The Mummy (2017) - Nostalgia Critic

[Music] work do your plumbing [Music] hello I'm the Nostalgia Critic I remember it so you don't have to and do I really have to we have to this is the mummy with Tom Cruise this was supposed to be the big start to what else a cinematic universe one universal one to create with its classic monster movies because everything has to be a goddamn universe now Christ I'm surprised the Teletubbies don't have a Cinematic Universe don't give them ideas oh [ __ ] that the film bombed throwing their future dark universe films into question I really wanted to talk about this movie because in some respect this comes full circle what okay it's a very shittily drawn circle but it's still a circle did you just make up the word shittily my point is Universal invented the shared universe concept in the 40s crossovers versus Team ups all these were originally done with the classic Universal Monsters Marvel and everybody else is technically copying what they started somewhere down the line that fad faded but as films like Freddy vs. Jason civil war and Batman vs. Superman became popular suddenly Universal wanted to jump back onboard so now ironically Universal is copying Marvel and all these other films forgetting that Universal was the one that came up with this idea to begin with and that's all this movie is a copy a copy of every overused cliché and current cinematic universe is trying to set up the next five movies rather than focusing on making one good one I actually wanted to see this movie succeed because I want the Universal Monsters to continue in some way they're not as popular nowadays as they should be so it's important to bring them back in the public minds it's like Batman or James Bond we all have our favorite actors who played the roles but we still accept different versions and the best ones can create new timeless interpretations does this film do that I think you know the I know the answer let's dive into the dark universes mummy look at this they're already declaring it the dark universe who we're so excited there's gonna be more of something that we don't even know if we like yet followed by a quote because they just want a quote yeah they always do that to make films seem more important hey how about this for a more fitting quote it opens with medieval knights oh god its transformers v killer with underperforming ticket sales too late wait now we're in present-day England does this film even know what film it is well we got a show Russell Crowe is in this movie just to cut immediately away from him oh now we're in Egypt thank God I almost forgot this was a mummy movie the story hasn't even been set up yeah and there's already two scenes you can cut to someone pasted over a draft of a script without a racing part of the other trapped princess ominous beautiful cunning and ruthless The Mummy this time is not in hotep but rather a princess ah Manette which is a welcome change before all we had was the Bride of Frankenstein and maybe Dracula's daughter it was kind of a sausage fest you know in most incarnations of the story there's usually a mummy princess this is just putting the mummy princess in the spotlight making her the main monster she has her own unique style and would look cool in a lineup of other monsters so this is not a bad starting point the problem is everything else about her makes no goddamn sense in this one it's not a forbidden love that forces her to give up her soul it's because a baby brother is born stopping her from becoming Queen so she uses the same spark effect even literally just saw to quote get revenge yeah that's how they put it now in revenge she made a choice to embrace evil revenge for what I don't know revenge against the baby for literally being born but okay she kills the kid and the mother and the Pharaoh what happens next Yuval bring the god of death into our world in the body of a mortal man together they would take their vengeance upon humanity from I have no idea what this chick is about first she wants to be queen then kill her brother then Blanca demon thank you the demon to release the demon to take over the world that's like saying after Bruce Wayne's parents died he wanted to become Batman open a flower shop become a disco dancer and create three new ice creams one motivation is enough after becoming The Enchantress she stopped before she can unleash her devil boyfriend or however I was supposed to work and she's mummified the body carried far from Egypt yeah no [ __ ] far it's friggin Iraq they make it look like a small stroll about Iraq's a little bit of a skip but not far enough to keep an infestation of Tom Cruise's away he plays sergeant Rick Morton who's supposed to be doing advanced recon we are not looters we are liberators of precious antiquities now usually I'd say who cares just get to the mummy already but you know what he's representing America's troops so I do care I want to see how they're represented here is what's down here treasure commando know where we are and we'll do 20 years and Leavenworth for looting yes on your quarters you disrespectful [ __ ] bags I don't get it why can't it just be archeologists like all the other films there is nothing wrong with that the ethical question of how much do you uncover for science and/or greed fits perfectly with that scenario but here disobeying orders risking prison and all just to sell artifacts on the black market seems hugely disrespectful when it's a