Have I Got a Bit More News for You S62 E3

uh can i just apologize that i am not victoria corran um she was meant to be doing it uh tonight for those of you that read the radio times is that anyone oh oh you just sounded genuinely disappointed anyway [Music] [Applause] good evening welcome to how i got news for you i'm victoria corran uh in the news this week nine years after famously getting stuck on a zip line boris johnson accepts an invitation from the king of spain to try his hand at parachuting instead [Laughter] in tokyo it seems the producers of the japanese version may not have remained faithful to the true spirit of peppa pig and as a wedding in scotland doctors advise the groom to give it a few days before trying to consummate the marriage on paul's team is a journalist who has recently written a novel titled the whistleblower if you only read one book this year read one of mine uh will you please welcome robert peston on ian's team tonight is a broadcaster who says there should be a law that forces government ministers to answer questions properly when being interviewed asked if you thought this was a good idea one minister replied it's been a very warm october will you please welcome rylan we begin with the bigger news stories of the week paul and robert have a look at this uh hydrogen car new green energy being promoted uh that's what yes this is replacing old boilers with heat pumps so yeah it's um going very well uh we're all gonna be green sooner rather than later and it's gonna be wonderful we've got a heat pump policy yeah uh which is to you know reduce all the greenhouse gases that each of us are spewing out of our homes and the policy is going to i think it's 0.92 of uk homes are going to be converted to these green i hope you're not undermining the prime minister robert this is about hot air specialists and the prime minister my god yeah you're right these are the government's plans to help us stop wasting energy at home um what can we do to keep warm in a carbon neutral way apart from put a jumper on or in robert's case occasionally do up a few shirt buttons robert well one thing we could do is get a heat pump and take advantage of the government's promise of 450 million over three years to fund renewable energy in homes get rid of that old boiler that'd be a good slogan wouldn't it my husband uses that all the time what was little richie sunak's really unhelpful response to boris's enthusiasm he make a lot of rock and roll records in the 1950s good golly miss molly long talk sally this joke can be explained on teddy text later on if you go to the red one he did something not very musical he explains how much it would all cost uh the treasury reckon 80 billion uh will need to be raised somehow the more electric cars that are sold without road tax the more money the government will lose so electric cars and roads in general will have to be taxed but this is his line on the whole boris says we're going to spend as much money as anyone wants in order to be popular and rishi hunak says well we can do that but then we have to raise tax and the whole conservative party goes oh god they're not going to do it though are they robert look do you really want me to depress you about how bad things are going to be in the last six months yes yes this is what i do for a living we can do that yeah they're four horsemen of the apocalypse death plague famine war and pesten there's a little bit of hope do you know who is the prime minister hoping to get some money out of bill gates yeah you're right we've got a little uh clip of the press conference with bill gates i think uh bill's putting in a 200 million if i got that if i got the numbers right checking out 400 each 400 each is it yeah [Laughter] now tell me if you can about the air source heat pump then it takes air from the air and turns into heat inside your home is it that simple yes it is it is that simple have you got one yeah have you in fact i'm wearing one now well a few journalists are well informed about central heating systems so they tend to resort to diagrams so if this might help it might not here's one expectation yet of how an air source heat pump works that's actually the design for the new big brother house and one tip i would say is if you want to be warmer don't stand outside yeah yeah that's a strong tip that is a story should we all cheer ourselves up but i am by by looking at uh boris speaking yes yeah that cheers me up he's talking about the areas where britain is a world leader and i think his circuits have overloaded financial services cyber ai quantum computing gene editing data data data tech of all kinds fintech medtech edtech nanotech lunatec we move on to royalty oh yeah lovely yeah all right well the queen's had something to say this week does anyone know what it was yes she said she doesn't know he's gonna be turning up at his conference and she wished people to do something instead of just talking about it totally right yeah she absolutely did she was opening up the welsh parliament she was overheard saying to camilla extraordinary isn't it i've been hearing all about cop still don't know who's coming it's really irritating when they talk but they don't do what a woman what woman what a woman i didn't work because the australian prime minister wasn't going to come and then 24 hours later after she said it he is coming there you go but putin's not coming is he she doesn't seem to have the same sway over putin i can't think why well who else isn't coming i'm not going mickey rooney's not going that's too but neither of you