The Mummy Returns - Nostalgia Critic

this episode brought to you by stamps.com why go to the store to get stamps when you can have them printed right at home for your convenience [Music] hi producer whose name the audience will forget if we said it hey rock you excited to be in your first movie hey hey it's dwayne johnson now if i'm gonna be starring in movies i should be using my real name shouldn't i well there's been some changes changes yes you're no longer the star of the movie the studio thinks that britain fraser is gonna have longer lasting power than a guy called the rock oh so i'm a supporting role yeah and if it goes well they'll give you your own movie afterwards well that's hollywood isn't it i've come this far i could wait a little longer wonderful we'll have the script for you soon [Music] yeah hey another change you've gone from being supporting role to just being in the opening and ending really yeah they think rachel wise and this new child actor are gonna be a lot bigger than you alright well just keep me posted when you get the lines will do hello so you don't really have any lines you just sort of frown after losing a battle can you do that are you doing it yes i'm doing it wonderful this is going to be your big breakout role so you're being replaced with the cg puppet at the end why you remember marta from arrested development no it doesn't exist yet well she's in the movie and they think she's gonna be a bigger star than you sweet jesus so if you can get those effects done by friday that'd be perfect wait you want me to do the effects for the movie yeah they figure if your lazy ass wasn't gonna star in it you might as well make yourself useful i've never done cg animation in my life come on you have a 98 million dollar budget behind you how bad could it and now number two on the worst cg effects of all time the rock from the mummy returns i did my [Music] best [Music] [Applause] [Music] hello i'm the nostalgia critic i remember it so you don't have to it's funny when the 1999 version of the mummy came out a lot of people were surprisingly saying they preferred this fun expensive b-movie to the incredibly anticipated star wars the phantom menace so i guess it's fitting that their follow-up should be the equivalent of ryze skywalker now let me clarify something like star wars had a lot more to let down it is goofy too but it had a lot of spiritual philosophical and mythological elements the mummy films from day one knew they were mindless fluff and most everybody was okay with that but like ryza skywalker had abandoned any sense of pacing and character and replaced it with constant action and exposition so when you're supposed to feel for a character it honestly comes across as more humorous in fact a lot of this movie is pretty dull when you're sitting through it because it gives you so little to care about but when you actually look at the structure how much it throws at you and why characters do what they do it's pretty hilarious it's kind of like krampus that way sitting through it is a little dull but remembering it is surprisingly more fun it is growing on me just for how bad it is but what's the point in yapping about how ridiculous it is what i can just show you let's go back to 2001 when joe dirt ruled the earth this is the mummy returns the film opens with the scorpion king played by dwight johnson in his first movie which may explain why he's still acting like he's in an snl sketch but give him room to grow leaving an army to conquer the known world okay egyptian fighting is fake yo all right clearly they have this battle won or not the scorpion king and his army were defeated that's not the impression you were giving literally a second ago even rock has a look like what we couldn't even show that how are they cutting corners on an amazing budget of a little more than the last one one by one they slowly perished under the scorching sun oh waiter check please if anubis and let him conquer his enemies he will give him his soul you know if every god granted that every time it was asked a lot of people would have conquered the earth the known world was then ruled by steve jacob jacob's little sister molly even molly's cat offered his soul i'm god like i said not a ton more money for these effects clearly they put the rest of the budget towards hey no peeking anubis forced the scorpion king to serve him we'd love to know what direction was given on that take alright you're doing the hokey pokey as tapia from fiddler having a stroke being electrocuted by eels tell me this director wouldn't put it that way hi nobody told me we stopped shooting so i just stayed on set for three years brendan fraser returns that's rick o'connell and he's accompanied by ah yes adding a kid in a sequel is always the sign of great possibilities okay not every kid added in a series is bad but unless you give them something unique to work with it's usually not a good sign and literally the first few lines this kid says establishes no character he just explains exposition but i saw your tattoo on a rule by the entrance there's a cartouche just like it it's not dialogue they're saying it's verbal dotted lines on a treasure map just listen to evelyn play