The best of Hignfy series 64

[Applause] goodbye to Boris Johnson and look back at his life and career as a father husband journalist mayor of London husband foreign secretary father prime minister father husband and father this show by the way has been billed by the BBC's a tribute tribute funny way to spell good riddance well I hope it's going to be balanced oh yeah absolutely yeah oh if it isn't Valentine to flounce off and join a podcast Ian flounce do you do a good flounce better than I thought it would be actually yeah who or what is pop at Eaton it's a society of Eaton and they vote for a very small group of people to belong to this thing and it means they can wear a waistcoat yes and then they can join the cabinet [Applause] it looks like I'm wearing a wig then I look like Angus Dean so Ian and Paul you must have been delighted that your master plan to make Boris celebrity succeeded yes I thought proving that he couldn't even run a panel show would immediately mean that people would say he should run the country and so it happened just like that I'm only here because I want to be home secretary [Music] Paul and Janet well I think this program has hit a new low where on a show dedicated to Boris Johnson you're showing us a picture of Boris Johnson and asking us to identify who it is he pointedly said that his departure was the will of the conservative parliamentary party so there must have been uproar amongst voters across the country should we see some of them yes I don't look too sad exactly didn't even know he resigned I've just finished work so well that's a bit of good news for the day I suppose isn't it what you think about Boris Johnson resigning today I wanted to go he's a pain in the ass [Laughter] that man should be giving his own sitcom yeah he's just after nearly everybody else in the entire government had resigned yeah Michael gave rang him up and said I think perhaps you should go and Johnson said you're fine Michael Gove who first told Johnson to quit on that fateful Wednesday uh giving him an ultimatum to resign by 9 pm leading to Boris sucking go over 859 which is a horrible thing to do until you remember it was Michael going did it too just after Boris Johnson resigned the times reported one cabinet minister referred to him as a cosmic [ __ ] [Applause] tribute this program he went on maneuvers with some Ukrainian forces [Applause] it just looks like one of the soldiers brought his Nan along laughs people shouldn't be Associated about channel five they devote considerable time to investigations about lap dancing don't knock lap dancing it's uh how many people get into show business isn't that right Phil good to see you again yeah being welcome to have I got news for you after a two-week break anything big happened pulled a few strikes off okay I would like to say that when I die I wouldn't like the same level of fuss no I understand your things but really I wouldn't I wouldn't I'd queue for a minute well just to see it happen just to check your date yeah make sure it's nice when your straight man turns on you [Laughter] sadness that makes us attack each other yeah more frustration for King Charles as he drops his fountain pen and it rolls under the sofa foreign [Laughter] apparently just appeared in Westminster Hall on Sunday like a haunting exactly without having spent the previous 36 hours queuing but Holly and Phil were accused of going there to make a piece and then just going in anyway there's a huge petition yeah people have signed it stopped them jumping cues I'd say a don't jump in cues and B the death penalty is there a queue to sign the petition I tried to sign it but this stinking pinned [Applause] the police apparently had to search everyone's bag in the queue according to one of those in the queue a policeman revealed that while searching a woman's bag he found in it a pleasantry even a pleasantly you don't keep anything the pleasantry is the thing is a vibrator mix so it was a long queue and David Beckham was there so he was absolutely Furious not to be invited President Putin you can't imagine why he wasn't invited yes I'd hardly murdered anyone in Britain it was a snub it was if we'd had it in Salisbury Cathedral he'd gone Liz trust she made an impact didn't she what she made an impact on her first big public outing let's see how these eagle-eyed Australian TV presenters covered her arrival now hard to identify maybe minor Royals members of the uh at this point everyone unfortunately look like but I think we are now getting to the pointy end as they say of the I'm just told that was Liz trust the new prime minister in the distance thank you very much take a look at this start this is the news with all forgotten Liz trust is prime minister nice conservative commentator Matthew Paris offered trust and support he said that this trust era won't be a disaster just a mess Grandmaster hand Neiman was accused of cheating last week after he hammered the world number one Magnus Carlson with a suspiciously Flawless performance how is Neiman alleged to have cheated isn't it anal beads that's right what yeah beads that sort of so like communicated Morse codes what queen's a bishop for eign look at the focus on that man's face this man has things in his bottom left right which tell him how to win I think they were like computerized anal beads well I wouldn't want somebody that was manually operated yes so I've got a bit of string and someone just tapping it does anybody mind if I sit next to this curtain person that's been doing the moves playing chess instead of him what do you need this bozo forward beats shoved up he's Jackie why did you