The 7 Things The Narcissist Will Do When You Go No Contact

good evening everybody and happy Sunday night to you here on my business page and my regular Sunday night lives here at 8 o'clock so I'm really looking forward to sharing with you the subject this evening so if you're coming on please do say hello remember this is my public business page so anything that you post on here will be for other people to see if you want to come and join me in my private group which is on Facebook the divorce and breakup support after narcissistic abuse and you're not already in there hi-low and please let me know and I can send you the link we've got over 3,200 women in there now and it's just such a great community there's friendships being made it is really amazing to be honest and one of the things that I'm extremely passionate about is for people not to feel alone whilst they're going through narcissistic abuse because you can feel like you're very alone and I don't want anyone to feel like that so if you're not in in my group and you want to be then please do comment or pop me a message and I can send you the link for that as well so if you're watching this on replay just put a hashtag replay if you're watching it live let me know you're listening and where you are and and I want to talk to you this evening I suppose about the subject I've been talking quite a bit about in the last week I've been talking about it on my business page I've been talking about it in the group and it's something that it's absolutely imperative to healing from narcissistic abuse and what exactly is that so what I want to talk about this evening is no contact and what exactly the narcissist will do when you go no contact now when you initially breakup from the narcissist it's really important that you go no contact contact or extreme modified contact if you have children but there are absolute strategies and ways that you are able to do that and it's a key factor in how that I coach my clients as well to ensure that they still feel like they're being a good mom or a dad but they are still putting their mental health first and not the children in the middle all of these back-and-forth messages which is invariably what happens if you keep having contact and the reason I know this is because I have been there and probably for the first two years of my breakup and divorce I would say it was back and forth back and forth because the immediate thing that you want to do is to react you know if they say something horrible you want to say something back know this know that and all you're doing is going round in circles because actually all you're doing is actually supplying the narcissist when you do that as well and you're keeping them in this cycle of abuse all of the time and the reason for that is is because you have that addiction to the narcissist about this addiction to the narcissists so the hypothalamus in our brain will be releasing all of these chemicals these peptides to all the cells of our body which become the norm to us whilst were in that relationship and then we when we break away our body still needs those peptides because we're addicted to them so naturally we want to respond we want to react we want to kind of talk to them or engage in an argument because then we release all of those peptides and it's like a habit and all the research has suggested as well that it can actually be ten times more difficult to break the habit of a narcissist that it can heroin which might seem really crazy to even think like that but I certainly know when I came out of my relationship it was incredibly hard because my head was telling me don't react don't respond don't do any of that but actually I just couldn't stop myself I had to react and it was a physiological reaction so we often talk about the mental and emotional impact of breaking up with a narcissist but not many people talk about the physiological aspects of that as well then I did a video on this a few weeks ago so you can either catch it on my business page on my facebook business page or if you go over to my youtube channel caroline chausson you can catch it on there as well and it just explains a little bit more about the addiction to the narcissist so this evening I want to talk about when you do go no-contact because it's really really vital for your healing because it's going to allow you trying to focus on your healing if you're constantly having a supply all of the time and you're back and forth you're hindering how fast you can heal and by going no contact or extreme modified contact it's really really gonna help and Excel right your healing and recovery so I've written down seven things the narcissists will try to do when you try and implement they are things he's not going to like it or she's not going to like that you're doing no content because it means obviously they are losing some control they're losing that supply so there are seven main things that the narcissist will try and do when you start to implement no contact or extreme modified contact as well and if you ever need any help in knowing how to do that and the best type of strategies then obviously pop me a message I can either add you to the group and obviously we speak about it in my private group quite a lot about how to go no contact and then also one-to-one coaching with me where I really really look at a specific strategy for you with the parameters and getting to know you your circumstances how your ex is behaving and how we can then formulate a no-contact plan and obviously what in those moments where you feel that you want to respond you message me and we work through that together so we work through that addiction of wanting to message together so you're not on your own with all of them so the first thing that the narcissist is going to do will be to make out they are the ones that have gone no contact so when you decide to go no contact what they will do is they will go around to tell everybody as I'm blocking them on social media I'm eliminating them from everywhere else you know I can't stand talking to them anymore because they're crazy so they will be the ones that will make out that they have gone no contact with you and the reason why they do that is because they know if they say that it's gonna really annoy you even more because you're the one doing it but again when they say that it almost looks like they are the victim in all of this and that's an incredibly hard thing and when you're breaking up with the narcissist