-What is this? -How did those get out?
I'm sorry. -"Professor Copperfield's
Miracle Legumes"? -I was in Jamaica,
and I got lost. And it was getting dark
this one night, and then out of nowhere,
this guy comes with a cart and he's selling these. Dwight, he told me
things about myself that there's no way
he could've known. -Hm, that's
a common swindler's trick. -Probably. Probably. So I buy some,
I turn the corner, I feel like an idiot,
so I go back to get my money he was gone. -So you want to sell me
magic beans? [ Laughs ] -Correction --
I do not want to sell you Professor Copperfield's
Miracle Legumes. -Nice try. No, correction --
terrible try. [ Chuckles ] ♪♪♪♪ Jim told me you can by
a "gaydar" online. -That's ridiculous. -Yeah, probably. He didn't tell the truth a lot -[ Sighs ] Let's call him
and get the website. -Definitely. -What's gaydar? Oh, oh! Gaydar, yes, no. Um, I think they have it
at Sharper Image. Oh, you know what?
I can check for you. No problem. [ Keyboard clacking loudly ] It's sold out. Yeah, sorry about that.
That's a bummer. -Well, they're sold out.
-Damn. I'll try Brookstone. -I'm just saying that you
can't be sure that it wasn't you.
-That's ridiculous. Of course it wasn't me. -Marijuana
is a memory-loss drug, so maybe
you just don't remember. -I would remember.
-Well, how could you if it just erased your memory?
-That's not how it works. -Now, how do you know
how it works? -Knock it off.
Okay, I'm interviewing you -No, you said that I'd be
conducting the interview when I walked in here. Now, exactly how much pot
did you smoke? -What is going on here? -Dwight, thank God you're here As it turns out, one of our biggest clients
is a ping-pong master. And I have to play him tomorrow
or we lose the account. Can you help me out?
Will you help me practice? [ Ping-pong ball clacking What the hell?
-I told you. All of my heroes
are table tennis players. "Hope this helps," Jim. Nice. -What are you doing?
-Shh. Don't be scared. [ Device beeps ] It works.
[ Chuckles ] [ Device beeps ] Oh, no. [ Device beeps ] -Hey, Dan. This is Jim. It is about 11:15,
and I wanted to know what you were up to tomorrow
which is the 15th, and that is a...
-Saturday. -...Saturday, so just let me
know what you're doing tomorrow, Saturday, for lunch. Okay, talk to you soon. Today is Thursday, but Dwight
thinks that it's Friday... and that's what I'll be
working on this afternoon. -Hey, Jim.
-Hey, how's it going? -Oh, my God. Did you see
"The Apprentice" last night? -Of course --
it's on every Thursday night so how could I miss it? -Can you believe
who Trump fired? -No, that was unbelievable
-Who? Who was it? Who did he fire?
-You didn't see it? -No. I went out and got drunk with
my laser tag team last night Crap! I never go out
on a Thursday night. What the hell was I thinking -I don't want to have to
read these tomorrow. -Yeah, who wants to come in
on a Saturday? -Yeah -- What? No. It's 12:20.
Where the hell's Dwight? -Um, no idea. -"Never missed a day" my ass -I'm here! I'm here! I'm here! It's okay! Put those away. -I'm really sorry.
Pam must've put those out. -Alright, just out of curiosity, what were the claims
for those beans? -They're legumes, Dwight. And you're just gonna make fun
of me, so why would I...? -[ Scoffs ]
-You know what? This ends now. -Jim, could you please
inform Andy Bernard that he is being shunned? -Andy, Dwight says welcome back
and he could use a hug. -Okay, tell him
that that's not true. -Dwight says that he actually
doesn't know one single fact
about bear attacks. -You guys.
-Okay, no, Jim, tell him bears can climb faster
than they can run. Jim! Tell him! -[ Softly ] Andy --
[ Normally ] Oh, it's too far. -Damn you. -How's it going? -Well, he has gone
from completely hopeless to simply miserable.
-Check this out, though. Spin serve. -Well, it works
like 80% of the time, so.. -Nice. So, should I schedule
the rematch with Darryl now? -I think I'm ready. -I'll make the call. -Wait a minute.
Darryl is the client? [ Sighs ] No, no, no. He works here, dumbass.
-Right. You know I majored
in public speaking in college? -You did?
-Mm-hmm. And the first thing
that they teach you is that you've got to
be true to yourself. And you are all about authority. -Yes. I am. -The great speakers throughout
history were not joke-tellers. They were people of passion. So, if you want to
do well today, you've got to do what they did
-Which is? -You've got to wave your arms, and you've got to pound
your fists many times... [ Pounding ] ...so as to emphasize
your point. Okay, I didn't actually major
in public speaking. But I did download speeches from some of history's
famous dictators, like this one originally
given by Benito Mussolini. Okay, look, I know you're giving
this speech on your own, but I wrote up
a few talking points for you to take a look at. Hope you don't mind.
-I'll glance at it. [ Pounding ] Blood alone moves
the wheels of history! What the...? -Oh, my God. -Tha-- That's impossible.
