HIGNFY S40E01 Benedict Cumberbatch, Victoria Coren & Jon Richardson

i'm trying to gauge the temperature i'm trying to look glamorous but i quite want to put on a cardigan and i it's quite i'm trying to work out whether i'm more likely to be cold with fear or hot with embarrassment let's do a straw poll party on or off i think if you look at me you'll find that the choice between cardigan and looking sexy does not have to be made right guys ah [Music] [Applause] [Music] good evening and welcome to have i got news for you i'm benedict cumberbatch in the news this week to show there are no hard feelings david miliband takes his brother ed for a ride in his new speedboat at the commonwealth games organizers gather for the closing ceremony and breathe a sigh of relief that nothing truly disastrous happened too soon and in tokyo inventors of the latest high tech toy the kickbot admit it may have been a mistake to base the software on the england team's recent performance using techniques i learned filming sherlock holmes i can instantly deduce that the woman on ian's team is a columnist presenter and poker player how you may ask simply by looking at the card given to me by the researcher it's victoria curran [Applause] similarly on paul's team some comedian bloke what was good last time he was on the show it's john richardson and we start with the bigger stories of the week paul and john take a look at this oh yes this is the ongoing story as we speak of the happy news of the mine has been released although uh apparently viewers are getting rather fed up with the coverage because it's all very similar so the the the last 15 miners are going to be part of a lottery game where they'll be holding up a number and you if you've got the number at home it's your chance to win what was that somebody winning the lottery the people are gradually coming out of the mine one by one yes the ultimate feel-good story about the release of the trapped miners and uh to everyone's delight maybe except for sky news who are probably hoping for at least a couple of tragic deaths the numbers are fascinating because if you look at it there are 33 of the miners and they were released on the 13th of the 10th 2010 which if you take off the 2000 and just add the 10. yes adds up to 33. yeah so so if you if you're thinking of playing chilean miner bingo think of that you know put down number three here comes number 15. first time this week do you know what the uh secrets of events was for each rescued miner they got anything and they took them out yeah they got out of the thing pretty much um and also embrace their relatives then embrace the president yes then go gracias chile to the crowd and then they got the next one up you don't get long in the limelight yeah they're relatives they went their day their thing collapsed and there are some relatives that have been there the whole time which and that's why they've called it camp hope which sounds like a rubbish name until you think the alternative was mine camp not just the the relatives don't forget the mistresses that was the big story a few weeks ago that women were starting to turn up who weren't the wives i assume that's why the miners all came out in sunglasses one of the papers ran with trapped miner has a hook on the side ironically his wife would have got to call his mistress a gold digger i imagine i was quite impressed because i thought you know i don't know what they pay miners out there but three dollars a month and they've been able to support a wife of family and a demanding chilean mistress they've not spent much of the last three months themselves kept their pennies for christmas they do get more attractive the longer they're down there there was a guy who proposed to his wife before this happened and she said no and then she proposed to him while he was trapped which is basically a way of saying you know what i really fancy you when you're buried underground i'll really love you when you're dead i thought it was funny that they kept going on about christmas this was the big promise that they'd be out by christmas yeah which is funny these people have been sort of trapped in a confined space looking at the same faces day after day basically bickering and fighting and trying not to kill each other and now they get to have a family christmas who's coming out of this well [Music] apparently you sorted them into groups and then they play dominoes and they sort of keep fit and yeah they kept fit well i don't i carried on mining as well i'm not if this studio goes down and someone said can you just carry on doing jokes for a few months while we start no um do we know what's going to happen to the mine shaft talking about money to be made from this it's being turned into a theme park fantastic ride in one way it's quite slow the queues are horrendous um it's likely to stay in mind though since the drilling company has discovered massive reserves of gold and silver and copper during the rescue drilling that makes me even more distrusting of the fact that they've found more gold and everyone's going chili's brilliant i smell a rat and the chilean president used to own a tv company i'm just saying if this was an episode of scooby-doo [Music] and i know what you mean