When Narcissists Know YOU Know & Lose Control Over You #narcissism

hello and welcome back for those that are new this is a channel that's dedicated to helping you not only understand narcissistic abuse but how to work through the aftermath of narcissistic abuse so that you can heal so today's topic I wanted to talk about what happens when you go from not understanding what's going on in other words the time period where you're just trying harder and harder to make it work and you get to that point where you're like this doesn't make sense because nothing that I do helps the situation get better right in that hamster wheel of trying harder and harder then you realize that the other person is doing everything and anything to keep you in that hamster wheel instead of work with you towards the goal of peace and happiness and so at some point we start realizing that wait a second like there's something wrong here and then we stumble on this whole world of narcissistic abuse we start learning about terms and conditions and we start hearing about relationships that make it sound like we've all dated the same person and we enter the knowledge of narcissistic abuse what happens then that's what we're going to talk about today for those that don't know me my name is Michelle I'm a certified traum informed recovery coach and asmatic experiencing practitioner I'm also the founder of the thriver school of transformation which is a monthly membership where thrivers from all over the world meet live weekly on zoom and we do the inner healing work together so if you're interested in that resource make sure you check out the links that are put up in the video and in the description box below so let's dive in so I know with myself on my journey there was a time where I had no idea what narcissistic abuse was and in the relationships that I was in that I felt or that I learned after had people that to me were high on the scale when I was in the relationship with them I was simply trying harder and harder covert narcissists are expert manipulators and they know how to twist things so that you really think it's you and so you're so busy you're so busy trying harder you so genuinely want to make it work that you're yanking your personality inside out to try to make it work and you're confused as to why it's not I knew one therapist that told me one time he's like narcissists especially covert narcissists are such expert manipulators you can be looking at a yellow wall and they will convince you that it's brown it's not yellow it's brown or it's blue but they will be so convincing that rather than doubting their perception you will start doubting your own now to anyone that has never been in a relationship with a narcissist you're probably quick to be like oh that's that's lack on your part Michelle that there's a problem with you and maybe to a certain degree there was right there's a lack of self trust but to anyone that's been through narcissistic abuse you guys know what that's like you know what it's like to have your reality spun so fast that everything is blurry so again there's that time period where you're just focusing on you the narcissist is focusing on you and blaming you and you're focusing on you and blaming you but at some point and I've heard different ways that this comes about but at some point we stumble on the knowledge about narcissistic abuse with myself it was like like okay well if it is me and I'm totally screwed up I'm going to go get help and that's how I stumbled on the information I've had clients tell me that the narcissist projected themselves onto the other person and flat out told them that they were malignant narcissists or they were covert narcissists and the target was like what are you talking about Googled it and was like oh my goodness that's not me that's you honey and so that's how they found out regardless we stumble into this world where we start realizing that no matter how hard we try the relationship isn't going to get better because the Dynamics of a covert narcissist is they want you in chaos the more in chaos you are the better they feel inside the more calm you are the more chaos they feel and that's definitely not what they want and I know with myself I also had to come to the conclusion that I needed to change so there's this time period when you don't understand the information where you're like okay if I do this right then things will change if I can just get through they'll get it and then things will get better change is dependent on how they are but as you begin learning this you start realizing that they're not going to change their behaviors that cause you so much emotional suffering are exactly what they want to happen because your emotions are like oxygen for them right they call it narcissistic Supply the more emotions you give the more intense different emotions you exhibit or you are living in the better they feel some of the tactics that they use for example the silent treatment when they are giving you the silent treatment this is causing you emotional suffering the pain of not having them speak to you usually because it's touching on a belief that I'm unlovable I'm unworthy I'm not enough or I'm bad beliefs that you're not even thinking about consciously but they're touching on a painful subconscious belief and when that belief is kicked on you are in a tremendous amount of suffering that suffering is oxygen for them when they try to blame you for everything there's a lot of pain there's guilt there's shame a lot of emotions that are fueling them projection when they're projecting onto you you're feeling attacked you're feeling you're feeling frustrated you're feeling anxiety again more fuel for them in other