HIGNFY S04E08

oh [Music] [Music] good evening and welcome to the week's news in capsule form sort of current affairs equivalent of xlax in the news this week michael hesseltine has shown disturbing evidence that watching too much tv can have harmful side effects in order to raise funds following the winds of fire the royal family prepared to open the new windsor castle disneyland [Laughter] and finally fears are expressed that the former leader of the labour party may have found solace in mind expanding drugs [Music] on the ian hislop's team a comedian who claims to share a birthday with hailey selassie and michael foote funny she doesn't look that old please welcome joe brand and on paul merton's side this week a man who according to his wife only looks at a map once he's lost so we have an atlas standing by for him and paul at the end of the show neil kinnick mp and with the scores excitingly poised at nil we give the teams their first opportunity to commit unforced errors with two pieces of news film to identify ian and joe what hasn't this person been up to this week this is the story of lamont the two lamont stories this week sadly one right on top of another it's funny how bad luck comes like that first someone revealed the contents of his access bill saying that he'd um been into their shop and bought a bottle of champagne and um a hundred raffles which he hadn't apparently it's a bit of an odd thing to make up so that you're going to make up something about someone coming into your shop i mean i'd have mother teresa with a rent boy a crate of newcastle brown make it exciting and i'm also a bit upset that he's on champagne because i heard you like strong lager i heard he gets on the tenants after work but yes it is uh it is normal the monster turbulent week and the revelation that treasury ministers paid four thousand pounds to help evict sex therapist miss whiplash still her presence in his house may explain the words of one newspaper this week norman lamont appears to be perpetually strapped for cats tooth thresh's staff now mysteriously claim they invented the story about lamont turning up at their paddington branch and have since gone into hiding curious they should make up stories about the chance of being there given that one of them told his girlfriend before the press ever got hold of it and the woman in the shop next door backs up the story too even more curious is the fact that the owners of threshers pay 30 000 pounds to tory party funds and have an exclusive contract to supply the cabinet office the words the words rat and smell immediately paul and neal what a variation on a theme is this council tax well spotted there is again look it's been drawn up by curb crawling estate agents they were driving around and um and and say what your house is worth and and they also use helicopters it appears so you're a bit stuck if you've just got a flooded back garden and they say oh he's got a swimming pool band's eight 808 are all the same now those aren't they band a you can't sell your house band b you can't sell your house yes it is the conservatives latest attempt at local taxation the council tax which is an innovative new scheme based on the value of properties the like of which hasn't been seen since they abolished it three years ago in favor of contacts part of the criticism has been about the method of valuation clearly based on the property's external appearance so if you live in what looks like a beautiful castle but inside it is an unhabitable shell you're probably the queen the government has insisted that people can always appeal against their assessment the maximum they get back is 25 pounds and the cost of the appeal is 50 pounds the words bastards and complete immediately ian and joe a case of nighttime robbery for you i shagged him um [Laughter] not personally no that's um terry hogan getting desperate for people to watch his program so paying share an awful lot of money 20 grand a pound for every year of her life to come on his show i'm not bitter well you know she she got 20 grand right i got 800. she got a new bum and i went down quick fit and had one of my blackheads squeezed it's a lovely image you can see why it would cost twenty thousand to fly over because they have to do it in bits and then reassemble it over here it is the revelation that almost twenty thousand pounds a time is being handed over to celebrities for five minute appearances on friday night with wogan as a result of which next week's edition of have i got news for you will be presented by alan titchmarsh leslie nielsen i always think brown is tremendously underrated [Music] just going to blow my nose to make sure this gets edited out sorry i'll just carry on saying it yeah [Applause] when we approached logan's producer peter esther for clips from the show he wrote back saying i can imagine the context in which they're going to be used i will therefore not be signing your document to give permission for clips to be used i will not expect to see them in your program oh well that's showbiz paul and neil uh whose consent is being sought for this oh yes um this is the sado messi oh hello who got him ready um the general synod they they had this big demo and to make him really miserable nobody came it was um it's very sadomasochistic they got charged by the police the one block had his uh sexual organs wired up to the christmas lights in region street and so when they were sort of turned on you know the region's full of colour and you could hear this voice going my god yes if you're photographing in a brown suit it's one of the telltale signs yes do you know you're sitting in broken glass yes i was that man i admit it yes it is it's the appeal to the law lords by five men who were jailed for inflicting injury on each other in a sexual orgy despite the fact they not only gave their consent but had a whale of a time in the process the five were convicted of taking part in genital torture including sand papering the testicles passing wires through the groin and safety pins through each other's penises i don't know why they didn't just have done with it and buy a black and decker work mate why have you just read all that out anger it's because he enjoys it of which are perfectly normal behavior brings us cascading to the end of this opening bout and i can inform you that as usual at this stage of the proceedings there's no sign of the impending carnage as both teams have a perfect four [Music] round two awaits pregnant with anticipation but just by way of a brief diversion let's show the panelists a couple of arresting images ian and joe here's your curiosity the lovely this is