though the idea of the company that is responsible for the collapse has found more gold as a result of the collapse and is taking the credit for the rescue look at these guys we got them out of the ground where we put them yeah slightly dodgy what happened to ariel ticona is he is he a father is he he is he's indeed a father his wife gave birth via vt linked to the mineshaft and that's the baby conceived in the same way or what you had to think but ariel tuned in just in time to see the chilean president leaning into shots to kiss his daughter and the male yeah the day the voice of sanity yes they've criticized the science down hole it's the correct answer but the male criticized the size of the bbc presence there do you know how big it was um they can't find a tragedy that doesn't involve attacking the bbc end of the world bbc tried to cover it i don't know it's probably about about i mean it's a big story i suppose the bbc sent quite a few people there they're probably moaning about a number of journalists how many journalists they send 12 25 25. that's spot on very good the 24 hour news channels have been enjoying this story but there was just a hint that they might be running out of things to say let's have a look so far the only miner to emerge from the tube with a beard [Applause] so this is the amazing rescue of los 33os the 33 jillian miners one miner who may not be looking forward to returning to the surface is johnny barrios whose wife is furious after finding out he has a mistress well at least for the last 70 days she knows where he's been according to the times the claustrophobic escape capsule takes 15 minutes to travel 700 meters if you want to imagine what that's like take a trip on the northern line and victoria here are yours finishing touches spot the balls oh reservoir postman another marriage hooray we're gonna be in debt for our whole lives oh good where do you want to start a new labour leader that's very exciting let's start on the new labour leader shall we yeah well let's have a look at some of the exciting faces who are in the new labour cabinet first of all i'm worried about this but in my pre-recording anxiety dream somebody asked me the question which one's a vet cooper and which one's theresa may and i woke up screaming it's going to happen now isn't it it is going to happen now victoria yeah who's this it's neither the two people that you feared it might be right i'll give you a clue it's jim murphy is his name and defense yeah it's a it's a good player isn't it i feel like i could always make a guess after the floor like that anybody know who this is is that mary krier hooray how do you know her um i'd read the papers um it's one of those little tricks after 300 years you pick up the same both milibands clegg and cameron these identical i mean imagine being at school with them they'd all be that guy can you imagine being at school with a mean um some of them not ed obviously he went to comprehensive at um when it was you know kinnick and thatcher you knew the difference you can show us 18 pictures of these new cabinet ministers and shadow cabinet ones and i've only got one more who's this phil miliband he's the even older brother he was really cross when they both stood against him um no this is uh ivan lewis here is a familiar face yeah is that the woman that put the cat in the bin no no next this is gillian duffy you've made her sort of french jillian duffy i think yeah she'd be very angry about anything other than anglicizing her name so jillian duffy uh the woman of gordon brown was over her calling bigoted and she was at the labour conference and she took the opportunity to have an in-depth discussion with tony benn let's see how that went two grandchildren i'm concerned of their future settling in for the speech mrs duffy shared her thoughts with tony bennett [Applause] that's the honest response isn't it to the public's opinions clerg and cameron were meant to be different they were meant to be leaders of opposing parties and they're becoming more identical by the day nick leggett keeps saying it's the right government for the right time which i think is just a seedy way to dignify opportunism you know he would have made a pact with the klingons if it meant a sniffer i don't know i think the klingon manifesto was pretty good no no i'm going to disagree here because the clear ones have shown in the past that they're hell bent on world domination so i'm glad the liberal democrats are in there with them and the klingons always get the lib dems to make the policy announcements absolutely they're going to blow up a whole planet they say i'll get the lib dem to announce it the lib dem party in this arrangement is the equivalent of the guy you see on star trek walking around the planet who you've never seen before is the first one to get killed that's the liberal democrats in this scenario new shadow cabinet and anna johnson you've already mentioned um was made shadow chancellor what did he say his first act was going to be he said his first act was going to read up an economics primer yeah i haven't made that up face it just very slightly but that's pretty much exactly what he said pick up a primer economics for beginners you just read your way into the