How to tell if you're in an abusive relationship? | Signs of an abusive relationship | Ask Dr Clarke

if you're married to an abuser you need to know it and you need to know what to do about it that's my topic today before i launch into today's ask dr clark video i want you to know that if you're in a marital crisis i've got a plan of action for you i don't care what the crisis is i've seen them all in 35 years of clinical work clinical practice here in tampa bay so whatever the crisis is i've got a plan go to my website davideclarkphd.com that's clark with an e and you'll find all my resources there you can even talk to me through phone advice about your crisis i guarantee there'll be a book i've written that will directly address your crisis davideclarkphd.com now today's question i'm married to a man who treats me badly he's treated me badly for years that's the first point years he blames me for our marriage problems strike two nothing i do pleases him strike three my family and close friends tell me he's abusive if there's a strike four that's it but i'm not sure and this is a good question i get a lot of these questions from ladies especially how can i be certain he's abusive she wants to be very sure because you hear a lot about abuse these days you want to be very sure that in fact your spouse is abusive and many ladies especially don't want to face this denial is very thick we're going to cut through that today i'm going to read a portion of the introduction to my book enough is enough how to leave an abusive relationship and this will make it very clear after this video you're gonna know with a hundred percent uncertainty if you're married to an abuser or not from early on in your relationship your partner has been abusing you the person who is supposed to love you and take care of you has been treating you in one or more of these abusive ways i'm going to go through a number of categories here any one of these if that's the only category your abuser is operating in is enough to call him abusive but typically they're in more than one category i verbally abuse you i'm highly critical of you especially when you don't meet my expectations and you rarely meet my expectations i mock you and belittle you for your shortcomings i attack you personally for your weight your parenting your housekeeping and any area in which you and your actions are unacceptable to me sarcasm is my second language now this is an occasional criticism this is all the time i neglect your needs the truth is i'm aware of my needs only if you would meet my needs then i would meet yours too bad you never fully meet my needs so you're on your own it is all about me and don't forget it this is a streak of narcissism that is really in most abusive men i refuse to communicate i don't like to feel vulnerable so i don't share my feelings or talk on a personal level and i never will feel free to share your feelings and thoughts with me though i won't be listening if you rattle on too long or press me to open up and talk i'll end the conversation by snapping at you or walking away this is done over and over for months for years for decades i give you the silent treatment abusers love the silent treatment when you do or say something that upsets me i shut down and ignore you i also use this technique every time you have the nerve to tell me about a hurt that i caused you i can stay silent for days and weeks even months i'm punishing you and teaching you to never upset me i stay too close to my family my mommy and daddy and siblings mean the world to me they are much more important than you are on my priority list i don't set boundaries for them i do whatever it takes to please them i listen to and follow their advice without consulting you i allow them to mistreat you and i do nothing to stop it i hear my office all the time and even on phone advice sessions people will say well this is part of my culture being this close to my family and having having them over and going to their house and really they're more important than my spouse it's a cultural thing i don't care about your culture god's culture is the one that counts and in god's culture the spouse is number one i control you control is almost almost always a part of abuse i control every area of your life your contact with your family your friends where you go and who you spend time with your activities how much of my money and it's all my money even if you make more of it than i do you can spend and what you spend it on your clothes the church we attend how you parent since i'm a lot smarter than you are this control makes sense if you resist you're not being submissive i'm financially irresponsible there's a lot of damage done in the financial area by abuse of men and women for that matter i spend too much money i make bad investments i don't pay our taxes on time i'm very secretive about money and i lie about how i use it you don't know this but i'm not saving any money for our retirement and if i am you don't know how much i'm a lazy slacker i don't like to work so i avoid it as much as i can i go from job to job and have long stretches of unemployment for some reason i can't seem to get along with management i want you to have a career and shoulder the financial burden for our family okay if you work one day you'll see i may get a steady job and help support you and the kids but then again probably not this financial irresponsibility and lazy slacker-ness just devastates a woman and you have a burden that was never yours to bear i have anger outburst you have a man that has an anger issue that's abusive listen to this my tolerance for frustration is quite low and often unpredictably i blow up if i'm having a bad day you're gonna have a bad day i take my stress out on you i raise my voice i use profanity i throw things and i do property damage and again this is on a pretty regular basis i am violent violence is not always a part of abuse but it certainly can be and i'm telling you right now one time of a man putting his hands on you in anything but a loving way is abusive and you got to deal with it because if you don't it'll happen again it's never just one time it'll happen again under i am violent when i get angry i have to hit someone since you are the one who usually gets me angry i hit you i slap you i punch you i choke you i pin you down and whatever else i feel like doing in my rage i might block you i might not touch you but i'll block you in the room and prevent you from leaving that's violence the best part is it's your fault just don't provoke me and i won't hit you i'm a workaholic i love my career more than i love you it gets the best part of me every day my time my attention and my passion i work way too many hours i tell you it's for you and the kids it's actually just for me i am an alcoholic i love to drink and i'm not going to stop drinking it makes me feel good and helps me escape the stresses of life i hide my drinking and i lie about it my drinking ruins just about every party a vacation and special occasion and a lot of days and weekends in between well it ruins those days for you i'm fine with it i am a drug addict even though i'm an adult i still smoke pot i may also use other illegal drugs they give me a rush if i don't use illegal drugs i am addicted to prescription drugs i'll do the occasional rehab but i'm not stopping i have sexual issues seeing more and more of this in my practice i need sex a lot of sex so i pressure you for it all the time i don't want or need an emotional or spiritual connection with you that's that's a waste of time i just want sex or i'm on the opposite side of sexual desire and refuse to be physically intimate with you you beg and plead and cry but i reject you chances are i'm looking at pornography and i don't even need you i am a sexual sinner here's where we get into more of the specific sexual sin i like porn and i watch it whenever i can it's so easy to access and it's not hurting anyone oh except for you and i don't care about you i have emotional affairs with co-workers neighbors and facebook friends i may also have had physical affairs hey i have sexual needs and since you won't meet them what choice do i have and here's one of the keys i blame you for everything final category here it's never my fault it's always your fault whenever there's tension or conflict in our relationship it's your fault whenever i'm upset and i'm upset a lot it's your fault i blame others too but eventually i'll get around to blaming you does any of this sound familiar if it does you're married to an abusive spouse and the only way to protect yourself and protect your kids and protect your relationship with your kids because i'm telling you the abuser turning them against you even as i speak and the only way to maybe shake up your abusive spouse getting to repent and change is by leaving him this book enough is enough will help you step by step leave your abuser and that's what you have to do if you stay you're going to keep being abused until there's nothing left of you nothing left of your kids nothing left of your marriage emotionally spiritually physically you break down so i recommend you get the book enough is enough follow those steps now if your abusive spouse wants to change spend six to eight months in individual therapy and a group process and grow in the lord and absolutely turn his whole life around and win you back that's great that's what we want but that's only going to start to happen when you are out you and the kids are out and you're safe

Channel: Dr. David Clarke

Views: 18,816

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Id: wmSZHeisZ3c

Length: 9min 41sec (581 seconds)

Published: Mon Jul 27 2020