The Last Neopets Game

Neopets the darkest fairy it's a game you should play the game just kidding don't play the game that's bad how do I know this well I played the game some background Neopets calm was a wildly popular early browser game designed to make you visit McDonald's and believed in Scientology that isn't a joke I'm totally serious about the Scientology this game was quickly made while God was looking away and for some reasons on the ps2 so I beat the game the whole game it takes like 40 hours so come with me on this amazing journey and together we will be able to save Xenu also every FMV in the game is at a low resolution and cannot be upscaled no matter what don't ask me anyway so the game begins when the pillar men awaken from the bottom of the ocean [Music] but that plot thread takes like 10 hours to come back so we're gonna go to a farm now so you play as torment and you live your entire life in an extremely skinny fur suit you start the game by beating up a woman because you want to be a police officer then my emulator [ __ ] up and did this but then after that fixes you get to spend 10 minutes hurting small sheep with uncooperative AI into a small pen that they actually don't go into you resolve to enter your home but are put off by the fact that your house is a TARDIS because the EU so anyways after years of being trapped in an endless waking nightmare your father finally trusts you to deliver a package to the kingdom of Merida and to ensure your safety your father offers you the family sword and says listen tor it is not on toys anyways we get our sword made of wood and then we just kind of triumphantly [ __ ] off after exactly 12 seconds of walking we interrupt a robbery so the most logical action for a child to take with a wooden stick is attempted murder anyway so that works and then this happens thank you alright so the tobacco frog gives us a cool amulet and tells us literally to never take it off under any circumstances no matter what so the amulet isn't really visible on her character at all it took me 30 minutes of navigating a blasted hellscape and attempting to get over destroyed infrastructure before we finally reached the gates of the castle but not all is well in Mara del castle because I am almost immediately brought to by the trollface who proceeds to take my package in a really cool animation and when you chase after him the game just kind of does this and that pretty much happens until you get to his hideout at which point you're almost robbed because you're a child with a stick until obi-wan from the Clone Wars helps you oh yeah did I mention that James Arnold Pele in this game I'd wager you'd make a fine knight someday so we go to deliver the package when Tory attempts to sign up for the [ __ ] military but to make this rational life decision we need to find ourself a sponsor fortunately there is a random drunk person in the bar who is willing to sponsor us as long as we put his sword back together I did in two minutes a lazy [ __ ] in a strange moment of clarity the game actually requires that you get permission from your dad in order to join the military so you run all the way home like an Ethiopian who smells a dead zebra but your parents pretty much tell you the [ __ ] off because your sister has gone missing in the woods so you run all the way to the woods like an Ethiopian man chasing a live zebra but also all ropes in the game sound like this so in the deepest part of the woods your sisters being filmed for a hand tied by a plant which you pretty much just proceeded to [ __ ] kill so your sisters back now your dad's pretty much just like all son you're the most responsible gardener I've ever seen all day he joined the military at which point I had to hold the W key for an additional ten more minutes while I signed up there is no fast travel in this game about two minutes after signing up tormund realizes that he's made a terrible mistake his ass belongs to the dinosaur now but before that we got to go to sleep so we could be contacted by a dark influence in our dreams [Music] what have they done I just rebuilt Sam anyways after that disturbing nightmare we have to get to our duties which include but are not limited to imprisoning mice people murdering sentient poop in the sewer getting rid of crows but I forgot to film it cuz this game is so [ __ ] boring oh yeah and save the village that's being rated by the mujahideen so I spent the proper 9 minutes walking all the way to Afghanistan without saving before realizing that if the enemy's here hit me they permanently softlocked me due to a glitch in my emulator so I reload a save and then walk all the way back over to Afghanistan and then save so in order to save the village so we get to the end of the area without getting hit once and then there's this really big muscular dude anyways we don't have to worry about him hitting us because the game is super easy to exploit and it turns out we didn't have to because he just dies of a heart