get the real joking has the world gone mad it's a very good point yeah cutting out the middle of the middle man exactly yeah inequality sometimes you get the beads sometimes you get the table our 3D Special A fungi magazine was so popular that it's been brought back so we have a little look at some of the featured fungi Yeah by all means well you'll need these 3D glasses are fantastic look at that let's let's take a look at the first one and another one that God's coming at me isn't it yeah this has been the highlight of my week that says and for those of you at home who don't have 3D glasses here's what a 3D mushroom not that you can tell you 2D TV conformist watching pricks [Applause] isn't it that was our audience yeah people with depression in Brussels are offered what to cheer them up animal beads might work yeah it could be a guy to Brussels you could shove it up your ass turn left ear Airline offers passengers free what mid-flight the anal beads are telling me something very much mistake and the answer is Newport pagnell and in Blackpool one woman and her ventriloquist dummy queue up for Britain's Got Talent serious thing I've seen all night so it's not any chess players who have anal beads yeah certainly everybody else did say this is going to be a disaster and and the new prime minister I mean who knows if she'll be prime minister when this repeat goes out but you perfectly well she fired her Chief civil servants at the treasury she told everybody who disagreed with her you're wrong I'm right and she said let the market decide I mean it's amazing record isn't it she's tanked the entire British economy in her first active working week times called last Monday a day of turmoil Daily Star had Honey I Shrunk The quids the new European just went with this oh that's the troops who've been called out bye you're not coming back oh and this is fun You're a murderer no you are he's ordered another 300 000 eligible men to be called up to fight what's the response well it's been awful I mean there's one wife who just said I will break both of my husband's legs to stop him going and you go both you don't need to do both like one would do well the Daily Mail has reported that one of the most Googled Search terms in Russia this week has been how to break your own arm about openly criticizing the war in Ukraine well you tend to fall out of a window shortly afterwards this is exactly the right answer yes most people end up dead if they do that including the oil oligarch Ravel maganov who was found dead after falling from a hospital window energy businessman Ivan peckerin died after falling off a speeding boat and another unnamed Russian billionaire recently fell down the stairs of his bungalow it is the news the national board of flying satellites around things and have started smashing things into exactly stop there go on keep going good yes it's like a cup of Tea's eye view of a biscuit biscuit coming in for a dunk am I the biscuit or the cup of tea where's the other neither right neither we are we're just looking as if from the cup of yeah we are the cupboards we're all in there it is whole meal uh anyway well the big question is did it work yes too soon to say all right then too soon to say Nasa say they will study the course of the asteroids yes it's gonna take them two years to study this well I told you in five seconds what's the latest bad news for Harry and Megan is it the website they they were quite high on the royal family website now they're right at the bottom right terms and conditions pretty much right oh they really are at the bottom oh there he is yeah just about prince Andrew but below the Duke of Gloucester if you click on that it takes to a very specialist website the Duke of Gloucester of course famous for one particular thing and is this an insulated roof or just [Applause] she's looking like that's the one question I wish you hadn't asked me ask he left Heathrow to visit the toilet in Tajikistan little more than a glorified [ __ ] he threw his major is Britain's major airport oh I better do that one again left Heathrow to visit the toilet in Tajikistan little more than a glorified [ __ ] that's Heathrow for you Third Time Lucky I just do you think his question's got yeah you don't need to do it now you've done anything I don't know we'll do it for fun do it for fun Joe Masky left Heathrow to visit the toilet in Tajikistan a little more than a glorified [ __ ] Heathrow is Britain's major airport which means at the end of the end of this round if they use that take it's going to be very odd for the people at home going like those people in the audience hate Heathrow so much anti-growth Coalition it's an imaginary group of enemies if you are doing very very badly in the polls and you have no ideas traditionally you invent an enemy you just list everybody and say they're anti-growth they're anti-hur I mean if she thinks she is some sort of growth the anti-growth Coalition included labor the lib Dems and the SNP The Daily Mail said number 10 won't rule out Jamie Oliver what else has Elon Musk been trying to solve he's been trying to solve the Ukraine Russian war and then there was a bit of a backlash people saying this isn't helping hugely and what did the Ukrainian ambassador to Germany say in response [ __ ] off [ __ ] off he also said that no ukrainians from now on would ever buy that Tesla electric car it was another swear word oh ah Tesla [ __ ] wagon [Applause] that was it yeah you tried getting an mot on one of them it's cheating cheating in games the chess man who we did last week yes who had the beads that helped him he's been cheating again you