it again by rachel weiss vice lights you'll disagree in the comments either way just listen to what one of our first lines are ever since i had that dream this place is all i can think about ever since you've had that dream i haven't oh sorry you walked in 10 minutes late let me explain what the dream is wait no you did that's the first we're introduced to that but there's not even time to explain this as other people break in and try to stop them drink from the nile oh that doesn't sound too bad remember when finding a lost city was kind of exciting remember when little hints were introduced before you saw the big stuff remember when meeting people meant actually getting to know them now you just start off in the mysterious city the big stuff is given to you right away if you don't know what that character is like we're not gonna tell you it's like the film is punishing you for missing scenes that aren't in the movie even a flood gets no reaction indiana jones has seen the craziest [ __ ] but he still reacts when a tsunami's coming at him these two are like well if there's not a face on it we don't care mom dads i can explain everything that's so what generic boy number 215 would say anyway it's not like we need more explaining as we cut to other ruins where two new characters introduce themselves in a way only their unique identities could provide just kidding it's more exposition the book of the dead gives life and the book of the living takes life away does steven summers watch driving teachers like wow look how they instructed to do things streetcar named desire has nothing on this depth get out of my way or i'm gonna shoot you in a face it looks like the man who tried to kill rick and evelyn show up at the dig we need that bracelet that means he's dumb it's more than i know about anyone else they dig up emote but they need a bracelet that rick and evelyn discovered in order for them to continue their quest the lost oasis of amshare evie i know what you're thinking and the answer is no i'm not indiana jones no matter how hard nobody wishes it okay at least we can see them work some of the charm they had in the last movie have you not been watching mort's position man the last known expedition to actually reach um share was sent by a ramesses hey what's that kid supposed to be like again who cares things things things you and alex are the only thing that matter to me best parents of the year or best of all time ah great the one character i love to know less about is in this oh what am i worried about there's so many plot threats in this they've only been allowing time to be annoying yep called it what are you doing here skipping an episode of lost for this [ __ ] i think not it looks like ardith joins the battle once again doing an awful job stopping things from getting worse he was there when emo temp was dug up that would have been a good time to do something and they fight them all off evelyn discovers though she suddenly has some new fighting moves i have no idea sure didn't help me in the last film or now angle my only reason for existing is to be kidnapped you got the wrong person bad guys are here evie's been kidnapped let me guess they once again removed the creature from his grave i don't mean to point fingers but isn't it your job to make sure that doesn't happen he explains how these people are raising emotep to take out the scorpion king because whoever takes him out can rule the world you have the sacred mark that mark means you're a protector of man a warrior for god a magi can we cut it from this movie and miss nothing yes why is it in this because ooh big movie will there be more pointless [ __ ] like this all of this is pointless [ __ ] you know a couple of years ago this would have seemed really strange to me agreed we did a good job killing the wow in these films emote is resurrected and is immediately drawn to the reincarnation of his love named mila look she even brought british food i'll put you in your grave again burn her we put that one together god we almost went a whole minute without any action sorry about that audience hopefully somebody explained some [ __ ] to you while we weren't fighting emotive resurrects more mummies in the most goofy way imaginable i think marvin the martian adding water had more dignity and they of course chase them down oh i hate mummies i'm hoping to turn that into a garfield shirt in the future copyright ricochle he tries using three stooges moves on them because nothing matters and they eventually fight them off all right this was my first bus ride ah personality rick and evelyn once again completely ignore their son i mean the shot is just awkward allowing him to be kidnapped [Music] alex i think pretty sure it begins 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nostalgia you get special offer that includes a four-week free trial plus free postage and a digital scale no long-term commitments or contracts just go to stamps.com click on the microphone at the top of the home page and type in nostalgia that's stamps.com click on the microphone at the top of the home page and type in nostalgia stamp stack i'll never go to the post office again no really where am i [Music] like our videos