job good luck mate meanwhile at the time two schools have thought on that one is that it's quite embarrassing to have your major office of state given to a man who has uh no math so level and doesn't understand figures but then we did have gordon brown in charge who was an economist and was meant to be very good with figures and we're where we are now so you take your pick i'll go to the postman the economy will recover probably not today maybe lunchtime tomorrow meanwhile at the tory conference eric pickles the new community secretary was there what were people betting pickles would do at some point that week um he'd get his own postal code go uh bloody onion rings uh it was ladbricks and they were offering odds on him being spotted in a curry house in birmingham during the week at the conference and uh what happened well he spotted himself in the curry house and posted the picture on twitter do you reckon when he goes for a curry he sort of says to the way he can have some poppadoms and you haven't got any pickles i think i know the name of the curry house in question edwina's curries there is a restaurant in southeast london called the taste of lewisham which i would say more been tempted to pop in but no there's another restaurant on the way to stoke newington which is to combine the two words of chicken and pizza and they've sort of like shorten them and put them together and the place is called chickpeas there's never anybody in there because no matter how drunk you are you still think chick-fil-a but i'm sure it's lovely in case the lawyer's watching if he's i'm sure the food's awful you all want to know the answer yes we do love me tandoor it could have been poppadom preach [Applause] [Music] that's jim sweeney's joke that's cute hello jimmy are you right according to the daily mail eric pickles did something in william hague's hotel room around 25 years ago anyone remember or know what that was he didn't share a hotel room with him he didn't share a room with him no they would look like sort of playing to trains and automobiles wouldn't they together just imagine haig shouting at him in the morning if you're going to tell us that's a dreadful impression and i'm hoping i immediately retract this entire bit just just swear and then they can't use it ball spanish sorry that's the home and far enough oh no it's uh [Applause] that was a trap it's past 915 they can use it no uh for a prank uh in inverted commerce all those witty tories uh he removed all the furniture from hague's room including the bed so when he got back later that night he had to sleep on the floor it's not known if his driver had to sleep on the floor too how did he remove all the furniture what did he do with it i think he's usually removed in the archaic sense of it and um boris johnson was at the conference too let's have a look at the masterful way boris manages to deflect paxman's questions first by throwing in baffling classical terms and then hijacking the camera now you chose this day of all days on which so many families in this country are going to be losing their child benefit to say let's not be beastly to bankers well i think i i hesitate to accuse you of ignoratio elaine kyle [Music] for the third time for the third time in this interview you know i mean you are paid a very considerable sum by the bbc with the quality of which we have yet to discover [Applause] of course some ministers in the new government rely on rather more everyday terminology than boris's here's children's minister tim laughton being asked about the child benefit cut i'm very happy with the policy that george osborne announced yesterday it's tough it's a difficult choice but it's fair end-all so it doesn't need a review it doesn't need anything looking good end-all you said we uh the children's minister should be in the childish minister [Music] it's horrible when they try and talk the worst part of the whole conference was cameron when he's talking about the football with merkel and he went oh he's just dreadful watching them slot another one past our lads it's like meeting like a girlfriend's dad and having him leaning to go so do you like bums or titties why did david cameron single out to this girl there's something missing in that photograph it's her teeth it is oh is she the girl who gave the money um that she got from the tooth fairy and she sent it in she did she did she offered a pound that she got from the tooth fairy you'd want more than a pound for a gap like that one here nice maybe it's tax avoidance maybe it was one for the government and then another side for me um but she she did it to make the country better and pay for jobs ah quite sweet isn't it yeah don't you feel guilty now mr john yeah i think she actually said if pay for the ops it's sweet that a girl of six still believes in a conservative government um there have been two big policy rounds recently haven't there child benefit yes and um how to pay for higher education and um i mean in one case um you're not going to get it above a certain level and in the other case your children get to pay so um they're both solved end of anyway they've saved a billion pounds okay and they're spending 13 billion on a fortnight of sport in 2012. um and tuition fees