>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY.
WELCOME TO "A" LATE SHOW. I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. IT IS A BIG DAY FOR AMERICA,
BECAUSE AFTER YEARS OF AGONIZING WAIT, FINALLY, J. LO AND BEN
AFFLECK ARE BACK TOGETHER! NATURE IS HEALING! AT LAST, SOMEONE CAN MAKE
MY MOVIE: "BATMAN VS. GIGLI." THIS TIME, NOBODY WINS. OH, ANOTHER THING HAPPENED
YESTERDAY. WE LEARNED THAT THE PROSECUTOR
IN THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S CRIMINAL PROBE HAS CONVENED A
GRAND JURY. BOO-YAH! GRAND JURY! CABLE NEWS, TELL US WHY THE
GRAND JURY WAS EMPANELED. >> THERE'S A LOT WE KNOW AND
DON'T KNOW. >> Stephen: THANKS FOR THAT
ANALYSIS, JIM. DANA BASH, CAN YOU BE A LITTLE
MORE SPECIFIC? >> WE DON'T KNOW SO MANY THINGS. WE DON'T KNOW MOST THINGS. >> Stephen: BUT WE DO HAVE SOME
EVIDENCE THAT A CRIME WAS COMMITTED, RIGHT, DANIEL
GOLDMAN? >> THERE IS SOME EVIDENCE THAT A
CRIME WAS COMMITTED. >> Stephen: AWESOME. BY WHOM? >> WE DON'T KNOW WHO-- BY WHOM. >> Stephen: OKAY, NO BIGGEE. GO ON. >> WE DON'T KNOW WHAT THE
CRIME IS. >> Stephen: SO, WE DON'T KNOW
WHO, WHAT OR WHY. LOOKS LIKE A CASE FOR THE CBS
CLASSIC: MAYBE SOMETHING HAPPENED, SHE
CONJECTURED. BUT, CLEARLY, WE KNOW WHO
THEY'RE GOING AFTER, RIGHT, WILLIE GEIST? >> WE DON'T KNOW WHO THE
TARGET IS. WE DON'T KNOW IF THERE ARE
ALLEGED CRIMES AGAINST DONALD TRUMP. >> Stephen: OKAY, WHAT ABOUT HIS
KIDS? THEY RAN THE BUSINESS. SURELY THEY'RE INVESTIGATING
THEM? >> THE BASIC ANSWER REGARDING
TRUMP'S GROWN CHILDREN IS WE DON'T KNOW. >> Stephen: AH, FOR PICKLED
(BLEEP) SAKE, IS THERE ANYTHING WE DO KNOW? >> THERE'S THE OLD LINE ABOUT
HOW, YOU KNOW, A GRAND JURY WOULD INDICT A HAM SANDWICH. IS DONALD TRUMP A HAM SANDWICH? I DON'T KNOW. >> Stephen: DAMMIT! I'LL SETTLE THIS. TALK, YOU BASTARD! SPILL THE BEANS! ALL YOU UNDERSTAND IS THE ROUGH
STUFF, HUH? COME ON! YOU LIKE THAT? YOU LIKE THAT! <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
MMMM. MMMM. GUILTY. MMMM. OKAY, WOULD YOU-- WOULD YOU--
WOULD ANYBODY LIKE SOME? THERE'S PLENTY. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
>> Stephen: I THINK THAT WAS HAM, CHEESE, AND GRAVEL. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
MMM. OKAY, CAN ANYONE OUT THERE MAKE
ANY DEFINITIVE STATEMENT ABOUT WHAT WE KNOW? >> ♪ I DON'T KNOW MUCH,
♪ BUT I KNOW I LOVE YOU. >> Stephen: THANK YOU, AARON
NEVILLE. NOT HELPFUL, BUT I LOVE YOU,
TOO. WELL, I GUESS ONE THING WE DO
KNOW, IS THAT THERE'S NOT ENOUGH NEWS TO FILL 24-HOUR NEWS. ALL LACK OF FACTS ASIDE,
INSIDERS HAVE SAID THAT INVESTIGATORS ARE LOOKING INTO
WHETHER THE STATED VALUE OF PROPERTIES OWNED BY THE FORMER
PRESIDENT WERE MANIPULATED IN A WAY THAT DEFRAUDED BANKS AND
