The Office | Every Cold Open (Season 6 Part 1)

this is parkour internet sensation of 2004 and it was in one of the bond films it's pretty impressive the goal is to get from point a to point b as creatively as possible so technically they are doing parkour as long as point a is delusion and point b is the hospital yeah yeah yeah okay [Applause] okay we all go together or we go one at a time here it is here it is uh truck to refrigerators to dumpster 360 spin onto the palace backflip gainer into the trash hardcore parkour parkour yeah you want to see me yes oscar come on in close the door if you would thank you thanks so much for talking to me yeah sure i'm going in for a procedure today is everything okay yeah it's it's routine i'm just a little bit scared i'm sure everything will be fine what what do you what's the procedure if you don't mind my asking it is a colonoscopy okay in your experience what should i be expecting in terms of sensation or emotions is there anything i can do to make it more pleasurable for me or for dr chaundry oh my gosh my main concern is should i have a safe word could you please sign my expense report no way no how expense reports are a day-to-day item that is gyms now i am exclusively big picture epic where's the please we're not animals sign it no not without a please idiot i have a complaint about jim that is not big picture i would like to file a huge enormous massive complaint about the tallest guy in our office jim won't sign my expense report that is not okay day-to-day no that is huge we're trying to have to do get out get out get out get out i'd like to lodge a complaint i'm sorry to hear about that who is this about you okay just want to let you know i take complaints very seriously so when did this happen one minute ago okay and how do you feel angry all right did he hit you no did you cry no do you feel like crying no i'm just gonna write held back tears wait stop writing that that is not true if you stop crying i'll stop writing his i'm not uh i deserve that promotion not jim oh man makes me want to put him in a triangle choke hold and force him down to the ground and just keep and pressing and then flip him over and then put him in a hammer lock and he's gasping he's panning for every last breath and the crowd is going crazy and boom i emerge victorious eighteen thousand dollars on a chance at the title jim wants you to keep it down i'm sorry you guys have probably noticed my stomach's a little more sensitive lately so if you wouldn't mind wearing a little less perfume and if your lunch is especially pungent maybe have it in the break room we would really appreciate it pam is constantly throwing up because of the pregnancy if she eats something the fetus doesn't like she is screwed it's amazing a three ounce fetus is calling the shots it's so badass phyllis um if you could switch to a different soap just for a month or two yours is kind of perfumey now this is getting ridiculous oh gee i'm sorry i guess i missed the meeting where we all voted for you to get pregnant no i reserve the right to peel my hard-boiled eggs at my desk all morning i look forward to my afternoon cigars and i am not stopping for anybody i don't think i'm asking for too much i guess it's just the end of courtesy in the workplace uh watching people get sick always makes me sick and frankly soda's talking about it so wow oh the fundamentals of business the fundamentals of business mental is a part of the word i have underlined it because you're mental if you don't have a good time you have to enjoy it well the the fun is in it all right get out yes so it all starts with a handshake but you can't just go right to the selling you need small talk what topics can you use for small talk golf stock market dave matthews yes what else uh small things peas ball bearings dimes no the weekend yeah that's good come on up meredith come up here let's do a little something so meredith and i have just started conversing and i will say so meredith how was your weekend what did you do well i caught my son taking a dump on the upper part of the toilet all right he calls it an upper deck okay okay god what you people don't know about business i could fill a book with then do it what write a book the fundamentals of business by michael scott over one billion sold more than the bible i'm not surprised chapter one the businessman they're back how was puerto rico was it so romantic it was it really was really was i'm so happy for you puerto rico was awesome oh my gosh the honeymoon was great we met this other couple at the resort frank and benny we hung out with them a lot franken beans always makes her laugh frank and b [Music] [Laughter] is there someone there who's there i hear voices is somebody there yeah is someone here i can't see you because i'm blind it's jim and pam michael it is yeah they're back oh oh pam nope oh jim hi michael oh i haven't seen you since my accident that i had when i fell i fell into the pool of acid eyes first blind guy blind guy my squeezy how do i describe it is a character i've been workshopping whose lack of vision gets him into all sorts of trouble the women in my improv class absolutely hate him so what'd you bring us some candy what else that's it oh cause you spent so much on the wedding [Music] it's good to be home good morning everybody who would like an authentic new york bagel stanley thank you oh no no no i got a pumpernickel just for you wow h h you went all the way to new york city to get us bagels oh why is there a place closer that sells them this is really nice dwight thanks thanks oh don't mention it you owe me one you all owe me one good morning michael morning dwight hungry no i had a fish stick sandwich actually i had two fish stick sandwiches my girlfriend didn't want hers because i guess i'm the only aphrodisiac