>> Stephen: HEY, THERE YOU GO! WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW." I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. TONIGHT IS THE VERY LAST "LATE
SHOW" IN QUARANTINE. ON MONDAY, I'LL BE BACK
DOWNSTAIRS IN THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER FOR "THE LATE SHOW." IT WILL BE MY FIRST TIME IN
FRONT OF A LIVE AUDIENCE IN 460 DAYS. GOSH, I HOPE I STILL REMEMBER
HOW TO FEEL VALIDATED BY A CHEERING CROWD. POINT IS, YOU MADE IT, AMERICA. AFTER 15 MONTHS OF QUARANTINE,
LIKE CICADAS, WE'RE ALL RE-EMERGING INTO THE SUN, AND
WILL SPEND THE NEXT TWO WEEKS MAKING WEIRD NOISES AND HAVING
SEX 'TIL WE DIE. I'M BEING FACT-CHECKED ON SOME
OF THAT. BY MY PRODUCER AND WIFE RIGHT
OVER THERE. NOW, LEAVING THIS STORAGE ROOM
IS A LITTLE BITTERSWEET. SWEET BECAUSE I GET TO LEAVE. BITTER, BECAUSE AFTER TEN MONTHS
OF PURELLING, EVERYTHING TASTES LIKE A DOCTOR'S OFFICE. THERE ARE SOME THINGS I'LL MISS
ABOUT THIS STUDIO. LIKE YOU, SILENCE. GOT ANYTHING YOU WANT TO SAY TO
ME BEFORE I GO? WELL, I HATE YOU, TOO. PEOPLE ARE ALSO TRAVELING AGAIN. FOR INSTANCE, ONE SENIOR TOURIST
IS SEEING THE SIGHTS OF EUROPE. I'M TALKING, OF COURSE, ABOUT
JOE BIDEN. HE WAS IN THE U.K. TODAY,
MEETING BRITISH PRIME MINISTER AND REAL BOY WHO WISHED TO BE A
SCARECROW, BORIS JOHNSON. IT COULD HAVE BEEN AWKWARD,
CONSIDERING THAT, DURING THE ELECTION, BIDEN CALLED JOHNSON A
"PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL CLONE" OF OUR LAST PRESIDENT. THAT'S NOT FAIR. HE'S REALLY MORE OF A VESTIGIAL
TWIN. BUT THE LEADERS GOT PAST IT AND
ANNOUNCED WHAT IS BEING BILLED AS A RENEWAL OF THE ATLANTIC
CHARTER. AWW, THEY'RE RENEWING THEIR
VOWS! IT'S GOING TO BE A SMALL
CEREMONY ON THE BEACHES OF NORMANDY, ONLY OUR CLOSEST
ALLIES, PLEASE R.S.V.P. SOON, AND LET US KNOW WHETHER YOU WANT
CHICKEN, FISH, OR THE LINGERING RAVAGES OF COLONIALISM. THE ORIGINAL ATLANTIC CHARTER
WAS A DECLARATION OF POSTWAR COOPERATION THAT WAS SIGNED BY
CHURCHILL AND F.D.R., AND THE NEW VERSION STATES THAT THE
DEMOCRATIC MODEL IS "THE RIGHT AND THE JUST AND THE BEST" ONE
FOR CONFRONTING THE WORLD'S CHALLENGES. YES, EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE,
YOU NEED TO REMIND YOURSELF OF THE THINGS THAT SEEM OBVIOUS:
DEMOCRACY IS GOOD, PIZZA IS TASTY, AND "UPTOWN FUNK'S" GOING
TO GIVE IT YOU. DON'T BELIEVE ME? THE TWO LEADERS GOT ALONG
FAMOUSLY, AND POINTED OUT SOMETHING THEY HAVE IN COMMON:
>> I TOLD THE PRIME MINISTER WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON. WE BOTH MARRIED WAY ABOVE OUR
STATION. >> I AM NOT GOING-- I'M NOT
GOING TO DISSENT FROM THAT ONE. OR INDEED ON ANYTHING ELSE. I THINK IT HIGHLY LIKELY. >> Stephen: (AS BORIS JOHNSON)
"I'M NOT GOING TO DISSENT FROM THAT ONE. MY WIFE, AND WOMEN IN GENERAL,
FIND ME REPULSIVE. FEEL FREE TO INSULT ME MORE. CALL ME A CHUNKY MONKEY. SAY I LOOK LIKE PIERS MORGAN'S
CORPSE THAT WAS FISHED OUT OF THE THAMES. I NEED THIS TRADE DEAL! NO ONE IN THE E.U. WILL TALK TO
ME, AND I JUST FOUND OUT BRITAIN'S AN ISLAND. WHAT WAS I THINKING?"