are world leaders so we don't know if president xi is gonna go i mean he's about the only person who matters what else is china uh giving their full attention to oh they've got this amazing missile that goes several times the speed of sound haven't they yeah um which is essentially quite a serious weapon unfortunately yes they're testing their new hypersonic nuclear missile that flies five times faster than the speed of sound with a low trajectory uh so its journey is shorter and not picked up by radar according to al jazeera the missile circled the globe but missed its target by 24 months right well that went well yes so london will probably be safe but good luck stevenage what did the queen turn down this week one in a world and she turned it down because she said she wasn't old enough that's right it was the oldie of the year award given by the oldie magazine unsurprisingly she wrote to the chairman of the awards committee charles brandreth to say i don't meet the criteria i am as young as i feel go on that's what i like the ancient queen said he was disappointed but wished her majesty well um how has prince william been making headlines this is more your department possibly than mine ryan because i dress appallingly but he wore something oh it's just a velvet tuxedo it is indeed nothing wrong with a velvet tux i'm not saying there is especially on a prince i don't look great um yeah he wore a velvet jacket and a polo neck on a night out which some people said made him look like james bond i think he looks good i think he should do that more often i think he looks all right i mean the thing is the way william was dressed that would make anyone look like james bond wouldn't it really love that well i don't know why don't we have a look [Music] oh it's beautiful look like one of the casts of last of the summer wine hey hop i've got this gold cart let's push it down the eel i've got to say when i saw your one ian i thought it was phil mitchell and then when i saw your one paw i thought it was greg wallace it's a dangerous area for you to go on about people's personal looks it is but i paid for mine so that's the difference tell me who phil mitchell is eastenders oh right oh great well leave it out i've got another question about soaps now ian so listening something you know a lot about them yeah what the nation's best love soap's been doing to highlight climate change different characters are appearing in different soaps so an emmerdale character might appear in a coronation street or a coronation street character might appear in eastenders absolutely yeah i don't really understand the connection but anyway do you why disappearing in someone else's is it about recycling reusing or something i mean are they gonna be maybe like you might have sonia from eastenders installing heat pumps along coronation street i mean to be fair to hollyoaks who have also joined in they've been a sustainable show for years using mainly wooden actors uh robert you didn't uh perform at prince william's event did you that's a shame especially with a voice like i could be this lady tonight if you've ever been a lady to begin with you've actually got a really good voice have you ever thought of having it tuned i thought robert was brilliant although i was looking at that outfit and i'm sure that you mugged me once behind an off license well i hear that you've uh you do a mean dawn butler impression no i don't do a don butler impression yes you do no i don't i just i've became a little bit obsessed with dawn butler so throughout the pandemic bbc parliament became my favorite channel and i didn't really know who dawn was at this point and it was it was a pmq's and she was sitting there just in the background and you know like if you're on a night out and someone's having a rare but your friends are backing you up and they're just putting their arms up in the background dawn was like the ultimate girl code and literally someone was talking and uh i could just see don butler in the background going nah nah nah i'm not having it i'm not having it i just became obsessed with that and i was just sat there like that for all day and she was waving her arms and i was like come on girl yeah you pipe up well she's actually on the show next week so yeah if she pulls out we'll all know why now this is the blueprint for a green future the government uh has suggested we swap central heating for eco heat pumps if you want to know how a heat pump works a fan draws air inside the unit for it to warm the refrigerant which turns to gas at a low temperature gas is then compressed releases heat to the system and then condenses back to a liquid state the liquid refrigerant passes through an expansion valve before it absorbs and passes along the heat and by that time it's summer this week prince william also said that his son george was learning all about climate change yes even he noticed how much the atmosphere warmed up when his auntie megan left the room in the build-up to cop 26 the queen met bill gates but that was a long conversation when she asked him what do you do uh i build software manipulate vaccines and delete emails from jeffrey epstein ian and rylan take a look at this first wave second wave third wave how many spray turns i've heard potluck put it in there might work that's christmas canceled that's not happening so this is where we are the government keeps saying we're going to carry on as normal and normal for us is to do nothing until just before it's too late and then panic and change so when i i listened to a number of gun ministers saying