subscribe to be notified about them want to actually be notified about them click on that bell as well also don't forget to check us out on twitch playing some games telling some jokes and overall having a good time hope to see you there [Applause] samila explains to imotep about how he was brought back to destroy the scorpion king and that in order to defeat him he'll need a special scepter so we're at the 50-minute mark and just to give you an idea in the first film at the 50-minute mark we were given the backstory introduced to our characters told about a lost city of riches and they travel to it here we're given the backstory introduced ish to our characters are told about a lost city told about a past life told about a marked hand fight off scavengers fight off a cult discover a map watch evelyn get kidnapped resurrect emotep resurrect his guards fight off the guards rescue evelyn resulting in the sun being kidnapped and we're not even halfway through the movie yes less happened in the first one but they allowed the characters to react to what was happening despite being the bare bone minimum in terms of development they still met that bare bone minimum this is just that old fireball island game it looks cool but it's just rules being explained in board pieces being moved around to get to a goal granted a ton of great cinema has come from board games but unless your clue that's not something you want to mimic oh you want even more pointless [ __ ] how about this the bracelet with the map is stuck to the boy and unless he gets to the location in a few days it'll kill him again you could totally cut this and not miss a damn thing but for some reason it's in the film my dad is going to kick your ass that line got a big laugh in the theater i hated my audience i'm pretty sure they hated me evotep glides in on puppet strings to suck the life out of the scavengers i will admit this part's pretty badass and we cut to rick and evelyn trying to get a ride from an old friend honey you're not a subtle man we don't have time for subtle summers was thinking of legally changing that to his new name he eventually agrees and they travel via balloon which they say is a terrible idea because it's not made for battle the pilot disagrees though and eventually discovers it's not made for battle i want him back rick i want him in my arms i know i'm remembering all the times we pretended he didn't exist as well oh and for whatever reason i'm not entirely sure why rachel weiss is awful in the rest of this i don't know if the fatigue of just saying [ __ ] they have to do finally got to her but from this point on she completely gives up i want him back rick alex left us his tie no no they're memories from my previous life make me proud it's the temple island of fellai they've gone to philippi exactly i was as protector i haven't worked for a year to defeat the military creation act to not be here when it's fate is decided i guess to her credit they wrote her better than what do kids say in kids things have the kids say that no no no i heard a child say those words and everything ever written he has an identity now no can't go when someone's watching i trust you look good to know the ghost of playing with fire was haunting screenplays before it even existed the kid escapes just to be recaptured exactly 40 seconds later do higher budgets mean less editors and i guess we're finally shown what's going on with evelyn's dreams okay so this is where we get that lucas rowling stuff where a series tries to act like an out of nowhere plot thread that makes no sense was always planned from the beginning we see evelyn who looks as egyptian as jeffrey rush is actually the reincarnation of the pharaoh's daughter the sister of imotep's lover i know you're thinking we'll see some interesting development between them but have you watched a frame of this it's just more fighting take that patriarchy but here's what i love about this in the first film imotep sees evelyn as his long-lost love despite looking nothing like her now you could say he hadn't seen a woman in years so he got confused or even he just pegged the first hot woman he saw and said close enough i'm gonna reincarnate her anyway but now with this film after he reincarnates his love to her physical form giving herself the heimlich how do you tell her oh by the way i totally have the hots for your sister when you were dead yeah i looked her up and down i was totally obsessed i was even going to bring you back in her how would you like that being reincarnated in the person responsible for your death that would have been fun looking in the mirror every day speaking of which what was mila's plan yes i'll have pimo ted take over the world and have my soul completely erased from my body i'm sorry what's in this from me again the only thing i believe in this movie is that you're sisters because you're both dumb as rocks jesus evelyn can't you even stand without me having to save you as the journey continues the boy i guess leaves clues to let them know where they're going next that i don't think a professional butter sculptor could carve better emote catches on to the clues being left behind and let's see would i do a sand face in the last