just want to talk about anal beads again no I want to talk about the venerable bead should I this is the news that the poker world has been rocked by accusations of cheating a poker player has been accused of cheating by having a vibrating device hidden on her body that doesn't make sense to me if you've got a good strong hand why would you need a vibrator woman spotted on Google Street View in exactly the same place she was nine years ago the pictures 2009 and 2018. which is that's a traffic lights where do you want it to be standing in the middle of the road what turns up 42 years too late woman waiting at traffic lights I can't believe that was a story woman crosses the road twice in nine years yeah man who what did it to prove people wrong oh tank the economy a common misconception about Dr Dance's newsletter is that it has a big what I'm gonna take board because it is to do with the size of its Personnel a common misconception about doctor doctor is that it has a big team of research staff just as good as board some sort of Ox sort of kind of prejudice coming in here like this because you walked across the quadrangle together wearing mortar boards in a jaunty angle I'm going to go into television after do this I'm so flattered do you think I was there at the same time [Applause] ah dear that's made by Night Queen Victoria was a pioneer of drunk texting this is the news that a cache of letters written by Queen Victoria a cash cash really yes I think so oh I wasted my time this is the news that a bundle of letters written by Queen [Music] experts believe she may have been drunk at the time of writing and used abbreviations similar to today's text message one of the letters read the queue wishes to know the height of the gypsy's male donkey followed by aubergine aubergine chair leg yeah what on Earth are you talking about [Applause] before we go there's just time for the caption competition if we take the rectangle on the left as being nine years ago this is a woman in the middle is in exactly the same position because she's standing by traffic lights and at Dover Castle a seagull spots a dropped chip at the worst possible moment [Applause] that's the Prime Minister a time of recording it's not going very well she's had another very very bad week the economy has Tanked and a lot of people I mean obviously not me have said it's because her and her Chancellor are useless in fact it's the fault of a number of other people it's the obr and the IRA [Laughter] I think she's got a plan in is there something that we've overlooked here that she may have no the fact that you guys are 90 000 points ahead in the poll yeah does that not scare them they don't know [Applause] Duncan Smith you talk about Nadine Dora she's been writing in the mail what has she been writing about Boris Johnson she's always on about Boris Johnson and it's always what are you suggesting I'm suggesting she loves Barry's job how much loads Boris has been taking part in some other activities though we've got pictures and everything come on if this is a picture of a Boris comeback the ball's clearly got into the mail for the bloke standing behind him looks like he's gone into his mouth and now it's coming out of his ass you had the phone call from Mr starmer not about that no not this week no I've not had a call okay you got to call about something else occasionally calls me but what does he says hello pointed towards someone else Boris and Nadine yeah how did we find out that Liverpool were the host it was announced yes it wasn't out some of us watch TV some of us read it in the papers exactly perhaps on the internet even on the internet I think different for different people we're now going to go through all the entire audience yes exciting that we're hosting it do you think we'll get Sam Ryder back to do our song this year oh yes I've seen this program before I did the UK votes once for Eurovision oh my God best thing I've ever done you've made it our 12 points go to Georgia was she singing [Applause] this is the full English breakfast which an academic this week has said isn't very English and most of the constituents in it don't come from England and what about the traditional Christmas dinner right the potatoes are from Peru the turkeys are from Mexico the carrots are from Afghanistan and the Brussels sprouts are from Belgium and the gravies from the Moon who's listening I'm listening to this bloke for also it isn't like the individual Parts it's The Ensemble exactly like God's saying I use a good English word yeah [Laughter] I'd go around his ass and stick a couple of sausage up his letterbox Hey where's that come from mate and away from the pressures of government for the first time in years quasi-quarting can finally be himself again it's anything [Applause] this is the last prime minister but three he's always been a bell end I suppose this is just the unbelievable news that Liz truss was prime minister and now she's gone in fact her whole career was one enormous U-turn she walked into a Downing Street straight out again what do you think the foreign media are making of all of this apparently we used to have quite a good reputation in the world for stability and so I understand that's now gone well we can find out what they think let's find out her position is so is so clearly on an edge it sparked this question can Liz truss Outlast the 10-day shelf life of a lettuce I'm [ __ ] furious I think if she 'd made normal expressions with her face instead of going people would have actually been a bit warmer towards her her whole manner is just like so weird uh birthdays birthdays the BBC the other day