How to Gently Shut Down Passive-Aggressive Comments - Including your Own! - Terri Cole

well hello and welcome to this week's episode that I'm gonna start with a question have you ever been in a situation with someone where when they're angry they don't use words but they roll their eyes they stomp around I slam a door or are you the person that when you're angry and someone says are you angry you say no but then you go slamming around the kitchen or slamming down a book anybody yes are you if you're not in your head this episode is for you because in this episode I'm going to talk about and teach you about how to gracefully shut down passive-aggressive comments even if they are your own sound good all right so let's start by just identifying what is passive-aggressive communication well it's indirect communication so passive-aggressive communication basically is you are trying to get your how you feel across without owning it without saying it you are acting it out instead of talking it out or if you are talking it out you're not being truthful so you know we hear about the stereotypical situation where the wife is mad you know the husband you know is says is something wrong and the wife says no everything is fine then she looks out the window she doesn't look at him and then they're in the car and it's like awkward and long long car ride anybody ever be in that situation yeah but there's so much more to it than that so let's start with why do people communicate in a passive aggressive way well the first thing is modeled behavior that's the beginning it's something that you might have seen in your home so think about and don't worry I'll have a little tip sheet for you so that you can write your your note so you can basically get a view into if it's you why you are that way why is it hard to draw boundaries and be straightforward and tell the truth about what's going on for you why is your first go to to either be withdrawn and anger because that's also a behavior right and it's very easy and slippery because the person who's being withdrawn and anger goes what I just don't feel like talking nothing's wrong and you're like okay well it feels like something's wrong because you you know that we're all energy and when you go into a place when you won't come home and maybe you didn't text the person back or whatever and you walk in the moment you walk in you are aware that there is a chilly energy in the air or a hostile energy in the air and then if you say to the person is everything okay and they go yeah why I'm just cooking dinner and it still doesn't feel like everything is okay the reason why I care about you not communicating this way and about you shutting down other people in your life that you care about or don't care about shutting it down as well is because it's ineffective how will you as the person who's pissed off get your needs met be be witnessed how will that person change whatever it is that they're doing and a lot of times it's a very familiar dance where you both know what you're doing especially in long-term marriages or relationships but you don't have the conversation a lot of times it's about things that you're polarized about things that you fight about often where it barely even has to get into the person doing the thing before you're already anticipating they're gonna do it and you're already mad but have you ever had the experience of communicating sort of in meta messages so you're perhaps mad at your partner they know it they know exactly what they did wrong they come home and they're chattier than usual they're asking you more questions than they normally would they're asking if they could help chop the vegetables let's just have you experienced this so now this is a behavior sort of making up for what they did wrong or what they feel like they did wrong because they don't want you to be mad but again by not having the conversation what we're missing in all of that is an establishing that okay maybe we could do it differently next time we're missing establishing why you were upset or why they were upset so just sort of letting it blow over or pushing it under the rug these are also ways that passive-aggressive communication keeps going the person leaves the house angrily and then comes back with you know food or dessert or flowers and acts like nothing happened but basically you'll have that same fight probably many times because the only way to not have that fight is to understand what it means to you or what it means to them so all I can say about passive-aggressive comments and communication is that it's ineffective and it's also really low energy you know you have people at work who do this I've ever been in a situation with someone you had to partner with they were on a team with you and they used their their lateness as a way to dominate you as a way to basically say f you this is very common in relationships as well though not just work relationships just regular romantic relationships friendships that there is a hostility behind someone being late all the time so I wonder have you guys had this experience or are you the person who was late all the time are you nodding your head right now yeah it can be so incredibly frustrating I used to have this dynamic with my husband and I was always very early and kind of as a little bit of a psycho he was always sort of time neutral