there is no way there's going to be another lockdown i just went out and bought some toilet rolls um the nhs's matthew taylor urged number 10 to act immediately uh telling the guardian the government ought to not just announce that we're moving to plan b but it should be plan b plus however downing street revealed this week that at the moment there was absolutely no plan does anyone know the difference between plan b plan b plus and plan c plan b plus also called plan c is a lockdown similar to last november um can anyone remember what what that was i don't remember anything november's lockdown was was finite it was two weeks and do you remember what happened after last year's really short lockdown yeah christmas was completely destroyed oh here we go i mean those horsemen really have got nothing on you robert i was really looking forward to meeting you just as well that your singing cheered us up we don't know what they're gonna do they keep saying day by day we'll look at the figures we'll look at the facts and then we'll make a decision we had the health secretary on stage yesterday saying yeah just fine they're coping were you reassured well i mean not after meeting you um sage we've only met three times since july uh as there is lessened demand from ministers for scientists let me just ask you did you have any problems uh working from home last no not really because i used to come into the studio [Laughter] i think are you referring to my one or two zoom issues i'm afraid i am uh robert i'm really looking forward to the return of the press briefing so i can have more instances like this one can i turn next to robert peston for my tv oh [ __ ] hello afternoon robert oh hello sorry my connection doesn't seem to be stable so i'll give it a go um were you waiting for the band to strike up i thought that was hilarious i have to say not everybody in the country was quite so did you get a few responses to that so i make the mistake of being on social media and do you not have anything else to do there was a time when i thought it was good for journalism i don't anymore i think it's it's one of those two-word things isn't it it's sort of like a bit of a contradiction in itself social media action figures gourmet burgers you know it's sort of let's agree with you sports personality yes i have to just say that is not my joke that was a wonderful comic called donna mcfail who doesn't do it anymore who you will yes indeed it was the right time for it to come out yes absolutely do you know what the new strain of um ay 4.2 it is a y 4.2 i 4.2 which sounds a bit like a geordie confirming an earthquake but um why might immenser rylan i think you went to immensely in ibiza i did yeah i was a go-go dancer there is that is i don't know what i'm saying here but is that the one next to pasha yes indeed it is what is pasha i'm going to change your life joe fran will you absolutely if i bring some tenner lady will you take me you don't need to bring this in a lady because i've already packed them darling [Laughter] why might immenser be responsible for a bit of the increase they're a lab that have been caught out producing dodgy results false negatives wasn't it yeah um and people who've actually got it we're told they didn't have it yeah and then they were told they did have it and they thought oh god i've spread it yes immensely have been accused of messing up around 40 000 test results and officials in our halted testing at the private test center in wolverhampton bollocks i've lost page 10 that's what the scientists said who wants to see a montage of michael gove reacting to being told some information from scientists yes are we lovely coverage of the whole brain we do not have the signal loss that is typical in the commercial coils which makes it uh so this is an antenna so we redesigned the antenna elements on this project and and the long term goal is to manufacture this coil upstairs in the industry space and make it available to the global customers through siemens commercializing the coils and building coils for more body parts not just clinical applications that work along with two other imaging projects is being supported through the strength and places funding another explanation for covid being uh back on the rise is the slow deployment of booster shots to the elderly and vulnerable uh it would never have happened under this man uh why might matt hancock be needing his own booster this week he tweeted out he was honored to accept a job representing the un in africa and then literally 24 hours later the u.n put out a statement saying they hadn't realized he was still an mp and he couldn't have a job i don't think that's really why they didn't give him that i think you may be right i think you may be right hancock said he had no experience in africa at all but he's very happy to take it on and then i think people said to a number of african countries do you want matt hancock and they said how dare you leading figures across africa described his appointment as jaw-dropping uh whilst the chair of the africa vaccine delivery alliance said this is so tone deaf beyond arrogant that they think we in africa need matt hancock to help 1.3 billion people recover from the pandemic when he couldn't manage one in the uk so yes um how might this nice lady grace be able to help with the covid recovery oh is this robot doctors she's a robot yeah uh designed to help the health service she's programmed to interact take temperatures and measure responsiveness in patients and according to the programmers grace is designed to have a comforting