WHAT WERE YOU THINKING, BORIS? BIDEN'S BETTER HALF, DR. JILL
BIDEN, DID ACCOMPANY HIM TO EUROPE. LAST NIGHT, THE FIRST LADY
ADDRESSED THE TROOPS AND THEIR FAMILIES STATIONED AT A BRITISH
AIR BASE, AND MADE IT CLEAR WHO'S THE BOSS. >> JOE AND I ARE ALWAYS EXCITED
TO VISIT WITH OUR TROOPS AND THEIR FAMILIES. YOU KNOW, YOU CAN SIT DOWN. I DON'T WANT YOU TO STAND
THROUGH-- [LAUGHTER]
JOE, PAY ATTENTION. [LAUGHTER]
OH, SO SHE IS A TEACHER. THAT IS SO NICE. IT'S REFRESHING THAT THE
FIRST COUPLE COMMUNICATES WITH SOMETHING OTHER THAN A
HAND-SWAT. THEN, IT WAS JOE'S TURN TO
ADDRESS THE TROOPS, AND HE PREVIEWED HIS ITINERARY:
>> THIS IS MY FIRST OVERSEAS TRIP AS PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED
STATES. I AM HEADED TO THE G-7, AND THEN
TO THE NATO MINISTRIAL, AND THEN TO MEET WITH MR. PUTIN, TO LET
HIM KNOW WHAT I WANT HIM KNOW. [APPLAUSE]
>> Stephen: WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT? TURNS OUT, THE TROOPS ENJOY
HAVING A COMMANDER IN CHIEF WHO'S FIGHTING ON THEIR SIDE. THE PRESIDENT SAID THE STAKES
COULD NOT BE HIGHER: >> HERE'S WHY THIS ALL MATTERS
SO MUCH RIGHT NOW. I BELIEVE WE'RE IN AN INFLECTION
POINT IN WORLD HISTORY. WE HAVE TO DISCREDIT THOSE WHO
BELIEVE THE AGE OF DEMOCRACY IS OVER. >> Stephen: I AGREE. SO STOP TRYING TO NEGOTIATE WITH
THEM ON AN INFRASTRUCTURE BILL! WHILE IN THE U.K., PRESIDENT
BIDEN MADE A BIG ANNOUNCEMENT. >> TODAY WE ARE TAKING A MAJOR
STEP THAT WILL SUPERCHARGE THE GLOBAL FIGHT AGAINST THIS
PANDEMIC. THE UNITED STATES WILL PURCHASE
A HALF A BILLION DOSES OF PFIZER'S COVID-19 VACCINE TO
DONATE TO NEARLY 100 NATIONS THAT ARE IN DIRE NEED IN THE
FIGHT AGAINST THIS PANDEMIC. >> Stephen: BIDEN JUST PROVED
HE'S IRISH. HE'S ON VACATION, FEELIN' GOOD,
BUYING EVERYBODY A ROUND OF SHOTS! SINCE THEY'RE BUYING IN BULK,
THE GOVERNMENT WILL PAY FOR THE DOSES AT A "NOT FOR PROFIT"
PRICE. WHICH MEANS EVERY DOSE COMES
WITH A FREE "THIS AMERICAN SAVED YOUR LIFE" TOTE BAG. THE REST OF THE WORLD REALLY
NEEDS THAT VACCINE. ESPECIALLY JAPAN. WE ARE JUST OVER A MONTH AWAY
FROM THE TOKYO SUMMER OLYMPICS AND I CANNOT WAIT TO HAVE A