I didn't really care but he would make me late and he certainly of course would would be responding to my my anxiety about timeliness I really was a time bully sort of myself that I judged people if you're not early then you're late and all this other crap like I had my own stuff trust me but Vic and I had such have always had a really good relationship and good communication we both had tons of therapy before we got married so the fact that we had this reoccurring issue about time was really weird so I finally bring it in to my therapist like what is the deal with this what is the deal and she said well you know Tara a lot of times someone making you late it's a passive-aggressive way of expressing anger that's too threatening or too uncomfortable for them to acknowledge so then she asked me a couple of questions she said does Vic get mad at you ever and I said no and she said does he tell you when you're doing something that's bothering him I said no not really he's kind of an easygoing Pisces I was saying and she said okay but you're also a therapist Tara you realized there's no possible way that you're never doing anything that's getting on his nerves it's impossible I don't care how good the relationship is this is called like being a human being I was like okay so and she I said so tell me more what do you think is happening and she explained the passive-aggressive anger dynamic that but it made me understand it for the first time and I was already a therapist and I understood the concept of passive-aggressive communication but the anger dynamic I didn't get so she said imagine that Vic has anger or at you about things that he it's too threatening though right he was you know raising three teenage kids by himself and he just doesn't want there to be any problems maybe which is probably true and you know hoping that I just would want to stay and love them and have them behind my family which is what happened luckily for everybody but it's like he didn't want to rock the boat so his own anger he wasn't even aware of it it was unconscious so he was taking his anger and disavowing it so imagine that for those of you who are watching on YouTube it's like you're cutting it off and then taking that anger and sort of stuffing it down the throat of the other person so what would happen is his anger that he couldn't feel was afraid to feel the way that he would provoke it in me so I would express it so because his anger still needed to come out was by being late so we had a pivotal moment so right he'd be late let me let me finish that thought he'd be late and then I would go I would then flip out right and be like I don't get it why why are we having the same conversation I told you we needed to leave at this time it's already 10 minutes after that time ah so he would be like no no there whatever okay bye so I'm talking to Bri with my therapist and she was like listen you know you have to do something different and I was like okay she's like you have to stop doing your 50% of the dance I was like okay well how do I do that she said Terry look at your own dysfunction with time you're always early you're like a you know a time bully so that's your thing so you've got to be like a little bit consciously and with intention take it a little bit of a deep breath around time you don't always have to be the first person at the wedding you don't always have to be the first person in the church like I would never go to a wedding without going to the church you don't like how some people just got it's fine no I always have to be in the front row like it was a little obsessive my own thing so she not talked about that a little bit worked on that I was like okay I'm gonna be it doesn't matter it's not the end of the world I don't want to fight with him about time it's so crazy so we're going to a wedding and this was now gonna be where we were gonna test out if I could not do my part of the dance and how that would impact us fighting about time so we're going to a friend's wedding and I you know I've said we needed to leave whatever the wedding was 90 minutes away I gave us like two and a half hours to get there again a little bit like a crazy person so he said listen I will definitely be back ready go at one o'clock I was like great so keep in mind it's 12 o'clock I'm already showered my hair is down my makeups on I'm dressed so I'm you know I said okay I'll get your tux it was a dress I said I'll get your tux ready so it'll be ready when you come home you jump in the shower get in it and we'll go so I'm waiting and I'm breathing and I'm meditating and I'm being so chill and I'm internally working like no problem I am not having a problem with this no matter what happens I am NOT doing it so he comes he drives up in the car we had this MVP car at the time and there's wood on top of the car and he's pulling up 2 minutes before I said we needed to be on the road so he's already doing his half of the dance he's coming in he's like I'm really sorry baby if someone was in front of me they may be whatever and I was like oh no it's not a problem I gave us extra time it's not a problem and your tux is ready to go he can't even grasp that I'm doing a different dance he can't even grasp it in his mind can't even get it he's continuing to do the old dance saying if that person hadn't been slow doing 20 miles an hour under in front