raising the cap on fees could mean students incurring twice the debt they currently do it's not funny but it's topical nick clegg's in a bit of a pickle quite funny in one sense well and the lib dem said before the election absolutely we will not raise tuition fees we all pledge we will not raise tuition fees and now as a sign that they've become proper politicians and they've abandoned that pledge and increased tuition fees the man they got to review university uh fees has been given 18 honorary doctorates so he's got no idea what it's like to get a degree because he just keeps getting given them the man they got to investigate uh public finance waste philip green avoided 285 million pounds worth of tax by putting all his assets in his wife's name it's i might as well just get karen matthews to do an investigation into how families could further reach their budget in hard times how can you trust a man whose tax bill is 285 million that's ridiculous i would pay that you pay that because you earned 1.2 billion you fat greedy [ __ ] it's all change in british politics miliband has already appointed a radical new front bench team according to the daily telegraph ed miliband will end up with more women in his cabinet than any british politician in history with the exception of boris johnson when his wife comes home early and they promised me i wouldn't be forced into doing any painful puns in light of a recent incarnation of minus sherlock holmes so without any further ado let's move on to round two the round of the baskervilles buzz when you know what the story is [Music] oh is this toilet yes it's someone crushing my credibility well we can't exactly do a round on the terence ratagan you've just done at the national can we oh thank you very good it would lose us very good thank you very much is it to do with the commonwealth games yes it is i was nearly interested in it this time you know there was loads of scandal and the rooms fell down and there were dogs on the pitch and did you stop watching once the sport began yeah originally in the village they were worried because one of the inspectors said there was excrement where it shouldn't be another great description of your accommodation for the forthcoming weeks um and then the toilet team continued in that a number of the swimmers were ill and had to finish swimming and then run to the toilet 100 yard dash became the 150 yard dash you're right like the organizer of the commonwealth games his speech for the opening ceremony thanked princess diana for going we know one thing about that man he doesn't read the daily express this is this is the commonwealth games obviously which is aims to encourage the spread of democracy human rights world peace and laughing at incompetent foreigners they weren't just in compton though were they i mean they weren't quite so sweet when you saw the attempts to build the stadium on time which involved very very small children they got some children to help it's like blue peter when you send off for a badge to build guide dogs for the blind they say they don't rip their teeth out for cash were there any other problems with scoring and time keeping yes there was problems with scoring and timekeeping one boxer was ruled out of the games as he turned up 24 hours too late and uh somebody else was given a score of 104 in croquet which is technically impossible this is extraordinary though no one could tell 400 meters runner tom drews if he'd qualified for the semi-finals so according to the mirror he had to phone home and ask his mum who was watching it on television he did qualify though didn't he because that would be worse imagine digging into your mum to have to phone your mom say did i qualify according to the sun the commonwealth games kicked off in an explosion of noise and color after which prince charles came out of the lavatory saying i should never have drunk that tap water to boost audiences the organizers gave out thousands of free tickets to primary school children which sadly they couldn't use as most of them couldn't get the time off work figures on buzzers teams [Music] yes um this is the uh the norfolk's in north korea or south korea north korea isn't it yeah he's the uh north korean dictator well i'm not a diplomat i don't have to visit him um this is the uh kim julien whatever his name is and he's he's that's his that's his son now he's had sewn onto his lapel they sat in the korean town square and uh watched these idiots parade and up and down with their boots you know identical marching and stuff you know just just the ludicrous display of conformity yes yeah is pretty much what this is about but let's just get the uh north korean names straight shall we um who's this that's kim il-sung previous dictator yeah right yeah that's kim jong-il yeah looking a little bit looking a little bit lonely out now for his son yeah kim jong-un it looks like he might bring hope and optimism to believe nation and uh so who's this then it's not danny dyer is that the other son it is the other son kim jong-nam he's not got the job as next dictator he's giving him didn't like him do you know why he didn't like him was it a hat did he dislike him because he's got a small lampshade tied to his index finger a lot he