The Best One-Liners From Every Stand-Up Show | Volume 1 | Jimmy Carr

you know why so many American kids die in high school massacres it's because they're not allowed to run in the corridors take your time with that that's wrong on a number of levels it's very I don't know if you've noticed this Birmingham it's very difficult to get the first kiss right you want to be firm but gentle you want to be manly but you don't want to wake her up sometimes you can sense a friend wants to take things further will it ruin the Friendship things get hot and heavy on the sofa one night you think this doesn't feel right you're my best friend you're not even allowed on the couch bad dog down boy at what point and really I'm asking the men at what point do you get paranoid about receiving enlarge your penis emails it's not just me getting them is it it's just I'm currently getting about 10 a day eight of them are from my girlfriend the two from my mom that really hurt it's a rather pitying look you're giving me there mam I I don't need your pity frankly I'm not particularly well hung but I don't mind admitting that I'm not embarrassed or ashamed because I know that any woman that thinks being well hung is important is just shallow maybe that's not quite the right term to use I broke up with a girl once because she lied about her weight I say that she died in a bungee jumping accident you see because she was heavier and has anyone got anything he could be coloring in I a girl with one leg should have used my well I tell you why I've asked you all to come this evening ladies and gentlemen I'd like to talk to you about men that like obese women I'm not talking about men that like women with a full of figure that seems entirely normal natural and right more cushion for the pushing as I believe people say I think that's the expression no I'm talking about men that like women who are can't leave the house fat so I'm not talking about anyone in here this evening unless in order to get out someone had to cut the side of the house off and there was some sort of winch involved I'm not talking about people with water retention I'm talking about people with cake retention people that tell you they've got a thyroid problem you say oh really a thyroid problem what do you taking for that [Applause] pies you know the kind of girl that looks as if she makes a cracking breakfast but wouldn't want to share it with you I saw a thing on TV the other day actually it was on one of these kind of makeover shows that are on during the day they did a makeover on a girl she was 34 Stone like rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic I say a makeover they gave her a fringe is that really going to turn the corner for a girl like that that's what I'm asking I don't think it will I can't imagine the scenario where a guy you know he's drinking in a bar he looks across he sees a girl she's 34 Stone be tough to miss her let's face it he thinks to himself she's a little bit big for me goes back to his drink meanwhile the makeover team are in snip snip snip he looks back he thinks actually I would it's the excuses that get me the excuses are amazing the camera adds £10 stop eating cameras 99% of women kiss with their eyes closed which is why it's so difficult to identify a rapist does anyone know do you know what you meant to do if you're stung by a jellyfish it it yeah piss on it we it's exactly the right answer I didn't know that I got told everyone told me I went on holiday everyone told me if you get stung by a jellyfish you meant to pee on it yeah I'll tell you this much it doesn't work as well on shark bites the boy's family were livid apparently once they've been dead for a couple of hours there is very little you can do no amount of piss he bringing them back it is true urine can be used to disinfect a wound it's it's often taken the wrong way it's why I no longer work with the St John's ambulance come here love that looks nasty he apparently not what anyone wants to see Sting the popular singer Sting's often bragging about his 8-hour night sex sessions with his wife Trudy imagine how long he'd be able to keep it up if she was a looker in Japan they believe that tiger penis improves fertility but I think if you really want to get pregnant you're best off using a man's my best mate's girlfriend is six months pregnant they said you want to feel the baby on reflection I think they meant on the outside they say travel broadens the mind except for with Americans it tends to widen the ass a lot of people quote the fact that only 10% of Americans have passports thing is they say it like it's a bad thing don't get the wrong idea we got nothing against Americans just one came up to me after a show a couple of weeks ago and said he thought it was patronizing I said well I think we find that's pronounced patronizing it means when you talk down to someone don't worry I'm not being condescending I'm far too busy thinking about important things you would understand I'm not sure if you're aware of this did you know you're 10 times more likely to get mugged in London than you are in New York City it's because you don't live in New York City I told my best friend I his wife and got her pregnant that cured his hiccups there are a lot of obese children in Britain today but focus on the positive the pension crisis is over come on those tubby little I'm going to see 40 never mind 65 there quite a lot of young people in if you're young and your parents are getting divorced it can be a very difficult time but remember it's not your fault your mom's a slag it's pretty bad being told you're adopted but not as bad as being told you're going to be adopted I've been described as the hardest working man in comedy not that impressive is it the hardest working man in comedy that's like being the best looking guy in the burns unit no offense to any Burns victims we go in are there only in if there's one there'll be loads they tend to stick together and we're off someone came up to me outside and went I thought you'd be younger I said I was I'm 40 years of age but girls still check me out I wouldn't mind but they're so bloody obvious about it pointing and Whispering stranger danger every night after the show I have attracted women banging on my dressing room door and sometimes I'll let him out I keep on getting mistaken for Alan car so what I've done is I've stopped sucking men off that was my hand symbol for no more I don't quite know what that round of applause was for is that you thinking that's a very funny joke or homosexuality it's just about willpower people often ask me what were you like at school so I tell them I was a little black girl it's about half you laughing half of you thinking was he you would never know wetting your bed is embarrassing as a child but as an adult wetting a child's bed is morti it's almost impossible to explain that away I was in the south of France I saw a brownie on a school trip she was holding up a book it said on the front Rough Guide I thought yeah she's not a looker that's the easiest joke in the show if you don't get that you might as well off now mate 3% of Britain's never leave a tip and they're known as the weirdos that live at the tip a lot of people like to smoke cigarettes after sex but you can't buy cigarettes until you're 16 so I have to get them for both of us I've got a friend that go into an argument with a bid from Sunderland long story short he ended up calling her a fat ugly Jordi and she said I'm no ji I'm no a JY sorry that's a terrible accent but it is how they talk I did give for the Ashling Foundation does anyone know the Ashling Foundation no one well they're quite a small charity based in London they're um they're Irish charity what they do is they take Irish Builders and and navies that came over in the 1950s and 60s and these are older guys they fallen on hard times they give them pensions and retirement homes on the west coast of Ireland and I did a gig for them I thought it was a great charity I went out there I said it's lovely to be here supporting the ashing foundation I've got a new slogan for you off home the roads are finished apparently they're famous for their sense of humor know they're not the other uh the other uh charity that I did a gig for last year was um Stonewall you know Stonewall the largest gay charity in Europe I did a gig to them up in Edinburgh I went on I said it's lovely to be here in Edinburgh I'm not sure about supporting Stonewall sure maybe if we raise enough money maybe one day we'll be able to find a cure but I'm not sure there's anything wrong with being gay that was pretty much their reaction although they were slightly more theatrical I don't want to sound callous or unkind or cruel but the children of Courage Awards how much courage does it take to get poorly all I'm saying is maybe we could just change the name to the children of horrible Misfortune that way we could include ugly children as well if anyone sitting there thinking I really didn't like that joke I don't like the subject matter I didn't think it was very funny imagine how it went down at the great Street Gara hello I'm Jimmy car and that was that was an old clip of me that happened in the past uh when I was funny I'm still funny now come and see me live on tour join in IRL yeah kids

Channel: Jimmy Carr

Views: 302,812

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Id: UYwQ7s-aXiU

Length: 11min 55sec (715 seconds)

Published: Wed Aug 30 2023