of me I was like Vic I'm not mad just get it together I'm having a cup of tea I'm enjoying myself I'm reading the paper go do your thing so he's like all right I'll be right down you anyway so we got in the car and he's still I see him trying to get me not mad with the behavior right of being over the friendly tell me what he's gonna build this and that we left 35 minutes after I said we should have left but I gave his plenty of time so it was still fine and I also realized if I didn't get the entire wedding if I wasn't there for the whole thing that also wasn't gonna be the end of the world like I needed to shift my my own neuroses around time as well so in the car he's doing this whole dance continuing to be like so and I'm actually not mad it was sort of this pivot for me where I was like this is a beautiful day we're going to a wedding that I really want to go to a friend who I really love it's gonna be so much fun I don't want to waste this day I'm not wasting this day on this same effing fight as if it were ground hogs day you know that movie where the person wakes up and every day is the same friggin day well I do not want to do that so about midway through I said you seem kind of surprised that I'm not mad and that I wasn't mad and he said well to be honest I was and I said you know I'm definitely willing like one thing I'm positive because it I don't want to have this same fight with you for the rest of our life we have this really really good thing and this is like a petty weird stupid thing that's happening and I don't want to do it I talked to Ruth about it do you want to hear what she thinks that was my therapist and he was like okay and I said Ruth thinks that you being late is an expression of anger that it's too threatening for you to express he was like what do you mean what would I be mad about you mad at you about I'm not mad at you I was like no I'm not saying you mad babe I'm saying you never want to be though you make excuses for my bad behavior if I'm being kind of if I apologize you tell me I didn't do anything wrong so what I'm telling you is that it is hard enough for me to process my own anger because I wasn't raised in a family you know it was a whole thing so I can't process mine and yours at the same time so I explained how Ruth explained it that he's disavowing it but being late because he knows I'm gonna blow up is like him shoving his anger down my throat and now I'm expressing it with my over reaction to his lateness coupled with my own weirdness about time right make sense so he was like I don't know I'm not buying it but I was like here's the thing what I'm telling you is I'm done doing this dance at about time I'm not doing it so whatever that looks like either I will not care about time at all so so we then we had a whole meeting about it he and I where we decided that he would help me be less like obsessive about time and that I would help him be more wrong time when it was for me that was it and so we came up with these little phrases that we would share like we well we always have exactly the right amount of time was one of the ones that we started saying so if I started to get anxious and said you know we should have left or whatever he's like no babe we always have exactly the right amount of time or everything is gonna be okay and instead of feeling like he was doing it to me or like I was doing it to him we sort of got together to help each other be less nuts about time and to not act out I did not want him passively aggressively expressing his anger to me in this unconscious way so he stopped doing that and lo and behold he does not have any problems expressing his anger or annoyance with me about things or his preferences and I really wanted him to be able to do that and it was 20 years later I want to be funny and say be careful what you wish for but in reality I wouldn't have it any other way because I fully care about precisely how Vic would like his life to be and if I can do anything to make his life like that that is without a doubt a top priority for me so well that was a long way around the barn to get back to what can you do with the passive-aggressive stuff so eat the family stuff and on the cheat sheet or the tip sheet I'm gonna give you a few questions so that you can answer the questions to see where you learned it if this is the way you express yourself when you're anxious or upset or have something to say that you are too sort of fearful to say so that's the first piece the second piece if you're dealing with someone who's passive-aggressive is to hold steady eye contact so if you're at work and someone makes like a like douchey comment you hold the steady eye contact like you're basically saying for those watching than see like I see what you're doing like I got you in my sights so and I don't mean aggressively or hostile II I really don't I mean steady eye contact so you're like I'm not just gonna Slough it over or you know brush it under the rug because by not looking at you being like huh laughing awkwardly I'm going to look at you and be like yes are you actually saying something me and don't answer the question if someone is being passive-aggressive and answering asking you something that is an appropriate or that you don't want to answer your real power is not answering the question and questioning the question I did an interview that you