one okay let's water it down how are these effects getting worse in these movies this looks like an extreme 90s ad from mouthwash tired of plaque buildup in those hard to reach places listerine can wash it all away our heroes run out of gas and the wave completely crushes them well it'll be interesting to see how they get out of this i'm gonna go get my son then we're gonna want to get out of here fast so make this work izzy yeah you're right it would have been boring everything else you've shown in this is moving on evelyn is taught how to use a gun and the crew come across mummy gremlins imotep seems to be in control of them yet they still wipe out all his men you figure that one out but i will admit these things can be a little funny i like how they run on top of drowning people i like how a man screaming frightens them even though it doesn't make any sense they've seen a ton of people scream and this moment with the stick of dynamite is hands down the funniest in the movie [Applause] i don't even care if they throw in the strange love homage that doesn't make a whole lot of sense i'm still riding the high of this scene play one more time that's the real treasure of the movie i missed you so much shut the hell up more exposition told me the bracelet will kill me if i don't get inside the pyramid before the sun hits it oh my god even she's like does this movie need ritalin what five-year-old on espresso ice cream wrote this that's it slowing you down why is every child and woman that is completely useless they make it to the temple in time again have no idea why that was written in but the bad guys catch up and kill evelyn or gauging her reaction just called her fat she's going to be alive it's getting taken don't worry we'll recast her i'm pretty sure she lives in this one we'll still recast her so i'm not gonna lie the mix of his overacting her under acting and the melodramatic music despite all the advertising clearly showing she has more scenes makes this dramatic moment unintentionally hilarious who's alex oh right that thing we never look after a lot means death right oh sorry i'm sorry i don't know if this was like someone's mufasa death or something like that i apologize just this is really funny to me i don't even get it she goes back and forth saying oh i have special badass powers from agent royalty yet half the time she's taken out like a house of cards made of tracing paper it doesn't add up critic you simply don't understand reincarnation oh and you do tamara yes i excuse me i have to go take care of something sorry about that someone tried to break in but what's with the oh i'm the reincarnation of lagerth the viking warrior yeah so i know about combat training and sword fights and history channels hit me up a few times wait what's up with your hands oh he woke back up and overpowered me what about the combat training and the well that's not my arc critic my next-door neighbor is on an emotional journey and needs to prove himself by saving me unhunter you swine oh well when do you prove yourself preferably when it's hot [Music] oh a lady assassin clearly with an exotic backstory that should do need a helper no critic when it's hot we're suddenly invincible women's stunt work is more complex imotep enters the temple and okay this is meant to be awful right not just corny or over the top i mean this is battlefield pyramid right it looks like his powers are taken away while rick begins comforting his son who just lost his mother by abandoning him again the real treasure is the people we leave behind along the way did they say no to any effects in this apparently not as an army of jackals rise in the army of and we kind of want to stop the apocalypse are there to face them a day may come when we fight an enemy that actually looks like they're in front of us but it is not this day this day we're in a mummy's alive cartoon meanwhile rick faces off with emo tap who kicked him back on his feet that was pretty stupid but again to the film's credit it is kind of cool seeing these two duke it out i mean in the last one it was all about rick fighting the powers of the mummy here it's one-on-one combat and it is a little badass while that's going on evelyn is brought back to life by believing in fairies like it even matters and she of course faces off against mila but mom no spot salad come on i'll be just fine lady you have done everything possible to prove you will never be fine i trust princess peach with a sign reading dragons do it for me over you eventually the scorpion king is revealed and we see it an effect which will live in infinity i think everyone has talked about how terrible these effects are and what else can i add but good god they still look awful just to give you an idea how bad this was lord of the rings was released the same year so if you're asking me were these good effects at the time no they are as embarrassing then as they are now it just doesn't make sense why they wouldn't put the real rock in there like you could cg the scorpion half it looked like [ __ ] but we're used to that in this movie we want to see the rock in his first film and instead we get the video game version of himself the only difference he actually does