INSURANCE COMPANIES, AND IF ANY TAX BENEFITS WERE OBTAINED
ILLEGALLY THROUGH UNSCRUPULOUS ASSET VALUATION. WELL OF COURSE THEY'RE
UNSCRUPULOUS. THIS MAN HAS NEVER SCRUPED. INVESTIGATORS BETTER BRING AN
UNSCRUPER SCOOPER. TO FIND OUT WHETHER HE COMMITTED
BANK AND/OR TAX FRAUD, RUMOR HAS IT THE INVESTIGATION HAS PUT
PRESSURE ON HIS ORGANIZATION'S C.F.O. AND MAN WHO SOLD HIS
LIKENESS TO MAKERS OF CARDBOARD PIZZA BOXES, ALLEN WEISSELBERG. WEISSELBERG HAS RECENTLY BECOME
THE SUBJECT OF A CRIMINAL TAX INVESTIGATION, AND THAT HAS LED
TO SPECULATION THAT HE WILL FLIP ON THE FORMER PRESIDENT. AND THIS GUY HAS THE RECEIPTS. WEISSELBERG IS THE COMPANY'S
HIGHEST-RANKING CORPORATE OFFICER WHO IS NOT A MEMBER OF
THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S FAMILY. AS ALWAYS, THE HIGHEST MEMBER OF
THE FAMILY IS DON JR. WEISSELBERG HAS WORKED FOR THE
FAMILY SINCE THE '70s, BUT THAT'S NEWS TO FELLOW EMPLOYEE
IVANKA. IN A RECENT DEPOSITION, SHE WAS
ASKED ABOUT WEISSELBERG AND SAID THIS ABOUT A MAN SHE HAS WORKED
WITH SINCE 2005: "HE IS THE-- I WOULD HAVE TO SEE
WHAT HIS-- HIS-- I DON'T KNOW HIS EXACT TITLE, BUT HE'S AN
EXECUTIVE AT THE COMPANY." EITHER SHE'S LYING, OR SHE'S SO
SELF-INVOLVED, SHE CAN'T REMEMBER ANYTHING ABOUT PEOPLE
SHE'S KNOWN FOR YEARS. <i> ( AS IVANKA )</i>
"OH, THE TALL, SKINNY ONE WITH THE HAUNTED KEN DOLL EYES? HE IS THE-- THE-- I WOULD HAVE
TO SEE-- I DON'T KNOW HIS EXACT TITLE, BUT HE IS THE FATHER OF
MY CHILDREN AND SLEEPS IN MY BED. I WANNA SAY, BEDMAN?"
WEISSELBERG'S POTENTIAL BETRAYAL IS WEIGHING HEAVILY ON FORMER
PRESIDENT WINNIE THE COUP. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
ACCORDING TO ONE INSIDER, THERE'S DEFINITELY A CLOUD OF
NERVES IN THE AIR. OH, BABY. I LOVE TO WATCH HIM SWEAT. MY MISTAKE, NO, I DON'T. NOW, IT'S NO SURPRISE THE
FORMATION OF THIS GRAND JURY DID NOT SIT WELL WITH CLOWNIGULA. HE PUT OUT A LONG INTERNET POST
CALLING THE INVESTIGATION A WITCH HUNT THAT WAS PURELY
POLITICAL. NOT PURELY. IT'S ALSO EMOTIONAL AND
SPIRITUAL. EVERY ONE OF MY CHAKRAS WANTS
YOU IN JAIL. BUT HOW CAN HE SAY IT'S
POLITICAL WHEN HE'S NO LONGER IN POLITICS? WELL, ACCORDING TO POLITICO,
SIMPLE: FLOAT ANOTHER RUN FOR PRESIDENT. BESIDES, AS ONE AIDE PUT IT,
HE'S MISSING BEING PRESIDENT TERRIBLY. IT MAKES SENSE, HE DID SPEND
FOUR YEARS BEING PRESIDENT TERRIBLY. ( PLAYING "HAIL TO THE CHIEF" )
>> THROW HIM IN THE SLAMMER SLAM! >> Stephen: THAT EXPLAINS WHY
TANGERINE PALPATINE HAS BEGUN CRAFTING A POLICY AGENDA
OUTLINING A MAGA DOCTRINE FOR THE PARTY. AND TO DO THAT, HE'S TEAMED UP
WITH FORMER SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE AND MAN MAKING HIS SELECTION
FROM THE WIFE TANK AT RED LOBSTER, NEWT GINGRICH. NEWT IS ON BOARD BECAUSE THE NEW
LEGISLATIVE TEMPLATE IS SAID TO BE MODELED ON GINGRICH'S