bottom line there and uh paul and neal that's yours so let's check the rear view mirror and pull out into round two one tabloid excess per person what's behind it all paul moth is dead loss uh there's a type of moth hercules moth has hatched a male mother's hatch but there's no female mops around he's got a weak to mate with another moth so he's desperately flying around with a bottle of champagne and a packet of fat in the week that it's got you know this moth it can be officially disclosed grows to 11 inches wingspan wingspan and uh i was going to say it's a wonder it gets off the ground it's a hercules mosque the largest one and uh one of the rarest in the world which sadly came to the end of its short life just five minutes before a prospective mate mate arrived by car from south yorkshire it would have been there soon nobody had difficulty with the hand signals once born the hercules moss blooms colorfully for just three days before withering away to nothing so it's longer than bros the the reason the moth's life is so short is that it has no mouth and therefore can't eat anything only a slight flaw in the evolutionary process and this means it has just 72 hours in which to find a member of the opposite sex and make with it still having no mouth should cut out a number the preliminaries the uh the mouth has the um the moth has now been mounted but not in the way that would have made its life worthwhile neil it's uh heil thatcher what's that all oh oh this is about one of the most disgraceful and infamous attacks on one of the most beloved figures of our generation [Applause] and somebody somebody um actually plastered or drew a moustache and picture of baroness thatcher and uh it was the police have pulled in about 12 million suspects and you know next week do you know what's going to happen actually they're going to color in john major only a real challenge it is the disturbing news that uh some irresponsible vandal has had the audacity to paint a hitler moustache on the uh portrait of mrs thatcher oh baroness thatcher sorry in the commons coffee room it must be the first time she's been touched up since cecil left investigators think that the vandal is probably a long time rival of mrs thatcher's from an opposition party and recently freed from the constraints of official responsibility no names have been issued surprised to say this studio has been surrounded joe who's producing condensed soap well i just thought i don't know i mean i thought it might be a new sort of soap for someone who's very small and very dirty like jim davidson um train has been condensed into no episodes at all ever again [Music] and nobody notices you're clutching at straws no tell them what it is it's it's an australian epic called young doctors it is it's been condensed from 215 episodes of 6 000 minutes i've been swatting to three minutes and yorkshire television who are doing this masterly task say they've kept the best bit yes it is excellent two points it's the music you said it couldn't do figures absolutely i haven't tattooed on my islands you know it's ian what skullduggery lurks here glenda vote rig storm oh this is a storm about vote rigging over glenda jackson this is i'm in hampstead um a traditional labor constituency of working-class intellectuals and um apparently there were a number of um irregularities in the votes there it is the discovery that labour mp glenda jackson won her seat in the commons with the help of 600 forged votes detective sergeant michael corby confirmed that forgery and counterfeiting had occurred but there had been no breach of election law well no breach of filipino election law made me still uh just imagine what would have happened if glenda hadn't won the election could have been a disaster for labour which which thespian tales brings us to the end of this round and the situation is um that well ian and joe have a rather bland six and paul and neal have a quite excellent 10. [Music] don't have to worry about it being ahead of an early stage and so we roll up the trouser leg of time and immaculate the hairs of history by which i of course refer if somewhat indecisively you're just talking um okay it's the archive round there we are two questions of identity uh ian and joe who are these couple of swells sharing an embarrassing moment by the piano well that was mama duke hussey on piano and cher down in the corner i think one of them's roy hattersley singing and doubling up as the sluice at the same time as well um nick rainsford is the guy standing against the wall that's well spotted yes i'm that's what is ethel hargreaves in the chair it is it is no it isn't let's unveil the truth yeah i'll give you one each it's actually susanna york and roy hattersley why did they get a point because they got these very good so what do you mean they got the other one you mean when they didn't say susanna york you gave they got the third politician by the piano anyone could say nick rainsford did you say nick rainsford twice no you didn't all right we [Music] york was one of a number of celebrities to lend their support to the labour party such as stephen fry and richard attenborough all of whom were dismissed by conservatives as champagne socialists or as normal say three bottles of white wines what is that color actually called is it called creosote i'm not sure what is it says winfield um paul and niels the more uh mr winfield say when you took your suitcase thank you uh where are we oh yes middle of the archive round paul and neil your uh your question more self-abuse for you which popular hero is this they are they want me to that's george and jilly wilson definitely yeah in the audience george and jilly wilson any idea who's in the green oh the green robin hood the person who is on that thing was actually sitting next to merton two weeks ago which says his stunning powers of perception a man called ken livingston you may remember him in the dim and distant two weeks ago yeah but he wasn't wearing green let's uh unmask the culprit spanish won't you relate please they want me to stop it is ken livingston mp or that stupid pratt as he was called by one of us in the studio in 1989 [Music] no no i think he was much much worse than that and that's gross enough which uh apology for a history lesson brings us to the end of round three and the thickening plot is that well ian and joe are starting to flag with nine and paul and neal continue to impress with eleven [Applause] there now follows a short odd one out round four leaders in their various fields which one is the gerald ratner paul a suitably obtuse one for you eddie the eagle pope john paul ii mrs colin moynihan