attack as a reward for our brave work under the CIA the king of mera Dell himself scar all the first Knights us in a really awkward FMV but not all is well in the kingdom of Mara del there are dark clouds approaching it listens Glade what citizens Glade you may ask our character goes to sleep where he has a dream about being laughed at for going to school in his underwear and when we wake up we realize that everyone left the castle without us fortunately obi-wan is able to communicate with us from the top right quadrant of the screen to tell us that all of the Knights have gone to illidan's glade and have not come back so like a reasonable person who does not yet wish to kill themselves you spend 10 minutes walking all the way over the hills and Glade only to find the place overrun with werewolves who are basically just bigger stronger versions of you apparently the Neopets universe just discriminates based on race so after we beat the werewolves at basketball we encounter the King werewolf who is also a rapist and only speaks in an Australian accent in office true so it's pretty [ __ ] up that the werewolves keep an even bigger version of themselves as a pet but we're gonna fight it anyways I just kidding you get knocked the [ __ ] down okay so that actually killed them he's dead come we must leave quickly before Tara that is [ __ ] moon anyways he caps off the racial stereotype by robbing a woman and then [ __ ] off we try and see if she's okay and then she just pumps us off a building but it's fine because alright so I hope you're sitting down for the rest of this ship so it turns out that the extra special amulet that the tobacco frog gave us about ten hours earlier in the story is extremely similar to the Emily that the werewolf just stole and is required for resisting the influence at the darkest fairies clouds which managed to cover the entire span of the map within the time it took for me to fall off of a 40-story building so now the entire world is infested with demons that take approximately 60 seconds to kill each and there's no point in fighting them so you run all the way over to the castle we get into the castle and realize that the king is actually super into Finn dog while also overhearing the darkest pillar man's plan to commit genocide we decide that moving around in a really noisy set of armor is actually a good idea and then this happens [Music] kill him so after being threatened with a good time you attempt to run to the dining hall where yeah they just miss and with the help of a random and unexplained maid you are able to jump into the sewers to escape the fairies are kind of disappointed that you're late for your 11:00 p.m. dick flattening so they sent a fireball to kill your ass and with a bit of luck you are able to drop into the sewers completely unscathed anyway so our new protagonist now arrives a fairyland land of the fairies where she can distantly hear the audience questioning why the [ __ ] they're here I hear you out there asking for an explanation your name is Roberta and you're here with your magic teacher who walks like he constantly has to take a [ __ ] you're pretty much here to tell the queen of the fairies that though a world might end soon not sure turns out the courts already in session so they just tell you to [ __ ] wait to teach your head still library presumably to [ __ ] in the book meanwhile you save an old woman's cat from tree but I didn't film it because I didn't think it would be very important turns out she gives you an amulet then you just navigate the entire maze for a fetch quest before finally being called into the chambers of the Queen you tell her that there are clouds and then you leave this pumps your character head through 14 office buildings 20 coldest acts and five pizzerias to get to your room and go to [ __ ] sleep and when you wake up I turn on the dubstep part of the soundtrack so you know it's pretty bad as it turns out the darkest fairy is just really kinky and brought the clouds over here as well also I don't know if you saw that just now but she anyways you go find your teacher it turns out he really did [ __ ] in that book but he feels much better now thank you since the game gives you no incentive to fight any enemies ever you just try to get out normally this involves murdering a dog in order to ring a bell since big chunga snow blocks the normal staircase you very reasonably decided to head down the endless staircase to escape the endless staircase is a very simple puzzle that goes like this all right we're done you start to run away and the darkest fairy is kind of just like all of us does the bug who rang the bell got Damon and a giant cloud finger just knocks you down to earth killing you instantly huh just kidding please no [ __ ] family members now you two are together because tor swam out of the sewer you end up fighting a boss that takes several minutes due to the very very good combat system take it off you two decide to go to the king of bright