sergeant in the army look I know not every soldier is a saint but this is the main character and I'm just gonna take a wild guess and say they don't write him superhuman or complex are you kidding me he's one of the deepest characters in cinema just listen to this incredible banter when he's breaking into enemy lines to find treasure hey they almost got every generic saying how about they don't make them like they used to when some you lose some I didn't sign up for this here we go again well beloved of too many layers to count at least we get a kernel who's trying to offset Cruz's awful character too bad he's more like an angry Commissioner stereotyped two [ __ ] from long-range reconnaissance stealing whatever isn't nailed down we have no idea what could be down there you're getting in the hole Widow him me oh and he's also a dumbass I'll be right here holding the ropes I'd give a damn hole veil oh man wait a minute he just gave a long speech about why they're untrustworthy and now he's sending only them with this archaeologist who Cruz literally just admitted he slept with as I had him in my hotel room three nights ago in Baghdad so just to clarify the mummy says the Army is full of horny idiots and thieves and you know it's a credible source because the guy who wrote transformers 2 is saying it you're the devil's taint movie they roam around the tomb after partaking in some amazing chemistry fantastic and they find the sarcophagus submerged in mercury there's nut cream dripping from the ceiling well that's different the ancient Egyptians believed that weak and evil spirit now we know better stuff will kill you yeah after it makes you crazy kind of like what not reading a script before you sign on to a franchise does after finding all minutes tomb there's suddenly attacked by bugs yeah remember how they were a big thing in the brenden fraiser one well now they're back to wreak havoc okay huh so much for that so Cruz has a weird vision of ah Manette just before this hilarious scene tell Greenway to get this thing out of here or he's gonna have to explain what he left me behind do it it's funny because she backed up in a weird way no it is it I don't know that they take possession of their tomb and bring it to their base is there really no better way to transport that but apparently Cruz's friend gets possessed by the mummy and starts killing people don't make me shoot you again a tea style I'm turning the gun I'll do it oh my god that's so cool I want to do it again but the film wants to rip off Hitchcock - why not it's ripped off from everything else okay to the films credit it is kind of cool seeing them fly around in the plane you know they combined the antigravity techniques from Apollo 13 with a spinning said to create a really neat combo of effects too bad the plane looks just as fake as the one in Superman Returns my movie [ __ ] laters the play pressures but crews mysteriously survives without a scratch on him and big shock he gets to show off his body again yes Cruz you're very cool somebody said that you can stop trying now cops come across the crash plane and now it's just waiting for the jump scare okay I hate waiting for these I'm gonna go take a piss just tell me what it happened so I can pretend like I haven't seen it a million times will do [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] oh my god so scary [Applause] [Music] hey Doug Walker here just telling you real quick we are returning to Rhode Island comic-con and this time I'm bringing my brother Rob along now the reason I'm making this announcement in the middle of the video is because last year they were saying they didn't know if they'd want to invite Internet people to such a big kind so we really need you guys to come to this con and say hello to us the Khans amazing I mean just look at this guest list there's so many good people here but you can see there's not that many internet people we had a great turnout last year we will have a great turnout this year too to show a lot of these cons to internet people are not going away it's only growing and you can help that so hopefully we'll see you guys there take care he transforms the cops into the walking duds as we cut back to Cruz with Jenny did you there's not a single scratch what he's just going through an incredible experience coming back from the dead which is essentially what this entire film is about how's he gonna react to it god this movie gets it but his friend Val seems to be a possessed ghost that only Cruz can see why Cruz is already possessed we don't need another one I don't even get it why is one a ghost and one invincible there's too many different rules you know I always thought I had a chance for their what how do you squander that there's mercury in that too oh I get it now it's so they can steal from American Werewolf in London and that's the word steal just in my head it's in my head no it's not I'm going completely crazy please believe me I'm cursed NIC until the werewolf curse is lifted this is gonna get a lot worse I'm not having a nice time here it doesn't come off as a spoof or self-aware it's not even really a common cliche it's just stealing in fact there's too many people under the Mummy's control Tom Cruise his friend and these zombie cops all seem to be under different types of possessions it makes it harder to get an idea how this mummy works or even what to be afraid of if Freddy Krueger got me I know I'd be in a dream and he torture