was 100 years old I agree yeah I've been good oh [ __ ] what was that oh my God my coils just falling out I've been feeding the chocolate biscuits for the last hour there's another media anniversary being celebrated Channel 4's 40th birthday but and it's difficult to phrase this question any other way what do you think of my massive [ __ ] I know I wonder what was creating the shadow this is actually a program yeah there it is my massive C dot dot k well it's a bit later give us that now isn't it I haven't seen it I seen it myself is it an agricultural program actually about the problems of living with a massive [ __ ] or prime ministers ladies and gentlemen to round two the one-armed Bandit of news fingers on the buzzers team I'm glad it I wonder what it was for a minute yeah yeah as soon as you've spent the last 10 minutes boasted about foreign got a bad review this week there was a New York restaurant Balthazar is it called yeah he'd been there a couple of times and complained uh about the service it's a very foolish mistake to complain in a restaurant yes I knew some no I'm not even going to say I'm gonna say but I knew someone that used to piss in the soup when I ordered pea soup I didn't think [Applause] thank you oh this is dogs can sense our mood they can smell incompetence they must have been barking their heads off for the last 24 hours cats can make a similar judgment about people can they well hang on hang on oh he's got compelling evidence thank you have a look at compelling evidence that's one of the roles he's been allowed to keep Keeper of the dog someone was checking on them yeah we don't want a grooving Scandal to me oh my God oh couple have wedding video ruined by pooping seagull yeah this is the wedding of Rachel and Andrew whose wedding video starts like this [Laughter] oh don't you just love a white wedding so we've got another prime minister yeah and I think this program goes out in time for that to be an accurate statement it's a nice change for us I mean she's quite a lot different from Liz truss although they apparently share the same programmer and I will work day in day out to deliver for the British people normally ex-prime ministers can look forward to a career of sort of making big speeches and being paid lots of money to do this and travel around America and is this is she going to get the same deals do you think no I think there are a lot of rotary clubs it could be quite a wee Memoir yeah I want my hours shall I describe what's happening back it up I guess yeah why is the Fiesta being scrapped it's no good cost and the fact that people don't want to drive small cars anymore don't they yeah does anyone else think cars are too wide yeah they had to uh widen a traffic calming Bollard recently and the drivers struggle to get through it have a look cars continually hitting the same that last one was a police car Ian what would you eat if you were a white fan driver this marvelous bar isn't there called a Yorkie thank you enough around the fryer oh yes this is the news that Prince Harry has got someone to write a book for him what's he going to include in the book well apparently it's a really upbeat version of his life so far it's celebrating the role of the monarchy he's happy marriage it's a real feel-good book hopefully he includes as well a story about how he nearly drowned when he was wallowing in his own self-pity [Applause] Royal standings and why are they a problem who are they they're um Alan titchmarsh Bill and Holly they queued up to get that job we're still good to look at wax what likenesses I always think that you outside it isn't it no they're not real people Joe Biden has announced that he's going to run again for president although you can barely walk but he's going to run which will make him quite old but you know the alternative might be rather Grimmer than that the Washington Post noted that the U.S president was trying to show he's still with it by engaging in public displays of outdoor activity yeah so here he is out cycling in the summer deal with their aging politicians oh in a slightly more dignified way than the Americans by gently leading them out of the room yeah on my show we make them get naked we did that with Alan Johnson I'm a Home Secretary anyway that's another story I'm not sure president she would come on you did I know I'm desperate where did you take your clothes off on Steph's show no you had to think about it Odin John Major objected he did object to the retelling in the crowd yes because the crown said that Charles was actively trying to get John Major in a plot to force the queen to abdicate which is nonsense John Major was very very busy during his Premiership with other things Edwina Curry is it is Edwina Curry one of heston's dishes bring it up again the other day the G yeah she just not the curry what did she say she said John Major I've had him real event covers a lot of things from sampling some local ills at a Dorset Festival so you met Terry soiling himself in a Weatherspoon are you suggesting that Ian has a mate called Tim yeah me and him down spoons [Laughter] of course I have what sort of person do you think you've been in a pub yeah but his answers are always no so like I was in the spoons the other night what did you drink oh this is a bar man gets chip implanted in his hand that allows him to what masturbate furiously man gets chip implanted in his hands that allows him to pay for his shopping oh I still think that masturbating furiously should have got bigger laughs I expected to get a hand anyway yeah I better leave it alone is that what your mum said to you she said leave it alone