demeanor and can stimulate the action of more than 48 major facial muscles good luck to grace yes that's 47 more than jimmy carter [Music] um should we have a look at grace in action yes please i can do all kinds of things for elderly people i can visit with people and brighten their day with social stimulation entertain and help guide exercise i'm obsessed with it i love it she seems like a nice girl though i put a bit of spray tan on the arms because it didn't much the face but i reckon there's already a few men cranking up to trying to get off with her i do ranking up well off blokes that have to crank themselves i mean i'm not looking at you robin my old blokes i've got to crank up to get ready for a bit of hanky-panky should we move on to other news now due to covid and the shortages why might it be easier to get into a club this year when you go into a club yes what's there to sort of make it difficult for you um the music for me the security the bouncers are there's a shortage of bouncers that's right yes there's a shortage of bouncers yes which is great news for you ian because you don't need to uh keep coloring your trainers with a sharpie i don't even know what that means here but anyway so why is there a shortage of bouncers there's not enough of them it's gonna be i don't think there's a shortage in essex everyone's a bouncer everyone oh bouncer every three doors along what do you do for a drop bouncer genuinely can you have one in your own home how do you know i have them and i saw you outside on the long the other morning yeah economist explanation for why there's such a shortage of everything is known as the great supply chain crisis which means that things like tankers are in the wrong part of the world but obviously bouncers are in essex which is obviously the wrong part go there you go and they're no lorries to take the bouncers to other [ __ ] you can't transport them yeah because you can get about a thousand of them in the back one of those big trucks can't you but they can't get into the trucks as the truck driver say you're not coming in here so this is the news that covert cases are increasing also it was revealed that immenser may be responsible for 43 000 false negatives the health official in charge of investigating covid testing problems is dr will welfare although he may soon be replaced by his slightly less positive sounding welsh colleague died soon now on to round two yeah randomizer of new ray fingers on buzzers teams that's vienna there's a story about an art gallery in vienna that has lots of um i think turn of the century sort of nude pictures i don't know what the rest of the story is they're not they're not allowed to show these pictures anymore it's the news that the city of vienna has joined only fans what a brilliant face um shut up no they tell us what only fans is then rylan i mean i wouldn't know um only fans is like a subscription site and you can put any type of content you want on there it's a bit like twitter but there's a paywall and you can choose to follow people and you pay them a monthly subscription but nine times out of ten the the the content is um eye-opening oh are opticians yes well why would you imagine the vienna tourist board have an only fan's account because of the paintings that's right there you go oh so they're showing the paintings to people in the hope that people come to the city uh yes but but also um instagram has previously ruled that a painting by rubens violated its guidelines on nudity oh really so you can only see it um on only that's a really good idea well absolutely so for around 360 a month subscribers can view as many nude paintings and statues as they want well in other art news why has a.i robot i dar found herself in hot water in egypt she is an artist robot but when she arrived at cairo they thought she was a spy and they confiscated her yes she was seized at the border on her way to an exhibition in giza in egypt where guards demanded the removal of her eyes oh terrible she's only a robot a lovely set of eyes look at her beautiful woman you've got a thing with robots haven't you i just think you know what i've just come across such a lot of idiots this year to be honest who would you prefer ada or grace oh come on no it's like picking your children isn't it hang on as as ada's eyes remained intact yeah they've got our eyes back i understand you got her eyes back yeah i think they put the right one in the right one because i don't want to look at you like that some of us think that age is a bit of a hot bot now but do you want to see her before she had work done yeah corning yeah there she is look i wouldn't mind looking like ada bottom of it can you imagine anyone being asked to make a robot that looked like me see i would love it that's one i would buy oh okay i'll be round i can't cook but we could smoke and take drugs fine okay this is the news that the city of vienna has joined only fans in 2018 vienna's tourist board put up posters of nude artworks covered up with the words sorry a hundred years old but still too daring today coincidentally the same thing was iced on my last birthday cake in other news an ai artist robot was detained in egypt on suspicion of being a spy the egyptian authorities have not said what she would be charged with although i'm guessing it's a usb cable fingers on buzzers teams [Music] oh yes there's a couple and they'd they got a sort of thing saying you've been you drove through bath in your car and you didn't pay the whole charge crossing the bridge and so you owe some 50 pounds or whatever