Chronic Abuse is a Biblical Reason for Divorce

welcome back to the i don't want a divorce podcast are you ready for some controversial teaching on divorce well i hope so because that's what you're going to get in this podcast today now i don't think this is controversial i think it is solidly biblical i would never recommend anything i didn't think was taught in the word of god but there will be many who disagree and that's fine they have every right to be wrong that's okay and we invite uh comments and discussion from our podcast listeners and uh youtube channel subscribers that's fine as long as you're respectful uh we can we can have a dialogue and that's fine now before i dive into the deep end you can get my brand new book i didn't want a divorce now what uh on my website davideclarkphd.com it's brand new it's hot off the presses it's self-published and uh i think it's got a killer cover but the the content is really going to help those who are stuck in divorce recovery if you're about to go through a divorce just been through a divorce or it may have been years ago and you feel like you're stuck this book can help you on sale now and again these podcasts as you know most of you know are the ones i'm doing right now are based on the i didn't want a divorce book and all my resources for marriage is in crisis and and if your marriage is over and you didn't want the divorce all the resources are on my website davideclarkphd.com on today's edgy topic chronic abuse is a biblical reason for divorce i'm not just going to tell you that i'm going to show you why it's true now i have a confession to make right up front until recently my position was that there were only two biblical reasons for divorce unrepentant adultery as jesus teaches and abandonment by a non-christian spouse which paul teaches in first corinthians now i believe that i still do that a wife has a biblical right to physically separate from an abusive husband i wrote a book called enough is enough how to leave an abusive relationship with an escape plan for the abused spouse but i did not think that ongoing unrepentant physical and or emotional abuse was a biblical reason to divorce i do now now i do believe after careful study that the bible does teach that chronic abuse is a reason for divorce certainly for separation no question about that but now i believe it's one for divorce too i don't recommend divorce but you certainly are free to divorce if that's your situation god just has to release you from the marriage now i did not come to this conclusion easily or quickly it took me years it came after careful study of the bible consulting biblical scholars i trust and a lot of prayers seeking god's guidance because it's an important area the work that i do with couples and the sacredness of marriage i want to make sure it's accurate so on this podcast i present the biblical case for chronic abuse as the third reason for divorce now this is an outline and abbreviated summary to dive deeper i recommend strongly you read and study the pertinent scriptural passages i'm going to bring up and consult these sources first divorce is the book divorce and remarriage in the church by david in stone brewer university press also another book by uh dr in stone brewer and that is divorce and remarriage in the bible erdmann's publishing company number three and here's a critical one it's a man i really respect dr wayne grudem is a brilliant theologian solid man of god and he wrote actually he made a presentation at a conference and it's entitled grounds for divorce why i now believe there are more than two an argument for including abuse in the phrase in such cases in first corinthians 7 15 a presentation by dr wayne grudem on november 21st 2019 at the meeting of the evangelical theological society i didn't go to that conference i'm not a theologian but you can go to wayne grudem.com that's g-r-e-d-e-g-u-r-d-e-m waynegrudom.com and find that article finally i i really like this it's a little pamphlet god's protection of women when abuse is worse than divorced by herb van der lucht that's l-u-g-t this is a book a booklet published by rbc ministries who i've always loved and respected www.rbc.org it's an excellent summary of abuse as a biblical reason for divorce and they don't come any more conservative and godly than rbc ministries now here's the progressive line of biblical evidence for chronic abuse as a reason for divorce we begin with abigail and nabel in first samuel 25. abigail was married to a vicious narcissistic abuser named nabal let me read first samuel 25 verses 3 and no just three that's what the bible says about nabal his name was nabal and his wife a beautiful and very intelligent woman oh it's very nice to talk about her to show the contrast a beautiful and very intelligent woman was named abigail but the man who was a descendant of caleb was uncouth churlish stubborn and ill-mannered i love that word churlish you don't hear that much anymore it means rude and mean-spirited this guy was selfish and he was mean as a snake you can you can read through the passage if you're a christian psychologist like i am it screams narcissist no question when nabal's sinful behavior put abigail and her household at risk he was abusive she took decisive action without consulting nabel as a wife at that time and in that culture she put her own life at risk in following her secret plan you know what back in those days as a wife you had no rights wives did other than what god gave you and god makes it clear he loves wives they're equal in every way to a husband and he protected wives who were in situations like this but wives did not disobey their husbands in that culture they did so at the risk of their lives literally god wanted abigail out of this abusive marriage and he got her out god ended up killing nabal to protect abigail and end the marriage though abigail shattered the legal and cultural roles for a wife when she defied nabel god blessed her actions god saved abigail and her household and gave her to david as his wife now if you're in a situation with an abusive husband or abusive wife and it's chronic it's gone on for years you are gonna have to break the cultural the christian cultural standards in filing divorce you're gonna face a lot of heat but you know what if god releases you and you're chronically abused you have every right to file exodus 21 7-11 moses stated three reasons for divorce in these verses if a husband did not provide food clothing or physical intimacy to his wife he was compelled to give her a certificate of divorce he was made to this legal divorce protected her from an abusive husband if you're holding back food at clothing and physical intimacy you're a you're an abuser she was free of the marriage