otherwise you'll go no it doesn't matter yeah thank you turns out not an old wage tail here Britain's Dulles man sells calendars featuring his favorite car parks that's nice yeah this is a car park representing the month of March now I would show you April but unfortunately the photo was taken at the peak of the dogging season a question for Ian we prefer not to talk about it oh God it's Matt Hancock returning to Australia oh and he's running oh two thumbs up that's nice from sowella DeVille she's been home secretary twice and she's just a Six-Day Gap in the middle yeah I mean obviously she inherited an appalling situation so you've got to from the previous Home Secretary exactly yes going well we're just cleaning up the mess of the people before it's sort of got the energy of like somebody who's still blaming their bad mood for the ex-wife that left them 12 years ago so who is having a fantastic energy crisis uh BP and shell yes BP they've just declared a seven billion pounds profit that's almost as much as the glazers owners of Manchester United I'm indebted to you I was thinking people replacing windows are doing that they've been conducting War game-like scenarios to see what would happen in power blackouts well that's easy it would be like this oh oh you can't read this program a glimpse of the future is this BBC cut actually this would save quite a lot of energy doing the show in the dark has anyone got any energy saving tips that they'd like to share yes put it on radio show could get any more depressing have we been telling people it's a miserable life and we're the planet's doomed they now can't see us saying it well you know what with the lights off this joke just gets funnier let's get the lights back on I'm leaving machines have been phased out they are not in my office to be honest you still got a drawer full of quills I honestly don't think I've ever used one no no how old are you 28. I suppose you wouldn't oh right let's just go okay it's now your turn excellent it's your first chance ever I suspect to take a penalty um get in your head that's ridiculous Paul it's now your turn right great okay let's get with that I didn't even get a job nothing in this there's nothing in it no there's a battery for the line it's wireless that yeah yeah no right useless is the thing you're looking for cleverly advised lgbtq plus fans visiting Qatar to show a little bit of flex and compromise it's unbelievable um and it's all about money and you've got Mainline celebrities going over there for huge checks you know you've got people like Robbie going out there to sing which I must say I'm very surprised at given all the comments that Robbie Williams has made in the past about gay rights the fact that he's going out there to sing for them is extraordinary I don't know what's happened to people you know Robbie Williams well yes okay um yeah but you know David Beckham don't you yeah yeah he's going in he yeah yeah how much has he been paid I don't know you do that it's more than me yeah Ian is it coming home what your reputation um the others have been very gentle with you Gary but I mean thanks the elephant in the room is still there I mean you're you're commentating there aren't you yeah I'm commentating that and what's the defense football term commentating there well you've got a choice I think haven't you what going or not going well my view always has been that you either highlight the issues and challenges in these countries and speak about them or you basically don't say anything you stay back home and don't go and I've always said we should challenge there's another option you stay at home and highlight the abuses you don't have to go and take the qatari's money I'm not trying to be tossing but I mean it's just it's not a very good defense and how how is someone like Robbie or the black eyed pea supposed to highlight it are they going to make a speech on the stage of course then you can highlight it what during a match the kick off here in this appalling country human rights record and honestly I think oh someone's kicking a ball but honestly the amount of immigrant workers who've died it's a shocker oh it's a goal what was right is actually we came together with our allies okay interview terminated because you won't answer the question good luck but um they are they are shocking aren't they what they've got very good at doing now is giving you the answer to a question you haven't asked so you might say what are you going to do about inflation I'll tell you what I am focused on so police officer manages to identify serial Robert by what it was his ass wasn't it yes he was wearing um SpongeBob pants no Richard this is a dream you bet all is correct police officer managers I've seen their ass before I've been able to recognize people I went to school with you know years later but not by the chin it was their ass but we have to make our own entertainment in them days next one what kept in a cage because it's so rare a successful prime minister what costs more than a ticket to the World Cup final your conscience so the final scores are in amazing have 17 points and Paul and Richard have 13 points wait wait wait wait wait wait no that's not right we have VAR yeah let's have a look at the VR going second store they're checking the score oh I'm sorry and it turns out you're offside for most of round two Sylvia has awarded the win to Paul but before we go there's just time for the caption competition so do you think Gary's right to go foreign

Channel: str1tsa

Views: 324,316

Keywords: hignfy

Id: MtgJ6t7tfGY

Length: 41min 28sec (2488 seconds)

Published: Tue Mar 07 2023