because they are like the victim and it's like you are the crazy one which is why many victims of narcissistic abuse start to question that they the narcissist but it's all about the projection from the narcissist onto you with this so when you decide to go an eye contact however you decide to do that they will make out they are the ones doing that blocking you on everything you know but telling everybody that they are doing that as well you might go quietly into doing that they will announce it you know so again people will feel sorry for them they will think they are The Vicar things that they will do and because it gets you really really angry the natural reaction that you want to do is you want to message them and say you know how dare you do that you know I'm the one that's not going to speak to you and then you start our back-and-forth and then obviously you are supplying the narcissist so that is one of the ways that they will try and manipulate and control you into responding with them again making out that they are the ones that have got no contacts before you so the second way that the narcissist will try and interact with you once you've decided to go no contact is I'll try and message you some way about meaningless situations so just things enough to try and start a conversation with you and so it might be something like you're having a conversation with them and you're kind of immediately reacting to it and then they'll say oh hold on a second and this phone's ringing or there's somebody at the door and then they will go off and you'll be thinking where's the message are they going to come back are they not and you're left dangling that's where the power and control will start to come into play again as well so what they will do is they will message you really meaningless things or they will message you things about the children you know because they may know that obviously as mums in particular and and dads if you've got the children that you know that probably the majority of our Achilles heel really it will be the one thing that would make us reconsider about messaging back because it's about your children as well and they will utilize that all the time and try and say you know if they got their rugby kit or have they got this have they got that and it's again just a way to start engaging with you and this is where you need to be very great walk no emotion and if they are very specific questions that you need to answer about your children it is one line it is extreme modified contact with that there's no emotion there's literally minimal minimal words in your response to the narcissist there because they will try and try and try to keep sending you these messages whatever means they can to try and get you to engage so its supplying them again and this is where we need to break that contact so you can focus on your healing and recovery yes they will start to feel guilty they will start to act like you know I'm really really sorry that I've behaved like this you know I'm gonna really try and be a better person maybe I'm gonna start counseling you know maybe that you know everything you were saying is right they want you to feel sorry for them and we often know that many of us coming out of relationships with narcissists will have a lot of codependency issues and also a lot of us at impasse too so naturally we do feel sorry for them to start off with and that's a really really hard cycle to break when you're breaking your addiction and your natural instinct is you feel sorry for them so when they are telling you all of these things you know maybe it was things about their childhood for instance they want you to feel sorry for them and ultimately by that you are going to engage back and forth back and forth and back and forth as well and it's just about control you've got to realize engaging with them is just giving them more supply and you need to focus just on yourself of healing that in a trauma within you so that you can break that addiction you can break that trauma bonding for you to move forward because you deserve to be happy and you deserve to live a happier life as well so the next one number four theywill guilt trip you then into feeling sorry for them okay and again this is where they're going to really bring things up from their childhood you know because the narcissist they normally say we don't diagnose MPD's the narcissistic personality disorder until someone is 18 but it's very difficult to get a diagnosis because it needs that for them to go and actually get a diagnosis and obviously it's listed in the DSM in the 4 & 5 which is the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual for mental health that we use for things like personality disorders as well so narcissistic personality disorder is listed in there with all of the traits as well but it's very difficult to get a diagnosis because it's not like somebody who has a cold or a cough and you recognize that and you're gonna go to the doctor and they will tell you that you have a cold in the cough because the narcissist won't work cup one morning go oh I think I've got narcissistic personality disorder I'm gonna go to the doctors because it just doesn't happen because they don't think anything is wrong with them they are projecting it always onto you but very often narcissistic personality disorder is formed in childhood because of circumstances and again I know I've done another video about this where very often it might be the golden child so they put up on this pedestal you know and they have this feeling of grandiosity all of the time and they believe that they deserve all of this as well you know and that's one of the reasons predominantly probably an over analysis you would see being like that as well the other aspect then is a covert narcissist so normally you tend to find covert analysis vulnerable narcissist will be maybe those that have had a complete lack of love in their childhood for whatever reason that that may be so they may have had a lot of brothers and sisters maybe they've been played off against brothers and sisters maybe again their parents there's a cycle of narcissism within the family as well so they're just not getting any love so they're always searching for something and this is where the personality disorder can be forming there give me other triggers with regards that as well so if you're narcissus has been telling you about that or that they never felt any love you're naturally going to feel sorry for them