"CONTRACT WITH AMERICA." OR IN THE CASE OF THESE TWO MEN,
"THE PRE-NUP WITH AMERICA." THE ORIGINAL "CONTRACT WITH
AMERICA" IS FROM 1994, WHICH WAS BILL CLINTON'S FIRST TERM. SO THIS IS A TOTAL THROWBACK. WHICH EXPLAINS THE FIRST PROMISE
OF THE CONTRACT IS ARREST TONYA HARDING
THIS REVAMPED "CONTRACT WITH AMERICA" IS STILL IN ITS
INFANCY, BUT WE KNOW IT PROMISES TO ADDRESS THE USUAL G.O.P. GRIEVANCES, LIKE ABOLISHING THE
"1619 PROJECT" -- WHICH, AS A REMINDER, IS A SUPPLEMENT OF
"THE NEW YORK TIMES," SO NOT REALLY UNDER FEDERAL
JURISDICTION. IT'S THE EQUIVALENT OF RUNNING
FOR OFFICE ON THE PROMISE OF ABOLISHING MARMADUKE. WHEN WILL WE SEE THIS PERFECT,
BEAUTIFUL POLICY PAPER? WELL, GINGRICH SAID IT SHOULDN'T
BE EXPECTED UNTIL CLOSER TO THE MIDTERM ELECTIONS, BECAUSE THE
WORLD KEEPS CHANGING AND EVOLVING. YES, THE WORLD IS CHANGING FAST,
SO THEY WILL NEED TIME TO CHOOSE THE MOST UP-TO-DATE SOLUTIONS
FROM 27 YEARS AGO. OH, SPEAKING OF NUMBERS, IT IS
DAY 127 OF BIDEN AT THE PRESIDENTIAL WHEEL. SO FAR, JOE HAS BEEN DRIVING
EXACTLY LIKE YOU WOULD EXPECT A 78-YEAR-OLD-- SLOWLY, WITH HIS
LEFT TURN SIGNAL ON THE WHOLE TIME. BUT THAT COULD ALL COME TO AN
END, THANKS TO AN EXPLOSIVE BEHIND-THE-CURTAINS LOOK AT THE
BIDEN PRESIDENCY IN "THE WASHINGTON POST" THIS WEEK. NOW REMEMBER, THIS IS THE
JOURNALISTIC POWERHOUSE THAT BROUGHT DOWN NIXON WITH THEIR
WATERGATE REPORTING AND WON A PULITZER FOR HOW THEY EXPOSED
THE LAST PRESIDENT'S SHADY BUSINESS DEALS. SO WHAT HAS THE "DEMOCRACY DIES
IN DARKNESS" PAPER DUG UP ON JOSEPH R. BIDEN? BIDEN'S PREFERRED LUNCH IS A
SOUP AND A SALAD-- USUALLY A CHOPPED SALAD WITH GRILLED
CHICKEN. AND HE IS PARTIAL TO ORANGE
GATORADE AND COKE ZERO. "THE WASHINGTON POST" JUST BROKE
THE BIGGEST STORY OF THE YEAR: THIS PRESIDENT LIKES SALAD, IN
WHAT MANY ARE CALLING WATERCRESS-GATE. HE SAID, NOT TURNING IN TIME. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
CHECK OUT THIS SMOKIN' HOT NEWS NUGGET. INSIDERS CLAIM BIDEN HAS STOCKED
THE OUTER OVAL OFFICE WITH SALT WATER TAFFY. THERE'S NOTHING MORE OLD MAN
THAN SALTWATER TAFFY-- UNLESS IT'S EATING SALTWATER TAFFY
WHILE WATCHING "MATLOCK" ON HIS JITTERBUG TABLET. A LONG-TIME CONFIDANTE OF THE
PRESIDENT REVEALED THAT BIDEN WOULD CARRY WITH HIM, NOT QUITE
A LUNCH PAIL, BUT IT'S HIS LITTLE BAG OF STUFF. SO IF HE GETS PECKISH IN A
MEETING, HE CAN HAVE SOMETHING HEALTHY, OFTEN A PROTEIN BAR OR
A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH. PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY IN A
LUNCH PAIL? JOE, PICK A LANE: ARE YOU AN OLD
MAN OR A LITTLE KID? BECAUSE ONE LONGTIME ADVISOR
DISCLOSED THAT HE HAS THE TASTES OF A 5-YEAR-OLD, MEANING IT IS
POSSIBLE HE CHOSE PETE BUTTIGIEG AS TRANSPORTATION SECRETARY