it was and he said no no no and he said no no you definitely did and they were sent a photograph of it and there was no photograph of their car but there was a woman walking along the pavement that had these words written on a jumper and uh it read her jumper as the number plate of a car that is unbelievable yeah superb yeah that's absolutely right um here's the couple's van here's what the cctv camera is i love this there she is it's so pretty but to be fair she was doing 70 miles an hour um robert have you ever worn anything like that you're going to show me something aren't you yes i might as well no just face the humanity a pointless question what is it what is it well it was an interview with the times magazine over the summer you were photographed were you plugging your book now it's funny you shouldn't say that because when you've got a book to plug more or less you'll do anything would you do only fans now that you've told me what it is of course there we go there's your exclusive joe this is this is what you were wearing wow robert what do you think you should do an oni fans it's not the first time you've been unafraid to break fashion boundaries is it good yes let's have a quick look oh robert i've forgotten about the glasses did the art did the arm fall off the owl fell off it was a particularly stressful it was a particularly stressful day this is like a sort of anti-version of this is your life where you come onto this program and here you are you've been introduced and castigated these are my finest moments actually paul let's be absolutely clear i'm relieved you haven't shown the really bad stuff oh really such as here we go uh no no uh now this is the news that a woman walking in a bus lane in bath has been mistaken for a van uh according to the metro when contacted by the car owners the council thankfully saw the funny side and agreed to waive the 90 pound fine however if you know the lady in the t-shirt and wish to see her again you need to pay 230 pounds of collector from the local vehicle uh fingers on buzzers [Music] chips i can go one better than that yeah radioactive chips shortage of chips it can't be an abundance oh not another thing it's the news that customers are up in arms about the discrepancy in chip serving sizes at the branches of weatherspoon restaurants owned by tim martin how has the great chip fight back been taking place well there's more chips being given to people in the south than in the north and the people in the north are very angry about it they see it as southern buyers either that or the customers have joined a facebook group which is called weatherspoon's paltry chip count how long's this been going on six months seven years was it seven years yeah at least seven years according to customer chris lamb who posted been waiting almost seven years for this group december the 22nd 2014 i remember it well 14 chicks haven't been to a weather spoon since probably best i don't talk about the salmon cheese comedian what other chip based complaints has the group seen green chips yes one customer took to the group to gripe about the chain serving of cheesy chips posting here's my cheesy chips from tonight from the embassy in plymouth chip count 27 cheese count one oh oh no no a spokesman for the chain told the daily mail all pubs should serve the same weight of chips but the number of chips might vary depending on the size of the chip i think that's one of aristotle's anyway this is the facebook group comparing the size of witherspoon's chip portions obviously each chip in weather spoons is precious but if you drop one on the floor the five second rule is no good it'll take at least 10 minutes and a chisel to unstick it from here's one of the pictures posted that's a weatherspoon's full english breakfast if you want a continental breakfast tim martin suggest you bugger off to france uh fingers on buzzes teams [Music] balloons yeah [Laughter] um it's the news that the inaugural balloon world cup has taken place what is it keeping them in the air for as long as yeah yes um the official rules are if you let the balloon hit the floor when it's your turn you lose a point right and that's the only rule is here well pretty much do you wanna have a look yeah okay but it takes your mind for the fact that someone's crashed through your living room window well 32 nations took part which country do you think was victorious peru yes it was peru yeah because their school was up at the top of the screen [ __ ] i thought it was a sidekick how did you think we did oh we got knocked out third round uh we were knocked out in the first round who will we knocked out by um chile poland equatorial guinea oh the uh balloon world cup was organized by barcelona star gerard pique pictured here with his wife shakira uh pk said sometimes you have to get out of your comfort zone and try new things to which shakira said nice try but is still a no time now for the missing words round which this week features as its guest publication model truck world oh and we start with uk bakery embroiled in what scandal profumo [Laughter] poisonous baps uk bakery embroiled in illegal sprinkles oh oh yes the bakery in leeds has been told by the trading standards agency in west yorkshire to stop using the food coloring e127 and replace it with yorkshire's preferred food additive e by gordon the owner of the bakery told the press sprinkles you can get in this country are totally [ __ ] they look wank they bake wank not to mention the raspberry glazed doughnut cookie don't even get me next model truck world apologizes profusely