and fergie the pope doesn't go skiing well in the answer that they are all very good skiers apart from eddie the eagle well you're both almost there but i'll give it i'll give one to paul it's the pope as all the others have been involved in major skiing accidents the pope is nonetheless a keen skier and claims the alpine ski resorts remind him of poland there he is you spend the whole day queueing and no one can afford the food eddie the eagle said that despite breaking several limbs nothing can beat that fraction of a second of excitement on takeoff that's the fraction of a second he remains in the air colin minehan's wife gainer broke her knee on the honeymoon probably tripped over her husband's head neil some familiar foes for you douglas heard howard wilson mrs thatcher's chief whip john wacom and john stonehouse ah douglas here hal wilson and john wacombe can't swim [Laughter] well john stoner scanned at the moment because because he died poor man but he could probably float a push is howard wilson as all the others married their secretaries uh whereas howard's relationship with his secretary was of course entirely above board john stonehouse who married his secretary sheila was a former labour mp and crook who disappeared in the atlantic ocean and was presumed drowned until mirror reporters found him alive and well in australia let's hope history doesn't repeat itself uh joe for uh fighters have lost causes for you edward heath john major our friend mr gimmick and andre brevin well i have to say i think it's neil because he's the only one that's had his picture taken in a photo me what booth your passport no they've all been conductors except your major he was turned down he was too thick it's true yes very good it is john major as all the others have conducted orchestras or bands where john major once applied for the job of bus conductor but was turned down because he wasn't up to it i wonder if the europeans know that the finer points of ec fiscal policy are being decided by someone who can't work out two adult returns to bethel green andre previn has a bit of a punch on for the ladies and has he can't get any turns on a bus [Music] you count on coaches though can't you though yes and you count on trains but you can't on buses yeah well i think he was applying for a coach job really yeah and finally in this round ian four desperate souls for you lord white law mark thatcher gary newman and gavin nash age nine who's gary newman he's a leader of a popular beat combo right well he's the only one i don't know so i think he's the odd one out um no if you know who the little boy is you'll know the answer to this question has he got the other three locked in a cupboard um i'm afraid you're nowhere near paul sadly oh i know they've all sold arms except mark thatcher well you're not far off the answer is that all of them own guns apart from multi-millionaire mark thatcher who as the commons heard this week helps flog them to middle east dictatorships lord white law went on a shooting party in 1984 and managed to shoot not only one of the beaters but his hosts are joseph nicholson gavin nash is one of a number of small boys who've been granted a shotgun license incredible isn't it you have to be 16 to have sex 18 to watch other people have sex but only nine to be given the wherewithal to blow someone's brains out arms deals involving mark thatcher were being investigated recently by british journalist jonathan moyle who was found dead in a chilean hotel having received a lethal injection in the heel the british embassy refused to help local police and even tried to make out that moyle had died of masturbation doesn't make you feel proud to be british on which a slightly terrifying note we call an end to this ferrargo and the obvious dilemma concerns uh well neither team particularly because they both have around 13 points [Music] and so we unleash the pandemonium that is our final missing words round so i'll just picture alphabetical order i suppose ian and joe you go for it charles i won't take dyewear up for gary glitter [Applause] it's liberal um it is abroad but uh i won't take you back to holidays abroad you know he's called a much worse thing next major is urged to attack what research attack poland by mrs thatcher attack the serbs very good serbia ah excellent next bbc moves where to survive moves nearer the government's bottom uh that is not correct that market is in fact the answer and lastly tebbit wanted to be what nun prime minister is the right answer wow yes wanted to be prime minister then didn't we queen mother combines her duties with a love of what champagne and raffles [ __ ] is it scare electrics super nintendo is it um renaissance spanish church music horses horses yeah so i'll give you one for horses horses and entertaining is the answer next betty maxwell sells what is it very wet three-piece suit it's memoirs uh next yard's new chief urges police to abandon what oh uh rule book social engineering is the answer and finally a number of sexual partners linked to what each other mathematically precise but not actually is it is it off license [Applause] mobility and cash is in fact we're looking for so good news for nigel mansell which um which brief homage to the art of guesswork brings us spinning to the end of this battle of half wits and tragically this week's pig trotters are paul and neal with 15 and this week's lucky rabbit's feet are ian and joe with 18. so before the final whistle a brief period to be added on for injuries in the form of our caption competition ian and joe what have you thought of this one well i think virginia should be saying i don't know why my mouth is so close to this phone it's not the orifice i normally talk out of i thought it was about her family being shrunk to the size like that high very good paul and neal this one was yours lamont lion official [Music] um i wouldn't want one of them swimming up me out or the soft toy for that matter on which uh nourishing notes we say thank you to our guests ian hislop and joe brand paul merton and neil kinnick and i leave you with news that british rails new station design has come in for criticism on safety grounds a shock news that elvis presley may not only be still alive but he's also started breeding and finally norman lamont spends a quiet night in with his family good night [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music]

Channel: lfcizdabest

Views: 56,450

Keywords: hignfy, have i got news for you, comedy, panel show, paul merton, angus deayton, ian hislop, jo brand, neil kinnock

Id: snMzGtS_Iws

Length: 29min 35sec (1775 seconds)

Published: Tue Sep 01 2020