was caught trying to sneak into japan on a false passport does anyone know why get out of north korea [Music] to do what did he want to buy evil western clothes at mcdonald's very close burger king no it's not to do with any of uh a multitude of choice restaurants which you could go to chickpeas chicken pie sounds horrible no he wanted to visit disneyland tokyo and there's uh another older brother too kim jong-chul now why is he not going to take over is he dead no he's said to be too feminine do we have a picture of him so we may judge this man no sadly not but if you imagine the one with the lampshade on the finger yeah in a dress that might do it sorry come back as well has got the north korean nod should we have a look at him strutting his stuff yeah go on there he is really getting a lick on is that the best we've got i've been walking from one bit to another bit and that's it well no one had heard it until his father wheeled him out and said this is your new leader yeah i'm feeling a bit peaky yeah he made him a four-star general one day and said the next day that's it he's going to take over that's true how long has he been a public figure um with this week almost two weeks two weeks yeah so he's telling me like the milibands you've never heard of them so itv had a man in the field there and the intrepid reporter attempted to assess the relative popularity of the kim's let's have a look how he did it there are no opinion polls in this country of dictators but i did get a chance to carry out an extremely unscientific measure of the young general's popularity well let's see how popular the new leader will be kim jong-un kim jong-il kim jong-un [Music] much more [Applause] at popular they applauded though it looks yeah i look like they were excited can you imagine taking a group of british people in sky david cameron nick clegg oh no yeah oh no actually he's nick click there are other uh military uh orientated countries uh which are also fond of parading the russians being one of them what did we find out this week though about some of their equipment anyone know it's made of cardboard yeah is that right it's not right it fires coddles we don't know what the opposite of good things we made it's inflatable they've been stockpiling inflatable planes and tanks as decoys and i think we've got a beauty of a model of a t-80 tank being inflated ah here it goes god we've we've got this most special footage in all the world in this week's show we've got one bloke walking across a car park we've got a tank slowly inflated is there any chance i mean i i know the heaven really isn't here can we possibly see that man crossing the car park there's something so funny about it i'm sure it'll occur to us one day what it is put the benny hill music on it we can do it we can do that when he comes [Music] this is the unveiling of kim jong-un as successor to kim jong-il chief of the north korean army ri yong ho had a message for the nation saying if the u.s imperialists and their followers infringe on our sovereignty and dignity even slightly we will blow up the stronghold of their aggression with a merciless and righteous retaliatory strike adding lol smiley face kiss fingers on buzzers teams [Music] is it the new queen elizabeth it certainly is yes this is the new cruise ship the queen elizabeth that was christened by the queen this week i guess this read like a who's who of people who didn't realize it was still alive there was sir jimmy savile vera duckworth from coronation street and alan wicker oh all very glamorous what do you normally have in your front room me yeah what did jimmy savile um sir jimmy rather have to say off the liner which had just arrived from italy where it was built yes which translated as this fills me with great pride it all happens in britain it's not all been good news for the queen though um how did she end up beneath lady gaga this week most influential women in the world made up by somebody that's right she came to 42nd and uh lady gaga was number seven well and the reason why she's most powerful do you know good for the butcher's business she's a reinvigorated pop music and what about michelle obama do we know why she was top she's reinvigorated literally she shares pillow talk with the president or just something kind of it was because of who she was married to and because she has good arms do you think lists like this marginalize women paul ian john what do you think time now for the odd one out round just one between you this week uh hampshire police efit bruce willis natasha gregory's cat and the staff of the ulala holiday resort in the maldives blondes don't get too excited a lithuanian travel agency is launching a blonde only resort that's why they're in the news that is true and the cat has been dyed by its owner and this man in the e-fit had dyed hair has bruce willis dyed his hair he was in die hard it's a gritty film about a hair salon you can't take no more peroxide i think john's got it john got it right it's they've all been criticized for their hair colors apart from bruce willis who doesn't have any hair although he did recently wear a rather fetching meat hairpiece like to see bruce wearing his meat hat no thank you good unfortunately we're not allowed to