words everything they do to cause you emotional suffering is serving their purpose by how you respond when I learned that it was kind of hard for me to swallow and when I also learned that I needed to change how I showed up it felt impossible for example I remember the first time explaining to somebody the silent treatment and having them tell me Michelle you can watch that and like you don't have to let that cause any suffering to you and I remember thinking like how on Earth can I be ignored and treated as if I was dead and have that not touch me it sounded impossible or the other thing that I was told I was told Michelle don't hide your reality don't hide that you're getting help because that's something that covert narcissists don't like right they want to control you so if they know you're getting help somewhere they're going to do something to stop it so I was hiding that I was getting help and when the person said don't hide it my first thought was are you kidding do you not realize what's going to happen and this intense fear of how this other person was going to respond when we broke that down and the person helping me was like well what are you afraid of are you going to have somebody have their hands on you like are is your in danger and I was like no no and as we broke down and found the fear because honestly it was so unconscious it was so automatic that there wasn't really any conscious thought to it so as I peeled it back I realized that I was afraid that this person was going to be angry or I was afraid of the silent treatment I was afraid of the insults of how this person was going to treat me but the reality was is I was facing that those behaviors anyway and I was afraid of the monologue that would never end so it was a combination of of that fear of how they would treat me which was happening anyway I realized but also what I didn't realize is the underlying meaning that my subconscious beliefs were making their behavior mean so for example when I was suffering because of the silent treatment I was like well why am I why am I suffering I had to find out the reason obviously I didn't like the behavior but what made me suffer was the fact that when that silent treatment was being administered what I learned when I really peeled it back to find the belief the subconscious belief that was getting activated was that somewhere in my life my nervous system made this connection that people that were angry meant I was bad now obviously I didn't form that belief as an adult it was formed in childhood and that's why narcissistic abuse is so painful because they open up those Old Wounds that aren't fully healed and so I wasn't even thinking oh I'm bad but my nervous system was and so any time I got the silent treatment I would there was a tremendous amount of suffering when I I realized that and I was like well do I really believe that I'm a bad person because this person chooses to treat me like I'm dead over things that don't even make sense no once I brought it into my conscious awareness I could change the meaning and those are the changes that we have to make so that we don't keep reacting the same way and so the next time once I did that the next time the silent treatment came around I was like all right you do you I'm going to do me I started enjoying my alone time now here's the thing with narcissistic abuse the second you start enjoying something they change it up because their whole goal is to make you suffer but my point of sharing that is part of working through this when you start understanding narcissistic abuse is is about seeing where they are kind of putting their finger in your eye so to speak or in your subconscious beliefs and causing emotional suffering once you can start noticing that you can start changing upgrading your beliefs and modifying your behavior not on the outside not by pretending that it doesn't bother you but really getting to a place where you make their behavior mean they're an unkind unloving person at that moment and you are still a good person you literally start shifting your belief system so the changes really are on the inside I really want to stress that because a lot of people will just do gray rock and they'll be like I'm going to pretend I'm not going to show any emotion but underneath they're like boiling inside no that's not what we want to do as much as work through why is that boiling there how can we change our painful beliefs how can we upgrade our inner wiring our inner subconscious programs so that when they act like that we make it mean the right thing we make it mean that that is an unkind unloving behavior and not something painful about ourselves as you're doing this you're making these changes because you know you know who they are you know exactly what they do you know why they do right everyone gets like a degree in in Nar ology 101 after all of the videos it's like we can spot a narcissist not only spot we can also predict because people that are high on the scale of NPD have the most predictable personalities they all act so similar that it's almost like when we start learning about them like I said before it's like we've all dated the same person or we're all part of the same family because their behaviors are so consistent so once we start catching onto that we start changing by not getting sucked into it all of their behaviors have the desired outcome of causing emotional pain suffering and confusion in you so when you start changing you and how you're showing up it's because you know who they are you know exactly what's going on and they notice so let's talk about what happens at that moment when they start seeing you change in the beginning they don't fully understand that you're