-Whoa. I am pretty sure you
shouldn't have a weapon at work. -Literally everything is
a weapon, son. That folder, in my hands, is far
deadlier than this bow in yours. -Oh, that's...probably true. So, Leslie and I just finished
putting together our will, and she wants you
to be the witness. You mind signing it? -That's your will?
You need that many pages to say, "Give my stuff to my wife" -It's a complicated
legal document. -It doesn't have to be. I've had the same will
since I was eight years old. -"Upon my death,
all of my belongings shall transfer to the man
or animal who has killed me. What are these weird symbols? -The man who kills me will know. -Okay, you should
really have a will that's more than
one sentence long. You have a wife and kids now I could introduce you
to our lawyer. -The three most useless jobs
in the world are, in order lawyer, congressman, and doctor.
Pass. -Ron, that document is nothing
It's not even notarized. You know, if you die,
and you don't have a real will most of what you own will go
to the government. -Where is this lawyer
you speak of? -All right, just let me
do the talking here, okay? I mean, he's a lawyer,
I'm an accountant. We speak the same language I mean, obviously, accountants
are a little more bad boy, but, uh,
there's a respect there. -When will this be over?
-Hey, Trevor. I've been talking to Ron
about estate planning, and he is here to do
some "Good Will Hunting".. because he has to draw up
a new will, so -- -Yes, I understood, Mr. Wyatt.
Thank you. As I've said before,
I just don't like puns. -Oh, well, my accountant friends
seem to enjoy 'em. -Mr. Swanson, let's begin
by filling out this form, listing your assets
and liabilities. -Nice try.
I'm not telling you how much money I have,
where it's hidden, or which precious metals
and/or gemstones it may or may not
take the form of. -If you don't give me
the information I need, there's nothing I can do.
-Oh, come on, Trevor. Where there's a "Will,"
there's a way. -I'm gonna say this
one last time, Wyatt. Check the accountant crap
at the door. -Yes, sir, I will. Unintentional. -I don't even need an
exact number. Just ballpark it That's all I need
to get started. -Or I'm sure the state
government would love to use your money
to hire more bureaucrats, maybe build a library. -Fine! A ballpark figure. -Thank you. God. Holy [bleep] Is this a joke? -Another word
for "jokes" is "lies." I do not lie.
Therefore, I do not joke. -Mr. Swanson,
an estate of this size means that your children
would never have to work a day in their lives. This is going to take some time. Trusts need to be drawn,
tax shelters. -That's enough. I do not need
some drawn-out legal expedition to tell me what I knew
when I was eight. Here's my original will. Do whatever lawyer nonsense
you have to to make it official, and I will sign it.
Good day. -Wait.
What are all these symbols -[ Chuckles ] I was right
not to be threatened by you. -We need to talk. -That has never been true. -I think I know
what's happening. Thinking about how
to divide up your possession for when you die, it's tough
confronting your own mortality and I think it's got you
spinning a little bit. Am I right? -Wow. I had not considered that. Yes, I think that maybe you are
on to something. -Yeah. Just know
that it's perfectly health to be thinking about -- Oh, you're joking.
-Yes, son, I am. First joke ever. Don't care for it. Death does not scare me. What I am worried about is
spoiling my children. I don't want 'em to be the kind
of people who never work, live off their trust funds
who buy their wooden furniture I will leave my children
$50 apiece for the cab home from my funeral
and a steak dinner, end of discussion. -Okay. I mean, look,
it doesn't matter how much money
you leave your kids. What matters is that you teach
them the right values. But if
something horrible happens and you want your kids to be
left alone with no safety net, just so they can learn
some kind of weird lesson, then, by all means,
leave your fortune to the wild boar
who gores you to death. -I'd never lose to a boar. Benjamin, after thinking
about what you said, I've decided to leave each
of my children 5% of my fortune. -Wow, 5 whole percent. So, I guess you are gonna
teach them a lesson. Oh, my God. That's 5%? That is a lot of money. Wait, is this a joke? -It is not a joke. Not that an accountant
would know the difference. -Also, if something
should happen to Diane and me, we decided
that the kids should go to the most important people
in our lives. -Ron, I'm --
I'm incredibly flattered. -Ralph Piatkowski
and his wife, Helen. He's the Maitre D'
at Mulligan's Steakhouse, and he knows me better
than anyone. However, if they are
not able to do it, which seems likely,
as they're in their 90s, you and Leslie are
choice number two. -I'm honored.