to model truck maker after what model truck world apologies producing the model truck maker after photoshopping him into the nuremburg rallies he's standing behind him with a little truck pointing to the little truck very good is that the right answer no no sorry i must be reading the wrong papers model track world apologizes profusely to model truck maker after stating their range was produced in 1 to 72 scales oh terrible that is an outrage isn't it in the world of model trucking there's a significant difference between one in 72 scale and one in 76. so it's quite an error by the staff on the magazine tiny heads will roll next boxer asked to sign what whilst in newcastle oh i know this death warrant is it ant indexions is that their surname they're not related are they not brothers no no i thought they were twins no no they're identical are they no they're not no they're not identical what ants and deck yeah are you all right it's boxer asked to sign fans micro oh yes i did seen it in newcastle boxer chris eubank jr was approached by a fan who asked him to sign his microwave chris eubank junior is a tough boxer in fact he's the most dangerously violent person seen in newcastle since the football club's new owner ian did you get asked for autographed uh yeah and i i will sign the same perfectly reasonable jeffrey archer ian doesn't get asked for selfies he does brass rubbings that's true [Laughter] signing wise i had a woman come up to me at the end of a gig once in scum thought and she said to me could you sign my tits please and so i said why sir because i want to show them to my husband in prison that made really sweet have you ever had a weird signing request i signed this girl and she was with her son and she was a really really lovely girl and she was like can you just sign your autograph on my arm i was like yeah sure and then she came three weeks later with a full-sized tattooed version of my face and my autograph and i literally nearly died and i was like why have you done this but she she enjoyed it and then she named her son rylan all right it's not that [ __ ] bad [Laughter] that's the that's the first thing they've been really shocked uh next what criticized for looking like c3po c3po's twin brother is it greg wallace it is the statue of opera singer maria callis oh my gosh what's inside for looking like c-3po should we have a look yes please i was thinking of a little one you think of r2d2 a spokesman for the star wars franchise who asked to remain anonymous said that statue nothing like her looks next man creates new brand of what using what brand creates new brand of soap powder by using the saliva of ocelots waffle using an entire cabinet that's good i'm gonna say man yeah it's new brand of schnapps oh using apples from chernobyl jim smith of the university of portsmouth has created a new alcoholic beverage using apple's harvested from chernobyl which she describes as not even that radioactive that's good the locals in chernobyl are very good at picking apples well it's the one upside of having three arms on american pies don mclean once cut a show short for what um must be pie i think it would be uh it must be pie you're not far off uh for a pie break for a pie break once cut he went later bye he wanted to buy an american pastor john mcclane once cut a show short for a holiday in college holiday inn does carvery yes i'm afraid so you have to bring your own food though right american crooner don mclean admitted he once cut short a gig to return to his hotel for some beef in yorkshire pudding the audience first realized something else was on his mind when he started singing bye-bye mistaken kidney part and as he finished off his meal with the second helping of chocolate profiteroles and clotted cream he sat back inside this will be the day that i die do you know i used to know all the words did you yeah did he yeah yeah it was a big hit wasn't it a huge hit it was a youtuber are you going in yeah go on robert anywhere [Music] to the levee but the levee was dry go rubber i'm so good always drinking whiskey and rice singing this will be the day that i die yeah this will be the day that i die oh together you should do this on best in every way i will thank you have you been on it yeah what pester yeah yeah i'm on all the time i do a sort of karaoke number it's mostly early church music but um next queen gives up what after advice from what thrown after advice from charles queen gives up andrew after advice from lawyer queen gives up hallucinogenic drugs after a vice from 10-foot sausage riding a bike [Laughter] i didn't actually see this it's queen gives up drinking that's right it is in fact queen gives that drinking after advice completely not just cutting down a bit but she's not going to give up his shame no no one likes a in gin yes the queen has given up drink for health reasons or as she told charles she wants to take it easy for the last 35 years [Laughter] so the final scores are in rylan have you got and paul and robert have 42. and i leave you with news that during a rowdy booze cruise in magaluf organizers begin to suspect two passengers might be just outside the 18 to 30 age bracket in his office at westminster kierstarma tells his assistant about his exciting week ahead and as shooting begins on the new series of the crown one royal is furious on meeting the choice of actor who's been cast to play him good night [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] you

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Length: 44min 8sec (2648 seconds)

Published: Mon Oct 25 2021