guys can see on the podcast a few weeks ago it just came out with a woman named Kasia Urbaniak who is very brilliant and one of the things that she talks about in her verbal self-defense course is that if someone asks you something aggressive and/or a passive-aggressive you can question their question and it could be as simple as wait so I want to make sure I'm getting this right are you asking me to give you details about my divorce right now is that what's happening to give them a chance to say well let me know not if you're uncomfortable oh good good because I am so we won't be talking about that but it's like instead of giving the information which many of us especially women are very conditioned to just someone asked you a question you feel like it's rude not to answer before even thinking about how rude the question may be so you can question the questioners question what else can you do basically remove yourself so there's the the last step and you can't really do this with work stuff but in relationships where you can remove yourself you can just not be in a conversation with someone who's endlessly passive-aggressive if it's family of course then you need to find a way to draw the boundary so that'll be the last part of this which is what language could you use when someone is denying they're upset but their behavior says they're upset or they're saying something mean I had a friend once who said to me like I cut my hair short and she was like oh my god you cut your hair finally it's so matronly and I was like wait did you just F and use the word matronly with my fake compliment that you just gave me so I didn't say that it took me aback and I was twelve seconds went by and I was like you know the word matronly you know what it means right and she was like well yeah I was like so that was meant to be an insult is that correct no no no I think it looks great well that isn't true because if you thought it looks great you wouldn't have used the word matronly so would you like to revise your statement yeah and she was like no no I didn't mean that I meant mature I was like bad word as well but okay fine so using language being able to actually go directly at someone denies what they're doing so let's do the example of someone who you're saying you you seem upset are you mad and they say no I'm not mad I'm just exhausted okay well it's interesting Betty that you suddenly got exhausted right after we had the conversation about something so you seem mad at me about something that that's what it feels like to me if they say no say okay well I'm feeling that energy so I'm just telling you if you are upset with me about something I'm actually interested to know what it is so just know that you can always talk to me because this feels uncomfortable I sense that something's wrong my gut instinct tells me that something's wrong that you're upset and then you're telling me nothing's wrong so there's a disconnect somewhere and I'm not saying I couldn't be wrong I could be sure but I don't feel like I am in this instance because I find that when you and I have conflict in the beginning you will deny that you're upset so I'm just inviting you to tell me what's going on because I really care or something like that all right I know that was like long as hell but you guys get the point that there is a way to honor your own experience which is like hey I feel like this is happening this is what it feels like to me and if the person denies it hey we can't make them not deny it right but you can still say okay but I want to take it still feels like something's up to me leave it there anyway wow that was a lot about passive-aggressive gracefully shutting down passive-aggressive comments whether it is your own whether it is someone else's because you know what I want you to communicate effectively efficiently and directly which you can do with ease grace and when appropriate love you don't have to be passive-aggressive and it is in efficient in effective so uh and this is the beginning you guys real Love Revolution season is upon us so I'm going to be talking about communication and love and sex and passion and anything else that you people are interested in hearing about so if you have not joined ladies my facebook group it's called real love revolution Facebook group with Terry Cole please do so that you don't miss a thing because we're doing weekly questions and I'm gonna be resurrecting my Wednesday wisdom so I really want you to be there with me and if you liked this and felt like it added some value to you or it was helpful please share it on your social media platforms with people who could use it please do not share it in a passive-aggressive way with your passive-aggressive mother if you send it to your mother and she's passive-aggressive you can say I think this might help you I hope you watch it in the meantime I hope you guys have an amazing amazing week and as always take care of you you

Channel: Terri Cole

Views: 55,320

Keywords: passive aggressive comments, passive aggressive actions, passive aggressive people, terri cole, teri cole, real love revolution, self love, love, real love, therapy, therapist, psychology, self-love, new, mental health, relationships, dating, marriage, breakups, social media, haters, dealing with haters

Id: lFb8ERidAtQ

Length: 23min 43sec (1423 seconds)

Published: Mon Nov 05 2018