BECAUSE HE COULDN'T HAVE THOMAS THE TANK ENGINE. THOUGH, HONESTLY-- SAME BASIC
VIBE. THAT'S NOT THE ONLY SCOOP THAT
"THE WASHINGTON POST" ENSCOOPIFIED. YOU SEE, DURING THE CAMPAIGN, AN
ADVISOR REVEALED THAT BIDEN WOULD REGALE AIDES WITH HUMAN
INTEREST TIDBITS FROM APPLE NEWS, LIKE WORLD'S LARGEST MOTH,
AND JAPANESE WOMAN IS 119 YEARS OLD. AND HE'S LIKE, "OH, CAN YOU
BELIEVE THIS JAPANESE WOMAN IS 119 YEARS OLD? CAN YOU IMAGINE WHAT SHE'S
SEEN?" THE ADVISER SAID, SPEAKING ON THE CONDITION OF
ANONYMITY. OH, YOU HAVE TO STAY ANONYMOUS
WHEN YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT SENSITIVE INFORMATION LIKE THIS. OTHERWISE, YOU'RE THE FIRST
PERSON THE POLICE SUSPECT WHEN THE WORLD'S OLDEST WOMAN TURNS
UP DEAD. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
SPEAKING OF DEAD PEOPLE: NOBEL PRIZE-WINNING AUTHOR AND GUY
WHO'S OFFERING TO LET YOU INVEST IN HIS C.B.D. SODA, JOHN
STEINBECK. TURNS OUT YEARS BEFORE HIS MOST-
CELEBRATED WORK, STEINBECK WROTE A FULL-LENGTH MYSTERY WEREWOLF
STORY ENTITLED "MURDER AT FULL MOON." IT'S NOT SURPRISING-- MOST OF
HIS WORKS HAD WEREWOLF THEMES. REMEMBER THIS FAMOUS SCENE IN
"THE GRAPES OF WRATH"? >> WHEREVER THERE'S A FULL MOON,
I'LL BE THERE. WHEREVER THERE'S A GUY WALKING
HOME ALONE AT NIGHT, I'LL BE THERE. AND I'LL RIP HIM APART, BECAUSE
I'M A WEREWOLF! <i> ( HOWLS )</i>
>> Stephen: SO WHERE'S THE WEREWOLF STORY BEEN? TURNS OUT THIS NOVEL WAS
REJECTED AND HIDDEN AWAY SINCE 1930, AT THE BEHEST OF THE
AUTHOR AND HIS ESTATE, AT THE UNIVERSITY OF TEXAS. BUT NOW, A BRITISH ACADEMIC IS
CALLING FOR THE STEINBECK ESTATE TO FINALLY ALLOW ITS
PUBLICATION. OKAY, FIRST OF ALL, IT'S QUITE
CLEAR THAT STEINBECK NEVER WANTED ANYONE TO READ THIS BOOK. AND, SECOND, CAN WE PLEASE READ
THIS BOOK? I'VE GOT TO KNOW WHAT IT'S
ABOUT. IS THE WEREWOLF AN EXPLOITED
MIGRANT WORKER? DOES THE WEREWOLF HAVE A LARGER
WEREWOLF FRIEND WHO'S NOT ALL THERE AND ACCIDENTALLY KILLS
RABBITS? TELL ME ABOUT THE WEREWOLF,
GEORGE. THE BRITISH ACADEMIC SAYS THE
NOVEL SHOULD BE PUBLISHED BECAUSE THERE WOULD BE A HUGE
PUBLIC INTEREST IN A TOTALLY UNKNOWN WEREWOLF NOVEL BY ONE OF
THE BEST-KNOWN, MOST-READ AMERICAN WRITERS OF THE 20th
CENTURY. YES, AND WHILE WE'RE AT IT,
LET'S PUBLISH ALL THE SECRET MONSTER STORIES BY FAMOUS
AMERICAN AUTHORS LIKE LOUISA MAY ALCOTT'S
"LITTLE MUMMIES," HEMMINGWAY'S "THE OLD MAN AND THE SEA
MONSTER," AND SALINGER'S "FRANNY AND ZOMBIE." WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT. MY GUEST IS WILL ARNETT. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, I TAKE
YOU BEHIND THE SCENES FOR A GRITTY RE-BOOT OF "THE LATE
SHOW" WITH DIRECTOR ZACK SNYDER. STICK AROUND. ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ ♪