and a narcissist will absolutely tap into that by going as well the number five and I'm sure many of you watching will be able to relate to this because it's probably one of the most common ones as well and that's a smear campaign so your narcissist ex will take it upon themselves to absolutely smear and trash your reputation and this is one of the hardest ones to recognize because you want to go around and speak to everybody that they have spoken to you want to shout you want to scream you want everybody to know what sort of person they are because they are out there portraying themselves as the big victim and smearing your reputation I remember when I was going through mine I thought do you know what I would love to take a billboard out somewhere and just painted everywhere about what had happened because again they can portray themselves as the you know and they're very good at twisting stories and rewriting history in their mind and then that leaves you feeling like how depends and family potentially thinking well maybe they are the crazy one when you know me or not but what do you do spend the rest of your life following them around and everyone that how it was this is how it was and you know let me tell you there's no point in you doing that you can't control what the narcissus is going to go around and say trying to control that it's just going to overtake your life and you're never gonna truly he'll let them get on with it obviously if they are overstepping the mark then you can seek legal advice as well for defamation of character as well but if they're just going around just saying bits and bobs about you that are just not nice it's a hard thing to do but you've got to learn to switch off to it and just focus on your healing because again the more you direct how dare you say that or you start messaging and say don't you say that to my friend don't you say that stop saying all of these things all you are doing in that scenario is you are feeding their supply that's what they want you to do I know every fiber and cell in your body is saying message message how dead oh you if you do do that you're just going to slow your recovery down utilize other ways to release that pent-up frustration and anger come in my group the divorce and breakup support after narcissistic abuse you know message me get some coaching you know surround yourself with those who you know that they know the truth about it so you need to really really cocoon yourself don't get involved you know switch off to it as hard as I know that is it's one of the hardest things when you know that they're going around you know smearing your reputation and it really really is and I get it because I've been there I know what it is like but it will absolutely destroy you if you keep on focusing on that as well people will make their own decisions regardless surround yourself and let them get on with it as well really really do so number six so they might have an incident in their life and suddenly start to message you about it as well so that might be something like they're poorly maybe they've lost their job maybe they've lost a loved one and they're gonna use that as a little of door opening to stop messaging you to get you to feel sorry for them again to try and maybe get back with you or to try and get that supply going again so that they can feel that they've got that manipulation and control it is not about the situation ever this is about them always trying to maintain control over you because they want that constant supply the more you message them it's like you are fueling them if you imagine you are the petrol pump in all of this okay and for you to heal and recover you need to stay full the petrol needs to stay within you the moment you start to engage with your narcissist you are giving them fuel you are supplying them and all of the fuel that you're trying to fill up inside of you is going down and down and you are giving your power away to the ex and what you really really need to do is really make sure that you are focusing on yourself with all of this so number seven and the final what this is about you moving on and replace them what they will do is they will move on really really quickly I have never really known a narcissist who hasn't already got somebody else lined up when they exit able no they're not but I pretty much guarantee that you would be able to but that you would be able to go to the reading some of these comments it's very very interesting here as well so what you would be able to do by doing this is see that they are just moving on really really quickly they won't not move on to somebody else and if they're telling you they haven't found somebody else I would hazard a guess at some stage you will find out they have I know for me when my ex left it was about I need time for myself I need and I knew deep down that that wasn't true or anything as well you know definitely so they're with me one second I'm just getting my because we have a few interesting people who are making comments right now so let me just get online and remove them here you go we know what it's like with technology don't we so sometimes I could remove them with my phone and everything as well say let's have a look it's obviously on a Sunday night do people are a little bit bored look a bit entertaining though I suppose it's an effort for people watching as well so let me scroll down and remove them here we go let's remove that person so apologies for this at the moment confirm that's one down okay right to the next person so let's do the next person okay yeah absolutely then and that will happen at some stage but the more you are supplying them the more they're going to keep so by knowing that it's going to give you power learn and what you need to do is bring it back to you and stop the contact and that is really really gonna help you heal and move on as well so high in the Tony sorry I'm just deleting some people who were putting some interesting comments over that today we had somebody on who is talking about butter everywhere I did whether any of you watching that one as well we always tried to get a few interesting ones now and again let's have a look let me see okay let's have a look oh they've already gone so they've they obviously knew I was going to do all of that so okay so they've gone which is good so I will get back to what I was talking about yeah I know Len tat is they don't like that okay they don't want you to do that because they want to keep that