changing they just notice a shift in your behavior so for example let's say the silent treatment was something that caused you a lot of suffering and now you stop because you realize that it has nothing to do with you they're just being abusive right emotionally abusive and you're allowed to continue being you when they start seeing that you don't fall for it they stop using those tactics they will stop the silent treatment but that doesn't mean that they're getting better and it doesn't mean that the relationship is getting better it just means that they may become more covert they need to find ways what is it where can they poke to cause a trigger from you so you'll start noticing that they may stop one behavior and and do other things some of the things that they'll do is they may for a time try to change how you perceive them they may realize that you're perceiving them as an abusive person and as a narcissist and so suddenly they'll start acting in ways as if they're not they'll start doing things that they never did before sadly often times people in a relationship or a friendship or a work relationship with individuals like this can fall for it and think oh I finally got through and the sad reality is the seconde walls are 100% down not in the beginning not when you're wondering if if there's hope when you truly hope you got through then often times you're in for an even more painful Awakening because they will lash out in a way you didn't expect because now your walls are down and it's going to be painful because of what they do and then it's painful because there's going to be a piece of you that's like they sucker punched you they got you again a lot of people get stuck in that cycle once they learn about narcissistic abuse and you know what's going on and they know you know you can get stuck in a back and forth like that that can last a long time what happens often is that the time period between the abuse and them trying to wait you out for your walls to fall does extend a little bit longer so for example let's say when they were extremely abusive and you had one foot out your out the door let's say they started acting nice a week later you would fall for it well you don't fall for it a week later anymore more now it takes you a month to start letting your walls down they'll wait you out but that's called the abuse cycle it's not that things are getting better they're simply trying to suck you in there's there's a lot of narcissistic Supply that they get from convincing you that everything you've learned about them being a narcissist isn't true that's a tremendous amount of narcissistic supply for them and that's still part of their game so that's one thing that that can happen the other thing is that they will find other areas to poke if you have children nothing means more to a parent than their child they will use that to continue causing chaos and confusion for example they will do everything to disrupt your child rearing so if you have the children going to bed at 8:00 so they can get up for school they'll make the kids look at you like you're a bad parent and they'll want them up till 10 they'll be the fun parent that has no rules you say left they go right and they'll create chaos in that way my point is is that if they stop certain behaviors because you're catching on to them it's not because they're getting better it's simply because they're going to work hard to become more covert now here's something else that I wanted to mention that as you are breaking free of the reactions that narcissistic abuse trains you to be in right you get trained to react you get trained to be stuck in a trauma response whether it's fight light freeze or fa when you begin to break out of those reactions I want you to know that it can get worse because the narcissist doesn't want you to be calm they don't want you to be empowered they want you to be in chaos and so this is going to really cause them to try so many different Avenues to try to drag and pull emotional energy from you remember if your life is in danger seek safety first get yourself physically in a safe place if you're emotionally abused and you know your life is not in danger I still want you to understand that it does get worse so just keep that in mind however you will get better I'm telling you exactly what was told to me he said they might get worse but you will get better and at that moment I didn't understand like how am I going to be better if I'm enduring this treatment well I did get better because something amazing happens when you stop doing the behaviors you were trained to do and you stop giving that narcissistic Supply something amazing happens you start feeling like you when we're trying to help this person to not react we're so outside of our we're so trying to help them be halfway decent or calm or normal that we're not even aware of of what's going on inside of us it was hard for me to understand that in the beginning but I quickly understood it as I started to apply it so rather than react rather than get upset when the silent treatment came rather than absorbing the monologue and the insults I noticed it but I held on to my reality and my truth that this was good for me getting help was good for me and what I noticed was in instead of getting sucked into a drama situation which in the past would happen without me even realizing it I was able to stand separate and notice and look at this person and watch them do all of these tactics that I had learned about I was able to be like a witness of them and I felt empowered because I felt like me the empowerment didn't come in changing them it came in being able to stand in my own body in my own truth so as you go through this and then