THE POLE VAULT. I'M TELLING YOU, ARMAND
DUPLANTIS FROM SWEDEN IS GOING TO TAKE IT ALL! GO MONDO! YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. BUT THERE'S A SHADOW OVER THE
GAMES, BECAUSE TOKYO IS CURRENTLY UNDER A STATE OF
EMERGENCY AS A RESULT OF INCREASED COVID CASES. AND IT'S TOUGH TO KEEP
TRANSMISSION DOWN DURING THE OLYMPICS, UNLESS THEY INTRODUCE
SOCIALLY-DISTANCED ROWING. TO KEEP THE ATHLETES HEALTHY,
THE TOKYO ORGANIZING COMMITTEE IS CONSIDERING SOME NEW RULES,
INCLUDING A BAN ON ALCOHOL IN THE OLYMPIC VILLAGE. NO ALCOHOL? WHAT ARE THE OLYMPIANS EVEN
GOING TO TALK ABOUT SOBER? (AS ATHLETE)
"SO... UH... WHAT DO YOU DO? THROW A HEAVY BALL? THAT'S COOL. THAT'S COOL. I RUN REAL FAST WITH A STICK. MORE SNAPPLE?"
BUT OFFICIALS UNDERSTAND THERE MIGHT BE LIMITATIONS TO THE BAN,
SAYING, "IN THE CASE THAT THEY WERE TO DRINK INSIDE THEIR OWN
ROOMS, CAN WE PROHIBIT THAT? THAT'S NOT CONCEIVABLE. IT WOULD BE VERY DIFFICULT TO DO
SO." SO, DON'T WORRY. THE OLYMPIC R.A. IS COOL. IF YOU'RE GOING TO PARTY IN YOUR
ROOM, JUST ROLL UP A GYMNAST AND WEDGE HIM UNDER THE DOOR. SPEAKING OF EPIC QUADRENNIAL
CONFLICTS, THE NEW YORK MAYORAL PRIMARY IS LESS THAN TWO WEEKS
AWAY, AND THERE'S A NEW CONTROVERSY SURROUNDING THE
FRONTRUNNER, BROOKLYN BOROUGH PRESIDENT AND CARDBOARD CUTOUT
BLOCKING TRAFFIC, ERIC ADAMS. ADAMS IS FACING ALLEGATIONS THAT
HE MAY POSSIBLY LIVE IN NEW JERSEY. WELL, THAT'S NOT SO BAD. GIULIANI WAS MAYOR OF NEW YORK,
AND HE'S A FULL-TIME RESIDENT OF CRAZYTOWN. ADAMS CLAIMS THAT HIS PRIMARY
RESIDENCE IS IN THE BEDFORD-STUYVESANT SECTION OF
BROOKLYN, BUT HE ALSO CO-OWNS A CO-OP IN
FORT LEE, NEW JERSEY. HE'S DOUBLE-DIPPING! YOU'VE GOT TO BE CAREFUL WHEN
YOU DIP INTO NEW JERSEY OR YOU'LL EMERGE SOAKED IN GAS
STATION COLOGNE. SO, HE MIGHT LIVE IN BED-STUY,
OR HE MIGHT LIVE IN NEW JERSEY. OR NEITHER. BECAUSE, TO MAKE MATTERS
WEIRDER, ADAMS ALSO MOVED INTO BROOKLYN BOROUGH HALL FOR A TIME
AFTER THE PANDEMIC HIT. YES, WHILE THE REST OF US WERE
WORKING FROM HOME, ERIC ADAMS WAS HOMING FROM WORK. NOW TO CLEAR UP THE CONFUSION,
ADAMS INVITED REPORTERS FOR A TOUR OF HIS BED-STUY APARTMENT,
