Unmasking the Double Life of Narcissistic Abusers

the woman sat in my office and confessed the truth about her marriage Dr Clark it hurts so she said it hurts so badly because it's my husband doing these things to me I've given my life to him and my future we have children together I love him I've heard these words a lot from of course ladies I want desperately she said for my marriage to work and for us to be close of course that's the desire of every woman's heart he can be great at times she said loving caring generous even romantic but only at times unpredictably he'll switch and turn into the abusive person everyone outside our home loves him and thinks he's a wonderful person boy I've heard that a million times out there in the world he's loved loved at church loved in the neighborhood they don't see what I see she saids yeah you're not kidding they don't they don't know him as I know him it's the classic double life in your home different story that's why when you start telling people the truth if they're not close to you they'll think you're lying because that can't be true of Bob Bob's wonderful no he's not Bob's a monster so many times he'll start to change he'll be nicer this is her talking to me still he'll be nicer he'll do and say things that make me think maybe maybe he's changing but he always quits and goes back to his old abusive cruel self my hopes are crushed this is a cycle that goes over and over she says I want intimacy so badly but we've never really had it not on any consistent basis even in the good times and there aren't many were're not connected on a deep level his abuse kills any chance for real intimacy boy you're not kidding me she says I'm not just unhappy although I I am unhappy in this marriage of course it's worse than that I'm miserable and that's a good word to use miserable she says I'm in pain most of the time it's a special form of torture it's an awful way to live I have to admit that what I'm doing isn't working and she tried like many women every thing she could seeing the the pastor no help marriage counseling which is a waste of time no that didn't help help read this marriage book unless it's this book enough is enough you got the wrong book I'm just telling you if you got an abuser she says I don't know what to do but I have to do something different that's why I came to you and that's why God brings people to me I told her for the new approach and frankly the biblical approach I believe now before we talk about why you stay with this abusive person and why you should leave let's focus on the last part of my definition of abuse this is me talking to you and to this lady abuse is a pattern of n narcissistic disrespectful and harmful behavior and here's the key exhibited by one person in an intimate relationship that of course is your spouse your abuser is intentionally preventing any possibility of intimacy now let's look again at This Woman's story that I just shared and break it down to see how abusers Crush intimacy first he hurts you more than anyone else does abuse does the greatest damage in what began as a romantic loving relationship when you love someone and consider him to be the most important person in your life he can hurt you as no one else can because you desperately want your relationship to work and you are the only one trying to make it work You're vulnerable and wide open for hurt and he'll hurt you over and over and over again he'll get your hopes up and then just shaft you he knows exactly how to make you hurt and that's what he does and he knows he's doing it and you know what he enjoys doing it that's what abusers are like it's not that he doesn't know oh yeah he knows and he enjoys torturing you he's loving at times your abuser has his moments when he can be nice to you okay sure especially when he wants something from you he's having a good day or or he wants something specific from you some favor and when I say moments I mean moments he's not nice for long is he we find a description of real true genuine god- inspired love in 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8 this beautiful moving Bible passage describes the kind of love every woman in fact every human wants and needs the problem is your abuser exhibits behavior that is opposite of the qualities of Love In this passage listen to this I'm going to give the the biblical quality of love and then what your abuser is like 1 Corinthians 13 says love is patient well your abuser is impatient with you love is kind he's mean to you love is not jealous well he's jealous of your time and attention that's not voted to him exclusively love does not brag and is not arrogant he's prideful and Incredibly arrogant love does not act unbecomingly his behavior is Unbecoming all the time love does not seek its own he's always seeking his own interests love is not provoked he's provoked very easily doesn't take much to get him upset love does not take into account a wrongs suffered the abuser takes into account every wrong he thinks he suffered especially at your hands love does not rejoice in unrighteousness the Bible says in First Corinthians he enjoys making you suffer love rejoices with the truth he would know the truth of it slapped him in the face love bears all things he Bears Nothing everything upsets him love believes all things he believes only in himself love hopes all things he hopes only to get his needs met your needs don't even register love endures all things he endures nothing no tolerance love never fails his love fails all the time and of course others love him very very common typically your abuser is smart enough not to show his narcissism disrespect and harmful behavior in public it's important to him to look like an awesome person to others he doesn't care what you think of him he cares what others think of him big time what others think about him is much more important he's Charming he's charismatic he's caring in Social environments your church leaders your church friends your extended family and your friends and neighbors all think he's the greatest guy in the world your own family might think that until you tell him the truth he can be generous with his time his energy his money he won't do squat for you but he'll drop everything and run and help someone else this is the building contractor who who fixes everybody else's house and builds beautiful homes and won't fix the back door to your home and hasn't for 10 years The World At Large admires him behind closed doors in your home he's a very different person if he died today of a heart attack or a stroke the church wouldn't be able to hold the people because he's so loved when you're ready to begin telling others the truth about him many will not believe you they'll think you're lying crazy or both you'll be the complaining one the bad guy they'll believe him and his lies in the image he has projected that's why you choose your support team very carefully and then he'll start to change but then again I've mentioned this before he starts to make changes he'll say yeah I okay I I can do better here especially when he sensors you're really upset okay he may just but it's only a couple of days it's a couple of weeks and he goes right back to the old abusive guy and then of course anything he does for you becomes part of his narrative well I did this and I did that and I did the other I went to counseling I read that book you know I I tried this I I took her out in a DAT okay who cares you're not changing but he has a laundry list of all the great things he's done for you there is no real love and intimacy with an abuser zero he loves himself not you he wants to get his needs met he wants you to cook clean take care of the kids and give him sex if you don't mind he wants to stay in control and he wants to look good to others most of the time he's not thinking about divorce this is working out great for him but it's not because he loves you it's because divorce is losing divorce is expensive divorce will make him look bad and he doesn't want that it's not only unhappiness it's it's misery and abuse I've worked with unhappy marriages my entire career I still do uh but you know what this is much worse than that abuse is on a different level entirely what you're going through is much much worse than just an unhappy marriage I've written other books for those in an unhappy marriage I don't want a divorce being one of them this book is for a person this enough as enough book is for a person who is living with a chronic debilitating abuser abuse that is shredding you and your children to little pieces though not every tradeit I've covered may fit your abuser I'll bet my profile is pretty close to what you're dealing with in your relationship so have I convinced you that your man is an abuser that you are experiencing abuse if I have good if I haven't keep listening to these podcasts and I think you're going to get it it's a hard and painful truth but the sooner you believe it the sooner you can start the process of getting away from your you're abuser it's hard to admit I'm being abused who wants to admit that and once you admit it then you have to do something about it and Dr Clark can help you with that

Channel: Dr. David Clarke

Views: 6,622

Keywords: marriage counseling, intimacy issues, abusive relationships, domestic violence, unhealthy relationships, narcissistic behavior, double life, abuser behavior, toxic marriage, emotional abuse, relationship counseling, patterns of abuse, biblical approach to marriage, leaving an abuser, breaking the cycle, abuser's facade, emotional torture, seeking help, rebuilding trust, emotional trauma, relationship advice, intimate partner abuse, narcissistic abuse, toxic relationships

Id: YWIHHZa70pE

Length: 9min 8sec (548 seconds)

Published: Sat Jan 20 2024