she needs fish sticks are not an aphrodisiac yeah you're thinking of deer penis it worked regardless that was over two hours ago and it is now a scientific fact that you are hungry bagel i don't mind if i do hey i brought cheese too i'm taking one from my lady friend excellent brain food thank you very much okay you owe me can a guy just buy some bagels for his friends so they'll owe him a favor which he can use to get someone fired who stole a co-manager position from him anymore jeez when did everyone get so cynical got you broken arm broken nose boom boom boom broken nose boom huh gonna flip you once a year dwight holds a seminar updating us on the newest developments in the world of karate because as we all know the one thing that thousand-year-old martial arts do all the time is change how can i pose this to you in a relatable way you are all members of the yakuza and you happen to be visiting the lackawanna trolley museum and you were attacked by triads how can you hold them off until your clan arrives you cannot go wrong with a throat punch okay so there's no defense for that good to know no there is a defense for that let me demonstrate someone attack me kevin go no way last time you pulled my pants down and then you tried to choke me with my shoelace false i did choke you with your shoelace now come at me okay with all due respect to everyone here i think the most worthy opponent of you is you that is correct unless there happen to be measles present so let's just say that dwight has come at you with the throat punch now how would you dwight defend against it easy allow me to demonstrate i am attacking myself with a throat punch here it comes block grasp wrist as such and what if he comes at you with the other hand because he does have two good points second throat punch absorb the blow groin punch hip block elbow to the gut uh-oh up to the nose no you're not ah oh oh my god he's making you look like such a fool he really is but not for long oh god instep oh not again you let go you let go oh you're right i can't hold on you two are so evenly matched i don't know how one of you is gonna get the upper hand the important thing to remember jim we always have what is called the element of surprise not again bow down before recyclops five years ago corporate said we had to start a recycling program for earth day so dwight took the lead on that and introduced us to a very close friend of his named recyclops happy earth day everyone i'm recyclops did you know that an old milk carton can be sawed in half and used as a planter the next year he really stepped things up who has put a number seven plastic in a number four bin a year after that recyclops really began to take shape recyclops will drown you in your over-watered lawns then tragedy struck recyclops when his fictional planet was attacked by some other fictitious thing i can't remember recyclops will have his revenge i think this was also the year that he renounced earth day and vowed to destroy the planet he once loved oh my god you guys look it's for cyclops rich cyclops destroyed oh it's the day of recyclops day yes i thought you were killed by polluting us uh polluted and wishes that's aerosol spray it's terrible for the environment humans are terrible for the environment the thing i like most about recyclops is that he's creating a different world for our child a world where you truly can be anything you want god bless you recyclops and your cold robot heart you want to see me yeah have a seat is it serious wow andy's a little scaled okay right there right there is the problem there have been reports around the office that you have been talking baby talk why would people say that well i have not good authority that you said the following you read that back to me andy have a boo-boo tummy would you rather me say hey guys my irritable bowel syndrome is flaring up okay crazy diarrhea happening right now because things can get real adult real fast you are also on record as saying widow idol footy woodies num nums jammies make boom boom widicois and woad island do i sometimes replace rs with w's do i sometimes repeat a word to get my point across well if i do andy sawyer you can't be a baby in the office it makes me look like i hire babies well if we're complaining a lot of people think your elvis voice is annoying okay who said that i'm just people for the record i think it's pretty fantastic well thank you thank you a lot that's what it's worth i think your baby voice is topped thank you miss joe alpress you're welcome baby attention everyone jim and i on behalf of the party planning committee enough too loud but effective look on behalf of jim and i merry christmas merry christmas good my diabolical plot is on hold for christmas my heart just melts with the sound of children singing not really i'm just tired the days are short i don't know maybe i'm depressed it is time to unveil the tree rockefeller center yeah uh i've actually been to rock center and this is nothing like that this is all we have ugh nope it's not ugh it is office camaraderie it is warm feelings why don't we talk more about it instead of doing it thirty twenty nine twenty eight why would you start selling seven three twenty two one who oh you didn't decorate it no exactly we didn't because we think it would be better to do it together everyone why would you wrap it in a sheet if you're not covering anything up is is it fake pam yeah yes we are unveiling an artificial tree that will never die yes like the spirit of christmas we're supposed to applaud you for taking a giant dab off a fake tree this was a successful unveiling go back to work merry christmas you

Channel: Peacock

Views: 2,914,293

Keywords: peacock, peacock tv, peacock streaming service

Id: 54ZwZg0A8j0

Length: 17min 16sec (1036 seconds)

Published: Thu Apr 29 2021