and could remarry that's in the old testament deuteronomy 21 10-14 if a husband became dissatisfied with his wife he was not allowed to mistreat her he had to give her again a certificate of divorce because he was chronically abusive again this law protected a wife from a hard-hearted abusive husband you see the pattern god himself protecting women in this situation protection from an abusive husband by divorce malachi 2 verses 13 through 60 which i read in a previous podcast god was furious with selfish immoral husbands who abuse their wives by divorcing them because the husbands preferred foreign wives well this is happening today too i prefer somebody else to you i'm having an affair i'm divorcing you that's abuse or or i'm not divorcing you you may that dirt may force you to divorce him you can do so god was so angry he refused to receive the offering of these sinful husbands serious business clearly god was on the side of the abused wives matthew 19 verses 1-9 in this passage jesus mentioned only adultery as a reason for divorce he was not teaching that this was the only reason for divorce like some people say no jesus did not contradict the old testament reasons for divorce denial of food clothing or physical intimacy or paul's teaching that abandonment is a reason for divorce first corinthians 7 3-5 and 32-34 paul implies that he agrees with the three reasons for divorce stated in exodus 21 these old testament reasons are without question abusive behaviors now the real key here and dr grudem has pointed this out first corinthians 7 15 this verse is the key new testament passage that supports chronic abuse as a reason for divorce it's always been seen as only teaching that you can you can divorce a non-christian spouse who abandoned you now that's certainly in the passage that's true but also we can make a case for chronic abuse here's what the verse says first corinthians 7 15 but if the unbeliever leaves let him do so a believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances god has called us to live in peace now that phrase in such circumstances refers to other painful relationship conditions not just abandonment see that we're broadening paul is broadening the meaning of for what you can divorce a person for one of these circumstances is abuse the phrase is not bound means you don't have to be tied to a spouse who has destroyed the marriage an abusive spouse has destroyed the marriage every bit as much as a non-christian spouse who has abandoned his partner what paul is saying is that staying married to a non-christian spouse who wants a divorce would condemn you to ongoing abusive treatment obviously in the same way staying married to an abuser who doesn't want a divorce would condemn you to never ending abuse very few abusive spouses in my experience will ever file for divorce they think everything's fine they don't want to they don't wanna get a divorce they don't understand intimacy they don't love you they'll keep abusing you until there's nothing left to you nothing left to the kids nothing left to the marriage and they won't file forcing you to file god wants you to live in peace that's what the verse says you certainly can't do that one with an abuser and very often and you know this is true especially you ladies and men that have lived with an abusive spouse others in the christian community that the very ones that tell you you can't file for the views that's not a reason they have they don't live with an abusive spouse they don't know what they're talking about they have no clue you do you're being destroyed would god want that no so paul teaches that abandonment by a non-christian spouse and other similarly destructive circumstances such as abuse are grounds for divorce god is listen to me god is good with you ending an abuse of marriage because he wants you to stop suffering and live in peace and i'm telling you he's also concerned about your children he knows more than anyone else what you are suffering he is fine with you getting out of this kind of marriage abusive husbands rarely change in 35 years i think i've had two abusive husbands after their wife left them make the changes come to jesus and and prove over a year's time that they're different two in 35 years doesn't happen god hates divorce and abuse now god hates that you had to get divorced of course he does he knows you didn't want a divorce he also hates abuse and the pain and suffering you experienced in your marriage and he's furious with your spouse what malachi says he loves you dearly and he did not want you to continue to be abused what these other people are saying that won't allow you to divorce for this reason is you know what god doesn't care about you you continuing to live in absolute pain and misery that's not true there is a way out and again this doesn't come after the first couple of days of abuse it comes after years of taking it and tolerating it and trying to create change enough is enough that's why i wrote my book enough is enough how to leave an abusive relationship the bible both the old and new testament supports your decision to divorce your abusive spouse it absolutely does you didn't have to wait for god to kill your neighbor sometimes he'll do that just as abigail acted decisively when she had had enough abuse you acted to end your abuse god is fine with your action to divorce believe me he is as i said before just like abigail and this is the one of the problems with the christian community the way it is now anyway if you have the nerve you've got a chronically abusive spouse if you have the nerve to file people are going to give you a hard time they're going to blame you and that's disgraceful on their part so just like abigail you're going to have to face that now to reinforce the truth that you made the correct decision and to further erode your false guilt because it's still there i know it is i have more to say about your nightmare of a marriage and its aftermath in my next podcast we're going to nail this down and get rid of your full skill i want to make sure you don't feel any more false guilt for divorcing your abusive spouse now a quick reminder if you'll leave a rating and a review on apple podcasts if you're finding these these podcasts helpful help us out by doing that and share these podcasts on your social media and with those you think could benefit from them you

Channel: Dr. David Clarke

Views: 21,680

Keywords: Dr David Clarke, David Clark, Dr Clarke, David Clarke Marriage Counselor, marriage counselor david clarke, marriage therapist, marriage counseling, divorce, marriage help, marriage advice, marriage tips, biblical reason for divorce, focus on the family

Id: Wclvy6uSXc0

Length: 14min 19sec (859 seconds)

Published: Tue Mar 30 2021