endless supply and this is where you have to realize how ever broken you are at that time for you to heal you have to go no contact or modified contact you really really have to there are ways of doing it that still means that you have a channel of communication if you have children or anything so Lisa whether he is in relationship or not he's still insist on tanks try not reply but if if it's about the kids to cook so my question then Lisa is who's actually decided for Miele so I would say to you you block him on text you remove him from social media you block him on tanks so you send a message right now and you say I will only communicate via email you send the text and then you block when he has the children you can unblock okay because that means just for a shorter period of time you may end up with some messaging like I said when I said about the number to where he might message you with meaningless situations or things about the children okay other than that he can email you anything if you have the children he can email you they will not like that and I understand that because it's a loss of control that's why you don't send a message to say I'm going to block via text and you wait for the response back you block so if they're texting you you don't know that and if I email they start saying no I'm gonna text it I can absolutely assure you you go to any court in the world about the children and that is EEMA that is absolutely fine they're not going to make you have text they just aren't going to do that particularly when you can talk about the reasons for your mental health as well which is of vital importance in all of this so Lisa when he still insists on text who's in control of how you communicate there he is it doesn't make any difference whether it's via email or text is the fact that he wants text and you don't so that means he wants to continue doing that because it's the control there as well you're not being gay mom by blocking him on text and let me make that perfectly clear because I know so many of you feel like if you do that you're being a bad parent you're not you're being a great parent because you recognize that to protect yourself that's why you have to do that so it's really really important that you recognize that no-contact and extreme modified contact is a huge part of your healing and recovery it was one that I can talk about this from personal experience and the moment I implemented this it allowed me to start healing it allowed me to focus and it was like a great big weight had been lifted as well so all we've got Dante back but I'm on it I've got my laptop open now as well so right let me find this Dante as well so we can see all the comments I can't see them on my laptop for some reason right what's his name Dante actually put it in not Dante I'm a little bit busy at the moment to do anything like that as you can see but I'm sure you can find somebody else this evening to do that it's like how it's a bit fun though isn't it on a Sunday night fit for people let's have a look ah I can do it directly they go blocks I've got it on my phone as well yeah does make me laugh where they do stuff like that so LuAnn this is what I've done with my ex um because he can get hold of me he got my son to call me and then pass the line again what I would say to that the moment and this is where you need to think of your son in this and I so yes they're blocked but your son has a phone so he can call you so if son calls you you speech his son and then he passes the phone over the moment he starts on you you say I'm going to hang up now goodbye and you hang up okay because what you have to realize is you've staying on the phone and having that conversation with your ex and he's shouting at you you're getting really upset who's watching all of this your son so you hang it up is because you're not supplying him anymore at all so okay we have got a few this evening haven't way as well but I'm on it now I've got got it all sussed on my phone so it's easy to do so so the last one for those that missed it because we had a few interesting comments oh I know it's a serious topic but sometimes it's good to laugh as well isn't it in all of this and that was about how quickly they move on and replace you with a new supply really really quickly yet something as well so quite interesting yeah it's really funny because sometimes we get this and sometimes we don't so yeah it's an interesting one sir so yeah they will move on really really quickly and sometimes that means you kind of feel like did they ever love me did they ever think this did they ever think that because it deep inside you're kind of thinking how can they move on so quickly but what you have to remember is is that they have their own issues they are a narcissist so what they need is that constant supply in the moment they feel that it's going a little bit with you they will go and find it from somebody else as well so what you tend to find when you see two people break up in a narcissistic relationship is the narcissist will meet someone very very quickly okay whether that lasts or whether it will be someone else within a few months is irrelevant but they will move on extremely quickly if not they will already have even before they've exited the relationship you are left broken can I trust again will I ever meet anybody again all of that and you are left all of these feelings of I'm gonna be on my own for the rest of my life and you're dealing with all of that you're dealing with trying to do no contact you're dealing maybe if you've got children together there's so many different things maybe money all of that and it feels so hard okay and I understand all of that but what you need to do to help yourself build your strength back it's go no contact or modified contact it's such an important part of your healing it's really really difficult when you want to be a great mom or a great dad and you feel that you need to have some kind of class communication method with them but can you remember before we had mobile phones as well can they be in long term like mine and still be okay absolutely my ex was a covert narcissist Carol and I was with him for 14 years and I've got ladies that I coach you've been with covert narcissist 27 30 35 years so absolutely there's no time frame in all of this if you're supplying they manipulate in here as well and there will be moments of good times as well you know when I think about my ex you know that we had moments where it was like you