me if Dracula got me I know I'd be bidden and turned into a vampire but if this mummy got me I don't know I might be a zombie I might be invincible I might only be able to talk through a mirror but wait there's even more we've been searching for the dagger of center-set is the Egyptian god of death the dagger and stone together had the power to give us a physical form but now we have to worry about the god of death too the movies called The Mummy why not just focus on the mummy yeah like in Frankenstein the monster is all you need it's not like the monster and Satan are going to go throw little girls in ponds one is enough speaking of which where's our monster the film's almost halfway over and we barely seen her well cruise gets a vision to find her in a church where she finally reveals herself right after that same spark effect from earlier film trying to set itself on fire what is that she uses her minions to trap him and she finds the blade to sacrifice him to release the god of death so she just sends to the blade was in that statue I guess but she also realizes the stone is missing wait she could sense that the blade was there but couldn't sense that the stone wasn't attached in fact why did she take it out earlier to prepare why did you wait for crews to get there isn't that not thinking ahead look there's a perfectly logical explanation for all this Jenny comes in to save him but much like the movie though they're going around in circles and her minions send them off a cliff that seems to be the one thing this movie knows how to do well crash and burn yep but armed men take her down with grappling hooks are thrilling mummy everybody nothing can stop her except wires with something sharp at the end of them they she was just sent an army of maples after her Cruz is taken to a secret location in London where we get cameos and jars The Creature from the Black Lagoon is hand a vampire skull look how are the duck is in the back and Russell Crowe the Nick Fury of this movie in the role of who else dr. Jekyll I would like if I may 5 stories just stick to one this is the middle of the film which would normally be where all the exposition goes but we've already had so much exposition already we're tired out even The Mummy herself starts telling us stories and the same scattered flashbacks play this won't be slow in all the wrong ways and fast in all the wrong ways but wait here's a big surprise Jenny was working for this organization the whole time why is that a big surprise because he looks surprised what was I supposed to tell you would you even have believed me she's so boring we barely know what she's like how am I supposed to know if this is in character or not well who we know she doesn't want the mummy dissected so she can know more about her world so she tries to talk to her for about two minutes what you truly wish to know what I have seen yes and you will when I kill you Wow she makes one weak thread and she's like I don't need to know about your world anymore she's tough bones you think so I have no idea she's boring welcome to a new world of gods and monsters that's the closest thing to an homage you fair boys are getting dicks but crow reveals that he wants to kill Crusoe he never becomes the god of death and he's surprisingly blunt about it certain sacrifices must be made Henry are you planning on killing him mr. Morton here essentially killed himself when he severed the barrier chain one but two stone in the dagger and stabbed him with it the dagger will allow scent to enter his body do you know he's still in the room right he was stabbed precisely intentionally I don't know it's more stupid crow admitting he's gonna kill crews our crews just standing there listening to him he's acting more like he just heard a bad pay package for his cell phone no matter what I do you are going to die I'm not interested in that at all I'm not going anywhere until I get a no credit lease-to-own agreement Jekyll starts to turn into Hyde though are you sure I think that's just how he is when he's drunk and they fight while The Mummy possesses someone else to help her escape younger man Cruz you're two years older than him can you kill your ego for just a few seconds they escape of course but the mummy hunts them down with all her powers screams buildings blow up people run yeah yeah pretty generic [ __ ] this doesn't even feel like a theatrical film feels like a sci-fi Channel movie of the week but hey what they have the face in the storm it's not the original mummy movie but it's a mummy movie they even have the Brendan Fraser moment of somebody making a stupid face while stating the obvious what was that oh that just felt like a line that was put in for the trailer so I just threw that in there isn't all of this just a trailer already for future films though so now she's using the corpses of medieval knights to chase after him zombie Knights in London remember when this used to be a mummy movie Oh me neither he swims through a Castlevania level to fine ama net is waiting I swear his reaction here is the exact same reaction of all the people who saw this on the big screen answer and all two of you had that reaction but oh no Jenny is dead god no not her she had so much character please actually most of the climax is just Tom Cruise getting his ass kicked it's more funny than suspenseful but he decides out of nowhere that he does want to be the god of death why so we can have literally four eyes but it doesn't