Vale to tell him that clouds exist and that means more running please help me I want to die meanwhile the darkest fairy just straight-up summons an assassin and pays him by creating gold out of thin air which due to rampant inflation along with the corona virus destroyed the stock market welcome to a [ __ ] break Vale it's the city with a fully functioning obstacle course but no grocery store we go to see the king of bright Vale only to find out that the economy has regressed to that of the vemma republic and that he can no longer afford his insulin so he sends you to the library to find the mystical power wand that he can trade for some also it might be able to kill the darkest fairy so you run across bright Bale while I explained that the power one is underneath mayor del castle due to four tsunamis so it's time to get to the other side of the entire map again to get it then the assassin intercepts you during your triple marathon sprint and then just kind of does this face you fight him for three metres before he just kind of goes like huh I'm not gonna fight you right now cuz I totally win and you better not come after me I'll so beat you really bad haha bye anyways the bridge Tamara doll has actually been destroyed and the only way to get through is to find a civil engineer through a parrot welcome to market town it's full of enemies that you aren't supposed to fight yet your characters soon proceed to the town of markets named market towns markets where you see mark after this guy dabs he tells you that the stock market is currently crashing due to a mysterious pestilence and the stock market offers you the guild treasurer in return for killing the black guy I mean black knight at the top of the tower who is causing it you proceeded to run past all the high-level enemies on the south side of Chicago once you are at the entrance of the tower you climb a lot of ladders to get up so many ladders in fact that I held my W key down for too long and it broke it so I had to have my laptop repaired there's so many [ __ ] ladders and you get to the top of the tower where the Black Knight just kind of randomly appears then he does a sort of circling maneuver for the next ten minutes because his AI is bugged finally you are able to kill him when a window breaks and he kind of just sounds like this we run all the way back to the stock market after our five hundred billion stimulus is applied but the game just ends up playing the wrong cutscene so we just have to stay longer he gives us the treasure which isn't anything silly like money but just a random item that we can't touch very worth it next we head to the bog shot swamp where supposedly civil engineers live you go to see the bridge repair guy but he tells you that he's too sick due to a virus that's spread by Italians so you go to the apothecary to try and figure out how you can create a cure for being Italian turns out that's not the cure they're talking about so you venture into the swamp to kill the arch Italian on your way the assassin attempts to assassinate you but you can just walk away from his assassination attempt very skilled I would really like to talk about the next boss but it kind of just appears without any sounded without any cutscene so if the games not gonna try I guess I won't either you finally killed danke press a and he takes [ __ ] nine years to die where it is revealed that clouds clear when the monsters die so the world can be saved by killing enough people the bridge builder now over his pizza addiction finally repairs the bridge and allows us to enter the lands of mera Dell once more I'm just [ __ ] with you there's a giant wall in the way the assassin just appears for no reason and then goes like haha the fairy magic has he stuck he can't get in I totally fight you right now but I don't want to because I beat you and then you'd be dead haha Oh oh [ __ ] you're actually trying to fight me but you would lose if we fight so I'm gonna not fight you at maja buy you soon figure out that the best way to destroy the dark fairy's magic is to get the earth fairies magic to counteract it yeah the one that punted you off a [ __ ] building turns out she only acted that way cuz her amulet was stolen and we need to get it back so we run all the way back to my farm for no reason only to find that the clouds have just turned everyone purple which is still a bad thing and because I'm racist I set out to defeat the plant that's turning everyone purple in the woods I will not let my daughter marry a smurf you run through the jungle for a bit before this [ __ ] comes back and he's just like uh-huh I would love to fight you right now but that wouldn't be fun because I'd kill you so fast quickly haha you better not come out of this hole huh so now you're in a hole you walk out of the hole I don't know why he didn't just put spikes at the bottom you get to fight the exact same plant monster again with the exact same moveset exact same weaknesses and exact same damage only as I