge like oh i wish that was me but they don't they're not destroyed because you're happy they get over it quickly you know and even if they had this momentary you know very natural like envy you're like oh i wish that was me they resolve it quickly they even feel bad that he even had that momentary like momentary that that moment of envy there's this natural oh i wish i didn't feel that way and i shouldn't feel that way and she's my friend and i want her to have everything and they resolve it quickly they grow from the experience right so a happy person or a healthy person wants you to succeed and in terms of the law of attraction you know you cannot manifest in your experience what you don't want other people to experience because you have to in order to manifest joy you have to be happy if someone's joyful even if you're not joyful so you can't just stay in joy and expect to attract joy that's just law of attraction stuff right so a healthy person is happy when other people are happy right they can see other people as an autonomous human being one of the things that i always appreciated about my sister was this this idea that regardless of how bad my sister's life was she was always happy if i was happy you know um even when she was in very unhappy circumstances my sister was the kind of person that always said you know i am so happy for you lee i am i'm just so proud of you or whatever she i never felt like there was this envy or this jealousy from my sister and i can from my toes tell you that i never experienced that from my sister not even when my mother was you know had chosen her as the golden child in my humble opinion there was never jealousy you know there for there and for that that's something that i'm really really grateful for in my own life so you should know that when you're out and about and you are you know with people a telltale sign of a narcissist remember we're looking for patterns over time is somebody that you notice is most happy when you're unhappy somebody who is not happy for your joys and your successes somebody who has to if you have a great time with your kids they're glaring at you right from across the room it's that stare a narcissist gives you like you're having too much fun it's making me uncomfortable and you're responsible for how uncomfortable i am and you better stop having fun and all of a sudden you tone yourself down and you stop having fun if you've been a victim of narcissistic abuse you know what i'm talking about i have had this experience from around i could think about it like it was yesterday in the backyard of my friends with my friends having a great time and look across the room or look across the backyard and i could see that the person that i was with who was a covert narcissist was unhappy that i was happy you know it was like okay kids we got to go we got to pack up so and so is unhappy we gotta go you know and then being me being upset on the way home right allowing my this person to make me feel like i've done something wrong so that's that's a sign to look out for um narcissists feel empowered by gaslighting you until you no longer think no longer think without doubting your reality a healthy person doesn't want you to doubt your reality dear one a healthy person wants you to feel confident they want you to feel self-assured they want you to feel empowered they want you to find your love they want you to find their life they see you as a separate autonomous human being right they know that if you're successful maybe they can be successful too now our narcissist is going to revel in gaslighting you to the point where you can't think straight now a healthy person is going to be uncomfortable if you are someone who is unable to think straight right they have empathy for you right and they're empathizing with you and it makes them terribly uncomfortable to know that you're struggling emotionally to know that you're struggling with psychologically to know that that you're struggling with trusting your feelings it's going to make a healthy person emotionally uncomfortable when someone is struggling with doubting their reality when they know that they should be trusting their instincts a narcissist on the other hand feels more regulated when they are able to get someone to doubt their reality it goes back to their need to reinforce this idea that they are superior and that they have the right to exploit you and that they have the right to gaslight you and to triangulate you right they must mentally and emotionally control you and they feel entitled to do it right so a telltale sign of a narcissist is someone who feels entitled to rob you of your joy a healthy person wants you joyful a healthy person is never going to call you names a healthy person is never going to want to minimize your accomplishments no that's not what healthy people do so i hope that this talk about some of the things that narcissists enjoy versus what healthy people enjoy helps make you a little bit more clearer about some of the telltale signs of narcissism you need to be looking out for my name is lisa romano i'm the creator of the 12-week breakthrough coaching program this is a coaching program for people who struggle with codependency and who are trying to recover from narcissistic abuse if you are the child of an alcoholic or the child of a narcissist if you grew up feeling emotionally neglected the 12 week break the coaching program might be what you're looking for like to listen to one of my books for free click one of the links below namaste dear one until next time and please don't forget to think bye for now if you love this content check out the next video and don't forget to click the link below so you can take the code of fantasy quiz fact narcissists are notorious for playing mind games they are the ways in which a narcissist keeps us engaged it's the way a narcissist speaks to us that makes us doubt our reality

Channel: Lisa A. Romano Breakthrough Life Coach Inc.

Views: 355,115

Rating: 4.9147921 out of 5

Keywords: inspiration, codependency, codependent, red flags, narcissistic abuse recovery, narcissistic abuse, red flags in relationships, early warning signs of narcissism, 10 warning signs of blatant narcissism, lisa a romano, narcissism, narcissist, narcissistic personality disorder, things narcissist enjoy healthy people dont, eight indicators of narcissism, indicators its time to leave the narcissist, spot a narcissist before youre in it, breakthrough life coach, spot a narcissist red flags

Id: LmVPORgF_K4

Length: 26min 17sec (1577 seconds)

Published: Sat Sep 05 2020