know this is great ah there will always be those moments again intertwined and when you look back you can feel warning signs through but again because you will be codependent because you will have been potentially an empath as well you'll always try and make it work you know you will suddenly it'll be your fault and you will want to make that work so I hope that helps a little bit with seven things that a narcissist will do when you go no contact okay because they are they're going to be like children they are not going to want that because it's you choosing to do that you're the one in control doing that you're stepping into your power and they won't want that they will want you to carry on texting they will want you to carry on having communication you know they will want all of that because they still need that supply off you but when you don't give it they're gonna up the game they're gonna maybe do a smear campaign they're gonna tell you some story about to try and get you to feel sorry for them maybe when they put the children that's when they're going to message you as well but again if they call you a message you is it an emergency no goodbye then and hang up okay because remember before mobile phones if there was an emergency people would have got hold of you they will get hold of you if they need to if there was something like that okay so you really really need to look at your space healing yourself okay that's your number one focus in all of this really really recognizing that no quite important for your healing and as well and those cert those seven things that I've mentioned are gonna be the things that the narcissist is going to try once you go no contact as well so be prepared knowledge is power if you know what to do with it so when they try and do all of this you've got to remember my voice in your head say Caroline said that they would do that and I've just got to stay focused because it's not actually what I think they are saying this is just about getting a supply again getting the control again so I shouldn't feel sorry for them because actually this is part of a bigger picture that if I went back with applying them or if I get back with them it's just going to happen again cause it's just about getting that control as well so back my exes move nine hours away and has no issue with me not contacting him it's awful his he is abandoned his daughter entirely I mean that's just heartbreaking back and again we can't control what our ex partners do particularly when it comes to children what you can show your daughter is a loving environment you know and empowering her to recognize that we're all human beings and he's a flawed human being and it's just letting her know that that's one end of a spectrum and you're at the other end of a spectrum as well and that can be incredibly hard because again giving her a sense of self-worth is going to be really vitally important in all of this bit because what you don't want her to grow up with is those feelings of abandonment so it's really important for you to really help to build up her self-esteem her self-worth for her to recognize what an incredible young woman she is and will go on to be and that this was nothing to do with her dad leaving her this was about him totally about him not her so it's just you showing her love and security in the home so that she knows that it was not her fault it was nothing to do with her this was about what he did and it is it's heartbreaking when these things happen you know cuz none of us let's face it go into a marriage or a relationship and have children with somebody expecting this to happen you know and particularly like for myself you know I've said I grew up with Lady Bird but you know how the ever after with your prince charming and everything else and then you kind of think God what is that all about you know so say Thank You Caroline just what I need it then I going to go back and we watch gray and and again you know you're clearly doing an amazing job you know you are all doing and it's a to you you are doing a great job because I know lots of us want this epiphany that they're going to suddenly say do you know what you are a great man you are a great dad I do recognize all of this I'm really really sorry don't keep waiting for that cuz that's not happening focus on yourself instead so take care everybody have a great week remember if you're not in my group divorce and breakups support after narcissistic abuse just comment below and I can pop you over the link so you can come in there as well because we often have lots of other conversations afterwards and that's a private group this is my public business page as well I will be back next Sunday night at 8 o'clock as well so and if any time you want me to do any topics that I haven't done and previously please feel free to drop me a message so that I can schedule it in and we can talk about it you know and any time if any of you feel that you need any one-to-one help at all you're really really struggling you want to really accelerate your recovery as well you know I've been where you are absolutely at rock bottom so not only have I been there personally you know professionally I coach people lots of these strategies as well and then I use positive psychology because ultimately my goal for you all is not to just get back to functioning and go humdrum of everyday life I want you guys to flourish you know we're on this earth for a short period of time and ultimately I want you to make the most of it yes it's a rubbish time when you're coming out of a relationship with a narcissist but it's all the lessons that we can learn in the process for you to then move on and I genuinely mean that and as well so take care everybody have a fantastic week and just know I'm always at the end of a message I'm always within my group as well and you know together I want you to know you're not alone going through all of this as well so take care

Channel: Caroline Strawson

Views: 377,850

Keywords: narcissist, narcissisticabuse, narcissism, nocontact, narcissistic, narcissisttraits, parentingwithanarcissist, cognitivedissonance, hoovering, gaslighting, manipulation, projection, dissociation, no contact, narcissistic personality disorder, codependent recovery, self help youtube channel, codependency, codependent healing, codependency expert, narcissistic mother, narcissistic parent, codependent no more, codependent

Id: oWvHVV3obHk

Length: 32min 59sec (1979 seconds)

Published: Thu Jan 31 2019