The Narcissist Dilemma: Second Chance?

welcome back to ask Dr Clark today's topic do I give the narc another chance many of my social media followers and phone advice clients ask me Dr and they serious because these are good-hearted women and and they want to do the right thing before the Lord do I give the Nar another chance they are separated or divorced and the narc is now sorry and wants to reconcile or they're still living with a man and uh and he's done some horrible series of things of course all the abuse but now all of a sudden he's sorry cuz she's is getting ready to leave today I'll tell you what I tell them about reconciling with a narc at the end of this video I'll recommend two helpful resources okay today's question comes in the form of an email I received I get a lot of emails I love to get him hello Dr David that's me Dr David I have been married for nine years she says and been separated for over a year now when we met I was a Christian he was not big mistake well she knows that now God forgives you it's okay but I was young and naive and thought I could change him oh boy I know well she knows better now yet here we are 10 years later she says the nine years of marriage were hard I've been walking on eggshells the whole marriage because I never knew how he would react classic narc his anger got to the point where he would break anything I mean phones TVs laptops holes in the wall and doors this guy's a rager he was always rude to me my family and my kids even to his own mom I begged him so many times to go to counseling so many times to stop watching porn the guy watches porn too he would not communicate with me just shut down and not talk to me until he felt like it or when he wanted sex at an arc he would cuss and scream at me in front of the kids the last year of our marriage I wasn't even the person I used to be I hated who I had become and became very depressed I would take out my anger on the kids that's exactly what happens cuz you're just so overwrought and wounded and traumatized she continues coming back to now more than a year after uh since we've been separ okay they're separated for a year that's good news now he says he wants to change and can't see his life without me he doesn't want divorce and wants me back I don't love him anymore nor should you I would add I'm at a place of peace my pastor says here's where these pastors don't come in handy my pastor says that God doesn't want divorce and I understand but with everything I've gone through and how many times he said he would change and hasn't see she's been through this through this routine before I don't think I can go back to that abuse just thinking about it makes me have anxiety all over again it should my question is do I go with what the pastor says and give my husband a chance even if I don't love him I'm just so confused I just want to be loved and treated right I think 9 years of emotional and verbal abuse was plenty any advice would be greatly appreciated thank you okay many of you or and if not you people that you know are in this same situation should I should I give the narc another chance and by the way they are incredibly persuasive when the narc doesn't want to lose the marriage he has no intention of changing but he can act repentant like a worldclass actor okay here's my answer one you don't love the narc and you have every right to not love him God himself has shut your heart off God is protecting you two 9 years of emotional and verbal abuse is enough more than enough I don't care it's been 6 months 3 months 2 years 25 years it's enough three your pastor is wrong God does want divorce for certain marriages and yours is one of them why in the world would God a loving father want you to go back to a man who has abused you terrorized you traumatized you for nine stinking years the answer is God wouldn't want this God doesn't want you to put your heart at risk again to put your kids at risk again it would please your pastor to give the narc another chance it would not please God and that of course is the point the narc has already had nine years of chances and how many times as she says has the narc said oh I'll change honey in a few days a few weeks and then right back to being the narc enough four the anxiety The Dread you feel when you think about going back those are very telling your mind and heart are telling you don't go back uh a lot of ladies I talk to also have their body physically shut down and they'll tell me I can't all of a sudden I can I cannot have sex with this man and I say that's exactly what your body should be telling you and God is shutting you down of course not if you did go back to the narc and I'm talking to this lady and all of you who are thinking of giving the narc another chance if you do go back to the narc you're going to spend every day wondering when the norc will go back to hurting you and he's going to go back to hurting you five the NC's promises are just that promises he'll act repentant he'll act super sorry he might even cry he'll promise you everything he knows you've always wanted and needed it'll be a beautiful package with a bow on it he'll say I'll go to church I'll pray with you I'll talk to you all these things you've been desperate for for years that you got married for I'll help around the house I'll stop getting angry I'll stop all the porn I will never look at porn again lie ER he'll say he'll do all these things but he won't actually do any of them at least not for long what you're seeing now is fake repentance love bombing why hasn't he done any of these things for nine years because he's never going to do these things six you have two biblical reasons to divorce him adultery porn is adultery Matthew 199 chronic emotional abuse 1 Corinthians 7:15 and other places in scripture and there were no caveats no exceptions in these passages on divorce the Bible doesn't say you can divorce for adultery unless the adulterer is sorry uh-uh the Bible doesn't say you can divorce for chronic emotional abuse unless the abuser is sorry and the Bible doesn't say you can't divorce even if the sinner actually repents and changes now the narc isn't going to change I guarantee you that but even if he does you have a Biblical right to divorce him you never have to trust that man again he's broken the relationship ship and you can get out of it seven you don't wish bad things on the narc no if he does actually repent and change good for him you're wonderful but that won't affect you and your new life without him eight you will heal forgive the narc but you never have to trust him again let me tell you a little story you hire a Workman and he is in your home doing some remodeling seemed like a great guy when you hired him had all the right credentials maybe even a Christian he promised he'd do a great job you find out one day that the Workman stole a hundred bucks from your purse when you confront him he denies it when you say you have video of him taking the money he flies into a rage curses at you and storms out of your home on his way out he smashes one of your favorite lamps to bits a few weeks later the Workman calls you and apologizes profusely says he'll return the money and he will never steal again or curse at you or destroy your property he offers to pay for the lamp he asks to come back into your home so he can finish the remodeling job he wants you to rehire him what do you do well I'll tell you what you do if you have a brain in your head you will say no and hang up the phone and never talk to that dirt ball again right you would never let that man near your home again even if he actually has changed who cares the narc has done far far more damage to your home to your children and to you years of rage and damage don't let him near you again okay here are two re resources for you one if you're still living with the narc get my online video series from codependent to Independent 21 things you must do before leaving your narcissist small in this series will help you get strong enough and and get yourself back your personality your emotions your thinking processes back protect your relationship with your kids and get away from him and deal with the backlash that's coming cuz when you leave an arc it's going to be a living hell this series will get you strong enough to deal with it and get to Freedom two if you're separated or in the divorce process with an arc get my book escaping your narcissist it's a guide to divorcing an arc ins and outs what to do what not to do the whole miserable legal process very helpful resource many have purchased this and and I think it's really helped them both resources are on my website where all things Dave Clark are there David E Clark phd.com that's Clark with it

Channel: Dr. David Clarke

Views: 2,788

Keywords: narcissist, narcissistic personality disorder, narcissistic abuse, narcissism, npd, give the narcissist a second chance

Id: b-u0WKaSI1c

Length: 9min 9sec (549 seconds)

Published: Thu Feb 22 2024