take him over or something I don't know it's not very well explained and he uses his new powers to defeat her oh now that was the move of someone who just blew up buildings a slap look out for the mummy she might slap you what the hell happened to the powers you had before you dummy mummy he defeats her and turns into black heart from Ghost Rider to bring Jenny back seemingly fighting the evil that's inside him but an even more important resurrection takes place our comic relief fail thank you for bringing me back to life and everything that come on admit it Cruz was more in love with him than he was with her then he rides off with all his power leaving the door open whether or not he'll use them for good or evil um shouldn't that be more of dr. Jekyll's thing you know he's in the movie right isn't this kind of a redundant idea with Cruise's character what even is Cruz now he's not any of the classic monsters is he the new mummy is the other mummy dead why should I be excited for any of this you couldn't even tease the future movies right and this movie's sole purpose is to tease other movies a good tease would be building up the Wolfman because we know what that is and can get excited for it when you see Thor's hammer at the end of a movie you know Thor is coming when you see the Joker card at the end of a movie you know the Joker is coming but what am I supposed to do with this think Tom Cruise now has epic farts that can cause sandstorms I'm not excited I'm confused and pissed off this movie is terrible that it friggin is aside from him becoming bland Helsing I don't know what kind of world this is trying to set up it focuses too much on planning ahead rather than focusing on what's right in front of you you can't grow a garden if you can't figure out how to plant your first flower the reason to do a reboot is to do something different or improve on it the classic Universal crossovers had their faults Frankenstein Meets The Wolfman worked well when it was two monsters but when they started throwing Dracula in and house of Frankenstein house of Dracula it's starting to become a mess because they couldn't really figure out how to write all the monsters into one film but this is not an improvement it follows every modern trend without creating anything unique I'd compare it to one of the main jokes in the mockumentary spinal tap the band is following every popular style of music the hippie flower phase 80's glam rock phase and every time they join the trend they're just a bit too late The Mummy follows the zombie trend action trend superhero trend it throws everything in the pot but not in a fun self-aware way it's like it's really trying hard to cast out a big net and be the most popular thing possible it's overly confident that this is the first chapter in a cinematic universe when really this epic first step is an epic misstep man that was our review of the mummy and you were right nerd listen nearly as bad as I thought it would be I don't remember saying that you're right because it was okay it's all right once you calm down critic why don't you watch something good for a change yeah I guess I could I even left a new movie on your desk it's based on an anime that's supposed to be really good huh you did I didn't notice that there the whole time how strange and yeah other good things about that anime yeah so obviously the movie must be good right yeah that's sound logic thanks a lot nerd you're not such a bad guy after all I'm really gonna enjoy watching this [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] [Music] you want to stab me precisely intentionally hey Doug Walker here doing the charity shout out and this week we are doing the American Lung Association this is the leading organization working to save lives by improving lung health and preventing lung disease through research education and advocacy their work is focused on five strategic imperatives to defeat lung cancer to improve the air we breathe to reduce the burden of lung disease on individuals and their families to accelerate fundraising and to enhance organizational effectiveness to support the urgency of their mission whether it's searching for cures to lung disease or fighting for laws that protect the air we breathe the work of the American Lung Association helps to save lives every day for more than a hundred and ten years they've led the fight for healthy lungs and healthy air and today their work is more important than ever if you go to their site or their YouTube page you can see in great detail not only how they helped but who they help definitely drop by and show your support for a future filled with easy breathing you [Music] you

Channel: Channel Awesome

Views: 2,651,621

Keywords: channel awesome, nostalgia critic, doug walker, movie, movies, film, the mummy, the mummy 2017, the mummy review, movie review, film review, avgn, angry video game nerd, the mummy franchise, dark universe, tom cruise, annabelle wallis, russell crowe, nostalgiaween, halloween, monster madness

Id: FCGDi1f4zm8

Length: 26min 12sec (1572 seconds)

Published: Wed Nov 01 2017

Reddit Comments

[u/ThatCinemaCynic]

It's funny, I was watching an AVGN video, thinking how long it's been since these two did a crossover when this video popped up.

[u/V0lcanicViper]

Word to your mummy

How could I've forgotten this jewel

[u/kbyyru]

i actually liked this movie. i wouldn't go so far to call it great or amazing, but it's definitely enjoyable.