you become empowered and you really feel strong in you and you're no longer losing your energy to fuel their narcissistic Supply you will feel better they will feel worse and things can really start to unravel so some of the situations that I've seen I've seen at that point The Narcissist will bring somebody else into uh a relationship they'll triangulate they might be unfaithful in a desperate need to get you to emotionally pour out onto them so that they can feed off of your emotional states when you continue to not not allow that to take place anymore The Narcissist will get bored there's a lot of videos about oh the Revenge getting revenge on the narcissist honestly not that I encourage Revenge but there is nothing worse that a narcissist hates than knowing that they have no power over you that nothing they do takes away from your perspective of you there's so much power to them in controlling your narrative in controlling your self-image in controlling your emotional states in controlling your reactions it's all how they can control you and when you can stand in you and you know who you are and you stay in your reality and you have a healthy self-image despite their behavior that is like bursting their bubble and at that moment when the narcissist knows that nothing they do can give them what they were getting from you your presence in the relationship is a source of pain to them it is too much for them to handle I say this because a lot of people will be like well if I can get to that place where it no longer bothers me then you know at least we can keep the relationship and make it work and honestly I'm not anyone to say you should or should not do that that is a personal decision but I will say this if your goal is to change your behaviors because now you know right you know who they are and eventually they're going to know that you know because you're totally different if the thought is that now at least you guys can cohabitate I just want to let you know that there's nothing that a narcissist hates more than being with somebody that they cannot touch emotionally that they have no power over there's a huge possibility that they're either going to be unfaithful or they're going to leave they might discard you and the way they do this it's so it can be so sneaky because they might first get you to trust them only to be the last discard right because they know you know and they don't want to be discarded they want to be the one that to them the one that discards is up here so they might convince you real you only to spit you out which can be really painful and so what happens at that point there's two things that can happen sometimes the target of narcissistic abuse since they're no longer soaking up like a sponge any more abuse add turmoil right you're no longer soaking it up it's like you're leaving it with them that's that's a them problem not a you problem you might start realizing how dried up the relationship is and how little healthy emotion there is and that can be hard at that time a Target often will have to go through a grieving period as you begin to realize that what you thought the relationship was wasn't who you thought this person was and how you thought they felt about you is not how things really are and so that's a difficult time period but that often happens and then the narcissist also feels like a dried up sponge because they're not soaking up your emotional energy anymore and so that might cause them to discard as well so those are some scenarios that take place when the narcissist knows that you know I hope this kind of helps you to understand different possibilities obviously this is not an all-inclusive list of things that can happen I really want to stress that if you're at this place in your journey I encourage you to start looking into cptsd recovery I started a new channel I'll leave the link there it's all about what happens after you're out of the relationship because I know with myself I thought that once I detoxed myself from all narcissistic people that I was going to be my best self and life was going to be amazing and it is now but for a long time it wasn't because I didn't realize that the training that they did to get me to be in certain states to be stuck in fight flight freezer Fawn to react and see things in this Twisted form of reality I didn't realize that that wasn't just going to lift with time I didn't realize how much narcissistic abuse rewires your subconscious belief system your nervous system how much it changes your brain and so after a period of time when I realized okay everyone toxic is gone and I'm still stuck then I had to do the inner work to work through cptsd so just be aware that even if your life is detoxed of toxic people you're probably going to need some help working through the damage that they left behind so give yourself that option so that you don't stay stuck in the broken state that they would love for you to stay stuck in if you need any help come check out our live Zoom meetings for the month of September we're going to be deep diving into how to overcome emotional flashbacks

Channel: Michele Lee Nieves Coaching

Views: 188,913

Keywords: life coach, michele lee nieves, narcissism, when narcissists know, when narcissists lose control of you, when you stop reacting to a narcissist, narcissists try to, narcissists try to destroy you, mental confusion after narcissistic relationship, dealing with confusion after narcissistic discard, taking your power back after a toxic relationship, narcissistic abuse recovery, healing from narcissistic, surviving narcissism, emotional manipulation, covert narcissist

Id: xM8EfYqVKQU

Length: 21min 26sec (1286 seconds)

Published: Sun Sep 03 2023