-It is, right? I mean, it's impossible. -[ Exhales ] Alright, I'll take them. -They're probably worthless.
-Probably. -Leave the telescope. -I started with a thumbtack an
traded my way to a telescope But in a way,
the most valuable thing here wasn't the telescope at all. No, it was this packet of beans, so I traded the telescope
for it, and I can -- I can just
go buy another telescope. Who are all these people? -You know what? I bet a lot
of them are wedding crashers -No way.
-Did you ever see that movie -Of course I saw it. I saw "Wedding Crashers"
accidentally. I bought a ticket
for "Grizzly Man" and went into the wrong theater. -You know, I just wish -- I wish
I had the investigative powers to actually smoke some
of these guys out, you know? -Once again, Jim,
I will take care of this. I will locate
the wedding crashers and report them to Phyllis That way
I won't have to get her a gift Excuse me, sir. How do you know
the happy couple? -Who?
-The bride and groom, what are their names?
-Oh, I -- I don't, uh -- I'm not sure.
-Oh, I get it. I get it. Come on, freeloader,
let's move it. Come on, come on.
-Oh. Okay. Okay. Where are we going? -Uh, I'm supposed to ask
if anyone has seen Uncle Al. He is old and has brown eyes
and dementia. His family is very concerned
It's a very serious situation. [ Drumsticks clacking ] ♪♪ Roxanne ♪♪ -Question -- on the Internet there are several different
options to get to your house for the party tonight.
-Oh, um, no, can you keep that down?
-Why? -[ Whispering ] Because not
everybody knows about the party. -[ Whispering ]
Like who? Who doesn't know -Um, Michael. -Why just Michael? -Because it's a surprise. Is it?
-Mm-hmm. -Oh, that's perfect. -So don't tell.
-I won't. -Okay.
-Surprise! [ Laughs ] Everybody.
-Dwight. -Wow.
-Here's the thing, okay? You just keep talking to her If you hit a stall,
you have a perfect fallback. -What's that?
-You buy a purse. -I don't want a purse.
Purses are for girls. -Dwight,
that's not necessarily true. Do you read "GQ"?
-No. -Okay, I do.
They're like mini briefcases Alright? Lots of guys have them. -Like those?
-Yes. Listen, you are spending
way too much time talking to m when you could be
talking to her. -Okay, I'm just gonna
use the bathroom and then -- -No, you don't need the
bathroom. You've got it. Go. -Friday at --
-Okay. Shh. Stop whatever you're doing
'cause this is going to be good. [ High-pitched voice ]
"Hi, my name's Dwight Schrute, and I would like to
buy a purse from you. Good Lord, look at these purses.
This is something special. Oh, my God. Is this Salvatore Dicinipasta?
-"Oh, definitely. Definitely step in and out of it
like that." -[ Hushed ] Here he comes. Shh [ Phone ringing ]
-Damn it! [ Sighs ] Dwight Schrute.
-How old's Kelly? -Who is this?
-It's Mose. Who do you think it is?
-Mose doesn't know how to use a phone,
so joke's on you. What's happening? -Oh, she's asleep. -Oh, narcolepsy. -Probably. -Okay, now, open your eyes
and describe it to me. -I don't know. It has
four bedrooms and a loft. -Oh, my God.
Now she's up... -Yeah?
-...and she's trying to describe how to correctly
butcher a goose, but she's having
trouble coming up with it. -Okay, Cindy! Yo! Cindy, Cindy Pull its neck back, insert
the knife underneath the jaw bring it all the way around. There's gonna be
a good amount of blood, but don't let that bother you. Have a bucket there
for the blood and the innards and the
feathers. -I know. I suck.
-Yes, you do. -Dwight says hi. -I do not. I do not say hi, Pam! -Now he's saying hi even louder.
-Alright, listen, um, we're still good
for this weekend, right? No football games, recitals,
karate tournaments? -[ Chuckles ]
Hey, can you go to IM? -Okay.
-Okay. [ Computer chimes ] [ Keyboard clacking ] -What are you writing about me [ Computer chimes ] [ Sighs ] -[ Tsk-tsking ]
[ Computer chimes ] [ Keyboard clacking ] [ Computer chimes ] -I'm gonna write you both up
for not working. -I'm gonna write you up
for not working. -[ Sighs ] Okay. Well played. Neither of us will write
the other up for not working [ Computer chimes ] -I could always kind of
win over that. -Oh, really? Mm-hmm?
How would you do that? -Mind control.
-[ Scoffs ] You can't be serious. Are you serious?
-Ever since I was a little kid like 8 or 9, I could sort of
control things with my mind. -I don't believe you. Continue -It was just little things
you know? Like I could
make something shake or I could make a marble
fall off the counter. You know, just little things -[ Scoffs ] That's ridiculous.
You know what? Uh, why don't you move
that coat rack? Excuse me, everyone, attention
in the office, please. Jim is about to prove
his telekinetic powers, and he needs absolute silence. Go ahead.
-Okay. I'll try. [ Exhales ] -Oh, my God.