POINTING OUT THE "SMALL, MODEST KITCHEN" AND "SMALL, MODEST
BATHROOM." OKAY, BUSTED. HE HAS A SMALL, MODEST KITCHEN
AND A SEPARATE SMALL, MODEST BATHROOM? REAL NEW YORKERS KNOW YOUR
KITCHEN IS ALSO YOUR BATHROOM IS ALSO YOUR OFFICE IS ALSO YOUR
ROOMMATE'S CRY SPACE. THE TOUR ONLY MADE THINGS WORSE
FOR ADAMS, BECAUSE IT LED MANY TO SPECULATE THAT IT'S ACTUALLY
HIS SON WHO LIVES THERE. FOR EXAMPLE, ADAMS IS A VEGAN,
BUT THE TOWNHOUSE FRIDGE LOOKED LIKE THIS--
SALMON, GROUND MEAT, AND AN EMPTY BRITA? THAT IS NOT THE FRIDGE OF A
VEGAN! IT'S ALSO NOT THE FRIDGE OF A
GROWN MAN. LADIES, IF HE BRINGS YOU OVER
AND YOU SEE THIS, HE'S EITHER ABOUT TO MURDER YOU OR MAKE YOU
WATCH HIM PLAY VIDEO GAMES. EITHER WAY, GET OUT OF THERE! HERE'S WHERE THE WEIRDNESS GETS
EVEN STRANGER. A FEW YEARS AGO, ADAMS POSTED
THIS PHOTO OF HIS BED-STUY FRIDGE, WHICH LOOKS VERY
DIFFERENT FROM THE ONE REPORTERS SAW YESTERDAY. THE FRIDGE ON THE RIGHT LOOKS
LIKE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THE FRIDGE ON THE LEFT LOSES
EVERYTHING AT THE HORSE TRACK. AND THE WEIRD STRANGENESS GOT
EVEN ODDER WHEN HE BROUGHT REPORTERS INTO HIS BEDROOM,
BECAUSE PEOPLE WERE QUICK TO POINT OUT THAT THE SHOES IN
ADAMS' SUPPOSED BEDROOM LOOK LIKE THEY BELONG TO HIS SON. REMINDS ME OF THAT FAMOUS
HEMINGWAY STORY: "FOR SALE. BABY SHOES. NEVER WORN. ACTUALLY, WORN ONCE BY ERIC
ADAMS, TO PROVE HE DOESN'T LIVE IN NEW JERSEY." WAIT, JIMMY, CAN WE GO BACK TO
THAT PHOTO OF ADAMS' SON? ZOOM IN. FLIP IT! HE'S WEARING A "LATE SHOW WITH
STEPHEN COLBERT" T-SHIRT! WAIT A SECOND! THAT'S OUR BELOVED FORMER INTERN
JORDAN COLEMAN! I TAKE BACK WHAT I SAID! ERIC ADAMS DEFINITELY LIVES IN
NEW YORK! BECAUSE IT IS FAMOUSLY A
REQUIREMENT THAT THE DADS OF ALL "LATE SHOW" INTERNS MUST RESIDE
WITHIN THE CITY LIMITS. RIGHT, INTERNS? WHERE DO YOUR DADS LIVE? (CROSSTALK)
>> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT! NEW YORK CITY! WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT. I'LL BE TALKING WITH U.S.A.I.D. ADMINISTRATOR SAMANTHA POWER,
AND SETH ROGEN WILL BE TAKING THE "COLBERT QUESTIONNAIRE." BUT WHEN WE RETURN, THE VERY
LAST QUARANTINE-WHILE. STICK AROUND.