his own voice in the video game that sounded like patty and selma if they talked in unison like a lot of this movie it's so bad it's hugely funny can you smell what the fx artists are [ __ ] rick realizes something something chosen one again you don't miss a thing if i don't tell you and he uses the golden scepter to finally kill him leading to another not meant to be funny but so goddamn funny reaction i know there's people that like legit like this film if you do it that's fine but how can you not cry laugh at some of these moments it's like a super flamboyant dancer introducing a song number the star pian king you look like ass but i do ya go hell and take your friends with you i do like that the finishing one-liner has more of a purpose than just being a finishing one-liner as the scorpion king has to do whatever he's told after he's defeated so he drags all his armies back to hell god how many cg faces can you put on things hey sombers what's your idea for mummy five uh a lamp with a face oh out of here just get out of here well you have saved her more times than the fuller house cast has teeth i think she owes you at least one i see now the true monster was a lack of commitment speaking of which most of us won't be back for the third one we ramp on even more amazing effects i never thought i'd say this but i missed the dignity of indiana jones looking at a ufo and they make it out okay i thought i almost lost you there would you like to know what heaven looks like you weren't in it the family is reunited which once again means keeping the sun away as far as frigging possible and they all live half a keyed ever after and that was the mummy returns i know it has its fans and if i'm in the right mood i kinda can be i mean look it's awful no put the camera back on me it's awful but sometimes it's so bad it can be enjoyable if it had more character or christ any character i would probably get more into it despite it being so idiotic but because it is nothing but action and exposition every single second it does get tiring i think that shows with the reception i mean it did technically make more money than the first one but not a ton more people did seem to like it but not as much as the first and some of these scenes are talked about for how bad they are even to this day had i seen this as a kid maybe i would enjoy it more i mean it does have a lot more monsters and energy which a lot of kids do like but without even the bare minimum of character it's just a stunt show where half the stuns are bad cgi but what do you think am i being too much of a sour puss and not having fun with a mindless movie or is there too little mind for even a mindless movie to give leeway let me know in the comments if you think this film is a corny classic or the first render of a bad video game i'm the nostalgia critic i remember it so you don't have to come back hey doug walker here doing the charity shout out no lasik hasn't failed me uh this is apparently to help your eyes from like blue light that comes from the screen because my eyes have been hurting a little bit from uh working so much so lasik hasn't failed me and that's what these dents are from that's why i brought it up and left them on there because they'll be like what's he wearing glasses again that's the reason and it has nothing to do with today's charity so forget i said i guess uh no this uh charity once again uh came from a recommendation from uh one of the fans thank you so much everybody for uh the recommendations it's very very kind we got a ton of them so just thank you so much and uh don't slow down okay keep recommending them uh because like i said there's so many good ones out there and the one this week is brain chemistry labs uh they seek to discover new treatments for brain diseases by studying proven patterns of wellness and disease their focus is to discover new treatments for serious illnesses this focus has led to the discovery of two promising new drugs for als alzheimer's uh parkinson's and other diseases they even have a third drug in development as well so each step along the way has brought them closer to a cure they also have a four-star rating on charity navigator this is really a wonderful charity to check out and they're doing amazing work so please check them out see the cool stuff that they do and once again if you have a charity that you think is really wonderful and could use more attention feel free to uh let us know because as you well know there's so many good people out there and so many good organizations and they deserve as much attention as possible so thank you so much you

Channel: Channel Awesome

Views: 640,558

Keywords: channel awesome, nostalgia critic, the mummy returns, the mummy returns review, movie, film, the mummy, the mummy movies, mummy movies, review, mummy returns review, movie reviews, film review, doug walker, the rock, the mummy franchise, the mummy sequel, worst cg movies, bad cgi, nostalgic, bad sequels, worst cgi movies, brendan fraser, Rachel Weisz, Dwayne Johnson, the best dwayne johnson movies, best brendan fraser movies, the mummy review, tamara chambers, malcolm ray

Id: MDLyTZYJgUw

Length: 31min 44sec (1904 seconds)

Published: Wed Jan 27 2021