a lithuanian travel agency called allah has been criticized for its plans to open a holiday resort in the maldives staffed entirely by blonde women according to one newspaper the resort is going to have young blonde women as waitresses sounds fine might go young blonde women as reception staff could be interesting and young blonde women flying the airplanes to the resort i think i'll give it a miss i don't remember those stories about how much male pilots go out boozing the night before the flight nice young lady pilot that's what you need to find the plane [Applause] um the hampshire police e-fit as well hampshire police issued an e-fit picture uh trying to trace a burglar who stole 60 pounds from a woman in stockbridge here is the full picture they did call him the lettuce man didn't they or let his head let his head yes apparently when they asked him why he sprayed his hair like lettuce he just said cos so i'll probably go i'm sorry there was there was no word on how he was dressed we also had natasha gregory's cat um the owner gave an interview to the sun explaining her actions in dying the cat pink what did she say anyone know i need medical help how do you dye a cat pink anyway oh you just get one of them candy floss machines and stick your cat on a stick that would do it yeah she said i did it to match my hair so she failed and the rspc returned the cat not the rspc the royal society for the protection of cruelty sorry the rspca returned expanded they're specializing they've merged with the aaa the rspca returns i'm felix and i have a problem uh what did they say about the cat's condition he's in the pink sorry they said it had been dyed very evenly which is so important did the rspca have washed the cat and it has now been returned to its normal color all except for a stubborn pink spot right underneath the tail you may need a wire brush time now for the missing words round which this week features as its guest publication the pipe club of norfolk newsletter now i'd hate you to think that the pipe club of norfolk is nothing more than a bunch of rustic yokels with ratty faces puffing away on silly looking pipes but it is and we start with i do what but i don't what the queen admits i do anything for love but i don't do that i do occasionally use the first person pronoun instead of the normal one but i don't like it i do rain but i don't rule that constitutional joke glad you're with me there um no the answer is uh i do get bored but i don't let on well she just has nicely she did at a recent state banquet nicolas sarkozy asked the queen if she ever got bored the queen replied yes but i don't let on she then yawned and fell asleep in her soup next pipe club annual darts night ended with what treble 18 single 11 double top ended with multiple injuries due to difficulty of throwing darts in a smoky room but they have to smoke outside apparently through the window do they ended with no harm done by a group of eccentric but essentially quite pleasant people ain't needed a disappointment has nobody remembered to bring the board a most welcome plate of complimentary sandwiches is the answer that is a proper headline you would expect complimentary sound just to be welcome wouldn't you hello how did you do it did you win i'm made of cheese the darts tournament was won by len who celebrated the only way pipe smokers know how with a damn good shag next what three musical dwarfs pavarotti's autopsy reveal on the third day of christmas [Music] three musical doors one was four foot two one was green the answer is cheryl's birthday gift for cow next what reflects nation's palace financial state huge mirror in the sky is it going to be disastrous drop in pipe sails it is something to do with pipes plastic pipes cardboard pipes it's similar cardboard pipe they're cheap and they're dangerous yes the design floor it's like having fireworks that fit in your trousers i got that uh it is lack of prize at pipe club cigar smoking competition yes so next what is bad for my marriage but i just can't stay away the wife is this a footballer is it hookers is bad the answer is ikea is bad for my marriage but i just can't stay away this is a woman who shops so much at ikea that her marriage has collapsed so the final scores are ian and victoria five and paul and john six [Applause] and i leave you with news that at a london sperm clinic another delivery is safely handed over by the star donor [Applause] in chile at a slightly smaller mining disaster the rescue operation is not quite so high-tech and in london a clear the air meeting begins to falter as the debate turns once again to who broke the plastic horse in buckaroo [Applause] good night [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] questions from animals that start with h just think of the fun stephen fry's gonna have with that qi xl is next on bbc2 [Music] [Applause] [Applause] yeah because i said that though didn't i not not not in a good legal way does that mean that's going to go to where that bit yeah i called him a fat greedy [ __ ] yeah uh oh me banned from top man where will i get my cardigans [Applause]

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Id: as-1-pFI5DU

Length: 42min 11sec (2531 seconds)

Published: Fri Nov 05 2021