did not upgrade her eras damage once the plant dies and everyone is unperfect your father grows Alzheimer's and forgets what his own son looks like then he gives you a grappling hook which is just something he had for our next stop in ignoring the main quest we will be heading to Afghanistan to liberate it from a resurgent Mujahideen this will definitely make sense later this area is nearly identical to the last time we were here except this time I just run past all the enemies instead of fighting them turns out the chieftain who died of a heart attack actually resurrected himself like Bernie Sanders we run through the entire mine without taking any damage I'm totally serious I actually did that until we find al-baghdadi himself only problem is that he's a copy/paste from his original version so he's ridiculously trivial to kill and if I sound bored with this part of the game it's because I am so he jumps really high to induce a second heart attack and you save the mayor with telepathy for your amazing work saving the entire town from the clutches of death the mayor gives you a cloak he gives you a regular deploy now it's time to do what we're actually supposed to do and go get the earth fairies charm so naturally we catch a cheap flight to Australia which is a swamp our way into the spider sanctum is blocked by a gigantic skull so it's time to go grave robbing to find a key this prompts the assassin to appear for the 15th time the attempting to stop our crimes so he rendered a [ __ ] dead the only problem being that you can just walk away again I then spent a ton ironic one and a half hours trying to get through this [ __ ] cavern to get the key which drove my stream insane hey what you doing over there they better not be sexually transitioning what the [ __ ] were you know there we finally get the key and open up the skull only to find that the inside is filled with good game played including a whopping in two enemy types and when we finally reach the black heart of darkness we look up only to see Remmy down under Damon yo dat mo so from innocence glad you don't you and just like always I was too busy running past everything to upgrade my damage so this fight took forever [Laughter] why and like most things involving the CIA this fight ends with you using the Heart Attack gun now with the charm in hand in another third world country destabilized we head to Olsen's Glade to save the fairy haha looks like you're stuck down there and you can't come up here to fight me don't do it please but remember we have our dad's grappling hook which lets us reach this [ __ ] and forces him to fight us we go at it for a bit before he unleashes his true and devastating power level this forces us to adopt new strategies and unique tactics before he enters serious mode we soon trade blows with a powerful and deadly opponent until he suddenly enters his super saiyan mode and just when the battle looks hopeless for our heroes he leaves by I may have said some things earlier that I may regret but I'm gone see you later bye he spent nine years hyping up that battle so he wake up the fairy and that she gives us the orb required to get through the fog wall at this point I'm just very disappointed we use our stupid [ __ ] cloak to sneak into the castle where we use on market town treasure to bribe a chipmunk securing our entrance to the sewers at this point the plot has delved completely into in comprehensibility we find a door in the way and miraculously open it because that's what doors are made for we fight our way down to the inner sanctum of Mara del castle using cool gameplay tricks that you can try at home as well as navigating a complex and bizarre labyrinth that I totally care about narrating we enter the marital vault and find the insulin power wand we also see the bone dragon don't worry about him the bone dragon is special so after we uh fight him oh okay he's done he's done we attained the insulin wand and are now able to kill black fairies i dark fairies I meant dark fairies take these three for example you just [ __ ] tase them they're dead now I think I just kept a few steps showing my way over there but [ __ ] it look I'm gonna be real with you it looks like we're close to resolution you know we've liberated the kingdom the king is free everyone's happy we're barely two-thirds of the way through the game this is a very long game it just doesn't stop it just keeps repeating content and the videos getting really long if it does really well and you know it doesn't sit perpetually at 40,000 views for the rest of existence then maybe you'll get a second one but until then no more this game is awful [Music] [Music]

Channel: Max0r

Views: 283,685

Rating: 4.9391155 out of 5

Keywords: Neopets: The Darkest Faerie, Neopets, Funny Moments, Narration, Neopets The Final Game, The last neopets game, The Neopets Last Game, Neopets The Darkest Faerie, The Last Game Neopets

Id: -SBktZFunzA

Length: 18min 20sec (1100 seconds)

Published: Sun Mar 22 2020